EP. 188 — Nicole Is Finally Getting Her Garfield Inspired Nails

Nicole [00:00:11] Well, the sun is shining. It’s a new day.

Sasheer [00:00:17] Well, the sun is shining.

Nicole [00:00:19] A new episode of Best Friends.

Sasheer [00:00:22] Birds are chirping.

Nicole [00:00:24] The wind is blowing leavatures.

Sasheer [00:00:27] “Leavatures?”

Nicole [00:00:27] I don’t know. I was trying to say something funner than “leaves.” More fun? Funner?

Sasheer [00:00:34] “Foliage.”

Nicole [00:00:35] “Foliage.” The foliage is quaking with the wind. That was pretty good.

Sasheer [00:00:47] I probably talked about this before, but when I did mushrooms the first time, the trees that were in McCarren Park were fully cartoons. And they were, like, moving towards me, but I wasn’t scared. I was like, “That’s who you are.” And kind of still to this day, when I see trees, I’m like, “I know your real deal. I know you look like this right now.”

Nicole [00:01:18] That’s so funny.

Sasheer [00:01:20] “But I’ve seen who you really are.”

Nicole [00:01:23] I haven’t seen any, like, cartoon things. But I ate a bunch of mushrooms, and then I didn’t feel anything. And I went to sleep because they were old. And I was like, “I might as well just eat them. Whatever. I’ll be in tonight. And I’ll, like, watch TV.” And I watched TV for a little bit. They didn’t kick in, and I went to sleep. Then I woke up and I was like, “This apartment is sparkly.” Everything was really sparkly. I wish I had seen, like, cartoony things. I’ve never really hallucinated or anything.

Sasheer [00:01:57] Yeah, well, the first time I did it, I did it with someone who, I don’t think, remembered how to teach someone to do it. They had been doing this for years, and they’re like, “Let’s drink tea.” And so, we drank tea and then ate what was at the bottom of the tea, which was, like, a step that was not needed for me. And so, I was gone. And that was the day you saw me and my friends in the park.

Nicole [00:02:22] Oh, yes. And everyone was convinced that I too was on mushrooms. People think I’m drunk or high all the time. And I’m not!

Sasheer [00:02:34] Yeah, but you really were on the same level as us. It was kind of wild.

Nicole [00:02:41] At one point, someone was like, “Look. A duck parade.” And there was, like, two ducks. And I was like, “It is a duck parade!”

Sasheer [00:02:45] Oh, the dog.

Nicole [00:02:46] Oh, a dog parade. Yeah.

Sasheer [00:02:48] Which was just a person walking dogs.

Nicole [00:02:50] Yes. And I loved it, too. It’s funny ’cause I do like mushrooms, and I do like drugs, but I’m also having a great time just, like, fully sober.

Sasheer [00:03:05] ‘Cause you unfiltered is like you’re already on one.

Nicole [00:03:08] I was in the car the other day, and my friend was, like, saying something to me. We were having a conversation about something I said incorrect and didn’t understand or something. And they were correcting me. And I was looking out the window, and I went, “I can’t wait.” And they were like, “What? This has nothing to do with what we’re saying.” And I didn’t know how to be like, “I know. I was listening, but I saw a billboard for that Megan movie. And I can’t wait to see it.” And my inside thought, “We’ll say it outside.” And then I was like, “Oh God, how do I…?” And then I was just like, “No, it made sense.” And I tried to, like, shoehorn it to make it make sense of what they said, and it surely didn’t. And I waited two whole days to be like, “Here’s what happened. I’m really sorry. I had a real inside thought, and I said it out loud.”

Sasheer [00:04:03] You can say what’s going on. Your friends know well enough to know that your brain is bouncing sometimes. You don’t have to hold it in.

Nicole [00:04:12] I was surprised by that Megan poster. And I truly heard every word they were saying, and I just said, “I can’t wait.”

Sasheer [00:04:22] That is really, really funny. And then every time something like that happens, it’s also shocking to me because I didn’t mean to say it out loud. You’re like, “It’s just here now. I don’t know.”

Nicole [00:04:38] “Sorry.” The whole way to my house, they were really trying to figure out why I said that. And I don’t know why I didn’t just say… I think I was really trying to be like, “No, I was in the conversation! I didn’t leave it! I was concentrating!

Sasheer [00:04:57] Oh, boy. That’s very, very funny.

Nicole [00:05:00] It’s tough. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish my brain worked the way other people’s brains do. But then I’m like, “That’s why you’re special, you dummy.”

Sasheer [00:05:14] Yeah, that’s true! Absolutely. I remember when we used to do improv with Keesha, I felt like each of our brains helped us perform the way we performed. I always thought in the future, so I was figuring out how to end the scenes or, like, how to end the whole show. How to wrap everything up–call back things that we had done earlier to end what we were doing. Keesha worked in the past. And so, she was thinking about, like, “Where were we just two seconds ago? Where were we ten minutes ago?” Like, and figure out how to work those things into what we’re doing currently. You always worked in the present, which is great and necessary because you were creating new things for us to mold into a story. So, it’s like you have to have someone in the present, who isn’t concerned about where we’re going or where we were, in order to, like, create what’s happening right now.

Nicole [00:06:13] Wow. That’s a very nice compliment. Yeah, when we did shows, it was always so fun because if I did a callback, great. If I helped end the show, all right. But there was no pressure to do any of that, where it’s like when you were on Harold Night–the house teams at UCB–you have to, like, kind of be an everyman in a sense. But our shows were fun because I wouldn’t put pressure on myself to call anything back, but, like, I knew what was being called back. Do you know what I mean? Or like, if you were going for something to end it, I knew what you were doing. Those were the good old days.

Sasheer [00:06:59] Those were the days.

