EP. 1 — Ron Paul’s Baby

CHRIS GETHARD: Today’s episode brought to you by Mack Weldon underwear that’s probably better than what you’re wearin’ right now and other stuff besides underwear but I like the underwear; my wife say I look in their underwear and my wife’s outta my league. They got antimicrobial in there, means that it eliminates smells – very, very useful if you’re a man with bowel problems like I have. They want you to be comfortable you don’t like the first pair? Keep it! They’ll refund your money, no questions asked. Look good; perform well go to mackweldon.com and get 20% off using promo code, BEAUTIFUL.

CHRIS GETHARD: Hello world my name is Chris Gethard and you’re listening to Beautiful Anonymous. One phone call, one hour, no names, no holds barred.

Beautiful slash Anonymous – it stands for the Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People, which is the longer – more emo version of the title – and that kinda spells out what this show is – it’s a show where I wanna hear stories. You can call in – anybody in the world! – call in! Talk to me – just don’t tell me who are! You can have up to an hour of my time… record it… we have a real, honest interaction cause I don’t think there’s enough of those in my life, at least and I bet other people feel that way… so that’s what this podcast is – one conversation at a time – just a genuine interaction. That’s it! Anonymous! Up to an hour… hang up if you feel like it; I don’t get to hang up… Let’s do it!

This one! Oh my god! I think about this one sometimes at night, when I can’t sleep – it’s because this one pops into my head, man! This guy was the best! I’ll tell ya – a lotta podcasts out there, you listen to these interview podcasts – they interview celebrities and the president and all kinds of people who get picked up in cars that the podcast paid for.

This guy is calling me from a car that he’s hiding in! That’s the starting point! As he’s hiding in the car! That sets the tone for everything! This one – I tell you, this guy – he’s such a fighter! He’s such an underdog! That’s the exact type of person I love in this world – underdogs who really know how to fight! And he doubles down on that – triples down on that! And all the details that come out about his past, man, I’ll tell you!

I’m not the only person who’s gonna listen to this who winds up really rooting for this dude and what he represents! And I’ll tell ya – by the end, the amount of energy this guy’s bringin’…

PHONE RINGS…

CHRIS GETHARD: …he’s unleashing! And I love it! I hope you love it, too! Let me know…

ROBOT:  Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host…

BEEEEEP…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Hey! This is Gethard… how are ya?

CALLER:  Hey – what’s up?

CHRIS GETHARD: Eh… not much…

CALLER:  Just a second – I’m in a weird hallway right now – am I echoey?

CHRIS GETHARD: Uh, no, I think you’re pretty good, uh, they’ll let me know. I don’t really have…

CALLER:  Who?

CHRIS GETHARD:  …the authority to answer that but I just got the thumbs up on it – you sound good…

CALLER:  Awesome! How are you?

CHRIS GETHARD: I’m good. So, just remember: you can hang up at any point you want… if it get uncomfortable or if you’ve gotta go but I can’t hang up for an hour so you get up to an hour. If you wanna hang up, feel free…

CALLER:  Awesome!

CHRIS GETHARD:  Alright, so…

CALLER:  I can… Babba booey for… forty-five minutes?

CHRIS GETHARD: In what sense? In what sense are you babba booeying… AKA Gary Dell’Abate … The Howard Stern Show…

CALLER:  No, I mean, just kind of… the… Babba booey… Babba booey, like…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Oh, yeah – if you want – if you just wanna heckle me, basically heckle me on the phone for an hour, I hafta just endure it – yeah! Or we can have a conversation – it’s really – it’s up to you…

CALLER:  Yeah… we… we can have a conversation…

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay, yeah! So what are talkin’ about?

CALLER:  But  I don’t know – I’m at work. I just took about a thirty minute break in my car – I walked back in and then… I got through so…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay, so you…

CALLER:  …goin’ back outside, just skip some more time…

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah! Was gonna say – you work at a job where you can apparently sit in your car for thirty minutes and then ALSO just talk to me for an hour?

CALLER:  Yeah I just uh… it… nobody’s here for Thanksgiving…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you’re just doin’ whatever you…

CALLER:  …I do Customer Service for like… Accounts Payable…

CHRIS GETHARD:  How is that? How do you like that?

CALLER:  Oh, it’s the worst, Chris!

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah! It sounds like it – I didn’t wanna be judgmental but it sounds awful!

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  I mean, you have a job where it sounds like you’re hiding – [LAUGHTER…]… your car! It sounds like you –  

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: …when you say you took a break and sat in your car, that – [LAUGHTER…] – to me…

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …sounds like a person who is not thrilled with the situation…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: …so you’re escaping! You’re looking for active escape…

CALLER:  Yeah, I’m looking for escape…

CHRIS GETHARD: …some of it, sitting in your car… being on a phone with me – anything you can do to not be working…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …at this job…

CALLER:  Yes.

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay, so, how uh… how… how temporary is this? How much is this? This is your thing right now…

CALLER:  Uh… I don’t know…

CHRIS GETHARD:  You don’t know…

CALLER:  …it should be… I’ve been – it’s been a year I’ve been doing this…

CHRIS GETHARD:  And when you started…

CALLER:  And…

CHRIS GETHARD: …did you tell? Was it a situation where you were like maybe this’ll be alright – maybe this’ll be a thing? Or were you like, “I’m gonna do this and I’m chasing something else?”

CALLER:    it was just kind of, “Oh, that pays enough; I’ll start on that…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uh huh… and we all gotta take those gigs sometimes…

CALLER:  Yeah… but it is in a sense of being trapped and like, “Oh – like… how I ever… am I say like I need to have enough saved and… am I ever gonna have enough saved?”

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah! It’s a huge question…

CALLER:  There’s gonna be another excuse…

CHRIS GETHARD:  A lot of it  so you say, uh, you say you… another excuse – are you somebody who’s made a bunch of excuses in the past?

CALLER:  Yeah, that’s… I feel like I, uh, spend a lotta time not doing things and then kinda go too big…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Oh! That’s interesting! So I gotta a coupla questions: you say…

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD: …like, ”Am I ever gonna save enough?” What are you saving for? Is that saved for like a house? Or is that saved to like give yourself a year of freedom? Is that saved to go see the world? What are you saving for?

CALLER:  Uh… just save just to be like, “Alright, I’ve got… six months…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  Time…

CALLER:  “…saved that I don’t hafta worry about it. I wouldn’t hafta work or somethin’…”

CHRIS GETHARD: So you wanna buy yourself some time and then you say you – you’d spend a…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …lotta time not doing things – that sounds like it ties in. What are the things you’re not doing?

SILENCE…

CALLER:  I don’t… go to that… take those improv classes…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uh huh…

CALLER:  …go hang out… I just – I feel like I’ve kinda wasted the last year…

CHRIS GETHARD: You wasted a year and it’s startin’ to freak you out a little bit?

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm… Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  But even when I say, “What – [LAUGHTER…] are the thing…” you don’t quite…

CALLER:  Yeah! I…

CHRIS GETHARD: …you don’t really even know what the things are…

CALLER:  … I feel… I’m generally uncertain about everything!

CHRIS GETHARD:  You kinda have a dream to have some dreams…

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Man, that’s a – I don’t wanna be judgmental – I’m not tryna be judgmental –

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD: …I say this with love – is it…

CALLER:  No…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …that’s a…

CALLER:  …I know…

CHRIS GETHARD: …that’s a… that’s a grim place to be… you have a vague dream… of pursuing something….

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  That’s a tough one! That’s a tough spot! So how do we work on this?

CALLER:  Just… I don’t know…

CALLER:  …I don’t know, Chris… I think I probably been drinking too much, smokin’ too much weed…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yeah… self-medicating they call that…

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: Hiding… you’re hiding! You don’t like what’s goin’ on…

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD:  …and you’re hiding!

