EP. 210.5 — Don’t Say The C Word

[00:00:04] CHRIS: Hello to everybody. Like literally, everybody. It’s Beautiful Anonymous. One hour, although really a lot longer than that. Usually I say one hour, one phone call. This is like a whole bunch of time and like a 100 phone calls, no names, no holds barred.

 

[00:00:24] THEME MUSIC: I’d rather go one-on-one. I think it’ll be more fun and I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me.

 

[00:00:35] CHRIS: Hi, everybody, it’s Chris Gethard. So I wanted to do something different today that I know I need. It’s a selfish impulse on my end, but I bet there’s other people out there as well who could use this. We’re taking a bunch of calls today. They’re going to be a minute long each. And guess what? Not one of them is going to mention the coronavirus, COVID-19, quarantine, self-isolation, social distancing. We will not hear those words today. One minute of time, I just want to hear about people’s lives, about any other – literally – any other aspect of their lives besides coronavirus, because you know what? The world is still a big place with so much going on. People, stories, things, opinions. Whatever it is. So I want to hear as much as I can right now because I need this. And if you need it too, happy to provide. So who knows? Sometimes these things when we do stuff like this it can be a real disaster. Sometimes it turns out really well. We’re going to do it. I hear we have a whole bunch of callers sitting on the line already. And again reminder, you get one minute and if you mention anything about coronavirus, I’m hanging up before the minute. So don’t slip up. Don’t even ask me how I’m doing. Don’t even tell me how you’re doing. Just tell me how you baked a pie yesterday or whatever, whatever. No coronavirus mentions on this one.

 

[00:02:06] PHONE ROBOT: Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. [Beep]

 

[00:02:14] CHRIS: Hello? 

 

[00:02:16] CALLER #1: Chris? Hi! 

 

[00:02:18] CHRIS: How are you? 

 

[00:02:19] CALLER #1: Good, how are you? 

 

[00:02:20] CHRIS: I’m good. You got 52 seconds left.

 

[00:02:23] CALLER #1: I only have a minute? Oh, my gosh I’ve been waiting forever to talk to you.

 

[00:02:26] CHRIS: One minute. No mention of coronavirus. Let’s go.

 

[00:02:31] CALLER #1: I have [inaudible]

 

[00:02:35] CHRIS: What was that? Your sound audio, you’re quality –

 

[00:02:39] CALLER #1: I didn’t mention it, you mentioned it!

 

[00:02:42] CHRIS: I did mention it. Yeah, but it just seemed like you were unclear on the parameters of this minute thing.

 

[00:02:47] CALLER #1: Yes. I saw your Facebook post and I was on a three mile walk and I called about 150 times.

 

[00:02:54] CHRIS: Oh, nice. Well, I’m so glad you got through. You have fifteen seconds left. [laughing]

 

[00:02:58] CALLER #1: Oh, my God, I can’t believe this! I hope I get an hour to talk to you Chris. You’re my favorite. I love what you do. Keep on doing it.

 

[00:03:04] CHRIS: Someday I can’t wait until we touch base again. You have a great Midwestern accent. 

 

[00:03:09] CALLER #1: Thank you, Chris. Take care. 

 

[00:03:11] CHRIS: You, too. All right. We’re off to a swimming start here. Anita, let’s go ahead and hang up. Remember. Oh, Jared’s saying we need to give people a little more time than that, maybe two minutes? All right. Jared just called an audible instantly. Look at that. The dictator, O’Connell. Jared O’Connell, the dictator. Congrats, everybody. You get two minutes ’cause Jared says so. Our first caller got one minute short-changed. Everybody else gets two minutes now because good old Jared O’Connell has slammed his iron fist down upon the top of my spine yet again. OK. Someone else through on the line. Hello?

 

[00:03:43] CALLER #2: Hello? 

 

[00:03:44] CHRIS: Hi. How are you? You get two minutes now, Jared flipped the script.

 

[00:03:48] CALLER #2: Two whole minutes?

 

[00:03:49] CHRIS: Two whole minutes.

 

[00:03:51] CALLER #2: OK, how’s it going Chris?

 

[00:03:53] CHRIS: It’s going pretty well, I’m excited to hear about people’s lives and stories.

 

[00:03:58] CALLER: #2: Oh, well I have something I want to talk to you about. 

 

[00:04:01] CHRIS: OK. 

 

[00:04:03] CALLER: #2: Well, I just want to let you know that I really like your cameo in the Front Bottoms music video.

 

[00:04:11] CHRIS: Oh, thanks. That was so fun. Those guys are the nicest guys in the world. What a great band.

 

[00:04:17] CALLER #2: Yeah. It’s like you and the Front Bottoms eating pizza. It’s like my favorite stuff.

 

[00:04:23] CHRIS: Thanks. Yeah, I still own that sweatshirt.

 

[00:04:26] CALLER #2: I can’t really hear you.

 

[00:04:28] CHRIS: I would say this is going great thus far. I would say everything about that – you can’t hear me at all?

 

[00:04:34] CALLER #2: No, not really. I’m sorry.

 

[00:04:38] CHRIS: Oh, no. Well, the last lady seemed like she could hear me. I don’t know. Is that on your end? Who knows? You got a minute left, though.

 

[00:04:45] CALLER: #2: OK, well I don’t know. I’m sorry, Chris. Wish I could hear you, but I hope you’re doing well. And I just want to let you know that I really like that music video.

 

[00:04:54] CHRIS: OK. OK. That one was only 1:20. Jared is telling me that must have been on her end. So we’re gonna hit reset on the two minutes. I’m going to go ahead and say the first two of these have been actually horrible. And it’s not because of any callers’ fault. It’s because of our massive technical difficulties. Let’s patch someone else through two minutes. Let’s see if we can get one poppin’ off here. Third time’s a charm, baby. Hello?

 

[00:05:21] CALLER #3: Hello?

 

[00:05:22] CHRIS: Yes, hi.

 

[00:05:23] CALLER #3: Whoa, I got through! 

 

[00:05:24] CHRIS: Yeah. You got two minutes. 

 

[00:05:26] CALLER #3: This is crazy. OK. Well, what should I talk about in 2 minutes? 

 

[00:05:30] CHRIS: Anything you want. 

 

[00:05:33] CALLER #3: How are you? 

 

[00:05:35] CHRIS: I’m OK. 

 

[00:05:36] CALLER #3: Good. I’m calling from Canada. 

 

[00:05:40] CHRIS: Oh, that’s good. 

 

[00:05:41] CALLER #3: A rural part of Canada. 

 

[00:05:43] CALLER: I like Canada a lot. 

 

[00:05:45] CALLER #3: You do?

 

[00:05:46] CHRIS: Yeah. It’s one of my favorite places to perform, the crowds there are so nice and they have good taste in comedy. So when they like me, it makes me feel good.

 

[00:05:53] CALLER #3: Yeah, I love Canada, I have to say. Pretty happy right now.

 

[00:05:59] CHRIS: I was once on an Air Canada flight, and I stood up after they had said ‘buckle your seat belts’ because I wanted to get my headphones and the flight attendant kept going, ‘thank you, sir. Sir? Thank you.’ And I realize that that’s the Canadian way to tell somebody, fuck you. Is to be really nice about it.

 

[00:06:17] CALLER: #3: [laughing] Yeah. Yeah, for sure. 

 

[00:06:21] CHRIS: So anyway, I like Canada. 

 

[00:06:24] CALLER #3: Yeah, I do too. I think your other callers from Canada have been mostly from the city. 

 

[00:06:30] CHRIS: Oh right, truth. 

 

[00:06:33] CALLER #3: I think? So I kind of always wanted to get through to just give another perspective, because – well I’m out on my back deck right now listening to my chickens, I don’t know if you can hear them.

 

[00:06:43] CHRIS: That sounds lovely. I can’t hear the chickens. But man, that sounds like a good life.

 

[00:06:47] CALLER #3: So we have the chickens on one side and the other side we have the bush and then the other side we have the lake. So we’re pretty happy out here.

 

[00:07:00] CHRIS: That sounds good. I’m – I think I’m done with city life. And I got a house that’s out in the ‘burbs. But your’s sounds like it’s way out there.

 

[00:07:11] CALLER #3: It is way, way out there. So some people don’t…it’s not for everybody as lovely – I mean, I’m gonna, of course, highlight the positives, but it’s not for everybody for sure. I mean, like right now, our Internet is horrible. We don’t have, you know, unlimited Internet. Our bills are giant.

 

[00:07:30] CHRIS: I’m so sorry to tell you, our two minutes is up. Thank you so much for calling. That was two minutes. I’m so sorry. I feel rude. I hate the feeling of being rude. But we have to hang up. Anita let’s get the next one through if we can. I want these rapid fire baby. That was good hearing about rural Canada. You got chickens. I love that. Where’s our next call? Let’s do it. 

 

[00:07:50] CALLER #4: Hello? 

 

[00:07:51] CHRIS: Hello? 

 

[00:07:52] CALLER #4: Hi, Chris! 

 

[00:07:53] CHRIS: Your two minutes begins now.

 

[00:07:56] CALLER #4: Fourth time disconnected, so I’m happy to get this out to you. I just wanted to take the opportunity to share some work I’ve been doing with my life coach. I’ve found myself on the other side of some pretty strong trauma. And I’ve had the privilege of working with this amazing woman that does Cuban (?) design. And she offered me some words recently that have changed me. I’ve spent so much time trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative and putting the good energy in the air. And she recently offered me, what happens if the good happens? What if the bad happens and what if you’re OK either way? And it never occurred to me that both could be an option and that I’d still be OK. So recently she asked me, are you all right being OK? And for the first time ever, I felt like I could say yes.

 

[00:08:46] CHRIS: That’s beautiful. That’s exactly what I need to hear right now. And that was just one minute. Now we got another minute left just to chitchat. That’s how you do it. You come out of the gate swinging! Did your life coach say that? Don’t waste time. Go for it. Get it done.

 

[00:09:01] CALLER #4: Actually, she’s trying to teach me how to quiet my brain, which is not something I have a skill at. I’m a chronic over-thinker. What we’re working on now is to take that nasty and take that dirty and take all those shadows and shake them loose. I get all the debris off that doesn’t matter. The trauma, the death will still be there. But to try to find the good and the light and the beauty and then figure out how I’m meant to offer that to the world.

 

[00:09:26] CHRIS: That’s amazing. I’m glad you’re on the other side of the trauma. And I’m glad you have someone that you like and trust helping you get there.

 

[00:09:33] CALLER #4: Oh, what a blessing. What a blessing between listening to you on podcasts and talking to her. It’s such a positive energy. I’m really happy to have it.

 

[00:09:42] CHRIS: Well, I’m flattered that you would say that. Our time together is up. Thank you so much for the wonderful call. All right, life coaches. All right. That was great. All right, Anita. Let’s get this next one through. Hello, how are you?

 

[00:09:57] CALLER #5: Hi! Is this Chris?

 

[00:09:59] CHRIS: It is. Your two minutes has begun.

 

[00:10:03] CALLER #5: Hi. So I am about to go for a run, but I guess it’ll have to wait two minutes. And I’m just so excited to get on.

 

[00:10:12] CHRIS: It’s great to talk to you.

 

[00:10:14] CALLER #5: I actually tried to call for the New Year’s Eve one and I was one of the people at the end. So my New Year’s resolution was to create more art. And I finally got my butt in gear this last week or so and started a sculpture.

 

[00:10:33] CHRIS: That’s cool! Sculpture. That’s your medium of choice.

 

[00:10:37] CALLER #5: I’m a sculptor and I also do some writing, too. I’ve been doing that as well. I have a two year old, so it’s hard to find the time. But it’s been fun to get started.

 

[00:10:51] CHRIS: Do you live in constant fear that your two year old is going to enter your studio, think that that’s Play-Doh and mess up all your sculptures?

 

[00:10:58] CALLER #5: Well, right now, she loves hugging our sculptures and high- fiving them and talking to them. So that’s sort of adorable. And my mother-in-law is worried that we’ll go into a museum and she’ll touch all the art there and then the guards will come.

 

[00:11:19] CHRIS: That’s truly adorable. The idea of a two year old high-fiving a statue that you made? That put a huge smile on my face.

 

[00:11:28] CALLER #5: I’m glad to put a smile on your face. I think we all need that right about now. I wanted to give a shout out to Planet Scum, who I am a huge fan of that community. I’m in the Beautiful Anonymous chat. People know me as the sculptor there, so they tried to get me on your TV show pilot. But alas, Jared thought my reception was awful. So it did not happen.

 

[00:11:55] CHRIS: Fair. He’s an iron-fisted dictator. Thank you so much. That was a great call. Sculpting, amazing. The discord. Yeah. There’s a discord surrounding my work now. There’s a thousand people in it. It’s super cool. It’s called Planet Scum. Go join it. All right. Next call. Welcome. Your two minutes begins now.

 

[00:12:14] CALLER #6: Hello? 

 

[00:12:14] CHRIS: Hi. Yeah. 

 

[00:12:16] CALLER #6: Hi, is this Chris? 

 

[00:12:17] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[00:12:18] CALLER #6: Oh, my goodness. This is very exciting.

 

[00:12:21] CHRIS: I’m excited, too! Your enthusiasm has me enthusiastic.

 

[00:12:25] CALLER #6: Oh, I’m very enthusiastic. I’m actually in Baltimore, which I know you have played here because I saw you. And it was awesome.

 

[00:12:35] CHRIS: Thanks for coming. I was wearing my Autobar t-shirt yesterday.

 

[00:12:38] CALLER #6: Yes! I live like around the corner from Autobar. Fuckin’ bomb! Sorry Sally.

 

[00:12:43] CHRIS: It’s my favorite venue to play. I’ve gone on record. I’ve decided – it’s the Autobar. That’s my number one.

 

[00:12:49] CALLER #6: It’s the best. They have some kooky nights there. But that was I mean, that was pretty awesome.

 

[00:12:55] CHRIS: Who doesn’t love a kooky night once in a while?

 

[00:12:58] CALLER #6: Oh, yeah, yeah. So how are the calls going?

 

[00:13:01] CHRIS: So far so good. I would say that the first two are – so OK, we had a bunch of technical difficulties before we started. I think my energy in the first two that showed up, we were ironing things out. One of them couldn’t hear me. But now I think we’re up and running and I’m giving this episode a thumbs up at this point. You have 50 seconds left. Five zero, yeah. What about you? What’s going on?

 

[00:13:22] CALLER #6: Well, so I was hiking the Appalachian Trail. I had just left for my through hike. And obviously, I had to get off because of the the C-word, which I won’t even say – 

 

[00:13:33] CHRIS: Thank you. 

 

[00:13:34] CALLER #6: – But I was doing the hike in honor of my friend Crystal, who passed away this December from cancer. And it was disappointing to get off. But I’m also like, it was so fun to be on there, be on trail. And I’m just – I’m so sure I’m going to get back out there. I can’t wait.

 

[00:13:50] CHRIS: You’re going to finish it someday. I think that’s an amazing thing to do. I want to say rest in peace Crystal, who I never knew, but who you are letting me know about and rest in peace.

 

[00:14:00] CALLER #6: I really appreciate that. Yeah, that was awesome. She was such a bad ass. And she actually biked across the country less than a year after she finished treatment for cancer the first time. So she’s definitely a powerhouse. And I say that in the present tense, even though she passed away.

 

[00:14:14] CHRIS: Amazing. Thank you for the call. That was a beautiful and touching one. I hope we get to talk about it for 60 minutes someday. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello.

 

[00:14:23] CALLER #7: Hello? 

 

[00:14:24] CHRIS: Hi. You have two minutes. Let’s do this. This is fun. Yeah.

 

[00:14:29] CALLER #7: Awesome. It sounds fun. How are you? How are you feeling? How’s your baby? 

 

[00:14:35] CHRIS: He’s the best! Guess what? He took his first steps a couple days ago.

 

[00:14:40] CALLER #7: Oh, that warms my heart. I need some good baby loving. My roommate has a 3-year-old living with us. So it’s a bunch of 20 somethings and a 3-year-old and we keep joking that we should set up a livestream because people would pay to watch this kind of full house situation.

 

[00:14:58] CHRIS: That sounds amazing.

 

[00:15:00] CALLER #7: Yeah, it’s good. Today is actually kind of a sad day. But that’s neither here nor there. But I’m just taking a walk and kind of appreciating life a little bit more today and kind of contemplating. Yeah.

 

[00:15:17] CHRIS: Can I ask how many adult roommates in addition to the three-year-old?

 

[00:15:22] CALLER #7: So it is myself, and then one, two, three. So there’s four of us. Yeah, there’s five of us all in one household.

 

[00:15:30] CHRIS: That’s like a sitcom premise.

 

[00:15:34] CALLER #7: It is. It really, really is. But yeah, we’re kind of – and it’s really sweet because she knows she’s in a home where she’s like loved and taken care of by like women and cool non-binary people. So it’s two non-binary people and two women and she’ll wake up in the morning and she’ll say ‘anybody?’ because she knows that people will come and help her.

 

[00:15:56] CHRIS: Oh, wow. Smart kid. Smart kid.

 

[00:16:00] CALLER #7: Yeah. And baby’s walking! Your baby’s` walking.

 

[00:16:04] CHRIS: Yeah. I mean like two steps and then he face plants and we gotta catch him. But it’s okay. We save his life like 95 times a day. That’s just part of it I think.

 

[00:16:14] CALLER #7: That’s cool. We had that experience. We had to put locks ’cause baby was – she went through a tube of toothpaste so we were like on the phone with poison control. She was fine, but we were like ‘we save your life everyday!’

 

[00:16:30] CHRIS: Everyday. Well, on that happy note, your two minutes is up. Thank you so much for calling. Breath of fresh air. Enjoy your walk. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello.

 

[00:16:40] CALLER #8: Hello? 

 

[00:16:41] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[00:16:42] CALLER #8: Oh, my gosh. Hi. I was supposed to be on a Zoom lecture right now, but I thought talking to you would be better.

 

[00:16:50] CHRIS: Nice! Like a college class lecture? 

 

[00:16:53] CALLER #8: Yes. 

 

[00:16:54] CHRIS: And you’re dipping out just to get two minutes on Beautiful Anonymous. I’m flattered.

 

[00:16:58] CALLER #8: Yeah. Well, it’s recorded. I can watch it later.

 

[00:17:01] CHRIS: Oh, then I’m not – then I don’t feel guilty at all.

 

[00:17:04] CALLER #8: Yeah. I mean, even if I had to go into class in person, I could watch it over a recording anyway. So there’s not much of a motivation to go in person anymore.

 

[00:17:16] CHRIS: That’s fair. What subject are we talking?

 

[00:17:20] CALLER #8: I’m majoring in computer science, so that’s the lecture. But it’s not very interesting.

 

[00:17:27] CHRIS: Yeah, I feel like that’s a hard one to stay connected to from afar.

 

[00:17:31] CALLER #8: Yeah, definitely.

 

[00:17:35] CHRIS: Do you think the professors that show lots of movies just show them over Zoom and people sit and watch them over Zoom or do you watch them at your leisure?

 

[00:17:42] CALLER #8: I’m sorry?

 

[00:17:44] CHRIS: Never mind, it was a dumb question. Now, what’s up with you? You have 45 seconds left.

 

[00:17:49] CALLER #8: Oh, no. Well, I just got a puppy a couple weeks ago. And she has been a light, but also the devil at the same time.

 

[00:17:59] CHRIS: Yeah, that’s a lot of work, a new puppy. House trained or are you breaking the puppy in? 

 

[00:18:04] CALLER #8: What? 

 

[00:18:04] CHRIS: Is the puppy house trained yet? Or are you teaching it to poop outside?

 

[00:18:11] CALLER #8: Oh, no. She’s been pretty good, actually. She had a couple accidents, but since the first day I brought her home, she has been quite well potty trained.

 

[00:18:19] CHRIS: That’s great. That makes it easier.

 

[00:18:22] CALLER #8: Yeah. She just has a issue with her crate at night. So the first couple of days I had to sleep next to her. Otherwise she would cry for hours on end. 

