EP. 207 — Nicole Does Not Want a Monkey Baby?!

BF-207-20230520-JDv02-DYN.mp3

 

[00:00:03] SASHEER: Okay, friends! We are back with a live show in Los Angeles. We’re going to be at the Largo at the Coronet, Monday, June 19.

 

[00:00:11] NICOLE: It’s our live show! It’s our first live show in a while, and we are so excited to be together and to be with you. Come! Bring your best friend! Bring multiple best friends! Bring your friendship questions and be ready to have a lot of fun.

 

[00:00:36] SASHEER: Tickets are available at largo.la.com for Monday, June 19th. See you there!

 

[00:00:46] NICOLE: See you there. People will be like, “They’re sick. They’re not well. Maybe we should go and check up on them.”

 

[00:00:55] SASHEER: Yes.

 

[00:01:08] NICOLE: Hello, Sasheer.

 

[00:01:09] SASHEER: Hi, Nicole.

 

[00:01:12] NICOLE: I woke up naked today.

 

[00:01:16] SASHEER: And is that okay?

 

[00:01:20] NICOLE: No, it’s not okay. I don’t sleep naked. That’s not my jam. It’s not what I do. But I went out last night, and I had a really nice time. And we did these shots called gummy shots. I don’t know. It was tequila, a lime, and then a shark gummy–like a sugary gummy. I don’t know. It was really tasty. And we did too many. And I got home, and I was like, “Get to bed.” But then I ate some lasagna, and then I got to bed because it was Friday. And then I got to bed. And then I woke up at 6:00 a.m. fully naked on top of my covers. I don’t know who she is.

 

[00:01:59] SASHEER: So, you weren’t even covered by the sheets?

 

[00:02:01] NICOLE: No, just naked, airing out my puss. And, like, if a fire happened, I would have been naked.

 

[00:02:15] SASHEER: Yes. You would have been naked if a fire happened or if anything happened.

 

[00:02:18] NICOLE: The firefighters–they would have been like, “You’re so naked.” And they would’ve been like, “I don’t know if I can save you. You’re naked.”

 

[00:02:27] SASHEER: But don’t you think you would have maybe, like, shot up and, like, got a robe or something or at least taken the covers underneath you and wrap them around yourself?

 

[00:02:36] NICOLE: I don’t have a robe. What am I? Hugh Hefner? I don’t have robes.

 

[00:02:42] SASHEER: Why not? You should get robes.

 

[00:02:45] NICOLE:  When would I ever wear a robe? When I get out of the shower, I’m like, “Let me sit in a robe for a minute”?

 

[00:02:52] SASHEER: That is precisely when you would do it. That’s exactly what you would do. You’d get in the shower, and if you’re not ready to get dressed but need to putz about your house, wear a robe.

 

[00:03:09] NICOLE: No. I’m not Hugh Hefner. That’s his thing. And he’s gone. So, I can’t have a robe. Sorry about it.

 

[00:03:17] SASHEER: I don’t think Hugh Hefner owns robes. I guess he did wear a lot of them outside. But a lot of people wear robes.

 

[00:03:25] NICOLE: That was like his whole thing. Loafers and a robe and blond women. Next, you’re going to tell me to walk around with blond women. I’m not Hugh Hefner, Sasheer.

 

[00:03:38] SASHEER: You know what? Why not? And why not? Ever think about that? Why aren’t you Hugh Hefner?

 

[00:03:45] NICOLE: Why aren’t I Hugh Hefner? That’s a great question. I could be Hugh Hefner because he’s, like, all dead and stuff. And I could just take over and just be more ethical. He did some bad stuff.

 

[00:03:59] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:04:00] NICOLE: I’ll treat my women well.

 

[00:04:05] SASHEER: See? There you go.

 

[00:04:07] NICOLE: There we go! What have you been doing?

 

[00:04:12] SASHEER: Not sleeping. I don’t know what’s going on. I tried to sleep last night. Well, I was so tired yesterday, and I went to bed at, like, 9:00 p.m. And I was like, “This might be bad because I’m going to wake up, like, in the middle of the night.” And I did, at 1:00 a.m. And then couldn’t get back to sleep. And then I started hearing little scratchy sounds in the house. And it was probably because I think it was also raining outside. But I never know because I have PTSD from the rodents that were in my house. So, then I think everything’s a mouse or something or an intruder or something that’s not supposed to be there. So, I was just listening for hours.

 

[00:04:59] NICOLE: Oh no. I’m sorry.

 

[00:05:05] SASHEER: And I tried to take a nap before this. And I couldn’t, I was lying there.

 

[00:05:09] NICOLE: Oh no. I’m so sorry. It sucks when you can’t sleep because sleep is so important.

 

[00:05:18] SASHEER: And then people are being like, “What do you do when you can’t sleep?” And I’m like, “Are people doing things? I don’t have a routine. I don’t do a thing when I can’t sleep.”

 

[00:05:25] NICOLE: I take Ambien.

 

[00:05:28] SASHEER: I don’t have that.

 

[00:05:30] NICOLE: Oh. You should get them.

 

[00:05:34] SASHEER: Is it a prescription, or do you just go to the drugstore?

 

[00:05:37] NICOLE: When we went to Mexico, I got Ambien because I have such a hard time sleeping. I got it right over the counter. I got a bunch. I think it’s ten milligrams. But I can take five and go right to sleep. And it’s nice. And it is a dead sleep. You are gone. Your soul leaves your body. And then when your soul comes back to your body, you are well rested. But I will say, if you take it, you gotta go right to sleep, so you don’t do bad things. Like, sometimes you’ll–not Ambien–but, like, you’ll walk and do things and not remember it.

