I’ve talked about TV show remakes in these here parts before. After all, remakes are as much a part of television as commercials that teach us women are all callous shrews and if two men accidentally touch hands it makes them male gays. As we hurl towards TV oblivious (future), remakes will begat remakes. It’s already happened. You can’t stop it. History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce, then, I don’t know, as a science fiction show about a race of mutant cats or something.

Let’s jump into the remake rabbit hole with “Charles’ Angels,” or, as it was known to its friends: Charlie’s Angels. The show was about three ladies who, after making it through the police academy, were relegated to menial work. So they quit and ended up working as private investigators for a shadowy figure named Charlie, who may or may not have been Charles Nelson Reilly. Let’s step past the irony of them leaving their demeaning police jobs to run around mostly in skimpy outfits. The show ran from 1976 to 1981, and launched the careers of Farrah Fawcett and… Shelley Hack?

Charlie’s Angels finally received the remake treatment last year. Evidently, the producers tried to make it gritty. They gave Minka Kelly a job – clearly, looks still mattered. Also, only one of them was a former cop, one was a street racer and one was a thief. They also gave the crew some racial diversity by hiring a black woman. No, they didn’t make her the thief or the street racer. Phew – accidental racial stereotype narrowly avoided. And, the show only lasted four episodes.

So, the remake of Charlie’s Angels was a major failure. However, I’m guessing that won’t keep the remake machine down for too long. Batman and Robin didn’t keep Batman Begins from being made. Secret of the Ooze didn’t keep us from receiving the gift of Turtles in Time.

The 2011 Charlie’s Angels remake purposefully tried to avoid being campy or retro in any way. The next Charlie’s Angels remake will take that lack of camp as a sign…to, of course, crank up the camp. I’m thinking the network will treat us to primetime soap version of Angels. Also, this time they’ll go back to making their racial minority Asian. Time for Lucy Liu to return to the fold? Now, the Angels are all former circus performers and Charlie has a mechanical arm like Dr. Claw. One of them is a fire-breather, one is an acrobat and the other is a strongwoman. Oh – and they’ll all wear bikinis all the time.

This show will be marginally more successful, but ultimately only last one season. The next next Charlie’s Angels remake will, instead of reverting to serious again, decide to ramp up the campiness and hire John Waters as the show runner. Now, one of the Angels is a fat man in drag and Charlie is clearly (finally!) modeled on Charles Nelson Reilly. It will have to move to Showtime to meet with Waters’ sensibilities. The remake remake will also only last a season but will be a cult classic.

After that John Waters’ remake remake, STARZ tries its hand at the ol’ Charlie’s Angels television franchise. To make it work in their traditional style, which is to say an almost antagonistic amount of nudity, the remake remake remake starts to resemble an off-Broadway interpretation of Hair. Most weeks, they won’t even bother solving cases anymore. It’ll last a few seasons, before people remember that porn is a thing that exists on the internet.

The next remake (Charlie’s Angels version 5) will go the reinvention route and be an ABC Family show trying to make teen aged girls feel good about themselves. All three ladies are Bryn Mawr graduates. The women will all look more like “real” women, at least that’s what the press interviews will mention. Bosley will start out a sexist, but he’ll learn that, in the end, a woman can do anything a man can. Then he’ll start romancing one of the ladies because, of course, every woman needs to be in a romantic relationship to feel whole. Plus, they are all, like, secretly witches or whatever the kids are into then.

In the next remake, one of the Angels is a Maori gentleman. Then, the remake all three Angels are men, including a Laplander and Bosley is a woman. The next remake goes beyond the whole three Angels thing. So stifling! They add two more, making it three men and three women when you include Bosley. After that, Charlie gives up running a Los Angeles private investigation company and moves to New York to run a coffee shop. All the Angels and Bosley follow him. The new show name is Bosley’s Angels. Angels number 9 has the whole gang staying in New York, but they drop the whole private investigator thing. They just, you know, hang out and bullshit and stuff. Just getting in relationships and trying to make it in the big city and such. Also, they are all white again. It just becomes a bunch of friends goofing around, hanging in Charlie’s coffee shop. It lasts a decade and is supremely popular.

