EP. 192 — Nicole Thought Sasheer Was Breaking Up With Her

BF_192_20230126_JDv02_DYN.m4a

Nicole [00:00:11] Excuse me, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:00:12] Oh. Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there.

Nicole [00:00:16] Oh, I’ve been here for a minute. Hello?

Sasheer [00:00:19] Oh, my goodness. You caught me off guard.

Nicole [00:00:23] Oh my God. Oh my God. Not paying attention to me. A

Sasheer [00:00:28] I’m sorry.

Nicole [00:00:29] It’s okay.

Sasheer [00:00:30] Happy Valentine’s Day.

Nicole [00:00:32] Happy Valentine’s.

Sasheer [00:00:35] “Valentine’s.”

Nicole [00:00:36] Yeah, I like saying it like that. It’s fun. Happy Valentine’s.

Sasheer [00:00:40] We’ve never celebrated Galentine’s together.

Nicole [00:00:43] No, we sure haven’t because it’s a sad holiday that single ladies made up to be like, “We’re okay, too!” Guess what. We’re not. That’s not a holiday for us. We just have to abstain! Stay inside and be sad!

Sasheer [00:01:05] “Close your blinds! Turn off the lights!”

Nicole [00:01:10] “Don’t look outside! The people are kissing!”

Sasheer [00:01:18] I guess I never thought to, like, celebrate Galentine’s with you because I feel like we should celebrate each other whenever, right?

Nicole [00:01:29] Yeah.

Sasheer [00:01:30] You sent me flowers the other day. It was so sweet.

Nicole [00:01:35] I did. Because it was your… I mean, I don’t want to bring this up. I’m embarrassed about it because it said, “Happy Second Day of Work.” And it came on a day that you weren’t working because your first day happened, then you had two days off, and your second day wasn’t until… It’s not even– It wasn’t–

Sasheer [00:01:53] It’s okay!

Nicole [00:01:53] I sent them, and it said, “Happy Second–”

Sasheer [00:01:57] It’s better that it happened while I was home because no one would be able to receive them. They would’ve been sent to an empty house, and then maybe they would have gotten taken or rained on. So, it’s a good thing that it wasn’t actually my second day at work because I would’ve been at work.

Nicole [00:02:14] Okay. I guess you’re right, but I’m still deeply embarrassed about it.

Sasheer [00:02:18] Don’t be embarrassed.

Nicole [00:02:20] I should have had it sent to your job. Put it in your trailer. That’s what I should have done.

Sasheer [00:02:24] I love that it’s at my house because then if it’s at my trailer I have to, like, lug flowers home with all my stuff. I think it happened perfectly.

Nicole [00:02:34] Okay, good. Yeah. We celebrate each other all the time. And then go on trips together.

Sasheer [00:02:40] They’re very romantic. You know, sometimes we’re in honeymoon suites or we have, like, a Jacuzzi tub all to ourselves.

Nicole [00:02:50] That was like in Costa Rica. That was, like, a pretty romantic room. Everyone was, like, sisters. Everywhere we go, people are always, like, sisters. And then when we went to Miami, I was like, “I proposed to her,” and nobody cared.

Sasheer [00:03:06] But I think the problem with that is that you gave too many details that made it unrealistic. You were like, “Oh, I proposed to her. We were on jet skis, and I dropped the ring. But she said yes anyway.” I was like, “They’re not going to believe that.”

Nicole [00:03:21] You’re right. You’re right. I gotta keep it simple. Be like, “This is the love of my life. I proposed one day.” And they’ll go, “Oh, okay.” But, yeah, I don’t know. I just… Honestly, Valentine’s Day–I don’t want to hang out with my girlfriends. I don’t hang out with other friends. It’s not for me. We should have a different day called Friendship Day. And it should happen in April.

Sasheer [00:03:51] It’s not even related to Valentine’s Day. Yeah. I like that.

Nicole [00:03:55] Right? Where you just, like, hang out with your friends. You go, “Friendship. Friendship. Everybody, everywhere. Friendship. Friendship. Friendship. Everybody, do your share. Friendship. Friendship.” You know.

Sasheer [00:04:09] Yeah. I actually recommitted my love to you recently.

Nicole [00:04:13] You did. And I thought you were breaking up with me.

Sasheer [00:04:19] I read a book called Stepping off the Relationship Escalator. It’s about, like, unconventional relationships, like romantic or not or whatever. And just that it doesn’t have to be, like, step by step. You date, you get married, you have kids–if you don’t want that, there’s other options. And there’s some parts in there about friendship–about how sometimes we take the friendship that we have for granted or, like, sidestep them because we think they’re not as important as the romantic relationships in our life. That’s an escalator thought process. And it doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be that way. Except for some partnerships, sometimes the friendship is more important than your romantic relationship or whatever. You can choose whatever you want. And so, I read that, and it made me think of you because when we met 1,700 years ago…

Nicole [00:05:17] Back in the stone ages–dinosaurs were roaming.

Sasheer [00:05:23] The connection we had was, like, the deepest love I had experienced at that point. And I feel like over time, we’ve gone in and out of that because of the romantic relationships that have been in our lives. But I was like, “You know, I like the idea of not thinking about that and just being like, ‘She’s a priority,’” because you are a priority in my life. And, you know, if romance is in there, that’s great, too. But it doesn’t have to be like, “Move aside, Nicole. This new person is my top priority or whatever,” because you were here the whole damn time.

Nicole [00:06:05] Yeah, I’m not fucking going anywhere!

Sasheer [00:06:10] And yeah, I started saying that. I was like, “I read this book. It was talking about friendships,” and you were like, “Are you breaking up with me?” And I was like, “No, let me finish my sentence.”

