January 24, 2023
Sometimes we want vacations, and sometimes, vacations don’t want us! Nicole and Sasheer share their trip to the Bahamas and it was everything BUT relaxing! This trip had everything! Margaritaville to the rescue, dance clubs in hotel lobbies, Jet Ski adventures, Airbnb catfishing, and so much more. You truly have to be sitting down for this one. And, what this trip had the most of all was the audacity!
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189 — Sasheer Was Scared To Leave Nicole Stranded In The Middle Of The Ocean
Nicole [00:00:11] Sasheer!
Sasheer [00:00:12] Nicole.
Nicole [00:00:13] It’s the end of the month. Did you like January?
Sasheer [00:00:20] What a good month we had.
Nicole [00:00:21] Oh, yum, yum, yum. I liked it so much.
Sasheer [00:00:25] Should we talk about our Bahamas trip?
Nicole [00:00:27] Oh, yeah. Let me open my notes app because any time I have told the story to someone, I’ve, like, missed things. So, I’m very happy to have my trusty notes app that we made. I almost forgot that we went to the Bahamas.
Sasheer [00:00:43] I think maybe your brain’s going to like protection-mode to, like, protect yourself from all that we went through.
Nicole [00:00:52] I mean, honestly, maybe it was not good.
Sasheer [00:00:58] It was quite wild. It did feel like we were being tested every step of the way.
Nicole [00:01:04] It really did. And when I got home, I was not well rested. I didn’t feel good. I got home, I was like, “Aw, I’m even more tired.” Okay. So, we decided to go to the Bahamas, I think, in November.
Sasheer [00:01:27] I think so. Like, last fall. Yeah.
Nicole [00:01:30] Yeah. And I had Lyndsey, my wonderful assistant, send Airbnb rentals to us. And we picked one. The pictures were so good.
Sasheer [00:01:43] It was right on the water.
Nicole [00:01:45] Yes! You can walk to the beach and be in the water. There was a pool.
Sasheer [00:01:52] A little private pool for us.
Nicole [00:01:55] Just for us friends! So, we get on a flight, it’s filled with screaming babies. One baby was screaming so hard, and the mom dragging her was like, “I took her goldfish away.” And we were like, “Give it back.”
Sasheer [00:02:15] “Give her the goldfish back, please.” If you know the answer, fix it.
Nicole [00:02:22] I know you don’t want your children to run your life, but, like, give them back for all of us. And then a child was kicking Mateo as we were getting off. Oh, wait. Before we got off… Delta. I love Delta. I’m a diamond diva. I want to be a sky baby badly; I follow him on Instagram. But he served us food in a gift box.
Sasheer [00:02:45] Oh, yeah. We had little boxes instead of, like, a full meal. Well, Mateo’s–his seemed like we weren’t supposed to see him because it was, like, a plastic bag of grapes. Loose grapes.
Nicole [00:03:02] It was loose grapes, not even on the vine. And the choice was smoked salmon, banana bread–that’s not a meal–and a ham and cheese “croissant!” And that’s how our flight attendant said it.
Sasheer [00:03:15] And we were like, “Ooh, a ‘croissant!’ Okay. Exotic.”
Nicole [00:03:21] It was a ham and cheese croissant, but it was in a bag that wasn’t closed. Nothing was sealed in Mateo’s box.
Sasheer [00:03:27] Nothing of mine was in a plastic bag.
Nicole [00:03:32] Wait, really?
Sasheer [00:03:33] No. I had, like, banana bread; it was just in a box.
Nicole [00:03:39] Wait, that’s so funny. I thought everybody’s came in weird bags.
Sasheer [00:03:43] Mine had no bags.
Nicole [00:03:44] That’s so funny. Oh, my God. Then we land, we get to the airport, and I get a message from the woman who’s checking us in. And she says, “Are you at the airport?” And I said, “Yes, we’re at the airport.” She said, “So am I.” I said, “Great, we’re just going to pick up our luggage.” And then we get outside. I texted her, like, four times–nothing. I call her, like, five times–nothing. And then I was like, “Mateo, you have a number, too, right?” And he said, “Yes.” So, he calls, and they’re like, “Oh, you have to take a shuttle.” And I said, “A shuttle? Nobody told me about a shuttle. I just told you when we were landing and that you said that someone would be here.” And then the shuttle man was like, “Take a selfie, so I know who I’m picking up.”
Sasheer [00:04:28] “Send me a picture of yourself.” We were like, “Or you could just tell us what your car looks like. Give us a license plate number. A make and model.” So, we took a beautiful selfie of ourselves to send to this stranger.
Nicole [00:04:45] Who then arrived in a dirty, dinged up, gray van.
Sasheer [00:04:54] I also had all my luggage–everything I’ve ever owned–because I was going straight from the Bahamas to Atlanta for work. So, I had two huge suitcases and a backpack. And everyone else had suitcases, too. And the van just had every seat up, and there was no trunk space. And I was like, “Do you want to put the back seat down so we can put the luggage in?” He goes, “No, it’s fine,” and then chucks my biggest bag over a seat.
Nicole [00:05:21] Your 100-lb suitcase–or 80-ib, however big it was–just between the headrests. He just threw it. And then I was like, “Oh, better keep my backpack.”
Sasheer [00:05:34] Yeah, I had set my backpack down for it to be put in there. But I was like, “I don’t want him chucking my laptop.” So, I just kept my backpack with me.
Nicole [00:05:44] He drives okay, but, like, not great. And he’s like, “You can open the windows if you want.” And I was like, “Couldn’t possibly ever guess how to open one of these windows.”
Sasheer [00:05:55] Yeah, I think you asked him, and he just turned the music up.
Nicole [00:06:00] And then Mateo was like, “These seats are all set the worst way.” Like, I was sitting in his lap, and I couldn’t figure out how to move it. Then we get to the Airbnb. It is covered in rust. The outside is just so rusty. And this man threw our suitcases.
Sasheer [00:06:21] We were catfished.
Nicole [00:06:21] We were catfished. We were. We were shown a beautiful place and then the worst place we’ve ever been. But the hallway leading to the living room–I was like, “You know what? That’s nice. This might be nice inside.”
Sasheer [00:06:41] Yes.