 

[00:06:16] SASHEER: Like sleepwalk?

 

[00:06:18] NICOLE: Yeah, kind of.

 

[00:06:20] SASHEER: Have you done that?

 

[00:06:21] NICOLE: Once. The first time I took it, I took one. And then I woke up. And I don’t remember this, but I took another one. So, then the next day, I was a little zombie, and my eyes were going in different directions. Oh, good times. But, yeah, I only take it if I’ve had trouble sleeping for, like, two nights in a row. And then the third night, I’m like, “I am so fucking tired, I’ll take it at, like, 10:00.” And if I’m having trouble sleeping past 10:00, I’m like, “Well, can’t fuck up tomorrow.” So, I just struggle.

 

[00:07:00] SASHEER: Maybe I should get something. I don’t know.

 

[00:07:03] NICOLE: I think that might be good. I wonder if there’s things weighing on your heart as well. What a weird way to say that. I wonder if you have a heavy heart and things going on.

 

[00:07:21] SASHEER: Well, it doesn’t feel that way, so I don’t know.

 

[00:07:24] NICOLE: Because sometimes in therapy, things will get revealed, and I’ll go, “Oh… my… God.” And then I sleep a little bit better.

 

[00:07:35] SASHEER: Yeah, I don’t know. I can’t actively think of what could be weighing on my heart right now. But I have therapy in a week. Maybe I’ll sleep after that.

 

[00:07:44] NICOLE: Yeah! Wait, you have therapy on Saturday?

 

[00:07:48] SASHEER: Sunday.

 

[00:07:49] NICOLE: Sunday? That’s wild. Have you ever seen the video of a man and another man and they’re at brunch and he goes, “Hey, what’s Saturday for?” And he goes, “Sunday funday.” And he’s like, “No, Saturday.” And he goes, “Saturday.” He goes, “No. What are Saturdays for?” And he goes, “Saturday.”

 

[00:08:11] SASHEER: I think I’ve heard that audio, but I’ve never seen the actual video.

 

[00:08:14] NICOLE: It’s so funny, and I keep running across it on the internet and I just “tee-hee-hee.”

 

[00:08:21] SASHEER: “Saturday.”

 

[00:08:22] NICOLE: “Saturday.” Okay. You said that you’re not coming back the day you said you were coming back, which is really upsetting because it feels like you’re never coming back.

 

[00:08:36] SASHEER: I know. It does feel that way.

 

[00:08:38] NICOLE: Lord, Lord, Lord. Oh, here’s an update with pole dancing. I know it was burning in your heart, you needed to know, and you were like, “What’s happening with Nicole’s pole dancing? That’s what’s weighing on my heart.”

 

[00:08:54] SASHEER: “That’s what’s keeping me up at night.”

 

[00:08:56] NICOLE: I inverted.

 

[00:08:58] SASHEER: Yes!

 

[00:09:01] NICOLE: But not from standing.

 

[00:09:03] SASHEER: Okay.

 

[00:09:05] NICOLE: This lady on Instagram was like, “Here’s how you invert if you can’t do it standing.” So, I get into a little back bend situation and then do it. And I did it by myself without an exercise ball under me. And then I couldn’t get my butt up enough to, like, actually hang there. But I did it, and I was proud of myself.

 

[00:09:27] SASHEER: Okay. So, you do a backbend. Where’s the pole?

 

[00:09:30] NICOLE: The pole is here underneath my–

 

[00:09:36] SASHEER: Armpit?

 

[00:09:36] NICOLE: Yeah.

 

[00:09:37] SASHEER: Oh, I see.

 

[00:09:38] NICOLE: It’s almost like starting in the middle of the invert, but I’m not air… bound. No, that’s not… Air…? “Air bound?” What’s it called when you’re in the air? “Suspended.” I’m not suspended in the air.

 

[00:09:58] SASHEER: “Air bound” didn’t sound wrong. It didn’t sound wrong to me, though.

 

[00:10:00] NICOLE: I think it was, though.

 

[00:10:02] JORDAN: Is it “airborne?”

 

[00:10:04] NICOLE: Yeah. “Airborne” or “suspended in the air.” But I think “airborne” is what I was trying to go for.

 

[00:10:13] SASHEER: Bound for the air.

 

[00:10:16] NICOLE: I’m bound for the air. “Air bound” reminds me of, like, Air Bud. Isn’t it funny that a movie got made about a dog that plays basketball and we all said, “Yes!”

 

[00:10:28] SASHEER: Yeah, I still need to watch it.

 

[00:10:30] NICOLE: I feel like it’s very funny, but I don’t really remember.

 

[00:10:34] SASHEER: Is it even supposed to be funny, or is it like a heartfelt kids’ movie?

 

[00:10:39] NICOLE: Uh oh. Maybe it’s that. I don’t fucking remember, Sasheer. Maybe I have to watch it, too.

 

[00:10:46] SASHEER: We should watch it.

 

[00:10:46] NICOLE: I feel like Air Bud wouldn’t get made now.

 

[00:10:51] SASHEER: I mean, why not? People love animals.

 

[00:10:54] NICOLE: I know, but, like, the pitch is like, “A golden retriever plays basketball really well. I think people would be like, “No, let’s make more Harry Potters.”

 

[00:11:02] SASHEER: Yeah, we are in a phase of remakes as opposed to new original–

 

[00:11:06] NICOLE: Whoa! There are a lot of Air Buds.

 

[00:11:11] SASHEER: Air Bud. Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Air Bud: World Pup. Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. Air Bud: Spikes Back.” Air Buddies. Space Buddies. Santa Buddies, Spooky Buddies. Treasure Buddies. Super Buddies.