CALLER:  Yeah! No, I feel like that’s been a lotta my life lately is kinda hiding and putting things off and kind of – getting the glimpse of, “Oh, yeah – that’s something…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  What’s the glimpse! Tell me about the glimpse! I can’t… I can’t hear that and not wonder what the glimpse is! What is this? What are these moments where you’re like, “This could be it…?” “This is… I feel it… I feel this being the thing I’ve been looking for?” What’s the glimpse?

CALLER:  Uh… a few months ago, I met a girl that was teaching special education? And that was something I talked about and then she said that like, “Oh – they always need tough guys to hold ‘em down…” and I was like, “Oh – that sounds like a perfect job!”

CHRIS GETHARD: Perf – wait! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  She said…

CALLER:  Is there a lot goin’ on there?

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah, I actu… I’ll tell ya on my end…   I… I left my headphones on but I reached under to scratch – it sounded to me like you said that a special education teacher said she needs… a tough guy to hold them down…

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD:  …referring to the kids…

CALLER:  That they’re always looking…

CHRIS GETHARD:  And you said…

CALLER:  …that they’re always…

CHRIS GETHARD: …that would be a perfect job…

CALLER:  …looking for…

SILENCE…

CALLER:  Yeah! Cuz… I feel like, uh… when I – when I look at my life and the things that have defined it…

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah…

CALLER:  …the big definite…  I think the big thing I always come back to is my interaction with mental illness and other people and just the weirdos…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay… That’s fascinating…

CALLER:  …and being attracted to that. I don’t know if that’s what…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you crave – you – you…

CALLER:  …that’s an appropriate way…

CHRIS GETHARD: …you enjoy

CALLER:  …to refer to special education kids…

CHRIS GETHARD:  No! Hey! Listen…

CALLER:  …but…

CHRIS GETHARD: …it’s okay and the fact that you said you don’t know if it’s appropriate…   I don’t know if it’s appropriate either! But I think everybody who’s listening to this probably hears you processin’ through this and understands…

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you’re not judging! You’re not saying…

CALLER:  I say – I say it with love!

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah! And – and also, it – is sounds to me like – here’s the – here’s the main thing I’ll say: If you’re in a customer service job where you’re hiding in the car, it sounds to me like…

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you probably identify as an outsider; you probably identify as an underdog. What we’re really saying here is that you root for the underdog and that you see maybe special education kids naturally as outsiders and underdogs and that the idea of working in that world appealed to you because you felt some identification there…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm… Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: That’s – that’s probably the longer, fleshed-out way to say this; we say it on our feet but I don’t think…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you’re being insensitive. So a woman basically proposed that you be a… you know, basically, what it sounds like being like a bouncer in a special education environment…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: And why didn’t you jump on it?

CALLER:  …and I’d hafta give my…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Why didn’t? What? If that hadn’t appealed to you…

CALLER:  Well, it – it wasn’t – it wasn’t a job offered; it was something I thought about and she just talked to me more about the details…

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay…

CALLER:  …and the details were like, “Oh – that’s more of a… that’d be an actual engage – physically engaging…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  I’m a little confused; so, was the appeal to be a special…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …education teacher? Or is there a specific position where you are physically responsible for stopping out-of-control kids?

CALLER:  Uh, so that – that comes with being a special education teacher…

CHRIS GETHARD: But that was – that’s the part that you brought up that appealed to you…

CALLER:  That’s what – that’s where part, that kind of DING! that was like, ”Alright…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  The actual physical wrestlin’ of the kids!

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: Wow! It’s a very specific section of that world… to have the utmost appeal…

CALLER:  Yeah, and… I feel like maybe there aren’t a lot of people going in for that reason…

CHRIS GETHARD:  To – [LAUGHTER…] – specifically – wait! Is this… I hafta ask, is it… I’m not judging – I’m just processing here…

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …this really is… this – that was the specific part of not necessarily…

CALLER:  That was…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …not that I’d necessarily get to teach or enlighten these kids but that there’s an element of physical… physical control that needs to happen…

CALLER:  Yeah… an element of physical engagement – that kinda – that was the thing that was like, ”Alright…” I didn’t know – I didn’t know that…

CHRIS GETHARD: I didn’t either…

CALLER:  …but I thought about this before…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …I’m flabbergasted!

CALLER:  When I thought about this before and thought like, ”Oh – that’s something I’d be good at to like, Oh, and they always need strong guys – sometimes you gotta hold down autistic kids…” And like, “Oh – okay…” She said they’ve got a big beanbag that if a kid’s acting up, they just kinda drop a heavy beanbag on ‘em and hold ‘em down…

CHRIS GETHARD:  And that’s the part you like? That’s the specific…

CALLER:  Listen…it sounded – it – it made it a lot more intriguing…

CHRIS GETHARD: So what do we gotta do to get you there?

CHRIS GETHARD:  What do I gotta do on this phone call – what do I gotta do in the next forty-nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds to get you to be someone who’s not hiding in your car and then goin’ home and smokin’ weed all night? And bein’ the type of kid…

CALLER:  …

CHRIS GETHARD: …that’s droppin’ the big beanbag on the autistic kids?

CALLER:  Yeah… I just gotta start, uh, movin’…

CHRIS GETHARD:  But how many – I’ll ask you this – and – and this might be – this might get a little – this might put you in a weird headspace – how many – how many days…

CALLER:  NOISE…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …how – how many – what percentage of days would you say you say some version of, “I gotta get movin’?”

CALLER:  Uh… most days…

CHRIS GETHARD: Most days!

CALLER:  …I’d say my internal monologue to myself is usually some form of like, ”Oh, I should be – I need to be exercising… I should be… mediating; I should be going to therapy…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  There’s tons of things you…

CALLER:  … should be applyin’ to more jobs…

CHRIS GETHARD: …there’s a whole checklist of things you need to be doin’ that you’re just opting…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …to not get to…

CALLER:  Yeah, and a whole checklist of things that I’m like, ”Oh – I know…” like… you know, I get up and meditate for ten minutes in the morning, like… that week’s a completely different week!

CHRIS GETHARD:  It’s a better day! It’s a better day; it’s a better week…

CALLER:  Yeah, just a…

CHRIS GETHARD: It’s momentum!

CALLER:  Yeah, and it just… yeah!

SILENCE…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you’re –

CALLER:  It’s all about momentum and I’m kind of self-sabotaging myself…

CHRIS GETHARD: You’re stopping your own momentum…

CALLER:  …and I – yeah! and I think because… I’m aware enough of it, that makes me feel like, ”Oh – I have control! I’m aware! I’m aware of the mistakes I’m making…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  So-lemme ask you this cuz this feels a little – I’m starting to feel a little – I’m starting to realize somethin’ that’s maybe makin’ me feel a little bit of pressure – it feels like this…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD: Well, it feels like this phone call is you taking one of the actions you say you don’t usually take!

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So I feel some responsibility to affect… permanent change via this phone call…

CALLER:  Yeah… that’d be nice… I don’t wanna put that pressure on you…

CHRIS GETHARD: No! I’ll – I’ll step up! I’ll do my best…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay – here’s my first question: how much uh…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you said you wanna save six months; how much do you really have saved right now?

CALLER:  Uh…

CHRIS GETHARD: What do I gotta do to get you to never walk back into that office again? What do I gotta do…

CALLER:  Well, right now, I’ve got…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …what do I gotta do to get you to get back in your car on this phone call and drive away – from that office you hate… while on this phone call?

CALLER:  Oh, I don’t… I’ve got three hundred in savings; I’ve got…

CHRIS GETHARD: Never mind!

CALLER:  …three thousand in my 401K…

CHRIS GETHARD:  And is that – can you access that without penalty?

CALLER:  Uh, it’s a 30% tax…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay…

CALLER:  …or 25%…

CHRIS GETHARD: …yeah, never mind… Okay, yeah, no, we can’t do that…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yea, no – never mind…

CALLER:  …cuz I had – this is the thing, Chris…

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay, yeah! I like that…

CALLER:  Uh…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you keep using the powerplay – it’s saying my name even though I don’t know your name – well done! And I don’t wanna know your name!