Nicole [00:06:21] I got so scared that you were breaking up with me. And I was like, “I can’t believe she would do this over the phone. I can’t believe she’s in a different state breaking up with me.” I was really distraught for, like, 30 second. I get distraught and, like, really emotional in spurts–like 10 seconds where I’m like, “Oh no! My world!” But then it was funny you said that. And I was like, “That’s how I feel!” People will come in and out of my life, but Sasheer’s a constant and that’s my person. And I said this to my therapist, where I’m like, “I love her so much! I don’t want to, like, fuck or nothing like that. But I just love her, and I want to be near her at all times!” I was trying to give you and your man some space once. And I truly made up something in my head, where I was like, “Sasheer needs space for a man. I’m going to just do that. That’s, like, me being kind.” And I said that to my therapist, and she was like, “Well, did she ask for that?” And I was like, “No.” And she was like, “Then why are you doing it?” And I was like, “I love her so much, I don’t know. I just want her to be happy at all times.” Sometimes I think my therapist thinks I’m crazy, but she’ll just be like, “Let’s hold space for that.” And every time she says, “Let’s hold space for that,” I’m like, “Did I overwhelm her? Is that too much? Why are we holding space? Why are we holding so much space all the time?”

Sasheer [00:07:51] She’s like, “Let’s hold space and give me time to think about how to respond to this.”

Nicole [00:07:59] “How to respond to this woman being obsessed with her friend.” But yeah, you’re the most important relationship I’ve ever had in my whole life. And it’s nice because, like, I don’t gotta do nothing. I just show up. That’s it. You don’t expect anything from me. It’s not like we hang out and then I feel like, “Oh, I wasn’t funny enough. I wasn’t entertaining enough.” Like, we can just sit, send each other memes, giggle, and have a nice time. And I like that. Boy, oh boy, do I like that.

Sasheer [00:08:39] I like that, too.

Nicole [00:08:41] I’m glad you didn’t break up with me. I’m not sure what I would have done if you had.

Sasheer [00:08:46] I can’t imagine that.

Nicole [00:08:47] I just got so sad.

Sasheer [00:08:49] Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. It’s not going to happen.

Nicole [00:08:57] I was like, “Can I get on a plane? That’s crazy. You can’t do that.”

Sasheer [00:09:03] To do what? To come to me?

Nicole [00:09:05] If you broke up with me, I’d be like, “Are you sure?”

Sasheer [00:09:08] You just show up at my doorstep, like, “Give me another chance!”

Nicole [00:09:12] “Please be my friend!” I don’t know. That sounds insane. What would you do if I broke up with you?

Sasheer [00:09:19] Oh, God. What would I do? I would want some clarity, so I’d be like, “Can you please explain what the heck is happening.”

Nicole [00:09:30] That’s smarter than getting on a plane.

Sasheer [00:09:33] Yeah, I wouldn’t get on a plane immediately. And then maybe I would hold space. Maybe I’d be like, “You know what? Maybe she needs a moment to chill or, like, process what’s happening.” And then if after a while, you’re like, “No, I’m absolutely certain that you’re not my friend anymore,” then maybe I would get on a plane.

Nicole [00:09:56] I hate this conversation. You said something that I hypothetically would say, and I gasped at that. I hate this. This is bad, okay? I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You’re my friend forever. In fact, the other day, I said, “Can we die together?” And you said, “Are you trying to commit suicide with me?” I said, “No, in our old age. Can we just get on a lot of boats, so, like, we’ll be together if a boating accident happens?”

Sasheer [00:10:29] Yeah, because we were like, “If one of us dies before the other, it’ll be really hard for the other person. So, we have to figure out a way to die together.” I mean, I guess if we both died in a boating accident, at least it’d be fun on the way out.

Nicole [00:10:48] Yeah, we’d have a great time. Probably, like, there was food there.

Sasheer [00:10:53] We love that.

Nicole [00:10:54] We love food on a boat. Okay, here’s what I need from our next vacation: something in between the speed boat we were on in Bahamas, and then the dolphin-watching snorkeling boat we were on in Hawaii. And I think the inbetween is we have to rent a yacht–just, like, fully rent a yacht and be like, “Here are the things we’d like to do on this yacht”–because I felt like we were rushed on all of them.

Sasheer [00:11:22] Yeah, we need our own yacht and captain so that we can just chill and take our time.

Nicole [00:11:27] Yes. But then I was like, “Should we invite more people?” But that didn’t go well last time.

Sasheer [00:11:36] It is hard because we keep trying to audition people to be good travel buddies with us, and we have yet to find anyone who’s met the magical company.

Nicole [00:11:46] We really have been. It’s really funny.

Sasheer [00:11:50] Except for Tess. Tess is in.

Nicole [00:11:51] Tessy’s good at traveling. She’s a very good time. Maybe we’ll get on the yacht with Tess.

Sasheer [00:11:55] Yeah. No more? Just the three of us?

Nicole [00:11:58] I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anybody else. I was like, “Um… Okay.” Maybe Mateo. But wait, you just told me Mateo can’t swim.

Sasheer [00:12:12] Yeah, that’s what he told us. He can’t swim. I mean, I’m sure he would still enjoy a yacht, but he won’t swim?

Nicole [00:12:18] Wild. You know who I keep thinking about from our trip? That little boy, Hudson. I’d like to know where Hudson is right now. I mean, I doubt his parents listen to the podcast. If anyone knows of a little boy named Hudson who went to Bahamas over New Years with his family, please let me know he’s okay. I just can’t stop thinking about him and how everyone kept yelling at him.

Sasheer [00:12:44] Do we really need someone to call the podcast to give us a check in on a child? I don’t know how I feel about that.

Nicole [00:12:51] I hate when you say things like that because that sounds really creepy.

Sasheer [00:12:55] That’s what I’m saying. There’s nothing actually illegal or wrong about it. Do we really want someone to call and be like, “Yeah, I do know that kid, and here’s an update on his life”?

Nicole [00:13:07] Okay. All right. Listen, sometimes things gotta be said out loud for you to go, “That’s not it.” And you’re right. That’s not it. In my brain, it was just an innocent little “I know Hudson’s family. They’re nice people. He’s thriving.”

Sasheer [00:13:26] What about worst case scenario–they’re like, “Yeah, I know that family. They’re constantly yelling at Hudson, making him do things he doesn’t want to do. And he’s always complaining and asking for help.”

Nicole [00:13:36] “We’re just trying to emancipate Hudson. Thank you for bringing attention to this.”

Sasheer [00:13:40] Yeah. “This court is taking a really long time. Maybe with the publicity of this podcast, we can really help Hudson get a new family.”