Nicole [00:07:00] I was doing an improv show last night, and–it was so wild–I had a move in my head. It was a pattern that someone was swimming, they wanted to meet dolphins, but they were scared of the ocean. So, then all the bad sea creatures kept coming over. And I, like, had a move in mind to be a bad sea creature. And then as soon as I opened my mouth, I did a completely different thing. And it was, like, funny, but I really surprised myself and was like, “Oh! When did this happen in my brain?” My brain is moving so much faster than– Or my body? I don’t know. Nothing’s in sync.

Sasheer [00:07:37] But that’s okay. And that’s what creates surprises, which is nice.

Nicole [00:07:40] But when you’re surprised by yourself, it’s crazy.

Sasheer [00:07:44] I would imagine, yeah. I don’t know if I’ve ever been surprised by myself.

Nicole [00:07:47] Really? It happens all the time. On stage–in standup, sometimes I’ll be saying things I’ve said 100 times, and then something else will come out of my mouth. ‘Cause people are always like, “Why do you laugh at yourself so much on stage?” I’m like, “Oh, because I’m constantly saying stuff I’ve never said before in the moment.” It’s like, “Ooh!”

Sasheer [00:08:06] That is nice, though. You’ll never get in a rut.

Nicole [00:08:10] No, sure won’t. And then sometimes sentences fall out of my mouth bad.

Sasheer [00:08:20] Like, uh… Wait, what did you just say earlier? The. The leafage? The leavature?

Nicole [00:08:27] Yeah, I think I said “leafage,” which is like “Friend. What are you trying to say?” Oh boy. Life is fun.

Sasheer [00:08:36] Life is fun!

Nicole [00:08:38] You’ve been in my office, right? Have you been in my office since I hung up my $500 pig painting from the streets of New Orleans?

Sasheer [00:08:46] I don’t think I have. Well, let me see that painting. Ooh. In the middle, prominently displayed. That painting is so funny. I’m so glad you still have it.

Nicole [00:09:02] It is the most expensive piece of art I have in my house. And there’s glitter on it. It makes me laugh every time I see it.

Sasheer [00:09:16] I remember you saying that the person who sold it to you was also surprised that you were down to buy it.

Nicole [00:09:23] Yes. She said a number and I said, “Sick.” And I think she was like, “Wait. What? What? What?” She’s like, “I’ll ship it to you.” Then Mateo’s like, “She’s never made a sale!”

Sasheer [00:09:34] She’s like, “I can’t believe someone actually fell for it.”

Nicole [00:09:37] Mateo–I feel like most of our hangouts is a lot of me doing something and him going, “Nicole!” Oh, golly, I love him.

Sasheer [00:09:46] I love him.

Nicole [00:09:50] I’m so lucky. I love all of my friends.

Sasheer [00:09:55] Me, too.

Nicole [00:09:57] It sounds so dumb to say out loud, but, like, some people don’t love all their friends.

Sasheer [00:10:03] I know. Yeah. It does seem strange because obviously, I love my friends. But some people hang out with people they don’t actually like.

Nicole [00:10:13] Yes! Because they’re like, “Well, it’s better to hang out with someone than no one.” But I’m sometimes wheezing and, like, gasping for breath at dinner with, like, just you–you, me, and Mateo–or, like, Christie. Boy, oh, boy. I think about that sometimes, and I’m just so grateful and thankful that, like, everybody in my life is so much fun.

Sasheer [00:10:43] Yeah, I am super grateful. Yeah. I have top tier friends.

Nicole [00:10:47] Truly. The toppity-top of the tiers.

Sasheer [00:10:53] “The toppity-toppity.”

Nicole [00:10:55] Again, that fell out of my mouth real weird. So Grand Crew is wrapping up, so I can now change the color of my nails. Should I do nail art? Should I do, like, a color? What should I do?

Sasheer [00:11:20] Nail art.

Nicole [00:11:20] Okay. I’ve got a bunch saved on Instagram. Oh boy. I’m so excited.

Sasheer [00:11:24] I think you should maybe do Garfield.

Nicole [00:11:29] I think I’m going to get a tattoo of Garfield because I am a lasagna hound, okay? I asked Lyndsey, my lovely new assistant, who I love– She’s not new anymore. I think I’ve had her for almost a year. But she is truly so good at everything. And, like, things get done in such a timely– She’s wonderful. But on Fridays, I go, “At 6 p.m., will you get me lasagna from Little Dom’s?” And I was like, “Is this the weirdest part of your job–that you just have to go get me lasagna?” And then I can’t remember what she said, but it wasn’t like, “Yes.” But it kind of was like, “Yes.”

Sasheer [00:12:11] She’s like, “Well, that’s the job!”

Nicole [00:12:14] “I gotta go get her lasagna!” But oh, baby, is it nice.

Sasheer [00:12:19] But at least it’s that and not you being a monster or, like, throwing your cell phone at her.

Nicole [00:12:29] Oh God.

Sasheer [00:12:30] You know, some people have, like, horror stories of people they’ve worked for.

Nicole [00:12:34] I hope I’m not a horrible boss.

Sasheer [00:12:37] I can’t imagine.

Nicole [00:12:38] I do spend a lot of time being like, “Should I just do it myself or should I ask her to do it? Well, I don’t want to do this.” And it’s a whole internal struggle because I’m like, “I could just do this myself.”

Sasheer [00:12:50] There was a TikTok question, and people were like, “What’s the worst celebrity encounter you’ve had?”

Nicole [00:12:56] J.Lo?

Sasheer [00:12:57] Yes! There were so many J.Lo responses.

Nicole [00:13:00] My favorite one was Ben apparently tips very well. And as soon as he leaves, she goes, “How much did he give you? Give some of it back.”

Sasheer [00:13:10] Yes! She’ll take it back, and then give him, like, a ten.

Nicole [00:13:13] And then there was another one where she was lying face down on the bed and asked for a pedicure. I was gasping for air. I was like, “Wait, what? You can’t even roll over to get a pedicure?” Oh, and then the drivers can’t look her in the eye. You can’t even use the rearview mirror because that’s trying to look at her. And that made me tee-hee-hee. Nobody’s trying to get to J.Lo. You not interesting. No thank you. But I will be in a movie with you if you would like it. And I will find you very interesting then. But don’t worry, I won’t look at you.