That’s the story of the future of Charlie’s Angels remakes. Another story ends. It’s the story of an underemployed writer living in Los Angeles who was given the opportunity to write for a website featuring several podcasts he very much enjoyed. He was very appreciative of the opportunity, and grateful to the website for allowing him to showcase some of his comedy work online. He asked for people to check out his podcast and his Twitter account, and thanked them for reading his stuff. Then, he turned out the lights in the bar where he did his writing. There was a knock on the door. “Sorry, we’re closed,” the writer said. “You stole that from Cheers,” the knocker replied. “Fuck you,” the writer retorted. Then, he put on his jet pack and flew off to Myanmar where, at the very least, he wouldn’t have to learn the metric system.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

Recently, there has been talk of a spinoff of The Office starring Rainn Wilson’s Dwight Schrute character and his beet-based farming life. Ah, spinoffs. They don’t seem to happen as often as they used to, Joey aside. Once upon a time, a Mary Tyler Moore Show could begat a Rhoda which could begat an animated series starring her never before seen doorman Carlton. That Carlton spinoff only lasted one episode. It won an Emmy.

However, clearly this talk of an Office spinoff means spinoffs are back. You already have characters people like and know. You move them to a swanky new town, give them a love interest and a friend who is a minority. Good to go. It is a license to print money, provided your show takes place in the U.S. Mint. Anyway, more spinoffs are on the way. Here is just a smattering of possible series:

• 30 Rock spinoff where Kenneth goes back to his hometown and works on his family’s farm with an eccentric cast of characters. Maybe it’s a beet farm. Maybe NBC is just hedging their bets.
• Crossover spinoff with the Raising Hope baby and the Modern Family toddler as adults. They solve crimes. Their mentors? Rizzoli and Isles.
• 2 Broke Girls spinoff filled to the brim with nothing but crude stereotypes and horrendous pun based gags. Maybe with the horse?
• Ringers spinoff featuring the long lost triplet of the twins played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. She’s a CPA and her life is fairly dull but, you know, Sarah Michelle Gellar!
• Some of the people from Terra Nova go through another time thing and end up on a still cooling Earth. It’s going to be a pretty short run for that show.
• Wacky comedy spun off from Breaking Bad starring Skinny Pete and Badger. A real “laff riot.”
• One of the sexy, sexy vampires from True Blood leaves the town True Blood takes place in. (Blood Falls? I’m going to go with Blood Falls) The sexy vampire runs a haberdashery in Wichita, Kansas. It loses a lot of the supernatural element, but there is still plenty of nudity and, somehow, quite a bit of gore.
• Episodes spinoff of about remaking the show Episodes, with Matt Leblanc replaced by David Schwimmer. Very meta.
• Mad Men keeps moving into the future, but what if they started moving into the past? In the spinoff, the whole gang gets in a time machine to, like, the 1860s or something. Don Draper and company in The Civil War. Think about it. Maybe they solve crimes. This is probably just a remake.
• A spinoff of New Girl starring Winston. The plot is doesn’t matter. It’s really all part of a plan to repeatedly replace the black roommate with another black roommate.
• A spinoff of Last Man Standing where Tim Allen wakes in a world where he truly is the last man standing. It’s like I Am Legend, but only with jokes about how this is all because dudes moisturized or whatever.

There you have it. Get ready for these spinoffs in the future. Also, TV networks, I’m available to run any of these shows. Like a good spinoff character, we can get to know each other first. Then we can solve crimes together.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

According to televisual personality and Highlander Dick Clark, it is a new year. It is a time for “new years resolutions” in which people make a goal they have no intention of actually meeting because otherwise they wouldn’t have waiting to an arbitrary point to start. However, I am ready to join their masses. My resolution is this: I am going to become such a shameless self-promoter that people will begin to cringe when they hear my name. Although, that may already be true. But only because I have the same name as the guy who wrote three of the Fast and The Furious movies. I’m just going to use this as a forum for pitching show ideas until somebody buys it and I kiss them on the mouth in appreciation.

Here it goes: the easiest way to come up with a new TV show is to “borrow” an existing idea. We are all aware of the hit juggernaut that was the show Cavemen. As we all know, it is a show about modern Cavemen living in the modern world. Here’s my show: Ancient Mayans living in the year 2012. What makes this interesting is that the year 2012 is the end of their calendar, and thus is perceived by some people (like John Cusack) to mean that’s when the world is going to end. So, in a way, this idea still ties into the future.