Nicole [00:13:49] All right. You’re right. Don’t ask around about Hudson. Leave him alone. Oh my God. I’m tired of the coldness. Can I just say that? I would like the warmth to come back.

Sasheer [00:14:13] Yeah, same.

Nicole [00:14:14] But I know as soon as it gets super warm, I’ll be like, “I wish it was cold again.” Just sick of it. Ooh. All my paintings are here.

Sasheer [00:14:27] Oh, all 500 paintings that you got?

Nicole [00:14:30] I bought 32 paintings for my home, which is… too much. They’re all in my living room, and I was like, “I think… I think I did too much.”

Sasheer [00:14:43] I can’t even visualize you having that much wall space because you already have stuff on some of your walls.

Nicole [00:14:52] Yeah. I wasn’t thinking when I did it. I was just like, “I’ll get this and this and this…” It was on Cherish. And they were only $200. Some were 300. I think I only bought two things more expensive than my pig painting. Truly, my pig painting is one of the most expensive things in this house.

Sasheer [00:15:10] It’s really funny.

Nicole [00:15:11] And I won’t show it to anyone because it’s mine. Mine alone. Do you have paintings in your house?

Sasheer [00:15:22] Not up. I have some paintings I’ve, like, acquired over years. But I keep looking at them, and I’m like, “Do I just need to reframe these, or do I not connect with them anymore?” I can’t tell if I’ve outgrown or, like, just don’t relate to these paintings anymore. And then any time I do see art that I really like and connect with, I ask how much it is and I’m like, “I’m not paying that.” So, I don’t know.

Nicole [00:15:54] Yes! Some of it was, like, $8,000 for one painting. And I get it; I would like to be paid for my talents as well. But boy, oh boy, is that expensive. And then I found out that some of it is, like prints and they’re not even, like, original pieces that are $8000. I was like, “Wait, I’m getting a replica, and it’s that much money? You all have lost your minds. That’s wild!”

Sasheer [00:16:23] “Y’all have lost your mind.”

Nicole [00:16:26] But I got a lot of vintage stuff–a lot of stuff from, like, the ’80s and stuff. And then I found a lady who paints, I commissioned something from her–that’s a little bit more expensive–and then a bunch of, like, old stuff that was original to… I don’t know, I guess people found from Cherish and stuff. I don’t know. We’ll see what it looks like when I put them all up. All 32 of them.

Sasheer [00:16:53] I can’t wait. Did you figure out what to do with that Sonic rug?

Nicole [00:16:59] No. It’s just here.

Sasheer [00:17:02] Is it on the floor at least?

Nicole [00:17:04] It is on the floor.

Sasheer [00:17:05] I love it when you pick it up!

Nicole [00:17:12] It’s so small!

Sasheer [00:17:14] It’s so small. It’s really cool, but it’s, like, not functional.

Nicole [00:17:19] No. And it’s just, like, in my office. And I just, like, look at him, and I’m like, “Why are you so small?” But then I was like, “What was I thinking? Where was I going to put a Sonic rug?” Like, I have a pretty strong aesthetic, and it’s not Sonic rugs.

Sasheer [00:17:34] It is pretty out of place for your whole house.

Nicole [00:17:40] It’s absolutely insane. But I was like, “You know what I gotta do? Buy a Sonic rug.” And it was expensive! So, I thought it was going to be, like, an area rug. I thought it was going to be so much bigger. Wow. I got that little Sonic rug that’s… I don’t know. It’s, like, a foot tall. It’s so small.

Sasheer [00:18:02] Very funny.

Nicole [00:18:02] Oh, and here’s another thing. Who reads measurements when you’re ordering things? I ordered a painting. It was $85. I said, “What a deal!” I opened it. It was like five by five. I was like, “What? Is this a painting for ants? This is so small! Who? Why?” It’s so small.

Sasheer [00:18:21] Five inches by five inches?

Nicole [00:18:23] Yes! Actually, maybe it’s, like, three by five. It’s like a Post-it. And I feel like it should have been, like, “Warning. Warning. Look at the dimensions.”

Sasheer [00:18:33] “Red alert.”

Nicole [00:18:40] Oh well…

Sasheer [00:18:43] Occasionally I’ll see a picture of someone buying something on Amazon, and then they get, like, a really tiny replica of the thing or just a picture of the thing. And I’m like, “How were they able to get away with that?”

Nicole [00:19:01] I don’t know. A friend of mine–you know him–but he bought a thing of creatine. And the picture on Amazon was a big thing, like a big canister. And when it came, it was, like, a doll sized canister. It was so small. And it made me laugh so hard. Have you ever seen Emily Heller’s tweet about the mat she bought on Amazon?

Sasheer [00:19:24] Oh, yes. That was a piece of paper, right?

Nicole [00:19:27] It was, like, a foam thing where they printed a picture of the mat on the foam thing.

Sasheer [00:19:33] Insane.

Nicole [00:19:35] God, it made me laugh so hard. What other stuff are you going to buy for your house? Or are you done decorating for now?

Sasheer [00:19:47] I think I’ll just wait till I get back home.

Nicole [00:19:49] Fair.

Sasheer [00:19:49] But I do need things on the wall. Is that it? I don’t think I really have other needs. As far as, like, decor.

Nicole [00:19:57] Well, you did a good job of, like, decorating it as soon as you moved in.

Sasheer [00:20:00] Thank you so much.

Nicole [00:20:01] You’re welcome. I was worried that I was never going to ever make money again, so I didn’t decorate for a very long time.

Sasheer [00:20:08] Well, I, like, went to estate sales like it was my job. And I would go every weekend and get stuff. I was, like, pretty quickly full.

Nicole [00:20:17] Yeah. And you did such a good job. John Millhiser–my old roommate–every time there’s an earthquake, posts this video that he made where he walks into the living room and it’s a tray of cups and he goes, “Who wants cups? Whoaaaa!” And then the cups go flying.

Sasheer [00:20:31] That’s really funny.