 

[00:18:33] CHRIS: Awww. Now that’s the end of our two minutes on that heartwarming image. Thank you for that. You see everybody? The apocalypse is upon us, but people are still sleeping next to their puppies. Sometimes people are still sleeping next to puppies. Brand new little puppies that they got that were already pretty house trained. Isn’t that such a good, wonderful image in your mind? Let’s get our next call going. Two minutes. Let’s do it.

 

[00:18:54] CALLER #9: Hello? 

 

[00:18:55] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[00:18:57] CALLER #9: Oh, my gosh. It’s crazy. Hi.

 

[00:18:59] CHRIS: Hi. What’s up?

 

[00:19:01] CALLER #9: So in the midst of all of this, I decided to start my Master’s degree. I’m a teacher, a special education teacher. So I figured, hey, why not now get another degree and be able to support my kids a little bit more once we’re back in school.

 

[00:19:20] CHRIS: That’s proactive as hell. That’s one of the most proactive things I’ve heard. 

 

[00:19:24] CALLER #9: Yeah, I’m trying, I’ve been wanting to do it, and I figured, hey, while I sort of have the time, I might as well get going on it.

 

[00:19:36] CHRIS: That’s cool. You’re just like, I got to be inside all the time now so let me just pop off and get a Master’s degree.

 

[00:19:42] CALLER #9: Yeah. I’m not very good at not being busy. So we had our spring break last week, which was technically reserved for just not doing anything. So I was like, you know what I’m going to talk to a bunch of people about getting loans and, you know, just rack up more student loans. Why not learn some more stuff?

 

[00:20:02] CHRIS: What’s the specialization of this Master’s degree? Have you mentioned it yet?

 

[00:20:07] CALLER #9: It’s gonna be literacy, so reading comprehension and whatnot. Yeah. So I’m an intervention specialist, which means I teach special ed and I teach kids mostly with learning disabilities. Some who have autism. Some who have ADHD, ADD. So my kids are mostly in the general education classroom. I don’t have like an actual set of kids I see all day, everyday. I pull them out of their classrooms. So I do different specialized lessons and whatnot depending on their needs. So I figure might as well learn a little bit while I can so I can help them even more.

 

[00:20:51] CHRIS: You ended at exactly two minutes. That was incredible. You truly are a perfectionist. Thank you for doing what you do and for helping those in need. It was great to talk to you. See, there’s still people out there doing good things for others in this world. Let’s go ahead. Let’s get another caller on the line. Who knows, will we ever get a dude? I don’t know. I don’t know. Let’s see. Hello?

 

[00:21:12] CALLER #10: Hello. 

 

[00:21:13] CHRIS: How are you?

 

[00:21:15] CALLER #10: I heard the beep. Wow, that’s great. So I actually called in on New Year’s Eve. I am the author who has been working on a book for 30 years.

 

[00:21:26] CHRIS: I was going to say I recognize your voice. How’s the book going?

 

[00:21:30] CALLER #10: I just last night finished a couple final edits and turned it into a PDF so that I can start submitting it to contests and to agents to try to get published. So that’s progress. And I’m excited about having the time to focus on it now.

 

[00:21:59] CHRIS: Incredible! So it’s done. So the draft is done. 

 

[00:22:02] CALLER #10: Yeah.

 

[00:22:03] CHRIS: I’m so glad we got – what an amazing thing that you got through again on both of our quickie episodes. That’s great. What a great update.

 

[00:22:12] CALLER #10: Yeah. Thank you for doing this. This is really wonderful to get a little slice of life from a bunch of different people and, you know, keep us all connected.

 

[00:22:21] CHRIS: I’m just happy to hear the book’s done. That’s amazing. I’m not going to lie, 30 years in, I’m sitting here going, I wonder if it’s ever going to happen. And now it has. It’s so cool.

 

[00:22:33] CALLER #10: The other thing I wanted to put out there is that, you know, everybody is focusing on, you know, meditation and mindfulness and connection with others in spite of our physical, you know, distancing. And I believe that it’s possible as humans for us to communicate on a level of consciousness other than the, you know, everyday 3D conscious level. And the more that we all focus on that interior space, I think we are going to find that that is the next transformation that is coming, the shift of consciousness that is coming for all of us to be able to connect on a subconscious level and communicate.

 

[00:23:31] CHRIS: Wow. That was incredible. Thank you so much for the call. Congrats on the book. What an intriguing thing to say at the end. I’m going to go try to process it right now as I try to communicate on a subconscious level and achieve transcendence while listening to ads. We’ll be right back.

 

[AD BREAK]

 

[00:24:01] CHRIS: [music transition] All right, everybody. Thanks so much, I hope you enjoyed the break. Rapid fire calls. You might need a break, might need a second to catch your breath. Well, buckle up. We’re back. Let’s keep it going. Let’s get our next caller on the line.

 

[00:24:15] CALLER #11: Yo. How we doing?

 

[00:24:17] CHRIS: Yooo alright. You’re the first bro.

 

[00:24:21] CALLER #11: Cool. All right, so let’s talk about fake sneakers. What are you thinking? Do you have opinions on here? Do you know about fake sneakers? What are your thoughts?

 

[00:24:33] CHRIS: Well, I know that there’s a lot of sneaker heads in this world, and I know that there’s expensive sneakers. I know there’s stores that sell high-end sneakers. I know there’s a lot of stores where it’s like a fake out, like you think it’s a butcher shop and then you go in the back and it’s actually sneakers. So I imagine there’s counterfeit sneakers. 

 

[00:24:49] CALLER #11: That’s Bodega in Boston. 

 

[00:24:49] CHRIS: Yeah, I’ve heard about that place. That being said, I don’t have much. I just get one pair of sneakers at a time, wear them down until they’re done and then I get another pair. It sounds like you really care about fake sneakers, though.

 

[00:25:00] CALLER #11: I do care about fake sneakers. Here’s the thing, I used to be like you and then my wife’s sister, I guess my sister-in-law, started dating this guy who’s really into sneakers. And then I got into sneakers because I thought they looked cool. And it’s nice to wear things around and make a fashion statement of sorts. And anyway, there’s this whole world. You’re right, there’s sneaker heads and they have very strong opinions on stuff. And one of those sort of things is that fake sneakers are like not great. And one of the reasons that is, is because part of the appeal of sneakers to a lot of sneaker heads is the clout you get from like wearing expensive stuff, kind of like a…kind of just like the what do they call it? They call it flexing, you know, saying I got a lot of money. I have access to these rare sneakers. And anyway, I’m into it just because they’re cool and they look cool, I think. And so there’s also this whole world of fake sneakers where you can buy these sneakers that if you want to buy them normally they’d be like $2,000. And mind you, that’s not from like the store. It’s from resellers because they sell out in like a minute. There’s so many sneakers out there that you can’t even access – .

 

[00:26:14] CHRIS: And your two minutes is up. I genuinely found that fascinating. I want you to call. I want to talk about sneakers for 60 minutes. That was incredibly intriguing. I want to hear more about it. You really are a talker. Please call back anytime. If we can note down – I don’t even know if we can note down numbers, we’re moving so fast. All right. Next caller, welcome.

 

[00:26:33] CALLER #12: OK Chris, do you know the hit series 24? 

 

[00:26:37] CHRIS: 24. Kiefer Sutherland, I believe? 

 

[00:26:39] CALLER #12: Yes, Jack Bauer. I’ve just been binging that for like the past two weeks. It’s amazing.

 

[00:26:44] CHRIS: Yeah? Now, I’ve never watched it. 

 

[00:26:46] CALLER #12: You’d love it. You should do it. 

 

[00:26:47] CHRIS: Sell me on it. Sell me on 24. All these years later.

 

[00:26:51] CALLER #12: Terrorists. That’s all I got to say. Just think about the worst terrorists that you could ever imagine. The last season that I just watched, they released a virus. I’m not going to say what type of virus, what it did, but he had to stop the virus from spreading and stop America from just going into complete chaos. Right now, he’s trying to stop a nuclear warhead from melting down and six reactors all over the country just completely melting down. And he’s doing it. He’s doing it in 24 hours. Like, nobody can do that in 24 hours. Not even like our president can’t do something in 24 hours. The maintenance man can’t do anything in 24 hours. What’s going on here?

 

[00:27:28] CHRIS: Wow. You’ve sold me. I’m going to check it out. You sold me on it in a minute. It didn’t take you 24 hours, it took you one minute.

 

[00:27:33] CALLER #12: It’s on Hulu. 

 

[00:27:35] CHRIS: I have Hulu. That’s great.

 

[00:27:37] CALLER #12: Well, you have free access to it. I hope you’re doing well, Chris. You’re an amazing human.

 

[00:27:41] CHRIS: Thank you. I feel the same way about you. Now, I was on a show, one episode, two episodes technically, called NBC’s Blindspot. Spoiler: I played Dr. Gary Le Marche and I used a satellite to deflect a nuclear missile.

 

[00:27:53] CALLER #12: That’s super cool.

 

[00:27:55] CHRIS: It was a good time. Now, what’s your deal? Thirty seconds.

 

[00:27:57] CALLER #12: That’s some pretty cool clout. That’s some better clout than the sneaker clout the other guy was talking about. 

 

[00:28:01] CHRIS: I don’t know if that’s true. [laughing] You have 20 seconds left. What’s your story?

 

[00:28:10] CALLER #12: Twenty seconds? I work in food service. I’m technically an essential employee. Tip people if you can, man. Food service people mostly don’t want to be working right now because it’s a little sketchy.

 

[00:28:20] CHRIS: Great call. I mean, it’s treading on coronavirus talk and I’ll give you the pass, because I’m telling you man, let’s be honest. People are putting their lives on the line. And you know who it is? It’s the people at the drive thru windows at Burger King. It’s delivery people. It’s warehouse workers. It’s you know, essential workers where you can’t help but feel like once again, the people carrying the load for the rest of us are the working class. And it’s really becoming clear – 

 

[00:28:49] CALLER #12: But just in general, tip good and you get good karma. And that’s just a good lifestyle, no matter what.

 

[00:28:53] CHRIS: Huge tips. You gotta, you gotta do it. Give a good tip in these times of need. All right. Let’s go ahead. Let’s get our next caller on the line.

 

[00:29:04] CALLER #13: Hello? 

 

[00:29:05] CHRIS: Hi. How are you? 

 

[00:29:06] CALLER #13: Wow. I’m good. How are you?

 

[00:29:10] CHRIS: I’m pretty good. I’m having fun with this.

 

[00:29:12] CALLER #13: This is a lot more confusing than I always dreamed that it would be. I don’t know why. I don’t know – I don’t know why. So what’s up?

 

[00:29:22] CHRIS: That’s fair. What’s up, let’s see. Sitting in my parents’ house that I fled to. It’s good scenery. Kind of boring, but that’s OK. There’s people who have a lot worse stories than that, so very happy to be in the situation I’m in. Yeah. What’s up with you? If you’re going to ask me a broad question, I’ll just go ahead and ask you right back. What’s up?

 

[00:29:45] CALLER #13: You know, I just ate some Kraft dinner. I guess I’m kind of giving away where I’m from. And I just got off my hammock and I’m supposed to be working. I’m not really doing it. Yeah. You just talked to my sister on the phone about the Front Bottoms, I think.

 

[00:30:05] CHRIS: Oh, and she couldn’t hear me.

 

[00:30:07] CALLER #13: Yeah. She couldn’t hear you. She said sorry about the connection.

 

[00:30:10] CHRIS: No, that’s okay. I just feel bad because I was feeling like this was gonna be a disaster because that was our second call. And then it turned out it was on her end. So just tell her I hope that she’s doing well and that her quality of phone reception improves.

 

[00:30:25] CALLER #13: Yeah, I hope so, too. Yeah. [laughing] This is very funny. I’m sorry.

 

[00:30:31] CHRIS: No, I like it. Did you say Kraft dinner like macaroni and cheese?

 

[00:30:35] CALLER #13: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Yeah. You guys call it macaroni and cheese over there. I don’t get down with that.

 

[00:30:42] CHRIS: Oh. It’s called Kraft dinner in other places? I mean your accent makes me guess that – no, because you said you’re in a hammock. So that’s not Canada.

 

[00:30:50] CALLER #13: It is Canada.

 

[00:30:51] CHRIS: Where in Canada is it hammock weather right now?

 

[00:30:55] CALLER #13: You know, I’m kind of close to where you are.

 

[00:30:58] CHRIS: That’s two minutes. Wow, we’ll never know. We’ll never know where the hammocks in Canada are. All right. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello.

 

[00:31:06] CALLER #14: Hello? 

 

[00:31:07] CHRIS: Hey, how’s it going? 

 

[00:31:09] CALLER #14: Oh, it’s going OK. How are you? 

 

[00:31:11] CHRIS: I’m good. 

 

[00:31:12] CALLER #14: Good. So today is the one year anniversary of breaking up with my abusive partner. 

 

[00:31:21] CHRIS: Wow. I’m sorry you went through that, but I’m glad you’re out of there.

 

[00:31:24] CALLER #14: Me too. Yeah, we were together for just about eight and a half years and I left basically with a backpack. And that was it.

 

[00:31:33] CHRIS: I would imagine it’s been a head spinning year. But now that you’re getting just a slight amount of distance, how’s life feeling now outside of that, once you’re out from under that?

 

[00:31:42] CALLER #14: Oh my gosh. Honestly, my life is the best that it’s ever been. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. It was by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever made – or, most difficult decision I’ve ever made. But I don’t have like a single regret, which is what I was worried about at the time that I did it, you know?

 

[00:32:02] CHRIS: Yeah, I’m sure. Leave your everything you know behind.

 

[00:32:08] CALLER #14: Literally nothing about my life is the same. Like I don’t live in the same place. I live by myself. Like I’m in a different city. Just prior to this crisis my employer laid me off. So like when this is over, I don’t even have a job to go back to. I have a new partner. Like, literally nothing is the same. But literally I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

 

[00:32:29] CHRIS: I can’t tell you how overjoyed that sentence makes me, hearing that you’re the happiest you ever been. Eight and a half years, man. That must be so good to realize you gotta get out of there. And there’s this whole other happy life and you get to go live it now.

 

[00:32:46] CALLER #14: Exactly. Yeah. Well, I mean, it was scary. I thought that person was gonna be my life partner. And I know previously you’ve had callers who’ve had experiences with borderline personality disorder. And that’s what my partner had. And I weathered it with him for, you know, eight and a half years. But it wasn’t enough.

 

[00:33:04] CHRIS: Fair. All right. Two minutes is up, thank you for the call. So glad you’re feeling good. Gotta say, never want to demonize or stigmatize mental illness over here. I suffer from it. Also know there are some people who dated me in the past who will tell you it was not an easy time. I do apologize. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[00:33:25] CALLER #15: Hello? Hello?

 

[00:33:26] CHRIS: Hey, what’s up? 

 

[00:33:28] CALLER #15: Hey Chris, what’s up man?

 

[00:33:29] CHRIS: Chillin’. 

 

[00:33:31] CALLER #15: I just want to say your kid is freaking adorable.

 

[00:33:35] CHRIS: Thanks. Yeah, it’s kind of ridiculous. He knows it, too, man. It’s gonna be bad. This kid knows he can get stuff out of people.

 

[00:33:42] CALLER #15: Is it really weird, like seeing another human that looks like you?

 

[00:33:47] CHRIS: People say he – I mean, some people are like ‘whoa, he’s your spitting image.’ Other people are like, ‘yeah I don’t see it.’

 

[00:33:52] CALLER #15: Oh okay. I thought when you first posted the picture when he was just born. And I was like, holy crap, it’s Chris Gethard just in a tiny, tiny form. And I was just thinking how strange it must have been for you to look at that and just be like ‘that’s real and it looks like me and I made it.’

 

[00:34:09] CHRIS: Well, anytime someone says he looks like me, I feel really flattered because I think he’s a good looking guy. So if I look like him, that’s actually a high compliment because he’s beautiful.

 

[00:34:21] CALLER #15: He is beautiful. So real quick. I got a new job back in October.

 

[00:34:25] CHRIS: Yeah.

 

[00:34:27] CALLER #15: So a big portion of the job is that I look through people’s health records. It can get real crazy at times, it can get real heartbreaking. This one crazy story of a older couple over 80 years old, the guy had like a terminal illness. Him and his ex – it was him and his ex-wife. They made a suicide pact. She wanted to drive the car into a wall, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. So they took Ambien and Xanax, tried to overdose. They wrote suicide notes. A neighbor found them, though, and they survived.

 

[00:35:01] CHRIS: Well, you got 20 seconds left. That’s a hell of a thing to drop on a guy. A minute of chit chat about my kid and then the craziest story I’ve ever heard? What are you doing to me?

 

[00:35:13] CALLER #15: We could probably use an hour on that one alone, right?

 

[00:35:15] CHRIS: I think that’s a two-parter right there. All right. 

 

[00:35:19] CALLER #15: I hope they’re OK. That’s all. 

 

[00:35:20] CHRIS: I hope so, too. I hope everybody’s OK. Thank you for the call and a great sentiment at the end. Truly. Next caller. Hello. Welcome.

 

[00:35:29] CALLER #16: Hey. 

 

[00:35:30] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[00:35:32] CALLER #16: Hello? Oh. Oh, my God. OK. Yeah. I’m sorry I’ve never done this before. I wanted to call and talk about a screenplay I’ve been working on.

 

[00:35:43] CHRIS: Amazing. A minute, 45 seconds. So this is like giving me the elevator pitch.

 

[00:35:47] CALLER #16: OK, cool. So I’ve been working on it for like a ridiculously long time. And I don’t want to give you the pitch, I just want to talk about it.

 

[00:35:54] CHRIS: Yes. Into it. Fair.

 

[00:35:57] CALLER #16: So. Yeah. I’ve been working on it for a really long time and I’m feeling kinda discouraged because I’ve gotten stuck on it. But I finally just kind of got the courage to share it with a few people who are better writers than me. And they gave me a lot of feedback and I feel like I’m ready to finish it now.

 

[00:36:16] CHRIS: That’s amazing. I’ve written a couple of screenplays and it’s – I’m really bad at it. It’s so hard.

 

[00:36:22] CALLER #16: It is. Yeah. I’ve written short screenplays, but this one’s a feature. It’s my first one.

 

[00:36:27] CHRIS: Because there’s so many opinions on how the structure should work. And there’s some people who say it’s a tight formula. There’s other people who say that’s the death of creativity. And it’s so hard to keep all the logistics in your mind while you’re just trying to tell a goddamn story.

 

[00:36:42] CALLER #16: Yeah. And I’m like a – I don’t really like kind of neat endings that are wrapped up with a little bow, you know? So I really struggle with – I’m careful about the people I share things with because, you know, I don’t really like formulas a lot.

 

[00:36:56] CHRIS: Yeah, I get that. I just had one written and I think it bombed. It was a producer I really respect, asked me to do it. And then I haven’t even heard back on notes. It’s not good. I’m a little down about it. But you know what? I’ve had a lot of great opportunities in life, so that’s good. I hope your’s goes better than mine.

 

[00:37:15] CALLER #16: Well and just to finish one is a big deal.

 

[00:37:17] CHRIS: I think so. I think so. Get over the hump, you know?

 

[00:37:23] CALLER #16: Yeah, cool. 

 

[00:37:24] CHRIS: All right. Thanks so much. Good luck with your screenplay. I hope that it gets made into a major motion picture starring the Rock. I hope it’s the Rock that stars in your screenplay. All right. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[00:37:38] CALLER #17: Hey, it’s me. I’m on.

 

[00:37:39] CHRIS: Yeah, it’s you. You’re on.

 

[00:37:41] CALLER #17: Oh, this is insane. All right. What do you know about Harry Truman?

 

[00:37:46] CHRIS: Harry Truman took over for FDR tail end of World War 2, made the hard decision to drop the bomb. Stoic guy, good glasses, prominent nose, but a great balance between his nose and his jaw so it didn’t look like a big nose. Had to step into FDR shoes when FDR was a beloved leader. I feel like that’s maybe lost to history, that people had portraits of FDR in their homes. They loved the guy and Truman was always going to feel like a replacement in a way that was unfair to him. And then after the bomb he did a lot of stuff, but most people don’t really know about it, myself included. And in a way, that’s kind of heartbreaking.