 

[00:11:29] NICOLE: Wow, I really got to see Spooky Buddies. I think that’s the one I got to see. I like spooky dogs.

 

[00:11:38] SASHEER: I also like that they’re like, “We’re not doing sports anymore. We ran out of all the sports, and now there are just, like, a lot of dogs.”

 

[00:11:47] NICOLE: But they didn’t! What about Air Bud: Volleyball? Air Bud: Hockey? Air Bud: Pickleball, the fastest growing sport in America?

 

[00:11:58] SASHEER: Do you know this for a fact? Why would you say that?

 

[00:11:58] NICOLE: I feel like somebody said that to me. I feel like someone said, “Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America.” Jordan, can you look it up? Please don’t let me be wrong. I will be so embarrassed.

 

[00:12:16] SASHEER: I do feel like I’ve seen pickleball all over the place, and I don’t understand it.

 

[00:12:22] NICOLE: Because it’s the fastest growing sport in America.

 

[00:12:31] SASHEER: Wow. As of April 10th, 2023, pickleball is America’s fastest growing court.

 

[00:12:38] NICOLE: How did I know that? It’s incredible what I know and don’t know.

 

[00:12:46] SASHEER: Also, how did you know to phrase it like that?

 

[00:12:49] NICOLE: I’m being paid by big pickle.

 

[00:12:51] SASHEER: Yes. This feels like an ad. “Are you ready to play America’s fastest growing sport?”

 

[00:12:59] NICOLE: Yeah, I’m in a deal with big pickleball to spread the word.

 

[00:13:05] SASHEER: It seems like they don’t need the help.

 

[00:13:08] NICOLE: No. They don’t. They’re doing great. Did I tell you I painted the ceiling of my living room watermelon?

 

[00:13:27] SASHEER: No.

 

[00:13:29] NICOLE: I painted the ceiling a luscious watermelon color.

 

[00:13:36] SASHEER: The inside of the watermelon or the outside?

 

[00:13:39] NICOLE: What the fuck is wrong with you? Who has ever said and referenced the outside of a watermelon as a color? That’s just green! What’s wrong with you? That’s like referencing the rind of a watermelon and being like, “It’s off-white.” I just got disproportionately angry with you.

 

[00:14:08] SASHEER: Yeah! I didn’t think it was that bad. Yeah, it is green on the outside, but it’s also got, like, lighter green waves. So maybe you painted it like a watermelon, and it had, like, green squigglies on the ceiling.

 

[00:14:25] NICOLE: You think I painted green squigglies on my ceiling?

 

[00:14:28] SASHEER: I wouldn’t put it past you. You’re sitting in front of black and white squigglies right now.

 

[00:14:35] NICOLE: That is absolutely correct, friend. But no, I did not paint green squigglies on the ceiling.

 

[00:14:44] SASHEER: Also, the inside of a watermelon is just pink. Why wouldn’t you just say pink? Or, like, anything else that’s pink.

 

[00:14:51] NICOLE: Because if I just said pink, you would think pig pink.

 

[00:14:55] SASHEER: What? How do you know what I would think when you say pink? Why do you think I would reference a pig? Why wouldn’t I reference a flamingo? Or a tongue?

 

[00:15:05] NICOLE: I would be so upset if someone was like, “Oh, I paint my room tongue pink.” “Ew, you did?” Imagine going to Home Depot and sticking out your tongue and being like, “This is the color I want.”

 

[00:15:23] SASHEER: “I really love this color.”

 

[00:15:26] NICOLE: “I love my tongue. I want that color.”

 

[00:15:33] SASHEER: There’s many pinks. That’s all I’m saying.

 

[00:15:36] NICOLE: Yes, but watermelon is, like, a specific kind of pink.

 

[00:15:40] SASHEER: It’s more reddish?

 

[00:15:45] NICOLE: Yeah. Or orangey red. So, mine… The picture with the watermelon. It’s the second one in. Number F35659.

 

[00:15:58] SASHEER: From what brand?

 

[00:16:01] NICOLE: I mean, I don’t know. I have no idea what brand that is, but that’s the closest color that the ceiling is.

 

[00:16:09] SASHEER: Is your chandelier still pink?

 

[00:16:11] NICOLE: Oh, yeah, baby.

 

[00:16:12] SASHEER: Watermelon?

 

[00:16:13] NICOLE: No, no, that’s hot pink, friend. I’m going to need you to get on board with colors.

 

[00:16:24] SASHEER: I guess I don’t know shit about colors.

 

[00:16:27] NICOLE: It’s okay. I forgive you. But, yeah, that’s what’s going on. I’ve been painting. Also, I bought from Wayfarer–very cheap–a shoe closet. A shoe-by-the-door-put-them-away guy. Do you know what I mean?

 

[00:16:49] SASHEER: A shoe organizer?

 

[00:16:50] NICOLE: Yeah, but it’s got doors and stuff.

 

[00:16:53] SASHEER: Cabinet.

 

[00:16:54] NICOLE:  Yes, a shoe cabinet. And then I bought a drop cloth, paint, primer, sandpaper because I visited mommy blog diy.com, and she said, “You can paint laminate furniture or, like, IKEA furniture.” And I said, “You can, mommy?” And she said, “Yeah, read more. So, I read more, and then I bought all the supplies I needed. And I’m going to DIY, Sasheer.

 

[00:17:25] SASHEER: Oh, my goodness. So, wait. What piece of furniture are you sanding and painting?

 

[00:17:33] NICOLE: Sasheer, the shoe cabinet!

 

[00:17:35] SASHEER: Oh, I see. I didn’t realize we were still on the shoe cabinet. I thought you meant a different piece of furniture.