Nicole [00:06:43] And I think that’s what they did. They were like, “Listen, the outside may be bad, but this hallway is going to lead to good things.” And then it did.
Sasheer [00:06:53] It really didn’t. And there were stains everywhere. There were, like, towels or some sort of cloth covering some cushions on the couch. It wasn’t uniform at all.
Nicole [00:07:06] When I finally looked under the towels, it was more stains. The worst stains were covered with a towel. And then the lovely lady checking us in–I won’t say her name, that’s not kind–but she comes in, immediately kicks off her sandals, and starts, like, toeing the floor. She sat down, and her toes are going up and down on the floor. And she’s like, “Okay, I see you guys are here for Junkanoo,” which is–we later found–a cultural fucking festival that happens every year. And it hadn’t happened for two years since COVID had hit. And it was a big deal that it was happening again. And she was like, “Yeah, families dance. You gotta look it up. It’s an all-day event, but you gotta look it up. Junkanoo is fun, but you gotta look it up.” And we’re like, “Okay.”
Sasheer [00:07:58] But it was like, “Why can’t you explain it?”
Nicole [00:08:00] Yeah, you live here. You’ve lived here, I think, your whole life.
Sasheer [00:08:06] She’s like, “It’s fine. You can just look it up.”
Nicole [00:08:08] Then she told us her favorite places to eat, which busses we should take. And I was like, “Check us in, and get the fuck out.” And she was like, “These are my new best friends.”
Sasheer [00:08:19] Yeah. She, like, buckled in. Also, I was like, “Why isn’t this information just in a pamphlet on the table?” It’s like, “You’re really telling us everything as if we’re going to remember it?” I was like, “I’m not going to know the bus system that you’re talking about right now. Write it down.”
Nicole [00:08:35] Yeah. Write it down. And then she, like, told us the Wi-Fi by mouth. Nothing was written down in this house.
Sasheer [00:08:42] And then she was like, “You don’t have any shampoo here, conditioner, extra toilet paper, paper towels, or…” There was nothing there. It was an empty house.
Nicole [00:08:53] Just stains.
Sasheer [00:08:56] Nothing but stains. And they didn’t have laundry detergent!
Nicole [00:09:04] Yeah, no fucking laundry sauce to clean anything. And then she goes, “Huh. I got to give you a key, but I don’t know where the keys are.” And then she starts touching our stuff. And I was like, “We all got here before you, so that key’s not under our things.” And then she’s like, “Yes, but I need to find the key.” And I was like, “Okay.” And then this is after she made me, like, give her my passport, my driver’s license, my whole identity for her to steal. And then she’s like, “It’s Airbnb’s policy.” I was like, “Well, is it Airbnb’s policy to lose a key?” And she didn’t like that; she didn’t like that at all.
Sasheer [00:09:42] Yeah, you went into sassy mode.
Nicole [00:09:44] Oh, I was so mad at this woman. And when she finally left, she was like, “Maintenance happens on Tuesdays.” And we’re like, “Wait, that all seems important!”
Sasheer [00:09:54] Yeah, that was important information. You were wasting our time with other stuff. And now you’re, like, rushing out, like, “Okay, maintenance… They’re closed at this time. Bye.” And then we were like, “How do we get cabs?” She was like, “Go through me.” And we were like, “We never wanna talk to you again. Is there any other way?”
Nicole [00:10:11] She did say that. “Oh, just let me know. I’ll get you a cab.”
Sasheer [00:10:15] “We don’t want to let you do anything.”
Nicole [00:10:17] “You told me you were at the airport. You were not at the airport. So, you’re going to be like, ‘The cab is there,’ but the cab is not going to be there. I don’t trust you.” Oh, also, she didn’t know that we had, like, a chef for the week. We had a chef for the week because we were like, “Let’s be opulent.” And she was like, “I don’t know about this.” And Mateo’s like, “But I spoke to you.” And she was like, “No, I don’t have any of this on my side.” He’s like, “I paid for it.” And she’s like, “Never heard of a chef in my life. What is a chef?” It was truly wild. But then she, like, figured it out. And we did have a chef, who came… Oh, wait, no. Before that, you guys go to get things that we need.
Sasheer [00:10:59] We were like, “We’re going to go to the convenience store. We’re going to walk. Get some stuff.” And then you’re like, “I’m going to take a shower.” You were gonna take just a water shower because again, there was no amenities.
Nicole [00:11:15] I just needed some alone time because I was like, “I cannot believe this is the house we’re in.” Oh. Also, everyone had gone upstairs while she was there–while I was dealing with her. And then when I finally went upstairs, I was like, “The floor is not done. The staircase isn’t finished, and everyone seems okay with this.” So, I was like, “I guess I just gotta, like, be okay, in this house. I’ll take a soapless shower.”
Sasheer [00:11:40] No, I think we were all, like, reeling from this. We were like, “But who’s going to say it first? Who’s going to say, ‘This house sucks, and we don’t want to be here’ first?” And so, we walked to the store, and Mateo was also like, “Is Nicole going to be mad if we say we don’t like it?” And I was like, “I think she’s on the same page. She looks displeased. I can’t imagine that she’s attached to this house.” And also, everything is super expensive in the Bahamas because they import everything from America. So, like, a bottle of shampoo was, like, $15. And yeah, we just bought what we could. We got some snacks. And they bagged it up for us. And we walked back to the house. We were looking at the horizon… Actually, no, you were looking at the horizon because you got out of the shower, and you looked like you were going to jump off of the edge.
Nicole [00:12:37] Well, I kept looking at the ocean, being like, “This is nice. The ocean is nice. This is great.” And then you come out, and Mateo was like, “The beach is a prison beach.” And I was like, “What do you mean?” And he’s like, “You can see it from here.” And this thing they called the beach was just a gap between townhouses that if you went swimming, you would be pulled out and you would die. It was so wild.
Sasheer [00:13:05] The waves were so choppy. There were huge ruts underneath us. There’s no way you could actually swim in that water. I don’t know why they were like, “The beach is closed.” No, we were going to die.