Sasheer [00:13:47] That sucks.

Nicole [00:13:48] It does suck.

Sasheer [00:13:49] I mean, I guess this wouldn’t happen to me because I feel this way. But I would be mortified if a number of people came out and were like, “She was awful!”

Nicole [00:13:58] Yeah, it wouldn’t feel good. Oh, there was a comment that said, “Maybe the service workers didn’t earn their tip.” And I was like, “What?” I was like, “We pay taxes, and the government doesn’t even take care of people. We have mutual aid and whatnot. I think if you give a ton of money, that’s essentially mutual aid if you give huge tips.” Do you know what I mean?

Sasheer [00:14:17] Yeah. They don’t need to go above and beyond to get a tip. They can just be someone who’s doing their job, and they don’t get paid that well.

Nicole [00:14:27] That’s the way we set up the system–that they don’t get paid well, and they live on tips. Wow.

Sasheer [00:14:33] Wow.

Nicole [00:14:34] I will say this. I went to a restaurant, and the server was giving me a lot of attitude, a lot of judginess. I still tipped well, but my friend ordered an artichoke. I was with Michael, and Michael ordered artichoke. An artichoke something? An artichoke. I don’t know. And he was like, “Does anyone else want an appetizer?” And I was like, “Rice balls because I don’t know how to eat an artichoke.” And the way the server looked at me was judging me because I said I didn’t know how to eat an artichoke, which confirmed I’ll never order an artichoke because I don’t know how to eat it. And then I found out how you eat it. And it’s a lot of work. For a vegetable? Get real.

Sasheer [00:15:17] Don’t you have to, like, scrape it with your teeth or something?

Nicole [00:15:18] Yes! I have to scrape this vegetable with my teeth? With my pearly whites that I have had fixed constantly through the year 2022?

Sasheer [00:15:28] Yeah. You spend too much money on these teeth to be scraping things like that.

Nicole [00:15:32] Too much money. I maxed out my insurance. But now I can chew on that side again, which is really just nice.

Sasheer [00:15:43] It is very nice. Yeah.

Nicole [00:15:44] Yeah. You know, it was a little bit of fear. A little bit of it hurts. I famously chipped my tooth eating a french fry.

Sasheer [00:15:52] Yes. Famously.

Nicole [00:15:56] And then he, like, judged me again on, like, my order. He was just like, “Okay, girl.” And I was like, “Yeah, girl, I’m going to eat that.” And then he kind of judged my dessert choice. So rude, so rude. Anyway, that was at my favorite restaurant in New York–Toast on 125th. Go there. Keep them in business because every time I come to the city, I have to go there. Anywho, this was years and years and years and years ago–I was on Atkins, that diet where you eat, like, butter in your coffee. Did you know that, Sasheer?

Sasheer [00:16:34] No. That’s part of the diet?

Nicole [00:16:36] Instead of using fucking milk they say, “Take a slab of butter and slip it in your coffee!”

Sasheer [00:16:42] That seems wrong. That seems worse.

Nicole [00:16:44] They said, “Get that butter out! Churn it.” I ordered grilled chicken with cheddar cheese and bacon on top. And he was like, “Do you want, like, salad with that?” And I was like, “No, thank you.” And he was like, “Huh. Guess I’m going to have to call the ambulance when you’re done.” And I was like… And he was like, “I mean, it’s not a great meal.”

Sasheer [00:17:12] Oh boy.

Nicole [00:17:13] And it hurt my feelings to this day. I remember exactly what he looked like. If you put him in a lineup, I would say, “That’s him. That is that tall, gangly man with an ornery face and hateful, hateful stuff coming out of his mouth.”

Sasheer [00:17:29] I mean, that’s not nice at all.

Nicole [00:17:30] No.

Jordan [00:17:31] In those moments, would either of you–like, if you had to go back in time–would you have, like, done something different or said something different to them? I feel like there’s another story you shared of another restaurant incident. I’ve had comments like that being said and you just are taken aback, and you don’t know what to do. But I feel like if I went back in time–

Nicole [00:17:57] Yeah. If I could go back in time, I would be like, “Hey! That’s not a nice thing to say to a fat person. Also, I will get fatter. I’m on the wrong path!”

Sasheer [00:18:08] “I’m on the wrong path. There’s nothing you do about it! You can’t stop this train!”

Nicole [00:18:13] “You can’t save me!” Because I was way thinner then. And it’s funny being, like, fat shamed now and fat shamed when I was thinner because I look at pictures and I was like, “Oh… Eh, you could have been nicer to me. I was just a little chubby. Come on.” But yeah, it’s interesting. People think they can say anything to people who are others–like, fat, in a wheelchair, or… Like, I wonder why somebody thinks it’s okay to say things. You know how, like, short people, little people–people like to pick them up? Like, I had a friend named Katie in college who was, like, 4′ 11″, maybe 4′ 10”. Super, super tiny. And people would just pick her up all the time. And I finally was like, “Do you hate that?” She’s like, “I hate it more than anything.” And I was like, “Oh, shit.”

Sasheer [00:19:06] Maybe it’s, like, unfamiliarity. Like, when people see Black women’s hair, and they’ve never met a black woman or been that close to a black woman, they want to touch the hair. It’s because they are unfamiliar with us as a person and our hair texture. I guess it’s the same thing if they haven’t been around someone that short, they’re like, “Oh, so cute. I can’t resist. I gotta pick them up.” And they’re not thinking about the human, who is there and being like… They probably wouldn’t want to be picked up. Or, like, someone who’s overweight, or whatever, and they’re like… I don’t know, maybe they don’t have anyone in their life like that.

