EP. 323 — Big Time Goof (Live from Ann Arbor)

Chris [00:00:04] Hello. Ann Arbor, Michigan. It’s Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hi everybody. Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful Anonymous. I’ve been going out on the road a lot, so as has become customary this month, I want to thank everybody who came out last weekend to our shows in Pennsylvania and Morgantown, West Virginia. Those were great shows. What an incredible venue 123 Pleasant Street is with so much history. I’ve never played West Virginia before and it was so cool, so cool to see you there. Thanks to everybody who came to Broken Goblet, another cool venue. Guess what? Got more shows coming up. June 17th I’m at the state house in New Haven, Connecticut. That’s a stand up show. And then June 18th, that’s like that’s this weekend, if you’re listening to this when it comes out, I’m at the Sinclair in Cambridge, Massachusetts. That’s two shows. The early one is a live Beautiful/ Anonymous taping. The late one is my new standup hour, which I’m not- I’ve been pretty blown away. People been responding. I’ve been getting messages from people saying it made them laugh and cry. That’s pretty cool. That’s pretty cool. And I’m going to be all over Southern California the week after that. ChrisGeth.com for tickets on all of those. Everybody. Speaking of the live shows, we have audio from a show we did a few weeks back in Ann Arbor. I’ve noticed- you ever noticed that when this show goes to Michigan, things get weird? Right? A lot of people say the funniest episode was Motor City Madness, which if you’re going, I remember that, what was that one? That’s the one where we had two guys on the phone and then their friend got on stage and it was just it was it was really nuts and it was really wild. And for some reason, when you mix my energy with Michigan’s energy, things get funky. And this one continues that legacy. This is a self-proclaimed big time goof. This call is weird and funny and interesting. Caller I think at times is probably a little nervous. Because of the live crowd, I kind of gave him gave the caller the business on that a little bit, but it was all born out of love. We wind up talking about so many strange, random things that you’re not going to believe. This one has a real old school rampaging energy where I was never quite sure where it was going. The caller was never quite sure where it was going. That live crowd in Ann Arbor never knew where it was going. And you know what? You ask me, that’s how it should be. We should sometimes be in a position in life where we go, I have no idea how this one ends. Let’s just ride it out. But it’s a funny, weird, old school style call, and I feel so glad that I got to have it. I hope you enjoy listening. 

Voicemail Robot [00:03:08] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. 

Caller [00:03:16] Hello? 

Chris [00:03:16] Hi. 

Caller [00:03:19] Oh. Wooooo! Hoooo! Chris!!!!!

Chris [00:03:27] You have instantly and accurately sussed out the vibe of the room here tonight, Caller. These people want this energy. You’re giving it to them. 

Caller [00:03:38] Well, I gotta tell you a funny story. It’s not the first time I’ve ever done this. Not the first time I screamed the name Chris on a phone call. 

Chris [00:03:47] Okay. Okay. Everything going alright? 

Caller [00:03:49] Let me tell you about it. Yeah. Yeah. So you’re you’re a Jersey boy, right? 

Chris [00:03:54] Big time. 

Caller [00:03:56] All right. Are you familiar with the town Rockaway? I don’t think that’s going to give anything away. 

Chris [00:04:02] Lock Lay? 

Caller [00:04:05] Rockaway, New Jersey. 

Chris [00:04:07] Oh, Rockaway, New Jersey. Yeah, of course. Great mall. Great mall. 

Caller [00:04:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah! All right. 

Chris [00:04:13] Route 666 was up there. People kept stealing the sign, though, so they changed it. 

Caller [00:04:17] Okay. What’d you say? 

Chris [00:04:21] There used to be a county road 666 up there, but then people kept steel and the 666 sign so I think they changed it to like 667 or something like that. 

Caller [00:04:30] Oh, I didn’t know about that. Maybe I might I might be a little before your time.  

Chris [00:04:37] Okay, so you bring up Rockaway, New Jersey. I’m very interested as to why. 

Caller [00:04:42] Uh huh. Okay. So I, uh I rented a rehearsal space and a music studio there, and there was a there was a sign on, you know, the old corkboard in the in the rehearsal space and it’s like, Hey, uh call Chris uh, if you’re if you’re interested in being in a rock and roll band, I’ll be a real serious. Ah. You got professional equipment. Blah blah blah. And so there was a phone number, and I called it and I got the voicemail and and I just said, CHRIS!!!!!!!! So that’s that’s that. 

Chris [00:05:30] That’s all you said? That was it. That’s all you said. You just yelled Chris and then you hung up? 

Caller [00:05:37] Yeah. 

Chris [00:05:37] So you never started the band? You didn’t give you your contact info. You just tormented this person and then walked away. 

Caller [00:05:44] Nothing. Nothing. All right. Chris wanted to talk to some people. Know what? I talked to him. 

Chris [00:05:53] I wonder what that guy is doing now. We’ll never know. Never know. 

Caller [00:05:58] I have no idea. That was like four years ago. He never called me back, so. 

Chris [00:06:02] Only four years ago. 

Caller [00:06:03] I guess he didn’t care. 

Chris [00:06:08] All right, well, I like it. And it speaks well to your sense of fun. You’ll just go for shit, huh? 

Caller [00:06:15] Yeah. Yeah. I like to goof. I like to goof. I’m a big time goof.  

Chris [00:06:20] Okay. I love me. Yeah, I love me a big time, goof. 

Caller [00:06:26] You’re a big time goof too.  

Chris [00:06:28] You would say you would classify me as a big time goof? 

Caller [00:06:32] I think so, yeah. 

Chris [00:06:33] Okay. How so? I’m into it. 

Caller [00:06:37] Well you’re, you know, you’re you’re very nice and you like to joke. So I think that classifies a goof. 

Chris [00:06:46] Okay. If that’s what it takes to be a big time goof, then me and you, we’re both big time goofs, bro. 

Caller [00:06:56] So I wanted to tell you. I want to tell you, I want to get a couple of things out. I don’t know if this is too much like inside baseball or like how the sausage is made stuff. I’ve, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve engineered and and produced a podcast before. And let me tell you, it sucks. It’s hard. 

Chris [00:07:18] Yeah. 

Caller [00:07:18] Really, really hard. 

Chris [00:07:19] Hard work. 

Caller [00:07:20] And it’s yeah it’s a lot of work. A lot of work. A lotta work. And they’re doing it right. They’re doing it right. Argh! I’m so embarrassed. I’m going to hang up. 

Chris [00:07:31] No, don’t do that, you big goof. Don’t you hang up on me. Cause I have a feeling something wild is going to happen before this hour is up. And I cannot have you hanging up before it does. 

Caller [00:07:46] No, no, no. I’m not going to hang up. You can’t either. You big goof. 

Chris [00:07:56] You know what I like? Between you kind of messing with me and also forcing the crowd to clap for our production team, I feel like that was half you trying to give props to our production team and half you seeing if you could treat this crowd like a puppet and you their puppet master. 

Caller [00:08:12] (LAUGHS) Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. You might be right. Might be right.  

Chris [00:08:22] Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely laugh, but it’s also somewhat serial killer ish? 

Caller [00:08:28] No, don’t tell me that! No! 

Chris [00:08:31] It’s true. I like it, but it’s true. Ya big goof.  