Nicole [00:20:36] And he recorded that in the TV room when I first got the house. So, it looks so weird and different. There’s no wallpaper. There’s, like, a weird bookcase that’s now in my office. The color is this awful, awful, like, beigey color because I didn’t change anything for such a long time. I can’t believe I lived in it looking like that. Oooh, yuck.

Sasheer [00:21:02] Ew!

Nicole [00:21:02] Nasty!

Sasheer [00:21:08] Yeah, maybe one day I’ll paint. Most of the walls are white. There’s, like, a couple accent walls. And then the dining room is still, like, a mint green–it was when I moved in. I would change the color of the fun room, which is my TV room.

Nicole [00:21:25] Yes. It’s, like, a pink? Salmon?

Sasheer [00:21:28] The curtains are pink, but the walls are green. The walls are green, and there’s, like, wallpaper. And it’s, like, good for now, but… Even today, I would want to change that to whatever I want because it’s just what the previous owner had.

Nicole [00:21:45] It is… Okay. So, I’ve been sucked into a realm of Instagram where I watch people take old cabinets, nightstands, and dressers, and they, like, sand them, take the veneer off, and then paint them. And there’s so many that I was like, “Why not restore and put a stain on it? Wood is so pretty sometimes.” And I say this as a woman who has, like, a painted lacquer cabinet in my house. But some things–I’m like, “I don’t know. Not everything should be painted.”

Sasheer [00:22:24] Yeah, you sent me one where it had maybe a fan design on or something. Someone just filled it in and made it smooth, like flush. And I was like, “Why are you taking away the character of this thing? That sucks.”

Nicole [00:22:38] I feel like that’s everything now. Architecture–it’s all these little boxes that look alike. Furniture is all, like, very minimalistic. And it all looks the same. I watched this lady–she was like, “They told me not to, but I did it!” She painted her whole staircase white. And it was this beautiful wood. It was beautiful. And it was, like, a Craftsman, so there was a ton of wood around it as well. So, she painted the window sills white. Everything was painted white. And I was like, “Then why did you buy a Craftsman with so much wood in it if you just wanted a white house? Don’t buy a Craftsman. Leave that for somebody who wants a Craftsman!” I was so mad about this Craftsman. I just don’t get it. I don’t like a lot of renovations; I think they’re really, really bad.

Sasheer [00:23:31] Yeah, it would be nice if they could retain some of the original feel.

Nicole [00:23:38] Character?

Sasheer [00:23:38] Character!

Nicole [00:23:42] I would like to pitch to HGTV. Obviously, I can’t do it; I don’t know how to do it. But I would like a show where they take away all the weird shit that people do to houses and then, like, find the tile in the bathroom that was original and shine it up and shit. That’s another thing I’ve uncovered on Instagram, where people just lay tile on tile. So, if you go deep enough sometimes, you’ll find the original tile. Oh, interesting. I watched one video where there was three layers of tile over this beautiful 1920s art deco tile.

Sasheer [00:24:18] Whoa.

Nicole [00:24:22] Instagram be serving it to me.

Sasheer [00:24:25] But I guess, like, you know, there’s different trends and people are probably like, “This Art Deco is so out of style,” even though they were like, “Are you kidding me? Please use it.”

Nicole [00:24:39] But there’s lots of timeless things. You know?

Sasheer [00:24:44] You know?

Nicole [00:24:45] You know?

Kimmie [00:24:53] So real quick, Nicole, would you like a nacho update?

Nicole [00:25:01] Yes! Nacho! Nacho! Kimmie’s Nacho Corner.

Kimmie [00:25:06] Oh, this would be a cute segment. So, I scoured for specifically ground beef, like taco meat nachos, and you’re right that they’re harder to find than you’d think. But I actually found two places in Los Angeles.

Nicole [00:25:18] Okay.

Kimmie [00:25:19] There are probably way more. It’s just, like, tricky to tell with websites. I’ll send you both of these. But the two places–I want to shout them out. Sky’s Gourmet Tacos. And they do a really nice classic ground beef nacho. I called them to confirm, and they confirmed over the phone. I just wanted to know. And then the second one–they have one in, like, Venice Beach and then another one in the city. It is called Plancha Tacos, and they do ground beef. They were listed on Eater. A ground beef nacho. So, I’m going to send you both.

Nicole [00:25:55] Thank you! I can’t believe I have to go to the Westside for this.

Kimmie [00:25:58] I know, but it is within an hour.

Nicole [00:26:03] It is. It is. Thank you, Kimmie.

Kimmie [00:26:03] The best rated ones we’re in really far south. And I was like, “Shoot.” So, I hope you have a nice Valentine’s Day eating nachos. Or hope you did by the time this comes out.

Nicole [00:26:12] When this comes out, I will have worn my red dress, eaten my nachos, shunned people on dates, hit them, and spat at them.

Sasheer [00:26:22] Oh my God. You’re a menace.

Nicole [00:26:24] Pushed them down, and said, “How does your love feel now?” Just kidding. People deserve love. If you’re in love, like, whatever. I hope it’s nice for you. Does that sound nice and sincere?

Sasheer [00:26:39] No!

Nicole [00:26:41] Okay, I’ll try again. “Isn’t it nice that you found love and stuff and you’re showing it off?” Does that sound nicer?

Sasheer [00:26:51] Sure.

Nicole [00:26:52] Thank you.

Sasheer [00:26:54] I’m afraid to make you do it again.

Nicole [00:26:56] Okay. Do you want to pick this one?

Sasheer [00:27:01] Okay. “I know what phenomenal movie wedding dress you should wear based off the fantasy love life you craft.”

Nicole [00:27:09] Honestly, that’s the one I was looking at too.

Sasheer [00:27:14] Nice!

Nicole [00:27:15] Okay. “What would be your partner’s career?”

Sasheer [00:27:19] “A college professor.”

Nicole [00:27:26] “A deejay.”

Sasheer [00:27:27] “A fashion designer.”

Nicole [00:27:29] “Nurse.” These are wild professions. He can’t be a college professor because I don’t want them fucking students. Deejay–you’re out too late at night. Nurse–you might bring home the sick. Fashion designer–you can make shit for me. Fashion designer–final answer.

