EP. 120 — Out Of The Closet

[00:01:39] CHRIS: Hello to everyone who’s ever been underwhelmed by Mount Rushmore. It’s Beautiful Anonymous: one hour, one phone call. No names, no holds barred.

[00:01:53] THEME MUSIC: I’d rather go one-on-one. I think it’ll be more fun and I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me.

[00:02:05] CHRIS: Hello, everybody, it’s Chris Gethard. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful Anonymous. So happy to have you here. Thanks for checking it out. Thanks for checking in. Thanks for allowing me to do this job because it’s just about the best job a guy could ever ask for. Talking to all you nice people about your lives and your concerns and thoughts about being a human in this world today. I want to thank everybody. I mentioned last week that I was about to do a show at the New York comedy. So you guys sort that one out. So nice of you. I got two shows in Philly on July 17th. Those sold out before I could even announce it. Thank you guys for that. So I wanted to give some heads up, some warning. Washington, D.C., July 20th can find tickets for that one out there. And Montreal. I’m excited. Montreal Canada, baby 26th, 27th, 28th. I’m doing a bunch of standup and I’m doing a live taping of Beautiful Anonymous. Jarod’s Come with me. Jarod’s never come on the road before. We’re going to take Montreal by storm, we’re going to party hard, we’re going to do a taping on Friday. I do not party hard on the road, I know tours. Most comedians, I think, would probably make fun of me for my notorious lack of partying on the road. But anyway, Montreal, Canada, Washington D.C., tickets still available. We’re going to be plugging those throughout the month. So nice to meet you guys. So nice to meet you guys when you guys come on out. Last week’s episode, we had the 39 year old grandma. I got to tell you, that was a beloved call. A lot of people saying it’s one of their favorites. A lot of people in Beautiful Anonymous, the community on Facebook saying that it’s right up there. A lot of people actually saying this one, and the Aussie best friend are the two nicest, most fun to listen. Lot of people comparing those together, which warms my heart. Here’s some feedback that I really liked because it has a phrase at the end that really made me smile. This is from someone named-very interesting name Marigny? Mariney? Marigny? I’m not sure how to pronounce it. I apologize for my ignorance. This call made me laugh and cry. Thanks to the caller for sharing your story. I was born the same month and year. And if my life had thrown me all those curveballs, I’m not sure I could’ve handled them with the same determination and grace. I want to be this caller’s friend too. Your vibe attracts your tribe, as they say. Feel like that could be the whole credo to this podcast right here; your vibe attracts your tribe, baby! You’re about to hear a call that I’m going to go ahead and tell you means a lot to me, means a lot to us here at Beautiful Anonymous. And you’ll see why. See why on a few different levels. Why I connect with it, I connect with it because I love a conversation with people, I love hearing from people who especially are coming to grips with who they are. I’ve taken great joy in that in many ways. Some people are artists. Some people are looking for life changes. Other people, like our caller today, have maybe had some things that they knew deep down were true and they haven’t been totally ready to admit them. And it is hugely flattering and an honor that today’s caller was willing to speak openly about his truths with me. I say that so genuinely. That’s not an easy conversation to tell somebody, hey, I’ve had feelings for a while that I haven’t told people about. I’m telling you. What a huge honor and a flattering thing to have someone feel that safe with this show. Makes me proud of what we built here. But I’m most proud of our caller. Most proud of our callers. You guys can surmise this caller is sorting out some aspects of his sexuality is ready to let the world know; hasn’t done so yet; is giving us a glimpse. I would almost say, I’m not trying to be overly poetic here, but is almost sort of like, hey, this call right now is like the first crack of light that I’m letting in through the closet door. And what an amazing thing. I think if you’re out there and you’re someone who is sorting out your own feelings, I think this call is going to make you feel a little less alone. That is a hope of mine. If you’re someone out there who is a parent or a brother or sister or friend of someone, I think you’re going to hear a very interesting perspective from someone who’s thought long and hard and in a very mature way about “I have to tell some people in my life about this”. Here’s the fears about the reactions. It’s gonna help guide your reactions if you have someone in your life who you think might be coming towards this conversation with you. You want to be supportive. You want to make them feel cared for and loved and safe, and and this is gonna be eye-opening for you. Most of all, as always, we get a glimpse into someone else’s life. And I’ve said it so many times on this podcast, I’ll say it again right now. Love is love. People are people. Everybody’s just trying to figure out how to be who they are in a real way, and in an honest way, and in the best way. And I think the most beautiful mind blowing thing about this call is that it’s not mind blowing at all. It is a regular chat with a guy. It’s not dramatic because it shouldn’t be. This person’s come to terms with who he is. That should be the least dramatic thing in the world. And I’m so glad that this call is just sort of chit chatty because it tells you that we’re finally living in a world where being. Comfortable also means being safe and being who you are. I’m proud of it and I hope you like it. Enjoy.

[00:07:14] PHONE ROBOT: Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. [Beep]

[00:07:21] CALLER: Hello.

[00:07:22] CHRIS: Hello.

[00:07:24] CALLER: Hey.

[00:07:25] CHRIS: Hey, what’s up?

[00:07:26] CALLER: How’s it going, Chris?

[00:07:28] CHRIS: How’s it going? Well, I tell you, it’s a little it’s a little cliche to say it, but it’s quite hot and I’m quite tired. Yes. You’re in that part of the world, too, where it’s just super hot all of a sudden.

[00:07:40] CALLER: Yeah. For a person who loves summertime, this is kind of ridiculous [Laughs].

[00:07:49] CHRIS: Yeah. For a person who doesn’t particularly love summertime, it’s even more ridiculous. I drove yesterday for about seven hours total in a car with no air conditioning so I’m done.

[00:07:58] CALLER: Oh, that’s awesome.

[00:08:00] CHRIS: I’m done. I’m done. Anyway, how are you doing? I recently.

[00:08:04] CALLER: I recently… I’m good, I’m good. You said something about like, you know, you just drove, I just recently got done with a trip out west and we decided to make a stop at Mount Rushmore on our way out there. And we happen to stop on the day it was like a hundred five degrees. And everybody there was just like, oh, it was 70 last night. And me, my friends are like, of course, we would stop on the one day. They were like, yeah, it’s a record breaker. You know, it hasn’t been this hot since like 06 or something like that.

[00:08:37] CHRIS: Wow!

[00:08:38] CALLER: So we’re like, of course, we brought the weather with us all the way out west.

[00:08:42] CHRIS: Now, how is Mount Rushmore? I’ve driven, I’ve tell you, I’ve driven cross-country a number of times. Never made it up that way. Never saw Mount Rushmore. How is it? I feel like it’s one of those things that it might be meaningful to see or you might get out there, look at it, and be like, yeah, I’ve seen pictures of this.

[00:08:56] CALLER: I was… I kind of feel bad for seeing it. I was underwhelmed a little bit. And I mean, one, that he was already just kind of putting a damper on the mood. But, you know, it was like a last minute stop because we were actually driving out to Montana and, you know, that was a twenty nine hour drive. So we were like, we probably need to make a rest stop somewhere. And none of us had been to Mount Rushmore before so we got there. Kind of small, but it was interesting for the first time because you see, you know, going through school, you see in all these pictures and in your history books and I don’t know, I expected it to be a whole lot bigger than it was. And yeah, it was just kind of those things… yep, seen it, next?

