The Inevitable Sitcom Remakes of The Future
Hey, you know what you don’t hear about much? Remakes. It’s kind of strange, because there have been quite a few of them in recent years on both the big and small screens, and some medium screens, like a really big TV or something. There are a handful of people who don’t cotton to them. The main complaint seems to be remakes sully their memories of the original.
This implies these people are being forced to watch these remakes, and also somehow they are losing their memories of the original. If somebody is forcing you against your will to watch remakes you don’t want to see and then erasing your memory of the original, by all means feel free to complain. I reckon you should tell the authorities, as well. Otherwise, there is no logical reason to complain. If you don’t want to watch a remake, you don’t have to. Sit back and enjoy your old Charlie’s Angels episodes in peace.
Beloved sitcoms from the not too distant past are going to be remade soon. To prepare you for the future – but not in any meaningful way like teaching you how to survive in our coming Waterworld – here are some of the inevitable remakes coming our way to future TV.
The classic tale of four friends: Jerry (the funny one), George (the quiet one), Elaine (the woman), and Kramer (the racist). Obviously, Jerry Seinfeld won’t be back for the remake, as he’s living off that Bee Movie money. Instead, the part of Jerry Seinfeld will be played by Dane Cook, who is, in several ways, really a modern Seinfeld. Also, to heal this country, Kramer will be played by an African American gentleman.
In a bold move, the remake of Friends will bring back the original cast. In a bolder move, they will all play a different character than they did originally. In the boldest move, Jennifer Aniston will play Chandler.
I Love Lucy
In keeping with long standing tradition, the part of Lucy will be played by everybody favorite present day redhead: Christina Hendricks. Also, Ricky won’t be Cuban but instead will be Middle Eastern because, you know, topical. Lastly, and ratings wise most importantly, Lucy and Ricky will finally share a bed, as well as numerous sex scenes. Otherwise, it’s pretty much the same show.
Now, instead of being a puppet, Alf will be played by Emmy winner Peter Dinklage. He will weep whenever he is inside the costume and wonder where his career went (this is the future remember). However, he will be redeemed after he wins another Emmy for the gripping series finale in which Alf kills himself.
In a first, The Simpsons will be remade before the original has even ended.
In the campy 80’s classic, the A-Team never killed anybody, despite frequently shooting guns and causing jeeps to flip over. In this gritty remake, they kill a lot of people. Even innocent people. Especially innocent people.
It will be a very faithful remake, except for the minute change of not taking place in a bar, but instead in a coffee shop. Also, none of them work there. Also, three of them are women. People will say, “This reminds me a lot of the original Friends,” but it isn’t. It’s Cheers. It’s very clearly Cheers.
A network executive will take the bare bones of Community and give it to Chuck Lorre to turn it into his style of show, with Jon Cryer starring as Jeff Winger and Abed being turned into a broad stereotype. It will instantly become a big hit that lasts many seasons and Dan Harmon will punch a hole in a wall. The surprising thing is that it’s a brick wall. Also, Dan Harmon is The Incredible Hulk in the future, but that’s a story for another day.
The Cape is brought back when Loki, the Norse trickster god, briefly becomes the head of programming for a network. He has a good laugh about this one, as do we all. Also, we find out Loki is real at some point. I guess I may have buried the lead here.
Side note: It’s alright if you liked The Cape. It’s a subjective matter. I like the show Cavemen. No retreat, no surrender.
Happy Days is remade at a point in the future when it is basically what Deadwood was to us. Critics rave about the character of Howard Cunningham, the Al Swearengen of the show.
The Big Bang Theory
Admittedly, this remake ends up being a bit of a departure from the original. Brought to life at a time when the anti-science fervor is running even more rampant than today, in the first episode the four main characters are burnt at the stake. Sheldon’s last words are, “Why did my parents have me vaccinated?”
This show is remade repeatedly every time a quirky “it” girl decides she wants to helm a TV show, proving the old adage, “Each generation gets the Zooey Deschanel it deserves.”
It’s a lot like the original, only Roseanne and Dan Connor are played by Jessica Alba and Adrian Grenier and everything works out for them in every episode. Basically, it’s Entourage.