 

[00:38:22] CALLER #17: Holy shit, Geth.

 

[00:38:23] CHRIS: Yeah. What do you know about Harry Truman? 

 

[00:38:24] CALLER #17: Wow, you know a lot about Harry Truman. Oh, my God. Did you know that guy didn’t even have a college degree? 

 

[00:38:29] CHRIS: No! 

 

[00:38:30] CALLER #17: He didn’t have a college degree. He worked. He owned a haberdashery.

 

[00:38:34] CHRIS: A hat store? 

 

[00:38:34] CALLER #17: He owned a haberdashery and it failed. And then he became – yeah! And then he became the vice president. And then the president died. And do you know what he said to Eleanor Roosevelt when he found out the president was dead and he was the president? He said, ‘is there anything I can do for you?’ Harry Truman is the most impressive man who has ever lived. Ever. And I’ll tell you another thing, when he was given the opportunity, do you want to drop this bomb? Do you want to end this war? What do you want to do? He was just a man, just a man from Independence, Missouri, with no college degree who was suddenly the president during a war! And he was the most powerful man who ever lived. A weapon that had never existed, a power that had never been given to any man at any time. Harry Truman, man, that guy’s the shit.

 

[00:39:21] CHRIS: Just a failed haberdasher who has to step up and save the world.

 

[00:39:24] CALLER #17: Yup. Also, you should check out the Red Light Cameras, they’re a band from Albuquerque, New Mexico.

 

[00:39:34] CHRIS: [laughing] Get the plug in at the end. 

 

[00:39:35] CALLER #17: I am not in it. I am not a member of – I just wanted you to know. 

 

[00:39:37] CHRIS: Yeah, I bet. I bet. All right. Thank you so much. That’s your two minutes. Look at that. The glee in your voice when you realized, ‘oh, I got 10 seconds left, let me plug my friend’s band.’ Very nicely done. Hello caller, you’re on the line.

 

[00:39:54] CALLER #18: Oh, hello, Chris. Today’s a wonderful day. 

 

[00:39:58] CHRIS: I think so, too.

 

[00:40:00] CALLER #18: I’m lifting my son right now for the first time. Well, today was the first time in six weeks that I could hold him because I had surgery six weeks ago.

 

[00:40:09] CHRIS: Whoa!

 

[00:40:11] CALLER #18: Yeah, I had my large intestine removed six weeks ago and I’ve been missing him so much and today I got the all clear! 

 

[00:40:18] CHRIS: How old is your son? 

 

[00:40:21] CALLER #18: He just turned 10 months.

 

[00:40:23] CHRIS: 10 months! How much of your large intestines did they remove?

 

[00:40:28] CALLER #18: All of it.

 

[00:40:30] CHRIS: The entire intestines? Isn’t that like 40 miles? Isn’t that the whole thing about intestines?

 

[00:40:35] CALLER #18: I don’t know exactly how long it is. But yeah. Well, the whole large intestine. So I still have all my small intestines. Which is the majority of your intestines. I’m still absorbing food.

 

[00:40:46] CHRIS: You got the Crohn’s disease? 

 

[00:40:48] CALLER #18: Yeah, that is what I have. I have Crohn’s.

 

[00:40:51] CHRIS: Ooff, I’m so sorry. And you got the little son.

 

[00:40:56] CALLER #18: Yeah. I mean, it’s been really tough these last six weeks recovering like emotionally really hard not being able to lift him, but also logistically it’s been insane. 

 

[00:41:03] CHRIS: I can’t imagine! Are you breastfeeding? 

 

[00:41:07] CALLER #18: No. I had to wean for the surgery. So that was hard too. But I’m glad I’m not like trying to recover and also dealing with that. But yeah, I actually I’m really you know, that’s been a lot of people’s reaction has been ‘I’m really sorry that you needed the surgery.’ And it does suck that I needed the surgery. But like the minute I got out of surgery, I felt so much better. It’s a huge life change because now I have like an colostomy bag and -. I just took out my AirPods, I don’t know if you can still hear me.

 

[00:41:38] CHRIS: I can! I can! Colostomy bag. 

 

[00:41:41] CALLER #18: OK, good. Yes. Yeah. So it’s a colostomy. So it’s a huge change, but like I feel amazing compared to how I felt before. So yeah, it’s just a really good day because I’m getting to, like right now I’m dancing around with my son while I’m talking to you, and it’s the best thing in the world. 

 

[00:41:57] CHRIS: Beautiful! Hold that kid as long as you can. Congratulations. [Baby noises] Ohhhh, hi little guy! All right. Thank you so much. That was a crazy story! Recovering from childbirth is always hard, let alone when they take your intestines out afterwards. All right. Next caller, welcome to the show. How are you?

 

[00:42:19] CALLER #19: Hello? 

 

[00:42:20] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[00:42:20] CALLER #19: Hi. Is this Chris? 

 

[00:42:22] CHRIS: It is. You got a minute, 55 left.

 

[00:42:26] CALLER #19: Awesome. I just wanted to say hey, I am a mental health counseling student, so I’m interning right now and checking in on clients. So heavy times sometimes. But I have a funny story I wanted to share. 

 

[00:42:42] CHRIS: I’m all ears.

 

[00:42:45] CALLER #19: My friend’s bachelorette party is potentially canceled. So me and all my friends decided to make videos of ourselves singing and dancing to It’s Raining Men. So this weekend I drank half a bottle of wine on my own and sang and danced to It’s Raining Men maybe 25 times before I came up with a video that was not humiliating and sent it to a friend who is going to collaborate them all to make her one large video of us being silly and dancing. So it was the most fun I’ve had in weeks. So I just wanted to share.

 

[00:43:26] CHRIS: Now, is there any part of you that is haunted by the thought that these videos could somehow get out?

 

[00:43:34] CALLER #19: [laughing] Oh, for sure. It is one of my closest friends so that’s the only reason why I even volunteered to be a part of this thing. But it is 1000 percent out of my comfort zone and it made my blood pump through my body a little bit faster, you know? But it was fun so I’m glad I did it.

 

[00:43:55] CHRIS: I am happy to hear that you found a way to do a virtual bachelorette party. I also want to just say thank you. You’re studying in a field where you’re going to help other people like me, and we need the help. And I thank you for it. OK. Let’s get our caller on the line.

 

[00:44:10] CALLER #20: Oh my God, hello!

 

[00:44:11] CHRIS: Yeah. Hey, what’s up? 

 

[00:44:13] CALLER #20: Hi! Wow I never thought this day would come. This is wild. OK. So, man, I have so much I want to talk about. I’ve been trying to call in just almost obsessively. But anyway, so first things first. I have been listening to Jawbreaker, which you recommended to me, and I really like them a lot.

 

[00:44:33] CHRIS: Yeah! Good.

 

[00:44:34] CALLER #20: Their song…shit, I can’t remember the exact title, the one about like the boat, the dreams of the lighthouse…that one keeps popping up –

 

[00:44:40] CHRIS: Yeah, Boat on a Hill.

 

[00:44:41] CALLER #20: That one keeps popping up on my Spotify Daily…yeah yeah yeah, it keeps popping up on my Spotify Daily and that song fucking slaps! Sorry Sally.

 

[00:44:48] CHRIS: Boat on a Hill [singing] Yeah, that’s a good one. That’s the first track on 24 Hour Revenge Therapy I think.

 

[00:44:56] CALLER #20: Yeah, it’s from that album. I don’t know what the track number is. I just know that the album pops up on my display when it listens and I listen to it. And also another thing I wanted to mention, I absolutely want a full hour with the Harry Truman lady. She was a lot of fun.

 

[00:45:12] CHRIS: Yeah, right? Who knew? I didn’t know he had a haberdashery.

 

[00:45:17] CALLER #20: Yeah, right? And one like super, super crazy, exciting thing that has happened in my life in the past like week is I am a transgender woman and I just started hormone therapy.

 

[00:45:31] CHRIS: Oh, congrats. Is that a thing to say, congrats for?

 

[00:45:36] CALLER #20: No, absolutely it’s a thing to say congrats for, it’s a big, scary thing. But oh my God, it’s so exciting. And it’s like my – I’ve you know, I’ve built a good support network and I have surrounded myself with people who love me for who I am. And it’s been this amazing, marvelous journey of self-discovery and self love and learning all the best aspects of myself and just magnifying them while I take the bad and just crush it beneath my feet. And it’s like, it’s been the weirdest mix of like discovering kind of my happy, fluffy side where I’ve been like getting into, you know, growing flowers. But also I feel like more of a badass than ever. So like so much of the world is fighting against me and I am spitting directly in their face and saying, take a hike. And that’s so satisfying.

 

[00:46:30] CHRIS: Well, look, that was – I let you go past the two minutes because I’m never gonna cut off a sentence where someone’s talking about crushing the world beneath their feet, spitting in their faces. I’m glad you’re feeling that empowered. What a beautiful thing. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Welcome.

 

[00:46:46] CALLER #21: Hey Geth, how you doing, man?

 

[00:46:48] CHRIS: I’m feeling good. How about you?

 

[00:46:51] CALLER #21: Oh, okay. Hey, how long is the wait queue for you, man?

 

[00:46:57] CHRIS: Like the – well, right now I’m looking we’ve had over 13,000 call attempts today.

 

[00:47:02] CALLER: #21: Holy shit. Holy shit. 

 

[00:47:04] CHRIS: And you’re one of the ones that got through!

 

[00:47:07] CALLER #21: I know! I don’t have Twitter. I don’t have Instagram. So I saw you on Facebook and I was like shit, I got to try. We’re both the same age. I think we may have been friends if we grew up next to each other. But I’m Midwest. You’re way out there, man. And, oh, man. You know. It’s kind of surreal talking to you.

 

[00:47:32] CHRIS: Now I’m psyched. I could always use more friends. [laughing]

 

[00:47:36] CALLER #21: Yeah. You know, I’ve kind of drafted this to writing a letter to you on Facebook, but that’s always kind of weird just sending stuff to people you don’t know.

 

[00:47:48] CHRIS: No, I appreciate it. Sometimes they go to the message requests folders though, and then I find them like six years later and I feel bad.

 

[00:47:56] CALLER #21: Something like that. Yeah. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I kind of feel like Beth Lomans from Death of a Salesman, Willy’s son.

 

[00:48:07] CHRIS: How so?

 

[00:48:09] CALLER #21: He’s just striving to be something that he puts on himself to live up to something that’s not really there, but just that’s about the only way I can describe it. I’ve tried to talk to with a friend of mine who works in the theater. It’s just kind of weird, man.

 

[00:48:30] CHRIS: Sounds like an existential crisis is unfolding.

 

[00:48:34] CALLER #21: Shit. I’ve been having those since I was 15.

 

[00:48:39] CHRIS: Wow. And we’re the same age. That’s been awhile. But I’m with you.  

 

[00:48:43] CALLER #21: Yeah pretty much man. Yeah. 

 

[00:48:45] CHRIS: All right. Well, thank you for the call. Thank you for the call. Your two minutes is up. Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else who identifies somewhere on the spectrum beyond. We’re gonna go ahead and take another break as we all have our own existential crisis, as we all find our own way to spit in the eye of the world, as we find our own way to let our haberdasheries fail. We embrace fake sneakers. We’ll be right back.

 

[AD BREAK]

 

[00:49:14] CHRIS: [music transition] All right everybody. Buckle up, grit your teeth. I’m not slowing down. Jared’s going to have to tell me when to stop, man. All right, let’s get our next caller on the line. Welcome to the show.

 

[00:49:28] CALLER #22: Hey, what’s up? 

 

[00:49:29] CHRIS: Same old, same old. How about you?

 

[00:49:33] CALLER #22: Same old, same old, I suppose. So I got some good news today. It’s not quite as big as some other people’s, but it’s very exciting to me. I got approved to be a foster dog mom for the forseeable future.

 

[00:49:44] CHRIS: Whoa cool! Cool.

 

[00:49:48] CALLER #22: Yeah, so you don’t have to feign excitement, I know how you feel about dogs.

 

[00:49:51] CHRIS: No, I think that’s nice though. I think it’s such a kind thing to do. I might not be huge into dogs, but I love kindness. I love people who are kind to other beings on Earth. 

 

[00:50:00] CALLER #22: Yes, yes. I know that. I’ve listened from the very beginning. I know that of you so I’ll give you as much for sure. Thank you so much for your show. If I don’t get that out – I had to get that out.

 

[00:50:10] CHRIS: Oh, I’m lucky to do it. Thank you.

 

[00:50:14] CALLER #22: Yes. So anyway, I should be getting a nice golden lab in a little while, his name – is it un-anonymous to say the dog’s name?

 

[00:50:21] CHRIS: That’s up to you know, you are the dog’s foster parent. So it’s up to you.

 

[00:50:27] CALLER #22: All right. Well, you know what, we’ll just keep him secret for a while. But he looks really sweet and I’ll eventually get to decide who ends up adopting him. So I’m very excited and honored to have that responsibility coming up.

 

[00:50:39] CHRIS: Now, do you have dogs of your own?

 

[00:50:42] CALLER #22: I don’t. I don’t. It’s just me and my roommate. I’m a college student and we’re at our place alone. So I’m pretty excited to have a little friend.

 

[00:50:50] CHRIS: Now, you know, you’re gonna wind up adopting this dog yourself, right?

 

[00:50:54] CALLER #22: Yeah. Oh, definitely. [Chris and caller laughing] That’s almost certainly gonna happen!

 

[00:51:02] CHRIS: It’s funny because it sounds like you just adopted a dog.

 

[00:51:06] CALLER #22: Yeah. Yeah. I’m just easing myself into it.

 

[00:51:09] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah, that’s fair. That’s fair. Yeah. You’re gonna fall in love with this. You’re gonna fall in love with this anonymous dog and it’s gonna be a match made in heaven.

 

[00:51:17] CALLER #22: Yeah, I’m excited. So anyway, thanks for doing this today. I don’t know how much time I have.

 

[00:51:22] CHRIS: Oh, you got 5,4,3,2…

 

[00:51:26] CALLER #22: Oh, thank you! Take care of yourself and your family.

 

[00:51:28] CHRIS: Yes. Likewise. Thank you. Take care of that dog. And the roommate who I didn’t hear anything about. Okay. Let’s keep it going. Caller, welcome to the show.

 

[00:51:36] CALLER #23: Hi!

 

[00:51:37] CHRIS: Hey.

 

[00:51:38] CALLER #23: Oh my God. I am way too caffeinated for this shit. Holy shit. [Chris and caller laughing] I picked the wrong day to take coffee. It’s just me, in my house with my fish named Slim Shady and he’s my favorite. And you now. Hello!

 

[00:51:53] CHRIS: Hello to you and Slim Shady the fish.

 

[00:51:58] CALLER #23: OK so I want to hot seat you for two minutes. So that means I’m just gonna ask you a bunch of questions that I’ve been writing and you just have to answer them as quick as you can. Are you ready?

 

[00:52:07] CHRIS: Yup, let’s go.

 

[00:52:10] CALLER #23: All right, what’s the last movie you watched?

 

[00:52:13] CHRIS: Last movie I watched was 1917, maybe?

 

[00:52:19] CALLER #23: Oooh, nice. What’s your favorite cheese?

 

[00:52:22] CHRIS: Favorite cheese is cheddar.

 

[00:52:25] CALLER #23: What’s your favorite way to eat peanut butter?

 

[00:52:27] CHRIS: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 

[00:52:29] CALLER #23: Do you own any plants?

 

[00:52:31] CHRIS: My wife does. I don’t know if that counts. I never water them, so no.

 

[00:52:35] CALLER #23: It counts, it counts.

 

[00:52:36] CHRIS: OK, then yes.

 

[00:52:37] CALLER #23: Beach or mountains?

 

[00:52:39] CHRIS: What?

 

[00:52:40] CALLER #23: Beach or mountains?

 

[00:52:41] CHRIS: Mountains.

 

[00:52:43] CALLER #23: What’s your favorite liquid to drink?

 

[00:52:47] CHRIS: Oh, Mr. Cucumber. It’s a rare soda.

 

[00:52:50] CALLER #23: [laughing] I love that. What’s your favorite household chore?

 

[00:52:55] CHRIS: My favorite household chore…I’ve come to really find doing the dishes as a Zen activity.

 

[00:53:00] CALLER #23: Oh that’s the worst! No. OK, what’s your favorite book?

[00:53:04] CHRIS: Favorite book is…it’s cliche, but it’s To Kill a Mockingbird.

 

[00:53:08] CALLER #23: Oh, I love that. What’s your current Netflix binge that you’re watching?

 

[00:53:12] CHRIS: We just wrapped up that horrible show Love is Blind which was an exploitative and disastrous mess.

 

[00:53:19] CALLER #23: Have you seen Tiger King?

 

[00:53:21] CHRIS: We watched about 15 minutes of it but my wife is a huge supporter of animal rights and felt like she couldn’t handle it.

 

[00:53:27] CALLER #23: OK, yeah that’s fair. What’s one place that you’ve always wanted to visit but you haven’t had a chance?

 

[00:53:32] CHRIS: Japan. Thank you so much for the call, that was incredible. You put me on the spot. I’m sorry I dropped the ball and dragged my feet on a couple because I could have answered one more question. All right, next caller, you’re on the line.

 

[00:53:43] CALLER #24: Oh my God! Hello?

 

[00:53:47] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[00:53:49] CALLER #24: Hi. So I was just thinking about, you know when you have a song stuck in your head but it’s right before you fall asleep and you can’t fall asleep?

 

[00:54:02] CHRIS: Yeah.

 

[00:54:04] CALLER #24: I had a Mariah Carey song stuck in my head the other night and it was a pivotal moment of a key change too so it was pretty much just her shouting at me and so I rolled over to my boyfriend and was like, ‘ok maybe if we get things going the song will get out of my head’. And so things happened and then I was like OK I’m exhausted now, let’s go to bed, and the key change was still stuck in there!

 

[00:54:36] CHRIS: So you’re telling me you initiated romantic times to get a Mariah Carey key change out of your head and it didn’t work.

 

[00:54:44] CALLER #24: It didn’t work.

 

[00:54:46] CHRIS: Now, can I tell you something?

 

[00:54:48] CALLER #24: Yes.

 

[00:54:49] CHRIS: I’ve had many, many calls today. Every single one has meant something to me and a lot of them have fascinated me. That being said, this is the one that’s making me laugh the hardest, so thank you for that.

 

[00:55:04] CALLER #24: [laughing] Well good, I’m glad. Because I haven’t told anybody that yet, not even the guy and it was a lot. It was some sort of torture that I haven’t experienced before.

 

[00:55:21] CHRIS: Now we have 20 seconds left, would you like to sing the section of the song so it’s in all of our heads? Or do you fear that that would put it back in your head?

 

[00:55:28] CALLER #24: No because the reason why I decided this would be what I shared was because it came on my Spotify shuffle and it’s already stuck in my head again so I don’t want to torture anybody else.

 

[00:55:39] CHRIS: Fair. Your two minutes is up. Thank you so much. That was a crowd favorite. I’m predicting right there, crowd favorite. All right, next caller you’re on the line. Welcome to the show.

 

[00:55:51] CALLER #25: Hello.

 

[00:55:52] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[00:55:54] CALLER #25: So, I wanted to talk to you about Billy Bragg. 

 

[00:56:00] CHRIS: I’m wearing a Billy Bragg t-shirt right now!

 

[00:56:02] CALLER #25: No way!

 

[00:56:03] CHRIS: My wife got it for me for Christmas. 

 

[00:56:06] CALLER #25: Oh my God. Well then it was meant to be that we talk about this.

 

[00:56:09] CHRIS: Absolutely.