 

[00:17:46] NICOLE: No.

 

[00:17:47] SASHEER: What color are you going to paint it?

 

[00:17:51] NICOLE: Magenta. Everything’s just kind of in the same color family. But this one’s, like, more plummy. It’s like a plummy magenta.

 

[00:18:03] SASHEER: Okay. Great.

 

[00:18:05] NICOLE: Yeah, I’m really excited. I’m making my place real fucking colorful. I’m smiling all the time.

 

[00:18:14] SASHEER:  Oh, good. That’s good.

 

[00:18:16] NICOLE: But I need a job. I gotta get out of here. I keep finding things to do. I got to go.

 

[00:18:21] SASHEER: Yeah. You’re sanding a shoe cabinet?

 

[00:18:24] NICOLE: Yes. Who would have ever thought my life would turn into this? Go to mommydiy.com and sanding things down? Oh. Lord Jesus.

 

[00:18:35] SASHEER: I commend you. I feel like I wouldn’t have the patience to do that.

 

[00:18:39] NICOLE: I don’t know if I’m going to have the patience to do it. I bought all this stuff. Who knows if I’m actually going to do it, you know? I hope I have not set myself up for failure with a task I cannot accomplish. Well, if you can’t finish, you just have someone else do it. Oh, yes. Yes, queen. Yes. Outsource the work! Hire somebody else, watch them do it, and say, “You’re doing it wrong!”

 

[00:19:11] SASHEER: Yeah. Don’t do it wrong yourself. Tell someone else they’re doing it wrong.

 

[00:19:15] NICOLE: I also bought, to go behind my pole– I wanted to make it, like, pretty and stuff, so I felt good about pulling in my little office space. So, I bought these 3D flowers. They’re squares, and they, like, have big flowers attached to, like, a trellis on the back. And they’re more expensive than I wanted them to be because they’re from Amazon. But all of the flowers keep falling off. And then the instructions literally say, “If the flowers fall off, you better just hot glue them back on.” And I said, “You shouldn’t have instructions to tell me when they fall off. They should be falling off.”

 

[00:19:58] SASHEER: Also, for all that, you could have gotten a piece of wood and fake flowers from Michaels and just hot glued them on yourself.

 

[00:20:04] NICOLE: Fuck.

 

[00:20:06] SASHEER: I mean, yeah. It would’ve been cheaper if they’re gonna fall off anyway.

 

[00:20:14] NICOLE:  This is the worst day of my life. This is the worst day of my life. I can’t believe… I went and bought a hot glue gun. I was like, “I’m gonna have to fix my wall.” I bought a hot glue gun to fix my wall. And I could have just hot glued flowers to the thing myself. This is devastating, Sasheer. This is pretty upsetting.

 

[00:20:37] SASHEER: I’m sorry. But, you know, maybe they won’t fall. Maybe they won’t fall at all, and you won’t even need to use a hot glue gun.

 

[00:20:46] NICOLE: As I have assembled them, they’ve been falling off. And I’ve just been soldiering on, just carrying on and doing it. You saw flamingos the other day?

 

[00:20:58] SASHEER: I did. Yes. I went to the Cincinnati Zoo.

 

[00:21:01] NICOLE: And I’m really jealous.

 

[00:21:04] SASHEER: It was, like, little fanfare. It was actually pretty hard to find where the flamingos were. I rounded the corner, and I was like, “Oh, here they are.” And they’re just chilling. One of them had their legs up in a way that looked like he didn’t know how to tuck it under his body.

 

[00:21:20] NICOLE: Oh no!

 

[00:21:23] SASHEER: Like he was a fake flamingo. He’s like, “Yeah, we all do it like this, right?” It’s, like, kind of out to the side. And I was like, “What’s that one doing?” It was too tall, too.

 

[00:21:35] NICOLE: It was a stork. It was like, “Uh, yeah, I fucking belong here. Don’t worry about me. I’m a fucking flamingo.” That’s so funny. My friend Madeleine went to the San Diego Zoo, and she said that a man was showing the gorillas YouTube videos. And one of the gorillas made a seat–gathered things and made a seat to watch the YouTube videos. And then when the videos stopped, he would bang the floor to be like, “More videos.” And then I was like, “That’s cool.” She was like, “No. No. They’re, like, imprisoned. And then you bring them this thing, and then you take it away for however long.” I was like, “Oh, I see how that’s bad.” But if I was going to do that, I would show them videos of how to escape. I would go every day and show them the same videos on how to escape a zoo.

 

[00:22:36] SASHEER: Until they learn.

 

[00:22:38] NICOLE: Until they learn, and until San Diego is overrun by gorillas.

 

[00:22:46] SASHEER:  Yeah. We saw the gorilla exhibit in Cincinnati, and, like, it is strange how humanlike they are. I mean, they’re 98% human DNA.

 

[00:22:59] NICOLE: What? 98%? 2% is, like, hairy, hairy animal? That’s it? We’re 2% away from being hairy, hairy animals?

 

[00:23:12] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:23:13] NICOLE: Oh, my goodness. What does that even mean? I could fuck a gorilla? I mean not ethically. I know ethically I couldn’t. Like, I understand that, and I’m not trying to. And it’s not, like, anything I really want to do. But, like, could I?

 

[00:23:26] SASHEER: You got there so fast. It took you not even a full breath to get to, “Can I fuck it?”

 

[00:23:35] NICOLE: Because, like, they can learn sign language, so they can consent.

 

[00:23:48] SASHEER: Oh my God.

 

[00:23:49] NICOLE: I don’t want to, and I don’t think it’s right.