However, in this world, the ancient Mayans won’t quite be as modern as their Cavemen counterparts. Like Cavemen, there will be three main characters: the kind of bland main character, the dumb one and the one that is Nick Kroll. They do believe the world is going to end after 2012, which is where much of the comedy will come from. It will sort of have a Y2K feel, only instead of about forty percent of people acting ridiculous, only like 10 percent of the people will be acting ridiculous. Still, we will be laughing with them, not at them. Surely, this is a logical and valid distinction worth mentioning. They will be the only Mayans around, and they just sort of have misadventures in the modern world. It will be just like when the Flintstones met the Jetsons.

The characters won’t perform human sacrifices, but they will play ancient Mayan flutes. Was it Mayans who played the game where people tried to hit a ball through a hoop with their hips? Let’s say yes, and let’s say they play it. Okay? Also, they wear fancy head dresses because, I mean, they have to look Mayan, right? They’ll work, they’ll learn, they’ll laugh, they’ll love. Just like us! It will be great.

Of course, the first season has to end with New Year’s Eve. If the show only gets one season – although how could an idea this brilliant not make it a decade – the show will need to cover the one thing everybody knows about the Mayans, which is the world ending in 2012. In the finale, and spoiler alert here I guess, they are preparing for the world to end as the ball drops and then…it doesn’t. The world goes on. Then, things get really somber and serious. Their lives are totally torn apart. They don’t know what to do with themselves. Their entire belief system proved faulty. Sure, this means they still get to live…but do they really want to? And maybe one of them kills themselves. During sweeps week.

So, there it is. Mayans in all its pitched glory. It looks airtight from here. Now, I know some of you may be saying that the Mayan calendar ends December 21, not December 31. Also, they don’t really think the world will end in 2012. They just think it is the end of a cycle of life. We’ll just slap a little “Based on Some Facts” disclaimer on the credits and call it a day. It’s hard enough to get people to watch shows about “those people,” so if suddenly we are teaching them actual Mayan culture, it will just confuse and irritate them, our beloved viewing audience. Plus, it’s not like there are any Mayans around to complain about it – again this is “Based on Some Facts.”

The clichéd ball is in your court, TV People. Don’t let this clear instant classic slip through your fingers. The world is clamoring for the Mayan version of Cavemen. Will you answer the call? At least before ending this cycle of life.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

You know, usually I write about television on this here blog, but I thought, for the holiday season, why not write something that has to do with podcasts. It may perfect sense, as podcasts are clearly the future of entertainment. I’m not just saying that because I am writing for a blog on a podcast website. I’m writing it because Earwolf gave me a week’s worth of cocaine to do so (and I go through a ton of coke, so this was not an insignificant expense for them). Plus, I had an idea that synergizes the holidays, podcasts and the piece I wrote earlier this week about TV shows and Santa “St. Nick” Claus.

I know what you’re thinking: “Say, what if Santa were real and he had a podcast?” Well, maybe you weren’t thinking that, but now you’ve read that sentence and at least the concept is in your brain now. That’s close enough. Since this isn’t an actual possibility, I can’t “foresee” what it would look like, but I can make up a bunch of stuff for fun. It’s like when Nostradamus used to take a bunch of mescaline and spitball ideas when he got tired of seeing the future.

It would make sense that Santa would have a podcast, since the guy probably has a bunch of stories to tell and a ton of things to rant about. I mean, the guy sees everything and he’s been alive for centuries. That’s a wealth of material. I don’t think Santa would bother with guests or a co-host. He’d just go solo. I imagine it would be like the beginning of Mark Maron’s WTF podcast, before he gets to the interview.

What does Santa think about all his portrayals in the media? Which one is his favorite? Does he like Bad Santa? Does he miss Bernie Mac? He probably has a ton to say about toys as well. Plus, the dude has flying reindeer, he hangs out with elves and he’s been married for a long, long time. There has to be some stories there. Maybe he can talk about when he used to hang out with Black Peter. That guy used to abduct naughty children. What was it like to spend time with him? Lastly, I’m sure he’s seen some funny (crazy) stuff while doing his job. Not just people banging but, come on, it would be mostly about seeing people banging. Also, I’m sure he would be able to generate a ton of content. He’s got a ton of free time most of the year.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

You may not be aware of this, but Christmas is just around the corner. If you aren’t aware, you are presumably in some sort of sensory deprivation chamber. And you’re probably not reading this. At the very least, you haven’t watched any TV, which means you don’t realize you need to buy your wife/girlfriend some jewelry or else HOW WILL SHE KNOW YOU LOVE HER? Anyway, if you didn’t know, now you know…and knowing is a not insignificant portion of the battle.