 

[00:56:11] CALLER #25: So like, actually it was a long time ago, we checked into a hotel in Seattle and it happened to be across the street from the Neptune Theatre. And of course on the marquee it said, ‘Billy Bragg tonight, sold out!’ And I was like you’ve got to be kidding me. I’m across the street what do I do? It’s sold out. So my question is what would you have done? Would you have gone and like stood by the bus and stalked him? Would you have tried to like get a ticket from a scalper? What would you have done?

 

[00:56:38] CHRIS: I would think about the scalping route. I’d go on like StubHub, Seat Geek, those types of things. And I’d see if there was a jacked up ticket price and I’d pay it begrudgingly. If I was really desperate, I might pull the entertainment industry bullshit card of calling my agent to see if they know anyone who works at the Neptune Theatre.

 

[00:57:01] CALLER #25: Oh no!

 

[00:57:02] CHRIS: But I rarely do that. Now what did you do?

 

[00:57:04] CALLER #25: Well I was lame and I gave up, so. That’s why I wanted to see what you’d do.

 

[00:57:08] CHRIS: Heartbreaking.

 

[00:57:10] CALLER #25: Yeah, I know. 

 

[00:57:12] CHRIS: Billy Bragg himself would be mad at you for giving up.

 

[00:57:15] CALLER #25: Well I mean, how many chances am I gonna get to see him? It seemed a little sad. And it was sad, but anyway. I can’t believe you’re wearing a Billy Bragg shirt today.

 

[00:57:25] CHRIS: Yeah, it says [singing], ‘just because you’re going forward doesn’t mean I’m going backwards.’

 

[00:57:32] CALLER #25: [laughing] Nice. So can I also suggest a band that I love that you might like?

 

[00:57:36] CHRIS: Yes, you have seven seconds to do it.

 

[00:57:39] CALLER #25: Sunbathe. They’re from Portland, Oregon. Maggie May Morris is the lead singer. I love her and I love their music.

 

[00:57:45] CHRIS: All right, I’ll try to remember to check them out. Thank you so much. What if I said you have seven seconds to do it and the caller was like, ‘I was going to recommend early 80’s hardcore band Seven Seconds’. That would have been serendipitous. Didn’t happen. Let’s move on. Caller, welcome to the show.

 

[00:58:01] CALLER #26: Hello?

 

[00:58:02] CHRIS: Hello.

 

[00:58:03] CALLER #26: Hey Chris, what’s going on?

 

[00:58:05] CHRIS: You know, just taking calls. Talking to nice people.

 

[00:58:08] CALLER #26: How are you doing today?

 

[00:58:09] CHRIS: Feeling pretty good. How about you?

 

[00:58:13] CALLER #26: Good. I’m sitting out here by the water listening to a little music. The dog’s out here.

 

[00:58:18] CHRIS: Nice. River, lake? River, lake, ocean?

 

[00:58:23] CALLER #26: I’m on the Chesapeake.

 

[00:58:25] CHRIS: Oh, so a bay.

 

[00:58:27] CALLER #26: In Maryland.

 

[00:58:28] CHRIS: Yeah, nice.

 

[00:58:30] CALLER #26: I’m waiting for my daughter to wake up from her nap. Like you, I’m a new father.

 

[00:58:35] CHRIS: Hey, congrats! How old?

 

[00:58:37] CALLER #26: She just turned eight months two weeks ago, so I guess eight and a half months.

 

[00:58:41] CHRIS: Nice. Eight and a half months.

 

[00:58:42] CALLER #26: Yes. She’s crawling, pulling herself up. Learning to walk, doing the no-hand balancing act and falling down a lot. Seems to be her current favorite thing.

 

[00:58:54] CHRIS: It’s really wild, you see them do this stuff and they can’t even really do it and then you flip out that they did it. You’re like ‘you fell on your face, that’s awesome!’ 

 

[00:59:03] CALLER #26: Well the fascinating thing is once they learn it, like the crawling, you watch them try to do it for so long. And then once they get it, that’s it. They’ve got it. It’s really cool, man. It’s been fun to watch her.

 

[00:59:17] CHRIS: And then a few weeks later you turn around and you’re like, there was a time when they couldn’t even do this and now they’re outright sprinting – crawl sprinting – around the house. 

 

[00:59:29] CALLER #26: Yeah, it’s scary. We’re in the process of ordering a lot of things online and baby proofing the place a little more than it is.

 

[00:59:35] CHRIS: Yeah I mean, Cal literally tries to put his mouth on outlets. It’s terrifying.

 

[00:59:41] CALLER #26: Oh yeah. She was trying to crawl yesterday and got distracted by the outlet next to her and I had to quickly get up and grab her.

 

[00:59:47] CHRIS: Yeah. All you do. All you do is save their lives.

 

[00:59:51] CALLER #26: Lot of trouble they get into, yeah. Keeps me busy.

 

[00:59:54] CHRIS: Congratulations, so cool to hear. I hope she enjoys the nap. Really cool to hear someone else is in it as well. Also, listen if you’re out there and you’re a listener, I know that for the majority of that call his audio quality was horrible but I’m in my head going, ‘he’s a new dad, it’s two minutes, who cares?’ All right, next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:00:13] CALLER #27: Hello?

 

[01:00:13] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:00:16] CALLER #27: Hi, oh my gosh.

 

[01:00:18] CHRIS: How ya feelin’?

 

[01:00:20] CALLER #27: Oh, I’m good. I’m good. So this is unbelievable. So, yeah. So, I’ve been kind of taking the day…how are you? Sorry.

 

[01:00:29] CHRIS: I’m great. 

 

[01:00:32] CALLER #27: I’m so nervous. Sorry. 

 

[01:00:34] CHRIS: No, no worries. No need to be.

 

[01:00:35] CALLER #27: I just want to say, I was taking the day kind of going through some stuff. My mom passed away last year.

 

[01:00:41] CHRIS: Oh, I’m sorry.

 

[01:00:42] CALLER #27: And I was – yeah. Thank you. But I was going through some of her old stuff and I found this and it made me laugh. I thought you might want to hear it. It is a homework assignment from when she was like seven years old. So I just want to read it because it gave me a chuckle and you might enjoy it, too. So we have – she grew up in L.A. OK? So you know the Queen Mary boat?

 

[01:01:05] CHRIS: Mmm-hmm. I’m vaguely familiar.

 

[01:01:08] CALLER #27: OK. OK. So this was her trip to the Queen Mary. She says, ‘my family and I went to the Queen Mary on Sunday. We went to restaurants. We went to Jacques Cousteau’s Living Sea. And then we went to the upper decks. My mom and dad went to the bar. We went to a candy store. We went to an engine room. At that point, we were 20 feet under the water. Then we went to the Queen Mary’s Museum and I went to the captain’s deck. And then we went to the main deck and I pulled down a lever and a bell rang. And my dad said, ‘Terry, ring the queen’s bell.’ And that was it, so –

 

[01:01:44] CHRIS: What a cool thing to find.

 

[01:01:48] CALLER #27: Yeah. It’s bizarre. And I don’t – are you familiar with ringing someone’s bell right?

 

[01:01:52] CHRIS: Yeah. That means punching them right?

 

[01:01:55] CALLER #27: Or to like sexually arouse somebody.

 

[01:01:58] CHRIS: Oh, wow. I didn’t know it had the double meaning. Look at that.

 

[01:02:02] CALLER #27: [laughing] Yeah, it does. But I don’t know, we got a pretty good kick laughing about that today. Just something from like, you know, the early 70s.

 

[01:02:11] CHRIS: Amazing memory to find. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. We’re gonna keep the ball rolling. Everybody’s ringing everybody’s bells around here. All right. Caller, welcome.

 

[01:02:23] CALLER #28: Hello. 

 

[01:02:24] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:02:26] CALLER #28: How’s it going, Chris?

 

[01:02:28] CHRIS: It’s going great. How are you?

 

[01:02:30] CALLER #28: I’m doing pretty good. Just doing some gardening. I’m actually pulling weeds as we speak.

 

[01:02:34] CHRIS: Nice. Hey, have we spoken before?

 

[01:02:37] CALLER #28: No, we haven’t, actually. I’ve been a longtime listener like since the very beginning, but I’ve never actually tried to call until this past month. I’ve tried a few times.

 

[01:02:47] CHRIS: Wow. Yeah, your voice sounds familiar to me, but I guess I’m wrong.

 

[01:02:52] CALLER #28: Well, yeah, I guess – one thing I have in my garden that you might find interesting is I planted my herbs in a shopping cart, which I spray painted gold.

 

[01:03:01] CHRIS: Nice. 

 

[01:03:04] CALLER #28: Yes. 

 

[01:03:05] CHRIS: Can I ask a dumb question?

 

[01:03:08] CALLER #28: Yeah, totally.

 

[01:03:10] CHRIS: I’m about to – this is so dumb. How does it hold the dirt? ‘Cause shopping carts have holes in them. [laughing] 

 

[01:03:18] CALLER #28: [laughing] That’s not a dumb question. It’s got a layer of burlap inside. So excess water can drain through, but it does hold the dirt in there.

 

[01:03:28] CHRIS: Right. Burlap. That makes sense. I don’t know why – I don’t know why I felt so stupid asking that.

 

[01:03:36] CALLER #28: Well, you know, if anyone listening wants to make a shopping cart garden, that’s an important step. You got to line it so the dirt doesn’t fall through.

 

[01:03:43] CHRIS: Get that burlap poppin’ off. Now, where’d you get a shopping cart? Did you steal it or did you come through aboveboard means?

 

[01:03:51] CALLER #28: I was walking home from work one day and it was sitting on the sidewalk on my street. So I just pushed it the rest of the way home. I didn’t like, steal it from the store myself but I took it home. So I kind of half stole it, I guess.

 

[01:04:05] CHRIS: Wow. All right. Good to know. So either some local teen used it for mischief and ditched it, or somebody is wondering, where’s that shopping cart I stole?

 

[01:04:16] CALLER #28: I actually have a strange obsession with shopping carts that have been abandoned. There’s a hashtag on Instagram. Well, I guess I won’t be anonymous if I tell everybody my hashtag, but I like to take pictures of shopping carts that have been abandoned. And they’re kind of just like sad and lonely to me, so it’s kind of metaphorical.

 

[01:04:34] CHRIS: All right. Well, you’re two minutes is up on the sad metaphorical nature of an abandoned shopping cart. Thank you so much for calling. Let’s get our next caller poppin’ off. Let’s do this. We’re not even close to done. Let’s make it happen.

 

[01:04:48] CALLER #29: Hi, Chris. 

 

[01:04:48] CHRIS: Hi. How are you?

 

[01:04:49] CALLER #29: Dude, I’m doing wonderful. All right. So I guess I’ll start off with this. What’s up with Buffalo, man? What’s wrong with that? 

 

[01:04:57] CHRIS: Buffalo? 

 

[01:04:59] CALLER #29: Yeah. 

 

[01:05:00] CHRIS: The city? 

 

[01:05:01] CALLER #29: You never talk about like, any good stuff.

 

[01:05:03] CHRIS: Buffalo is great! What are you talking about? I just played Sugar City in Buffalo a few months ago. It was amazing.

 

[01:05:09] CALLER #29: I know. And I wasn’t here. I was so sad about it.

 

[01:05:12] CHRIS: Yeah, I liked it. I found a vegetarian beef, it was amazing.

 

[01:05:17] CALLER #29: I’m like, oh, man. Like. Nothing, nothing ever good is said about Buffalo, which is kind of true, but. OK, I don’t have much time. But quick fun story. So I’ve had my nose broken three times, two times playing rugby, one time in a Marilyn Manson concert in Maine.

 

[01:05:40] CHRIS: [laughing] So is it starting to show like effects like how boxers get the flat nose? After three times, do you see a physical alteration in your face?

 

[01:05:48] CALLER #29: Yeah, and a lot of people, they always you know, it’s always mentioned at least every now and then. And, you know, everyday I get to crack my nose and just like pop it back in place. So that’s fun.

 

[01:05:59] CHRIS: Geez. Now rugby – people who like rugby go so hard that they don’t even care that they permanently alter their face. And it’s largely a hobby for most people, at least in the States.

 

[01:06:11] CALLER #29: Yeah, it’s a weird like, it’s a weird mix of people. And then you just go out and get hammered and pretend like nothing ever happened.

 

[01:06:20] CHRIS: Yeah. You’re like actually brutalizing people and then you go and drink with them.

 

[01:06:24] CALLER #29: Yeah. Because, you know, that’s what everyone should do. I think that we would be a lot better if we actually just all did that. Just get in an argument and then go out for a drink.

 

[01:06:32] CHRIS: I think that’s a good thing too. And now we got 10 seconds left. I want to say – I want to go on record. Buffalo’s pretty cool. I didn’t know Buffalo was cool. And I went out there, Sugar City is amazing.

 

[01:06:41] CALLER #29: I appreciate it. Come back here sometime. I would like it.

 

[01:06:45] CHRIS: I would love to. Thank you so much for the call. Next caller. Welcome to the show.

 

[01:06:51] CALLER #30: Hi, Chris. 

 

[01:06:51] CHRIS: Hey. 

 

[01:06:53] CALLER #30: How are you? 

 

[01:06:54] CHRIS: Doing great. How are you?

 

[01:06:57] CALLER #30: I’m good. I’m just watching my kid outside playing after a day of work. 

 

[01:07:02] CHRIS: That’s awful nice. 

 

[01:07:04] CALLER #30: He’s trying to master a big boy bike with training wheels.

 

[01:07:08] CHRIS: Oh, that’s so nice.

 

[01:07:12] CALLER #30: So I’m on mommy duty because the boo-boos.

 

[01:07:15] CHRIS: Yeah, my nephew. He has one of these bikes – he’s real little – so he’s got one of these bikes that doesn’t have pedals. He’s just supposed to walk on it. And we were out by their place a couple months ago and he went on a hill and just, he’d never balanced correctly. And then all of a sudden he took off down the hill, wiped out. We all felt bad.

 

[01:07:33] CALLER #30: Oh, no! Man. So no pedals, there’s no brakes as well, right?

 

[01:07:39] CHRIS: Exactly. That’s the design flaw. 

 

[01:07:44] CALLER #30: Man. Yeah. Well my kid has this awesome Paw Patrol bike and he’s been so excited. I actually talked to you for the 2019 resolution call.

 

[01:07:57] CHRIS: Oh, awesome. Good to talk to you again. 

 

[01:08:00] CALLER #30: I said that I wanted to have another kid. 

 

[01:08:03] CHRIS: How’d it turn out? 

 

[01:08:04] CALLER #30: I did not do that. 

 

[01:08:05] CHRIS: Oh, no. Is it –

 

[01:08:07] CALLER #30: I think I’m one and done. 

 

[01:08:09] CHRIS: Yeah? 

 

[01:08:10] CALLER #30: Yeah. Because he is a handful and he is amazing.

 

[01:08:15] CHRIS: [laughing] So you feel like you got enough on your plate. Let’s just focus up on the one.

 

[01:08:19] CALLER #30: Yeah. I get to give him the world if I only have to focus on him.

 

[01:08:24] CHRIS: That’s how I’m feeling too. I think I’m one and done as well. It would be nice for him to have somebody to play with. But if I can just get one right, I feel like I’ll be very, very happy.

 

[01:08:33] CALLER #30: Yeah. I grew up an only child and you know, I made my friends and I had a huge imagination. So I feel like he’ll be OK.

 

[01:08:42] CHRIS: I think so. Sounds like he’s got good people looking out for him. Thank you so much for the call. I hope I get to talk to you again at one of our next lightning round episodes. I like that people – there’s the lightning round clique. People who only get through on the lightning round episodes. OK. Next caller. Welcome to the show.

 

[01:08:59] CALLER #31: Hello? 

 

[01:09:00] CHRIS: Hey, what’s up?

 

[01:09:02] CALLER #31: Oh, shit. [laughing] Oh, I’m just sitting out in my backyard at my parents’ house and studying for a class that – an anatomy class. So kind of interesting stuff. I only got a few weeks left of the course, so. So I’ll be glad when I’m done. How are you doing?

 

[01:09:33] CHRIS: I’m good. What’s your major?

 

[01:09:37] CALLER #31: Well, I’ve already gone to college, but I’m kind of one of those typical millennials that graduated and had a really hard time finding a job. And kind of jumped around all over the place and still just trying to find my place, you know? See where I fit. But I would like to try to become like a physical therapist assistant.

 

[01:10:16] CHRIS: That sounds like a good – physical therapists, unspoken heroes, they help a lot of people whose lives can’t move forward without some help in that realm.

 

[01:10:29] CALLER #31: Yeah. Yeah. To be able to qualify for programs, I’m supposed to either work in an office or have a certain number of volunteer hours. But I could only find something that I could volunteer at. So it was still fine though. And it was really cool. I volunteered at the VA where I live and just really cool experience, you know? I got to hear like lots of different like war stories and stuff like that and different life lessons. And sometimes you’ll get like cranky old Vietnam vets. And then other times you’ll get more just like younger, like Afghan, Iraq and Iran, Afghanistan vets and stuff like that. So really, really cool experience. 

 

[01:11:44] CHRIS: Wow. Keep up the good work. Thank you so much for the call. I will say that one was well over two minutes. I was letting him finish his thought because I didn’t want to cut anybody off while he’s talking about people who have served our country. I felt like that would be a tacky move. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:12:00] CALLER #32: Hi. 

 

[01:12:01] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:12:04] CALLER #32: Thank you so much for taking my call. 

 

[01:12:06] CHRIS: Thanks for calling.

 

[01:12:08] CALLER #32: OK. So I have two things. One thing I want to tell you and one thing I want to ask you. 

 

[01:12:12] CHRIS: OK. 

 

[01:12:13] CALLER #32: OK. So, here goes. I want to tell you thank you. Thank you so much for Career Suicide. I struggle with depression, anxiety. And there was a particular weekend where my doctor was kind of tinkering with my meds and it didn’t go so well, and I put that on and I just felt so much better. It got me through the weekend. Watched it a couple times. And then we went back to a better medication for me. But I just wanted to thank you for that. Thank you for putting that out in the world.

 

[01:12:41] CHRIS: Well, I’m happy you found that medication, and I’m happy that I helped pass the time in between. That means the world to me.

 

[01:12:48] CALLER #32: Oh, thank you so much. Also likewise, thank you for Jack Mormon, that episode that aired many moons ago. It was really influential in my own work. So thank you for – and I can talk to you about that if I ever call back another time and have more time. But I wanted to ask you another question. I wanted to ask you if you’re reading anything right now and what you’re reading.

 

[01:13:11] CHRIS: Well, I tell you, I’ve gotten really into reading long form journalism. I haven’t read a book in a while, but I subscribe to The Atavist magazine. I find a lot of long reads and I love Texas Monthly magazine. There’s a lot of great true crime there by a guy named Skip Hollandsworth. I think he’s a very underrated writer. I like Pamela Coleoff and her long form writing. I’m currently reading one in the Smithsonian mag about a spy who was outed and they’re not certain how these spies got outed to the Soviet Union back in the day. So I’ve been reading magazine articles because I can actually finish them with my one-year-old. So I like picking up a lot of info that way. So that’s where I’m at.

 

[01:13:53] CALLER #32: How interesting. Well, if I ever call back again and get the hour long episode, I’ll tell you about how I used to live in the Soviet Union. And we’ll talk. 

 

[01:13:59] CHRIS: Ooohh. Please do. Sounds good. Thank you so much. 

 

[01:14:03] CALLER #32: Thanks, Chris. 

 

[01:14:03] CHRIS: Keep it rolling. Keep it rolling. Next caller. Hello. Welcome.

 

[01:14:10] CALLER #33: Hey, Chris. How’s it going?

 

[01:14:12] CHRIS: It’s good. I’m officially, I’m going to go ahead and say on the record for the first time, I’m starting to get hoarse. So I think we’re over the hump – we’re over the halfway point anyway. It’s up to you. Let’s go. What do you want to know? What do you want to say? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

 

[01:14:27] CALLER #33: So to keep it simple, I just want to encourage everyone out there, because I’ve been hearing a lot about people who are now trying to revitalize the idea of victory gardens and stuff. And so plants have always kind of been my hobby. I love growing them both indoors and outdoors. And there’s just something kind of amazing about like, growing something with your own hands and watching life kind of spring forth. It’s definitely been something that I’ve found is very relaxing, but also very rewarding. So just definitely want to keep encouraging that.

