Do These Glasses Make Me Look Dumb?
There was a time when glasses implied a certain level of “book learning,” a time when most people got by with squinting and pointing. I mean how bad did you need to read anyway? Horses didn’t even have iPod adaptors back then. At this point however, everyone needs to know how to read. Otherwise you couldn’t play a lot of cool videogames. And there’s no way the dumb-dumbs would give up their video games.
So, you need to read. So what? Cool people need to read, too, and they always hated glasses, so much so that some really cool person invented contact lenses, which are like glasses, only they sit on your eyeball…such a daredevil move. Then, as if that wasn’t proof enough, some people came along who were so cool and so daring they decided to not only fix eye sight but to do it with lasers. Bad-fucking-ass. So. who’s wearing glasses these days? Dumb, lazy con artists…or of course those wacky poor people.
Glasses have become tedious, from spec-porn, to Glee, to internet memes of Disney princesses in thick glasses, pouring out their world worn souls, dripping with sarcasm and irony, we have played out the geek/nerd thing. We can’t all be, “Outcasts,” it makes outcasts a singular demographic ripe for exploitation, and boy is it ever. This “geek-chic” look is so ham-fistedly thrust down our throats, at this point, it can only be the doings of marketing wizards. And who sucks harder at the tit of the advertisers than anyone? Stupid valley girl Urban Outfitter hipsters. But they’re not Valley Girls you say! They wear floral print dresses! They voted for Obama! They read! Sometimes even books! Yes, there are books in Urban Outfitters, like Where The Wild Things Are and books written by Chelsea Handler (heavy stuff). And in case you can’t tell you’re in the book section, it’s RIGHT NEXT TO THE FAKE PRESCRIPTION GLASSES. Imply intelligence and knowledge is cooler than actually trusting their own understanding of the world. If you’re so smart, ditch the vain-aesthetic of intelligence and let them fix your eyes…with lasers!
In spite of bad vision being virtually cured, people still assume glasses are a sign of intelligence. They’re not, look at Sarah Palin. Do you honestly think Sarah has had even one day living as an outcast? Outcasts do not marry hotshot snow mobiling dudes named Todd. (Beyond the glasses, it is a tragedy what Sarah Palin has done to the otherwise dope red blazer look). I mean I get it, whenever I have an interview for a job I’m not qualified for OF COURSE I wear my glasses. (Sneaky, I know. I’m the worst.) They’re like a letter of recommendation from God himself. He works so hard that I took away his eyesight! People see glasses and, in their mind, it’s all, “yippy skippy I found a smarty-pants!” But nooooo, you’re just being manipulated based on decades-old prejudices, using a backwoods understanding of the world and getting conned out of money and a ton, a literal TON of office supplies.
The only people left actually wearing glasses that should be are those with very very fucked up eyes or <cough> the poor. Tough break, gang. Rest those peepers. This isn’t about you. Glasses are right up there with corsets, high heels and toupees: a cheap gimmick in the quiver of dumb lazy con artists. But not you, of course! Your glasses look cool.