[00:09:48] CHRIS: Yeah, I had a feeling, had a feeling I never quite prioritized that one I’ll see it someday. I like the Grand Canyon, though, that one lives up to the hype. Ever been there?

[00:09:58] CALLER: No. That’s hopefully coming soon on my road trip list.

[00:10:04] CHRIS: Yeah… I’ve been there twice. it’s better than you think, basically. The photos and the movies can’t quite capture what they got out there. That’s a really overwhelming experience. Well worth it.

[00:10:18] CALLER: Have you seen National Lampoon’s Vacation?

[00:10:21] CHRIS: I have

[00:10:23] CALLER: With Chevy Chase.

[00:10:24] CHRIS: Uh-huh.

[00:10:27] CALLER: Yeah. I just always remember that one thing where they’re trying to get there and they stopped at the Grand Canyon quick and he’s holding it. And he’s like, yep, we’re good. All right. Back in the car.

[00:10:39] CHRIS: The first time I went to the Grand Canyon. There’s a highway that gets up there you’re on like this real big road and then you take this highway and you go up and it’s kind of like just a little spur, like you go straight up and then you’re supposed to straight back down to the highway. My buddy and I, we were like, we already saw that highway, let’s let’s go out this back way we see on the map. Now, this was back in the day when you actually looked at physical maps, like we had atlas’s and maps.

[00:11:04] CALLER: Oh, gosh.

[00:11:05] CHRIS: And we were real dumb. I’m from New Jersey, he’s from Queens. And it was a dotted line. There was a dotted line that seemed to lead us back towards where I think we were headed towards Texas. And we’re like that heads us, that’s heading east, that’s in the right direction. Didn’t look up what a dotted line meant on the map. Turned out that it was largely a dirt road. And we were out there for hours and it was on some Native American land. And it was grim. It was grim. I was like, wow, we didn’t know.

[00:11:34] CALLER: I didn’t know that’s what that meant on the map either. Good to know.

[00:11:37] CHRIS: Least on this map. I mean, it was not a very fully functioning road. And it was, I tell I was driving around back there. I was like, oh, my God, this might be where I die. This might be where I die. So I’m like, oh, my God. I didn’t realize we’re still, this is the land that we gave the Native Americans. Wow. We’re still we’re still screwing these guys over.

[00:12:00] CALLER: We had something similar in Montana happen. I guess like the way they view highway construction out there; they do like, you know how, I don’t know where where I’m at. Typically, they do one lane at a time. But out Montana, they’ll do like the whole mile. Both sides of traffic. So we were just driving, you know, following Google Maps and then boom: dirt road, just dirt. We’re just going and going and going. And I’m like, well, we’ll just follow the Google maps person, they say they know what they’re doing.

[00:12:31] CHRIS: But at least he can drive 150 miles on the dirt road out there, right? Montana, there’s no laws. Isn’t that the thing about Montana? It’s like that movie… what’s that movie? The Purge? Is that the movie with no laws? Harry, we looked the stuff where you get a night where you’re allowed to kill people. Isn’t that just how Montana is?

[00:12:51] CALLER: I was very sad when we finally passed one speed limit sign and it was like 80. And, you know…

[00:12:58] CHRIS: But aren’t, their speed limit limits…

[00:13:00] CALLER: …Mine are usually about 70

[00:13:01] CHRIS: Yeah, mine are 55 and 65, but aren’t their speed limit signs, don’t they even just saying I’m like 80, but eh, we don’t care? Like, isn’t that also just written on their speed, or speed… you know what I mean.

[00:13:12] CALLER: Yeah, in some places both sides, you know, regular signs are standard, and you don’t see anybody for 300 miles so you just hope for the best.

[00:13:24] CHRIS: Look at that. Me and you. Me and you talking about the realities about American ideal, the American reality that you see out there on the open roads.

[00:13:34] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:13:38] CHRIS: Now, I can’t imagine this is why you reached out to Beautiful Anonymous.

[00:13:42] CALLER: Ah no, it isn’t. I’ve been a huge fan of the show for very long time. That when you guys first, you know, came out with a podcast, a friend had told me about it. And I was like, yeah, all right, I’ll give it a try. And, you know, fell in love with it, you know, from episode one. And I’ve been listening, you know, ever since. And, you know, it’s just it’s awesome what you’re doing, and how everybody can call in and share their stories. It’s really special things.

[00:14:14] CHRIS: I’m lucky to be able to do it. I’m lucky to be able todo it. And I’m glad to hear that you had a mild at best enthusiasm when your friend described it to you, then we got you hooked. I like that. That you were like, okay, I’ll check it out. And now you’ve been listening. Yeah. To a couple of years of these things.

[00:14:29] CALLER: Yes. Since, I mean, the one episode I remember that really hooked me from the beginning was I forget the exact title of it, but it was I’m floating in a cardboard boat, was what it was.

[00:14:44] CHRIS: Oh the first live one we ever did.

[00:14:46] CALLER: And that was just, that was the one that got me.

[00:14:51] CHRIS: Well, I’m always happy to yell at discontent Canadians. Everybody knows that about me. Everybody knows that if you’re a restless Canadian, I’ll set you straight. Not true, I love Canada. Love Canada. Don’t know when this is airing, but I’m going up to the Montreal Just for Laughs and the Toronto Just for Laughs this year and I couldn’t be more psyched. Yeah, those Canadian comedy audiences have been very kind to me. So I love Canada before I start anything

[00:15:19] CALLER: I’ll be in Canada in about three weeks, so…

[00:15:21] CHIS: Oh, we might be up there, you might be up there at the same time as the Beautiful Anonymous Live taping in Montreal.

[00:15:28] CALLER: Oh, crazy, that’d be a fun little stop on the way… to drive around.

[00:15:33] CHRIS: What do you do, you just drive around all the time?

[00:15:36] CALLER: More so, I mean, I’m only twenty five, so I’m not that old. But, you know, I try to make it, to be a road dog as much as I can, you know when I get the chance.

[00:15:50] CHRIS: You gotta be. I love road trips. I’m on record. I’ve talked about it on the show before, I’m sure: I love a good road trip. You find your soul out on the road.

[00:15:57] CALLER: Yes, I know. My buddy’s got like a cabin up there. Now we just go up and kind of stay for about a week up there, up on the Georgian Bay. Just nice secluded area on the water. Just a good place to get away.

[00:16:15] CHRIS: Sounds awful nice. So what are we talking about today?

[00:16:19] CALLER: Well, so called in, and I was just like alright, you know, kind of at a point in my life to where you know, 25, things are kind of settling into place. And I was actually up in Canada about a year ago and I turned 25, I was there for my birthday. I was like, you know what? You know we’re going to make some big changes in my life. You know, I’m a pretty outgoing person I like to think. And I try to, you know I like to push people in both my personal life with my friends, help them do their best with my jobs I have. And, you know, sometimes I think. I sometimes teach people that, you know, being honest with yourself, is very important, and sometimes I don’t follow that in my own way. So when I turned 25 I was like, all right, I’m going to use this year and this is the year I think I’m going to come out of the closet.

[00:17:25] CHRIS: Oh, wow.

[00:17:26] CALLER: And so, yeah.

[00:17:29] CHRIS: Wow. How has that been going?