 

[01:15:09] CHRIS: That’s cool. Have you heard about how you could put burlap in a shopping cart and grow stuff out of it?

 

[01:15:16] CALLER #33: I have not heard about burlap in a shopping cart, but I’ve seen like those fabric bags people have that they like can move around and some people even grow like potatoes and stuff in them.

 

[01:15:29] CHRIS: Now, for a novice like me who’s never gardened a day in my life, what are some gratifying, simple plants to start out with?

 

[01:15:37] CALLER #33: OK, first question, indoor or outdoor? 

 

[01:15:40] CHRIS: Outdoor.

 

[01:15:42] CALLER #33: OK, outdoor. Probably some of the easiest are your salad greens. So your lettuce, you’re like arugula and stuff, that basically grows itself. And then if you have the space, a lot of squash. Something I grew last year for the first time that turned out really well is for flowers – there’s something called Mexican sunflower. It grew up to like eight feet and was just full of these orange flowers and it was beautiful. Hummingbirds would come by and monarchs and stuff. It was awesome.

 

[01:16:23] CHRIS: Well, I’m sold. Thank you so much. I’m gonna check out these Mexican sunflowers while I grow myself some squash. All right. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:16:32] CALLER #34: Hello. 

 

[01:16:33] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:16:34] CALLER #34: Hi, is this Chris? 

 

[01:16:35] CHRIS: It is. 

 

[01:16:36] CALLER #34: No way! How are you? 

 

[01:16:38] CHRIS: I’m doing great. How are you?

 

[01:16:40] CALLER #34: I’m good, thanks. I love the show. I actually just got Stitcher Premium to listen to like the backlog. And thank you so much for your work. I really love it. And it’s amazing.

 

[01:16:50] CHRIS: I feel very, very lucky to do it. And the fact that anyone cares really does mean a lot to me. So thanks for seeking it out.

 

[01:16:57] CALLER #34: Of course. I also, just something fun. I think I’m the youngest caller to ever be on. I haven’t listened to all of them yet.

 

[01:17:03] CHRIS: How old are you?

 

[01:17:05] CALLER #34: I’m fifteen.

 

[01:17:06] CHRIS: Oh, wow. Welcome to the show. 

 

[01:07:08] CALLER #34: Thanks so much. Yeah. How are you doing? How’s this been going?

 

[01:17:14] CHRIS: I feel pretty good about it. You know, it got off to a rocky start. That was on me. And now I feel like it’s cookin’. I’ve heard a lot of cool stuff. Met a lot of cool people. And now I get to meet you. So I would say it’s a good day thus far.

 

[01:17:29] CALLER #34: That’s awesome. Yeah. I’m so glad to hear that. Oh, also, I just thought of this. Might be controversial given your ideas on math. But I am doing math homework right now, unfortunately.

 

[01:17:41] CHRIS: What subject? Where are we at? Algebra?

 

[01:17:45] CALLER #34: I am doing logarithms right now is the problem that I’m doing. So like it’s all online class right now. So I have to like post my solutions in like a Google document. So yeah, I think it’s going well though.

 

[01:17:59] CHRIS: As soon as you said logarithms – have I ever mentioned on the show that when starting in seventh grade, every time I had a math test, I would experience such anxiety that I’d have to use the bathroom and then my teacher, Francis Sparo thought I was cheating and leaving answers for myself in the bathroom. But I really had to go.

 

[01:18:16] CALLER #34: [laughing] That’s actually so funny. I have not heard that.

 

[01:18:20] CHRIS: Yeah. Logarithms. You brought me back.

 

[01:18:24] CALLER #34: I’m so sorry about that.

 

[01:18:26] CHRIS: No, you have nothing to apologize for. That was a great call. Look at that, I do believe you might be our youngest caller ever. Thank you so much. You’re the future. Please correct the problems my generation is making. Please save the Earth. Make the economy make sense. Take care of people. You personally at the age of 15, I’m putting it all on you. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:18:49] CALLER #35: Hello? 

 

[01:18:50] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:18:52] CALLER #35: How’s it going?

 

[01:18:53] CHRIS: It’s doing great. How are you?

 

[01:18:56] CALLER #35: I’m doing good. Holding a nine-month-old, trying to put up a towel rod.

 

[01:19:01] CHRIS: Nice. I remember that. We’re coming up on a year for my guy. Coming up on a year. 

 

[01:19:07] CALLER #35: Very nice. We met you in Atlanta at your very last show where Carmen scared the shit out of you thinking your wife went into labor.

 

[01:19:13] CHRIS: Oh, I was ready to kill that dude. So, I don’t want to take up your time. My friend Carmen who comes on the road with me, I told him you know, my wife is very close to her due date. I said, if the phone rings and it’s her, she’s in labor, you got to come get me off stage right away. And he came running out, last show of the tour and faked – and I said on stage, hey, if he comes out, that’s why. Everybody lost their minds and then he was just messing around. It was bad. He got me good.

 

[01:19:39] CALLER #35: Yeah, I’ve never wanted it more of a bootleg. I want a bootleg video of that.

 

[01:19:43] CHRIS: Yes, I can imagine. Yeah. He got me good on that one. Anyway, what’s up with you?

 

[01:19:47] CALLER #35: Not much. We just built a house so we moved in and trying to get all the odds and ends screwed into the wall, leveled up. Stuff like that.

 

[01:19:55] CHRIS: Nice. That’s a good feeling. That’s a good feeling. 

 

[01:19:58] CALLER #35: Fun stuff. 

 

[01:19:59] CHRIS: You got a nine-month-old, you got a new house, that feels – that’s adulthood, right? That’s adulthood, is hitting you in the face.

 

[01:20:06] CALLER #35: Yeah, 2019 was a busy year.

 

[01:20:09] CHRIS: It sounds like it, sounds like it. Yeah, we’re buying a house, too. We’re not allowed to move in just yet, but I’m not going to say why ’cause that’ll violate the rules. 

 

[01:20:17] CALLER #35: OK, I was wondering if you moved in yet. 

 

[01:20:19] CHRIS: No. I gotta get my stuff – anyway. Who wants to dwell on that? This is all about positivity. Hey, the Punchline in Atlanta is a great club and it’s in a diner. I’ve never seen that before.

 

[01:20:32] CALLER #35: Well see, when we were looking it up, I thought the diner was out of business and the Punchline took it over. We went to some barbecue place and then we got there and we were like oh, it’s still open. Guess we could have eaten at this little diner thing. 

 

[01:20:43] CHRIS: Yeah, it’s a really cool setup. Thank you for the call. Congrats on the house. Congrats on the kid. Congrats on adulthood. Sounds like you got your act together. That’s really awesome. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:20:55] CALLER #36: Oh, my God. Hello.

 

[01:20:58] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:21:01] CALLER #36: [laughing] What upppp?

 

[01:21:03] CHRIS: What upppp? 

 

[01:21:06] CALLER #36: Uh sorry, I’m just walking my dog. And every time you said next caller I was saying in my head, ‘me, let it be me!’

 

[01:21:13] CHRIS: Your time to shine is upon us.

 

[01:21:16] CALLER #36: Oh, man. I don’t even know what to say. I work in a grocery store, HEB in Texas. So that’s all I have going on right now.

 

[01:21:31] CHRIS: Working at the grocery store. Are we talking manager, are we talking cashier? What are we talking here?

 

[01:21:38] CALLER #36: Oh, no. My first day was three weeks ago. And I got hired before all this stuff, like really became real here. And my first day was like I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing. So every time I messed up, I would just look at the customer and be like, it’s my first day! And then, you know. 

 

[01:22:00] CHRIS: I worked at a grocery store – I worked at an A&P supermarket in the deli for a couple months. And I’m going to go out and tell you, one of the most stressful jobs I’ve ever had.

 

[01:22:14] CALLER #36: Yeah, I luckily, I’m a curbside person, so I like shop for people’s groceries and bring them to their car. And since this has started, like people have been like super nice. Like, I haven’t experienced any complaints or any nasty words. Everybody looks at us like we’re American heroes or something.

 

[01:22:35] CHRIS: Well I tell you, people putting their health at risk so the rest of us can keep going. I really do thank you for it. I really do.

 

[01:22:45] CALLER #36: Thank you. Just doing my job.

 

[01:22:49] CHRIS: And I tell you, the rest of us are thankful that you are. Thank you for the call. I’m glad I got to put that out there, because I really feel like it. I really feel like, you see, it’s the salt of the earth people lifting the rest of us up. We all owe them a big thank you in a big way. Let’s get the next caller on the line.

 

[01:23:13] CALLER #37: Hello. 

 

[01:23:14] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:23:17] CALLER #37: How are you doing? 

 

[01:23:18] CHRIS: I tell you, I wish I brought a glass of water with me in here.

 

[01:23:21] CALLER #37: You know, I got to tell you, I kept telling myself that I was not going to ask you how you’re doing. But it’s so reflexive that I didn’t even – it was like, wow, that just escaped. 

 

[01:23:31] CHRIS: It’s all right. It happens. I’m just always going to answer honestly. A little parched.

 

[01:23:36] CALLER #37: Yeah no, I appreciate that. I mean, I feel like the last two times we talked, it was, you know, hard getting stuff out of you. I’m just happy to be here.

 

[01:23:46] CHRIS: Wait, we’ve talked before? 

 

[01:23:47] CALLER #37: We have. I just wanted to tell you that, you know, my wife does not think I am representing myself with complete honesty. So maybe the next time we talk, I can keep trying.

 

[01:24:02] CHRIS: This is feeling awfully mysterious to me.

 

[01:24:05] CALLER #37: That’s good. That’s good. So I feel like there hasn’t been enough singing. [Chris laughing] So, I don’t know. Do you know the lyrics to Sweet Caroline? 

 

[01:24:14] CHRIS: I know some of them. Yeah.

 

[01:24:15] CALLER #37: All right, I’m going to sing and then you come in when you can. 

 

[01:24:18] CHRIS: All right. 

 

[01:24:19] CALLER #37: Where it began, [Chris humming] I can’t begin to know it, but then I know it’s growing strong. Was it the spring? [Chris humming] and spring became the summer. Who would have believed you’d come along [Chris humming] Hands [both singing] touching hands. Reaching out, touching me, touching you! Sweet caroline, bum bum bum, good times never seemed so good. 

 

[01:25:03] CHRIS: So good, so good, so good! I’m inclined – thank you to the squirrel and the giraffe. That was two minutes. I figured it out. I figured it out. Cool cat, you’ve become a big part of the show, squirrel and the giraffe. You’re the squirrel. I’m the giraffe. I think that’s how that works. Anyway, that was fun. Next caller. Hello.

[01:25:24] CALLER #38: Hello? 

 

[01:25:25] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:25:27] CALLER #38: Hi! 

 

[01:25:28] CHRIS: Welcome.

 

[01:25:30] CALLER #38: Crazy. Hello. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to get on because just like I finally got through. But then I just heard other people talking. So that was interesting. But it was really fun. Great singing of Sweet Caroline. Really enjoyed that.

 

[01:25:44] CHRIS: Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Yeah. Now, what’s your story?

 

[01:25:48] CALLER #38: Well I’m just painting my living room. Just doing some home projects with my fiance. We just bought a house last year. So, you know, slowly coming together.

 

[01:25:58] CHRIS: That’s cool. What kind of projects are you working on right now?

 

[01:26:04] CALLER #38: Mostly just painting. And he just made some flower beds. 

 

[01:26:09] CHRIS: That’s nice. 

 

[01:26:10] CALLER #38: And we’re trying to make like – yeah, we’re trying to get the garden going, you know. All the fun homeowner stuff. And I’ve only actually been awake for a couple hours, so I’m having a great day.

 

[01:26:21] CHRIS: Now, if you’re looking for any garden suggestions, it’s recently come to my attention that you can put burlap in a shopping cart and grow stuff out of it.

 

[01:26:31] CALLER #38: Really? 

 

[01:26:32] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. 

 

[01:26:33] CALLER #38: I’ve never heard of that. 

 

[01:26:35] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. You get a shopping –  

 

[01:26:36] CALLER #38: We’ll have to look into that because we know literally nothing.

 

[01:26:38] CHRIS: Yeah. You line it with burlap. And then if you’re looking for stuff that’s easy to grow, I’ve heard that leafy greens – you know your salad greens, your lettuces, your arugulas – they basically grow themselves. Squash is very easy. And Mexican sunflowers, I hear are very stunning.

 

[01:26:53] CALLER #38: Mexican sunflowers. Excellent. Well, we are definitely looking to grow some vegetables. So this is excellent news. Also, how’s your day going?

 

[01:27:02] CHRIS: It’s really good. Mostly it’s just been this so far, playing with the boy, and now talking to you guys and gals and everyone else.

 

[01:27:10] CALLER #38: Yeah. Congratulations on your son. We saw you back in Atlanta. You were just talking about it with someone else, when your wife was so pregnant, about to deliver.

 

[01:27:20] CHRIS: It was a fun tour. Fun times, good memories. Thank you for the call. Good luck with the garden. Congrats on the house. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:27:28] CALLER #39: Chris.

 

[01:27:29] CHRIS: Yeah, what’s up? 

 

[01:27:31] CALLER #39: Absurd man. How’s it going, dude?

 

[01:27:33] CHRIS: It’s going great. Couldn’t be going better. Just a little thirsty. Outside of that, nailin’ it. What’s up with you?

 

[01:27:39] CALLER #39: Dude, not a lot, man. I’m skipping a work call to talk to you right now.

 

[01:27:44] CHRIS: Good! 

 

[01:27:45] CALLER #39: Dude, I told my colleague that my apartment complex had a break in. That was my excuse.

 

[01:27:57] CHRIS: [laughing] Not your apartment? The complex.

 

[01:28:00] CALLER #39: No, no, no. Because that would be too close to home, you know? Then he would be like, he wouldn’t, you know. Then he would be like, ‘oh, man, I hope you’re OK.’ But for this, it’s just like it’s passive trauma, you know?

 

[01:28:12] CHRIS: Now, can I tell you, I feel like they’re gonna maybe see through that story like someone later in the day is gonna be like, ‘so one of your neighbors had a break in and you had to bail on a call?’

 

[01:28:23] CALLER #39: Dude look, I’ll deal with the fallout later. All that matters is we’re here together, Gethard. Look, I’m a longtime fan man.

 

[01:28:29] CHRIS: Super nice. I just hope you don’t get fired so you could talk to me for two minutes.

 

[01:28:34] CALLER #39: It’s definitely possible, dude. We just laid off 10 percent of the company, so we’ll see what happens.

 

[01:28:38] CHRIS: I think you’re making a bad call right now dude.

 

[01:28:43] CALLER #39: [laughing] It’s all good, dude. It’s not that important. Look, before we go, can I read a poem on the line?

 

[01:28:49] CHRIS: Yeah. If it can fit in 35 seconds. 

 

[01:28:52] CALLER #39: It sure can dude. OK, it’s called All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace, by Richard Brautigan. I like to think of a cybernetic meadow where mammals and computers live together and mutually program in harmony like pure water touching clear sky. I like to think of a cybernetic forest filled with pines and electrodes, where deer stroll peacefully past computers as if they were flowers with spinning blossoms. I like to think of a cybernetic ecology where we are all three of our labors –

 

[01:29:26] CHRIS: And that is two minutes, I’m so sorry. The rest of us just have to look up how that ends. The rest of us will just have to look up on our own how that ends. I’m so sorry. That was actually a truly beautiful poem, but I knew it would be…I knew I’d get the laugh if I cut you off dude. Don’t get fired, please. Hello, next caller. Welcome to the show.

 

[01:29:43] CALLER #40: Hey, Chris, 

 

[01:29:43] CHRIS: Hi. How are you?

 

[01:29:45] CALLER #40: I’m doing pretty OK. How about yourself? Wait I already know how you’re doing, don’t answer that.

 

[01:29:49] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[01:29:50] CALLER #40: You’re thirsty.

 

[01:29:51] CHRIS: A little thirsty. And I’m also – I might be starting to lose my mind at this point. I’m not certain, but that’s okay.

 

[01:29:57] CALLER #40: That’s fair. Can I just throw out there that I’m a little bit butt hurt that the one time I got through was not for a 60 minute call.

 

[01:30:05] CHRIS: Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, you’ll get through some day because I don’t ever want to stop the show until every single person who wants to be a part of it gets a chance.

 

[01:30:16] CALLER #40: That is wonderful news. I can’t wait for that day. Hey, so I just got done with a three-hour long group conference via video chat for my intensive outpatient care for getting into a [inaudible] a couple months ago and my husband is currently in rehab. So that’s interesting. And I just turned 30 and yesterday I shaved my head.

 

[01:30:40] CHRIS: Well, it certainly sounds like we could have a hell of a 60 minute call some day. That’s a lot.

 

[01:30:47] CALLER #40: That’s what I’m saying. I’m ready for it.

 

[01:30:51] CHRIS: Yeah. You gotta get back through. I don’t even know where to begin. You threw so many things at me. I don’t even – in 45 seconds, I’m almost like it feels it would be rude to ask you a question because there’s so much to deal with.

 

[01:31:05] CALLER #40: [laughing] Yeah, alcoholism is a hell of a drug. But we’re getting there. 2019 was a hell of a year, 2020 is interesting.

 

[01:31:14] CHRIS: Yeah I tell you, me and the alcohol. We do not mix well. There’s very few people in my life I’m still in contact with who have seen me drunk because I’m so – it never went well. And it’s tough. It’s tough. Tough to walk away from. 

 

[01:31:30] CALLER #40: It sure is, but all for the best, right?

 

[01:31:33] CHRIS: Yes. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I look forward to talking to you again in the future. Thank you so much. Let’s get – I’ve now been informed – ladies and gentlemen, I have now been informed that we’ve been doing this for so long that Jared O’Connell actually has to step away for a meeting. But he’s trusting the rest of us to continue, carry the torch in his name. I feel like I’m starting to – you can hear it. I’m starting to unravel a little bit. My train of thought – I’m usually able to laser focus. And for most of today, I’ve been hanging on. And it’s just now all starting to – my brain’s starting to bump around against itself in a weird way. I don’t even know what that means. Let’s get to the next caller.

 

[01:32:15] CALLER #41: Hey!

 

[01:32:16] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:32:18] CALLER #41: Hello. I won’t ask you how you are because I know and I’m glad. I spent the morning doing a 1000 piece puzzle that I started yesterday and somehow finished today. And then my back hurt. And then I went for a walk and that helped. And it’s really nice out today.

 

[01:32:40] CHRIS: I tell you, when you have so little to do and you’re home as much as we are, all of a sudden you’re like, ‘puzzles were a thing…puzzles were a thing!’

 

[01:32:50] CALLER #41: This is my day one! I’m a nurse. So I thought I was essential until I found out on Wednesday that I wasn’t. So this is my day one of being home. So I’m like, okay, I did a 1000 piece puzzle. Now what?

 

[01:33:04] CHRIS: I thought all nurses were essential right now. Every nurse is essential everyday!

 

[01:33:10] CALLER #41: Yeah, not in a doctor’s office, apparently. 

 

[01:33:14] CHRIS: Wow.

 

[01:33:17] CALLER #41: Yes. So I was trying to do my part to support my friends that are still on the front lines.

 

[01:33:23] CHRIS: Yeah, absolutely. 

 

[01:33:24] CALLER #41: Reach out and say hey and how are you doing. And you know, because I feel like I know a little bit about what they’re going through so I can at least support them, so. 

 

[01:33:33] CHRIS: My buddy from – I threw in some money on a gofundme to send food to Elmhurst Hospital because that’s right in my neighborhood.

 

[01:33:41] CALLER #41: Oh, that’s so great. Yeah.

 

[01:33:44] CHRIS: What was the puzzle of, what was the picture?