Nicole [00:19:48] Well, with fat people, I truly think it is some people’s worst nightmare. The worst thing that can happen to you is getting fat. So, then you are, like, projecting this… Like, you’re like, “Uch. I would hate being that fat. So, I’m going to say something to this fat person so maybe they can, like, save themselves from this nasty thing that I don’t want to happen to me.” That’s what I think with fat people. I do think you’re right with Black women’s hair and short people–that they’re just like, “Ooh. Ooh! This is a thing I haven’t interacted with.”

Jordan [00:20:23] As a white woman, I will never understand why people go up to Black women and assume they can touch them and/or touch their hair.

Sasheer [00:20:34] Yeah.

Jordan [00:20:34] I was never taught that. I was always taught “You do not touch people.” Unless it’s consent.

Sasheer [00:20:40] Yeah. Just in general.

Jordan [00:20:40] But there’s never just a desire of me to be like, “Oh, that person has different hair. I’m going to go touch it.” No! Never.

Sasheer [00:20:46] It’s really strange.

Nicole [00:20:46] It is strange. And I’ve also had people touch my skin and then be like, “You’re so smooth!” And I’m like, “Okay. I am.” I am very smooth. It’s kind of wild.

Jordan [00:20:59] No, that is horrible. I’m sorry you both went through that. That’s bad.

Nicole [00:21:03] Thank you, Jordan. “That’s bad.”

Jordan [00:21:05] I felt like a toddler for a second.

Nicole [00:21:13] You guys heard it here first.

Sasheer [00:21:14] “It’s bad!” And thinking it’s unfamiliarity. And I guess it’s not really humanizing the person ’cause if you had a Black friend, or a short friend, or whatever, you’d be like, “Oh, my friend would hate that. So, I’m not going to do that.”

Nicole [00:21:30] It is funny. And I’ve dated some men who, like, are apprehensive about touching my hair. And I’m like, “Oh my God. You’ve been inside me. You can touch my hair. It’s absolutely fine.”

Sasheer [00:21:44] Yeah, they’re like, “I heard you guys don’t like that.”

Nicole [00:21:46] “You don’t like it, so I just won’t fucking do it.”

Sasheer [00:21:47] You’re like, “No, you can do it. You’re inside me.”

Nicole [00:21:54] Speaking of hair, I’m on a hair journey. It’s pretty long. Okay, so it’s, like, not done. That’s why it’s in a hat. But, like, look how long it’s gotten.

Sasheer [00:22:04] Damn. That is long. Yas, girl!

Nicole [00:22:07] It’s almost to my eyeball. But I found this, like, mousse. I wet my hair, I put the mousse in, and I use this, like– It’s called a Damon brush, or Damian, or Dahmer, or a Dahder. I don’t know, it begins with a “D” and ends with… a letter. And then I comb or brush the curls, and then it snaps back into, like, perfect spirals.

Sasheer [00:22:32] Oooh. Nice, nice, nice.

Nicole [00:22:34] But it does have, like, a heavy, wet look to it. But it looks really cute. And then I was like, “Oh my God. Is 2023 the year I wake up an hour or two earlier than I have to be to go somewhere–which is something I should do anyway–and, like, do my hair?” Like, do twist outs and stuff.

Sasheer [00:22:53] Is that how long it takes?

Nicole [00:22:55] No, but it takes me a while to get out of bed, I gotta get in the shower, I gotta pick out an ensemble, I gotta, you know, put on my makeup. It’s like a whole thing. And usually I just, like, throw on a wig. Well, this summer I want to figure out how to, like, do my natural hair because I don’t wear wigs in the summer. And I think 2023 1) is going to be my year, 2) is the year I learned how to do my hair, and 3) I don’t know… My brain really just stopped.

Sasheer [00:23:24] It’s okay. We don’t have to have a list of three. It could just be those two things.

Nicole [00:23:33] Oh no! What am I saying? Oh, I’m organizing my closet currently. You know my big shoe armoire?

Sasheer [00:23:46] Yes.

Nicole [00:23:47] That’s now a shirt armoire.

Sasheer [00:23:49] Okay. Next.

Nicole [00:23:50] I have all my T-shirts in there. And then where my T-shirts were in my closet is where my jeans are going. And where my jeans are going–I think I’m gonna put shorts and tank tops in there. Those will be like my little summ-summ clothes. I’m, like, pretty jazzed about this.

Sasheer [00:24:10] I’m excited for you.

Nicole [00:24:11] And then the room upstairs–the other room–it’s going to be a closet. And my friend Ian is making shelves for me currently. Ian, he’s on season two of Grand Crew. I think he’s in episode one, two, and three. He’s at the end of one, definitely two, and definitely three. Yeah, he’s so fucking funny. But he’s a woodworker. He’s a carpenter.

Sasheer [00:24:37] We love that.

Nicole [00:24:38] And he’s like, “Yeah, I can make you these shelves.” So, I’m really excited that, like, a friend is doing it and that it’s custom.

Sasheer [00:24:46] I’m excited for you.

Nicole [00:24:49] Lord, I love decorating myself so much.

Sasheer [00:24:54] Me too.

Nicole [00:24:54] Remember we were talking about art and how we didn’t understand it?

Sasheer [00:24:57] Yes.

Nicole [00:25:00] I was like, “I don’t want to buy just, like, mass produced art that you could just find in a store.” Cherish has some nice art stuff, and then you can just put the amount you want to spend. So, I put, I think, 400 or 200 as my max, and I found some really fucking cute pieces because I’m going to hang a bunch. So, I’m going to do gallery walls, where it’s a bunch of different pieces of art and, like, mismatched and stuff in that front room. Boy, I’m so excited.

Sasheer [00:25:36] Maybe I’ll do that because I have art that I’ve had in different apartments in my life. But I don’t want to hang it up in my house because I don’t think I feel emotionally attached to them anymore. And so, my walls just have been bare because I’ve been like, “I don’t want to hang these.” And then I just haven’t found a separate option.

Nicole [00:26:00] What you could do is they also have, like, periods–time periods, styles. And you can just, like, toggle the filters to get exactly what you want. So, Cherish. But a lot of the pieces are so much more expensive than $400. But I was like, yeah, if I’m doing a gallery wall, I’m cheap.

