I’ve talked about TV show remakes in these here parts before. After all, remakes are as much a part of television as commercials that teach us women are all callous shrews and if two men accidentally touch hands it makes them male gays. As we hurl towards TV oblivious (future), remakes will begat remakes. It’s already happened. You can’t stop it. History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce, then, I don’t know, as a science fiction show about a race of mutant cats or something.

Let’s jump into the remake rabbit hole with “Charles’ Angels,” or, as it was known to its friends: Charlie’s Angels. The show was about three ladies who, after making it through the police academy, were relegated to menial work. So they quit and ended up working as private investigators for a shadowy figure named Charlie, who may or may not have been Charles Nelson Reilly. Let’s step past the irony of them leaving their demeaning police jobs to run around mostly in skimpy outfits. The show ran from 1976 to 1981, and launched the careers of Farrah Fawcett and… Shelley Hack?

Charlie’s Angels finally received the remake treatment last year. Evidently, the producers tried to make it gritty. They gave Minka Kelly a job – clearly, looks still mattered. Also, only one of them was a former cop, one was a street racer and one was a thief. They also gave the crew some racial diversity by hiring a black woman. No, they didn’t make her the thief or the street racer. Phew – accidental racial stereotype narrowly avoided. And, the show only lasted four episodes.

So, the remake of Charlie’s Angels was a major failure. However, I’m guessing that won’t keep the remake machine down for too long. Batman and Robin didn’t keep Batman Begins from being made. Secret of the Ooze didn’t keep us from receiving the gift of Turtles in Time.

The 2011 Charlie’s Angels remake purposefully tried to avoid being campy or retro in any way. The next Charlie’s Angels remake will take that lack of camp as a sign…to, of course, crank up the camp. I’m thinking the network will treat us to primetime soap version of Angels. Also, this time they’ll go back to making their racial minority Asian. Time for Lucy Liu to return to the fold? Now, the Angels are all former circus performers and Charlie has a mechanical arm like Dr. Claw. One of them is a fire-breather, one is an acrobat and the other is a strongwoman. Oh – and they’ll all wear bikinis all the time.

This show will be marginally more successful, but ultimately only last one season. The next next Charlie’s Angels remake will, instead of reverting to serious again, decide to ramp up the campiness and hire John Waters as the show runner. Now, one of the Angels is a fat man in drag and Charlie is clearly (finally!) modeled on Charles Nelson Reilly. It will have to move to Showtime to meet with Waters’ sensibilities. The remake remake will also only last a season but will be a cult classic.

After that John Waters’ remake remake, STARZ tries its hand at the ol’ Charlie’s Angels television franchise. To make it work in their traditional style, which is to say an almost antagonistic amount of nudity, the remake remake remake starts to resemble an off-Broadway interpretation of Hair. Most weeks, they won’t even bother solving cases anymore. It’ll last a few seasons, before people remember that porn is a thing that exists on the internet.

The next remake (Charlie’s Angels version 5) will go the reinvention route and be an ABC Family show trying to make teen aged girls feel good about themselves. All three ladies are Bryn Mawr graduates. The women will all look more like “real” women, at least that’s what the press interviews will mention. Bosley will start out a sexist, but he’ll learn that, in the end, a woman can do anything a man can. Then he’ll start romancing one of the ladies because, of course, every woman needs to be in a romantic relationship to feel whole. Plus, they are all, like, secretly witches or whatever the kids are into then.

In the next remake, one of the Angels is a Maori gentleman. Then, the remake all three Angels are men, including a Laplander and Bosley is a woman. The next remake goes beyond the whole three Angels thing. So stifling! They add two more, making it three men and three women when you include Bosley. After that, Charlie gives up running a Los Angeles private investigation company and moves to New York to run a coffee shop. All the Angels and Bosley follow him. The new show name is Bosley’s Angels. Angels number 9 has the whole gang staying in New York, but they drop the whole private investigator thing. They just, you know, hang out and bullshit and stuff. Just getting in relationships and trying to make it in the big city and such. Also, they are all white again. It just becomes a bunch of friends goofing around, hanging in Charlie’s coffee shop. It lasts a decade and is supremely popular.

