January 16, 2023
Is it ok to date multiple people at the same time? A 25-year-old asks Geth to help her choose between 3 guys that are interested in her. She opens up about getting dumped, becoming a serial Hinge dater, and not wanting to hurt other people. They also discuss the importance of having fun while you’re young and how to stop thinking so hard.
354 — Dating 3 People At Once
Chris [00:00:04] Hello to everybody who’s ready to share an overly detailed story of heartbreak. It’s Beautiful/Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hi, everybody. Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful/Anonymous. I feel so lucky that I get to do this show. We are in a new year. It’s a big transition year for me. A lot of stuff’s changing in my life. I’m going to tell you guys more about that. We’re going to do the beautiful con also in May. I’m getting a new job. I’m going to start telling people about that. I know people have been on the show, listeners know that I applied to grad school. I’m not going to attend grad school, but it’s because I got another cool thing happening that ties into that. Anyway, so much to tell you about in the months coming up. In the days coming up, I got cool stuff happening as well. Guess what? This episode comes out on January 18th, 2023. If you’re in Brooklyn, that means tonight on the 18th, I’m doing improv at the BCC with my friend Tammy Sager, doing two shows. And Tammy’s the best. She’s an absolutely brilliant human being. Come out and see us. On the 26th I’ll be at Littlefield doing my full hour of comedy. It’s going to be great show, Petey DeAbreu, Christy Cello, and Adam Pally are all doing that show with me. Pittsburgh on the 28th. Beautiful/Anonymousus taping as of this recording, not sold out. So maybe if you’re in the Pittsburgh area, you want to come on out. I think that might be our last Beautiful/Anonymous taping on the road at least for the first half of the year, because we’re going to buckle it down before we do that Beautiful Cononymous in May. ChrisGeth.com for tickets to all of these, everybody. Thanks for indulging me. Hey, this call is wild. It’s all over the place. Our caller is looking for dating advice. A 25 year old caller asking dating advice of me, a 42 year old man. And I don’t know exactly how I’m qualified, but I’ll try. She’s a bit of an admitted serial dater hitting up the apps. Now she’s off the apps. She’s got three guys. Her dog interrupts. Everybody loves when a dog shows up. And this is one of those ones that I think people have always loved from this show, where it’s a little wild, a little unpredictable. We’re never sure what’s going to happen. There’s heartbreak, there’s encouragement, and there’s stories of love along the way. Enjoy it, everybody.
Voicemail Robot [00:02:55] Thank you for calling Beautiful/Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.
Caller [00:03:02] Hello?
Chris [00:03:03] Hi.
Caller [00:03:04] Hi. Is this Chris?
Chris [00:03:07] It’s Chris.
Caller [00:03:08] Oh, my God. I made it through. This is crazy. Hi. How are you? Can you hear me okay?
Chris [00:03:15] I can hear you okay. Can you hear me okay?
Caller [00:03:17] I can hear you great. I can’t believe this is happening to me right now. I’m, like, having a transcendental moment.
Chris [00:03:23] That’s awful- that makes a guy feel good.
Caller [00:03:25] So good to be talking to you. How are you?
Chris [00:03:28] I’m pretty good. I was traveling for work. I booked an acting gig in Vancouver, and I was there for a week. And it’s a lovely city, but I missed my family. Got home yesterday. My son- my son was playing on the front lawn with his neighborhood friends when I pulled up. It was great. And now I’ve been home setting up Halloween decorations all day and I’m feeling good about it.
Caller [00:03:52] What’s your son being for Halloween?
Chris [00:03:54] Are you familiar with a little show called PJ Masks?
Caller [00:03:57] You know, I am actually. I have a little sibling as well. So.
Chris [00:04:03] So, you know, PJ mask. PJ Masks are a very popular cartoon for little kids with three little kid superheroes. And my son. My son has decided that he wants to be Cat Boy. And he said, I’m going to be Cat Boy, Daddy, you should be Gecko and mommy should be Owlette. So I immediately went online and ordered an adult sized gecko costume that I’ll wear once. My wife, who’s a smarter person and cares about the earth, went and bought like red leggings because she’s like, I’m not going to buy an Owlette costume when I could just build one, and then I could wear the leggings to the gym and not just be wasting, you know, just killing the earth. Whereas I was like, Yeah, I’ll be Gecko.
Caller [00:04:50] She’s a forward thinker. She’s thinking ahead.
Chris [00:04:52] She is.
Caller [00:04:53] So that’s why you need her.
Chris [00:04:54] She’s a conscientious person who cares about the world. Whereas I’m like, Yeah, you be Cat Boy, I’ll be Gecko. Let’s do this, dude!
Caller [00:05:03] Oh, man, I’m so excited. I hope you post about it. I love little kids Halloween costumes. I think they look adorable. My brother was Chapo, who’s like, I’m pretty sure he’s like a like a bandit or something from Mexico last year. It was hilarious. My dad-.
Chris [00:05:21] The famous drug kingpin?
Caller [00:05:22] Yeah, the drugs, the drug guy. That’s what my little baby brother-
Chris [00:05:26] How old is your brother?
Caller [00:05:28] He is four.
Chris [00:05:31] And your parent- and your parents are dressing him up as notorious drug smuggler El Chapo?
Caller [00:05:38] Correct. That is correct.
Chris [00:05:39] That’s bad ass. I like that.
Caller [00:05:42] This is also the same dad that dropped me down three flights of stairs when I was a baby. And he frequently says, How did you survive? So, I mean, not to call into question my father’s parenting ability, but.
Chris [00:05:54] How do you drop a baby down three flights of stairs? You’d think after the first one…
Caller [00:05:59] I dropped and then I rolled.
Chris [00:06:01] For three flights? Ooh, that’s scary. Now, can I ask how old you are?
Caller [00:06:04] Yeah. I am 25.
Chris [00:06:08] 25. And your parents gave you a four year old sibling?
Caller [00:06:12] Yeah. There is quite a bit of an age gap. My dad got remarried. He like, you know, a couple of years ago, decided to start a family over. Well, my parents are both pretty young. I mean, it’s so funny to think about, because by the time my mom was my age, she was already married and, like, having kids. And I’m so far off from that. So, you know. Times, they are a changing.
Chris [00:06:39] Yeah.
Caller [00:06:40] You can hear my dog, this absolute psycho next to me.
Chris [00:06:43] I haven’t heard a thing.
Caller [00:06:44] He’s like, Okay, good. She’s like, anytime I’m home, she’s ready to play. No matter what time of day it is. I could get home at three in the morning and she’s like, Oh, my God, Perfect time to get a squeaker toy going for all the neighbors to hear.
Chris [00:07:01] Mmhmm. Psycho dog. I look forward to hearing the psycho dog at some point in the call. I think I speak for all of our listeners when I say that, and I will be sad if we don’t hear the psycho dog at some point.