Caller [00:08:36] I don’t want to hear that. I would never kill anybody. I could, I could never do that. I’d feel so bad about it. 

Chris [00:08:42] Why could kill ’em when you can just keep him alive as your plaything forever. 

Caller [00:08:52] (LAUGHING) All right, all right, all right. Let me tell you. 

Chris [00:08:57] Let’s everybody take a breath. 

Caller [00:08:58] Let me tell you something else before we get into some serious stuff. 

Chris [00:08:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s everybody take a deep breath. 

Caller [00:09:03] All right. So I used to work at a library. 

Chris [00:09:08] Did not anticipate that. 

Caller [00:09:09] A children’s. I used to be a children’s librarian. And I still love everybody who I ever worked with. Some people who were kind of a piece shit, whatever. Who cares? But I went to the library the other day and guess guess guess what (UNCLEAR)? 

Chris [00:09:30] What? 

Caller [00:09:30] Take a guess. Guess what book I took from the library? 

Chris [00:09:36] What book did you take from the library? 

Caller [00:09:39] I want you to guess. 

Chris [00:09:41] Okay, I’m going to guess. Let’s say, you know, we’re going to have the crowd- we’re going to have the crowd- I want everybody in the crowd to offer up your guesses on the hash tag. Hold on. Let’s everybody act civilized. We have a hashtag for a reason. She’s just yelling stuff at me. Okay, caller, we’ve got this crowd is abuzz trying to guess what- I mean if there’s anything that screams entertainment, it’s let’s get a guy on the phone and guess what library book he took out today. That’s entertainment. Okay. Let’s see. People are saying a lot of people are guessing that it is one of my books, like maybe Lose Well. Also, a guy named Benjamin-. 

Caller [00:10:17] Getting warmer. Getting warmer. 

Chris [00:10:18]  Oh, is it A Bad Idea I’m About To Do? 

Caller [00:10:22] I don’t think so. (UNCLEAR) that’s a good idea. 

Chris [00:10:24] Somebody wants to know, if it was The Anarchist Cookbook? Shelby wants to know if it was War and Peace. Abby is guessing that you took out the Bible. 

Caller [00:10:36] No, but I’ve been meaning to read that. Yeah.

Chris [00:10:38] Okay. 

Caller [00:10:43] I grew up Irish Catholic, so, you know, I don’t really know the Bible but I’ve heard about it. 

Chris [00:10:47] Me too. Yeah, me too. Option says 50 Shades of Gray. Oh, we got Lady is saying The Adventures of Frog and Toad, which is a great kid’s book. My kid loves those books. We got. 

Caller [00:10:59] Love that. But no, that’s not it. 

Chris [00:11:00] George guessing, Goofing for Dummies. Margaret mushrooms guesses Catcher in the Rye. 

Caller [00:11:06] Colder, colder, colder. 

Chris [00:11:08] What was it? 

Caller [00:11:10] Should I tell you? 

Chris [00:11:11] Yeah, you should tell us. 

Caller [00:11:13] I took out Lose Well. 

Chris [00:11:15] That was the first thing I said. 

Caller [00:11:18] Oh, really? 

Chris [00:11:19] You said warmer. I said the name of the book and you said warmer. 

Caller [00:11:26] Oh, boy. Ah geez. I’m sorry.

Chris [00:11:29] I said, it was in one of my books? Like a lot of people are guessing Lose Well. You went, Warmer… 

Caller [00:11:36] I thought I said yes. Yeah, right. Yeah, I said warmer. C’mon, guys.

Chris [00:11:44] Why did you say, come on, guys? We all nailed it on the first try. You can’t scold us now. 

Caller [00:11:50] Cause I’m goofin! I’m goofin! I’m a big time goof! 

Chris [00:11:52] You are a big time goof. You’re probably the goofiest goof I ever knew who goofed. 

Caller [00:11:58] Well, well, let me tell you this. This is not a goof. I read the intro and I had to put it down because I started crying. 

Chris [00:12:08] Okay, well that’s flattering. You doing all right? 

Caller [00:12:12] Yeah. No, no, no. I’m good, I’m good, I’m good. But it was just very sweet and it like, hit, oh man, it hit me, man. Hit me hard. 

Chris [00:12:24] Let’s go ahead. Let’s pause there on that. My my book has been plugged. That’s nice. When products get plugged on the show, you know when that usually happens is the ads. Let’s go ahead and do them. Got ads right now. Okay, everybody. We’ll be right back. Thanks to all our advertisers who make this show exist. Now let’s get back to this very unpredictable phone call. 

Caller [00:12:52] Aw man, it hit me hard. Like, aw man, Chris. Oh, I like you. 

Chris [00:13:00] I like you, too. I like you, too. I’m glad the book connected in some way.  

Caller [00:13:06] Well, thanks. Thanks. All right. Okay. Got all that goofin out of the way. What do you want to talk about?

Chris [00:13:16] Well, you tell me. 

Caller [00:13:17] Actually, I. Um, I. I’m stumbling over my words. I didn’t ask you how you’re doing. How are you doing? Are you feeling healthy? 

Chris [00:13:29] Thanks so much. I am feeling healthy. I’m feeling generally positive. I like being on the road a lot. I also miss my son. He has entered a phase where he likes to be bad for his mom when I’m not there and it fills me with immense amounts of guilt. And I FaceTimed them before and he was acting really crazy. And she looked like she was done with that shit already. So I sit here and I-. 

Caller [00:13:57] He was being a big time goof, huh? 

Chris [00:13:59] Aw man, he’s he’s very goofy. And uh yeah. So I sit here with that balance of like I feel so lucky I get to leave and I get to do this and you know, you got to earn money and people are buying tickets and thank you guys all for doing so. It helps me pay the mortgage to keep a roof over his head. And then there’s also part of me, it’s like, Ah, I want to go home and just help with this kid because I like the kid and I don’t want my wife all stressed out. 

Caller [00:14:23] Yeah. 

Chris [00:14:24] That’s how I’m doing. Yeah. 

Caller [00:14:28] How is she doing? In her day to day life.

Chris [00:14:29] I think she’s stressed out, man. I think she’s stressed out dealing with the three year old who uses me leaving as permission to just start going a little apeshit. My son, he’s gotten very opinionated. He’s got he’s like very, very opinionated. And he tries to be a boss. But for some reason with me, like, he’ll flip out for her and not stop. And he’ll stop. Like, if he starts flipping out with me, I’ll just go like, Hey, dude, this never works. Does this ever work? And he’ll go, No. And then he stops. I go, I just it never works with me, right? But, like, he’s so- the other night, he made me laugh so hard. I was reading him a book and he was chugging milk and he was getting into it was one of these double handheld cups, and he’s chugging the milk and he had it up over his head and he wasn’t even looking at the book, so I stopped reading to give him a chance to drink the milk, thinking like he can’t even focus now anyway, I’ll pause. And it’s like, this is like the perfect summation of where he’s at. He’s like chugging this milk, like, so gross, like, just so unabashedly, just like, going just like, uncouth about it. And I stopped reading the book and he, with a cup in his mouth, just side eyes me and goes, keep reading. And then he continues chugging the milk. And I was like, Oh, you’re like an old rummy at the bar for your milk. Keep reading. Like that. It’s like so uncute that it’s cute again. you know? It’s like so disturbingly-

Caller [00:15:48] Oh man. I do know! 