Sasheer [00:27:53] I think I would say college professor. For some reason, there’s something very romantic about that. I feel like there’s a lot of male love interests in romantic comedies who are college professors.

Nicole [00:28:03] I think you’re right.

Sasheer [00:28:04] Yeah, I want someone smart. And I would just hope that they would not fuck their students.

Nicole [00:28:11] I mean, one can only wish and hope.

Sasheer [00:28:15] “Where would your wedding take place?”

Nicole [00:28:19] “Historic manor house.”

Sasheer [00:28:21] “A zoo.”

Nicole [00:28:26] “A favorite restaurant or bar.” Yeah, I want to get married right next to this elephant taking a huge dump.

Sasheer [00:28:37] “A city loft.”

Nicole [00:28:39] Okay. Can’t have it at a historic manor house because I watched this movie called The Invitation where this girl goes to this historic manor house, and it turns out that it was not what she thought it was going to be. I didn’t want to ruin it in case you go see it. Okay. The zoo? I don’t want animals dumping on my dress. I’m not getting married in a bar or restaurant. I will get married in a city loft. Final answer.

Sasheer [00:29:01] Hmm. These are, like, not…

Nicole [00:29:05] Sasheer, you want to get married next to a giraffe?

Sasheer [00:29:10] I mean, no, but it would be an interesting choice. Maybe I’d say favorite bar or restaurant because then you can have fun with a, like, reception after, too.

Nicole [00:29:25] Okay. Fair.

Sasheer [00:29:27] “Dream honeymoon destination.”

Nicole [00:29:31] “Glass pyramid and dog sled in Lapland.”

Sasheer [00:29:37] Okay.

Nicole [00:29:38] Why are all those words together?

Sasheer [00:29:43] I don’t know what a glass pyramid is either, but I guess it’s just… Is it like Glass Onion?

Nicole [00:29:54] We watched Glass Onion! That is pretty. Oh my God.

Sasheer [00:29:57] Ooh.

Nicole [00:29:58] So you get to live in a pyramid glass?

Sasheer [00:30:01] Where is Lapland?

Sasheer [00:30:02] I believe it’s North Sweden. I could be wrong.

Nicole [00:30:06] I do want to go to Sweden.

Sasheer [00:30:09] This is really pretty.

Nicole [00:30:10] This is pretty. Might be too cold, though.

Sasheer [00:30:13] Definitely too cold for me? “A wildlife cruise to the South Pole.”

Nicole [00:30:19] Also cold. “Tour of Egypt.”

Sasheer [00:30:23] “Cooking lessons in Italy.”

Nicole [00:30:25] What do you think, Sasheer?

Sasheer [00:30:27] I’m going to say Egypt. That sounds pretty cool.

Nicole [00:30:30] That does sound cool. For the sake of being different, I’ll say “cooking lessons in Italy.” I just won’t go to Rome. I’ll go to a different part of Italy. “Pick your joint wedding gift.”

Sasheer [00:30:44] “A pottery wheel.”

Nicole [00:30:46] “Kitchen appliances.”

Sasheer [00:30:47] “Bookcases and a gift card to help fill it.”

Nicole [00:30:52] “Matching watches.” Who did I invite? These guests suck!

Sasheer [00:30:54] I guess I need kitchen appliances. But a pottery wheel sounds cool.

Nicole [00:31:06] You don’t cook.

Sasheer [00:31:07] Nor do I do pottery.

Nicole [00:31:12] I was also going to choose pottery wheel, so I could reenact Ghost with my future partner.

Sasheer [00:31:17] You should do that. I’m going to say kitchen appliances so that I just have them. So, someone could cook if they wanted to in my home.

Nicole [00:31:27] Okay. All right. I like that. “Matching watches?” Like, who wants that? Haven’t we moved past, like, expensive watches? What’s a watch?

Sasheer [00:31:37] Well, it didn’t say “expensive.” It said, “matching watches.”

Nicole [00:31:40] Who wants to watch? Haven’t we moved past watches in general?

Sasheer [00:31:43] You have a watch!

Nicole [00:31:45] I do? Oh, yeah. I never wear it.

Sasheer [00:31:48] It’s an Apple Watch.

Nicole [00:31:50] You’re right. And I never wear it.

Sasheer [00:31:52] “Which feature would you want for your dream home?”

Nicole [00:31:55] “Lots of bedrooms to have a family.”

Sasheer [00:31:59] “A home gym.”

Nicole [00:32:02] “Plenty of space to roam in privacy.”

Sasheer [00:32:05] “Music room.” Well, you know, I love plenty of space to roam in privacy.

Nicole [00:32:11] Yeah. And I don’t need a music room. I’m not, like, making music. I certainly don’t want a home gym. I would love lots of bedrooms, but I don’t want a family. Family don’t have to be people. Family is whatever you make it to be. Shoes are my family. Lots of bedrooms to have a family.

Sasheer [00:32:37] “Shoes are my family.” Okay.

Nicole [00:32:39] Well, because I don’t want, like, children or anything. Yuck.

Sasheer [00:32:44] “Yuck!”

Nicole [00:32:45] Sasheer, have you, like, actually thought about having kids?

Sasheer [00:32:47] I guess I have thought about it.

Nicole [00:32:49] I had, like, a really in-depth thought session about it, and it was really upsetting.

Sasheer [00:32:54] What happened in this thought session?

Nicole [00:32:57] Oh, I like, really thought about it. And I was like, “Oh, I have no intentions of ever changing my lifestyle to accommodate a human that’s little and stuff. It doesn’t deserve to be in my life.”

Sasheer [00:33:09] “Deserve to be in my life.”

Nicole [00:33:11] I mean, they don’t. They’re in my life because of circumstance. I gave birth to them, so they have to be in my life. And, like, that’s not how I want any of my friendships to begin. Do you know what I’m saying? Like, I want the other person to have autonomy and, like, be able to make a choice.

Sasheer [00:33:30] “I want this child to choose to be in my life, okay? I don’t want you to feel attached to me or you owe me something. I want you to just exist. And if you want to be in my life, come see me.”