Caller [00:07:11] Oh, trust me, as soon as one dog walks- It’s so funny, actually. She if she sees a dog walking, she’ll be big and bad and she’ll bark her head off and be all crazy. But then if we’re actually outside and a dog gets within a foot of her, she’ll run away. I’m like, Where is this attitude? Where’s where’s all this, you know, macho energy?
Chris [00:07:34] It’s good to have a psycho dog in your life.
Caller [00:07:37] Yeah, she’s a good one. But anyway, um, I guess I can get into why I called today. I know this isn’t like an advice podcast, but I would love to hear your perspective on my story of, like, heartbreak and redemption and all that stuff. I feel like you’re a qualified person to talk about that.
Chris [00:07:58] I am as qualified as I am to talk about anything, which is to say not qualified at all, but I’m happy to give it a shot.
Caller [00:08:05] That’s not true! You’re like married and happy and successful. That’s like super qualified to give advice about-
Chris [00:08:14] I’m definitely married. I have happy days and sad days, and I was definitely more successful five or six years ago. But if you’re comfortable taking advice from someone on that track, happy to offer it up.
Caller [00:08:26] Perfect. Well, where to begin? I guess I’ll begin as beginning. Um, I, without giving any details away of like myself or my location, basically, I was in a relationship in college, and it was all four years of college. We went to school kind of nearby to where I grew up, and it was great for me because I’d be really, really close to my family. You know. It wasn’t I was not ready to, like, move away from my family when I was like 18 and impressionable. So I was really happy to go to school there. And then right after college, because I was in this like committed relationship and I kind of like saw my life going in one direction, I moved with him across the country and it was like the first time that I had ever, like, really left this area. And it was really scary at first, but I kind of like had confidence in what we had, like the plans that we had made for ourselves. So I was like… I was like, scared, but confident, if that makes sense.
Chris [00:09:42] Sure. Sure.
Caller [00:09:45] Yeah. I was ready for a new adventure. And I was out there for a few months. Everything was okay. It was really hard for me to be away. I kind of struggle with depression, anxiety, like those types of things. So moving, like any big change is going to throw me into kind of a little bit of a uncomfortable place. But it was it was fine. And we were doing so well, like we made a lot of… Big like family choices, I guess for us to, like, start building our life together. And then all of a sudden he broke up with me. And kind of like, for all intents and purposes, like kind of like kicks me out. He didn’t really kick me out, but he was kind of putting me in a place where I had no choice but to leave because he was like, You basically have to go or else like, I can’t like, I’m not going to stay here, so I’m going to go so you can stay here. But you also have like a family back home that will take you. And I was like, okay, well, I obviously can’t afford this place by myself, so if you’re not going to stay here and help me, then I kind of have to go, right? So I packed up all my stuff and all by myself I drove all the way across the country and I came home and then I was kind of in a really bad headspace for a long time because I kind of was like, What kind of happened? What went wrong? I didn’t really see it coming. It was out of nowhere. And then obviously I’m talking to my friends and they’re like, Oh, well, he definitely cheated on you, and that’s why all this happened. But I don’t know. To me, it was like the person that I knew, I couldn’t imagine that happening. So I was just a little bit in a bad space for a good long while. And then after the bad times came the hoe phase where I was like, Forget it. The best way to, like, get over somebody is like, date a bunch of other people. And so I became a serial Hinge dater. Are you aware of like, those kind of people?
Chris [00:11:56] I can’t say that I am.
Caller [00:11:58] Okay, well, there’s been like news articles about them and stuff like people who, like, kind of go on these dates, not really for, to like, find somebody, but just kind of like for selfish reasons to like, you know, like, go out and have fun and, like, be kind of spoiled, but you kind of know that you’re not going to end up with that person.
Chris [00:12:21] Hmm hmm. Hmm hmm. So you’re playing the game. You’re playing the game.
Caller [00:12:25] Oh, a little bit. So I played the game for a while. I went on, like, so many dates with all these different people. And honestly, in retrospect, I feel kind of bad because they were all very good people. And I would find the little things about people that I don’t like and fixate on that and kind of rewrite my story as like, That’s why it’s not working, because it’s like this one little thing that I don’t like. Like his nose is awkwardly shaped or he talks really weird or his voice is too high pitched or he’s not tall enough or he’s not muscular enough. Like all of these, like, superficial things, right? And then I was like, Well, now I’m a bad person because I’m being super superficial and not like actually looking at a person for what they are. So then I decided the hoe phase is over. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m not going on these dates. And I deleted all these apps off my phone. Like you’ve never done a dating app, right? That was like, These kind of happened…
Chris [00:13:27] Yeah, I started dating my wife in 2012, so that was like right before everybody was on- I think it was right as everyone was signing up for the dating apps. Right? There was OkCupid and there were websites and things like that. But Tinder and Hinge and Bumble and the apps, those hadn’t really hit yet.
Caller [00:13:50] It was a dark place out there on these dating apps, let me tell you. It was rough out there.
Chris [00:13:58] I feel like that’s a statement that’s been true since the beginning of time. It’s rough out there. Dating is hard. Yep, I think everybody feels that at some point. Who’s the who’s who’s the sociopath out there going, No, dating was always very seamless and easy for me. Oh, boy. Anyway, we’ll be right back. Thanks to all of our advertisers who allow us to bring the show to the world. Now, let’s get back to the phone call.
Caller [00:14:25] It was a dark place out there on these dating apps, let me tell you. It was rough out there.
Chris [00:14:31] I mean, I would my life would have been a hilarious disaster. I yeah, it was bad. Look, you’re talking about how you had your hoe phase, I had my hoe phase. I was with somebody on and off eight years, and we broke up for a year in the middle, and I had a little hoe phase. And then we broke up, and I had a little hoe phase till I met my wife. Is it okay for me to use the phrase hoe phase? It feels okay. It feels natural. Everybody knows what we’re talking about.
Caller [00:15:03] Oh, my God. So you had an eight year long hoe phase? I can’t do this for eight years.
Chris [00:15:07] No, I didn’t have an eight- I had an eight year long committed relationship. And then a hoe phase coming out of it.
Caller [00:15:14] So like, how did you get yourself out of the hoe phase?
Chris [00:15:17] I met my wife and I said, I need to shape up.
Caller [00:15:20] Well, you know what? That’s kind of like not something that- I don’t think the perfect woman like your wife is going to, like, come in or like, the perfect guy in my, my example, I don’t think that that’s gonna happen to me.
Chris [00:15:34] If it had been, because that was also when I was like, I was on Broad City and living in Brooklyn. Do you understand what life was like to be a minor character on Broad City and living in Brooklyn in 2014?
Caller [00:15:46] I mean, that sounds like it would be like, that sounds like the kind of life that you like see on New York City sitcoms and stuff like that.