Nicole [00:13:16] Yeah, we’ll pass right away. And then I don’t know who said it first, but they were like, “This place is bad, right?” And I was like, “Yes. Yes, it’s awful. It’s awful. We can’t stay here!” And then our chef comes, and she makes us a delicious meal that costs $855. She had bought groceries for the week, and we only stayed for a day. Also, we were supposed to get two meals that day, and we only got one. But it was very delicious.
Sasheer [00:13:52] It was a delicious meal that was the highlight of the day because we were very sad and angry. But then we were like, “At least we have this wonderful meal.” But also, when she was there, she discovered that the fridge was broke.
Nicole [00:14:03] Oh yeah.
Sasheer [00:14:04] It was, like, leaking.
Nicole [00:14:05] It was leaking and making those horrible noises.
Sasheer [00:14:11] And then she was like, “You know, these houses are all like this. Like, the owners don’t live here, they don’t care about these buildings, and they’re kind of all falling apart. So, I’m not surprised.” And we’re like, “Oh. We are.”
Nicole [00:14:27] She was like, “I listen to people complain all the time. And I was like, “Oh my God, this won’t do.” So, I hop on Airbnb, and I was like, “Listen, this isn’t good.” And to their credit, they were like, “Take some pictures.” So, I took pictures, and beautiful Timothy goes, “Even I wouldn’t stay there.” And I was like, “Thanks, Timothy.” So, Timothy refunded me all of my money. And then he sent a couple other options. We were all like, “Two bedrooms; teeny tiny. Timothy, no. Too small.” So, then Christi and Mateo are like, “Hey, we’re going to go home.” And we were like, “What?” They gave up. They said, “We shan’t be staying in Bahamas.” And I was like, “Well, but I flew here. I haven’t seen a beach. I want to see more Bahamas.” So, we decided to stay. I think we both contacted our publicists, being like, “Do you think we could get a discount at a hotel or something?” But then Jimmy Buffett was a Margaritaville resort in Bahamas, and they had two rooms open. Literally, the only place in Bahamas that had rooms open, and there was only two. And I said to Christi and Mateo, “There’s two rooms open. Do you want to get one of those rooms?” And they’re like, “We’re literally leaving tomorrow. We have booked our flights.” So, we’re like, “Okay.”
Sasheer [00:15:57] I think all options are correct. You and I were like, “We came for a vacation. We’re going to get a vacation.” And Mateo and Christi, I think, were like, “Look, we had a year where we worked very hard, and we want to celebrate that. And we don’t want to spend the rest of the trip in the Bahamas figuring out the trip in Bahamas.” And so that’s what they chose. They left. And you and I were like, “We’re going to figure this out. We’re going to do this.”
Nicole [00:16:29] So we get that room at Margaritaville. And then you were like, “Let’s go get a drink at SLS,” which is a big hotel. It’s wild; the hotels in Bahamas are like Vegas casinos. They’re enormous and literally have casinos in them. They’re crazy. So, I call a taxi company, and I was like, “Hi, can you pick us up from here?” And this man goes, “How many of you are there?” And I said, “Four.” He went, “No! You’re the same people from yesterday!” And I laughed, and I was like, “No, no. No, I’m not.” And he’s like, “You’re all the same motherfuckers from yesterday. You moutherfuckers were so fucking rude to me! Don’t you fucking dare call!” And I was like, “Wait a minute!” And Sasheer was doing something, and she walked past. She was like, “Wait, what?”
Sasheer [00:17:20] I was, like, brushing my teeth, and I was like, “What?”
Nicole [00:17:25] Matteo was like, “What are going to do? Bite him through the bone?” And then he hung up on me. And I was like, “Oh my God.” And then I Googled another cab company, and they didn’t pick up. The next one I call–she was like, “Where are you?” I told her. And she’s like, “I ain’t got no drivers, but I’ma get me a bite to eat. Then I come get you. Should be 30 minutes.” And I was like, “30 minutes? No, we’ll try something else.” I call four more companies. Nobody will come get us. So, we were like, “Okay, I guess we stay in this awful Airbnb all night.”
Sasheer [00:17:58] It felt like Bahamas didn’t want us there. This was one of many times throughout the trip where I felt like the Bahamas is like, “We just don’t want you here.”
Nicole [00:18:13] “Yeah, just fucking leave, you idiot.”
Sasheer [00:18:16] “We will not help you.”
Nicole [00:18:19] But then Christi’s fiancée’s best friend’s cousin somehow had a hookup at Comfort Suites on Paradise Island, which is, like, 20 minutes away from where the Airbnb was. So, he comes for us in his Volvo. A Volvo’s not big. Sasheer has two 80-lb suitcases. I have, like, a 62-lb suitcase because I packed my whole life to come here for no reason. Matteo has a giant suitcase. Everyone has big suitcases. So, he puts what he can in the trunk, and then we all have to hold our suitcases.
Sasheer [00:19:00] I was in the front seat, and I could turn around and only see people’s eyeballs. Suitcases were literally up to their eyeballs.
Nicole [00:19:10] And then he takes us to Comfort Suites. Comfort Suites was clean, at least. It smelled like bleach had been spilled, like things had been wiped down, dusting had happened. And I was like, “The lighting? Not optimal.” It was, you know, a Comfort Suites.
Sasheer [00:19:30] Furniture? Outdated. But we can’t complain. We didn’t want to sleep in the other place at all. I was like, “I don’t want to lose my head yet.”
Nicole [00:19:38] P.S. The other place? There were stains on the headboard. It was funky. Jordan, I’ll show you pictures later. It was fucking disgusting. But Comfort Suites was our savior. And they had a comfy bed, so I guess it was a Comfort Suite.
Sasheer [00:20:02] It was a comfortable suite.
Nicole [00:20:06] We went by the pool; we had a drink. It was a nice time, and I really thought Matteo and Christi maybe would stay. I was like, “Come on! This was, like, an adventure. Don’t you want to stay?” And they’re like, “Our flights are booked. Goodbye.”
Sasheer [00:20:22] And they couldn’t have been happier to leave–skipping out the door.
Nicole [00:20:26] Yes. Truly, the next morning, they skipped into our room, and they were like, “Okay, bye!” We’re like, “Oh, but we’re going to go down and eat breakfast.” Door slam. We’re like, “Okay, see you later.”