That’s the story of the future of Charlie’s Angels remakes. Another story ends. It’s the story of an underemployed writer living in Los Angeles who was given the opportunity to write for a website featuring several podcasts he very much enjoyed. He was very appreciative of the opportunity, and grateful to the website for allowing him to showcase some of his comedy work online. He asked for people to check out his podcast and his Twitter account, and thanked them for reading his stuff. Then, he turned out the lights in the bar where he did his writing. There was a knock on the door. “Sorry, we’re closed,” the writer said. “You stole that from Cheers,” the knocker replied. “Fuck you,” the writer retorted. Then, he put on his jet pack and flew off to Myanmar where, at the very least, he wouldn’t have to learn the metric system.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

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Recently, there has been talk of a spinoff of The Office starring Rainn Wilson’s Dwight Schrute character and his beet-based farming life. Ah, spinoffs. They don’t seem to happen as often as they used to, Joey aside. Once upon a time, a Mary Tyler Moore Show could begat a Rhoda which could begat an animated series starring her never before seen doorman Carlton. That Carlton spinoff only lasted one episode. It won an Emmy.

However, clearly this talk of an Office spinoff means spinoffs are back. You already have characters people like and know. You move them to a swanky new town, give them a love interest and a friend who is a minority. Good to go. It is a license to print money, provided your show takes place in the U.S. Mint. Anyway, more spinoffs are on the way. Here is just a smattering of possible series:

• 30 Rock spinoff where Kenneth goes back to his hometown and works on his family’s farm with an eccentric cast of characters. Maybe it’s a beet farm. Maybe NBC is just hedging their bets.
• Crossover spinoff with the Raising Hope baby and the Modern Family toddler as adults. They solve crimes. Their mentors? Rizzoli and Isles.
• 2 Broke Girls spinoff filled to the brim with nothing but crude stereotypes and horrendous pun based gags. Maybe with the horse?
• Ringers spinoff featuring the long lost triplet of the twins played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. She’s a CPA and her life is fairly dull but, you know, Sarah Michelle Gellar!
• Some of the people from Terra Nova go through another time thing and end up on a still cooling Earth. It’s going to be a pretty short run for that show.
• Wacky comedy spun off from Breaking Bad starring Skinny Pete and Badger. A real “laff riot.”
• One of the sexy, sexy vampires from True Blood leaves the town True Blood takes place in. (Blood Falls? I’m going to go with Blood Falls) The sexy vampire runs a haberdashery in Wichita, Kansas. It loses a lot of the supernatural element, but there is still plenty of nudity and, somehow, quite a bit of gore.
• Episodes spinoff of about remaking the show Episodes, with Matt Leblanc replaced by David Schwimmer. Very meta.
• Mad Men keeps moving into the future, but what if they started moving into the past? In the spinoff, the whole gang gets in a time machine to, like, the 1860s or something. Don Draper and company in The Civil War. Think about it. Maybe they solve crimes. This is probably just a remake.
• A spinoff of New Girl starring Winston. The plot is doesn’t matter. It’s really all part of a plan to repeatedly replace the black roommate with another black roommate.
• A spinoff of Last Man Standing where Tim Allen wakes in a world where he truly is the last man standing. It’s like I Am Legend, but only with jokes about how this is all because dudes moisturized or whatever.

There you have it. Get ready for these spinoffs in the future. Also, TV networks, I’m available to run any of these shows. Like a good spinoff character, we can get to know each other first. Then we can solve crimes together.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

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Photo by Kyle Mizono

If you’re on Twitter, you’ve probably retweeted an @EliBraden quip. Perhaps you’ve heard one of Eli Braden’s comedic musical contributions on The Howard Stern Show or even right here on Earwolf’s own Comedy Bang! Bang! He was a guest on Ep. 96 of Totally Laime Podcast, and made such a huge impression. A clip from his appearance made its way onto the show’s recent year in review episode, Ep. 104.

Comedian and musician Eli Braden has been blowing up on the comedy scene. As discussed on his Totally Laime appearance, Braden came from impressive musical roots and is now an Internet sensation. He boasts over 33,000 Twitter followers and was featured on several lists of top Twitter accounts and top funny tweets of 2011.

In addition to having his songs featured on several shows, Braden has his own podcast, A Song a Day with Eli Braden. Like musical comedy super groups Tenacious D and The Lonely Island, Braden has managed to fuse serious musical chops with catchy hooks and hilarious lyrics. Unlike those groups, this witty, sometimes biting humorist in an army of one.

Check out my recent interview with Braden below, including a bit of a challenge issued to fellow fans submitting CBB jukebox jury and plugs songs.

Elizabeth and Andy seem to exude a very laidback attitude on their podcast. What was it like recording your episode of Totally Laime with them?

They were great during the recording, but a LITTLE pushy trying to get me to ‘join them in the bedroom’ afterwards. I’m used to that kind of thing, but it’s a bit unprofessional.

On Totally Laime, Elizabeth and Andy told you a story about two women pigging out on Mexican food at the movie theater. If you were to hit a matinee with the TL duo, what film would you see and what snacks would you sneak in?