Chris [00:15:56] Yeah. You got kids? 

Caller [00:16:02] No. Not yet. Maybe someday. 

Chris [00:16:03] Okay. 

Caller [00:16:04] But but yeah, like I said before, I used to be a children’s librarian, so I know kids books. I know kids books. You ever read the book Don’t Push the Button? 

Chris [00:16:17] Don’t Push the Button. I don’t know that one. I like this. People are gonna- People are giving kids book recommendations in the comments. You want to hear what’s come up so far? And you can tell us as a former kids librarian if you agree. 

Caller [00:16:30] Yeah. Tell me. 

Chris [00:16:31] David brings up If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. 

Caller [00:16:35] Yep. Classic. 

Chris [00:16:36] Frog and Toad came up, which I’m a big fan of. We do have-

Caller [00:16:42] Also before you go on. Frog and Toad. Possible gay couple. Love it.

Chris [00:16:49] Oh yeah. I think very clear. Very clear that that that old, opinionated toad. Yeah. And let’s see. Margaret does want me to point out- 

Caller [00:16:57] I heard the cheers. I heard cheers. 

Chris [00:17:00] Caller, I think you might enjoy this. Margaret says, The line between goof and stinker is thin today. So Margaret appreciates your goofy energy, but thinks you’re right on the edge of being a stinker. So be careful. Be careful. 

Caller [00:17:12] A stinker? I don’t want to be a stinker. 

Chris [00:17:14] At wrinkled shirt McJenkins, who earlier in the show did hit on me, brought up Everybody Poops, which I’ve read Everybody Poops three, four nights a week right now. I don’t know if you know that one. It’s about all these different animals and how they poop. 

Caller [00:17:27] No. 

Chris [00:17:28] Yeah, yeah. It’s really good. 

Caller [00:17:30] Oh, how they poop? Oh man. 

Chris [00:17:31] Yeah. Try to destigmatize pooping for potty training. 

Caller [00:17:34] There’s so many books about poop. 

Chris [00:17:35] Yeah. These kids are potty trained.  

Caller [00:17:39] You know, the classic Everybody Poops. You know, everybody knows that one. 

Chris [00:17:43] It is. It’s by a Japanese author. 

Caller [00:17:45] There’s a great one about like zoo poop. 

Chris [00:17:45] Zoo poop? 

Caller [00:17:49] And it shows you like pictures of giraffe poop. Rhino poop. Lion poop. So many- there’s so many poops! 

Chris [00:17:59] You would love Everybody Poops. They show all those. And they show a whale poop, a mouse poop. There’s a good joke about how camels poop. It’s a good book. I cannot believe this is our live show. 

Caller [00:18:12] God, is it cows or rhinos they spin their tails and the poop just goes everywhere? 

Chris [00:18:19] Right. You’re telling me that cows or maybe rhinos create, like, use their tail to create poop rotor blades that spread the poop? 

Caller [00:18:27] Mm hmm. Yeah. So I like that their tails are like a (UNCLEAR) the poop just shoots out. It’s wild. You can go on YouTube, you can watch it. 

Chris [00:18:40] I probably will at some point. 

Caller [00:18:49] I. I’ll tell you something. I’ll tell you something. All right, so we’re talking about laughs, right? 

Chris [00:18:57] Talking about laughs, yeah. 

Caller [00:18:59] You ever seen the, the, the puppet master movies? 

Chris [00:19:04] I’ve never seen them. No. 

Caller [00:19:07] You’ve never seen puppet master? Get outta town. 

Chris [00:19:09] Never seen it. 

Caller [00:19:09] Get out of town. 

Chris [00:19:10] Yeah. No. 

Caller [00:19:12] Really? Really? Aw man. 

Chris [00:19:15]  I’m not a fan of horror movies. I get too easily scared. 

Caller [00:19:19] Ah, you get scared? 

Chris [00:19:24] Yeah. Yeah. 

Caller [00:19:29] Well, I’ll tell you this. I’ll tell you this. I think maybe, maybe you might like it. I don’t think it’s Puppet Master one, might be Puppet Master two, there’s this character that comes in. His name is Six Shooter. And and and please, please don’t take this the wrong way. I mean. I mean it in the most loving way that I could ever say ever. So there this character and he’s called Six Shooter, and he’s got like six arms with like guns. He’s a cowboy, and he has this laugh that’s like (WEIRD LAUGH). And sometimes when I hear you laugh it reminds me of Six Shooter and I love it.

Chris [00:20:17] Cool, man. Cool. 

Caller [00:20:24] Is that alright? 

Chris [00:20:26] Yeah, that’s fine by me. 

Caller [00:20:27] You’re. You remind me of my favorite evil puppet. Oh, uh. I mean that in the most loving way. I really do. Oh, boy. I just goofed. I just goofed again. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I hope I didn’t make you feel bad.  

Chris [00:20:54] No, I don’t feel bad. Just legitimately overwhelmed and slightly confused. 

Caller [00:21:02] Well, there you go. 

Chris [00:21:03] Yeah. Got 42 minutes left. 

Caller [00:21:09] How many? 

Chris [00:21:10] 42. That’s a lot. We do. We also are already somehow hitting the point. 

Caller [00:21:16] Goddamnit I did it again! 

Chris [00:21:16] People are leaving comments in German now on the hashtag. (SPEAKS IN GERMAN) I don’t know what I just said but people are using German. 

Caller [00:21:30] Yeah I don’t know either. What. What’d you say?

Chris [00:21:32] This is a weird night. I should just always bring this show to Michigan. This show is always weird. Always weird in Michigan. 

Caller [00:21:42] Yeah, yeah. But before we get into the stuff, you’re in Ann Arbor tonight? 

Chris [00:21:46]  I’m in Ann Arbor. Yeah. Yeah. 

Caller [00:21:49] Wow. Cool. 

Chris [00:21:50] Great town. 

Caller [00:21:51] I would love to go there. I got to ask I got to ask the crowd. Why isn’t it called Ann Harbor? Why is it Ann Arbor. 

Chris [00:22:09] Well, it’s not someone just yelled out it’s not by water, so it can’t be a harbor. 

Caller [00:22:14] Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. All right. There it is. All right, got my answer. 

Chris [00:22:27] What did you want to talk about tonight?  

Caller [00:22:32] I don’t know. There’s, like, a bunch of things I’ve done in my life. You want me to start at college? 

Chris [00:22:44] Okay. People are pointing out that this town is known for its trees. That’s why arbor. It’s called tree city. 

Caller [00:22:52] Oh, trees. Oh, that makes it. Oh, my God that- fuck! 

Chris [00:22:56] People are so tweeting photos of Six Shooter at me and it’s disturbing. Someone named irrital boy pussy syndrome is tweeting pictures of Six Shooter at me. That’s a sentence I’m happy to say. Also Tia- where’s Tia? 

Caller [00:23:09] Isn’t he cool? 

Chris [00:23:10] Tia is cold. Tia asked if she could borrow my jacket and I’m a giving human being. There you go. I’ll need that back after the show, Tia. Thank you. 

Caller [00:23:21] I want to get I want to get a tattoo of Six Shooter someday. 