Sasheer [00:20:50] And then the Comfort Suites was connected to Atlantis somehow. And Atlantis is this huge amusement park, casino, aquarium, tour, hotel–
Nicole [00:21:11] Anything you want can happen at Atlantis.
Sasheer [00:21:13] You could snorkel.
Nicole [00:21:16] You could snorkel in their aquarium. The ocean is right there. It’s so crazy. We were eating lunch later, and I watched people on water bicycles, kayaking, paddle boarding, skipping rocks. I was like, “There’s too much aquatics happening.” But then we had to run to Atlantis because the lady said we had to get our day passes before someone checked into Comfort Suites and took our day passes. And I was like, “That does it make sense because the date of check-ins are different.” But we were like, “Nothing here makes sense.” So, we ran to Atlantis, couldn’t drop off our bags at Margaritaville.
Sasheer [00:22:05] So we took all our stuff to Atlantis–and we also got dropped off of the wrong building–and then had to leave it with the bellhop. And then they’re like, “Okay, go to this area to find a day pass.” And that area was 15 miles away. We had to walk through all of Atlantis to find the Activities Desk.
Nicole [00:22:25] And it wasn’t labeled. We had to go downstairs into the beginning of the aquarium. And then while I was waiting, you tried to enter the aquarium, and they would not let you.
Sasheer [00:22:36] No, because I didn’t have a day pass! And the lady who gives out the passes wasn’t there. No one knew where she was. She was missing.
Nicole [00:22:44] Nope. She was missing, and then one of the other ladies goes and gets her. And then she finally comes back–no sorry, no nothing. She didn’t even really look at our fucking Comfort Suite thing. She just gave us the day passes.
Sasheer [00:22:56] She was in such a rush because there was now a line behind us of other people waiting for their day passes. So, she was clearly just like, “Here you go. Bye.” So, it didn’t really matter that we had to rush over there. We were just like, “Whatever.” We got our day passes, and we saw the aquarium. We walked around. We saw everything.
Nicole [00:23:15] The wildest thing. We did 10,000 steps, and all we did was go to the aquarium and go to the beach. That’s how big it was. But also, Atlantis isn’t real. It’s based on something fake. So, it’s filled with, like, fake hieroglyphics. It was a trip to look at everything. I was like, “This is literally nuts.” There’s fake lore everywhere. They had some of the best fish, though.
Sasheer [00:23:45] Really beautiful fish. Very cool fish. Some guy passed us because we were ogling the fish. We’re like, “Damn, look at that fish! That fish is beautiful.” And we’re like, “We’re being so silly.” And then some guy rushed past us and is like, “Excuse me.” And then he, like, stopped in his tracks, and he goes, “Dude. Look at that seahorse.” And his friends are like, Yeah, man. Look at that seahorse.”
Nicole [00:24:08] “Yeah, it’s seahorse!” Oh man, we laughed forever. And then you had your first hotdog of the trip after we went to the beach, and we stood behind a man screaming at the workers. He was like, “I’m watching you, man! Don’t drink my frozen funky monkey drink!” And I was like, “There’s something inherently racist about a white man screaming at Black people to not steal his ‘funky monkey drink.’ It’s just not a good look.” And then he was, like, making out with his wife. And everyone at Atlantis was either on the brink of a divorce, honeymooning–but, like, they shouldn’t have been because they should not have gotten married–or they just, like, really didn’t like each other. It was wild. Nobody at Atlantis was pleasant or happy.
Sasheer [00:24:56] There was one couple that was in front of us when we were walking–the woman said something about going to some pool or something, and the husband was like, “Oh, what? Which pool?” He, like, started screaming at her in front of their kids.
Nicole [00:25:09] Yeah, he’s like, “Which fucking pool do you want? There’s a pool right fucking there!” And then she gave him the finger, and I was like, “Should we be here for this?”
Sasheer [00:25:21] It was bad. People were not happy at Atlantis.
Nicole [00:25:26] I think it was too overwhelming; it was too big.
Sasheer [00:25:29] It was really overwhelming. And we went to the beach and asked someone to help us get some beach chairs. And he was like, “Oh, you want some chairs?” We’re like, “Yes, please.” And he goes, “‘Please?’ Whoa. That never happens.” We were like, “Oh. Um… Yeah. Yes, you’re getting us a thing. We’re trying to be courteous.” And, you know, I guess to imply the guests here usually do not say “please” or “thank you” or anything of the like.
Nicole [00:25:54] And then we tipped him, and he was like, “Oh, wow! Thanks! I was just doing my job!” And we were like, “Yeah, but, like, thank you?” He’s like, “Wow.” And then that’s what we noticed; we were like, “If we just said ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ everyone was so nice.”
Sasheer [00:26:10] Yeah. People will help if you’re just nice to them. I think a lot of tourists don’t recognize the people who work there as people.
Nicole [00:26:18] And also it is, you know, mostly Black, so I think it’s interesting. And so, then we eat the nastiest meal of our lives at Atlantis.
Sasheer [00:26:33] Because they’re having it watered down as basic as possible for all the idiot tourists who come there.
Nicole [00:26:41] Yeah, there was, like, no spice, no nothing, no salt, no pepper, nothing. And then my chicken had this, like, goop on it that I couldn’t figure out if it was mustard or not. It was really nasty.
Sasheer [00:26:52] It was nasty. And the Bahamas wants to get you drunk. They’re always trying to serve you drink and give you heavy pours because they drink themselves a lot there. But then I think they’re also just trying to get these tourists fucked up. I was like, “I don’t need that much alcohol, please.”
Nicole [00:27:08] They’re like, “If you drink enough, you’ll go to sleep, and you’ll leave us alone.”
Sasheer [00:27:14] “You’ll stop asking me for things if you’re drunk.”
Nicole [00:27:19] So then we move all of our stuff to Margaritaville, and then our room isn’t ready.
Sasheer [00:27:26] No, it’s not. Oh, and there’s a steel drum playing in the lobby when we’re trying to check in. And it was so loud we can’t hear the person.
Nicole [00:27:38] And then the man playing the drum let some other man, who doesn’t play the drums, play the drum. And it was like, “Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.” And we’re like, “Is our room ready?” We’re, like, screaming at this woman. She’s screaming back at us. And then there was never a steel drum in the lobby again.