Given the season, there is a ton of Christmas related television programming on right now, including but not limited to a Shrek-based special called “Shrek the Halls.” However, why does all this Christmas programming need to be consigned to a month or so a year? Christmas, and all of its trappings, is very popular. Santa Claus especially. I mean, he can sell Coca-Cola, and that stuff is terrible! Santa and Santa-related things: the North Pole, elves, reindeer and the creepy omnipresent voyeurism remain as beloved as ever. So why can’t there be a Santa Claus TV show?

There is no good reason Hollywood is denying us all from year-round Santa Claus programming. There was once a show where a guy built a robot daughter. Anything is possible. While a Santa TV show is a future inevitability, the only mystery is which channel will take the plunge. Sometimes the future is hazy that way, especially when it fits a comedic premise. As such, here are several possibilities for a future Santa show depending on which network gets in the spirit first.

NBC

A mockumentary workplace comedy about life in Santa’s toy shop. Santa is portrayed as a bumbling, but good-hearted, buffoon, who the elves have to tolerate in order to make ends meet. There will be many disbelieving glances at the camera, particularly when Santa makes inappropriate jokes about the height of the elves. It will get low ratings.

CBS

The show will be more or less CSI: North Pole. Santa, in addition to his job as deliverer of gifts and joy, solves brutal, gory crimes, often of a sexually graphic nature, most of which involve elves. He will not be allowed to say “fuck” because I mean we can’t have that on television, am I right? However, because Santa sees everything, the crimes get solved really easily and the show is pretty uneventful. It still gets huge ratings. Eventually, the actor who plays Santa will leave the show and the character will be replaced by Ted Danson.

FOX

An animated comedy, Santa will spend all of his time hanging out with caricatures of celebrities and getting into wacky adventures. Also, the reindeer can talk.

The CW

Santa Claus is now in his 40s and played by Peter Gallagher. The male elves are all ripped dudes who work shirtless for no reason. Then, a new lady elf shows up. She’s beautiful but she just doesn’t realize it, and will she ever gain the confidence to date Chad, who is, like, the coolest elf ever? Plus, they are all in high school for some reason. You know, learning to make toys and stuff?

Comedy Central

Santa, played by Michael Ian Black, and Mrs. Claus, played by Michael Showalter in drag, bicker their way through life as the most powerful couple in the world. It will be cancelled after one season.

AMC

Santa has become disenchanted with his life. He decides to dedicate part of his toy workshop to drug manufacturing. And he delivers his high quality stuff while also continuing to deliver toys. He also takes up with a woman, often sneaking off from the North Pole to see her, while Mrs. Claus begins an affair with an elf. Then, one day, Santa’s main drug making elf turns up dead. Was he murdered? And is Santa next?

Showtime

Exactly like the AMC show, but with a lot more gratuitous sex scenes.

Starz

Like the Showtime show, but almost entirely gratuitous sex scenes.

TV Land

Santa, played by Ed Asner, is now retired and widowed. So he decides to move to Florida, where he lives with two roommates, played by TV legends to be named later. However, when his replacement isn’t up to snuff, Santa is forced out of retirement and back into the toy grind. He can’t do it alone, so he brings his two roommates with him. Hilarity ensues as Santa tries to get his groove back.

TBS

In Tyler Perry’s Santa, Santa is now played by a black guy in a fat suit and every female character stands in the way of his happiness.

USA

Santa lives at the North Pole, he travels by a sled pulled by flying reindeer and he hangs out with a bunch of elves. He sounds perfect for a USA mystery solving hour as one of their many quirky protagonists.

Bravo

Santa oversees a contest in which a bunch of elves vie to work in his toyshop. Also, this one sort of implies Santa Claus is real, which is weird, right? What the hell is going on here? I certainly don’t have the answers. Ask the guy who runs Bravo. To reiterate, I want everybody who is reading this to find the guy who runs Bravo and proceed to ask him, “Why are you going to have a show that implies Santa is real in the future?” Then, get back to me. Thanks.

Playboy Channel

Honestly, this show will only be tangentially related to Santa, inasmuch as it involved a fat old guy with a bushy white beard. Also, he’s into some seriously kinky shit. Eventually, some really short people will get involved. That’s close enough to Christmas, right?