Nicole [00:33:42] Yes. More or less, yes. After I got super deep in that thought process, I was like, “Oh, I think I’m one of those people that really shouldn’t have a kid.” I don’t think people who have kids think about things like that. they don’t think about their child making the choice as to whether or not they want to be in their life. It’s a fucking baby. Like, it can’t make a choice. And that’s like another problem I have. “You can’t tell me you’re hungry? Bitch, grow up.”

Sasheer [00:34:11] “What do you want?”

Nicole [00:34:14] “Grow up, learn some words, and tell me what’s up.”

Sasheer [00:34:17] Yeah. It’s a really good point.

Nicole [00:34:21] Yeah. So, I was like, “I can’t do this. I can’t ever.” I don’t know. Every time I see a baby, I’m like, “Yum, yum, yum, yum.” But as soon as I hold that baby and I go home, I’m satiated. Like, all my body wants is to be near a baby for a little bit. And I’m like, “I just have to remember that.” It’s not a permanent thing. I would be a bad mom, and I know it. Okay. “What would be the first party you host after getting married?”

Sasheer [00:34:49] “A karaoke party!”

Nicole [00:34:55] “Gingerbread house decorating contest.”

Sasheer [00:34:57] “Video Game tournament.”

Nicole [00:35:00] “Backyard fire… and cookout.”

Sasheer [00:35:08] “A backyard fire.”

Nicole [00:35:14] “Guys, my backyard is on fire. Come over.”

Sasheer [00:35:18] Yeah, that sounds like a divorce party. “We’re lighting this bitch on fire.”

Nicole [00:35:20] “We hate each other!” Honestly, a karaoke party. I love karaoke.

Sasheer [00:35:32] I think I would do a backyard fire cookout. That sounds nice to me. That does sound nice. And again, I would have the appliances for someone else to do the cooking, but I would not.

Nicole [00:35:42] Smart.

Sasheer [00:35:44] “And finally, choose a project to do with your partner.”

Nicole [00:35:48] “Research your family trees.”

Sasheer [00:35:51] “Couples dance lessons.”

Nicole [00:35:54] “Build tiny house to take on road.”

Sasheer [00:35:57] “Camp in new park every summer weekend.”

Nicole [00:36:00] Are these ones missing, like, words? “Camp in new park every summer weekend.”

Sasheer [00:36:06] “Build tiny house to take on road.”

Nicole [00:36:12] I’m not feeling any of these.

Sasheer [00:36:14] I’m not either. Maybe I do dance lessons. That’d be fun.

Nicole [00:36:20] I’m going to have to do the same because yeah, no…

Sasheer [00:36:27] Because yeah, nah…

Kimmie [00:36:29] This is Nicole.

Nicole [00:36:31] Yes! Yes! What is this quiz? Oh, the wedding dress you get.

Sasheer [00:36:37] Yeah. “Which phenomenal movie wedding dress you should wear based on the fantasy love life you craft.”

Nicole [00:36:44] Okay, I just got excited because I saw Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, but I forgot why we were doing it. Okay, so, “This only dress, perfect for a style queen like you…” Am I crazy? That’s worded insane, right?

Sasheer [00:37:04] That is. I think someone quickly wrote this quiz.

Nicole [00:37:08] They quit. They were fired.

Sasheer [00:37:08] Buzzfeed was like, “Where the fuck is this quiz?” And they’re like, “Ahhh!” Just feverishly typing. “Is that good enough?”

Nicole [00:37:18] They’re like, “Yeah, whatever. It’s BuzzFeed. We’re getting defunded anyway.”

Sasheer [00:37:21] “Publish it. Who cares?”

Nicole [00:37:25] “This only dress, perfect for a style queen like you.” Wow. So, Carrie Bradshaw’s Vera Wang dress from the first Sex and the City movie, where–spoiler–something happens, and she doesn’t quite get married in the dress. But she does get to keep the dress. It is strapless. It’s, like, pointed, pointy angles on the bustier. There’s a veil. I believe there’s a bird on the veil, but you can’t see that in this picture. But yeah. It’s pretty. It’s, like, an off-white, creamy color.

Kimmie [00:38:01] And this is Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:38:01] “Mia Thermopolis from The Princess Diaries 2. This traditional romantic dress for perfect for your traditional style.” Did this get translated from something else? A BuzzFeed from overseas?

Nicole [00:38:23] That’s really funny. “This traditional romantic dress for perfect for your traditional style.” Oh boy.

Sasheer [00:38:31] They used “traditional” twice and “for” twice. But the dress is, like, really lacy at the top. Looks like it’s a strapless, white dress with lace on top that goes over the sleeves and then, like, loopy lace for a really long veil and the tiara on top. Made for a princess!

Nicole [00:38:57] I guess I didn’t see The Princess Diaries 2 because I had no idea that Mia Thermopolis got married. News to me.

Sasheer [00:39:04] It was a royal wedding!

Kimmie [00:39:05] She married Chris Pine.

Jordan [00:39:07] No, no, no. She actually doesn’t marry him in the movie.

Kimmie [00:39:11] I thought she marries Chris Pine!

Jordan [00:39:13] No. So, there’s a twist at the end. Spoilers! Sorry.

Kimmie [00:39:14] There’s a third one coming out.

Jordan [00:39:18] I think the third one is maybe them finally going… But how the second one goes is that she’s actually not engaged to Chris Pine. Chris Pine is trying to take the royalty crown from her because his family is saying he’s supposed to be king or whatever–prince.

Kimmie [00:39:41] They fall in love when she goes to marry someone else.

Nicole [00:39:43] Yeah. So, she cancels the wedding with the one guy who’s very sweet–this poor guy. But they’re like, “Nah, this isn’t a match.” She falls in love with Chris Pine, but they’re like, “We’re not getting married.” So, they’re just kind of dating at the end of the movie.

Sasheer [00:39:57] Oh, okay.

Kimmie [00:39:59] Thank you, Jordan. I appreciate that. I really got that wrong.

Nicole [00:40:02] Yeah. Thank you.

Sasheer [00:40:04] I’m glad another one’s coming out.

Nicole [00:40:06] A third one? Really? Wow.

Sasheer [00:40:10] I love that Hollywood is like, “Hey, these actors are still acting. Let’s use them.”