Sasheer [00:27:57] Never again! It was not, like, a regular thing that happened. For some reason, the one moment we’re trying to check in and listen to pertinent information about our room, there was a steel drum performance. And then it literally never happened again. And we were there for, like, a week.
Nicole [00:28:14] There was a big flip-flop in the lobby, which really got me; I loved it so much. And then we get to our room. It’s great. It’s clean. There’s no sand because Comfort Suites had some… I thought it was sand on the floor. I decided to never look at my feet. You looked at your feet and it was not the color of sand.
Sasheer [00:28:35] Yeah, it’s not sand. It’s chunks of white, and I don’t know what that is.
Nicole [00:28:40] I think it was paint from the floor. I think they just, like, epoxied the floor or painted it with something that they didn’t clean it first just so it would adhere. And it was paint chips, but I was like, “I’m just going to believe it’s sand, and I don’t want to know anything else.”
Sasheer [00:28:57] Our standards were already so low–the lowest they could be. So, when we got to Margaritaville, we were like, “Heaven! This is heaven!” It was great. It was a great hotel, but we also were just like, “Anything!”
Nicole [00:29:13] Also, I had started my period. It was bad. And then our good friend Jerrod helped us get the luggage upstairs. He later ends up in the hospital. He’s our only friend.
Sasheer [00:29:28] Well, there’s a front of house employee named Jerrod who was really cool, and he gave us suggestions on, like, where to eat and stuff like that. I was like, “Hey, man. You seem very helpful. Literally, no one else has helped us this whole trip. Can I get your phone number, so if we ever need anything, you can help us out?” He’s like, “Oh, yes, absolutely.” And then he was like, “I got a driver who could help you out.” And we were like, “We absolutely need a driver because we have tried to call taxis before, and they either called us ‘motherfuckers’ or they had to go get something to eat. So, we would like to not experience that again. Yes, can we please get a consistent driver?”
Nicole [00:30:03] And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, it’s hard here, of course.” He was so nice. And we were like, “Are you going to Junkanoo?” He’s like, “Eh, I am not going this year. I got stabbed last time I went.” I was like, “Good to know. Good to know.” And we were like, “Well, maybe we’ll go, but, like, if we see some stabbings, we’ll get out.” So, then we meet our driver, Mr. Marley. Mr. Marley is great. Mr. Marley starts pretty wild almost at once.
Sasheer [00:30:37] Yeah.
Nicole [00:30:38] At one point I was like, “Mr. Marley, my dad is from Barbados, and he loved eating sugar cane. Is sugar cane big here? People just, like, munch on it?” And he was like, “Sugar cane keeps you hard.” And I was like, “What? I was talking about my dad. Why would you say that, Mr. Marley?” And he proceeded to go on about other stuff that makes you hard.
Sasheer [00:31:01] Yeah, he’s like, “If you’re with someone and they can’t get it up, you give them some sugar cane.” And we’re like, “We weren’t talking about that.”
Nicole [00:31:09] “I was talking about my dear dad. Please stop it, Mr. Marley.” But we went to this place called Latitude, which is great–except we were like, “We don’t have a reservation.” They’re like, “We don’t know what to do for you.” And Sasheer was like, “Well, how about we sit maybe in the bar?” And this lady was like, “I don’t recommend that.” And we’re like, “But what if we wait and a table opens up?” And they’re like, “It’s your time.” We’re like, “Okay.”
Sasheer [00:31:35] Yeah. It was strange. It’s as if no one has ever come without a reservation or, I guess, like, stayed and then tried to get a table.
Nicole [00:31:46] Maybe.
Sasheer [00:31:46] But I was like, “There’s a way this could happen. We’ll just get a drink. And then if a table opens up, you let us know.” And they’re like, “Oh, okay. You might get in the way of the other people at the bar.” And we’re like, “We’re not gonna hover on top of them. We’re just going to get a drink and stand somewhere else.” But then a table did open up.
Nicole [00:32:06] Yes. And before that… The Bahamas? I’ve never felt prettier or hotter because these men were, like, breaking their necks to look at me. The bartender–I mean, he was, like, 12–but he was, like, staring at me weird. And I thought it was just because I was, like, too friendly or something. But then he, like, gives me my drink and then appears behind me to give me the check because I think he went to confirm that my ass was fat. And then he just whispered, “You’re gorgeous.” And I was like, “What?” And I turned around, he was like, “You’re gorgeous.” And I was like, “Okay. Thank you.” Then he handed me the check and then just, like, smiled at me. And I was like, “Oh, wow. Okay.” Oh, and then before we got to sit, we watched a lady almost die. She was old, and she looked like she had consumption or something. She was holding a napkin in front of her mouth. There was two younger women on either side of her. And we were like, “Is she okay?” Don’t know. I don’t know if she ever came back.
Sasheer [00:33:12] Yeah, I guess we never saw her come back.
Nicole [00:33:15] No, she went and died of consumption. And then as we were sitting, there was a spill, and nobody cleaned it up. They just put a sign over it.
Sasheer [00:33:24] Yeah, they just put a “slippery when wet” sign on top of it. And I was like, “It’d be faster and safer if someone just quickly cleaned it up.”
Nicole [00:33:33] But they said, “No. This is Bahamas. We won’t do anything that makes sense.” So, then we went to SLS. and there was, like, a bar in the lobby that was a club?
Sasheer [00:33:46] Yeah. I was told there was, like, an upstairs rooftop bar, which I think there is. But they were like, “Oh, if you’re a guest here, you can go up there, but no one else.” I guess that’s a new rule. And then they were like, “But there’s this bar here and a jazz bar across the way.” And the bar they pointed at was the lobby, and the lights were slightly dim but not dim enough to be a club.
Nicole [00:34:10] But people were dancing.
Sasheer [00:34:13] They were dancing as if it was a club, and I was like, “Why are you pretending? Why are you trying to make this work? You know you’re in a lobby. What’s happening? There’s children here. There are children there also dancing.”
Nicole [00:34:24] There was people coming in with luggage, trying to check in.