CALLER:  Yeah…

CALLER:  …very… I felt like… immediately I was gonna be saying my name…

CHRIS GETHARD:  I don’t need to know your name…

CALLER:  …but…

CHRIS GETHARD: So…so you’re someone who’s well-aware that there’s all these things you could be doing that would give you a life that you would enjoy more; why do you not…

CALLER:  Mmmm hmmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …why – why – why do you stop those things? What is it that makes you feel like you don’t deserve those things?

SILENCE…

CALLER:  I don’t – I don’t know… to answer that question…

SILENCE…

CALLER:  …I don’t know if I feel I don’t deserve nice things but I think I put myself in a position where I know I won’t get those things – is it a fear of failure?

CHRIS GETHARD: That’s a great question!

SILENCE…

16:11

CALLER:  But… yeah, no, I had uh…I had about $3,000 saved; I’d taken a week off work and the plan was just to get ready to quit and look for other jobs – kinda part-time things – and then the day of my vacation? My car broke down…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uhhh!

CALLER:  …and all my savings went into fixing the car…

CHRIS GETHARD: That… sucks…

CALLER:  …just so I could have it… to keep goin’ back to work…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Well, I tell ya – I – I once read a very – a very fascinating book all about the nature of poverty and it said… it – one of the cut ‘n’ dry things is that it’s not a mystery – one of the very cut ‘n’ dry things is that people’s car suck up all their money – is –  

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …it’s not a – it’s not an uncommon thing to be a slave to your car so you can get to a job to just sustain… is a very sad ‘n’ scary place… to be!

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: It’s a bummer and I’m sorry that happened…

CALLER:  …it’s the kind of thing I knew… I knew when I was doing it like, “I’m blowing my savings to fix this car to go back to the job I was gonna quit…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  That’s…  horrible… So you had a week where it was Go Time? Operation…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: …Get the Fuck Out! And it instead became, “Pray that the mechanic…”

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  “…doesn’t say this costs more money – oh, wait! He said it cost even more money…” and it…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …instead becomes Operation: Go Back to Work?

CALLER:  Yeah, and it was – I got it fixed; then it broke down again and I was like, ”Oh, gosh – spark plugs!” And…

CHRIS GETHARD: Ughkkk!

CALLER:  …whatever the fuck!

CHRIS GETHARD:  That sucks! So…

CALLER:  So…

CHRIS GETHARD: …here’s a question I have…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you sat in your car for half an hour today…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …we’ve now been on the phone for…

CALLER:  Eat a yogurt, a banana…

CHRIS GETHARD: Eatin’ yogurt – and you’re sittin’ – sittin’ in your car eatin’ yogurts and – eatin’ yogurt and bananas!

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  We’ve now been on the phone for over seventeen additional minutes – this is forty-seven minutes that you’re not working! It sounds to me like –

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: …you’re not concerned at all about getting in trouble; there’s…

CALLER:  No, I’ve… I… there’s a point – and it’s still kind of on-going since the summer of trying to get fired…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay, so actively…

CALLER:  ,.,and it just…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …tryin’ to get fired…

CALLER:  …doesn’t happen…

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay, so then…

CALLER:  …yeah, and actively shirking responsibilities…

CHRIS GETHARD:  You found that you…

CALLER:  ..and then that makes it…

CHRIS GETHARD: [LAUGHTER…]…

CALLER:  …that feels worse!

CHRIS GETHARD:  [LAUGHTER…]… It does! It feels worse! You don’t feel you’re getting away with something…

CALLER:  …it’s like, ”Oh…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you don’t feel like you’re stickin’ it to

CALLER:  “…nothing… you’re not holding me to a very high standard!”

CHRIS GETHARD: [LAUGHTER…]… so you feel like your existing in a… a purgatory! You’re in a purgatory space!

CALLER:  Yeah! No! That’s – I’ve talked to my friend and she quit last year but like, “Oh – this is purgatory!”

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you’re in – [LAUGHTER…] – a job where you can…

CALLER:  I’m…

CHRIS GETHARD: …not quit – as long as you clock in! As long as you clock in…

CALLER:  …I…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you get paid… but that’s all you get! And if you just wander the halls eatin’ yogurt – Okay!

CALLER:  Yeah, I wander the halls – I go to the exercise room…

CHRIS GETHARD:  There’s an exercise room!

CALLER:  …I kind of…

CHRIS GETHARD: [LAUGHTER…]…

CALLER:  Yeah, it’s uh…

CHRIS GETHARD:  [LAUGHTER…]…

CALLER:  …a stationary bike and like, two free weights…

CHRIS GETHARD: [LAUGHTER…]… so you – this is like a uh… this – you’re livin’ in like a Camus novel!

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  This is like an existentialist…

CALLER:  …a French…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you just exist!

CALLER:  …Cam – think I woulda pronounced that Kamuss…

CHRIS GETHARD: Kamuss… I mean, I just completely could be wrong…

CALLER:  …alright…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …I’m white trash from New Jersey…

CALLER:  No, I think you’re right – he is – he is French…

CHRIS GETHARD: I’m pretty certain he’s French – yeah!

CALLER:  Yeah, I’m existing in a… Kafkaesque labyrinthine bureaucracy…

CHRIS GETHARD:  A world where there’s no consequences!

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD:  You’re pushin’ buttons…

CALLER:  There’s no conse –  

CHRIS GETHARD: …and you don’t even know what the buttons do!

CALLER:  Yeah, there’s no, uh, rewards and there’s no punishments…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So, here’s – here’s a… here’s something that’s occurring to me… there’s things you wanna be doing ‘n’ researching ‘n’ finding out about ‘n’ seeing if they’re options; is there no world in which the last forty-seven minutes that you’ve been eating yogurt and talking to me coulda been spent just doing those things on your company’s dime?

CALLER:  Yeah, and I do have some times – a lot of the time went to… I tried to make the goal to apply to like one job I’d like a day and that got a little… exhausting – I couldn’t keep it up everyday…

CHRIS GETHARD: So you were…

CALLER:  …but…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …trying to find opportunities that would be more fulfilling and it got exhau – it – it made you tired… got too exhausting?

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …[LAUGHTER…]…

CALLER:  …it’s everyday… yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: I like you, man!

TEMPORARY SILENCE…

CALLER:  Well, I like you, too…

CHRIS GETHARD:  I like you! I think you’re gonna find your way outta this!

TEMPORARY SILENCE…

CALLER:  Yeah… it’ll happen eventually…

CHRIS GETHARD: Can I ask how you got here? Cuz we’re talkin’ about how to find a way our way out of it but we haven’t really talked about like…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …so… cuz I don’t know how old you are – I don’t know anything about you, like… what – you know? Where – cuz it – it sounds to me like this is a situation that you wound up in that you didn’t… this wasn’t…- you weren’t aiming for this!

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you got side-tracked…

CALLER:  It wasn’t…

CHRIS GETHARD: …and then stuck here…

CALLER:  Yeah, I didn’t plan on like, “Oh – I’m gonna do accounts… I’m gonna do Customer Service for Accounts Payable companies…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  So… [LAUGHTER…]… how’d you wind up then? And I love! – I love! – the way you say that! [LAUGHTER…]… I love just – [LAUGHTER…]… with the blunt recognition – there’s something really beautiful to me about a – a guy who…

CALLER:  Uh huh…

CHRIS GETHARD: …works hard – a workin’ hard guy – a workin’ class guy who knows in one sentence – [LAUGHTER…] – he can say, “Nah – I didn’t plan on doin’ customer service for accounts payables company…” so you know you wound up in a…

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD:  …somewhat ridiculous situation! How did – where does it start? Not even thinkin’ about the job: Where does it start? Where do you come from? How do you grow up? What are you thinking about when you’re in school? Do you go to college? Do you go – where – where? How does it all lead to this? How does it all lead to this where we have…

CALLER:  Oh, that’s…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …this chance to talk…

CALLER:  …a lot of…

TEMPORARY SILENCE…

CHRIS GETHARD: …and this is what you’re telling me…

CALLER:  Yeah, so where do you want me to start?