Nicole [00:40:15] “Let’s throw them in this thing that you know you love. Let’s have fun!

Sasheer [00:40:18] “You loved 20 years ago. Let’s do it again.”

Nicole [00:40:22] Yeah. People love Top Gun, and they love this new Top Gun. And that’s the only thing I can think of right now.

Sasheer [00:40:31] I was trying to think of things, too. But there’s so many.

Nicole [00:40:34] There’s so many. So many reboots and whatnot. Charlie’s Angels? Can I just show you…? So, I got, like, a desktop. And sometimes I have to plug in my mouse to charge it, I think. This is how you plug it in. I can’t use this. Why do they do that like this? It plugs in from the bottom? Are you kidding, Apple?

Sasheer [00:40:59] So you have to, like, lay it on its side?

Nicole [00:40:59] Yes!

Sasheer [00:41:03] Why would they do that?

Nicole [00:41:04] Why do they do that like this?

Sasheer [00:41:06] Yeah. It should be able to lay flat and you plug it into, like, the outer part–the side part. Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:14] Wild, wild, wild.

Sasheer [00:41:17] Weird.

Nicole [00:41:18] Very upsetting. Weird move, Apple.

Sasheer [00:41:22] Also, it’s a mouse, so you gotta give it a tail.

Nicole [00:41:26] Yeah. If I ever saw a mouse where a tail came from the bottom, I’d be like, “This mouse is sick.”

Sasheer [00:41:32] From directly below its belly.

Nicole [00:41:36] “This mouse is shitting out its tail. It’s not well. Not good.” Should we help people?

Sasheer [00:41:43] Mhmm.

Kimmie [00:41:46] All right. Here is a question from a listener.

Caller [00:41:50] Hi, Nicole. Hi, Sasheer. Hi, Kimmie. Hi, Jordan. I’m calling with a silly friend question, but it’s kind of a big deal. First of all, I love you guys very, very much. And I’m very excited to talk to you. Anyway, moving forward. So, my 30th birthday is coming up. Big plug. I normally don’t get excited and celebrate because my birthday is on a holiday during this time of year. But this year, I decided to kind of do something because COVID’s been rough, and things are sad. So, I am a big ol’ lesbian. That matters. And I have a really diverse group of friends, and I love that. And some of them are in bisexual relationships with hetero, like, pairings. Some of them are gay, some of them are also lesbian–all across the board. My issue is that I have this friend who I love very, very much. But she’s fully straight, and her husband came from a white, evangelical family. And so, he’s not exactly the most tolerant person. Like, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he’s trying and he’s trying to grow. But there’s times that he really says things. And I just put up with it a lot for her. But this is my birthday, and I don’t really want to put up with that. Sorry. What’s the problem? So, I’ve invited all my friends to my birthday party. And, you know, like, in the group chat, people are like, “Oh, can this person come? Can my partner come?” So, I’m like, “Yes, of course.” And now I’m in this situation where he may come and he most likely will–but I don’t want him there because again, I very rarely make situations about me, and I don’t want to have to endure that on my birthday, especially because I’ve kind of started seeing someone for the first time in a long time. And I’m very excited, and she’s meeting everybody. Exciting! But I don’t want him to damper on that, and I really don’t want him to make her uncomfortable–or myself or any of my other friends who aren’t in relationships–because he’s not friends with most of these people. He doesn’t interact with them. So, I don’t really want to suggest that. So, I guess let me boil it down. How do I invite my friend and also make it clear he’s not invited while being kind, polite, and not rude but also at the same time firm because he’s kind of nudged his way into other events that we’ve hosted that it was kind of clear he wasn’t invited to? Anyways. Long message. I just need some help. I don’t want him there. Thank you so much. Please help me. Bye.

Sasheer [00:44:39] Okay.

Nicole [00:44:42] Yeah.

Sasheer [00:44:43] You gotta make this party as gay as possible, so he won’t even want to come. Make it the gayest fucking birthday party you can think of, so he’s like “Ew. I wouldn’t want to go to that.” And then all your friends will have a blast.

Nicole [00:44:59] Yeah. That’s one option.

Sasheer [00:45:01] Say it’s a sex party.

Nicole [00:45:05] Yeah. A raunchy, nasty sex party where everyone’s gonna be painted rainbow.

Sasheer [00:45:09] And drag queens are running the door. And you have to take poppers when you enter. And… I don’t know…

Nicole [00:45:21] No, that was a lot. You knew a lot.

Sasheer [00:45:24] Thanks.

Nicole [00:45:25] You’re welcome. I think realistically, you got to say, “Since your boyfriend isn’t really, like, friend-friends with the group, I’m keeping it to just, like, friend-friends of the group.”

Sasheer [00:45:36] Oh, but how heartbreaking.

Nicole [00:45:39] Oh, is that mean?

Sasheer [00:45:40] I don’t know. I guess I don’t know how close that friend is, who has the partner we don’t like, because if you told me I couldn’t bring my partner because I’m only bringing friend-friends, I’d be like, “Oh, you don’t think you’re friends with my partner? That sucks.”

Nicole [00:45:58] Oh, dang. I didn’t even think of it like that. See, here is why it’s tough–there are some partners going.

Sasheer [00:46:10] Yeah, if it was like “no partners, just you guys,” then you’d be like, “Sorry, no partners.” But some partners are coming. And I’m sure the person who called likes some of those partners, so…

Nicole [00:46:26] Lie. Lie and say that it’s non-partners. And then when that friend comes and there are partners there, be like, “Pfff. I can’t believe it. That is just crazy. I can’t believe it.”

Sasheer [00:46:38] “I told them that to bring–”

Nicole [00:46:41] “I said no partners.”

Sasheer [00:46:42] But didn’t the caller say that there was a group chat where people had been asking about partners and the caller already said yes to that?

Nicole [00:46:51] Aw, shit.

Sasheer [00:46:51] So, the friend already probably knows that people are bringing their partners.

Nicole [00:46:56] I can’t remember what the caller said they didn’t like specifically about the partner.

Sasheer [00:47:02] I guess they have said things in the past that were, like, off-color to people in the group–or maybe her specifically.