Chris [00:15:52] It was getting crazy there. It was getting crazy. What are the dating? What are the what are the big dating apps right now? What are the go tos? Is it you said Hinge? You were a Hinge person?
Caller [00:16:03] Yes. I only had the one. I was a serial Hinger. But then there’s also like, I never had Tinder because honestly, like, I don’t know if, like anybody out there with me will relate to this, but Tinder is like basically people who just want to hook up, and that’s uncomfortable for me. Like, it’s nobody that wants to, like, go out for like dinner or go do something fun, like do a fun activity. It’s kind of straight for like hook ups. So I never was on that.
Chris [00:16:38] Hinge is a little bit more known for a relationship, Tinder’s more for a hookup. And what are the other ones? What’s the rap on the other ones?
Caller [00:16:45] I feel like Bumble could go either way. I have gone on a couple of successful Bumble dates, but same thing like Bumble’s kind of more I want to say like more serious. There’s like some elite ones. There’s like, elite dating apps for that were used on my college campus and like, I know that have been used on other ones that have been like, you have to have like this minimum income bracket and you have to have gone to one of these schools in order to be on those. Those are kind of crazy.
Chris [00:17:18] Ew.
Caller [00:17:18] Yeah, but I know that those. Yeah. Right?
Chris [00:17:20] Ew. This is a dating app only for Ivy League people? Leave me off of it.
Caller [00:17:25] Yeah, I can’t. I’m so upset that I don’t remember what it’s called.
Chris [00:17:27] Fine. If that’s your priority, I’m fine. Anyway. Happily married, man.
Caller [00:17:32] Yeah.
Chris [00:17:33] So now you’re. You’re off the apps. Are you still dating?
Caller [00:17:38] I’m off the apps. So here in lies the problem. So I have gone on a couple of dates with like really nice people and now I’m like super guarded because I feel like initially, right after my breakup, this is a couple years ago, by the way. Initially, after my breakup, I was like very, very fragile and very untrusting. And then I think I did the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do. Like, you’re supposed to take time for yourself and, like, rebuild. I went to a lot of therapy. You’re supposed to, like, kind of rebuild yourself and then go out and see if you can be a stable person in a relationship with somebody else. I totally skipped that. And so I’m like, I haven’t done the rebuilding phase, right? And then I met this person who’s really, really sweet. He’s super nice, really patient with me and I think clearly likes me a lot. And I want to like him, too. And I really don’t have any reason not to, but I can’t. So that’s my issue right now. And because I can’t, I’m kind of like still open to other people and other people are coming up to me also being really sweet, also people that I can see a life with and like see a future relationship with. Because at this point, I’m done with the hoe phase, right? I don’t really want to do it anymore. I’m kind of like ready for another relationship. But something is like stopping me every single time I get to that point. And then I look at myself and I’m like, What is wrong with you? You have like, these all these people that are so sweet and so nice and are putting in so much effort for you. Like, what is the issue here? So that’s me. I’m going to be alone forever.
Chris [00:19:35] No, you’re not. No, you’re not. I promise. If that’s not- unless you choose it. But you said your you said you’re currently seeing two- did you say two? Two guys that you’re kind of feeling?
Caller [00:19:49] There’s like three guys that I’m kind of feeling.
Chris [00:19:53] Three?
Caller [00:19:53] At the moment.
Chris [00:19:55] So you’re not on the apps, but you’re still dating three guys and you kind of feelin each of them?
Caller [00:19:59] I’m kind of feeling each one. These are like people that I’ve not met on the apps, just like people that I’ve met, like in my daily life. And I’m kind of feeling each one and open to none of them. Does that make sense?
Chris [00:20:11] You’re feeling each of them, open to none of them. Okay.
Caller [00:20:16] Yeah. Yeah, it’s hard. It’s so scary, you know, because if you want to have a relationship with somebody, you have to, like, be open and vulnerable with that person. And I just, like, I think I was so heartbroken over my last relationship that the thought of, like, going through something like that again and like, all the time that it took to build myself back up- after my relationship ended, I was working across the country. I kind of built my life for that place. And then I came back and I was like, Well, now what do I do? Like all of my plans are kind of shattered. So I had to take time, build new friendships, like, meet new people. I joined a new activity kind of thing, which was a little bit out of my comfort zone. I started going to the gym and like for the first time in my life and I started to actually get strong and not be a little noodle arms individual. And now I was like kind of like building myself back up and then I felt good. But then it’s like all those other elements of life are going really well. But the one that’s like the most scary, I haven’t made any progress on it. I see that now. Like, I haven’t really made progress with that. And maybe that’s why all these great people that are there in front of me trying to get into my life, why I’m super closed off from them, and I just don’t know how to get past that.
Chris [00:21:57] Well, how can I help?
Caller [00:21:58] What’s your advice?
Chris [00:21:59] First of all, stop convincing yourself that you’re going to be alone forever. Don’t convince yourself of that. That’s my first piece of advice. It certainly.
Caller [00:22:14] Some super successful people were alone forever.
Chris [00:22:16] What’s that?
Caller [00:22:16] I mean Louisa may Alcott. She. She was, like, alone forever, right?
Chris [00:22:19] Well, if you decide you want to be alone forever, that’s great. But you said it from a point of despair. And I just want to point out that you’re like- I’ll just say, you are, you are pointing out that you’re like, I’m just scared I’m going to be alone forever. And meanwhile you’re like, And I’ve got three men who all seem like totally viable options, but I’m just not feeling it. So it doesn’t seem like you have a shortage of an ability to attract people. So if you don’t want to be alone forever, I don’t think you’re going to end up alone forever. So let’s not make that the starting point, because that can sabotage everything. If you enter everything with that mindset, right, it can sabotage everything. My first piece of advice.
Caller [00:22:59] That’s good advice.
Chris [00:23:00] You’re not convinced?
Caller [00:23:02] No, I am, like change, but, you know, easier said than done. Change the perspective. That’s basically the advice. It’s like, how do you do that?
Chris [00:23:10] Well, yeah. I mean… Because there’s something to be said for maybe approaching dating from the perspective of, is this person someone I can be with viably long term? Or am I going to be alone forever? You might be setting things up in a way where they’re living on the extremes in your mind, and you might just be able to just have some fun now and be with people who are okay with that. And now this guy who did you dirty, this guy who did you dirty, who you moved across the country and then he said, Oh, well, you could move or I could move or this or that. How long ago was the breakup?
Caller [00:23:48] How long ago was the breakup? Oh. Like after COVID, I feel like time has just not existed. I think it’s been like three years. Yeah, it’s been three years. Just about.
Chris [00:24:05] And how long had you been dating before the breakup?
Caller [00:24:07] We had been together for four years before the breakup.
