With the Fall TV schedule upon us, we are reminded of the importance of a TV sitcom’s opening credit sequence. Look at The Fresh Prince of Bell Air. Was there ever any doubt the Fresh Prince wasn’t going to get into and out of trouble? No. While many shows find success with an opening credit sequence, none did it as ambitiously as The Cosby Show. It kept changing, like a good growing family should.

Here are the top 5 Cosby Show intros.

#5 – Season 3

This song sounds like the Sex & the City intro. The Cos is so trailblazing. Sexy stuff here. Probably chosen because Lisa Bonet and Cosby have so much on-screen chemistry they had to justify it with the soundtrack…they must’ve been hittin’ it by then. I’ve heard rumors. It seems Tempest may have been a bit jealous of the affair and BOLDLY sets herself apart by not dancing. She’s way underrated in this series. Special note, this is the first glimpse into Cosby’s peacocking sweater game, those Coogis are like 300 bucks man no lie. Baller shit.

#4 – Season 1

DAAAAAMN this opening sequence is funky: big ol’ crazy van, family at the park, weird transitional effects…such an amazing introduction to this wonderful family. I had a big family and, let me tell you, the level of coordination that goes into a family outing like this is staggering. They’re playing MULTIPLE sports and they’re all smiling? Impossible. Oh, and we come to find when the Cos is chilling in his down time, he dresses like Run DMC. Dad of the year for sure.

#3 – Season 4

PUTTIN ON THE MUTHUH FUCKIN RITZ. This one is all formal attire, elegance and dick-swinging swagger. And all to the vocal percussion of Bobby McFerrin. Phylicia sizzles in a peach gown, Malcolm finally drops the goofy act and just looks fucking good, but AGAIN Tempestt astonishes –  this time in a WWII inspired USO outfit. Crazy hot. I tell you though, Sabrina (the old, unattractive sister) is a wallflower and she deserved Elden. Yuck city. The little Easter egg in this one is Bonet’s absence, Cosby holds up a photo of her instead – obviously things had “soured.” It’s tough dating* your TV daughter I guess.

*Allegedly

#2 – Season 5

The tropical opening. Ok. I mean, are they jumping the shark on this one? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I love it, it’s season 5. They’ve earned tropical. Modern Family went to Hawaii in the FIRST season (show some restraint, Modern Family). This is the last season with the original family, minus the love lorn Bonet. I love the choreographed dance. Sure, maybe they were over compensating, but it just looks fun. Also at about 45 seconds into it you can see VERY far up Phylicia’s dress. Hot hot hot.

#1 – Season 6 &7

The intro so nice they used it twice. EVERYONE looks sexy in this one, even the old gross sister. Bonet is back and just bohemian dancing FIRE. Keisha even does her little thing, and wait what’s that? THAT”S SO RAVEN! OoooooWeeeee that lady is a star. Cutest kid of all time. Also a sexy adult lady. This intro is so cold Cos had to tag it with, “That’s the best elevator music I’ve ever heard.” WHAT A LINE?! A++ Cosby family.

Didn’t make the cut: Season 2 & Season 8.

Follow Paul on Twitter: @pauldanke

• Just Funny

Comedians are just like everybody else. Yeah, it’s better than having a “real job.” You can drink at work, you don’t have to respect authority and you get to wear jeans. It’s like working for Google but without the respect or health benefits. But every once in a while…being a comedian is the worst possible job on earth.

Picture yourself at work, just as you probably are reading this (tisk tisk). Now imagine how little you do all day. The Facebooking, Twittering, cat-picturing. Now look to your right, imagine a chair. And in that chair imagine your Mom, sitting there, watching and reacting to everything you do for your entire shift. OH THE HORROR! Especially if your mom has already passed on, then it’d be twice-horrifying but that’s not what this is about. This is the TRUE horror of being a stand up comedian. Their parents actually want to come and watch them work.