Sasheer [00:26:22] Yeah, for sure.

Nicole [00:26:23] “She’s a cheap girl at the heart of her.” And then also I have this painting that I don’t know what to do with. I cannot get rid of it. So, it hung over my parents’ bed. And it’s a man and a woman in a boat. And then the man’s on the side that my dad slept on, and then the woman’s on the side my mom slept on. And then after they went on their vacation up north, I was like, “Oh, my God. It just, like, really reminds me of my parents.” And I think it’s, like, really, really sweet. But I don’t want to hang it up because it might just make me sad.

Sasheer [00:27:01] It might. Or it might just remind you of your parents.

Nicole [00:27:07] Oh. Hmm.

Sasheer [00:27:07] Which can be a sad memory. Or it could be a nice memory. You don’t want to not think about them, right?

Nicole [00:27:14] You are right. Okay.

Jordan [00:27:17] How big is it?

Nicole [00:27:18] It’s huge.

Sasheer [00:27:20] But you can put it in a place that’s not, like, a place that you see all the time. Like, I was going to say, “guest bathroom,” but if that’s–

Nicole [00:27:29] Oh, it’s huge. Yeah. It can’t. Hmm. I’ll figure out something. I think it’s smart. I think I should put it up.

Sasheer [00:27:36] Yeah, I think so.

Nicole [00:27:37] Okay.

Sasheer [00:27:41] It might be nice!

Nicole [00:27:42] My mother liked to frame cards. My mother was, I would say, almost as ridiculous as me. I really take after her. So, I have that card that’s framed, and I’m like, “I gotta figure out a place to put that in my house, because it just makes me laugh.” My dad would be like, “Why? Why would you frame a card?”

Sasheer [00:28:07] Aww. And, like, was the card open so that you can see what the message was inside?

Nicole [00:28:13] No, she liked the front of it.

Sasheer [00:28:20] That’s very funny.

Nicole [00:28:20] Yeah. She was a very, very funny lady. Why am I having trouble remembering today? I think I gotta take my medicine.

Sasheer [00:28:37] Do you think that’s it?

Nicole [00:28:38] Probably.

Sasheer [00:28:39] Hey, it’s all right.

Nicole [00:28:40] It’s really helpful for me when I remember to take it. I kept forgetting to re-up my insurance. I think I’ve said this on the podcast, but I went to go pick up my ADHD medicine, and the… I almost said, “the politician.” What’s that man called back there?

Jordan [00:28:59] The pharmacist?

Nicole [00:29:00] Yes, the pharmacist. At least they both begin with “Ps,” but they certainly don’t sound alike. The… Oh, my God, I almost said it again. I almost said, “the politician.” The pharmacist from behind the counter was like, “Ugh, you don’t have insurance right now.” I was like, “Oh, fuck.” And it’s 200 fucking dollars without insurance for 30 fucking pills.

Sasheer [00:29:27] Wait. Why doesn’t it automatically renew?

Nicole [00:29:28] Because I wasn’t on auto pay, but now I’m on auto pay because I can’t be trusted to make the payments. He then giggled–just a true tee-hee-hee–and said, “Sorry. It’s just funny that you take this to remember stuff, but you couldn’t remember to do the thing that you’d need to get these to take them to remember stuff.” And I was like, “Really, really nice that you found humor in that.”

Sasheer [00:29:52] Yeah. “Glad you found joy.”

Nicole [00:29:54] But he always has it in stock for me. He’s really nice.

Sasheer [00:29:56] Oh, nice. Well, that’s good.

Nicole [00:29:57] Yeah. I’ve been going there for years. Years!

Sasheer [00:30:00] Oh, that’s good.

Nicole [00:30:06] Should we do a quiz or help people? What should we do?

Sasheer [00:30:10] We should help people?

Nicole [00:30:12] “Let’s help everybody in the world.”

Sasheer [00:30:21] That really got you. There was a few residual giggles there.

Nicole [00:30:29] Wait, Sasheer. When do we get tattoos?

Sasheer [00:30:31] When? You want to do it when you’re in Atlanta?

Nicole [00:30:36] Hell, yeah, dude.

Sasheer [00:30:37] Let’s find some cool Atlanta tattoo artist.

Nicole [00:30:39] Yeah, just tattoo Garfield to me. Or should I just tattoo “I love lasagna.”

Sasheer [00:30:47] All are good options… Or lasagna.

Nicole [00:30:50] Or should I tattoo, like, a piece of lasagna? But, okay, so John Milhiser drew this lasagna, and I haven’t gotten rid of it because I love it. It’s got my two favorite foods–nachos and lasagna. It doesn’t have mac and cheese. That’s the third. But if I got that, does it look enough like lasagna?

Sasheer [00:31:06] No, it could be anything. It could be, like, a pie or a candy bar. It’s hard to tell.

Jordan [00:31:15] It looks like tiramisu.

Nicole [00:31:16] Yeah.

Sasheer [00:31:18] Yeah, I think lasagna will be too hard to understand. Visually.

Nicole [00:31:22] Dang. I also wanted to, like, add to my butt. But I can’t really think of any more food punny things. So right now, there’s a hamburger and hot dog, and it says, “Stick it in these buns.” There’s a lollipop ice cream cone and a cupcake, and it says, “It’s sweet, just taste it.” And then a strawberry, a watermelon, and a banana, and it says, “Juicy.” And then there’s a lemon, and it says, “When life gives you lemons, suck a dick.” So, I’m, like… I want, like… Jordan, have you never heard these?

Jordan [00:32:01] I didn’t know the collection of all the butt tattoos. Now I do.

Nicole [00:32:05] Yeah. Also, I said so many words. All of it is on my butt. Like, that’s how big my butt is. I have multiple jokes on my butt.

Sasheer [00:32:20] Yeah, full phrases.