[00:17:33] Well, we are almost at the year mark, and so certainly hasn’t happened yet, but I have been, you know, really fighting some internal demons of myself to be like alright, you got ’till the end of July to do this thing. So, you know, I’ve been trying to get on the show here, you know, a few times and it hasn’t worked. And then, you know, ’cause I always just kind of said, I don’t know what I’ll ever talk about if I ever do get on. And then, you know, in this last year, I was just like, you know what? I think if I get on, I think this is going to be a really big step for me in that direction for sure.

[00:18:20] CHRIS: Well, first thing I’ll say is that I got your back. Simple as that.

[00:18:31] CALLER: Person doesn’t hear that enough.

[00:18:34] CHRIS: Just in a very simple way, I do. I got to tell you, you listen to the show, you know I live in New York City and I’m around all kinds of people, all kinds of time. All the time and you got nothing to worry about from me. Couldn’t be anything but more excited for you to to embrace who you are and live what you’re feeling on the inside. I think that’s one of the best things that everybody can do for themselves, no matter what it is they’re embracing about themselves.

[00:19:08] CALLER: Well, thank you. And I mean, just you know, it’s obviously I mean, growing up because I mean, it’s just one of those things where, I mean, I’m sure there’s more people, you know, in my situation than what I think there are, you know, because sometimes it can feel kind of lonely and you don’t think that people can understand what you’re going through. And then at least in my life, there’s times where you think you’re close to just doing it and then something happens and you kind of just, you know, for lack of better terms, you know, get far, you know, further in the closet. You know, it’s hard to push through all that stuff to get out to the door.

[00:19:54] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so when did you, when did you sort of come out to yourself? Because that’s something to be proud of right there. And we also just wrapped up pride month, I believe, right?

[00:20:08] CALLER: We did. And of course you know, that got me reflecting. Every, you know, reflection happens around that time.

[00:20:17] CHRIS: I would imagine.

[00:20:20] CALLER: I mean, I wouldn’t say, you know, some people are like, you know, I knew I was gay from when I was five or, you know, it happened here, happened there. It really wasn’t, I don’t know if it was just like one moment, but like. many moments that happened. I mean, I’d say towards the end of high school, it kind of just the thoughts were kind of there, you know, because I wasn’t raised super religious by any means. But, you know, I went to church and got confirmed and, you know, was taught the ways, you know, of the book and how, you know, sinners, blah, blah, blah. And so I kind of took it very seriously. But then towards the end of high school, I definitely became a more open minded person. Was like, you know, people can love who they love. I believe the summer before I graduated high school, I actually went over with my German club and traveled, you know, we went around Europe a little bit and that really opened my eyes to the new culture new people. And I think that was a big moment to where, I mean, my life changed drastically from that perspective. And then college happened and then even more life experience follows from that, you know.

[00:21:44] CHRIS: And have you… OK, let me put this out here, because we got 45 minutes, you got a long time to talk. A lot of times I just start asking a bunch of questions, but those tend to be calls, I think, where people have really lived with stuff that they’ve, that they’re on the other side of maybe or have experienced or experiencing more publicly. I don’t want to ask any questions to pry anything out of you, because that’s not what this process should be. But I do have questions. But you should let me know what you want this to be.

[00:22:21] CALLER: Right.

[00:22:22] CHRIS: You know what I mean?

[00:22:23] CALLER: Well, I mean, I can, that’s the that’s the thing with me, I can talk and talk and talk. I mean, this is I mean, I told myself, you know, if I ever got on the show, I’m going to use it how I use it. So I mean, I’m a pretty open book in this aspect, and that’s the point of this show is to just be, you know, to reveal yourself, and hopefully if there’s somebody else out there, you know, in my shoes, you know, I think they would want me to answer as much as I can so I’m definitely trying to answer any questions you have. Then hopefully they might prompt me to think or act in this current situation because I’m just kind of in the middle of it.

[00:23:06] CHRIS: OK, so. Have you come out to anyone? That’s one of my first questions. Is this the first conversation where you’re just talking about this out loud, casually with another human being? Or have you had

[00:23:21] CALLER: yes.

[00:23:22] CHRIS: This is the first time? I’m flattered.

[00:23:24] CALLER: This is the first.

[00:23:28] CHRIS: I’m flattered and I’m honoured, I’ll let you know, that you would feel comfortable and safe with me. That makes me feel good. And I will not betray that trust.

[00:23:38] CALLER: Well, thank you. I’m glad you can be the first person.

[00:23:43] CHRIS: Well, it’s you know, it’s a lot of responsibility to talk with a stranger who I’ve – to my knowledge – I’ve never met in person about something this intense, but I’m very flattered and happy that I I have created a forum where you feel safe. So I want to celebrate that. I think that’s awesome. Well done.

[00:24:05] CALLER: Thank you.

[00:24:07]CHRIS: Is it weird for you to hear yourself say that out loud? I would have to imagine.

[00:24:12] CALLER: It is. I mean, I’m kind of I don’t know, I’m bizarre in that aspect anyway. So, you know, of course, in my mind I was like, you know, why not? I’m sure this is a perfect time to do it. And I was like, why not Chris Gethard?

[00:24:30] CHRIS: I’ll take it. Why not Chris? I get that, people from all walks of life are like, yeah, I guess this guy. OK, so here’s another question, just one that jumps to mind. I hope I’m not crossing any lines; if I am always call me out on it. Especially this call.

[00:24:47] CALLER: OK.

[00:24:48] CHRIS: So you mentioned that you started realizing this in high school. In college. These are the stretches of life where a person would traditionally experiment, would maybe get to know themselves. The whole culture of hooking up in college. Have you have you explored this side of yourself kind of quietly in private with anyone or are these un-acted-upon feelings?

[00:25:11] CALLER: Definitely, private have, yes. So definitely have. And I mean. I’d say it probably was my second semester as a freshman in college is when it actually, you know, something happened or I was like, oh, these feelings actually might mean something, you know. Let’s check this out. And then, you know, from there, you know, it kind of went on and off.

[00:25:42] CHRIS: Mm hmm.

[00:25:47] CHRIS: Oh, I didn’t know that was the end. That was the end. Sorry about that.

[00:25:51] CALLER: Oh, sorry.

[00:25:52] CHRIS: So you’re kind of figuring

[00:25:53] CALLER: I mean, there’s more [that I’ll let?] you ask me.

[00:25:57] CHRIS: So, there were stretches where you’d feel attracted to men, there were stretches where you weren’t sure what was going on, there’s stretches where you just kind of were rolling with it, and it was kind of varying. Is that what you mean by on and off? Like it would sort of come in and go?

[00:26:11] CALLER: Yeah well, there were like. Yes, I mean, you know, there’d be, you know, somebody and then I’d be like, oh you know, that’s kind of a that was a one time thing. I did it, it’s out of my system. You kind of, you know, bury it down deeper because you’re like, that wasn’t what I thought it was

[00:26:31] CHRIS: As far as like, hookups or feelings or?

[00:26:35] CALLER: Yeah, just the hook. I was like, all right, you know, like I did it, that wasn’t what I thought it would be, and maybe it’s out of my system. And then, you know, months go by and then it happens again. You’re like, well, I thought I was done with this, and then no. And it’s just kind of been that revolving door, which, you know. Adds to the bizarreness.

[00:26:58] CHRIS: Right. Right. Right. And I’d have to imagine if this is the style by which you’re experimenting these aren’t like long term relationships, it sounds like. I might be wrong.

