A Show Called D-Bag

Up to this point, my Earwolf articles in which I paint a picture of future television certainly qualify as a huge success. Millions upon millions of people responded with lavish praise. I must admit, I am mildly disappointed in that fact. Instead of praise lavishing, my hope was my readers would be so overjoyed and overcome with emotion they would fall into a catatonic stupor.

There is one question repeatedly broached and debated:  how am I able to so accurately and confidently foretell the future of television? There are two main schools of thought.

1. I am a comedy writer using the premise as a jumping off point to write a series of hopefully humorous articles.
2. I am a witch, and I need to be burned.

However, I am here to tell you neither of these is correct. The real answer: I have watched a ton of television. This leads me to receiving TV prediction powers. It’s like the episode of Community where people think Abed can predict the future because he’s such a student of human action. So, there you have it. Well, technically there is another possible reason, but it borrows heavily from the movie 12 Monkeys and…you know, spoilers.

Recently there was some great news for television fans. CBS has bought a TV show from Fred Durst. And Fred Durst is starring in it. Also, it may or may not be called Douchebag. However, if we’ve learned anything from Shit My Dad Says and Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, eventually the show will be called D-Bag or Durst will be forced to star as some sort of pharmacist. According to the website Deadline, “It centers around a rock legend looking for balance between his high profile lifestyle and trying to raise a family.”

First things first: no, you didn’t travel back in time to the year 2000. Back then, Durst was the world’s foremost red ballcap model, and he was the lead singer of the band Limp Bizkit, best known for George Michael’s preemptive cover of their song “Faith.” Also, he’s still their front man. Seriously. They had an album called Gold Cobra come out this year. They also have a greatest hits album that spells hits with a “z.”

Once again, Durst is following in the footsteps of Reba McIntire. You may be concerned about Durst starring in a television show. You clearly don’t remember his memorable role in Zoolander. Plus, he gets to play a rock legend. The whole “trying to raise a family” thing also bodes well. Expect Durst to be baffled by modern popular music and having to deal with his children’s issues. While filming these scenes, he will realize Limp Bizkit was once the popular music that parents didn’t like or understand, and he will then break out in a cold sweat. He will have a daughter, and he’ll be uncomfortable with her dating. He will also have a dog that will be used for reactions for comedic effect.

Photo by Scott Gries

He’ll have two kids, the aforementioned daughter, who will be teen aged and a younger son who idolizes him. He’ll also need a wife who plausibly seems like she could be married to Fred Durst. Are there any porn stars looking to break into regular acting? If not, I’m thinking Jaime Pressly could be a nice choice. She did the whole white trashy thing on My Name is Earl and I Hate My Teenage Daughter is not long for this world once it actually premieres. Durst’s band will have to play a role as well, but it can’t really be Limp Bizkit, which means he can’t really be Fred Durst. They can, however, have the band be called Flaccid Cookie. This will be the band’s name. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

The show is going to be a pretty by the book CBS comedy. Think Two and a Half Men in the Charlie Sheen days. At the very least, the fact that the show may be called Douchebag shows that Durst is at least semi-willing to poke fun at himself. It’s amazing how easy making a shit ton of money makes this. I’m sure there will be some his band is past its prime talk. And it also seems likely at some point he’ll try and fix something and fail or what have you. Of course, in the end, he’ll get some good advice from somebody and act on it and all will be well by the end of the episode. Also, maybe Jonathan Davis from Korn can show up and play himself.

There is no guarantee Fred Durst’s sitcom will make it on TV. However, since I am supposed to be able to foretell the future, and certainly that isn’t a comedic premise, I shall say that it will. It will have a How to Be a Gentleman-esque run, however, where it is quickly dispelled with. Unfortunately for Durst, he won’t be able to go back to playing Rickety Cricket. Despite the semi-absurd notion of Fred Durst starring in a sitcom, the show will neither be an abject failure nor a success. It will just be a mediocre sitcom with a slightly notable name and the singer of “Nookie” at its helm. Now, a sitcom starring the lead singer of Linkin Park on the other hand…

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.