The worst part: they probably mean well. You have a kid, I think you generally have a curiosity about them. They get a job, surely there’s a level of interest there, too. And then if they go and get a job where you can actually watch them do it…you bet your ass you go.

But comedians are just like everyone else. They’re all pretty lazy and don’t need Mom and Dad knowing about it. Answer this, would your parents be proud of you if they knew how little effort you were putting in? Of course they wouldn’t, especially this X-Y-Z generation. We’re destroying America! Instead of working hard, we sit in cubicles play fantasy football, shop, look at pop art based cartoons from our childhood all while chatting with our friends – who are fucking off at THEIR jobs.

Imagine every time you open up Facebook and scroll through an ex’s pictures, do you want your parents seeing that? Picture it: the eye-rolls, the gasps, the seat shifts. Are you sweating yet? You should be. Seriously, open your history tab at the end of the day sometime, but before you do that put a pillow on your desk. Because your jaw is going to hit – that – thing.

Paul Danke *Photo by Liezl Estipona

Now imagine the day is over. It probably didn’t go well. And before you can leave the building, your Dad fires off a few semi-humiliating comments to your coworkers. This you’ll have to deal with the next day. But at least it’s over. You can go home and put your head in the oven, where it belongs. But wait. Wouldn’t you RATHER get dinner with them first…and talk about work?! THAT WOULD BE FUN! Believe me, they’re going to have some questions. But don’t you go and worry. They won’t understand a thing you’re talking about and will probably end up referring to your work as writing, “little reports.” I hope you love the fetal position, because you will be home and in it soon!

Not before you have to explain:

the awkward tension with the coworker you hooked up with last Christmas,
why the coworker they hated is actually brilliant, and
of course without a doubt, they will love that one coworker, what’s-his-name, with the hair and the thing?

Oh THAT GUY, the ass-kissiest, corniest, least interesting capable or qualified person in your office and SWORN ENEMY to you. Perfect. Just perfect. But wait, just when you think it’s over, they’re gonna ask about the money. Check please.

So, the next time you find yourself dreaming of the day you can quit that nine-to-five and finally take up stand-up comedy…just remember that while it may be a more “glamorous” lifestyle, at least you don’t have your parents coming to your work and hearing your best “getting caught masturbating” story.

Follow Paul on Twitter: @pauldanke

• Just Funny

It’s August, the time of year when you wander into Target (because you’re a regular damn person) and in the clearance section you see pool toys, water pistols, weirdly dented hibachi grills and tiki torches. And there in the seasonal section, a section of great prominence, you see it, like a zit growing beneath the surface. You see: “Back 2 School SALE.”

To a cool kid, Back 2 School sales are a heartbreaking omen of the impending ending of summer fun. But at least it meant you got to get some new shit. These are the four most life shaping purchases for going Back 2 School.

The Lunchbox

Before you had a car, you had a lunch box. And just like buying a car, lunch breaks have always been a big dick-swinging contest. It was Wall Street with juice boxes. Who’s got Lunchables, who’s got leftover pizza, who’s trading Oreos, I’ve got a Capris Sun, sold.  Best friends were bought and sold out there. But the lunch box, the lunchbox said everything about you. Your favorite band. Favorite cartoon. Picking out a lunchbox was probably the first real decision any of us ever made. Your selection spoke volumes to your character, and heaven help you if you brown bagged it. In middle school sure, but in elementary? Get out of town. That’s committing social suicide. The lunchbox selection was where we all had to take a stand. I remember screaming matches in my schoolyard over Ninja Turtles vs. Thundercats. And again to the Thundercat kid, go fuck yourself – you’re wrong admit it. I remember – that was the day I understood war. Heavy stuff.