 

[01:33:47] CALLER #41: The puzzle was of a, like a World Cup soccer game gone crazy. A coworker lent it to me like six years ago and I finally got around to doing it. 

 

[01:34:00] CHRIS: How satisfying when you got that final piece in. How satisfying was it? 

 

[01:34:04]  CALLER #41: Yeah. Oh, so good. So good. [laughing]

 

[01:34:08] CHRIS: All right. Well, thank you so much for helping other people. I know that nurses got it rough right now. And to all your coworkers, friends, compatriots, I speak on behalf of this entire community. We’re sending love your way. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:34:24] CALLER #42: Hey Geth, what’s up?

 

[01:34:26] CHRIS: Just mostly taking phone calls for people.

 

[01:34:29] CALLER #42: Yeah? Right, that’s good to hear. I’m just working from home right now. I’ve got two liters of water next to me. I suggest you get somebody to bring you some water. 

 

[01:34:38] CHRIS: Ohhh you’re killing me. That was so mean. 

 

[01:34:42] CALLER #42: I’m sorry. I just had to. 

 

[01:34:44] CHRIS: [laughing] Throwin’ your water in my face like a vaudeville routine.

 

[01:34:49] CALLER #42: Hey, you got to keep the homies hydrated, right?

 

[01:34:52] CHRIS: I have to. I can’t believe I forgot.

 

[01:34:54] CALLER #42: But after this call, I’m going to stop working for a little bit. Going to take a walk around my neighborhood to keep me sane and then go back to work, I guess.

 

[01:35:05] CHRIS: That sounds like a pretty good plan. I just thought about how I could take a walk, I should get some water and take a walk soon.

 

[01:35:13] CALLER #42: You should. After you’re done with all this, get hydrated and go for a walk.

 

[01:35:18] CHRIS: Yeah. That’s really good advice. What kind of work you doin’?

 

[01:35:23] CALLER #42: I’m a database administrator for a state court system. 

 

[01:35:27] CHRIS: A state court system, that sounds like the type of thing that if you mess it up, it’s big trouble.

 

[01:35:33] CALLER #42: It’s 100 percent the type of thing that if I mess it up, it’s big trouble. It’s kind of stressful. But I really like my job. I like my coworkers, and it’s a lot of fun.

 

[01:35:43] CHRIS: Wow, that’s some high pressure stuff. I can’t imagine. Because I imagine if the computer stuff starts slowing things down, these judges, they’re not hearing that.

 

[01:35:59] CALLER #42: They get real upset real quick.

 

[01:36:01] CHRIS: Yeah, these judges, they don’t have any time in the day.

 

[01:36:04] CALLER #42: Yeah. 100 percent that’s true. But they get used to it after a while.

 

[01:36:13] CHRIS: I guess we all do. There’s no way around it. Sometimes there’s technical difficulties. It happens.

 

[01:36:19] CALLER #42: Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and take what life gives you. What happened before computers?

 

[01:36:24] CHRIS: Beautiful words. 

 

[01:36:26] CALLER #42: They did court on paper. 

 

[01:36:27] CHRIS: Beautiful sentiments. Well done. Good luck. Thank you. Enjoy your walk, enjoy your water. All right. Next caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:36:37] CALLER #43: Hello? 

 

[01:36:38] CHRIS: Hello?

 

[01:36:40] CALLER #43: Holy fuck. No way. 

 

[01:36:43] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[01:36:44] CALLER #43: Sorry Sally. 

 

[01:36:45] CHRIS: That’s OK. 

 

[01:36:46] CALLER #43: Hi. 

 

[01:36:47] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:36:48] CALLER #43: Can you hear me all right?

 

[01:36:49] CHRIS: I can, though it sounds like you are wind. It sounds like you are the living human embodiment of wind. Are you someplace windy right now? Oh, that fixed all of it.

 

[01:36:57] CALLER #43: How about this, is it better? 

 

[01:36:58] CHRIS: Instantly 1000 times better. Instantly.

 

[01:37:02] CALLER #43: OK. All right. I’m on my way home from work. I’m super excited to see my hippopotamus ottoman that I got for free off of Facebook Marketplace yesterday.

 

[01:37:19] CHRIS: [laughing] Now, how did you procure the hippopotamus ottoman?

 

[01:37:23] CALLER #43: Fucking luck, apparently. ‘Cause I’m on this call now and this is a great week. I should buy a lottery ticket –  

 

[01:37:27] CHRIS: No, but I’m saying did you go and pick it up from someone? 

 

[01:37:30] CALLER #43: It was a little ways away for me. So my best friend went and picked it up in a trade off that I went out and got groceries for her.

 

[01:37:39] CHRIS: So your best friend – so we’re all – we’re not even supposed to talk about this today. We’re all supposed to be quarantined. And your best friend puts their life on the line so you can have a hippopotamus shaped ottoman.

 

[01:37:51] CALLER #43: She didn’t meet anybody. Somebody left it in their truck, it was free.

 

[01:37:56] CHRIS: Someone left a hippopotamus shaped ottoman randomly in the back of a truck. You went and got – someone went and got it for you and then you went and got them groceries. This is what our world is now.

 

[01:38:07] CALLER #43: And it’s also filled with yarn because I really love to crochet. So it’s like the happiest thing in the world for me right now.

 

[01:38:13] CHRIS: Initially, I was skeptical and a little bit concerned. I now could not be more into and supportive of the hippopotamus ottoman scenario.

 

[01:38:25] CALLER #43: It’s beautiful. It is now the second best thing that’s happened this week.

 

[01:38:30] CHRIS: All right. That’s very flattering. Thank you so much for the call. Enjoy crocheting. Enjoy your ottoman. All right, let’s keep it rolling. Next caller. Welcome to the show.

 

[01:38:40] CALLER #44: Hi. 

 

[01:38:40] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:38:42] CALLER #44: How are you? Holding up?

 

[01:38:44] CHRIS: Yeah. I tell you, I’m starting to slump down in my chair and lean to my right. And my ears are starting to really hurt from the headphones, but I’m going to keep going. Anyway, how are you?

 

[01:38:54] CALLER #44: I really, really want to talk to you. But would it help if I gave you my minutes so you can go get a glass of water?

 

[01:39:01] CHRIS: Honestly? You’re the kindest person I’ve ever spoken to. And because of that, there’s no way I’m going to waste your time. You still have a minute and a half. You earned it. That other guy’s telling me how he’s chugging two liters and then you’re here sacrificing for your boy.

 

[01:39:16] CALLER #44: I know, that was so mean!

 

[01:39:18] CHRIS: All right. So what’s up with you?

 

[01:39:21] CALLER #44: Oh, not so much. I am super busy with work, which is actually lucky ’cause it’s keeping me kind of focused while I’m at home. And it’s a beautiful day out, so I went for a walk at lunch. And I’m gonna go for a walk again when I can sign off from work in a little while. And I have a patio so I even sat outside to do work. So I’m having a perfectly OK day. I cannot complain.

 

[01:39:43] CHRIS: You are a very nice person having a pleasant day. I like to hear that.

 

[01:39:50] CALLER #44: I’m trying. I mean, you got to focus on the good stuff, right Chris?

 

[01:39:53] CHRIS: Have to, have to try. Have to try. Have to seek it out. Right now it’s hard, but we have to seek it out. Have to.

 

[01:40:00] CALLER #44: It’s super hard. But, you know, I’m finding little joys. I went to Trader Joe’s to stock up and they had fresh flowers and eucalyptus so my house smells nice, like eucalyptus. And I’m, you know, all things considered, I am in a really lucky spot so I can’t complain. I’m running out of seltzer water, which is too bad. But that’s OK.

 

[01:40:23] CHRIS: I really sympathize for you being out of seltzer water. And I’m over here, dehydrating by the second. It’s OK. It’s OK. You’re the best. You tried to correct the situation, I refused. Thank you so much for the call. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello, how are you?

 

[01:40:42] CALLER #45: Hi! I’m good. Hey, Chris. 

 

[01:40:44] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[01:40:45] CALLER #45: I just got back inside from walking my dog. Yeah, I just moved from North Carolina to New Mexico to live with my girlfriend during this time.

 

[01:40:57] CHRIS: Nice.

 

[01:40:59] CALLER #45: She’s right here.

 

[01:41:00] CALLER GF: Hello!

 

[01:41:00] CHRIS: Hi, how are you? Congrats on the co-habitation.

 

[01:41:06] CALLER GF: Thank you. Yeah, we were really worried because he has a dog and I have a cat. But then within an hour they were co-habitating. 

 

[01:41:16] CALLER #45: Yeah so all the people and animals are getting along well now.

 

[01:41:20] CHRIS: That must have felt like it was meant to be when the dog and cat clicked into place.

 

[01:41:24] CALLER #45: Yeah. There was a lot of nerves at the beginning of it. But then – 

 

[01:41:28] CALLER GF: I bought baby gates. [All laughing]

 

[01:41:34] CHRIS: I don’t know why that tickled me as much as it did, but it really did.

 

[01:41:40] CALLER #45: [laughing] But yea, so now we have to find –

 

[01:41:44] CHRIS: You have to find what? No, you have to find what?

 

[01:41:47] CALLER #45: I have to find new dog routes. I’ve been picking new routes in the neighborhood where to take my dog now.

 

[01:41:52] CHRIS: That’s smart. I was going to say, I’ve been through New Mexico a number of times and it strikes me as having its own unique culture in a way that I don’t think people talk about as much as they should.

 

[01:42:05] CALLER #45: Yeah, we’re both not from around here, so we’re –

 

[01:42:09] CALLER GF: Yeah, I just moved here in January, so everything’s very new.

 

[01:42:13] CHRIS: Yeah. They do things their own way in New Mexico. But I really like the vibe. I like that tortilla soup. 

 

[01:42:19] CALLER #45: Yeah.

 

[01:42:19] CHRIS: And the sopapillas! And the sopapillas with the honey on ’em.

 

[01:42:24] CALLER #45: Yeah. You can get sopapillas anywhere. Yeah, at the farmers’ market.

 

[01:42:26] CHRIS: Oh, I would – 

 

[01:42:28] CALLER GF: And then you know how to make homemade ones.

 

[01:42:30] CHRIS: Oh, I would murder someone for a sopapilla right now man, I’m so hungry. All right. Thank you for the call. Really, so happy that you guys are living together. If you guys don’t know, a sopapilla in the southwest United States, it’s not really a donut, but it’s in that family and it’s flaky. It’s kind of like a zeppole, if you know what that is, but not as thick and filling. They put honey on it. It’s so good. All right, next – I’m hungry and thirsty. I’m crappin’ out. OK. Next caller. Hi.

 

[01:43:03] CALLER #46: No, no effing way. Sorry Sally.

 

[01:43:04] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. No, I’m here for you. You didn’t even say it. You don’t have anything to apologize for. Hi yeah, hi.

 

[01:43:11] CALLER #46: [laughing] Now I don’t know what to do.

 

[01:43:13] CHRIS: Well, you just do whatever you want because I’m starting to descend into madness. So you just follow your gut and I’ll be right there with you.

 

[01:43:22] CALLER #46: Well, you have me wishing I could have a sopapilla, but I don’t know if I should do my impression of you or if I should tell you a sad story. That’s what I’ve been struggling to decide this whole time.

 

[01:43:32] CHRIS: Let’s do a quick impression and then sad story.

 

[01:43:36] CALLER #46: OK. This is a very niche party trick. And I’m on the spot right now so it might not be good. [starts impression]: Mhmm, mhmm, yeah (cackling laugh). That’s my impression of you. It wasn’t good. I’m really nervous. 

 

[01:43:52] CHRIS: [laughing] You got one minute. What’s the sad story?

 

[01:43:55] CALLER #46: That’s your laugh! I always do it good when I do it in the car.

 

[01:43:59] CHRIS: What’s the sad story? You got a minute!

 

[01:44:02] CALLER #46: Oh, no. OK. So three weeks ago today, my cousin died. 

 

[01:44:06] CHRIS: Oh, I’m sorry.

 

[01:44:08] CALLER #46: Thank you. He was 27 –

 

[01:44:10] CHRIS: I just went from laughing so hard to being so sad.

 

[01:44:14] CALLER #46: That’s why I love Beautiful Anonymous, though, man. That’s what it is.

 

[01:44:18] CHRIS: I’m sorry, that sucks. I lost a cousin when he was 21 and it sucked bad.

 

[01:44:25] CALLER #46: It sucks. And I’m from a big Italian family and we’re all best friends. And, you know, I’m from New Jersey too, ayo Garden State.

 

[01:44:36] CHRIS: Yeah, I could tell.

 

[01:44:38] CALLER #46: [laughing] We have a big, you know, a big heroin problem here. And that’s how he died. And, you know, he was probably the best and kindest person I knew and he wanted to be better so bad. So I guess I’m taking this minute that I have to say that if you are struggling, ask for help. Ask somebody. Try. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, but you will be so missed. And you are important. And I want that to be heard by somebody.

 

[01:45:11] CHRIS: I am with you. Much love to you and your family in these trying times. And you’re right. Jersey, it all comes into Port Elizabeth is what I hear. I’ve lost a few friends to it. Some to death and some because their whole lives got rearranged, wrecked and now they’re not here in my life, it’s wild, man. Horrible. I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin. Let’s go ahead. Keep the ball rolling. We have so many stories to share. Next caller. Hello.

 

[01:45:43] CALLER #47: Hey, how’s it going?

 

[01:45:45] CHRIS: I’m sitting up straight again. I’m starting to feel like my face is going a little numb and my ears are burning from having headphones on this long, but that’s OK, ’cause I – 

 

[01:45:58] CALLER #47: Oh man, how long has it been? 

 

[01:45:59] CHRIS: Let’s go ahead and check the recording. We’ve been doing this for one hour and forty-nine minutes. That’s a long time. 

 

[01:46:07] CALLER #47: Yeah, your ears would start to hurt at that point. Definitely. 

 

[01:46:10] CHRIS: I’m gonna get to at least two hours. Well, what’s up with you?

 

[01:46:14] CALLER #47: Well, first of all, I want to say I’m sorry to hear about that last caller’s cousin, that’s awful and thank you. And actually, to her point, I just signed up for therapy for the first time ever today. So I’m really excited to get started with that. And I can say that you are probably the biggest influence in that decision.

 

[01:46:39] CHRIS: Well, I’m very flattered. Happy to hear that. I don’t take that responsibility lightly. And if I can just tell you a couple things. Therapy is weird and it’s not always comfortable, especially in the early days. But I just beg of you to stick with it. And if the doctor is not a good fit, find another doctor. Because it’s been such a beautiful thing in my life and I hope it can be for you as well.

 

[01:47:01] CALLER #47: Will do, will do for sure. I love Beautiful Anonymous and I’m still working my way through the back catalog, so I don’t – I’m not up to date on anything. But I think my last episode, actually, the last episode I listened to was the swingers episode so that was fun. I’m a little far behind. 

 

[01:47:16] CHRIS: Oh, yeah. I wonder how those guys are doing.

 

[01:47:26] CALLER #47: Yeah I don’t know. And I want to know like, I’m so curious about like their family dynamic and how their children are and if they have any kind of inclination as to what their parents do.

 

[01:47:38] CHRIS: Who knows? So many questions that I never get a chance to ask. Thank you so much. 

 

[01:47:41] CALLER #47: I know, I know. 

 

[01:47:42] CHRIS: That was a beautiful two minutes.

 

[01:47:44] CALLER #47: Thank you. 

 

[01:47:45] CHRIS: Let’s go ahead. Right now I’m checking in on it and we’ve had, we’re coming up on 18,000 call attempts today. Thank you everyone who keeps calling and trying. We’re gonna try and keep this ball rolling even though you can hear I am losing energy by the second. Hello, caller. How are you?

 

[01:48:04] CALLER #48: Hi. How are you?

 

[01:48:06] CHRIS: I’m entering a mental state that’s hard to describe. Anyway, what’s up? 

 

[01:48:13] CALLER #48: I’m sorry. I really appreciate what you’re doing.

 

[01:48:18] CHRIS: I’m loving it. I’m loving that I get to do it. Have you and I spoken before? 

 

[01:48:22] CALLER #48: Yes. 

 

[01:48:22] CHRIS: Yeah. I recognize your voice.

 

[01:48:26] CALLER #48: Yeah, so I’m just calling to see if someone could make me laugh today.

 

[01:48:33] CHRIS: OK. Is that a challenge to me personally? 

 

[01:48:36] CALLER #48: Yes. Make me laugh. 

 

[01:48:38] CHRIS: OK. I don’t know if I talked about this yet in the time that I’ve been in the home where we’re riding things out. But have I – have you heard about how my son recently took a shit in the bath tub?

 

[01:48:49] CALLER #48: I think I have, but I don’t know.

 

[01:48:51] CHRIS: Oh wow, OK that didn’t get the laugh I was hoping that would. [Caller laughs] OK. So my inability, my inadequacy and inability to get a laugh did get a laugh. I like that. Let’s see…what else. My son, when he doesn’t like food, when he’s done eating, the thing he does is he spits it all over my face, literally looks me in the eye and spits food at me. And I just have to take it. Just have to take it like a chump.

 

[01:49:27] CALLER #48: [laughing] I’m going to start doing that to people. 

 

[01:49:30] CHRIS: Spitting food at them? 

 

[01:49:32] CALLER #48: Yes. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder and sometimes people threatened to force feed me.

 

[01:49:41] CHRIS: Oh no, fuck that.

 

[01:49:42] CALLER #48: So I’m just going to start spitting food at them. I’m in a bad environment right now. But yeah, I’m getting better.

 

[01:49:50] CHRIS: Well look, ten seconds left. I hope that the environment gets better and I hope that you’re doing good and it’s good to talk to you again. 

 

[01:50:00] CALLER #48: Thank you. Bye. 

 

[01:50:01] CHRIS: Bye. Hope I gave you the laugh that you need because that started to sound a little serious at the end. Next caller, welcome to the show. Hi.

 

[01:50:13] CALLER #49: Hi.

 

[01:50:16] CHRIS: What’s up? 

 

[01:50:17] CALLER #49: Is this me? Am I on? 

 

[01:50:18] CHRIS: Yeah yeah yeah you’re on. 

 

[01:50:21] CALLER #49: Oh, OK. Sorry.

 

[01:50:22] CHRIS: No, no, no. No apologies. 

 

[01:50:23] CALLER #49: How’s it going, Chris? 

 

[01:50:25] CHRIS: It’s getting weird. It’s getting weird. My hands are starting to tingle, but I’m I’m loving it. I’m loving everybody’s stories.

 

[01:50:32] CALLER #49: All right. Well, hopefully your hands stop tingling. I finished Lose Well yesterday.

 

[01:50:38] CHRIS: Oh, nice. Thanks for reading it.

 

[01:50:40] CALLER #49: Yeah. I loved it. It was great. I bought it. And then I did the thing where I put it on the shelf and then never read it. And then I went through a bad breakup recently. And now I’m stuck in a house with my parents after I escaped Chicago. And I read it and it was great.

 

[01:50:56] CHRIS: That’s good. It’s good. You know, when people have to sit in their houses for weeks at a time and are not allowed to leave, that’s when they tend to find my work.

 

[01:51:05] CALLER #49: Well, it’s a time for somebody. I’ve actually met you twice. And I think I scared you the first time I met you.

 

[01:51:14] CHRIS: How so? 

 

[01:51:17] CALLER #49: So me and my brother, 6’5″ and 6’6″. And you were performing at the Kennedy Center?

 

[01:51:23] CHRIS: Yes. 

 

[01:51:24] CALLER #49: Like two years ago. 

 

[01:51:25] CHRIS: I remember.

 

[01:51:26] CALLER #49: And we were sitting on a bench. And when you were passing, me and my brother just both stood up at you and you looked very scared and I felt bad about that for so long.

 

[01:51:40] CHRIS: It’s okay. 

 

[01:51:40] CALLER #49: I just wanted to apologize.

 

[01:51:42] CHRIS: No need to apologize. Just remember next time that I’m a small man and you’re two giants.