Chris [00:23:24] You’re going to get a tattoo of that on your body? Oh, my goodness. Okay. Okay. So what did you tell Andrea when Andrea asked you what you were going to talk about, you goof? 

Caller [00:23:35] You goof. You goof. All right. So arbor. All right. Trees, right? Environmental science. Guess what? That’s what I went to school for. 

Chris [00:23:45] Environmental science. 

Caller [00:23:48] Yep. Guess what my favorite class was? 

Chris [00:23:51] What was your favorite class? Let’s see. Something about tides? Was it about something about tides and oceans? 

Audience Member [00:23:59] Hydrology. 

Chris [00:24:00] Hydrology. 

Caller [00:24:00] How? How did you know that? 

Chris [00:24:05] I am getting a sense of your vibe. 

Caller [00:24:10] Oceanography. That was my favorite class. And I know that your dad will like that. 

Chris [00:24:14] Yeah, my well, my dad has a Ph.D. in environmental science. He got it right before he retired. 

Caller [00:24:18] I know, I know. I know. I’ve heard. I’ve heard rumors about it. 

Chris [00:24:23] So you went to school. What did you like so much about this oceanography? 

Caller [00:24:29] Oh, man. It was just so fascinating. Like. You know that thing, that phrase like the seventh wave is always the biggest? 

Chris [00:24:42] I have not heard that phrase before. Round of applause. Have you heard that phrase? The seventh wave is always the biggest. There’s one person in the back. 

Caller [00:24:52] It’s a Sting song. Love is the seventh wave. 

Chris [00:24:54] Okay. Okay. 

Caller [00:24:58] Don’t. Don’t. Don’t think about that. Don’t think about Sting. He’s not a scientist. He’s a musician. 

Chris [00:25:04] Okay. 

Caller [00:25:04] But the seventh wave, actually- get this- is the biggest. You watch waves, like one wave, two waves, three waves, four waves, five waves, six waves… Number seven. Oh, it’s huge. 

Chris [00:25:25] I have a question that I think might make me feel dumb, might make me look dumb, but I’m going to ask it because no such thing as a stupid question. When you’re looking at the ocean, how do you know which one is the first wave? 

Caller [00:25:38] Well, well, that’s the thing. That’s the thing. That’s why I spent all day down the shore at Sandy Hook. 

Chris [00:25:46] Sandy Hook. Great place. 

Caller [00:25:47] You know where that is? 

Chris [00:25:48] I do. 

Caller [00:25:49] See? So you stand there for a while and you’re like, hmm? Which one’s the big one? Which one’s a small one? And you watch it for a while and you count ’em. And you’re like, Whoa! Yeah, that one was the biggest one. It’s (UNCLEAR). It’s (UNCLEAR).

Chris [00:26:07] Okay. Do you still live in New Jersey? 

Caller [00:26:10] I do. I do. 

Chris [00:26:12] You do? They just recently legalized marijuana. 

Caller [00:26:15] I’ll tell. I’ll tell you where. And I don’t. I don’t think this is going to give anything away. 

Chris [00:26:21] Okay. 

Caller [00:26:22] I don’t mind. And if anybody wants to come to my house and, like, rob me, who cares? That’s fine. Um, I live in a town called Denville. 

Chris [00:26:32] Denville. I know it well. The Denville Smokeshop. Workshop. 

Caller [00:26:35] I bet you do. I bet you do. 

Chris [00:26:39] Yeah, I used to, uh, when we- I used to work for Weird New Jersey, and they used to sell the magazine at the Denville Smoke Shop. I used to go drop off the deliveries there. 

Caller [00:26:48] Yes! I love that store. 

Chris [00:26:51] Yeah, Denville’s a real good town. I like Denville a lot. 

Caller [00:26:56] Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Yeah, it’s pretty alright. I’m living with my folks right now. It’s, um. You know, it’s okay. Okay. I don’t hate it. I don’t hate it. It’s all right. 

Chris [00:27:12] Uh huh. Uh huh. 

Caller [00:27:15] I, I would love. I would love to live on my own, though. 

Chris [00:27:19] Someday you’ll get there. You’ll get there. 

Caller [00:27:23] Now’s just not the time. 

Chris [00:27:24] Okay. 

Caller [00:27:26] Should I tell you about my narrow urethra? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Did you hear what I said? 

Chris [00:27:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead and tell me about your narrow urethra. Right. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Tell me about your narrow urethra. I kind of feel like that might be the whole story, but. Yeah. Tell me. Tell me. I kind of think I know the beginning, middle and end, but, yeah. Tell me everything you need to tell me about your narrow. 

Caller [00:28:06] You watch King- you watch King of the Hill, right? 

Chris [00:28:10] I have seen King of the Hill from time to time in my life. Yes. 

Caller [00:28:14] Okay. Hank Hill is a very stoic man, right? But he’s got this one problem. Actually has two problems. One, he has no ass. And two, he has a narrow urethra. And guess what? I’ve also got a narrow urethra. 

Chris [00:28:36] And and how does that affect your life? 

Caller [00:28:41] It’s it’s not great. It’s not great. So officially, the medical term it’s called a septated urethra. So. Oh, boy. We’re going to get we’re going to get graphic here. Is that okay? 

Chris [00:28:59] It’s fine by me. How about you, Ann Arbor? Yeah. Everybody start to get graphic. 

Caller [00:29:06] All right, all right. Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you, people. So um… my dick is split in two. 

Chris [00:29:22] Did you just say your dick is split in two? 

Caller [00:29:27] What’s not like split in two but but there’s a piece of skin that goes through my pee hole that that separates like the whole thing. So like the pee comes out like one side of it but not the other side. It’s weird. I don’t know. 

Chris [00:29:47] So it kind of looks like you have almost like two pee holes but one’s functional and one’s not?

Caller [00:29:51] I don’t know why I wrote that down. I shouldn’t have told you that. 

Chris [00:29:55]  Listen, you did. So you’re telling me you basically have two pee holes. One functions. One doesn’t? 

Caller [00:30:02] Yes. 

Chris [00:30:04] And as has the other one ever functioned? 

Caller [00:30:08] I don’t know. I never. I’ve never filmed myself taking a piss, so I don’t really know. 

Chris [00:30:16] And is this. This is true for all bodily functions? It’s not like you pee out of one hole and ejaculate out of the other.

Caller [00:30:22] No, my butt works. I mean not really. I have diarrhea all the time.  

Chris [00:30:31] Did you just say you have diarrhea all the time? 

Caller [00:30:33] All comes out of the same place, I think. 

Chris [00:30:34] Yet another thing we have in common. 

Caller [00:30:35] Every day. 

Chris [00:30:41] Yeah. Yeah. 

Caller [00:30:43] Oh, boy. Do I have to go to a doctor? 

Chris [00:30:46] You’ve never been to a doctor for this? 

Caller [00:30:50] Not recently. No. No! I didn’t have health insurance for the past, like, three or four years. 

Chris [00:30:59] Wow. 

Caller [00:30:59] But I do have it now so that maybe I should go tomorrow? I don’t know.  

Chris [00:31:04] Does the narrow urethra have any effect on your life besides the second pee hole. The phantom pee hole. Which is another great kid’s book. 

Caller [00:31:12] It’s it’s not really that it’s not really that bad. 

Chris [00:31:17] Yeah. It doesn’t like increase the pressure of your pee or anything like that? 