Sasheer [00:34:30] “What are you doing?” And then we tried to find the jazz bar–and same situation where it just felt like an airport bar, where it was, like, again, lights were too bright. And for some reason, people were convinced that this was a good option. I was like, “Why?”
Nicole [00:34:43] Yeah. And then there was a casino there. It felt like Vegas. It was really fucking wild.
Sasheer [00:34:49] Yeah.
Nicole [00:34:53] Then we go in the hot tub, and the hot tub is cold.
Sasheer [00:34:56] We go back to the Margaritaville, and Jerrod, our friend who worked there, was like, “Oh, yeah, the hot tub is open all night.” We’re like, “Ooh, okay.” Which is kind of not true because the sign definitely said it was closed at 10:00, but it was still open.
Nicole [00:35:11] It was still open. You could get it. He said, “It’s open all night, and it’s like a movie over there sometimes.” What? Are people fucking in this hot tub?
Sasheer [00:35:20] What kind of movie? A porn? Which also wasn’t true because no one was there. It was so empty.
Nicole [00:35:27] No, not a single person.
Sasheer [00:35:28] But probably because they also believed that the pool closed at a certain hour. And we were told otherwise.
Nicole [00:35:38] We get in a hot tub. It is, like, lukewarm.
Sasheer [00:35:44] I guess we just put our foot into the pool, and it was boiling.
Nicole [00:35:48] You looked at the pool, and you were like, “Huh. Well, let’s see what the pool’s doing.” And you put your hand in, and you’re like, “This is hot, Nicole.” And then we stepped in it. It was, like, soupy hot. It was like the pool was on a stove. It was so fucking hot.
Sasheer [00:36:05] It seemed like someone had made a mistake and put the wrong temperatures for the pool in the hot tub, which was great because we were like, “Well, then we’re just going to enjoy this pool like it’s a hot tub.” And it was great. We’re just floating around, looking at the view. It was so nice. And then eventually we were like, “I think we’re going to die. I’m so hot. My heart is racing.”
Nicole [00:36:26] Yeah, I was like, “We gotta get out of here.”
Sasheer [00:36:28] “I’m sweating.”
Nicole [00:36:40] So then the next day we’re like, “Is Junkanoo happening today?” But it was not. It was happening that night at… I don’t know.
Sasheer [00:36:49] We were told so many different things. Some people said, “Midnight.” Some people said, “3 a.m.” No one was very clear about when Junkanoo was happening. It just was happening at some point.
Nicole [00:37:01] So Mr. Marley gives us a tour, and we go to the fish fry first. And to the lady who checked us in at the Airbnb’s credit–delicious. It was so fucking good.
Sasheer [00:37:12] It was really tasty.
Nicole [00:37:13] Yeah, we tried conch, or I tried conch–it was very good–which is, like, their dish that they like. They usually have a conch salad, which is, like, Ceviche, which is also really, really good.
Sasheer [00:37:25] Yeah. I had this blackened salmon. I had salmon the whole trip, but that was, like, the best one I ever had–at the fish fry.
Nicole [00:37:33] And it looked good. I wish I had asked for a little bite, but I didn’t think of it. So, then he took us to the slave cannons that they used to defend themselves when slave ships would come. We saw DJ Khaled’s house. We got rum cake, where you buy rum cake and then they make you go take a shot of rum. And the rum cake is so fucking good.
Sasheer [00:37:55] It was very tasty. Yeah.
Nicole [00:37:57] Oh, so good. And then he made us get sky juice, which is essentially a White Russian with condensed milk, rum, and something else very sweet and, like, really, really tasty. Then we went to the Queen’s Staircase.
Sasheer [00:38:14] That was pretty.
Nicole [00:38:16] It was so pretty. Then Mr. Marley takes us to “the ghetto.”
Sasheer [00:38:20] “The ghetto.”
Nicole [00:38:21] And that is Mr. Marley’s words, not mine. He said, “We saw how the rich people live. Now we’re going to see how the poor people live. We’re going to the ghetto.” So, we go to the ghetto and go up to a man pumping water. We are–I don’t know–talking distance from this man, not even a foot. And he rolls my window down and goes, “Do you want to take a picture of this poor person pumping water?” I rolled up the window, and I was like, “No, Mr. Marley. I think I’m okay.”
Sasheer [00:38:53] Like, because I’ve been on tours in places where they’re like–to show the social economic disparity in this place–“Here’s how the rich people live, here’s how the poor people live.” But from afar. We straight up drove into this neighborhood, and we’re right next to the people who live there. And he rolls his window down and pointed. “There’s a poor person getting water from the one water pump in this town and getting it for his family. Want to take a picture?” “No, Mr. Marley. This is a human. We don’t. We certainly don’t.”
Nicole [00:39:31] We loop around to this woman. She’s in a towel in her backyard. Mr. Marley stops in front of her and goes, “All right, that’s a sour tree. You call it a lemon tree and a banana tree. And there’s a woman in a towel.” And she hears us, and she, like, grabs her towel, looks around, and goes back inside because we’re invading her home.
Sasheer [00:39:57] It was so weird.
Nicole [00:40:00] We’re like, “Mr. Marley, we don’t need this.”
Sasheer [00:40:07] Because I don’t know if any other tours do that. Probably not. But he’s just like, “Here’s a peek behind the curtain. You’re going to get something that no one else sees.” But we were like, “We don’t need to be this close to it. People are living here.”
Nicole [00:40:21] That woman truly was like… This is how I know it never happens. She looked surprised that a taxi stopped in her backyard while she’s in her towel. And then a man points at her and talks about her, and she truly was like, “Uh, what?” So, then we leave the ghetto. And Mr. Marley is like, “You want to get on some jet skis? I have my cousin.” So, we’re like, “All right.” So, we get to this… I can’t even describe where we drove to.
Sasheer [00:40:53] I don’t either. It’s a place. I don’t remember seeing a building. It was, like, a place where boat parts were scattered about.
Nicole [00:41:04] Cars, rocks. Yes, boat parts. No full boats. My jet ski was lowered with a Honda Accord, and I was like, “I don’t think that’s how you’re towing jet skis around. Maybe a truck or something. A Honda Accord?”
Sasheer [00:41:19] And these jet skis were well-worn.
Nicole [00:41:20] Yes. They had seen better days.