 

[00:23:56] SASHEER: I guess. I don’t know what their anatomy is like. I don’t know how similar it is to humans. But I guess you could.

 

[00:24:11] NICOLE: And then do you think my half gorilla, half human baby would skew more gorilla or more human? Do you think the 2% will come through? Will I have a little gorilla baby?

 

[00:24:29] SASHEER: Maybe it’ll just be, like, a hairy person with really rough palms.

 

[00:24:36] NICOLE: Can you look up if there’s any half gorilla people?

 

[00:24:40] JORDAN: I’m so scared of what the company is going to think of my Google. I’m going to go incognito. Give me a sec.

 

[00:24:48] SASHEER: Oh my God.

 

[00:24:50] NICOLE: I interrupted you, Sasheer. You were telling me something about the gorillas.

 

[00:24:54] SASHEER: Oh, there was one that was standing. And its eyes were darting around. And it just looked very humanlike. It was kind of like, “What are you looking at?” And I was like, “I guess you. Sorry.” It just looked like they’re too aware of what’s happening. But maybe they’re not.

 

[00:25:17] NICOLE: But maybe they are. Maybe it was darting its eyes around, being like, “Who’s coming in here?”

 

[00:25:22] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:25:24] NICOLE: Or maybe they were trying to, like, escape.

 

[00:25:27] SASHEER: Oh, yeah. They’re eyeing the surroundings to see which is the best escape route. I don’t know.

 

[00:25:34] NICOLE: A monkey seems like such a treat of a pet. But then remember that lady who had her whole-ass face ripped off by a monkey?

 

[00:25:45] SASHEER: Ooh, yeah. I do. What kind of monkey was that? Was that an orangutan? Those are really strong. And those are actually closer to humans than gorillas.

 

[00:25:54] NICOLE: Interesting. Well, I think I would want a spider monkey because they’re cute and tiny. Oh my God. Imagine a little monkey riding Clyde around.

 

[00:26:06] SASHEER: That would be very cute. Yes.

 

[00:26:07] NICOLE: I want nothing more now.

 

[00:26:14] SASHEER: Jordan, did you find anything on half monkeys?

 

[00:26:17] JORDAN: So, yeah, and it’s kind of weird. The woman–it was a chimpanzee. A chimpanzee just like Judith said. I don’t know the full… There’s a realm of monkeys. And I believe that chimpanzees are the closest to humans. So, in 2019, unconfirmed reports surfaced that a team of researchers led by a professor–I’m not going to say their name–from the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in the US successfully produced the first human-monkey chimera. The professor and others had previously produced pig and sheep embryos containing a small percentage of human cells. As with those embryos, the human-monkey chimeras were reportedly only allowed to develop for a few weeks, although the development was stopped prior to the formation of the nervous system or organs, avoiding a more severe ethical concerns, the research was reportedly carried out in China to avoid legal issues. Like, what? Due to the much larger evolutionary distance between humans and monkeys versus humans and chimpanzees, it is considered unlikely that true human monkey hybrids could be brought to term. However, it is feasible that human compatible organs for transplantation could be grown in these chimeras.

 

[00:28:02] SASHEER: Oh, interesting. I was wondering, like, “Why the hell did they do this?” But it was to create more organs for people who need it?

 

[00:28:11] JORDAN: I think so.

 

[00:28:12] NICOLE: And I think the ethical thing is, like… Well, what if it starts to, like, become a fully formed thing that’s like, “Hello. Was I built in a lab?” And then you’re like, “Give me your liver.”

 

[00:28:27] SASHEER: Oh my God.

 

[00:28:29] JORDAN: But if anyone wants to read more about these, there’s a wiki page called Humanzees. And there’s a bunch of articles. Even the paragraph above this one, saying that in the 1980s, there was reports of experiments in human-chimpanzee cross-breeding conducted in China in ’67.

 

[00:28:56] SASHEER: Damn, China lets anything go.

 

[00:28:58] NICOLE: Yeah. They say, “Come on over. Come on over, baby. You can do whatever you want.”

 

[00:29:02] SASHEER: “A chimpanzee female had been impregnated with human sperm. According to this account, the experiment was cut short by the Cultural Revolution, with the responsible scientist sent off to farm labor and the three-month pregnant chimpanzee dying from neglect.” Oh my God.

 

[00:29:20] NICOLE: Oh no!

 

[00:29:26] JORDAN: It just keeps sounding like they are doing it and then they’re like, “Oh, we’re scared. We got to stop this. We have to stop this production.”

 

[00:29:34] NICOLE: I mean, for good reasons. Does she consent? Does she sign that she wanted human sperm?

 

[00:29:42] SASHEER: Probably not.

 

[00:29:43] NICOLE: I don’t think you should shoot anybody up with any seed of a man without asking for consent first.

 

[00:29:51] JORDAN: Also, who was this man who was like, “Yeah, I’ll give the sperm for a female chimp”?

 

[00:29:54] NICOLE: Yeah, who’s that guy?

 

[00:29:59] SASHEER: Yeah. I’ll have a half-chimp/half-human baby. Well, there’s that one doctor who impregnated a whole town of women who were trying to get pregnant. Was it called The Father or something? There’s, like, a documentary about it.

 

[00:30:13] NICOLE: There is also an OB-GYN–I think that’s what they’re called when they deliver babies–who, when he stitched women up for a C-section, would carve his initials on their stomachs.

 

[00:30:24] SASHEER: Ew.

 

[00:30:25] NICOLE: Isn’t that fucking sick?

 

[00:30:25] SASHEER: That’s awful.

 

[00:30:28] NICOLE: Yeah. Wild. But then also, does that mean everybody in that town looked alike?