Nicole [00:32:22] It’s my greatest masterpiece. I think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever done. I want one more. But I’ve been toying with, like, pie. Something with pie. Or, like, stuffing. What’s like…? Like, “Stuff me.”

Sasheer [00:32:44] A turkey?

Nicole [00:32:45] Oh, a turkey! “Stuff me?”

Sasheer [00:32:47] “Get stuffed.”

Nicole [00:32:49] “Get stuffed.” That’s good. I’ll write that down.

Sasheer [00:32:55] Let’s see. What’s another one?

Nicole [00:32:59] But the only thing with turkey is… Oh I guess, yeah, it could be, like, a whole turkey. Okay. Turkey.

Sasheer [00:33:07] Like, a ham?

Nicole [00:33:09] A ham?

Sasheer [00:33:10] Like, honey glazed ham or…

Nicole [00:33:14] Hot ham?

Sasheer [00:33:15] Hot ham.

Nicole [00:33:16] “Slap my ham.” It’s hard. I feel like I’ve run out of, like, things.

Jordan [00:33:25] Do you like dumplings?

Nicole [00:33:27] Not a huge dumpling gal. But what’s your pitch?

Jordan [00:33:32] I just Googled “food butt jokes.”

Sasheer [00:33:42] Or like Bao? And maybe you put three of them and be like, “Bao Bao Bao!”

Nicole [00:33:49] That’s funny. I don’t hate Bao. I just really hate that Pixar short, Bao.

Sasheer [00:33:58] I know you do.

Nicole [00:33:59] And I think it’d just remind me too much of that short that I hate.

Sasheer [00:34:05] Yeah, I can see that.

Nicole [00:34:06] Popcorn? “Pop.”

Jordan [00:34:09] I feel like if you’re going to do popcorn, you’d have to put it in the front because it’d be like, “Pop this pussy.”

Sasheer [00:34:17] Ooh, yeah.

Nicole [00:34:17] Ooh, popcorn.

Sasheer [00:34:19] That’s fun.

Nicole [00:34:20] “Pop this pussy” is funny. What if it’s, like, corn and it’s like, “Pop this pussy?” Because you have to pop the corn to get popcorn.

Sasheer [00:34:29] But…

Nicole [00:34:30] Is that too much of a leap?

Sasheer [00:34:31] Yeah. That’s like an A to Z?

Nicole [00:34:34] Yeah. I want them to be very literal.

Sasheer [00:34:38] Or maybe it’s corn and the popcorn is, like, popping off the corncob.

Jordan [00:34:43] “It has the juice.”

Nicole [00:34:44] Oooh.

Sasheer [00:34:45] Oh, that’s good, too. But then it’s like… That’s such a now thing. Is that gonna translate?

Nicole [00:34:51] And a child said it. Oh no.

Sasheer [00:34:58] Ooh.

Nicole [00:35:02] The first innuendo or silly joke was the lollipop ice cream cone. And the same time I was getting it, this woman was getting a baseball bat on her pelvis that said, “Hit it like a champ.” And we both, like, laughed together. We were like, “We’re funny!” I wonder where she is now.

Sasheer [00:35:20] Yeah. This is your soulmate. Where’s this person?

Nicole [00:35:23] I was at Village Pop Tattoos on West Fourth Street.

Sasheer [00:35:29] That’s fun.

Nicole [00:35:31] Ooh, we should answer queries ’cause we answered my queries a little bit.

Caller #1 [00:35:37] Hi. So, I have a, I guess, best friends question. It’s not directly about me. I’m going to try to make this short and sweet. It’s dealing with my mom and her best friend. My mom’s best friend has three children, and one of them knocked up his girlfriend. And my mom’s best friend, like, forced them to get married in a court. It was just a very rushed marriage. And then the mom essentially got COVID, and her husband got COVID, so they couldn’t go to the wedding. And then she made my parents go in her place. And I just saw how stressful this was for my mom. And it makes me really angry because her friend didn’t really apologize or acknowledge that she really, like, forced my parents to go out of their way to travel. Also, they had to travel three or four states over. They didn’t get paid for gas. They didn’t get like any kind of compensation. But I mean, like, yeah, it’s just something they’re doing for a friend. But my mom really didn’t want to do this. Like, she didn’t want to go in the first place. She had to stay at this trashy hotel. It was just a mess. Personally, I’ve been, like, mad for her because this is not the first time this friend has been, like, really demanding of my mother. And it’s hard for me, being a child, to see, like, how stressful this has been on her. I’ve been getting mad for her. I’m like, “Why are you as angry as I am?” It pisses me off. I don’t know how else to say it. I’m wondering if, like, you guys were in the situation–if your parent, I mean… I’m so sorry, Nicole. But, like, hypothetically, if your parents were in the same situation, would you tell them to maybe stick up for themselves a little bit? Part of me is like, “My mom needs to stick up for herself.” She didn’t want to do this. She got roped into it, and she was pretty unhappy about it. And she didn’t even get like an apology or anything. And she literally, like, stepped up and went to this kid’s fucking wedding. And it’s not even her kid. She was pretty much forced to, and her best friend was kind of bitchy about it. My mom was like, “I’m not driving with you to this wedding. I’m not going to this wedding with you because you have COVID.” And then my mom’s best friend was like, “Well, this wedding needs to happen.” And the wedding did not need to happen. The kid got forced to get married by his own mother. She’s a hot mess express. I don’t know what’s going on. But, yeah, I don’t know if I’m stepping in too much, telling her that, like, you know, maybe she should tell her friend how she feels.

Nicole [00:38:35] Do you want to take it first, Sasheer, since you still have a parent? Well, I mean, you got both of them. You want to take it? I can’t fathom having parents, so… What’s that like? “Mommy? Daddy?” I haven’t said that in years. Wow. Feels so foreign coming out of my mouth. Dada. Daddy.” I’m kidding. Thank you for understanding that, like, I have a little bit of a loss. It is funny that we talked about my dead parents before and then she was like, “I have parent problems. Sorry, Nicole.”

