Never Trust Someone Who Dresses Like A Mannequin

There are certain people I cannot and will not ever trust: hooters waitresses, local news anchors and people who buy complete outfits off a mannequin. I genuinely think people’s clothes reflect who they are. Or, at least, who they want to be. Either way I get really weirded out by someone who can walk into a store, see a mannequin and think, “Yup, that’s EXACTLY who I am.” No, it’s not, Friend. It just isn’t. Anyone willing to buy their entire “look” off of a human-being-shaped billboard is:

a) trying to look younger,
b) a dumb momma’s boy trying to reinvent themselves or
c) a huge Kanye West* fan. And yuck, just yuck.

I used to work for this lady who had a real “young fun look.” Over-sized paperboy hat, horrible clunky boots, some awful poncho, giant bourgeois Jessica Simpson sunglasses and, of course, she drove a tedious little Mercedes…classic villain. The First Day I met her, she seemed fine enough. Sure, she dressed a little “young,” but I get that. You do you, Girl. Then, Day Two: her whole look hadn’t changed much. I thought, “ooh, maybe she stayed at her lover’s home and had a limited selection…how young?! How fun?!” But then came Day Three: she really settled in and broke out the CASUAL giant poncho. I knew I was in trouble. Sure enough, six weeks later, when she was trying to fire me for the FIRST time, I realized she was actually not that fun. She was only dressing the part. She BOUGHT “young and fun,” right off the Forever 21 mannequin. And, she actually wanted me to stay off Twitter all day. Ummmm…helloooo? Lady, it’s 2011. That’s actually how “young and fun” people do business.

Now, I know not everyone who’s ever purchased an entire outfit off of a mannequin is a total monster. Most are. But some aren’t. And, those people are generally momma’s boys. For some reason, some moms LOVE dressing their little boys up. Naturally, the little boys love this because mommy tells them they look strong and handsome! This often lasts well into the college years, where things start getting a little … shall we say, “Norman Bates-y.” But guys aren’t as stupid as commercials would lead you to believe. All of the sudden, they’re 25 and still dressing like a big boy and guess what? Big boys don’t get laid. It’s time for a change! So, for a period lasting anywhere between six months and six years, guys convince themselves they’re athletes and exclusively wear athletic apparel – which is just adorable. This generally lasts until their gut turns their “athletic” outfits into a parody and they realize they haven’t gotten laid for a very very long time. So, they go out to the GAP or H&M or Wilsons Leather and pick out the mannequin that represents the type of lady they want to bone and voila! They’ve – AHEM – reinvented themselves, like Lady Ga Ga or Madonna. Only with less rhinestones and more grey casual pants. Don’t trust anyone who says they’ve reinvented themselves. Looking at you now, Bob Dylan. Momma’s boy.

Bottom line: mannequins are so awful they could only accurately be portrayed by Kim Cattrall. And who can trust a Samantha? No one.

*Kanye West has some bangers but get real, he’s music’s Entourage.


Follow Paul on Twitter: @pauldanke