CHRIS GETHARD:  The beginning! We got – we got forty minutes!

CALLER:  But…

CHRIS GETHARD: We got thirty-nine minutes!

CALLER:  The beginning of my life?

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yes! I wanna hear about the beginning of your life! Cuz if this is what you’re telling me about if the…

CALLER:  Okay… uh…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …if the thing we get to talk about …if we get on the phone and what you wanna talk about is this job and how to get out of it, I need to know the background on this!

CALLER:  Alright. I’m gonna have – I’m gonna have some shit for you, Chris!

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yeah, man!

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

CHRIS GETHARD: This sounds like a good time…

MORE MUSIC…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …to take a quick break… We’re gonna be right back with the conversation…

STILL MORE MUSIC…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …it’ll just be after this…

CHRIS GETHARD: Today’s episode is brought to you by Merge Records – which makes me feel very cool… because they’re the label that over the last twenty-five years has been home to many great bands including Arcade Fire, Spoon, Neutral Milk Hotel… Let’s not forget The Mountain Goats in there, who one of the first times I made out with my wife we listened to Going to Georgia afterwards – it was really romantic! Go-ing to Geor-gia… On March 25th, Merge will release Patch the Sky – the latest album from rock guitar legend, Bob Mold – Hüsker Dü – the – it’s – it’s sugar what a week! His legendary… visit mergerecords.com to discover AND purchase music by Bob Mold AND over a hundred other Merge artists. Listeners of this podcast – this is rad! – cuz I hope there’s a lotta music fans listening to the show – you get 20% off any order using coupon code BEAUTIFUL at checkout and as always, domestic shipping, free! That’s cool! That’s DIY spirit right there, baby! Go to mergerecords.com, enter BEAUTIFUL at checkout – you’ll receive 20% off your purchase! Please support them cuz it makes me feel really.. cooler than I am that they advertise here and I’d love to continue this relationship!

MUSIC…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay… enough of that; let’s get back to the call… Okay, the beginning…

CALLER:  Uh…

CHRIS GETHARD: …take me back to the beginning – give me the good shit, Dog!

CALLER:  Alright… uh… I was born in like Jackson, Texas…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uh huh…

CALLER:  …that way I guess you can track me down from that… I’m the… we… I was…

CHRIS GETHARD:  I’m not going to…

CALLER:  …yeah, I know…

CHRIS GETHARD: …I’m not gonna stalk you – I promise…

CALLER:  No… I – I realize that… And I spend most of my time at work in the… Chris Gethard Show Chatrooms…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay…

CALLER:  …you can fig – you can figure it out…

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay! Well, now you’re givin’ away too much! Now, you’re givin’ away too much!

CALLER:  …not too much…

CHRIS GETHARD:  It’s okay – it’s fine…

CALLER:  Uh…   the doctor that delivered me I believe is Ron Paul…

CHRIS GETHARD: What?

CALLER:  Right? Ron Paul? The Libertarian…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yeah Rand Paul’s father… [LAUGHTER…]… the…

CALLER:  Yeah, he was OB/GYN and uh… and the congressman of the district I’m from…

CHRIS GETHARD:  You would…  okay, I’m – I’m just – [LAUGHTER…] getting over what happened to you but I’m loving this! [LAUGHTER…]… so you – you come into the world – you –   I ask you about the beginning of your life and the answer is that you were delivered into the world – [LAUGHTER…] – by rabble-rousing, outsider politician Ron Paul! Is a beautiful start…

CALLER:  Yes!

CHRIS GETHARD:  A beautiful start! Keep going! I don’t wanna stop this train!

CALLER:  That was the beginning…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yeah!

CALLER:  …uh… I’ll… it… I’ll just add this to that day, uh, when I was born my mom had been in prison and they let her outta prison to have me…

CHRIS GETHARD: Wow! Huuuuge! So…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Again, easy for me – I’m a… white guy living in New York City – easy – easy for me to laugh but   this is genuine here…  

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: …some deficits – some deficits from the start that you’ve had to fight through – so kudos to you! Kudos to you…

BLAST OF SILENCE…

CALLER:  So, I was raised by grandparents…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Before we move on – and if it’s not comfortable – you don’t hafta share it…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …can I ask what your mom was…

CALLER:  No, um…

CHRIS GETHARD: …in prison for?

CALLER:  …no, mostly, uh, drugs and the types of things you do to get drugs…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yeah! Yeah!

CALLER:  …like theft and stuff…

CHRIS GETHARD: Yeah! Yeah! I got a lotta friends who have gone down that road…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Well that’s…

CALLER:  It’s just that kind of cycle…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay, so Ron Paul delivers you… your mom is sent back…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD: …your mom is sent back to the… the jail – your mom is sent back to the clink…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …grandparents raise ya…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: Is there anger there, uh, when you’re a kid? Is there anger? Is there confusion?

CALLER:  Uh… I would – I don’t remember being angry then; I’d say I know now and I realize more I do have a lot of anger…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Yeah!

CALLER:  Wouldn’t be shocking that it comes from a lot of that…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uh huh…

CALLER:  So…

CALLER:  …but… as a kid I remember it being mostly like, “Oh, let’s just…I don’t know any different…”

CHRIS GETHARD:  Fair… yeah… and that’s – that’s a good – beautiful thing about childhood; sounds to me right off the bat…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: …you’re saying that; it sounds like your grandparents were pretty rad…

CALLER:  Yeah, no – they were great…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Sounds like…

CALLER:  …I think they did a great job…

CHRIS GETHARD:  They let you be a kid which is a thing that you might not have had…

CALLER:  Hmmm mmm…

CHRIS GETHARD: Do you remember any? Do you remember like in positive, like your grandparents ever throw you just a really great birthday party? Or anything that stands out where you’re like they – they were great?

CALLER:  Yeah, I think, uh… kind – every day they tried to over-do it!

CHRIS GETHARD:  Oh, okay… so they over-compensated…

CALLER:  …I think if anything, I had kind of a… I got too good of a childhood… and they… they tried… they did their best to overcompensate every way they could…

CHRIS GETHARD: Cuz yeah, so they – cuz they probably wanna…

CALLER:  …for that situation…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …they wanna make sure you don’t miss out on havin’ a mom. And they probably also have some guilt about like… our daughter wound up in prison…

CALLER:  Yeah – their daughter fucked up…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …so let’s make sure this – let’s make sure this kid has everything…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD: Okay – so keep – let’s keep going through this…

CALLER:  Where we going? Just from childhood up?

CHRIS GETHARD:  I – well you’ve –   listen! If it’s on me…

CALLER:  I started…

CHRIS GETHARD: …my job here is to get numbers, baby! You gotta remember this…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Okay? I’m all about this honest conversation; I’m also a business man! And my job is to get numbers and I said, “Tell me about your childhood…” The first thing you told me – first two things – “Ron Paul delivered me… my mom was in prison…” Okay? I can feel… I can feeeeeeel the numbers goin’ through the roof! So if you’re down to keep talking childhood thus far…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …you’ve been shootin’ three-pointers and nailing them, my friend! As far as the…

CALLER:  Alright, uh…

CHRIS GETHARD: …fascination factor – this is fascinating! Small town Texas kid… born to   an imprisoned mom by Ron Paul! I wanna hear more!

CALLER:  Uh… so I can go a lotta places…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uh huh…

CALLER:  Alright… uh, now I didn’t… uh now, I know my dad now; we have a pretty good relationship…

CHRIS GETHARD: That’s good…

CALLER:  …I did not know who my dad was until I was fourteen…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Fourteen – okay…

CALLER:  There was kind of a different guy I thought was my dad, some… balding, red-headed redneck…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you thought your dad was some redneck. Sounds like a person you’re not – [LAUGHTER…] – thrilled about being your dad! [LAUGHTER…]…

CALLER:  Well…

CHRIS GETHARD: …[LAUGHTER…]… even as a child!

CALLER:  …I only met him once…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you met a guy once and thought he was your dad and it was a bummer!