I’d enjoy watching Last Tango in Paris while splitting a four pack of butter with Elizabeth and Andy. We’d each get a four ounce stick to eat during the movie – then share the remaining one later that night when I ‘joined them in the bedroom.’

Your daily podcast, A Song a Day with Eli Braden, demands that you constantly create original content. What’s your process in putting it together? Do you save concepts and later pair them with music?

It varies. To be honest, it’s a bit overwhelming keeping up with the demand of writing five original comedy songs a week. Let’s just say the name of the podcast MAY be getting changed to A Song a WEEK with Eli Braden in the very near future.

What topics have been the most challenging when putting together a comedy song?

I try to avoid things that have been done a million times. Scott Aukerman often discusses formulas used in comedy music on Comedy Bang! Bang! He once played my song (I Like) Fat Girls on the show and pointed out it follows the common formula of pretending to love (and/or celebrate) something many people find distasteful. He’s right! That said, I still think that particular song is pretty funny – and it came from a place of truth (because) I do find women with a little meat on their bones much more attractive than beanpoles.

Your style reminds me in many ways of one of my favorite groups, Tenacious D, in that the music could stand alone as its own rock song. It’s not just a simple music bed to support funny lyrics. What seems to come quicker when producing new songs – the musical composition or the comedic lyrics?

First off, thanks for recognizing that – Tenacious D is a HUGE influence on what I do and I probably never would have conceived of jumping from ‘serious’ music to comedy music without them. The idea of funny songs you might actually want to listen to after you ‘got the joke’ started with them as far as I’m concerned.

By far the hardest thing for me is concepts for songs. I’ve been a songwriter for a long time and have a relentless work ethic for working on lyrics and music until I come up with something I think is good enough, but the initial concepts – ideas I KNOW will make good/funny songs – are the ephemeral muses I cannot control.

Do you have any new music videos in the works? Which songs would you like to produce videos for?

I’d love to do more videos. Comedy music on its own doesn’t resonate with some people – but once you give them a matching visual the switch goes off. Lonely Island are great at that – though their songs are also great on their own. My next video will probably be for a new jam called I’m in Shape – which in theory will be funny because I’m very much not in shape.

Any teasers as to what we can expect coming up on A Song a Day with Eli Braden?

A name change to A Song a Week with Eli Braden. Probably very soon. And, corresponding with that, fewer – but better – songs.

You’ve had some of your songs featured in the jukebox jury and plugs segments of Comedy Bang! Bang! As a fan, what are some of your favorite CBB memories?

The first time I got played on the show, which I think was the 2010 Thanksgiving show, was really cool (because) I’d been a fan of the show since the beginning (and a fan of Scott since Mr. Show). Also, when Jimmy Pardo dug my song on the jukebox jury once (because) I’m a huge fan of him as well.

Do you have any advice for listeners who would like to take a stab at creating a jukebox jury or plugs song?

Don’t bother. You’ll never beat me.

One of my favorite things on your Twitter feed is reading your hilarious responses to celebrity tweets. Who are some of your guilty pleasures to follow on Twitter for possible material?

The Kardashians are perennials, though the low-hanging joke-fruit on those idiots has been pretty thoroughly picked over. Paris Hilton and Chris Brown are good for me, because I genuinely despise both of them as human beings quite intensely. Deepak Chopra – who I actually think is an inspired guy but he blocks anyone on Twitter who makes even a good-natured joke about him WHICH ISN’T VERY ZEN, DUDE. Yoko Ono, because she tweets the stupidest bullshit and continues to prove that some celebrated ‘artists’ are merely clever snake-oil salesmen who sham gullible people into thinking they’re talented THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT GLOVES OFF, ONO. I’ve also had some Twitter beef with @BurgerKing (no pun intended).

Do you have any pointers for amateur joketellers looking to develop their craft on Twitter?

I’d say, find your own voice – and I guess that could apply to any creative endeavor. A lot of the people I really love on Twitter don’t really write the kind of jokes you’d see in a talk show monologue but they’re hilarious and become even funnier once you get to know their ‘tweetstyle’. A good example is @fart – I don’t even know how to explain what he does on Twitter but I love it.

One last question: While playing the Laime or Totally game on TL, you responded to “jean jackets” with “totally.” Are you still sticking with that answer?

I wish I had ‘DENIM 4 LYFE’ tattooed on my lower back so I could send an Instagram photo of that as my response.

For more from Eli Braden, you can follow him on Twitter (@EliBraden) or via his website, www.EliBraden.com. His podcast, A Song a Day with Eli Braden, is available on iTunes.

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