EP. 96 — Boy Crazy

[00:00:55] CHRIS: Hello to everybody hiding out in their basement. It’s Beautiful Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred.

[00:01:06] THEME MUSIC: I’d rather go one-on-one. I think it’ll be more fun and I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me.

[00:01:17] CHRIS: Hey everybody, it’s Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful Anonymous. You get to spy on other people who wanna spill their guts on phone calls. It’s the best job, best gig. Thanks for supporting the show and letting me do it. Couple of things to put out there. Get your tickets for those shows at the Bell House in Brooklyn, they’re close to selling it out, and they may be sold out already, actually. I’m on vacation right now, I’m on the other side of the world so I’m recording this ahead of time. You’ll hear the intro in a second. It’s the one I recorded right when we hung up the phone. But I wanted to just drop this, let you guys know I’m on vacation. That’s why you’re not hearing me read any of the Facebook comments, reaction, interactivity, stuff that a lot of people like. I’ll be back in a couple weeks, live and in person updating this thing and all the interactivity surrounding it. In the meantime, enjoy the call and enjoy the intro I had for it right as it happened.

[00:02:07] CHRIS: Hello, everybody. It’s Chris Gethard. Happy to bring you another episode of Beautiful Anonymous. A young person, early 20’s, college student, confused, depressed, not sure what to do. Creative, but not sure if that’s their ultimate goal- am I describing myself? Yeah, 25 years ago. I’m also describing today’s caller, a person I had a lot in common with, person that I felt very comfortable with. And I’ll say this, there’s some episodes, “I Made Out With My Teacher,” there’s some episodes I almost died and had to be rescued by the coast guard. Great, those are all great. But you know what else is great is that sometimes someone just calls up and tells us who they are, where they’re at in life, how they’re doing, and it’s me and them having a comfortable hour chit chat. So if you like that side of the show, you are in luck, my friend because this is a great example of that. I had a good time. Funny moments. I feel like I said a couple of funny things. Caller made me laugh a bunch of times, enjoyed it. Caller, if you’re out there, thank you for calling. And like I say a number of times throughout the call, I think you’re gonna be alright. Enjoy the call.

[00:03:12] PHONE ROBOT: Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. [beep]

[00:03:19] CHRIS: Hello?

[00:03:21] CALLER: Hi.

[00:03:23] CHRIS: Hi, how are you?

[00:03:24] CALLER: Oh my gosh, is this Chris?

[00:03:25] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:03:26] CALLER: Oh my god. Oh my god, I’m sorry I just never thought I’d ever get on.

[00:03:31] CHRIS: No, I’m glad you’re here. I also have to say usually I hear some phone noise or some background- I’ve never heard a cleaner, clearer phone connection than yours.

[00:03:40] CALLER: Oh wow, I’m honored.

[00:03:44]  CHRIS: You on a landline?

[00:03:46] CALLER: No, I’m in my basement. I’m like- my dad- I like, when I got on hold, I was like, “Oh my god, dad, don’t talk to me. I’m making a phone call” and he’s like, “What? What’s happening?” And I was like “I’m going down to the basement.” And then he was like, “Okay, weirdo”

[00:03:57] CHRIS: If you get reception that clear from your basement, if that’s your basement reception, you must live- oh my god. I’ve never been more jealous of anybody.

[00:04:09] CALLER: I’m actually from Belmar in New Jersey.

[00:04:13] CHRIS: Belmar! I used to go down the shore, baby, Jersey shore. I used to go there when I was a kid. My best friend when I was a very young kid, I’ve mentioned him on the show, he’s passed away. R.I.P. my friend, Josh. His family used to go to Belmar. We used to go there. I remember being very young, 4 or 5 years old, seeing a family of ducks cross the street- blew my mind. Formative experience in my childhood. Belmar, New Jersey.

[00:04:39] CALLER: Yeah, I like, I don’t want to give away myself at all. But like, I just saw you in Asbury when you were doing Beautiful Anonymous.

[00:04:45] CHRIS: Talking about the live show, Thanks, yeah, that’s rad you came out. I liked that, House of Independence. Great venue. I enjoyed that show. Ending things hardcore- Now wait, I should say, you’re from Belmar, the shore town, right? Because I think there’s also a Bellmawr, right? Isn’t there also a B-E-L-L-M-A-W-R cause Jersey likes to do things in very confusing fashion.

[00:05:06] CALLER: Yeah, I’m not from the confusing one. I’m right at the shore.

[00:05:09] CHRIS: I’m sure they say the same thing about you guys, though. You’re the confusing one.

[00:05:13] CALLER: Yeah, that’s true.

[00:05:15] CHRIS: That’s cool, I love New Jersey. Everybody knows I love New Jersey. Also, I can imagine, late June we’re taping this, late June living down the Jersey shore. If you lived it- Is it like eight months of the year it’s desolate? And then four months of the year Belmar is just overrun with drunk people?

[00:05:30] CALLER: Yeah, it makes me so mad because like every day I go for a ride by the beach in my car and like I’m a bad driver, and I get pretty bad road rage so like during the summer months it gets crazy. And like I just want to punch someone like because everyone- it’s so crowded and like all the rest of the year I had the streets to myself and it was quiet. And now it’s just like it feels like it’s not my town anymore.

[00:05:56] CHRIS: Never has a more Jersey shore native couple sentences been uttered. It’s like this is my town most of the year, and now I cruise down the boardwalk and I want to punch everybody in the face. Very Jersey shore. Real Jersey shore, not MTV Jersey Shore. Not spray tans and crazy accents. Real Jersey shore. We live here. Send those Bennie’s home, send those Bennie’s home.

[00:06:23] CALLER: Exactly.

[00:06:24] CHRIS: I bet a lot of people listening don’t know what a Benny is. I am a Benny, technically. You know that.

[00:06:28] CALLER: Yeah there used to be like a section in the newspaper where it would be like, it would show a picture of someone and it would say like “Benny or local?” and you would have to guess, but the next week it would tell you. And I thought that was the funniest thing.

[00:06:41] CHRIS: For anybody who’s listening, I’ll explain. To my understanding, you correct me if I’m wrong, so you know, Jersey shore is a very popular summer destination. People go there, a lot of people like to party. So it becomes overrun with people in their 20’s partying and the natives, the year-round natives have taken to calling those people Benny’s because I believe it stands for Bergen, Essex, Newark, New York, meaning the people from Bergen and Essex counties and people from Newark and New York come down and invade. Benny’s. Is that true? Is that what you’ve heard?

[00:07:15] CALLER: Yeah, that’s exactly it.

[00:07:13] CHRIS: There’s other variations of what they might stand for, but I’ve always heard Bergen, Essex, Neward, New York. And that’s another thing-

[00:07:22] CALLER: And all, my friends-

[00:07:24] CHRIS: Oh, go for it.

[00:07:26] CALLER: Sorry, yeah. All my friends, I go to college in New York, and they’re all like Jersey sucks, and I’m like, oh my god, it’s my pride and joy. Like the only reason I left was to like broaden my horizons a little bit. But like, I always want to go back and I love it, coming home.

[00:07:44] CHRIS: Oh, it’s all I want. A comedian, I’m up all night doing sets. I got to run around going to shows in clubs, Brooklyn and Manhattan so I got to be on the subways. If I didn’t, I’d be back to Jersey in a heartbeat. Jersey’s the best.

[00:06:01] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:08:02] CHRIS: Anyway, did you want to talk about Jersey for an hour? Is that why you called cause I’m down? But I imagine, I should cut that off because I could. So I should cut that off and ask you what you called for.

