Nothing will get in between America and the NFL

Calling baseball “America’s Pastime” is like calling pagers the best technological advancement of the last 50 years. Don’t get me wrong, pagers were kick-ass, but now they’re as irrelevant as…well…baseball. For all of my adult life, football has been America’s favorite sport. You just woke up from a 25-year coma and don’t believe me? Well go back and watch the first ten minutes of every SportsCenter during the five-month NFL lockout. Litigation ABOUT football was a top story every damn day.  Oh yeah, congrats for getting out of your incredibly long coma!

Not that anyone disagrees with this point, but to hammer it home, I give you the brilliant story about a sports bar catching on fire right before kickoff opening weekend.

Down in Napels, Florida, Stevie Tomato’s Sports Page Bar was packed with NFL fans. As the games were about to get underway, smoke began coming out of an open ceiling tile in the restaurant. A fellow tenant of the same building was sealing a vent with a blow torch, which caused the disturbance. As the smoke came into the restaurant and the fire department was called…EVERYONE REFUSED TO LEAVE THE BAR. One patron in the bar noted “they just asked us to move so the fire department could come in and check it out.” You take out the NFL in this story…and this is a tale of a crack den who just came into $10,000 worth of some primo Breaking Bad style meth. All hail the King!  All hail the NFL.

ON A SPERATE NOTE:

With each Sklarbro Extra story, I will be sharing a video for Sklarbro fans. Sometimes I’ll have something to say…other times the video will say it all. This week, we see that proper touchdown celebration takes practice and hard work. When a defensive player scores, and thinks that anyone can just “celebrate a touchdown” without consequences, we get a gem like this.

Comments, Stories, or Videos you can share in the comments section or at peter@earwolf.com.

Go Punch A Waterfall,

@DangerMoses

You can listen to the latest Sklarbro Country episode “A Tale of Two Griffins” here, featuring both Kathy Griffin and NBA superstar Blake Griffin.

• Sklarbro Extra

The NBA Lockout: Let the (single tear) fun begin.

The NBA lockout is about as close to being done as I am to performing eight shows a week with the Rockettes. Now don’t rush to judgment, until you’ve seen my leg kicks. According to the varying financial records you look at, the NBA is hemorrhaging money.  It’s never a good sign when you hear owners claim that they would lose less money if there were no upcoming season.  So, any die-hard basketball fans out there looking for your NBA fix in the upcoming year, find a friend who’s going to buy “NBA 2K12” and play it till your hearts content.

During their work stoppage, NBA players are spending there time in many different ways. Some have signed with teams in Europe (Laker Ron Artest) and Asia (New Jersey Net Deron Williams). Plus a few players have flirted with the idea of working on their global marketing power by playing in China. The best lockout headlines have come from those players who have taken to the streets right here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A.

Our story today takes us deep in the Sklarbro Country ‘Forest of Headlines,’ where we catch up with the not-so-pleasant antics of Minnesota Timberwolves’ forward and Doug Benson level pothead, Michael Beasley.

For those of you who don’t know, Rucker Park is the mecca of basketball in New York City. Located on the corner of 155^th and Fredrick Douglas Boulevard, it hosted some of the greatest ballers of all time.  I mean we’re talking Dr. J, Kareem and Wilt just to name a few. And a few weeks ago, Kevin Durant added his name to that list. Kevin Durant dropped 66 points during a game at Rucker Park. As impressive as that is, there’s about as much defense played at Rucker Park as there are yamakas worn at a Rick Perry rally. That being said, while the 66 isn’t impossible…it’s still 66 fucking points.

This all went down when Kevin Durant’s Team Nike laced it up against Sklarbro’s favorite stoner Michael Beasley’s Team 914. And in this game, while Durant was making it rain like Dustin Hoffman in a casino, Beasley was also cementing his own reputation as a continual disappointment.

During the game, Beasley approached and pushed a heckling fan in the face. That’s right, he pushed him in the face. Let’s backtrack a second. In the second half of the game Beasley started jawing with fans under one of the baskets (good to know the guy has tough skin), and, at one point, he was even heard shouting to the crowd “I get paid to do this!”