CALLER:  Yeah, it was just kinda like, “Oh, we think this guy’s your dad… Your mom was married to him when she had you…”

CHRIS GETHARD: Hmmm mmm…. Oh, okay…

CALLER:  But… my dad was the guy my mom was – married to before that…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Uh huh…

CALLER:  …they got – they got married in high school in Montana, moved down to Texas, got divorced, then hooked up ten years later at the Fair…

CHRIS GETHARD:  At the Fair!

CALLER:  Yea… at the Fair!

CHRIS GETHARD: Wow!

SILENCE…

CALLER:  And then that’s where I came from – I was a Carnival Baby…

SILENCE…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Hold on… you gotta give me permission to laugh at the phrase, Carnival Baby… cuz this is…

CALLER:  Oh, yeah, of course…

CHRIS GETHARD: …is a very personal – [LAUGHTER…]… Thank you so much! [LAUGHTER…]… This is a personal story and there’s a lot of [LAUGHTER…] grim details to it but you can’t use the phrase…

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  …I was a Carnival Baby and not expect me to laugh a little bit…

CALLER:  Yeah… no…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Now, when you say they hooked up at the Fair, do you mean they saw each other at the Fair; remembered their old flame… went back to one of the…   one or the other’s house and had a night of lovemaking to remember the old times? Or are you saying ran into each – each other at the Fair and then behind the fucking Gravitron, you get conceived?

CALLER:  I – I think it’s more the latter…

CHRIS GETHARD: YOU THINK YOU WERE CONCEIVED AT THE FAIR!

CALLER:  I think it… I actually… I talked to my brother about this recently about like grilling my dad on it and getting my answer, but…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Please… cuz I don’t want be crass – I’m not tryin’ to be insensitive but you’re tellin’ me…

CALLER:  Yeah… well I…

CHRIS GETHARD: …your perception is you were like conceived behind a corn dog stand?

CALLER:  Yeah! I – I imagined in the bathroom but I don’t know…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Fair… but at the bathroom at a fair, that’s probably a Port-A-Potty, right?

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Man, you have had to think hard about the circumstances of your conception more than almost anybody I’ve ever met!

CALLER:  Yeah, well, uh, knowing the details and piecing it together, it’s kinda like, “Well, I hope it… it’s… it’s a better story if it’s at the Fair…”

CHRIS GETHARD: So you do want it to be a good story?

CALLER:  …

CHRIS GETHARD:  Your brother a good guy? Close with your brother?

CALLER:  Yeah…

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you got a good support net here where you’re able to talk about this stuff and it doesn’t – it’s not…

CALLER:  Yeah… I – I talk about it with my… me and my brother and step-mom had a conversation at like the fair

CHRIS GETHARD:  So you got a step-mom? So you’re back in touch…

CALLER:  Yeah!

CHRIS GETHARD: …with your dad to that degree?

CALLER:  Yeah, cuz we got back in touch and almost immediately, he kinda tried to take credit for the kid he didn’t know about…

CHRIS GETHARD:  Oh! In a –

CALLER:  It’s just been…

CHRIS GETHARD: …in a way respect… or in a way…   the… you… did you…

CALLER:  Yeah, it’s been…

CHRIS GETHARD:  He stepped up!

CALLER:  I think it’s… yeah… It’s as good of a relationship as it could’ve ended up be

CALLER:  Yeah, it’s been…

CHRIS: He stepped up.

CALLER: I think it’s – yeah, it’s as good of a relationship as it could have been without (B?)

CHRIS: Yeah, for a 14 year absence.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: ..he got in, he got in there as best he could.

CALLER: I’d been asking him to buy me a car. He could step up there, Chris.

CHRIS: Yeah he could.

CALLER: …but …

CHRIS: …he’s not into that.

CALLER: … yeah, it’s not that bad.

CHRIS: Are you, again, if you don’t want to share it, I don’t know how old you are, feels to me like if you’re in your 20s I could see him buying you the car. Are you out of your 20s? Or are you in your 20s?

CALLER: I just turned 27.

CHRIS: 27. Alright, so right on the cusp. He’s probably like ah, I could buy a car, I couldn’t…

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Interesting.

CALLER: But he also probably feels like come on, you can figure it out….

CHRIS: yeah, and there’s some validity to that.

CALLER: Three years to thirty….

CHRIS: There’s some validity to that, right?

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: So. Okay, so – born – Ron Paul brings you into the world. Your mom’s sent back to prison. Nine months earlier, she had an affair, rekindled an old flame. You grew up, grandparents, overcompensating. You might be in a little bit of a bubble. Fourteen, you meet your dad, things are there, okay, that’s the beginning of high school. What’s next? What’s next?

CALLER: I went to college, I got a history degree.

CHRIS: Uh huh.

CALLER: I had, I got teacher certification, and I just kind of like, ah, fuck it.

CHRIS: Wow, okay. So this, is this where the self-sabotage really starts?

CALLER: Yeah, it’s probably around then, yeah.

CHRIS: That’s when it starts to come, actual life decisions.

CALLER: Yeah. I feel like in college it was a good structure for me because even if I had my criticisms of it I knew well, like get the paper done, do this, move forward in this way. I had the structure that hyper-ADHD probably needs.

CHRIS: Umhmm. Um hmm.

CALLER: And then I kind of got out and I was like ah, I don’t, I don’t’ want to teach history at a middle school or something.

CHRIS: Why history? Why history?

CALLER: Why – I liked it.

CHRIS: Yeah. Any particular period of history, any focus? Or just history in general.

CALLER: Yeah, I like modern history, kind of WWI to present.

CHRIS: Uh huh.

CALLER: Global politics and current events.

CHRIS: Uh huh.

CALLER: Those kind of things. I think I mainly switched my major to history because it’s something I realized I was a big fan of like Lost, may Wookiepedia Star Wars, things… and I’d spend so much time kind of build…

CHRIS: Wait. How does liking Star Wars lead to you being a history major? Sorry I interrupted but, you have a real good ability to just slip in things that are really making me so happy. Wikipedia. The word Wookiepedia was said. I didn’t see that coming at all… I apologize for interrupting. So how does that lead to you being a history major.

CALLER: I realized, especially with like developing kind of an encyclopedic knowledge of Lost and things like that, I was kind of like well…

CHRIS: …. Your brain is built that way, yeah.

CALLER: ….I know I can do this. I know I can store these facts and go way overboard correcting people on this, these made-up universes. I know at least I can do well in kind of the same structure but with real things.

CHRIS: Right. So you can memorize details about battles, about strategies, about planning and what went into periods in between wars, and if somebody writes a paper and says tell us all about the landing at Inchon in Korea, if that’s how you pronounce that, I’m dumb…

CALLER: …yeah, I don’t know..

CHRIS: …you can spit all that out, you can research that and you can retain that and you can break it down and you can tell that story back to that person.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Yeah that’s cool.

CALLER: It was something I realized I can, if I’m gonna get through college that’s one thing I can see being good at.

CHRIS: Uh huh, that’s true.

CALLER: I know I can get by. And if it’s something I’m interested in it’s easy. I can do it.

CHRIS: so you get the history degree, you realize maybe the  history degree is not the most practical, easy thing to practically apply,…

CALLER: …yeah..

CHRIS: .. and you get a teaching degree. Feels like a very good background, or like  a very good next step. Decide you don’t want to teach history, you don’t want to go into a middle school like you said. So it’s…

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Okay, so you’ve made some decisions there in what you DON’T want to do. And how does it, how does it lead to – I assume you graduated around 22, 23 that’s when most people graduate.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: And we’re 4-5 years later, what are the decisions between then and now, because you decided what you DIDN’T want to do and now it’s 5 years later and you still don’t know what you DO want to do.

CALLER: Yes. Well, I got out of school and I was living in a trailer park

CHRIS: uh huh..

CALLER: …my friend that moved into the trailer next to me, she was working at this company.

CHRIS: uh huh

CALLER: ..right? Should I name names?

CHRIS: Hey, that’s up to you. If it feels uncomfortable or awkward we can bleep it out.

CALLER: No..