Nicole [00:47:10] Maybe bring that up with your friend. I mean that’s a hard thing to be like, “Hey your partner said this to me, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. Can he not come to my party?” That feels…

Sasheer [00:47:29] Whether it’s your party or not, that conversation probably does need to happen at some point in time if this is a person that you want to keep in your life. And if their partner makes you uncomfortable, you probably would over time withdraw from that friend anyway, which sucks because it’s not your friend. It’s your friend’s partner. But if your friends aren’t aware of this, then there’s nothing that can be done. But if you did say, “Yeah, I would love to hang or see you more often, but your partner has said X, Y, and Z. It made me uncomfortable and makes me feel scared to actually invite them in group situations where other queer friends are there,” then maybe your friend will be like, “Oh shit, let me talk to him,” or “Okay, he won’t come to the birthday party. But I’ll figure out what we’re going to do about this going forward.”

Nicole [00:48:27] Yeah, I think that’s good. I think the talk needs to happen regardless. Solved!

Sasheer [00:48:35] Solved!

Nicole [00:48:37] Should we do one more?

Sasheer [00:48:38] Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:39] It’s an email. “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. You guys are amazing. I’d love to get your thoughts on this issue I’m having. I am a lesbian, and I have a friend group that’s primarily queer women and non-binary people. It’s a newish friend group, but we’ve been getting closer over the past year and still getting to know each other’s quirks. One member of this friend group–we’ll call her Gertrude–is bisexual and has a boyfriend. But she is not fully out, including to him, and she seems to be scared to tell him. I’ve gotten the impression that she hasn’t spent a lot of time with other queer people prior to this.”

Sasheer [00:49:13] “When we all hang out, me and another queer person in the group bring our partners–also queer–and we invite Gertrude to do the same. Gertrude brought her boyfriend to one gathering, and he seemed to not have a good time. I felt like multiple of us tried very hard to include him in the conversation, but he just would not open up. Gertrude told us later that he felt weird being the only guy there and didn’t feel included, and he hasn’t come to hang out with us since. Later, she made a comment about how he feels like an outsider because we’re a group of mostly lesbians. This kind of seems weird from all angles, right? He’s not the only CisHet dude I hang out with, but he’s the only one that apparently can’t make conversation with women and queer people. It’s not like we only talk about being gay. I also think she may feel some type of way that other people in the group are able to bring our partners to hang out, but she feels like she can’t. But that’s not for lack of us welcoming him. And also, our partners that do come to hang out get along really well with everyone. So, it doesn’t feel right saying they can’t come. I don’t think that’s what Gertrude wants either. Have either of you experienced anything like this before? Any input will be greatly appreciated.”

Nicole [00:50:24] I haven’t really experienced that before. Any time I’ve met someone’s partner who’s, like, not a comedian or, like, not in the community, they’re, like, pretty cool and chill because they’re with someone who’s, like, in our circle or whatever. I don’t know. This dude–it’s kind of funny that he’s just like, “I’m the only man here. Who’s going to talk about sports with me?” I’m like, “I don’t know. Any of the lesbians there.”

Sasheer [00:50:51] Right? I’m sure you can find some common ground somewhere.

Nicole [00:50:58] Yeah, it seems insane that the straight man’s having trouble with, like, queer women, which sounds very blanket that, like, “Queer women and men are the same.” I’m just saying if there’s a group of people and this man can’t find one person to talk to, throw him away.

Sasheer [00:51:15] Yeah, that sounds like the guy’s problem because I’ve been with straight men who had no problem talking to gay people or queer people at all. Yeah. That sucks. That’s unfortunate for your friend–for Gertrude. Just, like, on a base level, you should just be like, “I’m going to make an effort to be friends with my partner’s friends.” You don’t have to be best friends, but “I’m going to, like, try to find some common ground because I want to have group hangouts. These are people she likes in her life. And I’m in her life. I should try to get along with them.” But to be like, “I don’t. I can’t.” Like, what? “I’m the only guy,” which also is not true. It sucks.

Nicole [00:52:06] Here’s what they should do. Ask Gertrude all of her boyfriend’s favorite things and throw a favorite thing boyfriend party. And if he doesn’t have a good time and can’t find anyone to talk to you about his favorite things, throw him away. Gertrude has to throw him away, too. We got to throw this man away. I don’t like this man. I really don’t like him.

Sasheer [00:52:28] We don’t like him.

Nicole [00:52:29] He’s bad. We gotta throw him away.

Sasheer [00:52:34] Yeah.

Nicole [00:52:36] I think this is also a nonproblem for our friend. Like, this man can’t figure out how to hang out with y’all. Y’all seem like a nice, fun time. Sorry about it.

Sasheer [00:52:44] His loss.

Nicole [00:52:46] Yeah. And I think it’s, like, always make sure Gertrude feels like her partner is invited. I think that’s, like, a nice thing–especially if he hasn’t done anything, he’s just, like, a little awkward or whatever. Be like, “Yeah, if you want to bring him, bring him! If not, you don’t have to, but we’re always more than welcome to have him!”

Sasheer [00:53:03] And maybe the more he hangs out, the more he’ll…

Nicole [00:53:08] Fucking relax and learn how to talk to people?

Sasheer [00:53:11] ‘Cause maybe it’s, like, lack of familiarity. Maybe he just hasn’t been around queer people much at all in his life. So maybe the more he hangs, the more he’s like, “Oh, they also like nachos. I like nachos.”

Nicole [00:53:29] “They’re people just like me! Okay. This is fun and good.” I hate this man. He sucks. Throw him away. Those are my thoughts. Throw him away. And after he gets thrown away… I’m kidding. Don’t let me know that he got thrown away. I’ll hear him go in the trash. You can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. Or you can call, text, or leave us a voice memo at 424-645-7003.

Sasheer [00:54:03] We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

Nicole [00:54:08] Listen, we have transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

Sasheer [00:54:17] Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support this show.

Nicole [00:54:22] And remember, if there is a straight guy in your life who doesn’t know how to talk to people, throw him away. See you later, everybody! Bye, bye!

Sasheer [00:54:32] Bye, bye.