[00:08:12] CALLER: No, I mean, I could talk about it for an hour, but that’s not exactly why I called.  So like I said, I go to college in New York and I have a group of friends there and it’s- I don’t want to compare it to the TV show, Friends, but like all my roommates are dating like these other like roommates that are boys and they’re all dating, kind of. And I like- there’s only one boy who’s not dating anyone in my room. I’m sorry it’s so confusing, but I told him that I liked him because I do. I like him like a whole lot. And I told him about it and like I sound like a teenage girl, but like, I don’t like people a whole lot, like in general. So for me to like someone and actually tell them about it, it was like the biggest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

[00:09:06] CHRIS: Wow. I got to say, you saying “I like him a whole lot,” heart-melting. One of the most heartwarming moments in the history of this show.

[00:09:16] CALLER: Really?

[00:09:17] CHRIS: Well some of these calls get very dark, complex, layered. Then there’s something to be said for, I like a boy, I told him, it was scary. This gripping stuff in its own right. How did it go? How did he react?

[00:09:31] CALLER: Yeah, there’s like so much backstory to this. So that’s what makes it hard, but like I’ll try to do it the best I can. He’s kind of like, asexual, but he’s not because then he would be. But like he’s never told any one of his friends, like I’ve talked to his friends and he’s never said he liked a girl like his whole life. So like, he’s very distant in that aspect. So I told him, and like we had been talking for like two years, like we’ve really gotten to know each other and like, I’ve never met someone more like me. And so at first I said, like, I don’t know if this is sudden or if you were expecting it, because he’s like, very hard to read. And he was like, “No, I think I sort of knew. Like, I sort of knew you liked me.” And I’m like, okay. And I told him, I wanted to tell him, I told him right before like the last day of school because I wanted a break, like that three month period where like, if he did like me, then great, we would see each other over the summer. And if he didn’t, then I would have that space and that distance to get over it, you know. And so I told him, I was like, I wanted to tell you before the summer. And then he was like, “So I could think about it?” And I was like, “Okay.”  And then like, he was like, “Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know how to respond.” And I was like in my head, that was honestly like if anyone else said that, I would be like discouraged, but because it was him and he doesn’t show any emotion like in that regard, I was kind of happy. When he said he knew he liked me, like he didn’t pull away from me like at all. Like in the past couple months we’ve been just getting closer and closer, so I thought it was good. The only problem was like I didn’t get any closure. Like, I wish he kind of said like “Yes, I like you” or like “No, I don’t like you.” because now I have three months to be like he sort of likes me? Like, I don’t know. It’s very weird.

[00:11:21] CHRIS: Yeah, that’s rough. I do want to say, I do want to quote you. You did say one sentence I really loved. You said “he’s asexual, but he’s not because then he would be.” Which is perhaps the most millennial sentence ever said. For our older listeners, I think I’m just outside of the millennial range, but I think I am known as someone who kind of gets it with my work. I think I’m known for- millennials tend to see me as an old head who maybe gets it. The sentence, “he’s asexual, but he’s not because then he would be-” for many of our older listeners, they are viewing that as the most millennial. That takes the crown, that takes the title belts as far as most millennial thing ever said.

[00:12:04] CALLER: [Laughs] Well, yeah.

[00:12:06] CHRIS: [Laughs] Now, where’s he from? He doesn’t live on the East Coast, huh? He goes to school in New York, but he don’t live around here or else you guys could hang out, explore. Explore this-

[00:12:15] CALLER: Yeah, he’s from Long Island, so not too far. But like a four hour drive from here.

[00:12:24] CHRIS: People don’t realize, people think Jersey and Long Island must be right near each other. Nope. Long Island is a real island. You have to travel pretty far to get to it. And then when you’re on Long Island, people don’t realize you can drive forever and still be in Long Island. I’ve made that mistake. Well that’s a bummer. You guys talking, texting,

Snapchatting, Facebooking? No, Facebook is too played out. You’re too young, you don’t like Facebook. You’re too young.You like Instagram and Snapchat, right?

[00:12:50] CALLER: Yeah, I mean, yeah, like we have a- now I sound like so young and stupid.

[00:12:57] CHRIS: No, not stupid. Young, yes. I hate when people write off young people as stupid. It’s not the truth. You sound young, but you don’t sound stupid.

[00:13:05] CALLER: [Laughs] I’m sorry.

[00:13:06] CHRIS: No, don’t apologize.

[00:13:08] CALLER: But yeah, like we have a 60-day snap streak. That’s good, I guess.

[00:13:12] CHRIS: I want to say, you just dethroned the prior sentence. 60-day snap streak is actually the most millennial thing I’ve ever heard.

[00:13:25] CALLER: Like really when I was saying it [Laughing] I’m like I hate myself sometimes.

[00:13:32] CHRIS: No, you can’t apologize. We make young people apologize for being young. I hate that. People are- once I lose touch with young people as a comedian, as an artist- retiring, I got no time for it. You got to stay in touch with the youth, man. Gotta stay in touch. 60-day snap streak. That being said, I have Snapchat on my phone. Legit, do not

know what it is for. Okay, anyway, anyway.

[00:13:54] CALLER: Yeah, so-

[00:14:01] CHRIS: So you said he’s asexual. Is that just his vibe, or is that something he has said as far as- is that how he has defined his own sexuality?

[00:14:10] CALLER: No like it’s just how everyone kind of sees him. Like his- I’m really good friends with his roommate. And he was like, “yeah, i’m pretty sure [beep] doesn’t even look at girls.” Oh my god, I just said his name. I’m so sorry.

[00:14:24] CHRIS: We’ll bleep that. We’re gonna mark the time code, we’re gonna bleep his name. That’s okay. It’s also perhaps the most common name in the English language, so I think you’re good. It’s one of the top 2 male names. Yeah, no we’ll bleep it, don’t worry.

[00:14:41] CALLER: Yeah, so his roommate was like, “I don’t think he’s ever liked anyone. Like I don’t think he even looks in the direction of girls or boys or anyone. Like he just never, never expresses his feelings towards that”. And then it was interesting though because as we were getting to know each other, his roommate kind of like changed his mind and he was like, “I don’t know, like now I’m kind of doubting it. Like he seems to like you in a better way than most people.” So that made me feel good because I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve never had a relationship. I’m not ugly, but I’m not the prettiest girl out there. So like, boys don’t usually attract towards me. I don’t know. So it was a good feeling.

[00:15:29] CHRIS: Now, I have to ask, and I’m not asking you to speculate, and I’m not saying this with any judgment in my tone. I hope this is true, but I think there’s something to be said for- world, more so than ever, young people in particular, a real beautiful movement lately, culturally, of being open minded. You said he doesn’t seem interested in people. College is also an age where I think people tend to figure out their own sexuality. Is there any thought to you of like, he might be figuring that out? He might define- there might be a part of him that’s keeping that guarded because he’s not exactly sure where he lands on that spectrum. Is that something you’ve thought about?

[00:16:07] CALLER: Yeah, definitely. Like I mean, I think- yeah, I definitely think he’s never been presented with the thought of like, liking someone. And then when I told him I liked him, then like kind of forced him maybe to think about who he’s attracted to, whether it’s girls, boys, no one. It depends, and I want to give him that space and I don’t want to force any decision. I don’t want to force him at all. And I think part of it might be he’s figuring it out. And I just want to give him his time with that.