Sneakers

Sneakers were one of those things that didn’t matter at all until one day, they mattered more than any other thing you ever had. Lunchboxes? Fuck lunchboxes. Next to sneakers they are nothing. A lunch box carries your food around. Your sneakers carry you around. I still sometimes wonder what my life trajectory would have been had I ever gotten a pair of Jordans (or Reebok pumps). I don’t know why schools go to the trouble of hiring school counselors. You want to know which kid has a shitty home life, just look at their shoes. You can tell which kid’s parents were poor -COUGH- four stripe Adidas, which were rich or which ones were going through a divorce. Those kids always had the DOPEST sneakers. Guilt sneakers are expensive.

Trapper Keepers (3 ring Folders)

Trapper keepers, spiral bound notebooks, folders, these were the tools we had for organizing our lives and doodling. I learned all of my doodles on notebooks. The trapper keeper was like your Facebook page before you had one. It usually told people your favorite pop star, TV show or sports team. At some point, you probably wrote your relationship status on one. And like Facebook, once you really start using it, it gets so full of shit that it kinda breaks and never works as well as it once did. It’s no wonder our generation is so scatter brained. We started out trying to organize our thoughts in a device with the cast of Saved By The Bell on it. Also, I just realized there are probably Kim Kardashian trapper keepers, and I am freaking out right now.

Backpack

The backpack is the big daddy. You don’t really, unless your parents are crazy rich, buy a new backpack every year. So picking that one out was really important. It’s like an article of clothing you wear every day, style counts. I remember 6^th grade was the year everyone switched to that canvas gym bag style and I was left with some dorky-assed shoulder strapped Jansport. No chest straps, no side pockets, only ONE extra small front pouch. Fucking humiliating. It can scar you. Look at Kanye. He spent the first part of his career wearing fancy backpacks. What horrific backpacks do you think hide in that guy’s closet? Must’ve been dark days in the West house back then.

So, as the Summer draws to a close and you look towards fall, hoping for yet another fresh start, treat yourself to some new sneakers. Maybe this is your year. And pray for Kanye West.

Follow Paul on Twitter: @pauldanke

• Just Funny

There are certain people I cannot and will not ever trust: hooters waitresses, local news anchors and people who buy complete outfits off a mannequin. I genuinely think people’s clothes reflect who they are. Or, at least, who they want to be. Either way I get really weirded out by someone who can walk into a store, see a mannequin and think, “Yup, that’s EXACTLY who I am.” No, it’s not, Friend. It just isn’t. Anyone willing to buy their entire “look” off of a human-being-shaped billboard is:

a) trying to look younger,
b) a dumb momma’s boy trying to reinvent themselves or
c) a huge Kanye West* fan. And yuck, just yuck.

I used to work for this lady who had a real “young fun look.” Over-sized paperboy hat, horrible clunky boots, some awful poncho, giant bourgeois Jessica Simpson sunglasses and, of course, she drove a tedious little Mercedes…classic villain. The First Day I met her, she seemed fine enough. Sure, she dressed a little “young,” but I get that. You do you, Girl. Then, Day Two: her whole look hadn’t changed much. I thought, “ooh, maybe she stayed at her lover’s home and had a limited selection…how young?! How fun?!” But then came Day Three: she really settled in and broke out the CASUAL giant poncho. I knew I was in trouble. Sure enough, six weeks later, when she was trying to fire me for the FIRST time, I realized she was actually not that fun. She was only dressing the part. She BOUGHT “young and fun,” right off the Forever 21 mannequin. And, she actually wanted me to stay off Twitter all day. Ummmm…helloooo? Lady, it’s 2011. That’s actually how “young and fun” people do business.