Sasheer [00:41:23] The seats were kind of coming apart. They were just. Like, well used.
Nicole [00:41:28] Yes. And before we went out, Sasheer, you had the bigger jet ski, and you were like, “Do you want mine?” And for whatever reason–because normally I’d be like, “Yeah, let me take the bigger one,” but it looked newer–so I was like, “No, no. You can have that one.” Because I worry about my friend. Me? I’m tough, I can take anything. And the world said, “Bet?” So, we’re driving on these jet skis that are beeping.
Sasheer [00:41:53] Yeah, they’re beeping. A little red light is flashing, and they’re beeping. This is also run by children. The boss looks 20, and everyone else is younger than that. And no one is really explaining anything. But thankfully me and Nicole have been on jet skis before, so we didn’t need a whole tutorial. But they’re like, “You get it right?” And we’re like, “Yes.” And we were like, “Do we need to worry about this beeping that’s happening?” And they’re like, “No, no, just ignore that.” And we’re like, “Okay.” And they don’t really tell us where to go.
Nicole [00:42:21] No, they were like, “The ocean is left.” And we were like, “Okay.” And they’re like, “Or you can be in the bay–to the right.” And we’re like, “Oh, we definitely want to go in the ocean.” And they’re like, “All right.”
Sasheer [00:42:29] And I was like, “So are you going with us?” And they’re like, “Oh, do you want us to?” And we’re like, “I mean, if you don’t, we don’t care. Peace out. We’re going to go have an adventure.”
Nicole [00:42:39] So we go out, it’s beeping. And then Sasheer, before we get super far out, goes, “How do we know if these will, like, run out of gas?” And I was like, “They’re not going to run out of gas.” And then Sasheer was like, “Let’s go to that island.” We were really the Christopher Columbuses of the Bahamas, discovering islands that already exist. We were driving around. We’re like 10, 15 miles away from where we started. And, for whatever reason, we were like, “We should go back in.” Oh, maybe it’s because my jet ski started–
Sasheer [00:43:10] No, it’s because we went to get a picture of ourselves. We were having so much fun. It looks beautiful. The sun is shining. I was like, “We gotta get a photo of ourselves.”
Nicole [00:43:17] We’re literally in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and it’s fucking beautiful. So yeah, we were like, “Let’s go inland, get our phones out, so we can take pictures.” And then my jet ski was like, “Nrrrm. Nrrm. Nrrm.” And I looked at Sasheer, and I was like, “I ran out of gas.” And you go, “Should I stay with you?” I was like, “No. You have to go get help.” I understand the thought to be like, “No, I’ll stay here with my friend.” But I was like, “We can’t both just be here. You have to get help.”
Sasheer [00:43:50] I know. But the idea of leaving you in the middle of the ocean really scared me. It didn’t feel safe to have you try to crawl onto mine. But I was, “I can’t leave her here.”
Nicole [00:44:04] “And then we’re just going to leave this jet ski in the middle of the ocean.”
Sasheer [00:44:08] I’d rather leave the jet ski than you!
Nicole [00:44:11] You’re right.
Sasheer [00:44:12] I don’t give a shit about the jet ski; it failed us. But I just didn’t wanna leave you out there, and–I don’t know–you drift out even further into the ocean. I was like, “Okay. I can go fast. I’ll just go back to shore, get someone, come back.”
Nicole [00:44:29] Watching you drive away was the saddest thing in my whole life. I looked around and I was like, “I’m just in the middle of the ocean.” And while you were gone, I figured–it’s like anything really–if you give it a little gas while you’re hitting the on button, it will go forward a little bit. So, like, I got myself maybe half a mile further inland, doing that every couple seconds before it was like, “Goodbye!”
Sasheer [00:44:59] I also just kept trying to look back as I was going because I just wanted to make sure I remembered where you were exactly–trying to find landmarks–because again, we’re in the middle of the ocean. There’s nothing near you. So, I was like, “Okay, we do have to pass a McDonald’s and a Shell station.” I was just trying to make sure I knew exactly where you were. I get it to shore, and I was like, “Hey! Nicole is still stranded out there. She ran out of gas.” And they’re like, “Oh, okay.” They shout to somebody else, like, “Go get a gas can!” Also, there’s no gas on the property because again, this is not a property. We don’t know what this is. And so, someone gets in their car to drive somewhere to go get gas. And then the other guy is kind of standing around. And then they’re like, “Okay, well, if you want to keep going, you can keep going in this Bay area.” And I was like, “I’m not going to go have fun while my best friend is in the middle of the ocean.”
Nicole [00:45:56] Floating in the middle of the ocean. I have no control over the jet ski. I’m just drifting around.
Sasheer [00:46:04] And they’re like, “Okay. You can just, like–” And I was like, “Someone needs to make a move! Get on my jet ski! Get a different jet ski! What’s happening? We need to go get her!” And they’re like, “Okay.” And so, some child gets on my jet ski with me, and then we drive out really fast to get you. And that’s when he decided to look in the front compartments of both of our jet ski. And he goes, “Oh, man… There’s no rope. It’s on the shore.” And I was like, “Why didn’t we look for the rope before we made the journey?” And his bright idea was to sit on the back of my jet ski and hold the front of Nicole’s jet ski with his bare hands.
Nicole [00:46:47] And then Sasheer drove so slow.
Sasheer [00:46:50] He told me to go really slow.
Nicole [00:46:53] He’d be like, “More gas. More gas. No, no, no, no, no! Too much!” for a very long time. It took you, like, 10 minutes to get back to me. I was like, “This is going to take a hundred years for this to happen.”
Sasheer [00:47:07] And I was so flabbergasted, it didn’t occur to me to be like, “Hey, we should just go back and get rope because that would be much faster than me going so slow across the ocean for you to manually pull the jet ski.” And then eventually someone got an adult, thank God. And then he came out with a gas can, and he was like, “Go to that shore. It’s closer.”
Nicole [00:47:33] But before that, they tried to fill my jet ski on the moving water–before the adult was like, “No, no. Go to that little alcove over there.” So, then he pulls us to this alcove. This took a very long time. And then I get off the jet ski. The adult goes away, and then two more adults come.
Sasheer [00:47:56] Two more children come.