[00:27:14] CALLER: No, none of them have really been long term. There was this one event that happened that I had never and I mean, if you don’t if you don’t want to hear the story, you just cut me off at that point. But the longest term that I had, you know, been involved with another guy was actually somebody I had met online but never met them on person. And we like talked for a year, you know, and I mean, it was insane how crazy it was, but I mean, I mean, that was like the longest thing that had ever happened, you know, with another guy in that aspect.

[00:27:53] CHRIS: And you never met, you never met this guy in person?

[00:27:56] CALLER: I never met him in person.

[00:27:58] CHRIS: Wow. Wow. So what is it? That is it, I mean, you mentioned that you were raised in a religious family. Is it that? Is it just societal pressure in general? Is it the fact that it’s gonna be a life change? What is it that’s making you hang back?

[00:28:19] CHRIS: Man, oh, man, am I glad we stopped talking about Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon cause this is a much bigger and more important thing to me. That’s awesome. What’s holding you back up? Bet that’s a question a lot of us have been thinking. I’m excited to hear the answer, I bet you are too. We’ll get to it right after these ads. Get these promo codes on there when you use them it really helps us out. And we’ll be back with more phone calls right after this.

[00:28:41] [Ad break]

[00:31:09] CHRIS: Thank you again to all of our advertisers who help us bring this show to the world. Now let’s get back to the phone call.

[00:31:16] CHRIS: I mean, you mentioned that you were raised in a religious family. Is it that, is it just societal pressure in general? Is it the fact that it’s gonna be a life change? What is it that’s making you hang back?

[00:31:29] CALLER: I really think it is just kind of a life change because it’s just, I mean, I don’t want to speak for everybody, especially guys who are gay. Cause, I mean, you know, typically guys are like, oh, no, I think I’m bi at first. And then, you know, all I feel like at least on my gay friends are like, oh, that’s just you know, that’s just a stop on the way to, you know, being gay. And, you know, and I’m just like, well, you know, and at least in my position, being with guys and girls are just like, no, I really think, you know, a person is bisexual and can be. And I feel like that’s the struggle I’ve been in between, you know, like the last few years of my life, you know? Am I bi or am I gay? And you know, if I come out am I going to come out as gay or am I going to come out as bi and, yeah, It’s really more of that. Lifestyle change, I guess.

[00:32:31] CHRIS: I get that because that’s a that is a thing, right? I’ve read I’ve read a lot about that, the bisexual community.  From what I’ve read, it’s not the easiest because they don’t… I’ve read articles, they’re not necessarily accepted as part of the queer community so easily sometimes,

[00:32:51] CALLER: Right.

[00:32:52] CHRIS: Sometimes they take some shit from what I’ve read as people being like, you’re half in, half out or you just kind of want it your way. You get to you get to play straight if you want to date someone like if in your case, you want to date a female, you’re not you’re not part of it. So I get that that must be confusing. I have to say, it must be… I’m coming… The older I get, the more I’m just becoming the opinion, the more I’m just coming to the opinion of, like I wonder if any of this is real. I wonder if any of these classifications are real myself. I wonder.

[00:33:26] CALLER: I know, right?

[00:33:28] CHRIS: There’s people who… there’s days I’m sure there’s people where they wake up on Monday and they’re into one thing and they wake up on Tuesday and they’re into a totally different thing. And we’ve got to put a label on it. And it just causes all this stress; what’s the label, what’s that mean? I would have to imagine we have to be approaching a world that’s a little bit more just like, hey, who are you? What are you feeling in your gut? Is it going to hurt you? Is it going to hurt anybody else? If not, act on your desires. God damn it. The un-acted upon desire is a an insidious thing. This idea that you have to hide from who you are is an insidious thing. And if if this conversation leads to anything, if this is the first step in you telling people in your real life, I’ll say the thing that I’m most excited about being a part of this is that idea that you have to hide it from yourself, from other people that’ll eat you up, and I’m happy to hear that those days are coming to an end for you because you’re 25, and you still get…

[00:34:29] CALLER: I am 25, and I made a deal with myself a year ago.

[00:34:33] CHRIS: Well look, you gotta all right, because that is young enough that you can still have a few years where you can just be completely carefree and irresponsible in the way everybody in their early 20s is. But you’re also getting to that point, we probably ought to start thinking about, well, where’s the 401K going to come in and when is my… Do I have insurance in a couple of years. So, yeah, the real world’s coming, but you got a couple of years where you can still be young and God damn it do I hope you just come out and embrace it and have as much fun in that stretch as you can. Because what a regret it would be.

[00:35:10] CALLER: I know that. And you know that guy I told you I talked to for a year.

[00:35:12] CHRIS: Yea, yea.

[00:35:15] CALLER: He is actually… He is Canadian. He was actually, he’s a little bit older than me he is 28 and he was still in the closet as well, which is why we, you know, connected so well, and you know, started talking. I mean, it literally it happened… The way we met, you know, the way how the deep caverns of the Internet and all of these, you know, chat rooms you can talk to anonymously. You know, we met on there and ended up giving him a phone call. You know, and we just talked on Christmas Eve two years ago and just hit it off, didn’t saying anything, you know, it just kind of kind of like this, you know, Beautiful Anonymous, you know, we just told each other our life stories and where we were at and. You know, I with this whole being young thing, I mean, he was twenty seven at the time and he was like, you know, don’t be like me and wait so long and you’ll regret it. And, you know, I mean, I learned a lot from him.

[00:36:26] CHRIS: Yeah, that conversation must have been a weight off the shoulders, huh?

[00:36:30] CALLER: Yeah, I know. I mean, eventually he did end up coming out to his family and his friends, and I mean, I just remember sending him this big, long message about how proud I was of him and how, you know, there’s so many people that I wish they, you know, they could do that. And I’m so happy for him.

[00:36:51] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Have you followed up? Did you hear? Did it go well?

[00:36:57] CALLER: It did go well and, you know, I mean, I know how cliche it sounds, you know, like in at least like with some of my friends and in the movies anyway, you know, when people come out, everybody’s like, oh, we knew or we always knew his family was kind of like, yeah, we figured and I kind of hate that response in a way like. I mean, it shows just how, you know, humans are perceptive to that and if a person is in denial from that or trying, your loved ones, of course, are going to see that something’s holding you back most likely.

[00:37:37] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:37:38] CALLER: And if they truly care about you, they know.

[00:37:42] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:37:43] CALLER: And his family was kind of like that which I was glad they were, you know, accepting of it. And I was really happy for him.

[00:37:52] CHRIS: So do you have a plan? Do you know who you’d like to tell first?

[00:37:57] CALLER: I do. And I definitely, I say I mean, my parents are obviously at the top of my list, especially my mom. You know, she just means the world to me. And, you know, she deserves to know first and she’s kind of she’s kind of that person that’s like, she’s probably going to be like, oh, I knew. I feel like that might happen. I don’t know, it’s not like I’m I’m super flamboyant, you know what I mean, I just… Clearly, people don’t know that about me because I don’t… And I’m not saying, you know, gay people, you know, sound a certain way or act a certain way but, you know, I think just deep down, she might be like, you know, I had a feeling he might be.

[00:38:41] CHRIS: Yeah. And why does you said that that bums you out. Is it… I would have… I would bet it’s like. Well, first of all, if you knew, why didn’t you make me feel more okay about it, is that part of it of like, if you knew, why weren’t we talking about this? You gotta help me. It’s a stressful thing.