Now, I know not everyone who’s ever purchased an entire outfit off of a mannequin is a total monster. Most are. But some aren’t. And, those people are generally momma’s boys. For some reason, some moms LOVE dressing their little boys up. Naturally, the little boys love this because mommy tells them they look strong and handsome! This often lasts well into the college years, where things start getting a little … shall we say, “Norman Bates-y.” But guys aren’t as stupid as commercials would lead you to believe. All of the sudden, they’re 25 and still dressing like a big boy and guess what? Big boys don’t get laid. It’s time for a change! So, for a period lasting anywhere between six months and six years, guys convince themselves they’re athletes and exclusively wear athletic apparel – which is just adorable. This generally lasts until their gut turns their “athletic” outfits into a parody and they realize they haven’t gotten laid for a very very long time. So, they go out to the GAP or H&M or Wilsons Leather and pick out the mannequin that represents the type of lady they want to bone and voila! They’ve – AHEM – reinvented themselves, like Lady Ga Ga or Madonna. Only with less rhinestones and more grey casual pants. Don’t trust anyone who says they’ve reinvented themselves. Looking at you now, Bob Dylan. Momma’s boy.

Bottom line: mannequins are so awful they could only accurately be portrayed by Kim Cattrall. And who can trust a Samantha? No one.

*Kanye West has some bangers but get real, he’s music’s Entourage.

Follow Paul on Twitter: @pauldanke

• Just Funny

Yes. Yes they do.

There was a time when glasses implied a certain level of “book learning,” a time when most people got by with squinting and pointing. I mean how bad did you need to read anyway? Horses didn’t even have iPod adaptors back then. At this point however, everyone needs to know how to read. Otherwise you couldn’t play a lot of cool videogames. And there’s no way the dumb-dumbs would give up their video games.

So, you need to read. So what? Cool people need to read, too, and they always hated glasses, so much so that some really cool person invented contact lenses, which are like glasses, only they sit on your eyeball…such a daredevil move. Then, as if that wasn’t proof enough, some people came along who were so cool and so daring they decided to not only fix eye sight but to do it with lasers. Bad-fucking-ass. So. who’s wearing glasses these days? Dumb, lazy con artists…or of course those wacky poor people.

Glasses have become tedious, from spec-porn, to Glee, to internet memes of Disney princesses in thick glasses, pouring out their world worn souls, dripping with sarcasm and irony, we have played out the geek/nerd thing. We can’t all be, “Outcasts,” it makes outcasts a singular demographic ripe for exploitation, and boy is it ever. This “geek-chic” look is so ham-fistedly thrust down our throats, at this point, it can only be the doings of marketing wizards. And who sucks harder at the tit of the advertisers than anyone? Stupid valley girl Urban Outfitter hipsters. But they’re not Valley Girls you say! They wear floral print dresses! They voted for Obama! They read! Sometimes even books! Yes, there are books in Urban Outfitters, like Where The Wild Things Are and books written by Chelsea Handler (heavy stuff). And in case you can’t tell you’re in the book section, it’s RIGHT NEXT TO THE FAKE PRESCRIPTION GLASSES. Imply intelligence and knowledge is cooler than actually trusting their own understanding of the world. If you’re so smart, ditch the vain-aesthetic of intelligence and let them fix your eyes…with lasers!

In spite of bad vision being virtually cured, people still assume glasses are a sign of intelligence. They’re not, look at Sarah Palin. Do you honestly think Sarah has had even one day living as an outcast? Outcasts do not marry hotshot snow mobiling dudes named Todd. (Beyond the glasses, it is a tragedy what Sarah Palin has done to the otherwise dope red blazer look). I mean I get it, whenever I have an interview for a job I’m not qualified for OF COURSE I wear my glasses. (Sneaky, I know. I’m the worst.) They’re like a letter of recommendation from God himself. He works so hard that I took away his eyesight! People see glasses and, in their mind, it’s all, “yippy skippy I found a smarty-pants!” But nooooo, you’re just being manipulated based on decades-old prejudices, using a backwoods understanding of the world and getting conned out of money and a ton, a literal TON of office supplies.

The only people left actually wearing glasses that should be are those with very very fucked up eyes or <cough> the poor. Tough break, gang. Rest those peepers. This isn’t about you. Glasses are right up there with corsets, high heels and toupees: a cheap gimmick in the quiver of dumb lazy con artists. But not you, of course! Your glasses look cool.

• Just Funny