Nicole [00:47:56] Oh, yes, two more children come. And then they’re filling my jet ski while that kid– Who P.S. has been saying the whole time, “We only work for tips. Nobody will pay me.” And I was like, “Yeah, I wouldn’t pay you either. You’re bad at this.” And he’s doing donuts on your jet ski while the other guy is filling the jet ski. And then you’re holding the jet ski, so it doesn’t fucking float away.
Sasheer [00:48:21] Because the jet ski was still in the water, not tethered to anything. And he has a gas can in his hand. And the jet ski’s slowly floating out into the ocean. And he’s, like, following it with the gas can, trying to fill it. And so, I grab it to keep it stationary, and he’s like, “You have to do that.” And I was like, “I do because what else would happen? You would just follow it further into the sea?” And then the other kid’s truly having a joyride. The issue was we didn’t have enough gas. “Why are you expelling more gas on the other jet ski? That is the only other option for us to get back to where we belong.” And then finally, it’s full. He goes back with my jet ski. And then they’re both actually having a joyride on both of the jet skis. And so, we’re just watching them.
Nicole [00:49:13] We’re just standing there, being like, “What is happening?” And then they come back in, and the child goes, “Get on from the back.” And it’s shallow enough that I think I’m fine getting on from the side–the way I’ve been getting on. And he’s like, “Get on from the back.” And I was like, “Hey. I’m going to get on this jet ski the way I feel comfortable, which is just from the side.” I get on–fine. Everything’s great. Then he tells Sasheer to get on the back of my jet ski, and I was like, “Okay. She is going to get on. We’ll share. Those two will share. The other two children have theirs.” And then for whatever reason, that child, who pulled my jet ski with his hands, decides to get on in between Sasheer and me. And Sasheer sees what’s happening and bails.
Sasheer [00:50:00] I just jump off because the whole thing is dipping to the side. I was like, “Well, this makes no sense.” So, I just get off to lighten the load. And he still tried to climb.
Nicole [00:50:11] To counterbalance it. And I just, like, grip the handles and try to lean the other way, but it’s not enough. I was like, “Oh no.” I just slowly fall over, and I’m, like, thrown from this jet ski. And it was, like, deep enough that it was okay. But had we been in a little bit more, I probably would have hit my head on just the floor of the ocean.
Sasheer [00:50:41] Yeah, you were fully submerged. You fully dunked into the water. And it was so crazy to watch because your body was so stiff. You were trying to, like, counterbalance it, but your body was just so rigor mortis stiff that you just, with the jet ski, fall to the side and plunge into the water. And they were just watching this. And I was like, “I don’t understand.”
Nicole [00:51:06] No, but the other two guys could have caught the front of. The other guy behind us could have stepped in and tried to pull it down. Not one person helped. And then I pop up, and there’s a man on the other side of the fence, who’s not on the beach, pointing and laughing at me. I was like, “I can’t. This is not right.” And then that child’s like, “Get on the jet ski.” I was like, “Give me a sec.” He’s like, “Get on the jet ski.” I was like, “You have to give me one second.” He’s like, “Get on the jet ski.” And I was like, “I’m just really pissed right now. So, if you could just give me a moment.” And then the other guy was like, “Hey, bro. Chill out. Are you okay?” And I was like, “Finally. I just wanted someone to ask if I was okay.” And you had asked if I was okay. I was like, “One of these people I don’t know needs to ask me if I’m okay.” And I was like, “I’m fine.” We get back on the jet ski. We get back to the weird place. The guy who owns the companies like, “Uh oh. Did you get wet?” And I was like, “Who, me? I’m not wet. This isn’t water. What do you mean?” He was like. “Hahaha.” And then later he was like, “Oh, I was really asking if you got wet.” And I was like, “I’m soaking wet. Why did you ask?”
Sasheer [00:52:16] Because he had no idea what happened. He was not part of the calamity that happened. But you were dripping head to toe. He’s like, “Uh oh, did you get a little wet?” “Yeah, man. Fully submerged.”
Nicole [00:52:28] So angry. And then that child told him what happened. And then he kind of yelled at that kid, and I was like, “Good. Good. Everything he did was incorrect and bad.” And then Mr. Marley was like, “Well, that’s how it goes.” I was like, “Okay, Mr. Marley. Thank you.” We paid also for, like, an hour or an hour and a half. We did have a solid 45 minutes of glorious fun.
Sasheer [00:52:52] Yes, but just the way they justified it was like, “We don’t usually go that far,” or something like that. But it’s like, “You should at least have enough gas for the time we’re going to be on the jet skis.”
Nicole [00:53:07] Yeah. And also tell us how far we could go. It was wild. We went so far.
Sasheer [00:53:14] We went so far. Thank God we were close enough to shore. If we had gotten stranded by that island. Oh, my God.
Nicole [00:53:22] That would have been bad.
Sasheer [00:53:25] So I think we’re going to have to put a pin in the rest of the story because there’s so much. We’ll do a part two.
Nicole [00:53:34] Every day. Every day something happened.
Sasheer [00:53:35] Oh, man. Yeah, we’ll get to it later. But that was maybe the first two days?
Nicole [00:53:45] Yeah, I think that was two and a half days in the Bahamas. We were there for six days. Usually we answer questions, but we didn’t get to it in this episode. But if you would like to ask us a question, we have an email address. It is email@example.com. We also have a phone number. You can send a text, a voicemail, or a voice note and that’s 424-645-7003.
Sasheer [00:54:17] We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.
Nicole [00:54:20] Ooh, guess what? If you like reading, we have transcripts of our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.
Sasheer [00:54:29] Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support this show.
Nicole [00:54:35] Yeah.
Sasheer [00:54:38] All right, Nicole. Until next time.
Nicole [00:54:39] Until next time! I really love the way that you said, “All right, Nicole. Until next time.” Oh, that got me good.
Sasheer [00:54:51] Same place, same time!
Nicole [00:54:53] That’s who we are. We release on Wednesdays, right?
Sasheer [00:54:57] We sure do. Okay, bye, bye.
Nicole [00:55:03] Bye.
November 21, 2023
This week, we’ve got a couch! And we’re live from the Netflix Is A Joke festival!