[00:16:38] CHRIS: That’s beautiful. That’s beautiful. That’s the way it should be. I’m going to put this out here, I like you. Now go take your time, take the summer, sort it out. You come back next fall and you say, hey, I think maybe I’m swinging the other direction. That’s great. You figured it out. I gave you your space. I think that’s cool. I don’t like that you say you’re not the prettiest. I don’t like that. That breaks my heart. I don’t like-

[00:17:04] CALLER: [Laughs] I mean, I don’t- I don’t think I’m ugly by any standards. Like, I don’t know. I’m okay, I’m fine with the way I look. I accept it.

[00:17:14] CHRIS: That’s good. I mean, because it is- I look in the mirror and like I’m not an Adonis. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like- I don’t know, maybe you tell me if I’m overreacting. I don’t like that in our culture, young women have to even gauge themselves. I just don’t think it’s cool that that sentence even needs to come out of your mouth. You know what I mean?

[00:17:38] CALLER: Yeah, yeah.

[00:17:40] CHRIS: I don’t like that, I don’t like that.

[00:17:40] CALLER: One thing that really bothers me is that like I used to like, like I said I go to school in New York and like, you know, catcalling is a big thing. And like one time this guy said something to me like he was like- I think he was homeless, it doesn’t matter- but he was like, “oh hey, pretty girl”, or like it was something worse to that effect, but he said something to me. And like, it was so sad because for a moment I felt like good about myself. And I was like huh, someone noticed me. But then like, I feel like it’s so messed up that I have to be harassed in order to feel beautiful. Like that’s not how things should be. That’s not okay.

[00:18:20] CHRIS: That is heartbreaking, that is heartbreaking. That is also- you see sometimes, you know, I’ve seen it on Facebook, or I’ve seen a couple videos online where there are some men who are like “we’re giving compliments, people should feel good.” Like this is the argument that some cat-callers give for why they’re actually performing a public service. Which is not the case, I don’t think.

[00:18:44] CALLER: Yeah, yeah. It’s sad, but hopefully it’ll get better. I don’t know.

[00:18:53] CHRIS: Oh, I think it always does. And you sound like such a confident person You sound like, confident. You don’t sound- sometimes people call this show and they’re more nervous than I’ve ever heard a human being be. You’re down to just talk. You seem so confident and cool.

[00:19:08] CALLER: [Laughs] That’s the first time anyone has ever said that to me.

[00:19:12] CHRIS: Really?

[00:19:13] CALLER: I’m not super confident at all.

[00:19:15] CHRIS: Oh, you’re shy. And this call is your secret outlet. So this phone call is your secret outlet to get all these hidden thoughts out into the world.

[00:19:24] CALLER: Definitely. Like I told my therapist- I also have depression. [Laughs] But it’s not funny, I don’t know why I’m laughing. But like, I told her, but like there’s- I don’t want to discredit her as a therapist, but like sometimes I don’t think she gets what I’m saying. And like, she’s so nice, like I don’t want to hurt her feelings by going to a different therapist. But then I’m also like, I need to speak to someone who understands what I’m talking about. But yeah, I told her about it, and I told my best friend, but like, I don’t know, it’s like nice to just talk about it and it’s just very cathartic to- like I feel like, especially with my best friend, I feel like I’m bothering her. Like she would never say that. She’s always like “Oh, I’ll listen to whatever you have to say, I’m supportive.” But like, I don’t know, to a certain point, I’m like in my own brain, she doesn’t want to hear about this. Like don’t bother it with her. So it’s nice that you kind of have to listen.

[00:20:22] CHRIS: I do. It’s my job. I’m on the clock. You say whatever. Can’t hang up. Can’t hang up. I’m shackled to this phone call. No escape.

[00:20:36] CALLER: Yeah, that’s the nice thing. Not for you, I guess, but I mean for me.

[00:20:42] CHRIS: No, I’m enjoying this greatly. You seem like such a sweet person. We come from the same place. I feel a real bond, feeling a real connection, a real comfort here. And I hope you feel the same.

[00:20:53] CALLER: Yeah. No, I do. Like when I was on hold, my heart literally started racing and I was like I don’t know what I’m going to say. Because like to be honest I just woke up and it’s like 12pm. I wasn’t feeling so good so I slept all day. And I was like so nervous, but now like that I’m actually talking with you, it just feels like I’m talking to a friend who I’ve known forever. Like it really does.

[00:21:17] CHRIS: Nice. Well it sounds like you have an affinity for non-masculine boys. And I think I fit right into that slot. Nobody ever claimed I was the alpha, the alpha energy. Nobody ever claimed I was a pit bull of a man.

[00:21:35] CALLER: [Laughs] No, I’m attracted to all sorts of men. I love men.

[00:21:40] CHRIS: So you’re boy crazy? You’re a little boy crazy.

[00:21:43] CALLER: Yeah, like more now.  Like when I was younger, I like really didn’t like anyone. And I think like once my sophomore year of college happened which was last year, I don’t know it all kicked in. Like puberty happened, like oh my god.

[00:21:59] CHRIS: Yeah, I was a late bloomer too. And now all of a sudden you’re just like [purring noise] on the prowl. Now, hold on Jersey shore summer fling. This is like a classic

New Jersey experience. You live in Belmar. Thinking about hooking up with some Benny? Some Benny who’s down here for two weeks?

[00:22:23] CHRIS: You know what, on that hot question, hot ask, I’m going to go ahead- we’re going to take a break. Anybody who grows up in the New York metro area knows a fling with a- a Jersey shore fling, a legit question. Can’t wait to hear the answer. In the meantime though, we got advertisers. They make the show happen. Check out what they have to offer. Use the promo codes. Really helps Beautiful Anonymous out when you do. We’ll be right back with more phone call.

[AD BREAK]

[00:25:35] CHRIS: Thanks so much to all the advertisers who take a chance on this show, means so much. Thank you guys a million times over. Now let’s get back to the phone call.

[00:25:44] CHRIS: Thinking about hooking up with some Benny? Some Benny who’s down here for two weeks?

[00:25:50] CALLER: Probably not. Like it’s so hard to explain because like, I am boy crazy like in a sense, where like I see a guy and I’m like oh my god, he’s so cute. Like I would kiss his face, I would do everything.

[00:26:05] CHRIS: Did you say “I would kiss his face?”

[00:26:08] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah.

[00:26:10] CHRIS: So you see boys right now as you as- you are a teenager who’s- you just proclaimed that puberty is fully kicking in for you currently. Little late bloomer. And you’ll see a boy walk down the street, you want to run up and just smooch all over his face.

[00:26:26] CALLER: [Laughs] I guess so.

[00:26:30] CHRIS: Wow, okay.

[00:26:30] CALLER: I wouldn’t actually do it. But like I want to.

[00:26:33] CHRIS: I hear you. No, consent. Consent is very important. Very important.

[00:26:40] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah, exactly.

[00:26:42] CHRIS: And you’ve never been in a relationship, you said?

[00:26:42] CALLER: Yeah, yeah. I’ve never had my first kiss yet. I’m 21.

[00:26:46] CHRIS: Oh, really? You’re 21? Oh you’re looking for that kiss. You want to kiss some face.

[00:26:54] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah, and like I know it doesn’t matter what age it happens, but it just feels like I’m late to the party I guess.

[00:27:05] CHRIS: Oh, that’s okay. I mean you’re laughing about it, and it’ll come in time. And I bet it will be rad when it goes down. And you know what? Now you’re of legal drinking age, and if you really want to just get that first kiss over with, I think that’s going to be an asset in your quest.

[00:27:24] CALLER: Yeah, part of me like wants to just like get it over with it, and I’m sure it could happen easily at any bar, or like event like that.