 

[01:51:47] CALLER #49: Yeah, we are two giants. And then I met you when you came to Richmond in October.

 

[01:51:54] CHRIS: That was a weird show, man.

 

[01:51:58] CALLER #49: I had a good time. Granted, I was baked out of my mind. 

 

[01:52:02] CHRIS: It was a good time –

 

[01:52:03] CALLER #49: But me and my girlfriend –

 

[01:52:04] CHRIS: – I think I was in the wrong venue. I think it was the wrong venue. I think there were better – I didn’t know what I was getting into and I have a feeling there were much better venues for me in Richmond, Virginia. That’s my guess.

 

[01:52:14] CALLER #49: Oh, 100 percent. They put you in like an auxiliary gym it felt like. 

 

[01:52:18] CHRIS: It was weird, man. And then I’m walking around the town and more people recognize me in RIchmond than anywhere else I’ve ever been in my life. And I’m like, I’m famous in Richmond! Why didn’t they put me in a music club, it would have sold out instantly. Anyway, now that’s just sour grapes. It was great to talk to you. No worries on the time you scared me. I’m glad you enjoyed the show. Comedy – I think my comedy is, my stories are long and hard to follow when you’re baked, but I’m glad you enjoyed it anyway. Okay. I’m now rambling. Next caller. Welcome to the show.

 

[01:52:46] CALLER #49: You’re my Morothy! Love you. Bye! 

 

[01:52:48] CHRIS: Wow, I didn’t know you’re still on the line! 

 

[01:52:51] CALLER #49: You’re my Morothy. That’s it. Love you, bye! 

 

[01:52:52] CHRIS: You’re still on the line! How are you still on the line?

 

[01:52:56] CALLER #49: I fucking broke the system, man.

 

[01:52:58] CHRIS: Everything is weird right now. What’s going on? What’s going on now? What’s happening?

 

[01:53:06] CALLER #49: I don’t know. Do I keep going?

 

[01:53:09] CHRIS: I don’t know. Anita’s typing to me that she’s disconnected and I have to do it myself right now. I’m now truly walking through the valley. I’m now on the hero’s journey walking through the valley. Goodbye. Goodbye, OK I’m just –

 

[01:53:21] CALLER #49: And here I am, the giant, bye. 

 

[01:53:23] CHRIS: The giant, scaring me once again. I’m now – so everybody listening knows, we’ve now turned a corner where I am now not only doing this two hours in, but I’m physically now the one pushing the buttons, pushing the calls through which for the last two hours has not been the case. Okay. We’ll see. Okay. Hello. Hi.

 

[01:53:39] CALLER #50: Hey, Chris. What’s up, man? Listen, dude, I know that you’ve been through it a lot but we have spoken before. I am the king of silver linings.

 

[01:53:49] CHRIS: Oh, good to talk to you again.

 

[01:53:51] CALLER #50: Yeah, man. You’ll have to go back. I don’t remember what number it was, but nonetheless, I was the guy who went to find a pickup truck to get engaged to my girlfriend and it failed miserably.

 

[01:54:03] CHRIS: Yes, yes, I remember. Yes. How you doing?

 

[01:54:08] CALLER #50: I am happy to report that I did not get engaged to her and we broke up six months ago.

 

[01:54:13] CHRIS: Okay. 

 

[01:54:15] CALLER #50: It’s been literally fantastic. And I truly, truly miss her because she was a wonderful person. But my life, in the midst of this shit that’s going on. Sorry Sally. I lost my job.

 

[01:54:28] CHRIS: Sorry. 

 

[01:54:28] CALLER #50: It’s fucking great. 

 

[01:54:30] CHRIS: So you’re feeling good about life? Life has a lot of sunshine and fresh air in it now.

 

[01:54:35] CALLER #50: Dude, I love it, man. It’s totally fine. You know, I’m in the music business, so I’ve been unemployed since January anyway. So just kind of there’s hope, man. There is hope coming regardless of everybody’s situation. I believe it.

 

[01:54:50] CHRIS: Now, if there’s one person I needed to hear from right now in this era of my life, it is the king of silver linings.

 

[01:54:56] CALLER #50: Keep on talking, Chris. Proud of you. Thanks for looking out for us.

 

[01:55:00] CHRIS: Hey, doing my best. Happy to provide some sort of distraction. And very sorry to hear about the breakup, but happy to hear that you’re feeling good on the other side of it.

 

[01:55:11] CALLER #50: It feels better. Everyday is getting better and better and better, man. 

 

[01:55:15] CHRIS: Now you have 20 seconds left. 

 

[01:55:17] CALLER #50: That’s it. Have a great day. Have a great COVID. Hopefully we’ll get out of here soon. Thanks, buddy.

 

[01:55:22] CHRIS: [laughing] ‘Have a great COVID’ words that are rarely said, but from that guy, I buy it. Okay. I’m doing the calls myself, patching the next one through. I think I did it right. Hello. Welcome to the show.

 

[01:55:33] CALLER #51: Hello? 

 

[01:55:33] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:55:35] CALLER #51: Hi. Wow man, this is so crazy. I never thought it was going to be so crazy when you answered the phone. Hi. I’m calling from Canada. It’s beautiful out. Everybody’s stuck inside their homes, but the sun’s out and it’s gonna be OK. Also, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been listening to you from literally your first episode. My favorite was the guy, the Jewish guy who I think was your number three call. I would love to hear back from that guy if you ever did Beautiful Follow-ups. And the first date people that were stranded on the island, if you ever do Beautiful Follow-ups. Man, it would be so cool to hear from those guys. How are you? 

 

[01:56:11] CHRIS: I’m good. I’m good. I mean, this is, I feel like I’m drowning in calls, but in a really beautiful and wonderful way. And I’m hamming it up for the fun of that but I am currently tugging on my hair. I just noticed that as you asked me that.

 

[01:56:23] CALLER #51: Well, that’s probably – don’t tug your hair, rub your cheeks. No, don’t touch your face. Don’t touch your face! Oh, my God. Terrible advice. [Chris laughing] Oh, I should know better. 

 

[01:56:35] CHRIS: That’s where we’re at in society – ‘don’t touch your face, don’t touch your face!’

 

[01:56:39] CALLER #51: Wash your hands a lot. Assume that everybody’s – sorry, I know you don’t wanna talk about COVID. Want to talk about anything else?

 

[01:56:44] CHRIS: Whatever. Whatever you want. 

 

[01:56:45] CALLER #51: Ask me about Canada. Ask me about western Canada.

 

[01:56:49] CHRIS: Western Canada, is that Calgary? Is that the Stampede?

 

[01:56:52] CALLER #51: Yes. Yes! Which is potentially going to be canceled this year, which is a catastrophe for this city, obviously.

 

[01:57:00] CHRIS: Yeah. Because that’s a city – that’s a huge point of the tourism that surrounds it right?

 

[01:57:05] CALLER #51: Yeah, it is. It’s a 10 day event. We say 10 days. It’s usually sort of about a month. You know, bookending. But yeah, it’s essentially going to be canceled. But, you never know. The government here, the provincial government has put a moratorium on any gathering. So public events, until the end of June. And it’s possible that they’ve done that because they hope that Stampede can go ahead. But the border’s still probably going to be closed because you guys are having a bit of an issue. So who knows?

 

[01:57:30] CHRIS: Mmm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, I hope it happens. Thank you so much for the call. 

 

[01:57:35] CALLER #51: You should come up.

 

[01:57:36] CHRIS: Everything’s getting cancelled. I should come up. The Calgary Stampede, Beautiful Cononymous. All sorts of stuff. The NCAA tournament. My Seton Hall Pirates who I think in my gut were going to win it this year. Anyway, keeping it going even though Jared’s gone, Anita’s gone. I don’t know who’s with me. I don’t know if Jordyn’s still listening. Hello caller, welcome to the show.

 

[01:57:57] CALLER #52: Hello? 

 

[01:57:58] CHRIS: Hi. 

 

[01:57:58] CALLER #52: Oh, my God. 

 

[0:58:01] CHRIS: It’s good to talk to you.

 

[01:58:01] CALLER #52: OK. No, I’m not going to fangirl. OK, ok. Chris, you’re a beautiful human being with the most beautiful heart. I want you to just take a deep breath in. [Chris breathes in] And let’s do a deep breath out. [Chris breathes out] And just let it all go. How are you? How are you feeling now? I know it’s stressful and you’re tired and you’ve got the [inaudible]

 

[01:58:30] CHRIS: No, it’s a joy. And those deep breaths helped. I’m back 100 percent. Because you went ahead and revitalized me. Thank you for that.

 

[01:58:38] CALLER #52: I’m so glad to hear that. I work in the medical field and I have a psychology major. And it’s just, this is such a critical time to just you know, just really, really take a step back and just keep breathing. You know, go outside, look at the sun and like. Yeah. It’s a shit storm, but we’re gonna get through it.

 

[01:59:06] CHRIS: We are. And you know what you do? You get to be with your families right now. You get to be with yourself right now. And we don’t always take the time to just kind of be alone with ourselves. So maybe a lot of us are going to walk away from this with a new perspective on what’s important.

 

[01:59:20] CALLER #52: I hope so, too. I mean, I don’t want to brag, but like, let’s talk about, you know, beautiful things happening amongst everything. I just got married to –

 

[01:59:31] CHRIS: Heyyyy, nice! 

 

[01:59:32] CALLER #52: – the love of my life. He’s from Canada. He’s from the Ontario or the Toronto region. So I was happy to hear that there was a Canadian before me. But yeah, we just you know, we thought we were going to have more time. But, you know, we decided to elope and we’ve been so happy since.

 

[01:59:54] CHRIS: Congratulations. So happy to hear that. Continued joy and love in your life. Let’s go ahead and get to our next caller. We’re going to see how long this system holds up. Hello. Welcome to the show.

 

[02:00:08] CALLER #53: Hey, Geth, how you doing? 

 

[02:00:10] CHRIS: I’m bouncing back. I mean, I’m swaying back and forth and I’m really cold. But outside of that, doing great.

 

[02:00:16] CALLER #53: That’s good to hear, man.

 

[02:00:17] CHRIS: Yeah yeah yeah. What’s up? What do you want to talk about?

 

[02:00:21] CALLER #53: Well, I always hear you diss DC Comics and it always just bothers me.

 

[02:00:26] CHRIS: Really? Because Marvel rules. 

 

[02:00:28] CALLER #53: Yeah. 

 

[02:00:29] CHRIS: You want to fight for the two minutes? 

 

[02:00:29] CALLER #53: No, I mean, Marvel’s the real deal. No I mean, Marvel’s good too. But just to be like…to call yourself a nerd and to be like, oh I don’t like this one…this other major stuff that is like, you know, it’s not really being a nerd. It’s just a Marvel fanboy.

 

[02:00:46] CHRIS: Wow. So I’m a fanboy now.

 

[02:00:49] CALLER #53: I mean, I love you man, but – 

 

[02:00:52] CHRIS: Now I love you, too. Do you want my response? Do you want my response?

 

[02:00:56] CALLER #53: Yes. Yeah.

 

[02:00:58] CHRIS: OK, I get what you’re saying. But how do you justify the fact that DC Comics are sort of just like boring? 

 

[02:01:06] CALLER #53: I mean, they’re really not though. There’s plenty of great stories out there. 

 

[02:01:10] CHRIS: Outside of The Dark Knight Returns, Watchmen and maybe Kingdom Come, which I slightly enjoyed, what are we talking?

 

[02:01:19] CALLER #53: Well, have you – you like Grant Morrison at all?

 

[02:01:22] CHRIS: Yeah. Grant Morrison’s a great writer.

 

[02:01:25] CALLER #53: He did an alien run that I think you would really like actually.

 

[02:01:27] CHRIS: I have heard that’s good, but I haven’t checked it out.

 

[02:01:30] CALLER #53: No, it’s awesome. And then I mean, it’s just you just have to go by writers. You don’t like – that’s how I always look at it. If like Brian Kavon’s writing something. I don’t care if it’s for DC, for Marvel, for Image. I have to pick it up because he’s the best. It just varies via writer, not company.

 

[02:01:50] CHRIS: Yeah. I mean, I guess I see your point on that. And I’m a little ridiculous with my anti DC status. But I also don’t want to read about some guy named Guy Gardner.

 

[02:02:01] CALLER #53: [laughing] But I mean, Marvel just made a character named Safe Space and Snowflake.

 

[02:02:06] CHRIS: What? Where? Who did that?

 

[02:02:10] CALLER #53: They’re gonna be on the New Warriors.

 

[02:02:12] CHRIS: Oh, well the New Warriors has always been a gang of real fringe weirdos anyway. That was my brother’s favorite comic book growing up.

 

[02:02:18] CALLER #53: That’s one of the ones I read a lot growing up too, ’cause they had Nova.

 

[02:02:22] CHRIS: Yeah, Nova, Night Thresher. Marvel Boy. Firestart. Speedball. Rage. All right. Thanks so much. That’s two minutes. Thanks so much for calling. We’re gonna go ahead. We’re gonna keep these calls poppin’ off. Let’s go to our next caller. Hello, how are you? [Long pause] Hello? You there? I really hope somebody didn’t sit on the line for two hours and fifteen minutes. Oh no, that’s me. Oh, wait, that’s me. Wait, how do I – did I get another person through? Did I just mess up? This may just end with me accidentally hanging up on myself. Hello? Is someone on the line?

 

[02:03:05] CALLER #54: Hello? 

 

[02:03:06] CHRIS: Hi. How are you? 

 

[02:03:07] CALLER #54: Good. How are you? 

 

[02:03:09] CHRIS: Good.

 

[02:03:11] CALLER #54: I’m like really surprised that you actually answered. [laughing]

 

[02:03:14] CHRIS: Yeah. I’m very happy to talk to you.

 

[02:03:16] CALLER #54: I just wanted – yeah you too! I just wanted to send you a bunch of well wishes. I was talking to my mom earlier and she was talking to my uncle and she was like, ‘yeah, out of everyone you’re handling this the best.’ And I’m like, ‘well I spent my entire childhood in a hospital so I’m used to going stir crazy’. I’ve had two kidney transplants. I’m fine. I’m very healthy now that I’m older. 

 

[02:03:46] CHRIS: Oh no. How old are you?

 

[02:03:47] CALLER #54: Twenty-three. 

 

[02:03:49] CHRIS: Two kidney transplants and you’re 23? 

 

[02:03:52] CALLER #54: Yeah. 

 

[02:03:53] CHRIS: Scary stuff.

 

[02:03:53] CALLER #54: I’ve lived a weird life. 

 

[02:03:55] CHRIS: Yeah, sounds like it. 

 

[02:03:56] CALLER #54: Yeah. You know, I am very positive from all of that crap I’ve gone through.

 

[02:04:03] CHRIS: Yeah.

 

[02:04:04] CALLER #54: I like the show and everything you’re doing for like mental health and stuff like that. I really enjoy it. Yeah.

 

[02:04:13] CHRIS: I do my best. How old were you?

 

[02:04:16] CALLER #54: My first one I was two years old and then my second one, my anniversary, my kidney-versary is actually tomorrow and it’s been four years.

 

[02:04:28] CHRIS: Damn. 

 

[02:04:29] CALLER #54: Which is crazy. It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago.

 

[02:04:30] CHRIS: I’m glad you’re okay.

 

[02:04:33] CALLER #54: Yeah, I’m good! I’m hiding out because of all this stuff. I actually went back to my parents’ house and been hanging out with my dogs and kinda like figuring out my life.

 

[02:04:46] CHRIS: Yeah. Well stay safe!

 

[02:04:47] CALLER #54: Which, you know in general I have it figured out. 

 

[02:04:50] CHRIS: Listen, I know when you’re immunocompromised, this stuff is even scarier and I imagine you’re in that lot. So just stay safe and healthy. And I’m sending love your way.

 

[02:05:00] CALLER #54: Thank you so much.

 

[02:05:02] CHRIS: Pleased. Pleasure to talk to you. Whoops. Cut you off at an awkward time. Sorry about that. We’re gonna keep it goin’ baby. I don’t know how long I’ve got in me. Hello, caller. Welcome to the show.

 

[02:05:14] CALLER #55: Hello.

 

[02:05:16] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[02:05:17] CALLER #55: Am I on? 

 

[02:05:17] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, you’re on. 

 

[02:05:19] CALLER #55: OK, cool. Hey, what’s up? You’re just doing a thing.

 

[02:05:26] CHRIS: Yeah, you get it, you get it. [Chris and Caller laughing]

 

[02:05:31] CALLER #55: So we’ve talked before. This is “Chill with Justifiable Rage”.

 

[02:05:35] CHRIS: Oh, how you feeling? 

 

[02:05:36] CALLER #55: Feeling more enraged. 

 

[02:05:37] CHRIS: Really? Less chill, more rage. 

 

[02:05:40] CALLER #55: [laughing] I’m great. A lot more rage. I’m eating a vegan burrito.

 

[02:05:47] CHRIS: Nice. 

 

[02:05:48] CALLER #55: And playing Settlers of Catan.

 

[02:05:51] CHRIS: That sounds like a real nerdy time. 

 

[02:05:53] CALLER #55: Have you ever played?

 

[02:05:54] CHRIS: I haven’t. Although I’ve been told many times that it would be something right up my alley. 

 

[02:06:02] CALLER #55: It’s so good. 

 

[02:06:03] CHRIS: Don’t you have to like barter for wheat?

 

[02:06:05] CALLER #55: Yeah. Wheat, sheep, ore, and wood and brick. 

 

[02:06:13] CHRIS: Wood and brick. 

 

[02:06:14] CALLER #55: They basically use those to like build an empire. It’s kind of like – it’s like a cross between Monopoly and Risk.

 

[02:06:23] CHRIS: Now, what are you playing online? 

 

[02:06:26] CALLER #55: Mm-hmm, yeah.

 

[02:06:29] CHRIS: That sounds pretty good. 

 

[02:06:33] CALLER #55: Yeah. I use this portal called – I don’t know if that’s the right word portal – called Switch. Not Switch, the other one – 

 

[02:06:41] CHRIS: Twitch. 

 

[02:06:42] CALLER #55: Steam.

 

[02:06:44] CHRIS: Steam. And what’s in the burrito? You got any corn in there?

 

[02:06:48] CALLER #55: What’s that? Oh, in the burrito? I got rice, some Satan meat. 

 

[02:06:54] CHRIS: I think it’s Say-tan. Say-tan, right? 

 

[02:06:57] CALLER #55: I know. I know. [laughing] But I wanted to say Satan. And it’s left over, so some soggy ass lettuce.

 

[02:07:05] CHRIS: Well, that’s your two minutes. This was by far one of my favorite calls. [laughing] Thank you so much. It was really fun. Heard about Settlers of Catan and a burrito. Let’s keep it popping. Hello. Hi. Welcome to the show. Hi. Yes, it’s you.

 

[02:07:19] CALLER #56: Hi. Thank you so much. So I know you said not to talk about coronavirus too much. But just wanted to check-in, like how’s your family doing? How are you holding up right now?

 

[02:07:28] CHRIS: We’re safe. We’re healthy. I’m very bored. I’m also psychologically it’s really tough for me because I purchased a home and I can’t move into it now. And I totally understand why my building doesn’t want movers, but I’m hoping that we can find like a safe, sensible way to get a move done because it’s wearing on me a little bit. That’s the honest answer. Now, how are you holding up? 

 

[02:07:51] CALLER #56: I’m sorry about that.

 

[02:07:52] CHRIS: Oh, that’s OK. If that’s my biggest problem, I am good. Yeah, you go for it. 

 

[02:07:57] CALLER #56: Yeah, I hear you. I’m pretty good. I’m looking for stuff to do. I miss my best friend, she lives across the country from me right now. But actually funny story. I’m here with my twin sister and you might remember someone called a couple of minutes ago and said they’re the youngest caller. So that was her. And I’m a little older. So I’m not your youngest caller, but I am fifteen. I’m also in high school, so yeah, just kind of hanging out. Looking to get back definitely.

