Beyond The Holidays: The Santa Podcast

You know, usually I write about television on this here blog, but I thought, for the holiday season, why not write something that has to do with podcasts. It may perfect sense, as podcasts are clearly the future of entertainment. I’m not just saying that because I am writing for a blog on a podcast website. I’m writing it because Earwolf gave me a week’s worth of cocaine to do so (and I go through a ton of coke, so this was not an insignificant expense for them). Plus, I had an idea that synergizes the holidays, podcasts and the piece I wrote earlier this week about TV shows and Santa “St. Nick” Claus.

I know what you’re thinking: “Say, what if Santa were real and he had a podcast?” Well, maybe you weren’t thinking that, but now you’ve read that sentence and at least the concept is in your brain now. That’s close enough. Since this isn’t an actual possibility, I can’t “foresee” what it would look like, but I can make up a bunch of stuff for fun. It’s like when Nostradamus used to take a bunch of mescaline and spitball ideas when he got tired of seeing the future.

It would make sense that Santa would have a podcast, since the guy probably has a bunch of stories to tell and a ton of things to rant about. I mean, the guy sees everything and he’s been alive for centuries. That’s a wealth of material. I don’t think Santa would bother with guests or a co-host. He’d just go solo. I imagine it would be like the beginning of Mark Maron’s WTF podcast, before he gets to the interview.

What does Santa think about all his portrayals in the media? Which one is his favorite? Does he like Bad Santa? Does he miss Bernie Mac? He probably has a ton to say about toys as well. Plus, the dude has flying reindeer, he hangs out with elves and he’s been married for a long, long time. There has to be some stories there. Maybe he can talk about when he used to hang out with Black Peter. That guy used to abduct naughty children. What was it like to spend time with him? Lastly, I’m sure he’s seen some funny (crazy) stuff while doing his job. Not just people banging but, come on, it would be mostly about seeing people banging. Also, I’m sure he would be able to generate a ton of content. He’s got a ton of free time most of the year.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.