CHRIS: Just for identification purposes you mean?

CALLER: Yeah. I’m not going to name someone, I’m going to name the name of the company.

CHRIS: Sure, I don’t’ care. Who cares.

CALLER: Because I think it adds a lot to the story.

CHRIS: Uh huh.

CALLER: The company is called Bank Tech.

CHRIS: Bank Tech? (laughing)

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: So you’re, you’re stuck in a job you hate (laughing) and it’s a place called Bank Tech?

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: I’ve never hear a  more hate-able corporate name than Bank Tech.

CALLER: I know, isn’t it..

CHRIS: ..it sounds..

CALLER: ..it’s like they were TRYING to be a made-up company.

CHRIS: It sounds like a thing Mike Judge would make up.

CALLER: Yeah. It doesn’t seem real.

CHRIS: So you just, so you’re just wandering the halls, waiting for Bank Tech to fire you.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: Okay, man. Okay man. (laughing) I gotta – okay. So you’re wandering around, not talking to anybody, going on an exercise bike, sitting in your car, praying that Bank Tech forces you to leave because you don’t have the means to do it..

CALLER: yeah

CHRIS: ..so you need them to force you out, to kick you in the ass.

CALLER: Yeah, because and with them forcing me out I either can cash out my 401K or get severance pay.

CHRIS: Right. Right. Goddamn man, Bank Tech adds a whole new layer to it.

CALLER: I know.

CHRIS: Because I want to get to what’s underneath this if this is okay, because I’m so glad I asked…

CALLER: Oh yeah..

CHRIS: Because your whole thing is I want to get out of this job but I’m – here’s the thing I wonder about. Because again, I complain a lot in my work about getting bullied and stuff growing up, but I’ve had it relatively easy and I know that you’re a guy who I can say, for you to just wind up being a guy with a head on your shoulders, that sounds to me like a victory. Sounds to me like there were a lot of factors…

CALLER: yeah..

CHRIS: ..lot of factors lined up where you’re not the type of person who’s even superposed to graduate college, if I’m speaking frankly.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: … a person born to parents in prison, the, the, you know, the deck is stacked against, man. So you’ve fought through. You’re a fighter. You’ve been a fighter at points in your life because to get to that point, that’s not easy.

CALLER: Yeah

CHRIS: Nobody would have blamed you if you were the kid like burning other kids with  cigarettes in high school nobody would have blamed you, they would have blamed your parents.

CALLER: Yeah

CHRIS: You weren’t that kid, you went to college, you got a degree.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: You’re a fighter.

CALLER: That’s what – my brother, my brother did tell me that recently, like he said, you’ve already won, so don’t stress out that much, just DO it, just do what you want.

CHRIS: And how’d that, how’d that, how’d that sit with ya?

CALLER: It felt good for someone that knows me to say that.

CHRIS: Yeah. And it sounds totally true. But it sounds to me like you, it sounds to me like you, you won round one.

CALLER: yeah

CHRIS: ..but you want to fight more rounds.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: What is it – what is it real- like do you, I don’t’ know, I don’t know. Do you feel like you’re not supposed to take it further?

CALLER: No.

CHRIS: Is it just you don’t know how?

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Do you still know your mom?

CALLER: ..to be part of it. What?

CHRIS: Do you have a relationship with your mom?

CALLER: No.

CHRIS: Have you ever?

CALLER: No.

CHRIS: Yeah. Do you…

CALLER: She’s been around in and out of prison,

CHRIS: ..yeah..

CALLER: ..but it was the kind of thing, like we had some awkward dinners at like a Chinese buffet and stuff.

CHRIS: So sad. You’ve had some sad interactions with your mom.

CALLER: Yeah. And it’s – and it’s the kind of thing where I put in some effort around the time I was in college and she seemed to be doing well..

CHRIS: yeah

CALLER: ..but I kind of realized like oh, even if I hold nothing against you, even if I’m not bitter, this isn’t really going to be repaired. This isn’t going to be much more than it is.

CHRIS: yeah. So you have to walk away from that one at some point. And it sounds like you’re the one putting in all the effort so…

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: So what is – you take a step back. You’re sitting in your car, you’re day dreaming,

CALLER: um hmm..

CHRIS: If money is no object, if background is nothing to overcome, what’s the dream? What would it be with none of those factors, what would the dream job be? What would the dream LIFE be. What’s the dream life?

CALLER: Don’t know if I can constantly give you an answer on that.

CHRIS: Wow. That is a tough one.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: What makes you happy on a daily basis? What are the moments that wake you up?

CALLER: I don’t know. What do you mean, the moments that wake me up? The things that light my fire, get me going?

CHRIS: Yeah, like the things that make you feel like you’re not just smoking weed to numb yourself and still you gotta wake up the next morning and go back to Bank Tech and sit in the car?

CALLER: uhhhh

CHRIS: What are the moments you feel like you’re actually living and not just punching the clock at Bank Tech and fixing your car? Like what are the moments that you feel like fuck yeah I’m actually doing it?

CALLER: I don’t know. I feel like, there are things that I get excited about – music or TV or something, I love your show.

CHRIS: Thanks man.

CALLER: But I feel a lot of those things  I’m living kind of vicariously through.

CHRIS: Uh huh

CALLER: I’m enjoying it but I’m not, I’m not out there living, or I’m not out there doing.

CHRIS: Uh huh. And are y still in a small town?

CALLER: No.

CHRIS: You’re in a city?

CALLER: Yeah, I moved.

CHRIS: So is it a city that has, can I ask is it a city that has culture like that? Does it have a culture of comedy, does it have  a culture of music? Do you go experience those things live in person?

CALLER: Yeah. Not lately, lately it’s been go to work, go home, internet, drink, smoke, sleep, repeat.

CHRIS: So we can call, we can call this one honestly. You’re giving up a little bit, huh?

CALLER: No, I’m not giving up. You feel like I am? What, shutting down?

CHRIS: I don’t’ know, I mean I don’t know you at all beyond the past 43 minutes of our time together but I’ll say, sounds to me like what you’re describing is someone who entered the world under circumstances that I think most people would say a baby shouldn’t have to enter the world with those deficits, and it sounds to me like you fought, sounds to me like you fought all the way through college and then it sounds like after college, sounds like you stopped fighting. But I don’t really know. But that’s just what it sounds like based on what you’re telling me. It sounds like you, you’ve stopped fighting.

CALLER: yeah – that’s accurate I think.

CHRIS: It sounds to me like..

CALLER: ..like I got…

CHRIS: A lot of the stuff you were talking about earlier of like I want to get out, get a new job, figure out what it is, take an improv class, see what my thing is, experience it. Seems like to me like the main thing you gotta get fighting again. Right?

CALLER: yeah. I just gotta DO it.

CHRIS: But you don’t know what “it” is.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: And you have no answers.  Are you still in Texas?

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: You ever think about getting out of Texas?

CALLER: yeah. I feel like I, I’ve never really entertained that as a real possibility, but it’s something I’ve thought about in the last year or so, like maybe I just need to make a bigger change, to force myself to get moving some – move in SOME direction.

CHRIS: And let me ask you this, how do I say this, currently, friend unit? Love life. These other things outside of the professional life that round you out, these other platforms, how are they doing?

CALLER: Friends, I’ve got friends, a lot of friends I don’t’ hang out with enough. A lot of the things, a lot of the things I’m saying like, oh I’m not doing, I’ve got all my friends that are doing improve or are at a comedy club or somewhere I could just show up at and – but I’m just not doing that.

CHRIS: So this is depression.

CALLER: Yeah, I think so. And I think I’ve had friends and girlfriends say, you’re depressed, you’ve got problems and I think I kind of, I – in denial?

CHRIS: I’ve been there. I spent many years there.  And I get – it’s hard, it’s hard to, it’s hard to admit that and people judge it and, and it’s hard to just kind of suck it up and go get help but at some – it sounds to me like you’re well aware that you gotta.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: And it sounds to me like you’ve found some things that kind of numb you to it but nothing that’s actually making some progress to get out of it.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Like drinking and weed will get you through the day…

CALLER: yeah, it won’t get me anywhere good.