[00:39:05] CALLER: Yeah, I mean, that’s it. I mean, I don’t even know how to… because, like, you know, I’ve never talked to anybody about this before. So, you know, I guess you’re the first one I’m bouncing this off of, you know, I feel like when I, if I, when and the time comes and I, you know, tell them, you know, I don’t I don’t think they’re going to be, you know, super, you know, get out of the house, I never want to talk to you again. You know, I don’t think it might, I don’t think it will be anything like that. I just you know, I just see a go in a direction where, like, why didn’t you tell us this for a long time? Blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I really don’t know what’s going to happen when I tell them because they’re, you know, my parents, you know, I’m close, you know, they’re very supportive and all that. I really can’t predict what’s going to happen.

[00:40:01] CHRIS: What part of the country are you in? You don’t have to say like a specific town or state if you don’t want, but just a region.

[00:40:07] CALLER: The Midwest.

[00:40:08] CHRIS: Okay. Okay.

[00:40:10] CALLER: Is where I’m at.

[00:40:13] CHRIS: Could be worse, could be worse. Could be better. Could be worse.

[00:40:19] CALLER: Yeah, which is why I travel a lot. You know, see the world.

[00:40:24] CHRIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh. I would imagine, right? Yeah. Deep South. So I’d go deep South is harder than the Midwest might be next? Might be next? Who knows, who knows.

[00:40:40] CALLER: I’m like I’m like literally, I’d say right in the middle. Middle of the Midwest. So where I grew up, though, I mean, I don’t really live, I don’t live like where my parents, where I grew up anymore. Because I definitely live in an area, I grew up in an area where, you know, racism was definitely a thing. You know, homosexuality was a big no no, that kind of thing. But I mean it’s 2018 and times have changed. So it’s kind of just like those, I guess foundations that where I grew up, those are still kind of there, you know, within the people that stayed there. But, you know, they’re definitely more progressive and accepting than what they used to be. And that’s why people like me grow up and get out of there.

[00:41:34] CHRIS: I was going to say I’m going to go on record and say if the people in your hometown are hanging on to that shit. Bye bye.

[00:41:44] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:41:45] CHRIS: Enjoy the hometown, everybody. Bye bye.

[00:41:48] CALLER: And it’s so sad because it’s such a beautiful place. The scenery wise, and it’s just like I would never raise my kids here.

[00:41:58] CHRIS: Yeah, well, New York is often disgusting scenery wise, but values, I think we got some good ones. When you get underneath all the horrible ways people treat each other on the surface, I think that’s a very fair summation of New York. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you, dude. I think this is cool.

[00:42:19] CALLER: Thank you.

[00:42:20] CHRIS: I think you’re, it sounds to me like you’re ready to go for it, sounds to me like you’ve thought long and hard about it. I bet you’re going to have a real happy life and I’m glad you still got some time. Glad you still got some time to be young and make mistakes and go for it. It’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. So have you had a dating life that people have seen, like have you dated women and you friends your family are familiar?

[00:42:49] CALLER: I only have dated women up to this point. And those have been actually longer lasting. You know, I mean, I don’t do anything. I’m really more of an oriented long term person. And those have all been like, you know, at least, you know, a year, that kind of thing.

[00:43:08] CHRIS: Wow.

[00:43:09] CALLER: And dated some great women, you know, the ones that haven’t worked out. You know, more or less, you know, it’s been just kind of a you know, I don’t know if it goes down that deep rooted like, you know, I don’t think this is who I am or, you know what, if I tell them, you know, this secret about me and they’re not okay with it, you know, then that kind of just blows everything up anyway.

[00:43:41] CHRIS: Of course. Now, you said you still; you think you had mentioned that you still are attracted to women on some level bi, gay, not sure.

[00:43:50] CALLER: Yeah, oh for sure.

[00:43:53] CHRIS: I would have to imagine there’s something to be said for you kind of need to put all those cards on the table so you can start figuring out exactly where you lie. I would have to think, right?

[00:44:00] CALLER: Right.

[00:44:02] CHRIS: Like you can’t have a full… I would have to imagine there’s something to be said for like, oh, well I am attracted to women, maybe I just date women. There’s also something to be said for well, if there’s this whole unfulfilled part of my life that all these desires or instincts that I have that I’m stuffing down, how am I ever gonna be totally comfortable? Even if you do wind up long term with a woman, how are you gonna be long term comfortable with that if you don’t just go figure this stuff out without pressure, without fear, without any of it? Give young people permission to just figure themselves out without worrying about what what people from prior generations or what the Bible says, just let them figure themselves out, man.

[00:44:43] CALLER: And that’s like that’s the revolving door you know, I keep going through because every time, you know, I I get those thoughts and it’s just like, well, maybe I’m like, maybe these thoughts keep coming back for a reason. So I completely agree. And then that’s why, you know, when I turned twenty five, I was like, Hey, now or never. We got to start here. You know, soul searching.

[00:45:09] CHRIS: Try for something else. When you say these thoughts, do you mean just like consistent like, oh wait, I’m attracted to that guy. Okay. I got a crush on a guy again. Those are these thoughts.

[00:45:17] CALLER: Exactly.

[00:45:18] CHRIS: And do you have you gone online? Have you used any of the apps? These are. I was I was married before the apps became a thing. But I know that there’s a thriving app scene out there. You’re Grinders and whatnot.

[00:45:30] CALLER: Oh gosh Grinder, I’ve heard horror stories from Grinder.

[00:45:34] CHRIS: I’ve heard horror stories as well. I believe there’s one called Scruff that I have some friends on. Have you tried Scruff. Have we checked out scruff?

[00:45:43] CALLER: I have looked into it yes. But fun fact about me is I really don’t do social media in that kind of thing. Other than, you know, that one person I met in Canada that one time. I mean, but that was like two years ago, like I used to have like Twitter and Facebook. Way back when, and I was about halfway through college, and then I just woke up one day and I was like, sick of scrolling. Like, I’d spend three hours in bed just scrolling through Facebook and scrolling through Twitter. I had Instagram for like four minutes and it was like, I can’t do this. So way back when when Tinder, you know, first came out, the infamous Tinder you had to have a Facebook account to get on there. And of course, I had already given up Facebook and I was like, oh well, not meant to be. So. And Bumble was the same way. So I was just like, oh, it’s definitely not meant to be. But now I hear you don’t have to have those things to get on.

[00:46:44] CHRIS: Oh, you don’t. See my buddy I go on the road with, he has he’s single and he’s on Tinder and Bumble. And man, I’d tell you, I was married before those were really things. Those were just getting off the ground when I got married. I would’ve been the king of Tinder. Jared and Harry can you imagine if I was single and on Tinder in Brooklyn what my life would be like? It would be game over. The king. But anyway. Hey, I want to let you know something that Jared just told me that I can share.

[00:47:15] CALLER OK.

[00:47:16] CHRIS: Because it’s funny, the viewers of this, or the listeners, rather listeners of the show have come to know Jared and they joke around about Jared and me. We even tell you about Jerry’s personal life. He’s let me know that I can tell you. He met his boyfriend of five years on Grinder. So there’s something encouraging. That’s not a Grinder horror story. Look at that. Go on grinder, meet somebody, a five year relationship out of it. How’s about that?

[00:47:42] CALLER: Well, there’s still… it’s definitely on. You know, obviously, I told myself if I ever do get those, it would be when, you know, I can officially check the box interested in, you know, men and women.