Chris [00:24:11] So you dated four. This guy did you dirty in a way that messed with your head. That was three years ago. So it feels like a point where you’re probably going to be over it soon. Do you still miss this guy? Are you still in touch with that guy?
Caller [00:24:25] No, definitely not in touch. I don’t miss the person. I do miss elements of the relationship. Like when my family is being inane, which they often are, it’s kind of like, Oh, I wish I had that person to just kind of go and be like, Can you believe this is happening? So that we can both sit from the side and be like, Oh my God, my crazy family. Or like, when sports are coming on and I want to have a conversation, none of my friends are into sports, and I’m very much into sports. Like, I kind of miss like that. But I don’t miss the person. Or and I think time has given me a lot of perspective because initially I was very like, I want to say like, like giving grace almost to the person and being like, Oh, well, you know, he clearly was going through something. Maybe something I did. I don’t really know. But then time has made me realize, Oh no, I actually didn’t deserve a lot of the treatment that I was getting. And it’s kind of like given me a new perspective to definitely not missed the person. But I do miss, like elements of our relationship, you know what I mean?
Chris [00:25:33] Sure. Sure. Those are all fair answers.
Caller [00:25:37] Mm hmm.
Chris [00:25:38] Tell me about these three guys.
Caller [00:25:40] Okay. Well, uh, the one guy is, um he’s a little bit older than me. He’s, like, 29 ish. 28. Really sweet. He’s also into fitness. So we have, like that in common, and we have that activity in common. Um, what, like, what do you want to know about them?
Chris [00:26:07] I just kind of want to get a sense of who the types of guys are that you’re you find yourself in these, you know, beginning stages of relationships with so I can start to kind of have a broad sense of the field, who you attract, who you’re attracted to. And it might help me give further advice moving forward.
Caller [00:26:25] Well, the thing that I really liked about this guy was he was really into the things that I was into, even if he didn’t know what those things were. Like, for example, if there was a movie that I really like- oh, here’s a perfect example. I really like reality TV. Like trashy reality TV. I’m such a sucker for it. I know it’s terrible, but everybody’s got to decompress somehow. So I love watching reality TV, but it’s not for everyone. And he started watching Bachelorette like so that we could have something to talk about, you know, so that he could kind of relate to me on that. And I thought that was really, really sweet and a lot of effort on his part because- although I think that more people should watch The Bachelorette because it is quality television, it is high stakes drama.
Chris [00:27:19] I’ve heard this. So you got a guy who-
Caller [00:27:22] It is.
Chris [00:27:23] He’s into fitness. He’ll watch The Bachelorette so you two can connect on it. That’s very, very sweet. Very cute.
Caller [00:27:29] Yeah.
Chris [00:27:30] Okay. Give me a couple of details about guy number two.
Caller [00:27:33] Guy number two is um he’s a little he makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable because I don’t feel quite as comfortable with him as I do with guy number one, because guy number two um he’s like, a little cocky, if that makes sense. A little bit… I don’t know what to say. Like, he’s, like, very proud of what he does and, like, his work and stuff, and that’s great. But it comes off a little bit cocky, which is a little bit of a turnoff to me. And he doesn’t really relate to like what I do in my line of work. So we don’t really have a lot to talk about with that. But he’s really outgoing and has like a lot of like, fun thing. I haven’t been out with either of these- actually, no. I went out with the first guy, but I haven’t like gone on an actual date with either of these two. It was just like people that have, like, invited me on dates. So guy number two, he’s really attractive. He’s really nice, really respectful. A little cocky, but a good person nevertheless.
Chris [00:28:48] Okay.
Caller [00:28:49] What are your thoughts?
Chris [00:28:51] Well, I want to hear about number three.
Caller [00:28:52] Guy number three is somebody that I’ve known for a long time since childhood. And um I’d describe him as very smart, really like liberal, like me. So we have a lot of, like, in-depth conversations, I want to say. We talk about, like, real problems and like real social justice issues that affect, you know, that that are important to me. And really into music. He’s got a great sense of music. That’s something that’s really important to me. We’ve been friends for a really, really long time. Yeah, he’s a good person. Somebody that I definitely feel comfortable with, not just because I like the person that he is, but because we’ve known each other for so long that it’s easy to kind of be with him and not feel awkward.
Chris [00:29:54] And these are all people who have hinted that they’d like to date you, but you haven’t actually gone on dates with any of them. You said maybe one of them you did hang with?
Caller [00:30:03] Yeah, the first guy I did go on a couple of dates with, but nothing serious, like nothing scandalous. And then the other two, I haven’t gone on a date with them, but they have expressed interest in that.
Chris [00:30:18] My honest reaction?
Caller [00:30:20] Mmhm.
Chris [00:30:21] You’re good to go. Sounds like you got a bunch.
Caller [00:30:24] Good to go?
Chris [00:30:25] I mean, stop worrying. If the first thing you say about the one guy is like, he makes me uncomfortable and he’s too cocky, maybe, you know, that one’s going to run its course quick, so I wouldn’t prioritize him if you’re already saying stuff like that. Sounds like he might be the most fun at parties or the most, you know, most fun as far as dating while you’re young. And it sounds like you’re trying to move on from that. But if your initial instinct is like, this guy’s too cocky and it makes me uncomfortable, you know, versus like, Hey, here’s this dude who he’s into fitness and he decides to watch TV shows I like just so we have more to talk about. That sounds pretty sweet. And then here’s my sweet friend I’ve known since childhood. I get that that might not be the most exciting thing in the world, but those seem like it seems like you have a plethora of options when it comes to dating and you got to figure yourself out and then it’ll all click into place and you’re good. I don’t have-
Caller [00:31:18] Yeah but then you hurt people along the way.
Chris [00:31:21] You hurt people along the way?
Caller [00:31:23] Yeah. Like, you can’t just like. I felt like this is why I haven’t actually made with, like, these people. Because if you commit to what like I’m, I went from being a, like, a super monogamous person and like, I’ve never, ever cheated on anybody. I’ve never even thought about cheating on anybody. I go from that to like now I have three people that I’m debating between. And I think it’s hard, you know, like I don’t want to hurt anybody and I also don’t want to make the wrong choice.
Chris [00:31:57] Yeah. Here’s where I’m going to start sounding old.
Caller [00:32:00] It’s so hard.
Chris [00:32:01] Here’s where I’m going to be very old and middle aged. You ready?
Caller [00:32:06] Mm hmm.