[00:27:36] CHRIS: [Laughs] You live in Belmar, New Jersey, and you’re 21. If you really wanted it to happen, you could make it happen. It’s Summer. In Belmar.

[00:27:42] CALLER: [Laughs] Exactly, and like, but at the same time, I do want it to be like special. And I’m thinking like- I don’t think I should just like- I act like it’s a big thing, but I shouldn’t just like do it if I don’t have feelings for the person or anything, like I do want it to be special. And I don’t know if that’s like stupid of me or like I don’t know, I feel like it should be special

[00:28:15] CHRIS: Of course, of course. And I think one of the fun things is, you know, it’s easy to overthink this. But one of the fun things is it’ll be special, whether it’s with your asexual boy crush or whether it is, you have a couple drinks one night and you’re out at the bar at closing time. I bet when it does happen, it’s gonna happen- you seem like the type of person, you seem like you have such a good- you’ve clearly thought hard about this. And I bet when it goes down, it’s gonna go down because you’re like, thumbs up. I’m comfortable. This is the way it should be. I bet it’s gonna feel special, right?

[00:28:47] CALLER: Yeah, yeah, I think so.

[00:28:49] CHRIS: You got any plans to meet up with this boy?

[00:28:51] CALLER: Yeah, I overthink everything.

[00:28:53] CHRIS: I get that. You and me- similar people. You and me- cut from the same cloth. Kids from New Jersey who overthink things and fall in love with unattainable people. Yes, we have a lot in common.

[00:29:07] CALLER: Yeah. Like sometimes I overthink to the point where like I have a headache, like it’s not good. I create problems in my head a lot. That’s a big thing I have problems with.

[00:29:18] CHRIS: I get that, I’ve been there. Lifelong fight against that.

[00:29:25] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:29:26] CHRIS: You said you slept in because you’re sick. Was that physical or is that part of this, you got the depression, you got the anxiety?

[00:29:33] CALLER: It’s both, I think, because like I’ve just been having like a very rough week and like for no reason at all. Like nothing happened that would make me upset, but like, I just am. And then I also have juvenile diabetes, and like my A1C numbers are just

incredibly high. And like, I’m doing everything, and I don’t know why they’re acting up.

[00:29:58] CHRIS: That’s a bummer. And now juvenile diabetes, does that stick with you for your whole life, or is that something that as you get older fades away? Or does that just mean it sets in when you’re a kid?

[00:30:07] CALLER: No, it sticks with you your whole life. I got it when I was one, so I’ve had it for forever, it feels like.

[00:30:14] CHRIS: When you were one? Yeah, so this is a factor in your life.

`

[00:30:18] CALLER: Yeah. It’s more of an inconvenience than anything else, I would say.

[00:30:24] CHRIS: Yeah. Do you have to do injections or do you have one of those hip packs? What are we-

[00:30:28] CALLER: Yeah, I do injections like with- they’re called like pen needles. I had like a pump, but that was the worst in my opinion. Like especially when I was in high school or

like- not high school- middle school I had it. And like it sticks out of your skin and like people were like bumping into it and it was like falling out. And I had like an omnipod, so it’s like portable, and like it was the worst and I hated it.

[00:30:55] CHRIS: Yeah, middle school is not a time you want to be different in any way, let alone have a device implanted in your skin that randomly falls out. I would imagine that’s not the ideal middle school set up for a shy, anxiety riddled young lady.

[00:31:10] CALLER: Yeah, like no one ever really- I mean, I didn’t particularly like my middle school or high school, but like I mean, no one gave me a hard time really about it. So that was nice. Like I remember only one time like a kid asked me like “oh, what’s on your arm?” And I was like, “oh, I have a mechanical arm” and I just made up a story. And I just kind of went with that.

[00:31:33] CHRIS: That’s nice. I like you, we’re the same. Did you- so you hid out throughout high school? Played it chill? Did you do a ton of activities, were you an activities person?

[00:31:49] CALLER: Not really. I just did- I did like the plays and stuff. And I’ve done improv my whole life, like since I was eight.

[00:31:57] CHRIS: What?

[00:31:59] CALLER: So I’ve done that, yeah.

[00:32:01] CHRIS: Where? Where do you do improv when you’re eight in New Jersey?

[00:32:05] CALLER: Yeah, like my uncle, he always loved improv and things like that. And he was a high school teacher. And to make a little extra money over the summer, he would

do like improv classes at this rec center near our house. In [beep] actually-

[00:32:24] CHRIS: Well let’s be careful because people can almost definitely find out who your uncle is now. So let’s invoke the rule of, can we be cool and not- maybe we should bleep the name of the town.

[00:32:34] CALLER: Oh yeah, definitely. Definitely do that.

[00:32:36] CHRIS: Good town, quality town. I got family that lives near that town. That’s a quality town.

[00:32:42]CALLER: [Laughs] I’m sorry, I feel like I’m just talking to you-

[00:32:46] CHRIS: Yeah, no, no apologies. You drop a good Jersey reference with me, everybody knows that’s a good way to butter me up.

[00:32:53] CALLER: Yeah. So like me and my sister were forced to do this like improv class over the summer and like I just happened to really like it. My sister didn’t like it. She quit after like the first year and I just stuck with it.  And now I love it. And like I’m a part of my college’s team and like, I really, I love it.

[00:33:14] CHRIS: Now, hold on a second. Because here’s another thing we have in common. But here’s the thing I want to explore, because people used to ask me this as well. People used to ask me this as well, so I want to ask you your version of this.  As someone- you’re very shy, very shy. You’ve said you don’t usually express things. This phone call is an outlet. You don’t usually talk this much. You don’t usually like people. You don’t usually reach out to people. Never been kissed. Shy, you’re trying to figure it out. And yet you get onstage since you’re eight, get on stage in college in New York City, intimidating place. How is it that you’re so expressive onstage and yet you clam up offstage? People used to ask me as well. I wonder what your answer is.

[00:33:55] CALLER: I don’t know. Like I feel like in my personal life, I’m very like, like I said, like shy and introverted, but like, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted, like, attention, but never knew how to get it, I guess. And like it’s like weird because I crave attention, but also reject it when it comes my way in a sense. And so like, I feel like improv was like

my attempt to like, get attention. And like, maybe not- I didn’t do this, like subconsciously,

but I’ve thought about it too. I think improv was like my way of getting attention and for

people to see like- I don’t want to be cocky or anything, but like see that I’m funny, or that I’m like smart and like, witty sometimes. And then like kind of leave it up there, leave

it up on stage so people are like, “oh, she’s like cool.” But then like when I’m normal, I can just be shy and introverted I guess.

[00:34:53] CHRIS: I’m gonna go ahead and make a proclamation. I’ve never felt like I had more in common with a caller to this show than a young person spending that summer in Jersey, wondering if their college crush is thinking about them too. Feeling shy offstage. The only place people see the real me is onstage. I can’t figure out how to summon that to the depths of my regular life, nor do I know if I even want to. The only difference between me and you is that I had my first kiss at 15, but that was a miracle. I lost my virginity at 17.  That was only because I found someone extremely kind, extremely kind, and we dated for many years and that was happenstance. That’s going to happen for you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more in common with a person than you, my young New Jersey friend.

[00:35:37] CALLER: [Laughs] I’m so glad. I mean, it feels good not to be alone in all of this.

[00:35:45] CHRIS: Me and you. Me and you, we’re in it together.

[00:35:47] CALLER: Yeah. And like this is a little bit of a digression, but not really, I guess. Like last year I went to DCM, and I saw you at like the midnight shows.