[00:47:57] Uh-huh, uh-huh. It’s time to go for it. It is time to live. I tell you. I tell you. Thirty eight years old, North Jersey, we just didn’t we didn’t talk about it. Didn’t talk about it in high school. And there’s a couple of kids I went to high school with, two in particular I’m thinking of. One was in my grade. One was a little brother of a good friend of mine. And they were just really shy kids. And they seemed shy and lonely. And I never thought about their sexuality because we didn’t think about it then in the late 80s, early 90s, I graduated high school, 1998. The conversation started, I think a little bit after that. And I tell you, I’m Facebook friends with both these guys now and I’m not close, I don’t catch up with them, I’m not very close to them, but I see that they are both out of the closet and they’re both in pictures with their guys and they look so happy. And one of them just adopted a kid.

[00:48:54] CALLER: That’s awesome.

[00:48:55] CHRIS: They look so relaxed and so happy. And I just remember them being so shy and nervous these two guys in particular, and I see those pictures and I smile and I laugh. And anybody, anybody who would see a young person happy and judge it, I would love to personally walk up and give them a piece of my mind. Because if you see someone else happy with who they are and that makes you mad or that makes you uncomfortable, we’re in 2018. That’s on that person. That’s not that’s not on you. Anybody. If you come out of the closet and anyone gives you a hard time, I’m telling you, remember my voice in your head right now. That person is the asshole. They got something wrong with them. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing. There’s nothing. Wherever it lands. Guys, girls. Wherever it lands. If it winds up that you’re bi and that makes it tough. Fine. If it winds up that you’re gay and that it’s something that as you get more and more comfortable with, that there and go OK I’m comfortable with this being that the base of my reality now; anybody has a problem with any of it on any side. Fuck’em. No thanks. You cannot judge people for who they are. I always say this is one of the transformative things in my life when I realize I used to be such a fucking cynic and I used to be a negative person because I was scared. I was so scared. And I used to be very nervous and cynical. And then I realized one day you just can’t judge people for the things they don’t decide. Can’t judge someone for being poor when they’re born into it. You can’t judge someone for being the ethnicity that they are. You can’t judge somebody for being born in the area of the world where they’re born and cannot judge people for their sexuality. It’s not a choice. It’s not a choice.

[00:50:47] CHRIS: I think you guys can hear it. I really meant that one let’s judge less, let’s just judge each other less. Certain things are not a choice. Don’t judge them. You know, what is a choice is the products and services you choose to buy in a capitalist society. We have ads on this show. Use them. Check them out. Listen to them we got the promo codes on there. That’s what when I mean when I say use them I mean the promo codes, it helps the show when you do. What a silly thing that I have to drop ads, but I do. And I’m lucky I get to. I will be back with more phone calls just after this.

[00:51:19] [Ad break]

[00:52:24] CHRIS:  Thanks everybody who sponsors this show and helps me bring it to the world. Now let’s finish off the phone call.

[00:52:30] CHRIS: You can’t judge somebody for being born in the area of the world where they’re born and cannot judge me with their sexuality. It’s not a choice. It’s not a choice.

[00:52:37] CALLER: Yeah. That’s like, I mean, basically, the awakening I had you know at the end of high school ’cause, I mean, you’re right. I mean, I was, you know, cynical and negative and, you know, it’s just, you know, love is love.

[00:52:53] CHRIS: Absolutely.

[00:52:58] CALLER: And that’s the thing, like you said. I mean, whoever I end up… I mean, I’m just glad I can tell from by this, you know. I mean, I don’t know who I’ll end up with, but I think it’s awesome and why I wanted to get on the show. I mean, I think it’s a beautiful thing that those opportunities are like there for me.

[00:53:16] CHRIS: They absolutely are.

[00:53:17] CALLER: You know, even though I’m you know, there’s people in my life who don’t see it that way. And hopefully somebody listening to this show, you know, agrees and is doing the same thing somewhere.

[00:53:29] CHRIS: Here’s the thing. I hope I hope I’ve always… One of the great compliments I ever had on my work someone said about my TV show once. A friend of mine who is a non-binary said your show is a place where I would have felt comfortable hanging out as a queer kid. And when we had people come out of the closet live on my TV show, it’s one of the things I am by far most proud of. Because you gotta just be yourself. You gotta let people be themselves. You say there’s people who are going to have a problem with it. You said your parents, you don’t think your parents are gonna are gonna react poorly. Who… What… What is the fear? What is the impediment at this point? What’s the last hurdle that you’re committed to getting over this coming month?

[00:54:09] CALLER: I really can’t put a finger on it. I just don’t know if it’s, you know, the act of, once you put it out in the universe, it’s there and then… Because I really don’t know how they’ll react. I mean, they could take it super negatively. I don’t think they will. But people process things different ways.

[00:54:32] CHRIS: Yeah. Do you know how you’re going to say it? Do you know what you’re going to say? I’m sure you’ve sat and thought about it.

[00:54:39] CALLER: I mean, at this point, I don’t. I really. I don’t know, my dad’s a very laid back person, so I feel like he’s just going to be, you know, how country people are so he’s just going to be like, OK. My mom might have a few more… She’s a woman of very many opinions. So I’m not sure what she’ll have to say about it. I’m sure she’ll… I just feel like she’ll want a lot of answers, which, you know, I would be perfectly fine with telling her.

[00:55:11] CHRIS: And you seem like such a grounded, well-spoken person. You seem like you got it together. Would you say how would you say this has affected you? Like, are you are you a happy person or do you think you’re as happy as you can be or is this holding you back?

[00:55:28] CALLER: I do think I can be happier. You know, in that aspect of my life, because, you know, I’m getting to the age now of oh, who are you dating or you know? You know, I’m a teacher. I had two jobs. I’m a teacher in one of my jobs. And, you know, my kids are you know, I walk into class one day and my kids are like, hey, we created you an e-harmony account, and I was like oh, my God, what am I doing with life?

[00:56:01] CHRIS: These kids are trying to help.

[00:56:04] CALLER: And I mean… I mean, it’s just one of those things to where, you know, I have I do a lot with my life. I’m very involved in my community. And like I said, I have two jobs. You know, I have… I just have a lot of different friend groups, you know, and some of them cross over into each other and some of them don’t at all. And, you know, the comfortable thing is that with my life, you know, I have some friend groups who, you know, know this, you know life, you know, this kind of bisexual lifestyle, kind of. You know? You know, I told you you know, college was where things have since, you know, there’d be some, you know parties we’d go to and then, you know, next thing you know, everybody’s making out with each other and it’s just like, oh, we’re that close to each other. We can do that. You know, to where some friend group, you know, would hold up or cross with their fingers at me if I ever told them a crazy story like that.

[00:57:09] CHRIS: So you got you had your friends that you partied with in college, you had the, you had the more hippie vibe, the more free and easy vibe. That’s good. You got these people.

[00:57:20] CALLER: Yeah. I mean it was, I mean it blows my mind sometimes like I mean I really feel like I have, you know, my friends from home. You know, I have my friends from college. I have my teammates because I did sport in college, I have them, that’s a group. And then now I have my, my education friends now I have you know, I work at a hospital too, so I have my hospital friends. You know, I mean, I just have all these different groups of people and, you know, some are definitely more open minded than others, which is been good for me. That has kept me somewhat sane and, you know, these past few years.