Chris [00:32:08] Life. Can be viewed. In a certain sense. As nothing more. Than bouncing through the days, hurting others and getting hurt. And having fun along the way. And if you’re going to sit here and worry about, well, if I start dating the one guy, I’m going to hurt the feelings of two others. The answer is, yeah. And then you go, and I might make the wrong choice. My reaction to that is, yeah, you probably will. And maybe you’ll get that chance back or maybe it’ll go away forever. And you’ll have to use it as a learning experience. Who knows? But to sit around worried, what should I do? I think you’ll regret that more than if you make the mistakes and break some hearts. That dog sounds like a fucking psycho. That dog sounds like a psycho. She wasn’t kidding about that dog. She told us we would hear a dog. We heard the dog. The dog’s as psycho as we were promised. Look at that, everybody. Set it up. Knock it down. Anyway, we got some ads. We’ll be right back… Thank you to our advertisers who help bring Beautiful/Anonymous to the world. Now, let’s finish off the phone call. That dog sounds like a fuckin psycho. That dog sounds like a psycho. That dog sounds insane.
Caller [00:33:42] Enough. Enough, little girl. Come on.
Chris [00:33:43] Wow. Sounds like- that dog sounds like a psycho dog.
Caller [00:33:48] I told you. I told you. She heard the mailman. Oh, there she goes. Okay, do 2 seconds. I’m just gonna quiet her down. I’m gonna mute you for 2 seconds.
Chris [00:33:56] That dog sounds nuts.
Caller [00:34:00] I got her. I got her.
Chris [00:34:01] Dog sounds loud and big. That’s a loud big dog.
Caller [00:34:04] I am so sorry. See, I told you, like, she’ll be fine. And then she’ll hear something, and then she gets all big and bad. But she’s a fraidy cat. She really is. No. You need to settle down now.
Chris [00:34:14] Do you maybe want to explain to her that I was in the middle of, like, a very thoughtful and emotional part of the call?
Caller [00:34:19] This is our life advice that you’re interrupting ma’am. No, you can’t. No. You got to stop. You got to stop. You gotta stop. All right. I think she’s done right now. I apologize to your ears. And for any of our listeners, I apologize. Headphone warning. She’s got a, she’s got a ferocious bark there.
Chris [00:34:40] If there’s one thing people love on this show, it’s an animal intrusion. And if there’s a second thing they love, it’s me getting interrupted in a hilarious way. So we’re nailing it on all fronts. Listen.
Caller [00:34:54] I love that you’re giving me, like, really sage wisdom that you’ve gone through your, like, years of love and marriage and whatnot. And then she’s just going to come in and be like, No, no, no, this is my time to shine. This is my input.
Chris [00:35:08] I’m 42 years old. I’ve been married for eight years. Jeez. I got a kid. I’m on the other side of a lot of stuff from you. Point being. Right? We can agree on that. And yeah, I’ll just tell you. You want to be that person who’s had a broken heart a few times. You want to be the person who’s broken a few hearts. You don’t want to be the person who sits around and wonders, what if? Those people don’t get to my age and feel satisfied and content. Sitting on the fence wondering what you should do. You got to dive in somewhere. This is not to say you need to pick one of these guys and date, but I do think you maybe need to change your perspective a little and say, this is not a if you are not in the mood to date one of these guys long term, that’s okay. And it’s not personality defining. Maybe you want to fill up your time with other pursuits, and maybe in the course of doing that, you’ll find somebody who just completely sweeps you off your feet and blows you away. I don’t know. Who knows? Maybe you want to go travel the world a little bit. Maybe you want to date someone who’s not a guy for a while and see how that goes. Maybe you want to date ten people at once and tell them all, I don’t, I’m not opting into anything. Or maybe you just go I just want to be asexual for six months and see what happens if I turn that part- who knows? But the point is… You got to give yourself permission to just follow life in a more instinctive way, because the only things I regret from my youth are the things where I sat and thought too hard about it. I broke a few hearts along the way, had my heart broken a bunch of times. I can’t say that I really regret any of that.
Caller [00:36:57] I do. I do not like getting my heart broken. I don’t. This is I mean, now that I think about it, it has been three years. Like, I can’t do that again. I can’t get my heart broken and then spend four more years in a relationship with somebody, get my heart broken, and then have another three year recovery. Like, I can’t do that.
Chris [00:37:19] Sure. Yeah, I agree. But you’ll learn from that last one. Maybe you’ll see some warning signs a little bit earlier. Maybe you’ll get the sense if this guy’s not feeling it, I’m not going to sit here and let myself get dragged across the country so I can feel played by that again. And maybe that’ll start to unlock some goals and some aspirations of what you’re looking for. Maybe you’ll look at a certain guy and you go, This is reminding me too much of of- that guy’s being all wishy washy or he’s not communicating in a way that reminds me too much of my ex. And now I feel empowered to call that out and get to the bottom of it or remove myself from the situation before that heartbreak happens. And that scar tissue that you have right now becomes a foundation for future growth. Who knows? Who knows? I could tell I could sit here right now and tell you about my worst heartbreaks. You want to hear about- I had some-.
Caller [00:38:09] Tell me about-.
Chris [00:38:10] What’s that?
Caller [00:38:11] What was the worst one?
Chris [00:38:13] Ooh, the worst one. Let’s see. You know what? I’ll get into it. And I’ll get honest with you… So I had a pretty epic saga unfold with one young lady. We went to college together and we had some shared interests. And I’m going to air this out because I don’t think she’ll care. My wife knows this story too, but I’m going to tell you about it because of the important part, which is the ending. So I went to college with this girl. Definitely had a bit of an infatuation with her. Um. There were times where she was dating somebody else, and I was very heartbroken by that. And there’s this kind of dialogue of, Oh, well, I’m ever single again, we’ll probably- I wouldn’t be shocked if that happened. And I held out a lot of hope for that and probably held on too hard. And, you know, sometimes where I was flirting with other people or it looked like maybe I would date other people and I would go, No, I don’t- I don’t want to get into a relationship because what if that girl ends up single? And this and that. And that was really unhealthy. As I start to describe that, I feel like you can hear it and go, Oh, that that’s a rabbit hole, right? Like, that’s a rabbit. And I went down that rabbit hole and it wasn’t good. And we wound up having like a very-
Caller [00:39:34] That’s like planning your life on the what if’s of somebody else’s life.
Chris [00:39:37] What’s that?
Caller [00:39:38] I said, that’s like planning your life on the what if of somebody else’s life.