Sasheer [00:39:33] I hope what they were trying to say is, like, having older parents– This seems like an adult to an adult thing–an adult with adult parents, who don’t know how to have boundaries. So maybe that’s the experience she’s saying that you don’t have, unfortunately. But yeah, that came out like, “Sorry, you don’t have parents. So, you don’t know what I’m talking about.” Well, I do think… I don’t know how old the caller is it all. But it seemed like, you know, boomers and up are not as therapied or open about boundaries as their children are. So, it’s very possible your mom has these complaints about her friend but doesn’t feel comfortable–or maybe never has–saying “no,” saying “I don’t like that,” or finding people who don’t do these things to her. And you just kind of deal with stuff like that just because you’re used to it and you’re like, “I don’t know. They still call me every Sunday, so I guess I gotta go to this dumb wedding that no one wants to happen, a couple states over.” But since this person sounds like an adult who called and hopefully you guys are having more adult conversations with each other, maybe you can say something like, “Hey, I’m watching you kind of bend over backwards for this friend. And it doesn’t seem like it’s happening in the other direction. Maybe you should be more comfortable saying no sometimes or, you know, figuring out what you want as a person as opposed to what your friend wants or needs because, yeah, even though you can help your friend with the thing that they ask you to do, it doesn’t mean you have to.” And see what happens. Maybe it’ll spark a conversation. Maybe your mom will have some opinions like, “Oh, well, I feel like I have to do it because of X, Y, and Z.” Or maybe your mom has never thought about it. But I think if you bring it up, as you would a friend, they might actually be able to think a little bit more about themselves as an individual.

Nicole [00:42:01] Yeah, I think that’s good. Jordan, you have parents, right? Do you want to chime in?

Jordan [00:42:11] Yeah, I’ll chime in for a second. I recently have gone through this. My parents will come to me and complain or vent and I’m very appreciative of them talking to me and communicating with me. But I’m very opinionated and say exactly how I feel. So, to hear my parents be like, “I just don’t know what to do. They’re driving me crazy.” I would go straight to their face and be like, “You’re driving me crazy. Get away from me.” So, it’s funny to be raised by parents, and then you’re kind of the opposite when it comes to confrontation. But it’s very hard to tell a parent, especially who grew up in a different generation, to stand up for themselves or be like, “Hey, your best friend is kind of like steamrolling you. You shouldn’t be a part of this.” I think it’s the same as–we had a recent question–I think it was the last week’s episode, where just the communication is not clear and consistent and people are not seen from the outside. People aren’t seeing inside what people from the outside are seeing. So as much as it’s really easy to be like, “Hey, mom or dad. Just do this, this, or that. It’s super easy. Just speak honest.” I don’t think certain generations were taught that way. You kind of hold back those feelings and just kind of roll with it. But if my best friend ever forced me to go to a wedding and drive with them and they had COVID, I would be like, “I’m not going in the fucking car. It’s not happening. You figure it out. And we’ll talk after.”

Nicole [00:44:01] Well, okay, let me imagine having parents. So, I think I would say to my mom, “You didn’t enjoy any of that. That was all really bad.” And if this has happened more than once, where she’s very demanding of my mother, I would be like, “Mom. You got to tell your friend that there’s just some things you can’t do.” And then if my mother chooses to continue doing those things, I think I could say to her, “Hey. This is the second, third, fourth time it’s happened. I’m not going to lecture you because it’s not my job. But I’ll say it again. You didn’t love it. So maybe you think twice before you do it again.” There’s only so much you can tell someone because people are their own people and they’re going to do what they’re going to do. But I would just be like, “Just a little reminder. You hated it.” So maybe don’t.”

Sasheer [00:44:55] I like that. Pointing out the facts. “When this thing happened, you did not like it. And now it’s happening again. Thoughts?” You know, like, “What do you think?” Just, like, pointing out, “This is a pattern, maybe that’s happening. It doesn’t seem like you’re enjoying it. Maybe assess.”

Nicole [00:45:13] Yeah. Like, I don’t like mustard, so I’m not gonna eat mustard. You know? I’m just not going to do it. When I see it on the menu, I’m not ordering that option.

Sasheer [00:45:27] Yeah. And maybe if the caller is, like, intimidated by giving their parent advice, maybe it doesn’t have to be advice. Maybe it could just be, like, more of a Socratic method of asking questions like, “Do you like when your friend makes you do things like this?” Or like, “How do you feel when you have to exert so much energy for something you don’t want to do–drive multiple states to a wedding that you don’t think should be happening?” Or whatever the case is. And then see how they respond because it is kind of hard for people to take advice, especially from their kids.  So maybe if it’s just posed a question, they’ll actually have an opportunity to think about it themselves and hopefully get to a conclusion on their own that hopefully aligns with what you thought that they should be doing.

Nicole [00:46:20] Yeah. That sounds good to me.

Sasheer [00:46:22] Yeah!

Nicole [00:46:23] Yeah. Solved.

Sasheer [00:46:25] Solved.

Jordan [00:46:26] Lastly, I also want to say, don’t force people to get married who don’t need to get married or want to get married.

Sasheer [00:46:32] Oh, man. Yeah. Who is this woman?

Nicole [00:46:34] Who is she? Who is with this witch?

Sasheer [00:46:37] This witch that everyone is bending over backwards for.

Nicole [00:46:40] Bad. We don’t like her.

Sasheer [00:46:44] We don’t like her.