 

[00:30:34] SASHEER: Like, the scar, or–?

 

[00:30:35] NICOLE: No. No. So sorry. I jumped back to that doctor who’s impregnating everybody.

 

[00:30:42] SASHEER: Oh, Dr. Donald Cline.

 

[00:30:44] NICOLE: Ooh. Thank you, Judith, you’re fast on this. You have everything. Dr. Donald Cline. Was he good-looking?

 

[00:30:53] SASHEER: Probably not. And I guess everyone is probably just a little similar.

 

[00:31:01] NICOLE: Uch, he’s not cute at all. I would be so mad if my baby came out looking like this egghead motherfucker. He’s nasty. He looks like Santa Claus. I hate him. So weird. And why do you think he did this? Because women couldn’t get pregnant and–?

 

[00:31:19] SASHEER: Well, they weren’t getting pregnant. And so, they came to get, I guess, just other sperm. They didn’t think it was his sperm.

 

[00:31:29] NICOLE: Oh. What a fucking weirdo. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

 

[00:31:38] SASHEER: Yuck, yuck, yuck!

 

[00:31:55] NICOLE: Should we take a quiz, or should we help people?

 

[00:32:00] SASHEER: Maybe help people.

 

[00:32:02] NICOLE: Let’s help some people out in the world who need a little help and guidance. Okay. Now, where’s your verse, Sasheer?

 

[00:32:20] SASHEER: Oh. Helping people, the people need help, so let’s help the people with help.

 

[00:32:27] NICOLE: That was good. I liked it. The repetition of help was helpful.

 

[00:32:33] SASHEER: I just really wanted to drive home the help.

 

[00:32:37] NICOLE: Oh my God. Summer is here in LA. Let me tell you, before we help people, the children are playing. I hear them splashing in the pool and screaming. Keep your fun to your fucking selves.

 

[00:32:52] SASHEER: You sound jealous. You can splash around if you want to.

 

[00:32:57] NICOLE: Oh my God. And be happy like them? Yeah, right. Maybe I am jealous. Jealous that children have such a freedom and no responsibility and not a care in the world. They just have to go to school, come home, watch TV… I don’t know. What do children do?

 

[00:33:17] SASHEER: That kind of stuff. Yeah.

 

[00:33:19] NICOLE: Did I tell you one of the last interactions I had with, like, a teen? I was like, “Hi, how are you?” And they’re like, “Good.” I was like, “So what do you, like, go to school?” And all of the other adults were like, “Nicole.”

 

[00:33:32] SASHEER: “Of course they go to school.”

 

[00:33:34] NICOLE: “Yeah, that kid goes to school. What’s wrong with you?” I don’t know. The teens are scary.

 

[00:33:42] JORDAN: Do you still want to have a child with a chimp?

 

[00:33:46] NICOLE: I mean– No. Don’t do that, Jordan. I’ve never said that. I never said that. I never said I wanted to have a monkey baby. I was just asking if you could. I don’t want it. I don’t want a monkey baby.

 

[00:33:58] SASHEER: It really seemed like you wanted it.

 

[00:33:59] NICOLE:  I don’t want a monkey baby. No. If I were to have a child, I would have a human child. I don’t want a monkey baby. I wouldn’t know how to raise a monkey baby. I don’t know how to climb a tree. I don’t like bananas. I couldn’t. We would have nothing in common.

 

[00:34:19] SASHEER: Jordan, did you find information on how Nicole can have a monkey baby? Her dream.

 

[00:34:26] NICOLE: It’s not my dream. I don’t want it. You are putting words in my mouth.

 

[00:34:32] JORDAN:  I like the reasons. You can’t climb a tree, and you don’t like bananas.

 

[00:34:38] SASHEER: Yeah, those are the only reasons why.

 

[00:34:39] NICOLE: Imagine your monkey baby is like, “Come on, mama. Let’s get in this tree.” And I’m like, “I can’t. I don’t climb trees.” And they’re like, “Mama, can you have bananas with me?” And I’m like, “I don’t fucking like bananas, little monkey baby.” And the monkey baby would be so sad. And then I would name it “Monkey Baby.” And that’s not nice.

 

[00:34:59] SASHEER: You really don’t want to name it “Monkey Baby.” It really dehumanizes this child.

 

[00:35:04] NICOLE: Yeah, it’s not nice. And then do I, like, put Monkey Baby in clothes? Or does the hair cover? My dog doesn’t wear clothes.

 

[00:35:11] JORDAN: I mean, you did say in one episode that if you were to have a baby, you would have that baby in a full tux every day.

 

[00:35:19] NICOLE: Yes. Deuteronomy. I remember. And I just said to someone the other day–I was like, “I think all children should wear power suits to school so they can learn how to take up space.” And I kind of, like, really stand by it. I think it’s a really funny idea.

 

[00:35:33] SASHEER: That’s very funny.

 

[00:35:35] NICOLE: If they were to ever become a teacher, I would just have little power blazers for the kids to wear. And they could march around and be like, “I’m in charge of this classroom today.” And then I would teach them… I don’t know…

 

[00:35:45] SASHEER: How to lean in?

 

[00:35:51] NICOLE: Off-curriculum stuff.

 

[00:35:54] SASHEER: Off-book. Going rogue.

 

[00:35:57] NICOLE: Wait, did you read Lean In?

 

[00:36:01] SASHEER: I did not.

 

[00:36:03] NICOLE: I had never heard of it.

 

[00:36:05] SASHEER: Also, I don’t think the book is called Lean In. I think it’s called something else and that Lean In is a part of it, right? Or is the book called Lean In? I don’t know.