CHRIS: And you’ve brought up improv a couple of times. I wonder..

CALLER: Yeah..

CHRIS: I wonder why you’re not just doing it. That’s what I’m wondering, why you’re not just doing it. You say meditating changes your day, and then you just don’t do it. You just don’t do it. And I know it’s not easy, and I know that’s part of why it’s like a thing that needs medication and treatment and I’m in, I take those medications. But what do I gotta do to get you off this phone, what do I gotta do that when you get off this phone you actually pick up the phone and call one of those improve friends and ask them how to get involved. What do I gotta do here? What do I gotta do? You tell me what I gotta do, because I want to help and we got 13 minutes left. And then the phone gets hung up and I might never speak to you again in our whole lives, and this one is, I’m going to think about forever. How do I get you out of a company called Bank Tech. What do I do to make a company called Bank Tech be a thing that’s not factored in anyone’s life, is Bank Technology…

CALLER: That’s the first dragon I’ve gotta slay, right?

CHRIS: You do. You GOTTA slay that dragon. That’s the perfect way to phrase it. How do I get you to slay this dragon, my man? And – no – but here’s the thing. I would even say this, you can, there’s a way for you to live a life where you have to, because you HAVE to go there right now. And that’s miserable..

CALLER: yeah..

CHRIS: … and you don’t like it and it’s fine. But what’s the other shit you can be doing? What’s the shit you can be doing at night to just get yourself feeling fulfilled a little bit, get yourself feeling like, like there’s something after it that’s not just going home and wait for the next time at Bank Tech. What do I gotta do on this one?

CALLER: Um hmm.

CHRIS: How do we do this? What do we do?

CALLER: I don’t – I gotta – I just gotta get motivated, right?

CHRIS: yeah.

CALLER: And do ya have  a pep talk. How do I start fighting?

CHRIS: I feel like this whole phone call’s been the goddamn pep talk.

CALLER: Yeah. I don’t know if you can do more.

CHRIS: But I want to so bad.

CALLER: Right? Isn’t it on me?

CHRIS: It is on you but it’s, it’s a tough thing to say because it sounds  like, it sounds like you’ve lived a life where it’s always been on you and I don’t’ like that I don’t’ think that’s fucking fair. And I bet that gets exhausting. I bet it gets exhausting for you to always have to be the one to keep pushing, keep pushing. I bet that’s fucking exhausting and it has been from day one.

CALLER: Yeah. That might be part of what this uh, I kind of achieved some goals, felt good and just got lazy, let things go.

CHRIS: Well I always think it’s not lazy – to me, it’s not laziness, it’s that you know, you set your goals when you’re young and then you realize those goals are actually achievable and then you’re left holding the bag going like well wait, I thought that was going to take my whole life.

CALLER: yeah, kinda what’s next.

CHRIS: Yeah. Like it seems to me like we – you know, I think, I don’t know if this is everyone in the world, but Americans, the sense I get is that we definitely kind of like put ourselves in the center of this idea of like there’s a story that’s going to have a beginning, middle and end, and then when you get to something that feels like an end, and you’re like oh, wait,  I have to live 60 more years, ah shit.

CALLER: Yeah. But – I just gotta start taking the small steps, right? Doing the things …

CHRIS: Go to see a comedy show … you should be going to see a band or a comedy show every night. You should be staying out  late and talking to people every night, because it sounds like you have a job where you could show up and literally go to sleep and no one would care.

CALLER: Yeah. Or it wouldn&rrsquo;t matter.

CHRIS: It sounds like if you got 4 hours of sleep every night because you were out experiencing art and hanging out with people and doing crazy things and just living you could come into Bank Tech, say hello, lay down under your desk, wake up 8 hours later and do it all again and there would be no consequences.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Go out every night!

CALLER: I haven’t been, I haven’t been living.

CHRIS: You gotta live!

CALLER: I’ve been, I feel like I get off work and I’m like oh, 8 hours of sleep, let’s get through traffic and get home, get 8 hours..

CHRIS: You hate that, you gotta stop doing it. What is tonight? Tonight’s Monday? Something, there’s something cool going on. You’re in a city. I’m just going to ask, my heart is bleeding a little bit. What city are you in? I know that this might identify you. What city are you in, can I ask?

CALLER: No. Okay, I’m in Dallas.

CHRIS: Dallas. There’s shit to do in Dallas. The Dallas Ft. Worth area. One of the best meals of my life was eating at Joe Garcia’s in Dallas, you know that place?

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: It’s a great place.

CALLER: No.

CHRIS: No you don’t?

CALLER: Yeah, live in Denton, I work in Dallas.

CHRIS: Denton has a huge music scene. Denton is like an arts hub of Texas!

CALLER: I know.

CHRIS: You’re in the middle of it all! Go! You go see the Marked Man, you go see the Mine Spiders. Even I know the bands that are in Denton and I live in New York. You go. You live in Denton, that’s full of college people who are beautiful and making mistakes. You’re in Denton? You gotta just go. There’s stuff everywhere, it’s one of the arts hubs, it’s one of those places that you find out about that’s like an oasis in a place that has a reputation for not being cultural, and then you’ve got a place like Denton and it’s not even Austin that’s all blown out. It’s Denton that’s still pure. You gotta go! You gotta just go outside. What are you – you got this. There’s – I know the bands you could be seeing.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: The Marked Men are like Denton legends in the punk world and they did it all themselves. There’s a huge DIY community. You got this it’s right there. You just gotta walk in and be a part of it.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: You’re a well spoken guy and clearly a nice guy. You can do it.

CALLER: Yeah, there’s no excuse, there’s no excuses there.

CHRIS: I’m going to wonder forever if you did it.

CALLER: I should have..

CHRIS: I’m going to wonder forever if you did it. We got 7 minutes and I’m not convinced.

CALLER: I don’t’ know, I’m not convinced either.

CHRIS: No! That’s not the answer I want. I want you to say this is the (permanent) change..

CALLER: I’ve seen enough of my patterns. You’ll know.

CHRIS: Oh god!

CALLER: I’ll go do it and you’ll know.

CHRIS: How will I know?

CALLER: Is that what you want to hear? I don’t’ know.

CHRIS: No, you’re lying to me. I just want you to go be happy and see music and comedy and then wrestle all the autistic kids your heart desires.

CALLER: Ah it’s – I know..

CHRIS: Are you still in that weird hallway?

CALLER: No, I’m outside by a tree…

CHRIS: You’re by a tree. You’re working and they don’t care. You’re not going to get in any trouble for this?

CALLER: No, my boss is gone for the week.

CHRIS: Just start screaming, I need you scream as loud as you can!

CALLER: My boss is gone for the weekend and I’m in charge of the office.

CHRIS: Start screaming! I need you to scream as loud as you can! Break the pattern, do a thing that’s the first …

CALLER: AHHHHHHH!

CHRIS: More!

CALLER: AHHHH. (louder)

CHRIS: More.

CALLER: AHHHHHH (louder)

CHRIS: That’s the first step. That’s what I got – that’s the first step. You just started screaming in the middle of the day.

CALLER: That’s the first step?

CHRIS: I think so man. We gotta bust this out.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: You’ve come too far, you’ve come too far to know that your wheels are spinning and to not keep going.

CALLER: Yeah…

CHRIS: There’s no way, there’s no way.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: You sound like a genuinely nice guy. Is that true? Are you a nice guy?

CALLER: Yeah, yeah I’m nice, I think I try to …

CHRIS: You don’t have to be…’

CALLER: I try to make that my goal, to at least be nice to people.

CHRIS: And you don’t have to be. The world wasn’t nice to you in the beginning. So we’re not going to let this peter out. Did it feel good to scream or just weird.

CALLER: Yeah. No. I’m a very loud person.

CHRIS: That’s good. Great. I’m going to try it, ready?

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS:  AHHHHHH. AHHHHHHH.  AHHHHHHHHH   Are there birds?