Caller #2 [00:46:48] Okay, so I know a few messages already, but I wanted to be as clear and concise as possible. Okay, so I’m a busy grad student. And I do have a few hobbies, where I go out and meet people. I rock climb, which is a really great way to meet people. But for the majority of the people that I meet that are guys that are single–they end up being my friends first. And while that’s super cool, I feel like I have a hard time dealing with possibly being friendzone by these guys because they just see me as one of the guys. I appreciate their friendship, and I think that’s really cool. I hate that, I guess, I keep running into this thing of, like, since they’re the only three guys I hang out with, I end up developing feelings for them. And while it hasn’t, like, ruined any of my friendships because we’ve all been able to be pretty mature about it, it just kind of sucks. And so, I guess I just wanted to hear your guys’ advice about, like, if you’ve had crushes on guy friends before and how you kind of… Obviously you need to process it, but how do you kind of talk yourself out of it? Because it does kind of suck, and I want to just be able to be friends with these guys. But, yeah, they’re, like, the only dudes I ever hang out with. So, I don’t know. That was kind of rambling. Anyways, you guys are all amazing. I love listening to this podcast, and it’s really comforting to have some funny things to listen to while I spend a lot of time at work. Anyways. Bye!

Sasheer [00:48:31] So she’s hanging out with these guys, getting friend zoned, and developing crushes on these guys. And the question is: How does she just stay friends with them mentally?

Nicole [00:48:43] How does she not get crushes? I’m useless. I meet a man in the supermarket, and I fall in love. A man says “hello” to me and I’m like, “We have a future.” So, I’m out. I’m so sorry. God bless.

Sasheer [00:48:59] I guess I’ve also developed crushes on guy friends. And I think just time passes and then you’re like, “This is not happening.” Also, the more you become friends with that person, the more you’ll hopefully discover things where you’re like, “Ooh. I wouldn’t want to date that.” After a while, you’re just kind of like, “Oh, I can see why we’re better as friends. He does that and I hate that.” Or you’re watching how they actually date women, and you’re like, “Well, that fucking sucks. I would never want to actually encounter that.” Unless all these guys are perfect, but probably not.

Nicole [00:49:46] Yeah. You’re just going to make yourself crazy, like, wishing and hoping.

Sasheer [00:49:56] And maybe that date energy should be concentrated on actual dates. Like, are you on the apps? Unless you are rock climbing in order to find a partner. But if you’re rock climbing to rock climb and the people you’re meeting are friends, let that be that. And then if something happens otherwise, great. But maybe don’t expect it. And then if you want to date, then go date. You’re going to bars to find a date or, like, you are on dating apps to find somebody to go on dates with. And then, like, that energy is concentrated more there. And then that energy isn’t bleeding into the rock-climbing stuff.

Nicole [00:50:35] Yeah, I think that’s, like, really great advice–to be like, “Rock climbing is what I do. It’s my hobby. I love it. I’m not looking for love here. I’m looking for love in these different places.” And then maybe love will happen rock climbing because you’re not expecting it and you’re not, like, wanting it. Allegedly you find love when you least expect it.

Sasheer [00:51:00] Uh-huh. I’ve heard that before.

Nicole [00:51:00] Yeah, apparently that’s a thing. But I think if you go into rock climbing, being like, “These are friends.” “Friends?” Oh my God. Oh no, I really didn’t take my medicine because there’s a quote that won’t leave my brain now. “Fish are friends, not food.” What’s that from? “Rock climbers are friends, not fuck buddies.”

Sasheer [00:51:33] Yeah. And also, you never know. Sometimes people are friends for years and then… Or maybe not even years. But, you know, sometimes people are friends, then they develop feelings, and something does happen after. So, I don’t think just because you got friend zoned that means, like, that’s the end. Don’t hold out hope. Don’t be like, “I’m going to stick around long because I’m playing the long game.” But maybe if you just take that idea out of the equation totally, either something will happen and like, “Wow, what a fun surprise,” or it won’t. And that’s okay because that’s not what we’re doing. “We’re rock climbing right now.”

Nicole [00:52:08] “Yeah, we’re rock climbing right now.”

Sasheer [00:52:11] “There’s no time for love. We’re holding onto rocks.”

Nicole [00:52:12] You might fall down if you fall in love. Yeah. You’re not trying to fall in love. You’re trying to get up the rock.

Sasheer [00:52:22] We don’t want falling involved in any capacity when it comes to rock climbing.

Nicole [00:52:26] No, you got to stay on that rock. And maybe if you stay on that rock, there will be a rock of love.

Sasheer [00:52:34] Oh, okay. Okay. Like the reality dating show with–?

Nicole [00:52:40] With Bret Michaels, baby. I loved Rock of Love. Boy, oh boy. I also loved… What was the one with that man?

Sasheer [00:52:54] Flavor of Love.

Nicole [00:52:55] Yes. Boy, oh boy. Do you remember that episode where one of the girls pooped on the floor?

Sasheer [00:53:01] I can never forget. That will never leave my brain.

Nicole [00:53:03] Isn’t that wild?

Sasheer [00:53:05] She just bent down and pooped on the floor.

Nicole [00:53:10] When you got to go, you got to go.

Sasheer [00:53:12] And they just blurred it out and still showed it? Amazing.

Nicole [00:53:16] I mean, the 2000s were a different fucking era for reality television.

Sasheer [00:53:21] Yeah, that was really the golden era for reality TV.

Nicole [00:53:24] Oh, it really was. Oh, my God. Well, that’s it. Just leaving you with that little nugget.

Sasheer [00:53:36] Ew.

Nicole [00:53:37] Uh huh. Thank you. If you like this episode and you have a question or a query, there’s an email address. And it’s nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. There’s also a phone number for voicemails, voice memos, or text messages. Do you guys want to hear it?

Sasheer [00:53:56] Yeah!

Nicole [00:53:57] Great. Because if you didn’t, I was going to say it anywhere. “Anywhere?” I can’t wait! 424-645-7003.

Sasheer [00:54:09] We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

Nicole [00:54:13] Lastly, I know we have a lot on our plates, but it’s the new year. No, wait. Is it the new year yet? I don’t know.

Sasheer [00:54:21] I mean, we are in the new year.

Nicole [00:54:24] Happy New Year! Don’t forget to write, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support this show.

Sasheer [00:54:36] All right. Happy New Year!

Nicole [00:54:37] Happy New Year!