 

[00:36:14] NICOLE: I don’t know either. But you’re supposed to, like, lean in to talk or something, right?

 

[00:36:18] SASHEER: I think, yeah. I don’t know if you have to physically lean in. But I think the intention of leaning in–taking up space or, like, putting your energy forward–as opposed to receding inward.

 

[00:36:36] NICOLE: You lean in and go, “I have something to say!” Everyone’s like, “Aw, here we go again.”

 

[00:36:40] SASHEER: “Aw, she’s leaning in.”

 

[00:36:41] NICOLE: “So fucking annoying. She’s leaning in.”

 

[00:36:43] SASHEER: “In my face.”

 

[00:36:49] JORDAN: Since this conversation is already interesting, do we want to do the “Is this weird?” questions?

 

[00:36:59] SASHEER: Wait, Jordan, I need to hear what you found. Did you find something on chimpanzees and babies?

 

[00:37:03] JORDAN: No, just from that wiki. That’s the only information I could.

 

[00:37:08] SASHEER: I thought you had more information on how Nicole would like to have a baby.

 

[00:37:12] NICOLE: Listen, I do not want a monkey baby! I don’t. I don’t. It was just a hypothetical. Like, what if? Could you? I don’t want a monkey baby.

 

[00:37:23] JORDAN: You are not the only person who has had that question before.

 

[00:37:29] NICOLE: I wonder if there’s anyone in a relationship with a monkey right now. Who, like, goes to the zoo and they’re like, “Hey, Charles”?

 

[00:37:38] SASHEER: Probably.

 

[00:37:39] NICOLE: Because there was a lady–I think she was married to the Empire State Building. There are people who’ve been married to inanimate objects, which is really interesting to me because I love doors, but I don’t think I’d marry one.

 

[00:37:55] SASHEER: Yeah. You wouldn’t want it to be like… It would be hard.

 

[00:38:02] NICOLE: A door can’t cook me dinner.

 

[00:38:05] SASHEER: And then, like, you’re going to get jealous when other people are handling it.

 

[00:38:09] NICOLE: Oh, I couldn’t imagine. Oh my God. No thank you. Do you write things down in your Notes app?

 

[00:38:20] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:38:22] NICOLE: So do I. And I was going through it because I have so many notes that I’m like, “Oh, I wrote this down ten years ago and never looked at it again.” So, I was cleaning it up. And then I found an address, and all it says is “big fruit.” So, I don’t know if it’s big fruit to eat or just, like, a display of big fruit that I got excited about. And I wanted to go back and see the big fruit. I think I have to go to that address and see what the big fruit is about.

 

[00:38:52] SASHEER: That’s a fun mystery. I want to guess that maybe there was furniture that looked like fruit.

 

[00:39:03] NICOLE: Maybe.

 

[00:39:04] SASHEER: But maybe there was big fruit to eat.

 

[00:39:06] NICOLE: I think it’s probably furniture or, like, a fruit statue or something. I have to see it.

 

[00:39:15] SASHEER:  Let’s do this “Is it weird?” segment.

 

[00:39:19] NICOLE: Hell yeah, dude.

 

[00:39:22] SASHEER: How do we describe this? People write in–

 

[00:39:27] NICOLE: People write in.

 

[00:39:27] SASHEER: Are you just saying what I was saying?

 

[00:39:33] NICOLE: Yeah. Is that weird?

 

[00:39:36] SASHEER: Like, they do a thing, and they want to know is it weird that they do the thing or is it common. Okay. This person wrote in and said, “Hi there my name is a name.” I won’t say their name. “And I’m from New Zealand. I’m not sure that changes anything.”

 

[00:39:52] NICOLE: You should probably read this in a New Zealand accent.

 

[00:39:54] SASHEER: I don’t know. I couldn’t even know how to do that. Do you?

 

[00:39:59] NICOLE: I don’t think so. “One weird thing I do is I run every day in my house, not on a treadmill.” Wait, this is very funny. You read it normally.

 

[00:40:16] SASHEER: “One weird thing that I do is that I run every day in my house, not on a treadmill. I run back and forth in my apartment, which is not very large. I run 5 to 7 kilometers, roughly 3 to 4 miles a day. And then every Wednesday, I run ten kilometers, six miles. Whenever I bring this up to other people, they look at me like I’m insane.”

 

[00:40:35] NICOLE: “It brings me a lot of joy. I’ll light a candle, make myself coffee, put on the TV–that’s how I watch a lot of TV. It makes me feel productive, happy, and healthy. Last year I ran a charity run and raised almost $1,000. People asked me if I would ever run outside, and I say no. That’s where people are. I love not being watched but still being active and fit.” This is weird but also not weird because I used to do that. When I lived in New York, I had a long hallway. And I was like, “I don’t want to go to Planet Fitness anymore. I hate Planet Fitness. They’re stealing my money.” So, I started running up and down my hallway, like, 15 times, and I lost a little bit of weight. And it was, like, fun. And then I had a little exercise ball, and I would just, like, do little sit ups on that. And then my roommate was like, “This is weird, but also this is you.” I don’t think that’s weird.

 

[00:41:29] SASHEER: Yeah, I don’t like… If I can exercise in my home, I’d rather do that. I definitely don’t want to run outside.

 

[00:41:37] NICOLE: No. There are people and, like, cracks.

 

[00:41:42] SASHEER: Yeah, I actually do know people who have seriously hurt themselves from running outside because they tripped on something and then they, like, landed on their arm or something like that.

 

[00:41:50] NICOLE: Not me.

 

[00:41:52] SASHEER: And I guess you could do that in your house, too.