[00:36:04] CHRIS: For anybody who doesn’t know, DCM is the Del Close Marathon. It’s an annual improv festival the Upright Citizens Brigade puts on- theater where I started 17 years ago. It’s like a big celebration, big comedy celebration. You saw me in all those crazy late night shows, you didn’t see me do any actual good shows, huh?

[00:36:22] CALLER: No, like I was supposed to be there all three days because like, my team was performing one of the days. But I got sick like the first night cause it takes so much out of you, just like waiting outside in line, and I was exhausted.

[00:36:40] CHRIS: You get sick a lot?

[00:36:42] CALLER: And yeah, we stayed up- we watched shows until like 5:00 in the morning and then we were like, we gotta go like I’m exhausted.

[00:36:47] CHRIS: Yeah, it’s fun though. Fun times.

[00:36:51] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah, I loved it. I thought it was great.

[00:36:54] CHRIS: Is this boy- this boy does improv with you? He’s part of your group?

[00:36:58] CALLER: No, he comes to all the shows though. Because we are good friends. And then like his roommate also does it. But like last year, it was just me. It wasn’t his roommate that did it. And he still came to the show, so that was good.

[00:37:17] CHRIS: I think you’re going to wind up A-okay, I think you’re going to wind up A-okay. How’s that sound?

[00:37:24] CALLER: That sounds- that would be ideal. I hope.

[00:37:28] CHRIS: Yeah, I think you got a lot to offer.

[00:37:31] CALLER: I like-

[00:37:32] CHRIS: You like what?

[00:37:34] CALLER: I forget what I was gonna say already.

[00:37:38] CHRIS: I was going to say, I think you have a lot to offer. I think you’re a very

emotionally in-tune, well-spoken young person. I think you’re hiding out a little too much. I

think you know that. I think you’re gonna figure how to stop doing that. And I think you’re gonna rock ass all over this world, whatever you choose to do. I don’t know why I went with that phrase, but I just think it’s gonna apply to you.

[00:38:02] CALLER: No, that’s always been my number one goal to rock ass.

[00:38:07] CHRIS: [Laughs] My number one goal is to rock ass. [Laughs] Way to stick it to me. The quiet sarcasm that I said something dumb. Well done. Well done.

[00:38:25] CALLER: [Laughs] No, I love that. I’m going to use that phrase.

[00:38:27] CHRIS: I do, I think you’re gonna come out- what do you study? What do you study in school?

[00:38:33] CALLER: I study business management and marketing.

[00:38:36] CHRIS: Is that what you want to do? Or you wanna do comedy?

[00:38:41] CALLER: I mean, it’s not my- I never really knew what I wanted to do. And like I went to college, like wanting to open my own thrift store. That was like my main goal. That’s like what I wanted to do. But then I realized very quickly that like that takes a lot of work and time and energy that I know I don’t have and don’t have the passion for. I kind of just stuck with it because like I mean, I didn’t not like the classes or anything. They were fine. And like I was doing fairly well. And so I stuck with it. But like ideally, I would love to be in comedy or even music. I love to sing and play piano, but yeah.

[00:39:29] CHRIS: That’s cool. Well, I can say from my end, getting a degree that you don’t really care about because you don’t feel like starting a new major, at least in my experience, turns out pretty okay. Turns out pretty okay. I picked one a lot easier than business, though. That’s a good degree to have. That’s a good degree to have if you ever need to- that’s what you should, get a degree like that- business management. You chase your music dreams, chase your comic dreams- they don’t work out, you can go manage a business. That’s a  pretty good fallback plan.

[00:39:57] CALLER: Yeah, I know. It’s like broad enough that I could pretty much go into anything if I really wanted to, if I’m not exactly sure what I want to do. So I mean, it’s good.

[00:40:10] CHRIS: Yeah. And a thrift shop. Why’d you want to start a thrift shop?

[00:40:16] CALLER: Oh, I didn’t say- oh, a thrift shop? I uh-

[00:40:21] CHRIS: Did you not say that?

[00:40:22] CALLER: Oh no I did, I’m sorry. I’m always like a little bit flustered, I’m sorry.

[00:40:27] CHRIS: Yeah, for some reason we were totally comfortable for like the first 35 minutes of this. And now I’m making you extremely nervous and I’m not sure why.

[00:40:36] CALLER: [Laughs] No, I’m sorry. I’m a little all over the place

[00:40:38] CHRIS: I know what it is, I know what it is. I said some compliments and you can’t handle that. I said some positive things. You didn’t like that. You’ve been flustered ever since. You’re probably beet-red in the basement. You’re beet-red and your insulin levels are skyrocketing.

[00:40:57] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah, they probably are. My face is probably red.

[00:41:04] CHRIS: Is that right, though? You’ve been giggling ever since I said that you seemed cool and full of potential. Is that- am I right? Or am I forcing that?

[00:41:12] CALLER: No, I mean, I think- I didn’t notice it, but you’re probably right.

[00:41:18] CHRIS: Been giggling like a mad woman ever since.

[00:41:21] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah, I have the giggles all the time. It’s not good.

[00:41:25] CHRIS: Oh, I’ve picked up on that. Yeah, I’ve noticed.

[00:41:29] CALLER: And then everyone’s like, oh, you must be so happy and well put together, and I’m like ha-ha, no.

[00:41:34] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah, similar, similar people. The dialog in your head doesn’t always match what’s going on. What the people see, what people see and what’s going on inside, they don’t always match. But you’re seeing a therapist. You’re finding ways to express yourself. I think that’s good.

[00:41:56] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah, I went to therapy yesterday and I was so embarrassed because like I came an hour early because I thought it was at 5:00, but it wasn’t, it was at 6:00. And then I just sat in the waiting room for an hour because I had nothing better to do.

[00:42:12] CHRIS: [Laughs] I had therapy yesterday as well. I had therapy on Skype.

[00:42:18] CALLER: Really?

[00:42:19] CHRIS: Yeah. Me and you. Yeah, it was one of those ones where I didn’t have all that much to say, but I was still glad I did it.

[00:42:25] CALLER: Yeah, it’s always good just to say something.

[00:42:29] CHRIS: Yeah, well it’s also nice to remember you’ve set aside an hour of your life to care for yourself and hold that in reserve. So that should you need to say something, you have it, I feel like.

[00:42:45] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Like, I didn’t even know I had depression until I hit like a wall like last summer. Like I just all of a sudden, I was just like I’d rather not exist anymore, like I didn’t necessarily want to kill myself or anything like that, but like, if I could just like evaporate and dissolve into like, the universe, that would be perfect.

[00:43:11] CHRIS: Bummer.

[00:43:14] CALLER: But then yeah, but then I told my mom like, I need to talk to someone I think, and then she was like okay. And then like going to therapy really helped and I feel a lot better, so-

[00:43:25] CHRIS: That’s good, that’s super- kudos to you that you just pulled the trigger and went for that. Took me years. It’s very responsible of you.

[00:43:35] CALLER: Yeah, I think I had like enough self-control to know that I would never do anything to myself or like hurt myself or anything.

[00:43:44] CHRIS: Yeah, that’s good. So it’s just a matter of figuring out how to not feel that way.

[00:43:49] CALLER: Yeah, exactly.

[00:43:50] CHRIS: Sounds like you got some good parents.

[00:43:54] CALLER: Oh, they’re great. I love them so much.

[00:43:58] CHRIS: That’s cool. We got about 20 minutes left.

[00:44:01] CALLER: Like I never went through-

[00:44:03] CHRIS: Oh, you go. You go.