Caller [00:31:23] Not really. I mean it’s a thing I’ve had my whole life, so whatever. 

Chris [00:31:27] Okay. Okay. So, yeah, we’ve covered that topic. Yup. 

Caller [00:31:33] Can I tell you a funny story? 

Chris [00:31:38] Yeah, you can tell me a funny story. 

Caller [00:31:42] Ooh, ooh. This is gonna be gross. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay. All right. So, um, two weeks ago. All right. Oh, boy. Oh geez. I shouldn’t tell you this, but I will. I hooked up. I hooked up with a girl I went to high school with, right? 

Chris [00:32:06] Okay. 

Caller [00:32:09] And, uh. This is funny. This is going to be a long one. How many minutes do we have left? 

Chris [00:32:16] It’s 56? What? No, um 30. We have 30, 30 minutes and 33 seconds. 

Caller [00:32:24] Oh, perfect. I’m going to take 80 minutes. No, I’m just kidding. It’s not that long. All right, so, uh so a couple years ago, this girl I went to high school with, she’d moved to Colorado, and she came back to New Jersey. And we were talking. And this is like 2019, right before the before the big stupid thing. Covid. Before that happens. And we were hanging out and it was like, whoa, cool. I like you. Wow, you’re really cool. It was great. She’s like, I have a boyfriend. I’m like, okay. And then she went away. But like two weeks ago, she came back and guess what, Chris?

Chris [00:33:18] My guess is no boyfriend. No boyfriend. 

Caller [00:33:23] No boyfriend! 

Chris [00:33:26] Uh huh. Okay. 

Caller [00:33:29] And, uh. And, uh. Uh. It was… I was doing a thing. It was open mic night, and we were hanging out. She’s like, Oh, you played some cool songs. And I was like, Oh, I fucked them all up. Sorry Sally. Man, I messed up all the songs. And then she was going home and I was like, Oh, it was really cool hanging out with you. And give her a kiss on the cheek. And she didn’t do anything. And I was like, okay. And then I got home and she text me. She’s like, Oh, I shoulda kissed you back. I was like whoa! That’s cool. 

Chris [00:34:17] All right, let’s pause. That’s one of life’s happy moments when something like that happens, right? Great time for a pause. Great time for a break. Great time for some ads. We’ll be right back. Thanks again to all our advertisers. Now let’s go ahead and finish the phone call. 

Caller [00:34:42] Wow! That’s cool. I took a chance for once in my goddamn life, and, uh, whooo! 

Chris [00:34:55]  Uh huh. 

Caller [00:34:59] I’m not tell that. I’m not telling the story right. I’m too stoked. I’m too stoked, dude.

Chris [00:35:08] And that’s where things are at right now is she said, I should have kissed you back, and now you’re just waiting to hang again? 

Caller [00:35:14] Yeah. Well, guess what? Next day, she comes over. We do a little smooching. Do a little smooching. Ooooh! And, and we hang out for the next couple of days. And then she goes back to Colorado. She’s gonna come back in a couple of weeks, and we’re going to go we’re going to see a- what movie are we gonna see? We’re going to see Jurassic World. In two weeks! 

Chris [00:35:50] There’s a new Jurassic World coming out? I missed the boat on that one. 

Caller [00:35:56] I saw the trailer. I’m not I’m not particularly excited about it. But whatever. A chance to hang out with somebody who maybe I might be in love with. I don’t know. 

Chris [00:36:09] I like that. I hope it goes well. You’re going to go see it at the AMC up at the Rockaway Mall? 

Caller [00:36:16] Hell yeah, dude! That’s the one. 

Chris [00:36:21] Yeah. I was just there a few weeks ago. I saw a movie there. 

Caller [00:36:26] Really? What did you see? 

Chris [00:36:28] What did I see? Hallie and I went and saw… We thought it was- this is a story that no one in Michigan will care about. But you’ll go, I could picture this in my mind. I mixed it up. I thought it was at the East Hanover Theater on route ten. And we got there and they said, the movie’s not playing at this time. And I realized I messed up and we booked it over to Rockaway and we made it in time to see a movie I have completely forgotten. 

Caller [00:36:57] Oh, man. Was it Morbius? Did you see that? 

Chris [00:37:01] No, I didn’t see Morbius. Look, I’m the biggest Marvel fan there is. Even I ain’t seeing Morbius. Sorry, everybody.

Caller [00:37:06] No, I know, I know. I know! Oh man, we could talk for like 5 million hours about Spider-Man if you wanted to. 

Chris [00:37:16] Here’s the thing is, I love Marvel to death, and I applaud them. They’re going for it. But they’re trying to squeeze movies out of characters that were not even particularly popular in the comics. So I guess they got to take some swings on that. But I just can’t watch Jared Leto, an actor who’s been hit or miss in my experience viewing him- personal preference- be portraying Morbius, a character who I’ve never responded to just out of brand affiliation for Marvel, of which I have a lot. I got through six episodes of the Moon Knight Show and I really liked Oscar Isaac. He was great, but I don’t need to hear the word khonshu another time in my entire life. I felt vaguely embarrassed every time an actor had to say the word khonshu. 

Caller [00:37:58] I was very confused by that show. 

Chris [00:38:00] Yeah, me too. I was mostly was like, I want more fighting because I can’t take this stark look at the horrors of mental illness. Like this is hitting a little too close to home. It’s making me think of my early twenties a little too much. 

Caller [00:38:16] Yeah, it was weird. I saw Doctor Strange 2 last week. 

Chris [00:38:22] I saw Doctor Strange 2. I liked it. How did you like it? 

Caller [00:38:26] Liked it too. It was confusing for like an hour and a half. And then it was really exciting. And then it was confusing again. I don’t know, I don’t I don’t want to talk crap about that. They’re doing their thing. I didn’t write it. Whatever. Who cares? 

Chris [00:38:45] Yeah, you just go and you have fun. 

Caller [00:38:46] Fun stuff! 

Chris [00:38:49] Someone- irritable boy pussy syndrome just pointed out, Chris, you did a whole fucking HBO special about the stark horrors of mental illness. What the fuck are you talking about? Fair point. Fair point. Touché, boy pussy syndrome. Touche. All right, caller, we still got some time left. Where are we going next, my friend? My Morris County friend. 

Caller [00:39:16] We can we can talk about a lot of things. Ooh can I- ooh boy, can I alienate everybody in the tneire room right now? 

Chris [00:39:25] You want to alienate everybody in the room? (MAN CHEERS) One guy is really into that idea. 

Caller [00:39:33] Yeah, I heard that. I heard that. 

Chris [00:39:35] Yeah. He wants to be alienated. Bad.

Caller [00:39:41] I tell you this. Hang on. I gotta. I gotta take a deep breath for this.  

Chris [00:39:51] Hello?

Caller [00:39:53] Dogs. 

Chris [00:39:54] What? 

Caller [00:39:56] Dogs. 

Chris [00:39:57] Dogs? 

Caller [00:40:00] Yeah. 

Chris [00:40:00] What about ’em? What about dogs? 

Caller [00:40:03] Well, I. I’m a cat man. I like. I like to think of myself as the king of cats.  

Chris [00:40:14] Did you just say the sentence, I like to think of myself as the king of cats? 

Caller [00:40:20] Yes. 