Chris [00:39:42] Exact type of thing that I’m encouraging you not to do. What if this, what if that, what if, what if? You got to dive in to figure it out, right? Now I have some regrets along the way. There, there’s one girl who I was I was really had a really, really had a good sense of had a good feeling. And we went back and forth and I had a feeling maybe she liked me and I didn’t I didn’t date her because what if this other girl wound up single? And this and that. And I do regret that. I regret the what if. I regret the what if aspects of it, right? And then after college, we were both in comedy and we had a very, very brief stretch where one summer we finally made out a bunch of times and I was so excited. I was so excited and I thought, Look, it’s all been worth it. And. And. And like all these other situations that I said, no, I shouldn’t dive into that because I really want to dedicate myself to the idea of this, it’s all coming true. And then after maybe like a month or six weeks where we made out like four times, I got a message from a guy on an improv message board and he was like, Hey, just so you know, um, I know that you were hanging out with person X, but, uh, me and her are dating now, I hope that’s cool. I was like, What? The fuck are you talking about? And that guy went on to run like a very- he became known for running like renegade weird art projects kinda of. Sort of soft- my opinion, kind of soft versions of them. Anyway, who cares? It’s not about me and him. The point being, I held on and held on. What if this and that. I want to find something perfect. I think this might be perfect. And then it was like this fleeting glimpse and… It was a bummer. It was really heartbreaking. Your guy, Chris, had had this in the back of his mind for years of man, what if this worked out? And then it felt like maybe it would and then it just didn’t. And I found out because the dude, this dude sends me a message on an improv message board, the lowest form of communication, a message board DM 20 years ago. Everyone knows what I’m talking about. And… It was a bummer. It was a bummer. And it threw me for a loop and it messed with my head. And then when I finally moved on, things got a lot better and I sort of learned how to grow up and not hang on to the youthful ideal of what dating is and started to really dive out there. Now here’s a few things I’ll put out there about that. One, I realized, Well, I’m never going to get infatuated with someone again and just hang on to hope and pass on other opportunities that seem like they might be healthy or fruitful or interesting or fun in the name of what might happen. I learned that. It took me getting burned really hard to learn that. I also look back and I go, This idea that I was this infatuated guy hanging on, in my mind, that was a very romantic thing. But I look back now, I also go, That was creepy. That was probably creepy. There were probably moments for her where she’d go, Why the fuck? I’ve, I’m with somebody and I’ve rejected him.
Caller [00:42:51] That’s some serious Great Gatsby pining.
Chris [00:42:54] There was some real pining in there. Imagine Great Gatsby if he was a 19 year old state school student instead of a wealthy man on the tip of Long Island. And that’s who I was. But I also sit here and I go, That wasn’t fair to her either. I sit here going, Why is she playing games with me? Maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t. But I was playing a game too, and putting her in a real bad position. And I had to learn that as well. I had to learn how to move on. So I learned a lot about things I shouldn’t put up with as far as my treatment from other people. I also learned- and here’s some big mistakes I made. Here’s some things that I did that I look back and go, Why was I hanging on so hard? That wasn’t fair to myself. That wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t cool to her boyfriend. There’s a lot of ways in which I wasn’t cool by doing that. In my mind, I was this sort of romantic victim. A lot of it was on me and my choices. But now here’s the most important part. Here’s the most important part, is many, many years after all this went down, we had lost touch and we were living in different places. And then I found myself at a comedy festival. And she was there for other reasons. And we had talked and things had gotten really cool between us. I think there was, you know, this really intense closeness when we were young in this intense infatuation, and then we were both just kind of burned out on each other. And I was wary of her because I associated her with this pain. And then I wound up going to a bar with some friends, and I saw that she was there and she was sitting by herself and she did not look happy. And it broke my heart. And what I saw probably around then, I was 30? 32? 33? Maybe a little- yeah, around 30. But I didn’t see this person that I had had this crush on, I didn’t see this person that I felt burned by. I said, That’s my friend from college. That’s my old friend. And I sat down and went, You don’t look happy, you okay? And we sat and we had a conversation in a city where neither of us lived. And she was able to get very, very honest with me about some stuff she was going through at her life at the time. And I was able to give her some very honest answers and some very frank answers. Because at the end of the day, we had all this experience together… Who burned who, who was unfair to themselves? Who was unfair to the other one? What happened? This and that, all these questions and all this emotional stuff. But at the end of the day, you know, you go ten, 12 years past all that emotional stuff, and what I had in that moment was the opportunity to be someone’s friend. To go, now that all the emotional side of that is gone… What I’m left with is someone who I can be really honest with and who knows she can be really honest with me because we’ve been through a lot of stuff together.
Caller [00:45:45] Did you tell her?
Chris [00:45:47] Did I tell her what?
Caller [00:45:48] About the pining?
Chris [00:45:50] Oh, she was well aware. It had been going on all through college. She knew I had the hots for her. I mean, we wound up hooking up for a little bit, right? We wound up making out a bunch of times. She knew that I was pining for her. And then it took us years afterwards to get to a point where we could even talk to each other. But then when we could talk to each other, that level of honesty and friendship was very, very real. And the idea that we were these young people who saw something in each other… It got all out of whack because it went too far in one direction and it led to like a heartbreak that took very many years for me to reconcile. But it also allowed me to-
Caller [00:46:28] But I wonder-
Chris [00:46:29] Be someone who was there in a very real way. And ever since then, for the last ten years, she is someone that I can reach out to and confide in about any number of things. And I think she would say the same of me. I don’t regret that heartbreak. It gave me a really good friend.
Caller [00:46:48] That’s great. But, like, did you ever, like, were you ever mad at her for knowing that that you liked her and that she kind of exploited that a little bit?
Chris [00:47:01] Yeah. And I think she was probably very annoyed by me hanging on when she had a boyfriend. She was probably very mad at me for not just moving on. I think we were both mad at each other at different points.
Caller [00:47:13] Yeah, that’s what I don’t want. I don’t want like, I don’t want to. I don’t want to bring that kind of hurt to somebody. Because, like I told you, all of the people that have been so sweet to me these past couple of weeks, these past couple months, they’re all such good people. And I would be really fortunate to be with any of them. But I don’t want to play anybody. You know what I mean? And I feel like that’s what I’m doing right now. I feel like I’m kind of like playing these people for my own selfish reasons of, like, you know, me wanting to take a step forward but not knowing how, and then just kind of dragging people along with me while I figure that out.
Chris [00:47:57] I bet you could just tell these guys that. And I bet some of them will react in ways that surprise you and some of them react in ways that make you laugh or some of them might react- some of them might react in ways that make you roll your eyes. Who knows? But you’re in a it’s like Big Pun; you don’t want to be a player no more.
Caller [00:48:14] Yeah, it’s horrible. It’s like it’s so much pressure and like stress because at the same time, it’s like you don’t, I mean, not to bring it back to back to Bachelorette, but in the season, The Bachelorette has all of these people that are trying to like vie for her attention and they’re being really open and honest with her. And she’s kind of like being really sweet but guarded with all of them. And for me, it’s like, I don’t know how anybody builds a relationship, which is probably why most of the Bachelorette bachelor couples are not together in real life, or like they have since broken up, but it’s really hard because when one person is being really emotionally available and you’re being receptive to that but not really giving a lot back, it’s like hard to really fully build a connection with them. And that’s what I’ve been doing. Like I’ve been enjoying people trying to get to know me, but I’ve been really guarding the the actual stuff, like the deep stuff.