[00:44:04] CALLER: Oh, yeah. Like I never went through that phase where I was like, I hate my mom, or I hate my dad. Like I’ve always been really close with them and like, we love each other a lot so- that sounded weird when I said it like that

[00:44:20] CHRIS: I never had that. There was a stretch where I felt very distant because of some self- when I was your age, when I was 20 or no, 19, my parents sold my childhood home. They also didn’t know I was falling into the pit of what would later come to be a critically praised depression. Many years later it would be met with critical praise via HBO. But they sold my house in the midst of that. And I cut them off for a summer. I didn’t want to talk to them that much. But I always loved my parents. My parents are the best. I always had- me and my dad. My dad was a hardworking, stressed out man. I also realized my mom, very Irish Catholic and kind of used my dad as a tool of like “when your father gets home, we will deal with this.” I was kind of scared of my dad. My dad would just walk in and be like, “hey, how’s it going?” And I’d be like [yells], so scared because of the set up, and that was not fair to my dad. So my dad and I had to- I had to kind of realize oh, my dad’s a pretty rad, dude. My dad’s retired now. He’s into photography, takes lots of pictures of animals he sees. Pretty sweet life.

[00:45:32] CALLER: Yeah, he sounds amazing.

[00:45:35] CHRIS: Yeah, pretty good guy. Pretty good guy. I’m lucky, very lucky. Now we got 20 minutes left. What else do we want to talk about? Okay, here’s- I’m gonna put it on the table. This first kiss, this first kiss, we getting it over with this summer? We gotta commit to this. Or are we just gonna let it roll? What do you think?

[00:45:58] CHRIS: I’m gonna go ahead and pause there, and just note about myself for it, for someone who has made many claims throughout his career that like punk rock is this guiding influence, I sure do spend a whole lot of time talking about how much I like my dad.

Not the most punk rock, but it’s the truth. Anyway, since I’ve broken up the flow, we

might as well hear from our advertisers, our sponsors, the people who help me bring the show to you for free. Do check out what they have to offer. I think there’s a lot of cool stuff. Use the promo codes. Helps Beautiful Anonymous when you do and we’ll be right back.

[AD BREAK]

[00:48:06] CHRIS: Thank you again so much to everybody who helps make this show happen. Now let’s finish off this phone call.

[00:48:12] CHRIS: We getting it over with this summer? We gotta commit to this. Or are we just going to let it roll? What do you think?

[00:48:22] CALLER: You know, maybe I’ll just do it because, like-

[00:48:26] CHRIS: I don’t want to force it, I’m not trying to force you to smooch.

[00:48:27] CALLER: No, no, I know. I mean, trust me, like my friends have been like just do it, and I’m like, no. But like it’s ultimately up to me. But, yeah, I don’t know. I feel like it would be good for me in a sense, like, just like maybe go out and have fun for once.

[00:48:47] CHRIS: You’ve gotta have fun. Hey, here’s the thing I’ll say, and it doesn’t

necessarily just relate to kissing. You got to go out and have fun. You got to give yourself permission to do that. And believe me, you clearly know my work, you’re an improv nerd. These are my people. If there’s anybody, if there’s anybody who’s lived like you have, it’s me from New Jersey, depressed. You gotta- my main regret, I’ll tell you one of my main regrets in life is there was a stretch of life where it was expected for me to have a lot of fun and I had almost no fun. And if I could get those years back, I would. I would. And I don’t say that about too many stretches in my life as far as regrets go. But I think about a few of those years at Rutgers where I knew, and I mean, it was medical and it was hard and it

was scary. And if there’s any regret, it’s just, man, I could have had more fun. Could’ve had more fun. I was scared. I was sad. I was hurting. It needed treatment. I didn’t get that treatment. You have. I think that’s so beautiful and commendable. Have fun. Have fun while

you’re young. Jersey shore.

[00:50:00] CALLER: Yeah, I’ve definitely noticed that like a lot of times when like, I’m feeling sad or like I don’t want to interact with people, like in my head, I’m like don’t go out because you’re just gonna be like, sad and you’ll want to go home. But like, every time I do go out when I’m sad, I always end up having a good time and feeling better. And I’m like, why don’t I just tell myself that? Because I know it’s true, so just go out.

[00:50:24] CHRIS: Well, I’m pretty convinced because you have that feeling, “I’m gonna be bummed out. I’m going to feel out of place. I’m gonna bum other people out. I’m gonna harsh everyone else’s good time. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants me around doing

that.” But I’m also pretty convinced, I am convinced that depression is this thing that wants

to live on. It wants to dominate in that internal dialog. Spend a lot of time convincing you to

listen to it. And that when you do those things that go in the other direction, you actually conquer it, you know. I feel like that’s the depression.  “Hey, don’t go out. Don’t go out. You don’t want to be miserable. You make other people miserable.” You listen to that, that’s so it can survive. It’s like anything else. It’s like any other organism, it wants to survive.

[00:51:05] CALLER: Yes, exactly. I mean like I keep telling myself that. And like I think- I hope I’m getting better. I think I am.

[00:51:16] CHRIS: Yeah, I hope so too. You got any pals down in Belmar? You got your Jersey shore pals?

[00:51:24] CALLER: Yeah, I have friends from high school, but I don’t really talk to them all that much. My closest friend, well one of my best friends is down here and she’s like- we’re like sisters basically at this point.

[00:51:36] CHRIS: You hang out a lot?

[00:51:38] CALLER: Yeah. It’s like, it’s one of those friendships where like when we hang out, we literally do nothing. Like we’ll just like sit on the couch and like, maybe not even have the TV on, and we’ll just like maybe fall asleep. Like we’re like that comfortable with each other.

[00:51:55] CHRIS: That’s a good friend.

[00:51:58] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:51:59] CHRIS: And they go to a different school, you don’t see them except for the summers?

[00:52:03] CALLER: Yeah.  Like she stayed home. She went to a community college near us.

[00:52:07] CHRIS: I’m almost certain I know which one. As a Jersey resident, I’m certain I know which one. Oh, a Jersey shore kid at a community college? Oh, really? I assume it’s named after-

[00:52:21] CALLER: [Laughs] I don’t want to give myself away.

[00:52:24] CHRIS: [Laughs] We’ll bleep it, but I assume it’s [beep]. It’s gotta be [beep], right?

[00:52:29] CALLER: Oh, no it’s close, like it’s actually [beep]

[00:52:33] CHRIS: Oh, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. We’re bleeping all those names. We’re bleeping all those names, but I guessed the wrong one. I guessed the wrong one. Son of a bitch. I feel like an asshole.

[00:52:46] CALLER: [Laughs] But that was a very, very good guess, I would say.

[00:52:49] CHRIS: Right? Although I don’t think that’s actually a community college. Who cares, anyways, who cares.

[00:52:55] CALLER: Yeah, I mean my sister went there, but- oh my god, I just said that. But it’s okay. It’s alright, she doesn’t listen.

[00:53:01] CHRIS: Well, thanks.

[00:53:03] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah she goes- she went to the other place that you said. And like I consider it like community cause that’s where everyone goes

[00:53:12] CHRIS: [Laughs] Yeah, it’s where everybody goes down there.

[00:53:16] CALLER: So, yeah. Yeah, my best friend, like yeah, we go- like we drive together all the time. We like blast the music when we’re driving. It’s always fun hanging out with her.

[00:53:29] CHRIS: It sounds fun. You guys ever do fun things that don’t happen in the isolation of a car?