Chris [00:40:21] You did. What does this mean, being the king of cats? 

Caller [00:40:26] I understand cats. Cats understand me. But on the other side, I don’t really understand dogs and dogs don’t really understand me. 

Chris [00:40:38] You don’t understand dogs. They don’t understand you. 

Caller [00:40:42] Yeah. It’s kind of a problem, right?  

Chris [00:40:50] Wait, did you just put your face, like, farther away from the phone? 

Caller [00:40:55] No. No, I didn’t. 

Chris [00:40:57] Okay, now you’re back. Okay. 

Caller [00:40:59] Or maybe I did. Are we back?

Chris [00:41:02] You sound good again. 

Caller [00:41:05] Should I say it again? 

Chris [00:41:06] Yeah. Say it again. Say it again. 

Caller [00:41:08] Okay. I am the king of cats. Cats understand me. I understand them. I don’t understand dogs and they don’t understand me either. 

Chris [00:41:24] What do you think it is about you that has developed such an understanding and kinship with cats? 

Caller [00:41:29] I don’t know! I wish I knew! I wish- I want to understand dogs, but I don’t. They don’t get me and I don’t get them either. But I don’t know what it’s all about. 

Chris [00:41:43] How many? How many cats do you own? 

Caller [00:41:47] I have three cats. 

Chris [00:41:48] You have three cats. That’s a good amount of cats. 

Caller [00:41:52] I have I have I have uh two, two white cats and one gray tabby shorthair cat. He has one eye. He’s so cute and so handsome. 

Chris [00:42:06] Do you know how do you know how your cat lost its eye? I owned a one eyed cat as a child. My family had a one eyed cat. 

Caller [00:42:13] Yes! Ooh! I do. I do know. And oh my god. Oh woo! Chris, thanks for reminding me. So my cat, I won’t say his name. We’ll call him S. 

Chris [00:42:27] Yes, yes, yes. Keep it anonymous. 

Caller [00:42:32] Exactly. Yeah. So S grew up in East Orange. And you grew up in West Orange, am I right? 

Chris [00:42:43] Yeah. Right. Yeah. Correct. 

Caller [00:42:45] Yeah. Yeah. All right. Are they close? 

Chris [00:42:49] Uh huh. Are they close? Yeah. East Orange just, you know, slightly east. It’s a little bit east of West Orange. Yeah, it’s West Orange, Orange, East Orange. 

Caller [00:43:01] You guys were neighbors. 

Chris [00:43:02] Yeah. Yeah, I’m very familiar with East Orange, so. 

Caller [00:43:06] But he is only six, so maybe, maybe you didn’t grow up at the same time. I’m goofin. I’m goofin. I’m a big time goof. 

Chris [00:43:18] How did the cat lose its eye? 

Caller [00:43:24] Well. Well, oh boy ah man this is so sad. So he. He’s kind of like the wonky eye. And he had a couple of teeth missing. And he also he can’t meow. Like his his voice box doesn’t work so the vet thinks that he probably got hit by a car when he was young. But he’s okay. 

Chris [00:43:50] Now Denville and East Orange are very far apart. How did you come into possession of this one eyed cat from East Orange, New Jersey? 

Caller [00:44:00] Uh huh. So, um, a lady who rescues cats was in touch with a former boss of mine who got in touch with me. And I was like, Oh, I got to take care of this cat. And that was actually after like one of my other cats had died like two months before. And I was like, Oh, I’m never going to have a cat again. I can’t, I can’t deal with this. But but I saw him and I was like, yo dude. This cat needs my help. And I got him. And now we’re best friends. 

Chris [00:44:39] I do like knowing that there was someone in your life who in touch with this cat rescue. And the cat rescue person was like, I got this cat, but the cat’s real fucked up. And then the person in your life was like, I got the guy. 

Caller [00:44:54] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is that- is that cool?  

Chris [00:44:59] It is cool. I think that speaks highly of you. (CROWD CHEERS)

Caller [00:45:04] Oh, well thanks. Aw man oh boy I’m gonna get emotional. 

Chris [00:45:09] Now very important question has come up in the on the hashtag. Do you want to know? 

Caller [00:45:15] Yeah. 

Chris [00:45:15] And I feel like this is going to be something where you either have no opinion or a very strong opinion. But Jamie is asking, how do you feel about rabbits? 

Caller [00:45:27] Oh, rabbits. Fucking great. I’ve seen- I’ve seen the rabbits. I’ve seen their poops, too. 

Chris [00:45:41] You’ve seen their poops? 

Caller [00:45:42] They can. They can dump out like nobody’s business. It’s great. 

Chris [00:45:51] Another person named Jamie asks, What are your dreams for the future? 

Caller [00:45:57] Oh. All right. Let’s talk about that. Um, I want to look do music. I want to be. I want to be a touring musician or a recording musician, whatever. Whatever I can do. It’s hard, though, you know? You know music people. 

Chris [00:46:28] I do. I know a lot of them. 

Caller [00:46:34] Lemme ask you something? 

Chris [00:46:35] Yeah. 

Caller [00:46:38] All right. I don’t want to goof on you too hard, but many, many episodes ago, you goofed on Incubus a little bit. 

Chris [00:46:50]  I did? 

Caller [00:46:54] You did. 

Chris [00:46:54] Someone in the crowd who’s clearly an Incubus fan went, Yeah, you did. I remember that. 

Caller [00:47:00] Oh, no! Oh, no. 

Chris [00:47:02] Okay. So I goofed on Incubus who, to be fair, I don’t know much about. 

Caller [00:47:10] Okay. That’s okay. That’s okay. Let me tell you something then. 

Chris [00:47:13] Yeah. 

Caller [00:47:14] So the new bass player. His name is Ben Kenny. One of my favorite musicians of all time. He’s from Brielle, New Jersey. What do you think about that? 

Chris [00:47:24] Yeah, Brielle, down the shore. Good town, from my understanding. Sure. 

Caller [00:47:29] Mm hmm. You ever see his band SuperGrub? 

Chris [00:47:32] Oh, no. I’ve never seen ’em. 

Caller [00:47:35] Oh, well, they don’t play anymore. But that’s all right. That’s all right. Well, that’s it. That’s all I got to say about that.

Chris [00:47:45] What instrument do you play? 

Caller [00:47:47] But. But. Yeah, I would love to so yeah, I went to school for environmental science. I was like, Oh, boy, I don’t like this anymore. And then I was a children’s librarian for a little bit. And now I teach music, and I just want to do music. It’s so hard. Ah!! 

Chris [00:48:16] What do you play? 

Caller [00:48:17] New Jersey. I play guitar and bass. And I sing. And I goof around on the keys.  

Chris [00:48:22] You play guitar? Wow. Okay. Multi-instrumentalist. What if this call leads to you and I starting a band, and then the next time we return to The Blind Pig, it’s not for a Beautiful/ Anonymous taping, it’s because our band has taken over and me and you are in a band together. 

Caller [00:48:42] Oh, man. Oh, do you want to do it? 

Chris [00:48:45] Do I want to start a band? You’re going to make me decide right now? 

Caller [00:48:51] You don’t have to decide right now. Sleep on it. Sleep on it. 

Chris [00:48:54] It. Well, no. Where are we going to meet? Where would we meet and record? I mean, we don’t even live- we don’t live that far away from one another. I don’t live very far from Denville. 