CALLER: yeah, there are birds around here.  Someone pulled up right next to me, or I’d scream. Should I scream anyways?

CHRIS: You tell me, if it would feel good, if it would feel good…

CALLER: AHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH  Yeah. Screaming feels good.

CHRIS: It does. Those birds are really loud too.

CALLER: Yeah. It’s kind of a little nature area out here.

CHRIS: Oh, that sounds nice.

CALLER: Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, you convinced me. I was aware of a lot of things, I don’t have any excuses.

CHRIS: Have you said these things out loud before? Have you expressed this discontent out loud before this?

CALLER: Uh, yeah, maybe not in this measured of a way. Of really telling someone like, yeah, this is, I know these are my issues, I’m constantly telling myself. I know I’m drinking too much.

CHRIS: Well that, that’s – have you thought about would you say, do you think you’re at an alcoholic point? Can I ask bluntly?

CALLER: I, I think I would say no, but then if I wrote down on paper like I drink, I go through a six pack or I went through a bottle of whiskey from Thursday to Sunday… it’s not good.

CHRIS: Now can I ask another maybe uncomfortable question. Are you drinking alone? Are you drinking alone?

CALLER: Oh yeah, that’s the only time.

CHRIS: Do you, that’s step one.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: At least drink with a buddy, at least drink with a buddy. At least drink in a bar, at least drink  in a bar where the bartender is there.

CALLER: Yeah, no, that wouldn’t be a problem.

CHRIS: That’s step one. That’s step one.

CALLER: But, yeah, just shots of Jameson off the bookshelf.

CHRIS: That’s it. That’s it right there.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: You could be drinking at a music show or you could be drinking in a comedy club.

CALLER: I go to work and I’m….

CHRIS: You could be retaining and drinking that makes you feel good, yeah. yes, say it.

CALLER: … I’m 10 minutes away from Dallas Comedy House.

CHRIS: You’re killing me. You could be stopping there. Do they have open mics there?

CALLER: yeah, open mic. I’ve known for months, open mic Tuesday. I’ve got something ready…

CHRIS: You’ve got an act, you’ve got an act, you want to try.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: You’re doing it tomorrow, you’re doing it tomorrow. What time is the open mic?

CALLER: I think it’s at 7 or 8.

CHRIS: Is that, so you, on the way home from work you could stop, you could get a meal, you could have a courage shot.. and you could go do it.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: And it wouldn’t even really affect your commute. It would just be a meal that you eat…

CALLER: yeah, it would be right where I’m working.

CHRIS: You’re doing it tomorrow. Promise me you’re doing it tomorrow.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Promise me.

CALLER: I’ll do it tomorrow.

CHRIS: Promise.

CALLER: I promise.

CHRIS: You have to.

CALLER: I promise. And if I’m promising you that holds some weight to it.

CHRIS: I’m telling you, I just took – when you said you work next to the Dallas Comedy House, I took my glasses off and I threw them on this table hard enough that I almost broke ‘em.

CALLER: I’m sorry.

CHRIS: No, no apologies.

CALLER: That – I need to be doing it, right?

CHRIS: No, because you’re right there. You’re going to go do it…’

CALLER: I can tell you exactly, I can tell you the time and day of the open mic

CHRIS: You’re ready to do it and you’re doing it tomorrow. And it’s free. We’re looking it up on the website right now. It’s free. You’re doing it tomorrow, you’re going to do it and here’s what’s going to happen is you’re going to go and it’s going to go terrible. It’s your first open mic. It’s going to go awful.

CALLER: Um hmm.

CHRIS: It’s not going to be fun, you’re not going to be funny and it’s gonna feel really uncomfortable. But you’re going to feel fucking alive man. You’re going to feel alive.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS: And do me a favor, do me a favor. You’re going to get the movie Ikiru. By Akira Kurosawa. I know this is pretentious, watch that movie. Watch that movie.

CALLER: Akiru? AKIRU?

CHRIS: IKIRU. Promise me you’ll watch that movie changed my life and got me motivated. We got less than a minute left and then the phone’s going to get hung up even though I want to talk to you all day, you promise me you’ll go the open mic tomorrow.

CALLER: I’ll be there. Yeah.

CHRIS: Okay, let’s seal the promise. Do you know how we have to seal the promise?

M How do we seal it?

CHRIS: Both at the same time. Ready? 1,2,3 – AHHHHHHHHHHHH

CALLER: AHHHHHHHHHH

CHRIS: I’m going to do open mic tomorrow!

CALLER: I’ll do it tomorrow.

CHRIS: Scream!

CALLER: I’M GOING TO DO AN OPEN MIC TOMORROW!

CHRIS: You screamed that one less loud. I felt you not committing. I felt you not committing to me.

CALLER: Yeah. I’M DOING AN OPEN MIC TOMORROW!

CHRIS: Fifteen seconds left and I just felt like you’re going to bail on it.

CALLER: Uh… I’ll do my best.

CHRIS: Don’t bail.

CALLER: Only Chris Geth- I want to do it for Chris Gethard.

CHRIS: Do it for me man, 4, 3, 2, 1 our phone’s going to cut off, do it, I love you.

CALLER: Alright, love you too.

PHONE CALL ENDS

This is of course the uh, infamous iconic song from the swing scene in Ikiru, the 1952 Kurosawa movie I pretentiously mentioned at the end of that call. If you have seen that movie your heart is now ripped out of your chest because it’s heartbreaking. Highly recommend that movie and of course it’s in Japanese, I’ll translate the lyrics for you. What they mean is GO DO AN OPEN MIC IN DALLAS. The only one who can change your life is you. Thank you to that guy for the anonymous call. It was really so inspiring to talk to you and to hear your life story and you were brave and shared so many details and that beautiful.

Guys, if you liked the show, go to iTunes, subscribe, rate, review, those things help so much. More than  you guys even realize. I know it’s gross to ask you to do it, but do those things if you like it. I want to  thank John, I want to thank Gretta for turning this into not just me screaming with a stranger but into an actual coherent product, a money making product which is what we do here at Earwolf east, man.

You don’t want your producer dancing in your video man, come to the east coast. I’m trying to start a fight where I’m the Didion – I assume Hillary Frank will be the Biggie – of Earwolf east.

And of course I have to thank my friend Shel Shag for contributing the theme music, and what a great band, they’re beautiful, they’re in love. Anyway, Chrisgethard.com for  touring dates, chrisgethardshow.com if you’re interested in that. Support all the Earwolf shows, I’m so lucky to be a part of this and if you ever want to call keep your eye on Twitter, that’s where we plug when we’re taking calls, so hopefully I’ll talk to you some day. Beautiful Anonymous.

(music)

CHRIS GETHARD: How about a little sneak peek on next time on Beautiful Anonymous?

CHRIS: Where did you go when you were 10? What did you need a passport for when you were 10?

CALLER: I’m from a Jewish family so my parents went to Israel.

CHRIS: Oh nice.

CALLER: We did the old pilgrimage.

CHRIS: Are you orthodox? Are you an Orthodox guy?

CALLER: I’m not, but I grew up with it.

CHRIS: Oh, you grew up very Orthodox then you walked away from it.

CALLER: Yeah.

CHRIS:  Wow.

CALLER: Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah, I used to have  a black hat and all that stuff.

CHRIS: You did, you wore the hat.

CALLER: yeah.

CHRIS: Is your family still Orthodox?

CALLER: Yeah?

CHRIS: Did you all shift away or did you break away from the family?

CALLER: Just me, yeah.

CHRIS: Oooh. So that’s a thing.

CALLER: It didn’t go over well.

Next time, on Beautiful Anonymous.

(music)

This has been an Earwolf Production, executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

CHRIS:  It’s such a good movie. Every time I watch this movie I’m like oh, I gotta go get some shit done, man, cuz I could get hit by a but tomorrow. It’s the best, the most motivating movie. Oh yeah, those are the real lyrics: Life is so short, fall in love dear maiden while your lips are still red and before you are cold for there will be no tomorrow.

Look at his sad face! That’s a comedy podcast.