[00:58:00] CHRIS: And you know what? You sound like you’re somebody who’s so great at making friends. That’s not going to stop. And if any of these friends walk away, you got more than enough friends to replace them. And I bet by next June, you’re going to have your other friends, who you can go to the pride events with and that’ll be your next crew of friends. And I’m psyched about it.

[00:58:19] CALLER: I think so.

[00:58:20] CHRIS: And I hope there’s other people out there listening right now who maybe have these same sort of feelings, who are hearing you sort them out, who feel less alone right now. You’re doing a service for the people like you who are in the same situation as you. I think that’s beautiful. And most of all, there is a lot of parents that listen to this show and a lot of moms that listen to this show. And I bet there are a whole bunch of them right now whose hearts are hurting because they know that if their kid ever came to them and said, hey, ma, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m not totally straight. I bet they’d just go, OK. What do you want for dinner? Because that’s really the only appropriate response. It’s really the only response in 2018 that matters. And I hope there’s parents maybe hearing this who are going, you know, if my kid ever said something like that to me, I’m going to make sure they know that this should be easy and not hard. And I hope there’s other people listening who maybe who have been sitting on some feelings. I’m going to go feel those feelings and give myself permission to do it. Because it’s a burden, right? It’s a burden to hang on to all this bullshit.

[00:59:17] CALLER: And I mean, I just you know, I when I’m teaching and, you know, I’m telling my kids to be who they are. You know what I mean? You know, be who you are. And, you know, stand up for what you believe in, love is love, and then I mean, I think it’s just the last piece of the puzzle, I mean, to happen.

[00:59:37] CHRIS: Is being, is being a teacher… I would would guess is that one of the concerns? Because then you get the, you’re right, you get the classic closed minded parents are really like I don’t want my kids around that.

[00:59:48] CALLER: Where I teach it’s not really a problem. I think my students would be kind of shocked just from the fact that I think, I really think their first comment would be, like, why didn’t you tell us? Because the kids I have are really I mean, they are just oh, I mean, I don’t know if it’s so much with the generation now that, you know, we say it’s horrible and horrible, but there’s a lot of good in the generation that at least I’m teaching. I mean, I teach high school. So I got all kids, you know, all four grades there. I mean, there there are still some really good kids that are just as open minded and accepting and with them, I mean, it’s just one of the things I want to do it so I can be more honest with them.

[01:00:39] CHRIS: Yeah, that’s beautiful. You’re someone who likes to do things in the service of others. And I think that that, what a beautiful thing to even think of this very pronounced sort of hurdle that you’re getting over to think of that. That’s beautiful to hear that one of the motivators is you want to do that to set a good example and to to be more honest with others. Are there any are there any things you’ve wanted to do that you’ve been unable to do? That you’re looking forward to doing once, once you put this all out there?

[01:01:14] CALLER: Really just being, you know, I guess to phrase it, more public with it. I mean, it’s kind of one of those things you asked me a little bit ago, you know, are you dating? You know, I mean, that’s kind of been you know, I haven’t been in a relationship in over two years now. It’s probably been a little over two years. And, you know, that’s, you know, kind of one of the things that’s holding me back, you know. Because I’m just like, you need to figure your own shit out first, right?

[01:01:50] CHRIS: Right, right.

[01:01:51] CALLER: And because I don’t want to put, you know, putting somebody in that position, you know, because I dated this one girl who her last two boyfriends ended up being gay and I was like, oh, God. Here comes number three for ya.

[01:02:09] CHRIS: So as soon as she started saying it you’re like, fuuuuck.

[01:02:14] CALLER: It was insane. I was like, you did not just say that. And then you want… well the universe as crazy as you know. So you want to know something even more crazy? It turns out she, my ex-girlfriend is now dating the brother of one of my students that I have. And I’m just like, oh, God. And like, won’t that be a day when you…

[01:02:39] CHRIS: Hey, I was saying when I was in high school, nobody came out in high school. They waited. They waited ’till college or later. Now I think high school kids do. Do you have any students who are out of the closet?

[01:02:50] CALLER: Yeah, I do have. This past year, I had two kids actually come out, which is really awesome for them because I mean, they’re both really young. They still got, you know, one or two years left of high school. And, you know, it’s not like they came out to me. But, you know, you always hear kids talking amongst themselves, you know, at sports events. You just hear you just hear a lot of gossip and all this. And, you know, I think it’s you know, of course, it makes me think like, wow, like I can’t imagine being that brave, you know, to… you know, for for a guy who wants to come to school and paint his fingernails would be like, yep, like this is me now. I’m just like, you rock, like tell me if anybody bugs you because I’ll, you know, take care of them.

[01:03:42] CHRIS: That’s great. That’s great. And then you’re gonna come out because you promised yourself and you’re starting that process right here on Beautiful Anonymous. And then the next kid that comes out is gonna know: I got somebody who’s got my back. I got somebody else who’s got my back. That’s awesome. That’s awesome. Would you, would you say you’ve ever been in love? Have you been in love before, or is this something that you can’t be certain of until you explore yourself fully?

[01:04:13] CALLER: Yeah, that’s always that’s such a great question, isn’t it?

[01:04:20] CHRIS: Why, thank you.

[01:04:22] CALLER: I really don’t… I don’t know, I always think love love is changing. And I know one of the things that I keep blowing my own mind with through every year that I get older. I don’t know, and you may be going through it too. Like, have you ever been like so like when I was 18, you know, getting ready to graduate high school, I was like, this is who I am, this is me, I know exactly what I want, this is these are my goals, blah, blah, blah. And then a year goes by and you’re 19. And so much has changed. And you’re like, man, that’s not what I wanted at all. This isn’t who I am. This is what I want, this is who I am. And it like changes with that every year. And like, I’m 25 and I just keep thinking back, like, how dumb were you at 21 thinking you knew everything you wanted and like you still keep changing.

[01:05:16] CHRIS: That never goes away in my experience. Thirty eight years old and I’m like, maybe I don’t want to do comedy. I’m 38, I’m 38, been doing it since I was 19, that’s half my life. I’m like, maybe I should do something else. Never stops

[01:05:33] CALLER: Until I find myself, you know, like because I’ve been in relations where I’m just like, oh, I’m going to marry this girl this is perfect we’re going to have this many kids. And then you’re just like, well, you know, this is not what I wanted, you know, kind of like a jumping ship thing. And I feel like, with my relationships, you know, they kind of all started like, oh, this is good, this is new. There’s, I don’t know possibility here. And then, you know, a year into it, it’s kind of just like I don’t know if it’s just reality that sits in or it’s just unaddressed, you know, internal issues or, you know, emotions that I have where I’m just like, I don’t think this is the person who I thought I was. And then it changes, so I think I’ve… I don’t know, felt love for people that I’ve been in a relationship with, I don’t know, like in love in love I’m kind of like that hopeless romantic where I’m just like, you know, love will be when love sticks. I don’t know, I probably butchered that, trying to be nuts?

[01:06:46] CHRIS: No, I think that’s cool. I think that’s cool, do you think there was… Was there any part of you that was; this is a reach. The guy that you were leaning on, was he more of a confidant? Or was there part of you that was like, I’m into this guy. Was there love there?

[01:07:01] CALLER: I was really, really into it. I really was. But I never really said that to him, actually.

[01:07:12] CHRIS: Yeah. Why did you guys lose touch?