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

Hey, you know what you don’t hear about much? Remakes. It’s kind of strange, because there have been quite a few of them in recent years on both the big and small screens, and some medium screens, like a really big TV or something. There are a handful of people who don’t cotton to them. The main complaint seems to be remakes sully their memories of the original.

This implies these people are being forced to watch these remakes, and also somehow they are losing their memories of the original. If somebody is forcing you against your will to watch remakes you don’t want to see and then erasing your memory of the original, by all means feel free to complain. I reckon you should tell the authorities, as well. Otherwise, there is no logical reason to complain. If you don’t want to watch a remake, you don’t have to. Sit back and enjoy your old Charlie’s Angels episodes in peace.

Beloved sitcoms from the not too distant past are going to be remade soon. To prepare you for the future – but not in any meaningful way like teaching you how to survive in our coming Waterworld – here are some of the inevitable remakes coming our way to future TV.

Seinfeld

The classic tale of four friends: Jerry (the funny one), George (the quiet one), Elaine (the woman), and Kramer (the racist). Obviously, Jerry Seinfeld won’t be back for the remake, as he’s living off that Bee Movie money. Instead, the part of Jerry Seinfeld will be played by Dane Cook, who is, in several ways, really a modern Seinfeld. Also, to heal this country, Kramer will be played by an African American gentleman.

Friends

In a bold move, the remake of Friends will bring back the original cast. In a bolder move, they will all play a different character than they did originally. In the boldest move, Jennifer Aniston will play Chandler.

I Love Lucy

In keeping with long standing tradition, the part of Lucy will be played by everybody favorite present day redhead: Christina Hendricks. Also, Ricky won’t be Cuban but instead will be Middle Eastern because, you know, topical. Lastly, and ratings wise most importantly, Lucy and Ricky will finally share a bed, as well as numerous sex scenes. Otherwise, it’s pretty much the same show.

ALF

Now, instead of being a puppet, Alf will be played by Emmy winner Peter Dinklage. He will weep whenever he is inside the costume and wonder where his career went (this is the future remember). However, he will be redeemed after he wins another Emmy for the gripping series finale in which Alf kills himself.

The Simpsons

In a first, The Simpsons will be remade before the original has even ended.

The A-Team

In the campy 80’s classic, the A-Team never killed anybody, despite frequently shooting guns and causing jeeps to flip over. In this gritty remake, they kill a lot of people. Even innocent people. Especially innocent people.

Cheers

It will be a very faithful remake, except for the minute change of not taking place in a bar, but instead in a coffee shop. Also, none of them work there. Also, three of them are women. People will say, “This reminds me a lot of the original Friends,” but it isn’t. It’s Cheers. It’s very clearly Cheers.

Community

A network executive will take the bare bones of Community and give it to Chuck Lorre to turn it into his style of show, with Jon Cryer starring as Jeff Winger and Abed being turned into a broad stereotype. It will instantly become a big hit that lasts many seasons and Dan Harmon will punch a hole in a wall. The surprising thing is that it’s a brick wall. Also, Dan Harmon is The Incredible Hulk in the future, but that’s a story for another day.

The Cape

The Cape is brought back when Loki, the Norse trickster god, briefly becomes the head of programming for a network. He has a good laugh about this one, as do we all. Also, we find out Loki is real at some point. I guess I may have buried the lead here.

Side note:  It’s alright if you liked The Cape. It’s a subjective matter. I like the show Cavemen. No retreat, no surrender.

Happy Days

Happy Days is remade at a point in the future when it is basically what Deadwood was to us. Critics rave about the character of Howard Cunningham, the Al Swearengen of the show.

The Big Bang Theory

Admittedly, this remake ends up being a bit of a departure from the original. Brought to life at a time when the anti-science fervor is running even more rampant than today, in the first episode the four main characters are burnt at the stake. Sheldon’s last words are, “Why did my parents have me vaccinated?”

New Girl

This show is remade repeatedly every time a quirky “it” girl decides she wants to helm a TV show, proving the old adage, “Each generation gets the Zooey Deschanel it deserves.”

Roseanne

It’s a lot like the original, only Roseanne and Dan Connor are played by Jessica Alba and Adrian Grenier and everything works out for them in every episode. Basically, it’s Entourage.