[00:53:35] CALLER: Oh, yeah. Like we go to like, we go to a lot of concerts together. Like whenever I go to a show, I invite her with me. And it was funny though, because like I invited her to your show like a few weeks ago and like she said yes. But then like, something came up and she couldn’t come. And then I was like, oh, I have an extra ticket and I don’t know who to ask. So like, I invited my other friend who lives in the area. And then like when you were like “who forced someone to go to this show?” I was like, oh my god, don’t raise your hand. Like I didn’t mean to force you, but I kind of did.

[00:54:11] CHRIS: It’s okay. Your friend bailed and you had to convince someone- that’s okay. Some people like me. Some people like me and actively want to come to my shows.

[00:54:22] CALLER: [Laughs] No, I didn’t mean it as like a thing at you.

[00:54:26] CHRIS: Sick burn. Sick burn, yeah. You burned me hard dude.

[00:54:30] CALLER: I would definitely say you’re just niche, like a little bit.

[00:54:35] CHRIS: What was that?

[00:54:37] CALLER: I just say like, you’re like a niche comedian, a little bit.

[00:54:39] CHRIS: I’m a niche. Oh, great.

[00:54:40] CALLER: People who know you, like, love you.

[00:54:42] CHRIS: Oh, god. This is my nightmare.

[00:54:44] CALLER: No, no. In the best way, in the best sense.

[00:54:47] CHRIS: [Groaning] What do I gotta- how many years do I gotta go before I’m not niche. I was niche back when I still had a full respectable hairline, and I’m still niche now, and god-

[00:55:00] CALLER: [Laughs] No, I don’t mean to hurt you at all.

[00:55:05] CHRIS: Oh god. I just threw my glasses on the table. Oh god. Niche.

[00:55:08] CALLER: [Laughs] I feel so bad now. We were so good.

[00:55:12] CHRIS: No, someday mainstream- someday I’ll be embraced. Have some stability.

[00:55:20] CALLER: No, like my other favorite comedian is Bo Burnam. And like, I wouldn’t consider him mainstream.

[00:55:25] CHRIS: But be honest, let’s be honest. Would you consider Bo Burnham as

more mainstream and successful than me? Be honest.

[00:55:31] CALLER: [Laughs] I mean, in terms of like my friends knowing him, I would say yes, but like it doesn’t mean he’s better.

[00:55:44] CHRIS: In terms of financial stability and long term career prospects.

[00:55:51] CALLER: [Laughs] No, no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that at all.

[00:55:55] CHRIS: Let’s be honest, and you can be honest again. Be honest again.

[00:55:58] CALLER: OK.

[00:55:59] CHRIS: Who’s number one? Who’s number two? Be honest.

[00:56:03] CALLER: Oh my god. I really can’t- I really can’t pick.

[00:56:07] CHRIS: We both know it’s Bo. We both know Bo’s number one, come on.

[00:56:10] CALLER: No, no

[00:56:11] CHRIS: He plays piano

[00:56:13] CALLER: You’re both very different.

[00:56:14] CHRIS: He plays piano. He’s so charming and so smart

[00:56:17] CALLER: But like his stuff. No, like his stuff is all- like I mean to a certain degree is all made up and it’s not like stories from his life or anything like that. It’s just like a fabricated show and like experience. Where yours is very authentic and like true and real, and like I feel like it’s different.

[00:56:37] CHRIS: This is a very nice way of you saying that I’m number two.

[00:56:41] CALLER: [Laughs] No, no, no, not at all.

[00:56:44] CHRIS: [Sighs] Who are your other favorites?

[00:56:45] CALLER: I would say it’s split equal. I really can’t- I can’t choose.

[00:56:50] CHRIS: Who are your other favorites? Oh god, I’m niche. I’m a niche, niche comedian. Chris Gethard.

[00:56:55] CALLER: No, oh my god, I’m so sorry.

[00:56:57] CHRIS: Niche.

[00:56:58] CALLER: I would say I’m niche in my life, if that makes you feel better.

[00:57:03] CHRIS: [Laughs] I’m a 37 year old, relatively successful person at this point who just forced a depressed 21 year old to give me a pep talk.

[00:57:16] CALLER: [Laughs] I’m so sorry. No, I love you like I’ve never met you, but I love you.

[00:57:22] CHRIS: I love you too. Now, wait. What’s your summer job? What’s your summer job?

[00:57:28] CALLER: Well, I just got an internship at an insurance company. And basically, I’m just right now, I’m just making like cold calls and things like that to different businesses,

asking them if they want like, employee benefits.

[00:57:46] CHRIS: Oh wow. It’s gonna be a long summer, huh?

[00:57:51] CALLER: Yeah, like it’s so demoralizing at some points cause like you just call

people and then they like hang up on you and like no one wants your benefits even though

you’re trying to help them and things like that.

[00:58:04] CHRIS: You should apply for an internship at The Chris Gethard Show. Should apply for one of those.

[00:58:08] CALLER: I would’ve. I should’ve.

[00:58:10] CHRIS: We haven’t taken them yet, you still can.

[00:58:13] CALLER: Oh my- I will, I will apply. I’m not getting-

[00:58:16] CHRIS: I can’t do you any favors. I don’t know who you are. And I’m not making- I don’t do the interviews myself. You should apply, maybe come hang out with us for the

summer. Who knows? And then at the end, after our last episode, you quietly say “hey,

that was me.”  And then I look you in the eye and go. “I knew the whole time. Cause you

have the most distinctive voice I’ve ever heard.”

[00:58:38] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah. I mean, I feel like just being on here, like if my friends are listening, they’ll know it’s me, like it’s not hard

[00:58:45] CHRIS: They have to. I mean, you have a pixie-ish voice, you constantly giggle, and you have just the slight traces of a New Jersey accent. Very distinct. Very distinct.

[00:58:56] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[00:59:00] CHRIS: We got eight minutes left.

[00:59:02] CALLER: Oh my god, okay. I want to say something like- like it’s stupid, but I want to say something like meaningful and important. Like I don’t know.

[00:59:11] CHRIS: The floor is yours. I’m going to shut up. You take a second, think about it.

[00:59:16] CALLER: Oh no. Like I mean-

[00:59:18] CHRIS: Drop something meaningful and important.

[00:59:20] CALLER: [Laughs] Like I want to be like, you know, I feel like I’m like- now I’m going to sound like such a millennial again. Like I want to be like the cool person in like a John Green novel. Like where you like have to figure out, like the metaphor.

[00:59:35] CHRIS: [Laughs] John Green novel.

[00:59:39] CALLER: He’s not my favorite author. Like, I’ll be honest, 100 percent honest about that. He’s not my favorite author at all.

[00:59:45] CHRIS: Who is? Who is your favorite author?

[00:59:48] CALLER: I would probably say Bret Easton Ellis is my favorite.

[00:59:52] CHRIS: Oh, nice. I was certain you were gonna say J.K. Rowling.

[00:59:54] CALLER: American Psycho is my favorite- oh, no, I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books and I should. Everyone loves them.

[01:00:00] CHRIS: Yeah, me neither. Yet another thing we have in common. People tell me they’re great. My wife is like, you in particular- would flip out. Harry in the booth is nodding his head, yes, that I would flip out over Harry Potter. You get an internship at The Chris Gethard Show, me and you start a Harry Potter book club. How’s that sound?

[01:00:19] CALLER: That sounds amazing, actually. Yeah, I love to read. I could talk about books I love. I love reading, I could talk about it all day.

[01:00:27] CHRIS: The least millennial sentence ever. That’s the least millennial sentence ever said. “I love to read, I could talk about books all day.”