[01:07:18] CALLER: Well, after he came out, you know, he, you know, he was kind of already, you know, he was doing the dating and everything, you know, anyway even though he wasn’t like officially out to his family and friends, you know, he was going on dates, and you know, it’d be kind of one of those things where we’d talk at night, he’d tell me how his date went, he’d ask me, you know, what should I wear? I don’t think I like this person. You know, we just talked about that and you know, when you do that, you do that, you share all these things. And, you know, I kind of obviously got attached and when he came out, you know we actually we quit talking back in this past March and it was kind of one of those things where he was like going on a date and he was kind of getting… I guess he had been serious with a guy; gone on a few dates and he was like, I don’t think you and I should keep talking if I’m going to try to make this work. And then, of course, me at that point, you know, it had been over a year since we’ve been talking at that point. And I kind of took it a little personal, but I also was like, you know, you’re right. I’m like, I’m not even out yet, so why am I getting mad? And I kind of felt bad because I was like, yeah, you deserve to be with somebody who’s not afraid to be who they were. So I kind of like punished myself. And I was like, all right. I’m like, yeah, we we should probably quit talking all this, blah, blah, blah. And so we stopped.

[01:08:58] CHRIS: Yeah. Are you gonna… Not in an effort to rekindle any friendship or any feelings, but are you going to let him know that you came out?

[01:09:07] CALLER: I told myself I was not going to contact him, ‘cos he did, I mean, I sent him a big message. I was like, I understand, you know, I was like… And then he tried to reach out to me. He, you know, he tried to get a hold of me and I was just like, you know, I’m like, I, and I made this deal with myself. I’m always making deals with myself. I was like I will not talk to him until I am out. So that is, that was, that is my plan. If you’re like, I can’t be honest with myself, you know, I don’t want to waste his time. And who knows whether it would even happen, because he lives in Canada.

[01:09:50] CHRIS: Right. Right. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to him just to know. Just to know that you went for it. I would have to imagine it would just be a good idea.

[01:10:01] CALLER: Yeah, I do feel like I would like, like him to know. Be like hey, thanks for being there. You know, I did it. Thanks for, you know, making me not scared.

[01:10:14] CHRIS: Yeah. Do you have any… Do you have any role models? Do you have any like like public… like I know for me, I got to tell you, you might still be off Facebook, it sounds like. But every once in awhile, the video of Ellen Page coming out pops up and I shed a tear every time. Or that video of the kid. Everybody’s going to know what I’m talking about, everybody who’s Facebook is going to know. That punk rock teenager who comes out to his mom; and his mom’s, like seems just like a regular Midwestern lady and she immediately – he’s so scared, he’s crying – and she’s like, no, I know, been waiting for you to tell me, what are you doing? And I cry and I cry and I cry because the world has a lot more love than it used to, it seems. So you read the news and there’s so much hate, but man, is there also just more love. Anybody jump out, anybody, anybody inspire you to be like, I’m going to go for it. Fuck it.

[01:11:06] CALLER: I mean. Publicly I mean I’m all about, I mean, you’re into comedy and stuff, so I don’t know how you feel about, you know, I’m off social media but I try as much as I can to follow, like, you know, what Chelsea Handler has been doing. I don’t know if you follow Chelsea Handler at all.

[01:11:27] CHRIS: I know… Chelsea’s old stuff, I haven’t caught up on the Netflix show, the old show I liked and I liked how many comics were getting opportunities from it for sure. A few people launched their careers from that show.

[01:11:37] CALLER: The one she did on Netflix was actually really, you know, obviously in light of recent events, it had a more political twist on it. You know, she brought in a lot of, you know, Congress people and people who are [UNINTELLIGIBLE] she’s always just always advocating for rights of everybody, you know? Doesn’t matter your race, ethnicity.

[01:12:00] CHRIS: Yeah.

[01:12:01] CALLER: You know, sexual orientation. And, you know, she even like is taking time off from Netflix to travel and, you know, be speaking on campuses about, you know, your vote does matter and all this stuff. I mean, in the past year… I’ve always liked or even in high school, I loved her. I mean, just recently she’s really been just what I’ve been like, yes. Like you are awesome taking time off your schedule.

[01:12:28] CHRIS: That’s awesome. We got to wrap thing up, we got to wrap things up. The bell’s about to go off. I want to reiterate to you that I’m so flattered that you shared this with me. I know how scary this can be, let alone on a platform where you know that a lot of people are listening to it. But I tell you, there’s probably a lot of people who are scared and aren’t as ready as you are. And I bet they’re a little more ready because they heard you. And I bet there’s a lot of people in families who are going to think a little bit differently about their brother, their sister or their kid when their kid decides to have a talk with them. I think it’s really cool and I’m so lucky to be a part of it. I think you’re going to come out…

[01:13:07] CALLER: Well thank you for listening to it. It means so much.

[01:13:09] CHRIS: It’s my pleasure. I think you’re going to come out. I think you’re going to feel free to have fun. Let your guard down. Go be with who you want to be in public. Go out on a date. Sit outside on the sidewalk, across from the person you want to and don’t worry about who’s watching. And just feel that love and let it be true. And don’t apologize for it. And it can be in real life, doesn’t just have to be on the internet anymore. Or if it is I’m not going to you know I’m not judging that either. But you’re going to go out, you’re still young you’re going to have so much fun. And it’s going to be so much easier than you think. And I’m so excited for you because you’re giving yourself the chance to go do that. And I want to send all my love your way.

[01:14:01] CHRIS: You’re crying?

[01:14:04] CALLER: Just got me choked up Chris.

[01:14:06] CHRIS: Right at the end. I’m good at my job ,I’m good my job. So much good luck to you. So much love to you.

[01:14:12] CALLER: Thank you. Well. I always said, you know what I said if I ever got on this show?

[01:14:20] CHRIS: What’s that?

[01:14:22] CALLER: I said I’d get a tattoo of my episode number. [ring]

[01:14:28] CHRIS: [music transition] Caller. As soon as we disconnected. I tell you. I turned to Jared and Harry and I said, I hope you get a follow up from that caller. You don’t have to do it publicly, but but let us know how it goes. Believe this is episode 120. Maybe someday I’ll meet you out there. Maybe I’ll be in your town. And I’ll do a show and afterwards you come up ,show me the 120 tattoo. And I tell you I’ll probably burst out crying becuase I’ll be so happy. Happy for you, happy for what you’re about to commence. I hope it goes so well. I hope it goes easy and if anybody judges you for it, well I’m not gonna be one of those people. You come to New York City won’t judge you here or many of the other places in this world you’ll not be judged. You’re loved, you’re free to be yourself. And I love it I love it I love it. I’ll stop rambling now. Thank you for trusting me with that story. Thank you for calling. Thank you to Jared. For… as always, for being in the booth. And also, I was joking with Jared. You guys know, I think you guys know I have a computer up here where Jared can ask any questions. And, as you heard during the call, Jared said, hey, put this out It’ll help. And I thought that was so cool to. Thank you Jared O’Connell, thank you to Harry Nelson, thank you Shellshag for the music. Thanks, Reverend John Delore, thanks Gretta Cohen for building the show. Chrisgeth.com is my Web site. I got dates. I’m going out on the road. Not just America anymore. All over America, but also Canada and even London, ChrisGeth.com for the ticket links. You want to help Beautiful Anonymous? Go on Apple podcast rate, review, subscribe. It really does help a lot. I’m lucky I get to do this. I’ll see you guys next time.