The Next Wave of It Girls
Helen Mirren is BLOWING UP right now! She was voted Maxim’s Most Masturbatory Matriarch, she hosted SNL last season and she starred in a shitload of movies. She is Hollywood’s Next It Girl! See, the movie machine has decided the next It Girl is not the next Disney teen. Nope, it’s grandmas.
How did the old lady topple the young thing for It Girl Status? The American Viewing Public (not an actual organization) spoke and Hollywood listened! We’re burnt out on the young drunk actress infatuation archetype, but we’ll never tire of the drunk old lady! She’s Hilarious! And when a young actress’s star fades, we have to watch her career dwindle to a slew of Lifetime movies of the week. This makes us sad. Statistically speaking, old ladies will probably die before they can’t sell movies anymore, which is the circle of life! And, it keeps us all from getting Lifetime-movie-of-the-week kind of sad.
This year, Mirren is on top. Sure, next year a new old lady will knock her from her throne, as Mirren did to Betty White. And White did to Bea Arthur before. So, who’s the next big grandma to tickle our funny bones and boners? Eww! Boners are gross. Well, I’ve got some guesses and made-up rules – the best kind.
First, for my made-up rules. To qualify for “It Girl” status, you have to be a lady in the later years of your life. Not just look like an old lady (sorry Paul McCartney). Second, old lady means you’ve got to be over 70. Oh, you also have to still be alive (sorry cast of The Golden Girls). Finally, no list repeats (this means you, Betty White). The winner receives a hosting gig on SNL, a five-page centerfold in Playboy magazine and all of the free student health center condoms money can buy. Here are my top choices:
6. Jane Fonda
Can Jane Fonda do comedy? Uhh, no duh! Have you seen Monster-In-Law starring Jennifer Lopez? Talk about all the funny wrapped up in a J.Fo / J.Lo sandwich! But, unfortunately, there was that Vietnam thing people always talk about. You know, the thing where Jane Fonda ate all of the Vietnamese food and didn’t save any for the troops? J. Fo… more like J.Pho! Gulp.
5. Julie Andrews
How awesome would it be to hear Julie Andrews say bad words? Pretty awesome. Julie Andrews would be the perf candidate for It Girl. Although, I’m pretty sure Disney owns her soul. So, there’s probably no way she can violate her iron clad Disney contract and say something awesome like “balls.” Unless…she’s reprising her role in The Princess Diaries! Andrews turns to Anne Hathaway’s character and cries, “You’re a beautiful princess! I’m sure you’ll attend many balls!” Hahhhh! We just got Julie Andrews to say balls!!! High fives all around!
4. Paul McCartney
Well, who is this pretty old lady? McCartney! Quit sneaking yourself onto this list. We’re not going to just roll over and choose you because we miss The Beatles. This isn’t Wings.
3. Shirley MacLaine
Who’s kookier than this kooky old broad? Uhhhh…probably no one! That’s a problem. She’s too kooky. Also, she may have been the originator of the Funny Old Lady. Or maybe that was Frances Bay – who IS still alive. Either way, Frances Bay and Shirley MacLaine are a couple of kooky old ladies. Where’s the fun in making them funny?
2. Rue McClanahan
Wait a second…how did you get on here, Rue McClanahan? You’re dead! Nice try, Rue!
1. Angela Lansbury
The coup de grace! Our strongest lead! When Angela Lansbury says “balls,” there’s not a dry eye in the house. Because of all of the laughing. Don’t fight me on this. Also, while she used to be a Disney crony in her earlier years, she’s not been in a real Disney film since Beauty and The Beast. (Side note /sketch idea: Mrs. Potts tells Chip all about teacup puberty, punch it up with lots of tea-bagging jokes.) She’s got the Murder She Wrote quirk with the edginess of Law and Order. All under her bona fide Lansbury belt. Plus, from the looks of her IMDB page, she could use some roles that aren’t shitty second-string fiddle to Jim Carrey’s Mr. Popper.
Ok, we’ve done it. Someone alert Lorne Michaels. He makes these decisions, right? Let’s make this happen people!