Chris [00:49:20] Yeah. And have they sensed this? Do you sense any frustration from their end on this?
Caller [00:49:25] No, I haven’t. Or if they are feeling it, they haven’t expressed that to me.
Chris [00:49:30] I mean, there’s a chance these guys might not be looking for anything serious either. You might be costing yourself a lot of fun. There’s a chance these guys might be sitting here, each of these guys might be dating two other ladies. You don’t know. Everybody might have three options right here. You might. It might not be The Bachelorette. You might not- right now you’re in a real life version of The Bachelorette, where you have three men vying for your attention. But they might be going on other dates, too. You don’t know. They might have been through their own recent heartbreaks. Who’s to say? Everybody is living their own life.
Caller [00:50:04] That’s true. I hope that’s the case because then I would feel less guilty myself.
Chris [00:50:07] I don’t think you need to feel guilty, because here’s the other thing. For every one of that person I just told you about, and there’s only a couple heartbreaks that affected me that hard, that one was probably the one that was hardest. For every one, there’s also people I’ve been on date with dates with who I promise have never thought about me again. There’s people who probably roll their eyes at the mention of my name and then they move on. There’s a couple people in life who I think probably felt burned by me, and there’s a bunch of people who were just like, Oh, I went on a weird date with that guy. Not that I dated a ton in my life, but most of these people aren’t sitting around thinking about me. I promise you that. Most of them are either, you know, maybe I show up on some weird TV show and they’re like, That’s weird that I went on a date with that guy in 2014. No, not 2014, I was already married by then. But that’s weird I went on a date with that guy in 2010 and they’re going and they’re like, laughing. Or their friends are like, Oh, what was that like? And they’re like, Oh, he was kind of socially awkward. And they’re not thinking about it. Everybody moves on.
Caller [00:51:13] I don’t know. Chris Gethard, heartbreaker circa 2002.
Chris [00:51:19] I broke a couple hearts.
Caller [00:51:20] I bet you. I bet you have. Yeah.
Chris [00:51:21] I broke a couple hearts and I had a cut and I had my heart broken. Certainly. Certainly. And I don’t regret it at all. I don’t regret it at all. If anything, I regret staying in a relationship that wasn’t working because I felt like you can’t, you’re not allowed to move on or give up on things when you’ve put in the time. If anything, I regret that. But I don’t know. There might be people out there listening to this who’ve been on a date with me who are going, Yeah, it was… It was fun. Kind of awkward. Not for me. And then we all moved on with our lives. And that’s okay, too.
Caller [00:51:57] Yeah, that’s the other thing. I’m a serial like overthinker.
Chris [00:52:01] Oh, you don’t say?
Caller [00:52:02] Maybe I think about it too much.
Chris [00:52:05] I don’t. I just met you, and I can speak for everyone listening, we all can tell that. That’s my main thing, is I think you’re thinking too hard about this.
Caller [00:52:11] Oh, my god.
Chris [00:52:12] Have fun while you’re young. I speak on behalf of all middle aged people. Have fun while you’re young. And don’t let the regrets define you. You want to have those wounds. You want to have scar tissue, especially when it comes to this. To go through a whole life where you’ve tried to strategize how to not break hearts and how to not have your heart broken? That sounds like a life not lived to the fullest. You can only be living life to the fullest if you have a couple crushing heartbreaks. You want those heartbreaks. You want to be somebody who said I played it safe my whole life and wound up reasonably happy? No. I speak on behalf of all the middle aged people who don’t get the chance anymore. Go get into some drama. Break a couple of hearts, date two people at once, and give yourself permission not to decide. Get people mad. Get people upset. Get upset on your own right. Be dating a guy who’s dating another girl and figure out how you feel about that. Who knows? But you can’t, you can’t worry about not getting your heart broken and not breaking hearts. It’s the that’s, that’s the stuff that makes life fun. That’s the stuff that makes life fun.
Caller [00:53:22] Have you ever dated multiple people at the same time?
Chris [00:53:25] Have I dated multiple people at the same time? Yeah. Never too seriously. But yeah, I’ve had I had a stretch. I had a stretch there. Yeah.
Caller [00:53:37] Oh, my goodness.
Chris [00:53:38] Where I was keeping it casual, yeah.
Caller [00:53:39] So we’re going to change the perspective I’m going to not think about forever alone status.
Chris [00:53:46] Yeah. Don’t overthing it.
Caller [00:53:49] Okay. Now I have to just like, have frank conversations, I feel like. And we’re going to cut we’re going to cut guy number two out, I think.
Chris [00:53:58] I mean, if the first thing you’re saying is he makes me uncomfortable and he’s kind of cocky, it sounds like this guy is not somebody you need to… worry about too much.
Caller [00:54:08] You’re right. You’re right.
Chris [00:54:11] Right?
Caller [00:54:11] Oh, man. What? See, I appreciate talking to you about it because none of my other friends or family members are giving me good advice.
Chris [00:54:23] What are they saying? They’re probably they’re probably right. I’m probably wrong.
Caller [00:54:28] Well, no, it’s good because you don’t know you don’t know me and you don’t know these people like you’ve never met any of these people. So you have like a real I mean, a very skewed because it’s from my perspective, but you have the third party opinion.
Chris [00:54:45] I’m certainly impartial to this. I don’t know you and I don’t care about these men.
Caller [00:54:49] Exactly. My family members say that I should not date multiple people. My sister says that if I’m not like actually like putting myself out there, it’s because I’m a not over my ex, which I don’t feel to be the case because I really don’t feel any sort of attachment to my ex at this point. Like I said, there’s like stuff about being in a relationship that I miss, but I definitely, like, have no, um… What’s the what’s the word, like I’m not broken up over my my ex at this point, so I don’t really feel that that’s the case. But she’s like, oh, you know, you you clearly are not ready, so you really just shouldn’t be dating anybody. My friends say that I need to be like basically like be totally superficial and only see people on like the surface level because they say that, you know, I should be with somebody that’s like as equally attractive or like smart go-getting as me. And I feel like people on the inside, that’s what really matters. And like people how they treat me and like make me feel, that’s what matters, regardless of whether they totally relate to what I do as in work or, you know, work out as much as me, etc., etc.. So that’s that. And then, you know, there’s like the, the friends that I’m closer with that have a preference for one person over the other.
Chris [00:56:33] And do they all seem to lean towards one one of these people?
Caller [00:56:37] Certain groups do and certain groups favor others.
Chris [00:56:42] I think you need to just live for yourself and you need to live for today. And I think you need to let people in as you see fit. And I don’t think you need to feel too guilty about letting people out. If if you go on a bunch of dates with somebody and it’s not going to work, it’ll be a painful conversation. You might break a heart, but that’s life. That’s life. Get your heart broken. Be a heartbreaker. Stop thinking so hard about it. And then what’ll happen is you’ll stop thinking about any of this stuff, and you’ll be out there, you’ll have fun, none of this will be on your mind, and there will be some guy in the background of your life who just walks into frame and you go, Oh, shit. That’s what happened to me.