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

Up to this point, my Earwolf articles in which I paint a picture of future television certainly qualify as a huge success. Millions upon millions of people responded with lavish praise. I must admit, I am mildly disappointed in that fact. Instead of praise lavishing, my hope was my readers would be so overjoyed and overcome with emotion they would fall into a catatonic stupor.

There is one question repeatedly broached and debated:  how am I able to so accurately and confidently foretell the future of television? There are two main schools of thought.

1. I am a comedy writer using the premise as a jumping off point to write a series of hopefully humorous articles.
2. I am a witch, and I need to be burned.

However, I am here to tell you neither of these is correct. The real answer: I have watched a ton of television. This leads me to receiving TV prediction powers. It’s like the episode of Community where people think Abed can predict the future because he’s such a student of human action. So, there you have it. Well, technically there is another possible reason, but it borrows heavily from the movie 12 Monkeys and…you know, spoilers.

Recently there was some great news for television fans. CBS has bought a TV show from Fred Durst. And Fred Durst is starring in it. Also, it may or may not be called Douchebag. However, if we’ve learned anything from Shit My Dad Says and Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, eventually the show will be called D-Bag or Durst will be forced to star as some sort of pharmacist. According to the website Deadline, “It centers around a rock legend looking for balance between his high profile lifestyle and trying to raise a family.”

First things first: no, you didn’t travel back in time to the year 2000. Back then, Durst was the world’s foremost red ballcap model, and he was the lead singer of the band Limp Bizkit, best known for George Michael’s preemptive cover of their song “Faith.” Also, he’s still their front man. Seriously. They had an album called Gold Cobra come out this year. They also have a greatest hits album that spells hits with a “z.”

Once again, Durst is following in the footsteps of Reba McIntire. You may be concerned about Durst starring in a television show. You clearly don’t remember his memorable role in Zoolander. Plus, he gets to play a rock legend. The whole “trying to raise a family” thing also bodes well. Expect Durst to be baffled by modern popular music and having to deal with his children’s issues. While filming these scenes, he will realize Limp Bizkit was once the popular music that parents didn’t like or understand, and he will then break out in a cold sweat. He will have a daughter, and he’ll be uncomfortable with her dating. He will also have a dog that will be used for reactions for comedic effect.

Photo by Scott Gries

He’ll have two kids, the aforementioned daughter, who will be teen aged and a younger son who idolizes him. He’ll also need a wife who plausibly seems like she could be married to Fred Durst. Are there any porn stars looking to break into regular acting? If not, I’m thinking Jaime Pressly could be a nice choice. She did the whole white trashy thing on My Name is Earl and I Hate My Teenage Daughter is not long for this world once it actually premieres. Durst’s band will have to play a role as well, but it can’t really be Limp Bizkit, which means he can’t really be Fred Durst. They can, however, have the band be called Flaccid Cookie. This will be the band’s name. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

The show is going to be a pretty by the book CBS comedy. Think Two and a Half Men in the Charlie Sheen days. At the very least, the fact that the show may be called Douchebag shows that Durst is at least semi-willing to poke fun at himself. It’s amazing how easy making a shit ton of money makes this. I’m sure there will be some his band is past its prime talk. And it also seems likely at some point he’ll try and fix something and fail or what have you. Of course, in the end, he’ll get some good advice from somebody and act on it and all will be well by the end of the episode. Also, maybe Jonathan Davis from Korn can show up and play himself.

There is no guarantee Fred Durst’s sitcom will make it on TV. However, since I am supposed to be able to foretell the future, and certainly that isn’t a comedic premise, I shall say that it will. It will have a How to Be a Gentleman-esque run, however, where it is quickly dispelled with. Unfortunately for Durst, he won’t be able to go back to playing Rickety Cricket. Despite the semi-absurd notion of Fred Durst starring in a sitcom, the show will neither be an abject failure nor a success. It will just be a mediocre sitcom with a slightly notable name and the singer of “Nookie” at its helm. Now, a sitcom starring the lead singer of Linkin Park on the other hand…

Chris Morgan is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter (@CMorganExaminer) and/or listen to his podcast.

• Just Funny

I’ve already envisioned what a sitcom about the 90’s would look like with pinpoint accuracy and foresight. I could just rest on my fake-television-prediction laurels. We all know how comfortable laurels are. However, that would be a disservice to the several people interested in my articulation of my current-non-existent-TV-shows abilities. So, I head into the fray once more, to ease your anxiety about the future of our dear televisual fairytales. Today’s target: a live-action version of the semi-beloved MTV cartoon sitcom Daria.

