Beyond The Holidays: The Santa Series
You may not be aware of this, but Christmas is just around the corner. If you aren’t aware, you are presumably in some sort of sensory deprivation chamber. And you’re probably not reading this. At the very least, you haven’t watched any TV, which means you don’t realize you need to buy your wife/girlfriend some jewelry or else HOW WILL SHE KNOW YOU LOVE HER? Anyway, if you didn’t know, now you know…and knowing is a not insignificant portion of the battle.
Given the season, there is a ton of Christmas related television programming on right now, including but not limited to a Shrek-based special called “Shrek the Halls.” However, why does all this Christmas programming need to be consigned to a month or so a year? Christmas, and all of its trappings, is very popular. Santa Claus especially. I mean, he can sell Coca-Cola, and that stuff is terrible! Santa and Santa-related things: the North Pole, elves, reindeer and the creepy omnipresent voyeurism remain as beloved as ever. So why can’t there be a Santa Claus TV show?
There is no good reason Hollywood is denying us all from year-round Santa Claus programming. There was once a show where a guy built a robot daughter. Anything is possible. While a Santa TV show is a future inevitability, the only mystery is which channel will take the plunge. Sometimes the future is hazy that way, especially when it fits a comedic premise. As such, here are several possibilities for a future Santa show depending on which network gets in the spirit first.
NBC
A mockumentary workplace comedy about life in Santa’s toy shop. Santa is portrayed as a bumbling, but good-hearted, buffoon, who the elves have to tolerate in order to make ends meet. There will be many disbelieving glances at the camera, particularly when Santa makes inappropriate jokes about the height of the elves. It will get low ratings.
CBS
The show will be more or less CSI: North Pole. Santa, in addition to his job as deliverer of gifts and joy, solves brutal, gory crimes, often of a sexually graphic nature, most of which involve elves. He will not be allowed to say “fuck” because I mean we can’t have that on television, am I right? However, because Santa sees everything, the crimes get solved really easily and the show is pretty uneventful. It still gets huge ratings. Eventually, the actor who plays Santa will leave the show and the character will be replaced by Ted Danson.
FOX
An animated comedy, Santa will spend all of his time hanging out with caricatures of celebrities and getting into wacky adventures. Also, the reindeer can talk.
The CW
Santa Claus is now in his 40s and played by Peter Gallagher. The male elves are all ripped dudes who work shirtless for no reason. Then, a new lady elf shows up. She’s beautiful but she just doesn’t realize it, and will she ever gain the confidence to date Chad, who is, like, the coolest elf ever? Plus, they are all in high school for some reason. You know, learning to make toys and stuff?
Comedy Central
Santa, played by Michael Ian Black, and Mrs. Claus, played by Michael Showalter in drag, bicker their way through life as the most powerful couple in the world. It will be cancelled after one season.
AMC
Santa has become disenchanted with his life. He decides to dedicate part of his toy workshop to drug manufacturing. And he delivers his high quality stuff while also continuing to deliver toys. He also takes up with a woman, often sneaking off from the North Pole to see her, while Mrs. Claus begins an affair with an elf. Then, one day, Santa’s main drug making elf turns up dead. Was he murdered? And is Santa next?
Showtime
Exactly like the AMC show, but with a lot more gratuitous sex scenes.
Starz
Like the Showtime show, but almost entirely gratuitous sex scenes.
TV Land
Santa, played by Ed Asner, is now retired and widowed. So he decides to move to Florida, where he lives with two roommates, played by TV legends to be named later. However, when his replacement isn’t up to snuff, Santa is forced out of retirement and back into the toy grind. He can’t do it alone, so he brings his two roommates with him. Hilarity ensues as Santa tries to get his groove back.
TBS
In Tyler Perry’s Santa, Santa is now played by a black guy in a fat suit and every female character stands in the way of his happiness.
USA
Santa lives at the North Pole, he travels by a sled pulled by flying reindeer and he hangs out with a bunch of elves. He sounds perfect for a USA mystery solving hour as one of their many quirky protagonists.
Bravo
Santa oversees a contest in which a bunch of elves vie to work in his toyshop. Also, this one sort of implies Santa Claus is real, which is weird, right? What the hell is going on here? I certainly don’t have the answers. Ask the guy who runs Bravo. To reiterate, I want everybody who is reading this to find the guy who runs Bravo and proceed to ask him, “Why are you going to have a show that implies Santa is real in the future?” Then, get back to me. Thanks.
Playboy Channel
Honestly, this show will only be tangentially related to Santa, inasmuch as it involved a fat old guy with a bushy white beard. Also, he’s into some seriously kinky shit. Eventually, some really short people will get involved. That’s close enough to Christmas, right?
Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.