 

[02:08:25] CHRIS: So wait, you’re the other 15-year-old’s twin sister, but you were born first so you’re not the youngest caller?

 

[02:08:30] CALLER #56: Yeah. I’m one minute older. Sorry we’re on a walk. We’re identical twins, she wants to say hi real quick.

 

[02:08:36] CALLER #56 TWIN: Hi Geth! What’s up?

 

[02:08:37] CHRIS: Hey, good to talk to you again.

 

[02:08:39] CALLER #56: What did he say, sorry? 

 

[02:08:40] CALLER #56 TWIN: Good to talk to you again.

 

[02:08:41] CHRIS: Good to talk to you again. Now, how do you feel about being 15 in 2020? Is it easy? Is it hard?

 

[02:08:49] CALLER #56: I don’t know, it’s hard to keep things in perspective with this being the first big thing I’ve lived through. But, you know, I can’t complain. You know?

 

[02:08:59] CHRIS: Yeah, it’s tough. I remember being 15 and being very mixed-up, but I also look back and realize that times were pretty good.

 

[02:09:07] CALLER #56: Yeah. Any advice?

 

[02:09:09] CHRIS: Just enjoy the good times while they’re happening. Don’t let the bad times dominate because you’ll look back and realize there were some really amazing times happening as well. It’s so easy to dwell on the bad when they’re happening, but let yourself remember that these are good days and you don’t want to just look back on that. You want to know that that’s the truth when it’s happening so allow yourself to. Your two minutes is up, really good talking to you. Great twins. Great twins there. Our youngest callers ever, I do believe. All right. Let’s keep it going. Even I am not sure why I’m still doing this. Hello. Welcome to the show.

 

[02:09:45] CALLER #57: Hey, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing OK.

 

[02:09:48] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. How are you?

 

[02:09:50] CALLER #57: I’m hanging in. I’m all right. It’s been a weird, stressful time, for sure. Definitely. I’m an actor, so it’s been a little tough.

 

[02:10:00] CHRIS: Yeah, they just stopped everything in its tracks. 

 

[02:10:03] CALLER #57: Yeah, I know it’s crazy, dude. But like the week before this all started, I was applying to like internships at theater jobs in the city. And I feel like that was a really bad time. So right now I’m kind of just like hanging on, hanging on to hope. Luckily, I’m safe. I’m with family and they’re all safe, too. But I’m trying to be extra careful around them just because they’re old and immunocompromised. So that’s also a source of anxiety, for sure. 

 

[02:10:30] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

 

[02:10:31] CALLER #57: But yeah, I mean, I’m still very lucky to be here and be doing OK. And with people that I care about, you know?

 

[02:10:39] CHRIS: So what do you want to be a stage actor? TV? Film? What’s the goal?

 

[02:10:45] CALLER #57: Long run is film and TV. But I really would love to start off with stage.

 

[02:10:51] CHRIS: Oh, yeah. 

 

[02:10:51] CALLER #57: I think that’d be really great for me. 

 

[02:10:53] CHRIS: You want to be one of those guys who shows up in a thing and people are like, ‘oh, I saw them off Broadway and it was awesome.’

 

[02:11:00] CALLER #57: Yeah, I would love to be like that. I think that’d be really great. I think that like a character actor, like Harry Dean Stanton or Philip Seymour Hoffman or like – like people like that. I think that’s like the perfect career trajectory. And that’s what I’m aiming for. I think that’s the goal.

 

[02:11:18] CHRIS: Well, I wish you luck. As you know, it takes a lot of talent, a lot of perseverance and some luck mixed in there. But if you keep your head on straight and you don’t quit, it can work out no matter how long it takes. [long pause] Oh did he hang up? He hung up before I said all that cool stuff. Hmm. All right, I think I got a few more. I’m gonna check how long I’ve been doing. Oh, Anita’s back, Anita’s patching through the calls now. 

 

[02:11:49] CALLER #58: Hi, Chris. 

 

[02:11:50] CHRIS: Oh, hi. How are you? Hi. Hi. Hi.

 

[02:11:53] CALLER #58: Hi. I’m good. I have a quick story if you’re open to it.

 

[02:11:57] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

 

[02:11:59] CALLER #58: Yes. So when I was in middle school, my family completely remodeled our house and put everything into storage. And when we brought things out of storage a few years later, there was definitely some stuff missing. We only had a few pieces to this like, dining table that we got from my grandparents and my entire turtle collection was missing. And a few weeks ago, my sister got a call from one of her friends who works in property development. And we have a really unique last name. And the friend was like, ‘hey, do you have any relation to X person?’ And my sister said, ‘yeah, that’s my dad.’ And she said, ‘this property we’re about to develop has a bunch of abandoned storage units on it. And I think one of them belongs to your family.’ And so we found all that missing stuff.

 

[02:12:50] CHRIS: How many years later?

 

[02:12:52] CALLER #58: I was probably 12 or 13 and I’m 30 years old now.

 

[02:12:57] CHRIS: So you finally got that turtle collection back.

 

[02:13:00] CALLER #58: I finally got my turtle collection. I ended up only saving a few of them from like the Galapagos Islands and some other like more souvenir-y ones. But I knew I wouldn’t like – I felt like I was being gas-lit for fifteen years because I knew all this stuff existed somewhere.

 

[02:13:14] CHRIS: Now wait, you’re not talking live turtles. You’re talking turtle memorabilia, turtle souvenirs.

 

[02:13:22] CALLER #58: Yes. Yes. 

 

[02:13:24] CHRIS: Stick a bunch of turtles in a storage space for a decade and a half.

 

[02:13:28] CALLER #58: They might be able to survive it. Turtles are pretty impressive.

 

[02:13:31] CHRIS: Well, you know, if any lettuce seeds fell in there, I’ve recently learned that lettuce basically grows itself. So who knows? Maybe a miracle could have happened. But I’m glad you got it. Glad you got your turtle stuff back. And again, the grandparents’ furniture. That’s important.

 

[02:13:46] CALLER #58: Yeah. So my sister and dad are refinishing it as their quarantine project. So, yeah, we got a little silver lining.

 

[02:13:53] CHRIS: That’s pretty cool how the world works. Thank you for the call. Every single one I wonder, is this the last one? But guess what? We’re gonna do another one. Hello. 

 

[02:14:05] CALLER #59: Oh hey, is it me? 

 

[02:14:06] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[02:14:07] CALLER #59: Oh, excellent. My fiance found baby rabbits in the backyard a couple of days ago. He was mowing the lawn. So we’ve been feeding rabbits for the last few days now. So that’s been really exciting. 

 

[02:14:23] CHRIS: What are you feeding them?

 

[02:14:25] CALLER #59: Oh, we have some carrots we’ve been shredding up and we had some lettuce that we threw out there. And it looks like they’re fending for themselves pretty fine. But since we can’t really do much else, it’s been really exciting going out in the backyard and counting all the bunnies.

 

[02:14:43] CHRIS: And is the momma bunny around? Or you think are you guys the ones tending to these rabbits?

 

[02:14:49] CALLER #59: Oh, no, we’ve seen two rabbits so I think there’s a momma and a dad.

 

[02:14:54] CHRIS: Oh, that’s nice. So you’re just helping out. You’re just auxillary rabbit. You’re just there to support.

 

[02:15:00] CALLER #59: Yeah. And we did it wrong today. We have some fresh carrots and we threw some more out there. But I think nine squirrels, if we counted correctly, appeared before the rabbits could get to it. So we have a new strategy now.

 

[02:15:16] CHRIS: These damn squirrels are fucking up everybody’s flow, man.

 

[02:15:22] CALLER #59: Yeah they tore up our outdoor furniture. We had some cushions back there and they’re just completely trashed and full of holes now.

 

[02:15:30] CHRIS: What’s up with these squirrels man? 

 

[02:15:33] CALLER #59: I don’t know. I didn’t think they were gonna eat the carrots. Maybe they figured out, you know, that it was edible. We’d only seen like maybe two. But today it was crazy.

 

[02:15:44] CHRIS: I hope it works out because you got to feed these rabbits.

 

[02:15:49] CALLER #59: Yeah. Yeah. This is the highlight of my day. I need to see cute little bunnies. I don’t have anything else. [laughing]

 

[02:15:57] CHRIS: I’ve loved talking to you about this. Thank you so much for the call. Was that the last one? Let me do some soul searching. No, one more. At least. Let’s do it. Hello. Welcome to the show.

 

[02:16:10] CALLER #60: Hello. 

 

[02:16:12] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[02:16:12] CALLER #60: Oh, good. You can hear me now. I couldn’t hear you last time, but greetings from England.

 

[02:16:19] CHRIS: How’s everything – how you doing? 

 

[02:16:21] CALLER #60: Not too badly. Bit weird, isn’t it? 

 

[02:16:26] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[02:16:28] CALLER #60: To say the least. 

 

[02:16:28] CHRIS: Yeah.

 

[02:16:29] CALLER #60: But I’ve recently started Transcendental Meditation, which is kind of taking the edge off things.

 

[02:16:36] CHRIS: Oh, Andy Kaufman did that. I always wondered about that because Andy Kaufman did it.

 

[02:16:40] CALLER #60: He did. I think Eric Andre does as well and David Lynch is a big name in all of that. 

 

[02:16:47] CHRIS: And Pete Holmes. 

 

[02:16:50] CALLER #60: Yeah. And yeah it’s – I’ve not been very regular with it, unfortunately, because of stressful world news events, but. When I’m able to do it, I’m really enjoying it and it’s relaxing me, it’s focusing me, it’s giving me energy and yeah. I’m quietly confident that it might actually do me some good, which is a nice feeling, having spent many years trying to solve my various issues with medication and various forms of counseling, what have you. So, yeah, I feel like I’m in a good place and hopefully in a good position to try and do all this stuff. Counseling made me more creative, which was what drove me in the first instance, but hey.

 

[02:17:42] CHRIS: Well, I’ll tell you, you sound very relaxed and even tempered. So it seems like it’s working. 

 

[02:17:48] CALLER #60: I hope so. I’m definitely a much less angry person than I used to be.

 

[02:17:55] CHRIS: That’s good. And I mean, medications and counseling worked for me, but I’m of the philosophy, whatever works go for it.

 

[02:18:02] CALLER #60: Oh absolutely, I have many friends who’ve gone down both of those roads and they’ve – I know a lot of people who swear by medication and, you know, more power to them. But meds never did anything for me but this for whatever reason seems to be working although I don’t necessarily subscribe to the mystical or religious elements of it. Whatever it’s doing to my brain chemically, it seems to be doing the job.

 

[02:18:33] CHRIS: Well wonderful, well wonderful. Our two minutes is up. Our two minutes is up. Thank you so much for calling. Was that the last one? I feel like I’m gonna know it when the last one happens. Nope. That was not it, that was not it. OK, at least one more. Hello, welcome.

 

[02:18:49] CALLER #61: Hello?

 

[02:18:50] CHRIS: Hi.

 

[02:18:52] CALLER #61: Hi. How are you? 

 

[02:18:55] CHRIS: Struggling, but happy.

 

[02:19:01] CALLER #61: You are a very important person to a lot of people.

 

[02:19:05] CHRIS: Oh, I’m some guy.

 

[02:19:09] CALLER #61: You are a guy. I think that’s what makes you even more important.

 

[02:19:14] CHRIS: I don’t feel important.

 

[02:19:16] CALLER #61: I’ve been listening to you for a very long. And I was actually told by someone else who was on this to talk to you earlier to just call and talk to you because you are just this big person to so many people.

 

[02:19:33] CHRIS: Well, that’s awfully nice. I’m glad we get a chance to talk together now.

 

[02:19:38] CALLER #61: Yeah. I mean, I’ve actually been in the last couple months kind of thrown headfirst into your world. I got pulled into that group, Planet Scum.

 

[02:19:52] CHRIS: Welcome, welcome.

 

[02:19:54] CALLER #61: Yeah, so I mean I’ve seen you on Wednesday night for a couple months and now I’m getting pulled into this podcast, which is 100% a different feel but you just kind of have like this big beautiful world that you’re pushing out and it’s great. 

 

[02:20:13] CHRIS: Well, thanks. Thanks for being a part of it and experiencing it. I just try to make stuff, stuff that seems like it will be interesting to people like me.

 

[02:20:23] CALLER #61: Yeah. I know I’m supposed to talk about me but apparently I’m just calling to talk about you.

 

[02:20:28] CHRIS: No, it’s very nice.Those are very nice words and they mean a lot to me. They really genuinely do.

 

[02:20:34] CALLER #61: Good, I’m glad. Yeah, I don’t know what else to say to you man. You’re doing great stuff and for you to sit at home with your [inaudible]

 

[02:20:51] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[02:20:55] CALLER #61: Yeah. So I think you’re doing great stuff and I’m really glad that I’m a part of this and the people who brought me into this are really important.

 

[02:21:03] CHRIS: Thank you. That’s really nice. That’s really nice. Okay, that’s your two minutes. I’m gonna say that could have been a nice one to end on, but it was all compliments to me which I’m not comfortable with and I don’t know if the sound quality allows that to be the final one. Let’s see if this next one is the final one. Hello. Welcome to the show.

 

[02:21:18] CALLER #62: Oh, my God. Chris? 

 

[02:21:20] CHRIS: Yeah, hey. 

 

[02:21:21] CALLER #62: Holy crap. Wow. I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you right now. OK. Well, yeah, I heard you guys talking about mammals, a couple of people back and I want to get back on that topic ’cause…bunnies are cool and all. But what about beavers?

 

[02:21:41] CHRIS: I can’t even tell you how much I love beavers. I watched a documentary on beavers. Fucking love beavers.

 

[02:21:48] CALLER #62: Oh, my God me too. Beavers are hands down the coolest little critters on the planet. Let me tell you, Chris. I don’t even know where to start. Yeah, I don’t know. Man, this is like coming out of nowhere. I don’t know where to start here.

 

[02:22:05] CHRIS: Well, I like them because they go they build dams and they reshape environments and all the other animals benefit from it.

 

[02:22:11] CALLER #62: Yeah. So many –  they’re ecosystem engineers. So yeah, they do a lot. There’s actually a lot of research about how they could be reintroduced to arid environments. It mitigates the effects of climate change.

 

[02:22:27] CHRIS: Well because then the insects come back. The insects come back, the fish have more reason to come back. The fish coming back means the bears have more reason to come back. The wolves have more reason to come back. The vegetation starts to grow because they’re adding fertilizer. Vegetation attracts elk, moose, all sorts of things. Beavers help everybody. They’re very giving animals. Hardworking, industrious, community-minded animals.

 

[02:22:51] CALLER #62: They really are. Yeah. So I do research with beavers. And I was reaching underneath the beaver’s belly under its tail to try and see what the sex was.

 

[02:23:05] CHRIS: Yeah. 

 

[02:23:05] CALLER #62: And I accidentally put my thumb up it’s butt. And that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to a beaver.

 

[02:23:12] CHRIS: Can I tell you something? This is the last call. That will be the final sentiment expressed. 

 

[02:23:20] CALLER #62: [laughing] I am honored. 

 

[02:23:21] CHRIS: Almost two and a half hours in. I think we do have to end it on someone who accidentally jammed their thumb up a beaver’s butt. I can’t imagine a better way to end it. So we’ll go a little longer than two minutes. Did the beaver – the beaver didn’t like that?

 

[02:23:36] CALLER #62: You know, it didn’t react. It didn’t really like what we were doing to it in general, being spat on and all, we had to cut off pieces of claw. It was just not having it.

 

[02:23:48] CHRIS: Yeah. And then all of a sudden your thumb is up its butt and you don’t feel good about that either.

 

[02:23:52] CALLER #62: No, no, not at all. I felt bad. Yeah. It was probably one of them that we couldn’t even sex either. They’re hard to figure out what the sex is sometimes.

 

[02:24:05] CHRIS: Yeah. And then what happened? You got to like go back to the lab and just like wash your hands like crazy because you recently had your thumb in a beaver butt?

 

[02:24:15] CALLER #62: Yeah. It was pretty much, yeah. Go back to the office, tell the story. But it’s like we’re getting shat on all day, you know, collecting poo samples and stuff. So it’s not even a shocker to people.

 

[02:24:30] CHRIS: Yeah. Now I’ve heard that they can use sometimes when they want to have beavers reshape an area, they could use sound, that they can amplify sound of trickling water and it attracts beavers.

 

[02:24:42] CALLER #62: Yeah. Yeah. I really want to try and just put like an audio tape or something like that on water and see how many beavers I can get to come build a dam around it. That would be pretty fun. But I mean my research, I’m trying to deter them. So that would be the opposite of what I want.

 

[02:25:02] CHRIS: Oh, you’re trying to chase the beaver – you should work on squirrels. There’s another caller who needs squirrels deterred.

 

[02:25:08] CALLER #62: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about that one ’cause they’re both related. They’re in the rodent order. But yeah we’re – I’m trying to do like non-lethal mitigation so we don’t have to kill them. But trapping is definitely a benefit. There’s nothing wrong with killing them sometimes.

 

[02:25:27] CHRIS: Well, I tell you, if you jam your thumb up their butt, they might not want to come back.

 

[02:25:34] CALLER #62: Yeah, that’s a good way to deter them.

 

[02:25:36] CHRIS: It’s not everybody’s cup of tea. Some people, they like it. Some people, it’s not their cup of tea.

 

[02:25:42] CALLER #62: Yeah, it reminded me of that South Park episode with Steve Irwin where he jams his thumb up his butthole and gets really pissed off.

 

[02:25:49] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. So if you had to use just – we’re gonna end on this. So I’m asking you to stick the landing.

 

[02:26:00] CALLER #62: OK.

 

[02:26:01] CHRIS: If you had to think of one word that sums up the things you love most about beavers in just one word, what would that word be?

 

[02:26:14] CALLER #62: Oh, man that’s…it’s kind of two words, but just semi-aquatic mammals. They’re cool. They’re cool little things. I’m gonna switch to engineers.

 

[02:26:34] CHRIS: [laughing] No, we’re sticking with semi-aquatic mammals. I love that. I asked you to like in almost a spiritual way, like you could have said integrity or industriousness. And instead you went with an extraordinarily scientific explanation that they are, in fact, semi-aquatic mammals. [laughing]

 

[02:26:57] CALLER #62: Yeah. I’ve thought about what I would talk about with you for years, and I never thought it would be shoving my thumb up a beaver’s butt.

 

[02:27:08] CHRIS: [music transition] All right. And with that, ladies and gentlemen and everyone beyond those descriptions, thank you so much. I can’t imagine ending with anything except the sentence we just heard. I hope that this episode has provided you a little bit of an escape through some tough times. I have to thank so many people. Jared O’Connell, Anita Flores, Jordan Allyn, Shellshag for the music. Most of all, all you people who rally around it and get something out of it. I tell you, I just got to sit here for two and a half hours talking to other people about their lives. Some of it inconsequential chitchat, some of it hard times. A lot of it funny stuff. And that’s the world. The world is not all of us wearing masks and avoiding each other. That’s just temporary. And if I have any hope about what comes out of these strange, strange times, hopefully we’ll take care of each other a little bit more. And I hope that since we’ve been forced to disconnect that when we get the chance to reconnect, we do it a little bit harder and a little more genuinely. Take care of each other. Can’t wait to talk to you next time.

 

[NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW]

 

[02:28:19] CHRIS: Next time on Beautiful Anonymous, a guy who really loves parkour talks about parkour for an hour. 

 

[02:28:28] CHRIS: And all of a sudden you’re like, fuck it, I’m gonna go learn something intense and physical right before retirement age? You can turn off the part of you that’s self conscious about that and that’s worried that people are gonna judge that? That’s really fucking cool man.

 

[02:28:44] CALLER: Oh yeah, she was such a cool lady like I saw her a few months ago too and she’s still like going at it, challenging herself and being active and it’s like, that’s what I love about parkour, is that anybody can do it. So I can point to her and be like, what’s your excuse? 

 

[02:29:00] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. This is why, this is why I have to stop doubting myself.

 

[02:29:07] CHRIS: That’s next time on Beautiful Anonymous.