Why Daria? Well, one time I read an article about who should play a live action version of Daria. Is there a better reason to do anything? I can’t think of one.

First up, obviously, is to cast the titular heroine. My mind immediately goes to Aubrey Plaza. You may know her from her critically acclaimed work on ESPN.com’s short-lived series of web shorts Mayne Street (and some NBC show and movies). Her roles thus far helped her become the new master of deadpan, making for an easy transition to the Daria character.

There is one minor issue. When we last left Daria, she was just ending high school. I don’t think Plaza could pull it off. She looks young for her age. She just doesn’t look that young. An insult to our make-believe audience! We’re already subjecting them to a warmed over remake. Let’s not ask them to believe Plaza is a teen ager on top of that. As such, let’s go with the Daria-as-adult idea: a single woman trying to make it through the world on her own. This idea kind of reminds me of the show Rhoda, which makes Beavis and Butthead The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Yeah, that just feels right.

Kat Dennings / Aubrey Plaza

All that being said, Plaza isn’t off the hook yet. Let’s project a few potential issues onto her fake-casting. Daria is sort of a short and squat, or at least she was in her youth. Plaza is lean and angular, to the degree I understand what the word “angular” means. Also, I don’t think she’s short, although I don’t really know what height she is. There are two options here. First, I stick with Plaza as Daria and surround her with tall actors. Brad Garrett, Geena Davis, the corpse of Sterling Hayden. Trot them all out. Or, conversely, we cast Plaza as Daria’s best friend Jane and get somebody else to play Daria. This is obviously what will happen. My guess is they will frump up Kat Dennings a bit and go with her. How long can 2 Broke Girls continue anyway? The answer is several years because it is both popular and on CBS. People love casual racial insensitivity.

Maybe Daria and Jane are now living together in, say, New York. Or Peoria, which is, in many ways, the New York of the Midwest. So…I guess it’s New York. Then it will remind people of other shows. Familiarity never breeds contempt… is a saying I’ll pretend exists.

Yes, New York means leaving behind a lot of the old characters. We have to be reasonable here. How many people from high school do you still see if you move away from your childhood hometown? Two, is my personal experience, and I presume the same goes for everybody else. They’ll still be able to trot out their family members from time to time. Okay? Relax, people who fear change.

Anyway, Daria and Jane live together. Jane’s recently divorced. Daria is also single. They are both working…somewhere. Does it really matter? This isn’t a workplace sitcom, people! I mean, who remembers where anybody in Cheers worked? Nobody!

I’m not going to do all the work for future show runners. Unless they want to hire me. People of the future, please hire me! Look at this gold I spin. And, I don’t even care about these assholes. What’s an “Ear Wolf” anyway? Don’t tell them, though. This is our secret, people of the future.

Back to the fake-show creation… Daria and Jane live together and are still best friends. They have to remain the same snarky and aloof people. I mean, not to the same degree. They aren’t in high school anymore. Basically, the show will focus on Daria and Jane interacting with people who will get their goat and what have you. The ladies will comment on the ridiculous situations they find themselves in. However, we have to be careful not to turn it into a show where Daria and Jane turn to the camera and say “Can you believe these idiots?” Then the show lacks any substance or plot forwarding. Unless that’s when people want. Then, by all means, we’ll do that. Also, they’ll still watch “Sick, Sad World” from time to time because, like “The Itchy and Scratchy Show” it’s a good way to fill time when you don’t have enough of a story for an entire half hour.

Maybe Daria’s sister Quinn moves to New York in the pilot? Instant conflict. Maybe Jane’s brother Trent is there, too? This makes sense, because he’s a musician and they live in New York sometimes. Then we get the Daria/Trent “will they/won’t they” stuff. Eventually, they will. There will be an entire episode that is just Daria and Trent having sex. There’s a two-pronged impact here. First, like making a teenager smoke an entire carton of cigarettes, it will become so excessive as to be unpleasant, thereby ending any and all calls for them, or anybody else, to be a couple on the show. Second, it will be really hot.

Okay, Hollywood – there’s the start for live-action Daria. Am I right? Of course. I’m insulted you would even ask that question. This will all happen, so be prepared. It feels pretty good, right? Seriously, future show runners. Hit me up on my future phone. (Note: I don’t know what the future of our phone technology looks like. Actually, my ability to foretell the future is quite limited.)

• Just Funny