Caller [00:49:01] No, we don’t! 

Chris [00:49:02] I’m in Morris County, dude. 

Caller [00:49:04] June 1st? 

Chris [00:49:07] What’s that? 

Caller [00:49:08] Right? First, first Wednesday of the month?

Chris [00:49:13] Wait, I’m missing something. What did you say? 

Caller [00:49:17] June 1st. It’s a Wednesday. Asbury Park. 

Chris [00:49:20] Oh, you want to meet this Wednesday in Asbury Park? 

Caller [00:49:25] Yeah. I’m going to be dressed in. 

Chris [00:49:28] Oh, I’m doing a show in Asbury Park. Okay. Yes. Now I know what’s going. Yes, I’m doing a show in Asbury Park on June 1st. You’re going to be there. 

Caller [00:49:37] So I’m going to jump on stage and you’re going to be wearing a Captain Hook costume and we’re gonna get it going. 

Chris [00:49:49] I think me and you need to start this band. I think we need to meet in some neutral locations, public places, feel it out, and start this band. 

Caller [00:50:01] I think we do. I think we do. I’ve heard you sing. I heard you do that that Billy Bragg thing. 

Chris [00:50:07] Yeah. Oh, my God. 

Caller [00:50:10] Couple episodes ago. You’re pretty good. Your voice is good, Chris. 

Chris [00:50:11]  J-fur has actually suggested a bad name. Can you figure it out? 

Caller [00:50:19] Yeah. Um. Yeah. Uh, let’s see, uh, real quick. All right. How many letters in the alphabet? 26, right? 

Chris [00:50:31] Yeah. Yeah, there’s 26 letters in the alphabet. Yes. 

Caller [00:50:36] Pick a number between 1 and 26. 

Chris [00:50:40] Wait, I’m saying there’s someone who suggested a name. 

Caller [00:50:46] Somebody has got one? 

Chris [00:50:47] Somebody already suggested one. They want. They think we should be called The Goofs. 

Caller [00:50:53] Well, I love it. 

Chris [00:50:58] Other people are suggesting the king of cats, but I think that might be our first album. 

Caller [00:51:03] I. Oh, man. See, we’re already on the same page. That’s it. We are The Goofs. First album, King of Cats. What’s the first song gonna be called? 

Chris [00:51:16] Oh, we’ve got to figure out what’s the first song gonna be called? Narrow Urethra. It’s going to be called Narrow Urethra. We’re all coming together right here and we are crowdsourcing an entire musical project. 

Caller [00:51:29] We got it. We got this in the bag! 

Chris [00:51:32] The the group’s album name is King of Cats. First track, Narrow Urethra. Well, who would you say your main musical influences are, caller? 

Caller [00:51:44] What’s that? 

Chris [00:51:45] Like? What type of music do you like? Who are your influences? 

Caller [00:51:49] Oh. Um, I, I, I would call it a cross between Alanis Morissette and Smashing Pumpkins. 

Chris [00:51:59] I am not mad about that. 

Caller [00:52:03] And I think it works. 

Chris [00:52:05] You say you you write music that’s a cross between Alanis and early Smashing Pumpkins? 

Caller [00:52:12] Yeah. 

Chris [00:52:13] So, like a real nineties throwback vibe. 

Caller [00:52:16] Hell yeah dude! 

Chris [00:52:19] I think this might work. 

Caller [00:52:24] So that’s a date!

Chris [00:52:30] Oh, my goodness. What if this actually, what if me and you get together- Somebody did also just tweet a picture of a skanking banana and say, we got to make it a ska band. 

Caller [00:52:43] Well, I do play saxophone, so hey, we can make that happen. 

Chris [00:52:47] You do play saxophone. We got people in here offering to play drums for us. Hey, McGiblets, you down to move to Jersey? 

Caller [00:52:56] Hell yeah, dude. 

Chris [00:52:57] No, not you, McGiblets. You’re not. Why would I just randomly call you McGiblets? You’re the type of person that someone just calls you McGiblets, and you go with it?

Caller [00:53:08] No I. I thought you said somebody named McGiblets was like, I’ll play drums. 

Chris [00:53:13] Yeah, but then you yelled. Oh, you yelled. Hell, yeah. Dude, I thought, okay, you were right. And then I was just, for some reason, a raging dickhead about it. My bad on that. We got 10 minutes left. 

Caller [00:53:25] You’re gonna get down with some Rage Against the Machine? I could do that, too. 

Chris [00:53:29] You got a real ninety- you got a love for the nineties, right? Let’s mix in some Hole, some L7. Let’s mix in yeah, some Breeders. 

Caller [00:53:36] Hell yeah. 

Chris [00:53:38] Let’s do it. How does- how do you think this song should go? How would you structure our first song, Narrow Urethra? 

Caller [00:53:45] Oh, boy. 

Chris [00:53:47] Do you have a guitar nearby, by any chance? 

Caller [00:53:52] I do. I do. 

Chris [00:53:53] I think you got to start strumming out some chords and we got to start sussing this one out. We can have the crowd in Michigan do the gang vocals on the chorus. 

Caller [00:54:02] Alright, let’s try it. Let’s try it. I gotta get it out. Let’s keep surfing while I’m getting it out. 

Chris [00:54:10] Uh huh. Uh huh. How big was it for you when they legalized weed in Jersey? 

Caller [00:54:17] What about weed in Jersey?

Chris [00:54:19] How big was it for you when they legalized weed in Jersey? 

Caller [00:54:23] Uh, not big at all. The last time I smoked was probably like five or six years ago, and I got way too high. 

Chris [00:54:39] I think I can speak for a lot of this audience when I say we all have assumed you were very high this whole time. Do you get that a lot? 

Caller [00:54:47] No, I’m not. I’m not at all. I’ve never even. I’ve never done too many things. Actually, well, I will tell you this. My my favorite drug of all time is MDMA. I know you can relate. 

Chris [00:55:04] Yeah. Ooh, it’s a hell of a drug. It’s a hell of a drug. 

Caller [00:55:08] Yeah, that was. That was, uh. That was a hell of a time. 

Chris [00:55:12] Yeah. You gotta be care-

Caller [00:55:15] I used to have a pretty big cocaine problem, but the COVID actually helped me through that. 

Chris [00:55:22] Pittsburgh last night too. Two callers in a row of people who kicked cocaine because of COVID. But it sounds like, I tell you, cocaine dealers have really been suffering through the past three years it sounds like. Sounds like cocaine is not flying off the shelves like it used to. 

Caller [00:55:39] Yeah, exactly. I couldn’t go to the bar anymore so it was like…

Chris [00:55:44] So we got seven and a half minutes. We got seven and a half minutes for you to start building us this song. Nineties throwback classic, Narrow Urethra by The Goofs, off their debut album, The King of Cats. Yeah. Yeah. 

Caller [00:55:58] All right. Okay. All right. Give me a second. Give me, like, one minute. Do some crowd work for, like, one minute. Is that okay?