Caller [00:57:21] Oh, yeah? Okay. I can’t wait for that to happen. I will definitely let you know when it does.
Chris [00:57:25] You should. I think you’re good. Don’t think too hard about this. Have fun while you’re young. I need the other middle aged listeners- the middle aged listeners out there. I need you all to vouch for me. I love my life so much. I mean, I’m sitting here right now. My son is napping, and I have in the back of my head, I’m like, I can’t wait till he wakes up. I want to play with that kid. It’s fun. Like, my life is great and it is settled and I love it. But I think the other middle aged people out here will agree with me. Enjoy what you got now while you got it. Because once it’s gone, it’s gone. So you might as well enjoy it, right? Sit around stressing about- Someday you’re going to be sitting around. You’re going to be 75 years old and you’re going to be going, I can’t believe that at one point I was so youthful and and full of energy and life that I was able to date three guys at once. I can’t believe I sat around and worried about that. I was someone who was able to pull that off. Oh, my God. I sit around now and I think I used to run around New York City doing shows all night, staying out till three in the morning, go do this show, run to the next show, sit in a bar. And I would stress with my friends, Why aren’t I getting a job, this and that. And the only regreat I have, I go, God damn, I spent so much of that time stressing. And I look back now I go, I’m so tired. I can’t do five shows in a a night. I can’t stay out of three in the morning. I’m too old, too tired. You’re going to look back. You’re going to be 42 one day. You’re going to look back and you’re going to go, I once had a stretch where I had three boys chasing me and you’re going to smile because it’s going to be so far away from your life and you’re going to be so happy that it happened. So be happy now.
Caller [00:59:07] Thanks, Chris. I appreciate the advice and the frankness. I do. I really do.
Chris [00:59:12] Can’t be an overthinker.
Caller [00:59:13] I can’t believe that I’m actually talking to you. I’ve been calling into this podcast for three years or four years.
Chris [00:59:20] Nice. Glad you finally got through.
Caller [00:59:22] Yeah. Yeah. And, like, like I’ve seen you in shows and stuff. I actually have a poster that says Hi blank (me) Thanks for not booing me offstage.
Chris [00:59:35] Oh, that was nice that you didn’t boo me off stage.
Caller [00:59:39] So, yeah, it’s really nice to be like talking to you. And I love your podcast and your shows and everything. I just watched your was it HBO that it came out on? The recent-
Chris [00:59:53] Career Suicide. Yeah, well, that, HBO was from 2017. And then I had Half My Life. That came out more recently, but far fewer people watched that one. But that’s okay. That’s what I’m saying. Someday things will slow down. It’s exactly what I’m saying. When everybody was watching my stuff, I was all stressed out by it. And now I’m at a point where not as many people watch my stuff and guess which one is way more stressful? It made me it makes me wish that I could be less stressed about the good times. You have to allow these times to be good times. That’s part of life, I think. Consistently learning how to allow what’s happening to be good times.
Caller [01:00:33] Yeah, I mean, I kind of wish I had the the luxury of your perspective and to like, be able to say, oh, just don’t worry about it. Because like sitting in it, it’s like it’s hard and it’s hard to like, shift that perspective.
Chris [01:00:50] I hear you. And it’s reductive. It’s also reductive of me to go, oh your feelings right now? Ignore them. I’m not saying ignore them. I’m saying convert them. Convert the energy into something more productive and positive. It doesn’t get you anything. You’re not going to marry all three of these guys unless you’re planning on joining some sort of polygamist cult. So guess what? Two of these guys go away. Either you break their hearts or they break your hearts. Two of them are going away. So get on with it. Figure out your life because there’s something fun on the other side of it. But there’s no way around this. There’s three boys who like you. At least two of them, at least now, are going to feel like they took a swing and a miss. You don’t get to dictate how they react to that. And and they don’t get to dictate your behavior. But there’s no way around it. It’s happening. So is there a way to convert that from anxiety into the recognition that life is worth living? That’s what I’m saying.
Caller [01:01:51] Yeah. I’m going to try. I really am. I’m going to try to, like, think about what I want and maybe that’ll bring some clarity and not- I think it’s just the worrying. It’s like. It’s like a trauma response, you know? It’s like, I really don’t want to make the wrong decision again.
Chris [01:02:11] I hear you.
Caller [01:02:13] Honestly, especially these days, time is just so precious. Like, there’s so much pressure on people in my generation to figure out their life by a specific age is like like a clock almost that I feel ticking. And it’s like my friends are getting engaged and moving up. And I know that, like, me and my career, like I’m, you know, I’m in grad school, I’m finishing grad school and I’m doing like all of this stuff. And it’s like I feel like there’s just so much pressure to figure stuff out.
Chris [01:02:49] Yeah, I totally understand that. I would say couple of things to keep in mind. Anything happening with those other people doesn’t change what’s happening with you. Somebody else being engaged doesn’t change the fact that that that guy peaced out on you and you’ve never been certain why. Doesn’t matter. Other people advancing in their careers. Okay. Doesn’t sound like you’re somebody who sits around and slacks off. It just sounds like stuff’s happening with them. The external stuff doesn’t matter half as much as the internal stuff. And I think all those pressures, society creates some of them, you create some others. And if you can get through, if you can get past ’em, you can figure out how to take a deep breath and only recognize them when they are of some benefit, I think you’ll just live a lot more life and all these problems will sort themselves out. Someday you’ll be my age and you’ll have a nice smirk thinking about, Man, when I was 25, when I was 25, I had everything. I had all this freedom. This jerk boyfriend peaced out on me. I had freedom. I was living far away from everybody. I got to figure out who I was without the pressure of my past. I had all these guys chasing me. I was 25. I had everything. So I wonder if there’s a way to get there now. Sounds fun, but our time is up.
Caller [01:04:21] Already? I appreciate the call.
Chris [01:04:24] I do too. Caller, thank you and good luck. And and the main thing, don’t think too hard. Trust me and all the other people in our forties out here who are going, girl, enjoy it. Trust in that, because I think there’s a lot of us who look back at how much we stressed and we regret that. Anyway, this show was produced by Anita Flores. It’s engineered by Jared O’Connell. Our theme song is by ShellShag. If you want to know more about me, go to ChrisGeth.com. And hey, wherever you’re listening, subscribe, favorite, follow. It really helps us when you do. And you can find our latest merch at PodSwag.com. There’s shirts, posters, all sorts of good stuff there. And if you want your episodes without ads, check out Stitcher premium and use the code “stories” for a one month free trial at Stitcher.com/premium.