 

[00:41:55] NICOLE: No, you know where everything is.

 

[00:41:58] SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess, like, why would that be any different from any other in-home workout? But it is interesting to visualize a person running in their home, especially if it’s a small apartment.

 

[00:42:12] NICOLE: I want to know if they wear shoes.

 

[00:42:14] SASHEER:  Yeah. Are you barefoot or do you put your sneakers on?

 

[00:42:17] NICOLE: Yeah. Do you put on sneakers? I don’t like the gym. It’s not fun. So, I Googled “fat people workouts,” and I found… I think he’s Australian. Or he’s English. And he’s like, “You can do it! You take a break if you need it! This is the start of your new life! You’re doing it! You can pause if you want, but you just have to finish with us!” And there’s always a fat behind him. So, I try to keep up with the fat, and that makes me feel good. And then in between each exercise, we have to march. So, it’s kind of like walking in my house, but it’s keeping your heart rate up or something. I don’t fucking know. So, I don’t think that’s weird.

 

[00:42:55] SASHEER: Yeah, I don’t think that’s too weird. I haven’t heard of it before. But it’s fine.

 

[00:42:58] NICOLE: I think it’d be weird if they were doing, like, full marathons.

 

[00:43:06] SASHEER: Well, they did say they did a charity run recently. How do they even know if you’re in your house by yourself?

 

[00:43:15] NICOLE: That’s pretty funny. You’re just like, “I’m running!” And you’re just moving your arms, pretending to be running.

 

[00:43:21] SASHEER: Yeah. I guess I also just don’t know how charity runs work. If you can just say, “I ran that much,” then it’s fine.

 

[00:43:30] NICOLE: Yeah. I don’t know. But is a charity run, like, a marathon? 26.29 miles?

 

[00:43:37] SASHEER: I think sometimes it can be.

 

[00:43:40] NICOLE: Oh, well, how long will that take? How long does it take to run a marathon?

 

[00:43:46] SASHEER: Hours.

 

[00:43:49] NICOLE: Uch. Running for hours just seems really… What’s it called? Mean.

 

[00:43:56] SASHEER: Torturous.

 

[00:43:57] NICOLE: Yeah.

 

[00:43:58] SASHEER: Yeah. But people get a kick out of it.

 

[00:44:04] NICOLE: I guess so. Just a little kick.

 

[00:44:08] SASHEER: Let’s do another one.

 

[00:44:09] NICOLE: Hell yeah, dude.

 

[00:44:11] SASHEER: Let’s get weird.

 

[00:44:12] NICOLE: Yeah, let’s get fucking weird, dude.

 

[00:44:15] SASHEER: What did you eat or drink? What did you do offscreen? What did you do? What did you do? Nicole?

 

[00:44:22] NICOLE: I was sipping. I was sipping! Okay, so I have my little water thing. And I have a liquid IV in it because I drank last night. And then I also have a little bit of coffee for… I don’t know. Coffee is good. But if I really like these liquid IVs. They really bring me back to life. Like that song. “Bring me to life!” Okay. “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. My friends from NYC make fun of the way I pronounce ‘elementary.’ I’m from NY and pronounce it ‘elementeary.’” Wait, what?

 

[00:45:12] SASHEER: Tear? Tear. Teary. “Elementeary.”

 

[00:45:21] NICOLE: “And then they say ‘elementry.’” Oh, okay. “I’m not the weird one, right?”

 

[00:45:30] SASHEER: I guess they are saying all the letters. “Elementry.” You, like, remove the A. But there is an A there. Elementary.

 

[00:45:43] NICOLE: I went to elementary school. Elementary. Elementary. Abbott Elementary. No. “Elementary” is weird.

 

[00:46:01] SASHEER:  It’s, like, hard to say. Wait. Judith. Jordan. How do you guys say “elementary?”

 

[00:46:12] JORDAN: Elementry.

 

[00:46:14] SASHEER: Yeah. I think it’s “elementry.”

 

[00:46:16] JORDAN: This is how Google says it should be pronounced.

 

[00:46:23] GOOGLE: Elementary.

 

[00:46:24] NICOLE: Oh. So, our friend is indeed correct, and we are all the fucking weirdos.

 

[00:46:34] SASHEER: Well, the English language is so messy because we’ll just, like, get lazy and be like, “It’s this,” even though it doesn’t make sense. We drop letters, add sounds, and it’s not easy.

 

[00:46:52] NICOLE: It’s not easy. I would not want to be a second language English speaker. Uh oh. You know what I mean. It’s hard talking.

 

[00:47:09] SASHEER: It’s hard talking. Yes, I agree. It’s hard.

 

[00:47:15] NICOLE: You ever get so tired that, like, you don’t form good words?

 

[00:47:19] SASHEER: Yeah, absolutely. I’m amazed that I was able to do that at all in this episode.

 

[00:47:24] NICOLE: You did good except when you asked me if I painted my ceiling the outside of a watermelon. That’s the wildest that you’ve ever asked in your whole life.

 

[00:47:34] SASHEER: You got so mad.

 

[00:47:38] NICOLE: Oh, we have finished the episode. And guess what? We have an email. nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. You can leave a voicemail, a voice memo, or a text at 424-645-7003.

 

[00:47:55] SASHEER: We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

 

[00:48:01] NICOLE: And if you’re going to read, we got words for you. Transcripts of our new episodes–check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

 

[00:48:13] SASHEER: Lastly, we have instructions for you. Don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support this show.

 

[00:48:22] NICOLE: Signing off from Los Angeles and Atlanta.

 

[00:48:28] SASHEER: Bye-bye.

 

[00:48:29] NICOLE: Bye!