Garland Quince, a regular at Rucker Park, was singled out and targeted by Beasley. After deciding he had had enough of Quince trash talking, the 6’10” 235-pound power forward walked over to where Quince was standing, put one hand on his face and shoved him backwards.

The game had to be stopped while security guards settled the crowd. And at Rucker Park the crowd is ON TOP OF THE COURT. If you step out of bounds, you’re in some dude’s popcorn. Not that they eat popcorn on the sideline at Rucker Park…I mean I really don’t know what they eat…if they’re even allowed to eat there…I digress.

At the end of the game someone asked Quince what he thought about Beasley and if he thought he couldn’t handle the atmosphere. To which Quince responded, “no, I just don’t think he could handle Kevin Durant.” So, there you have it, folks. While stars like Durant and Kobe are out there cementing there legendary status, Michael Beasley is out there too, making sure people know he’s a punk no matter what surface he’s playing on.

The latest Sklarbro Country episode, “The Land of Osbaldistan” is online now, featuring Paul Gilmartin and Baron Vaughn.

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Friends, Romans, Sklarbro Country Men…lend me a few bucks! Seriously these forty’s aren’t going to keep buying themselves…

Welcome to the Sklarbro Country blog! I am Peter Moses, the researcher for Sklarbro Country.  Every week, I compile thousands of stories. I chisel each story onto a solid granite block. Then I carry all of them to the small cabin in the woods where Randy and Jason do all their writing. While the process can be, at times, tedious (and incredibly strenuous on my lower back), I have enjoyed every minute of watching the Brothers Sklar work their magic.

That being said the show is only 90 minutes a week. And there are so many solid granite slates left untouched! This semi-regular feature will provide a look into stories that didn’t make the cut for an episode. Plus anything else sports related needing to be shared with Sklarbro Nation and Earwolf fans.

Now before you stop reading and say to yourself, “Who is this asshole and why does he think he can just bombard my life with more sports stories?” – let me tell you a little bit about me.

I grew-up in Cleveland, Ohio.  As far back as I remember, I consumed every bit of sports I could find.  I would fall asleep listening to the Cavaliers and Indians on my Walkman radio.  I cried violently when the Indians lost the ’95 World Series. And then cried even harder when they lost it again in ’97.  I can still imitate every batting stance in the Indians’ 1995 starting lineup.  I cut-out early on my own Bar Mitzvah lunch to watch the Ohio State-Michigan game. And I will never date anyone who roots for the Steelers.

So let the fun begin!  Sklarbro Extras, like the hair on US Woman’s Soccer coach Pia Sundhage’s upper lip, will grow over time.  Keep your eyes peeling for bonus stories from Sklarbro Country!

- Peter (@DangerMoses)

South Carolina Troubled Quarterback Learns From The Best…His Coach

South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia is one of those college players who seems like he’s been playing since 2002. And for however long he’s been there, Garcia has compiled a track record that would make “Wind/Rain Maker” Pacman Jones proud.  During his career at USC, he’s been suspended from the team SIX TIMES for mostly alcohol related issues.  Here’s a quick breakdown:

Just after arriving on campus as a Freshman in 2007, Garcia was arrested and then suspended twice in a three week span. First for being drunk and walking away from a police officer, and then soon after for keying a professor’s car.

Feeling a little bored in spring of 2008, so Garcia got arrested again for alcohol related issues.  Later that same night, he was cited for pulling the fire alarm in his dorm and using the fire extinguisher.

At the 2010 Chick-Fil-A Bowl he was suspended for having women in his hotel room after lights out.  Then suspended in early 2011 for being drunk at an official SEC function.

Turns out this John Belushi-like quarterback was only practicing what was being preached to him by his quarterback coach.

G.A. Mangus, South Carolina’s quarterback coach and apparent Garcia mentor, was arrested in Greenville, SC for drunkenly peeing in the street.  He was found by two officers peeing on Main St.  If I’m doing anything illegal in Greenville, SC, I’m doing it on any street but Main St.

Should be an interesting year for South Carolina football. We’ll see if Garcia can raise his draft value…in the Sklars Fantasy Lockout League.

• Sklarbro Extra