[01:00:36] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. Like American Psycho’s my favorite book and like, I know there’s so much controversy like around that book because it just- I don’t know if you- have you ever read it?

[01:00:54] CHRIS: No, I’ve seen the movie, though.

[01:00:56] CALLER: Yeah. Well, yeah. So like the book is- if you can think of the goriest things you’ve ever heard or read it like it’s hard to read the book in the sense that like it’s so graphic and and violent and just horrible like a lot of the things that are being said.  But I love it because like in a way, it shows like how desensitized society has become toward like violence and like just how like, there is so much misogyny and so much racism and things like that. And like, I just think it’s the best book there is. I don’t know, I love it.

[01:01:37] CHRIS: I love it. I love that you said you wanted to drop something meaningful and profound and then gave us a book report on American Psycho.

[01:01:45] CALLER: [Laughs] Yeah. Yeah, it’s not- I mean, I’ll never be able to be as poetic as I hope to be.

[01:01:53] CHRIS: That’s okay. Me neither. Me neither.

[01:01:58] CALLER: I could try, I guess, but it’s no use I think. But yeah, and then- no, what were you gonna say?

[01:02:08] CHRIS: I was going to say I like you and I think you’re going to turn out okay. I think you’re going to push through this depression. I really hope you do because I think you’re cool.

[01:02:17] CALLER: Thank you. I think you’re cool as well.

[01:02:21] CHRIS: Not as cool as Bo Burnham. But I’m pretty cool.

[01:02:25] CALLER: [Laughs] No, equally as cool. I can never pick favorites.

[01:02:27] CHRIS: No, he’s definitely cooler than me. He’s definitely cooler than I am. Like all jokes aside, Bo’s super cool. I am decidedly not-

[01:02:36] CALLER: Have you ever met him or anything?

[01:02:38] CHRIS: Yeah, it’s funny. I met him- there’s a big comedy festival in Montreal. And many years ago I was there and I was getting some food with a friend, and she was like a mutual friend of both of us. And he sat down and he was a real sweet dude. And I’ll say this, too. I only knew Bo as like a YouTube guy. And I think amongst comedians there’s a little pretentiousness about like, oh a YouTube star. And I had heard his name and not experienced it much. And I sat down, he was such a thoughtful, smart very- and he was just a teenager at this point. Very thoughtful, smart, open guy. And I immediately said, wow, there is something very special about this person. And then I went back and actually watched all his stuff. And I was like, oh, there is a very clear, quiet brilliance to this that extends well beyond the YouTube stereotype. And Bo and I are not the closest. We’ve only met once or twice. I assume he will never hear this. But I really- it was really eye opening. It was one of those moments, every once in a blue moon, as a creative person, you wind up around someone else and you go, oh, this person is very- there’s something very, very special about this person. So all jokes about my insecurity about your love of Bo Burnham aside, I do think that there’s something very special about him for sure.

[01:03:54] CALLER: I didn’t mean to shift it towards him, but like because I honestly think you’re both special in your own ways.

[01:04:02] CHRIS: I’m a lot of people’s second favorite comedian. I’m a lot of people’s second favorite comedian. You don’t have to make me feel better about it. I’m happy to be a lot of people’s number two. Lot of people’s number two.

[01:04:15] CALLER: No, no, no way.

[01:04:17] CHRIS: A lot of people who love John Mulaney are also pretty all right with me. That’s my career. That’s okay. It’s all right. A lot of people love Mike Birbiglia does it, a lot of people love Mike Birbiglia, tolerate me.

[01:04:29] CALLER: Oh my god, yeah. Don’t Think Twice was great.

[01:04:31] CHRIS: Well, yeah. You’re an improv nerd.

[01:04:33] CALLER: It was- yeah, I definitely- I saw that in theaters. And like, I was like, oh my god, that’s Chris Gethard. And then my uncle was like, “oh my god, he’s great.” And I was like, “you like him too?” And I was like, oh my god. We had a whole discussion about it.

[01:04:46] CHRIS: Be honest. You had to explain who I was to your uncle.

[01:04:50] CALLER: No, I swear he knew. He’s all into everything improv too, so-

[01:04:55] CHRIS: Oh, that uncle. That’s cool. Well, we got two minutes left. I don’t know if I’ve given you what you needed in this call. We got two minutes to clear up. What else? What else? What else can we talk about? What do you need? How can I help?

[01:05:10] CALLER: Oh my god, I don’t even know. I feel like just honestly, just talking with you for this hour, it helped me like a lot. Like even though we like, I don’t know, just talking for me out loud is cathartic in a way

[01:05:28] CHRIS: I hope you do more because you got a lot to say, and you’re a great conversationalist, really. You are.

[01:05:34] CALLER: Thank you. Like, I’m like- I’m just so surprised I actually got on. Like, I never thought I’d actually be able to talk to you.

[01:05:42]CHRIS: It’s okay. And what- let’s loop it back around to the beginning. This boy. Why don’t you meet up? You going to meet up at all this summer? You gonna call him? How do you think this is going to end? In your heart of hearts, how does this end?

[01:05:56] CALLER: I feel like I won’t have the confidence to call him or like be like, hey, let’s meet up and do something together. I don’t know, I feel like it’s gonna-  somewhere in my heart, even though like- that sounds stupid- but like, somewhere deep down, I have like a visceral feeling like it’s going to work out. And like, that’s not a feeling I get a whole lot. And it’s just I feel okay about him and about how things are gonna turn out.

[01:06:28] CHRIS: You say you don’t have the confidence. I feel like in 45 seconds when that bell rings, you should call him, see how he’s doing. You can talk to me. You can talk to him.

[01:06:39] CALLER: I guess so. Yeah, I hope so.

[01:06:42] CHRIS: You’re not gonna, are you? You’re not gonna though, are you?

[01:06:45] CALLER: Probably not.

[01:06:47] CHRIS: [Laughs]

[01:06:52] CALLER: [Laughs] Most likely not.

[01:06:54] CHRIS: Okay, well I did my best.

[01:06:55] CALLER: But maybe, I don’t know. Yeah, you did as much as you could.

[01:07:00] CHRIS: I hope you find your confidence. Sincerely, I hope you find your confidence because you’ve been a pleasure to talk to.

[01:07:06] CALLER: Thank you.

[01:07:07] CHRIS: You seem super cool.

[01:07:08] CALLER: Thank you so much.

[01:07:09] CHRIS: I hope people tell you that you’re super cool.

[01:07:12] CALLER: Yeah, I hope so too

[Ringing]

[01:07:20] CHRIS: Thanks so much to our caller for calling. I hope you go- I hope you are- if you didn’t call the asexual boy right after the call, I hope that you’re calling him now after you heard it because so clearly you like him and you have so much respect for him. And that’s the important part, right. Got all that respect for how he’s going to handle things. See how it’s gonna go. I hope you find your confidence. Thank you so much for calling. Thank you to the Reverend John DeLore and Gretta Cohn, helped build the show in the early days. And thank you to Jarrod O’Connell, Harry Nelson in the booth, helping me get through these things. The guiding infrastructure of this ship as it sails wherever you, the listener wants it to go. Thank you to Shell Shag for all the music throughout the show, you guys are the best. Good seeing you the other night. Wanna know more about me and if I’m ever getting out on the road, ChrisGeth.com, you can find all that info. You like the show, rate, review, subscribe on Apple podcasts. It really does help so, so much. So please do so. I’ll stop with all the plugs. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your day. Maybe I’ll talk to you next time. Thanks so much for listening. [OUTRO MUSIC]