Chris [00:56:09] You just need me to do crowd work? Hello, sir. Where are you from? What’s that? St Clair Shores. Anybody at 20 minutes early? Okay. Thank you so much. Hey. Where are you from? Michigan. These guys always call every sandwich night. And now we’re in the same room together. You’ve been calling-how many years in a row have you all gone? Sandwich night is a holiday I invented on public access television, everybody. Invented it, I think, 11 years ago. How many years have you guys called in? Eight of the 11. And have we ever been in the same room before? Yes. Once. Once, yes. Okay. Well, good to see you again and I’ll talk to you in November. Any are you planning any good sandwiches for this year? Yeah. Great. Caller, how we do it on this guitar? I’m not- my crowd work is not crushing. Oh, you want to hear more about the sandwich? Okay. The caller is literally just not on the phone anymore. And I’m just asking you guys about sandwiches. (GUITAR) Okay. Okay. You got something happening here. Okay. It sounds actually shockingly good. 6 minutes left, caller. Let’s do it. 

Caller [00:57:28] Okay. 

Chris [00:57:29] How do you think this should go? That was so exciting for such a short amount of time. 

Caller [00:57:42] We need some lyrics. 

Chris [00:57:44] Yeah, we need some lyrics. What’s the chord progression. 

Caller [00:57:51] Let me tell you real quick? 

Chris [00:57:52] Yeah, I-. 

Caller [00:57:52] Chris. Let me tell you real quick. 

Chris [00:57:55] Yeah. 

Caller [00:57:56] I did. Uh, I did stand up for the first time, like three weeks ago. 

Chris [00:58:00] How’d that go? 

Caller [00:58:02] It was really, really scary. And I thought I was going to bomb, but guess what? I didn’t. 

Chris [00:58:11] Did you. Did- you didn’t? Did you bomb? 

Caller [00:58:14] The second time I did, I bombed hard. The third time it went okay. 

Chris [00:58:22] That’s good. Yeah. Everybody bombs. No shame in that. 

Caller [00:58:27] Thanks. Thanks. Hey, thanks! Thanks for the applause, people out there. I mean, you know, it’s not easy. And I took your advice and I didn’t feel bad about myself. But anyway, keep going. Keep going. Let’s get some ideas for words for this song. 

Chris [00:58:48] What rhymes with urethra? We need a word that rhymes with urethra. Eureka. Someone has pointed out eureka. Aretha. Okay. People are suggesting we bring up Aretha. 

Caller [00:59:04] All right. I gotta tune up real quick, though. But I’ll hear you. It’s not cux I’m not paying attention. I got something to do. 

Chris [00:59:10] Okay. Okay. (GUITAR TUNING) Hey, caller. Caller, we only have- we got 4 minutes. 

Caller [00:59:31] Just tuning up. I’m tuning up. 

Chris [00:59:34] You take your time, I guess. (GUITAR TUNING) Okay, three and a half. 

Caller [00:59:58] All right. So what do we got? 

Chris [01:00:02] People have suggested that both Eureka and the word Aretha rhyme with urethra. 

Caller [01:00:09] Ooh. Ooh. We could do that. We could do that. All right. (SINGING) Something about a urethra. Thinking about Aretha. We can work that in. You think? You think? You want to tru it? 

Chris [01:00:28] Yeah. Let’s try it. 

Caller [01:01:04] (SINGING) Sitting by myself… with my narrow urethra… wishing I could sing… Like Aretha… (CROWD CHEERS) What do you think about that? (CROWD CHEERS) Are you there?

Chris [01:01:26] I think it’s the song of the goddamn summer. That’s what I think. 

Caller [01:01:34] We gotta put it on Spotify, bitch! 

Chris [01:01:37] I have a fee- I have a feeling this might just work. 

Caller [01:01:42] We’ll record it. This is gonna be a hit. 

Chris [01:01:45] We’ll meet up in Rockaway. Prank call that guy Chris, record this song and just make money all summer long. 

Caller [01:01:52] Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. 

Chris [01:01:58] Hey, caller, we got just about a minute left. 

Caller [01:02:02] It’s fun. It’s fun. It’s fun. Music’s fun. Goof around. Who cares. 

Chris [01:02:08] Music is fun. 

Caller [01:02:10] Oh! I gotta tell you this. So, record store day. Do you know about that? Have you heard about this? 

Chris [01:02:19] Yeah, I’m familiar with Record Store Day. 

Caller [01:02:23] Yeah. There’s there’s a Billy Bragg vinyl coming out. 

Chris [01:02:26] In Orange. 

Caller [01:02:27] On June, June something. 

Chris [01:02:30] Yeah, it’s an orange vinyl, right? 

Caller [01:02:32] You know about it? 

Chris [01:02:32] Yeah, I saw it. I saw it advertised. It looks cool. 

Caller [01:02:35] Yeah. I think I’m going to get it. 

Chris [01:02:38] You’re going to get it?

Caller [01:02:41] I think so. I never really listened to him too much before, but I listened to that record, and I was like, Whoa, this is cool. Reminded me of, like, Ted Leo. You know Ted Leo. 

Chris [01:02:53] Yeah. Ted Leo. Real Jersey guy. We got 30 seconds left. This is how it’s ending. The people want you to end on singing. 

Caller [01:03:09] They do? (CHEERS) Do you like Prince? 

Chris [01:03:15] Do I like Prince? (CHEERS) Most of them like Prince, though there were a few no’s. Our time is up, Caller. Are you going to end on a Prince song? 

Caller [01:03:25] Well, that’s okay. I can. I can do one. Hopefully. Hopefully, this won’t get you, uh, kicked off, you know, whatever. Should we do it? 

Chris [01:03:36] Let’s end on a Prince song, caller. 

Caller [01:03:40] All right. But before I sing it, I want to tell you, Chris. Oh, boy. You’re so cool. I like you. I like you a lot. 

Chris [01:03:48] I like you a lot. 

Caller [01:03:51] Thanks. 

Chris [01:03:52] Yeah. 

Caller [01:03:53] Um, so let’s do this. Let’s do this. (SINGS) You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on. Just need your body, baby, from dusk til dawn. Don’t need experience to (UNCLEAR) Just leave it all up to me. I’m gonna show you what it’s all about. (CROWD JOINS IN) You don’t have to be rich to be my girl. You don’t have to be cool to rule my world. Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with. I just want your extra time and your… kiss.  

Chris [01:04:52] Caller, that was incredible. Thank you so much. That was like a real roller coaster ride. He loves all of you. We love you too, caller. Thank you so much for taking us on that roller coaster ride through your mind. That was amazing. Have a great night. Caller, thank you so much. Thanks for blowing my mind, keeping me on my toes and thanks to everybody who showed up at that live show out there at Ann Arbor. Thanks to everybody who showed up. Great venue, great people, great town. And if you want to come see a live show, ChrisGeth.com for tickets. Have to thank Andrea Quinn who comes on the road with me and does the live engineering of the show. It’s it’s always rolling with punches, really incredible work. Show is produced by Anita Flores, it’s engineered by Ryan Connor. Our theme song is by ShellShag. Again, ChrisGeth.com if you want to know about the upcoming live dates. And hey, wherever you are listening, you can hit subscribe or favorite or follow. It really helps us when you do. Find our latest merch at podswag.com. It’s mugs, shirts, posters, all that good stuff. And if you want your episodes of Beautiful/ Anonymous ad free, along with tons of other shows out there, Stitcher Premium is the answer. Use the promo code “stories”, you get a one month free trial. Stitcher dot com slash premium.