EP. 250 — Nicole’s Little Uniform

NICOLE: Sasheer.

SASHEER: Nicole.

NICOLE: How are you?

SASHEER: Good. How are you?

NICOLE: Listen. I’m great. You scooped me up in your vehicle, you drove me on over, and that was nice.

SASHEER: Yeah, that was nice. And we’re gonna, like, go to another destination after this together.

NICOLE: That’s my favorite–just wheeling and dealing around town.

SASHEER: Out and about in LA.

NICOLE: Speaking of LA–this has nothing to do with LA–you sent me that video about Tommy Hilfiger not being racist.

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. There was a person talking about how it was a rumor going around that that Tommy Hilfiger–

NICOLE: Went on Oprah and said that he didn’t want Black people to wear his designs. And Oprah, like, walked off stage and told him to shove it. It was an email that went around to people. And I did not have an email address when I heard about it, but I distinctly remember hearing about it and being like, “Yeah, I’m not wearing his clothes.” My mother was not buying me his clothes.

SASHEER: Yeah, I don’t think I had Tommy Hilfiger, but I was like, “We can’t wear that. He doesn’t like Black people.” And I guess that’s not true.

NICOLE: No. Somebody just, like, made it up. Who is sitting in their home being like, “I don’t like Tommy Hilfiger. I’m going to fuck his shit up.”

SASHEER: Yeah. And they really did.

NICOLE: They did because it’s been long lasting. This was, like, in the ’90s. And we’re not in the ’90s anymore.

SASHEER: We are far out of it.

NICOLE: We’re in the future.

SASHEER: This is the future. Yeah, but Tommy is still holding on strong, so it’s okay.

NICOLE: He really is. Yeah. How do things like that start? Also, you know, like, “Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack.”

NICOLE & SASHEER: “All dressed in black, black, black. With silver buttons, buttons, buttons.” How do you know it? Exactly. How do I know it? You grew up in Indiana. I grew up in New Jersey. That’s states apart. How do we know it?

SASHEER: People who move.

NICOLE: Oh my God. Never occurred to me. Never once occurred to me that a kid would just move and be like, “This!”

SASHEER: Yeah, it’s military brats like me who go from school to school, being like, “I learned this weird thing.” And then you share it with other people, and then they keep it.

NICOLE: Wow. I don’t know what I was trying to uncover.

SASHEER: Yeah. You really became a conspiracy theorist all of a sudden.

NICOLE: I’m like, “It’s being pumped in our schools!”

SASHEER: “It’s all propaganda!”

NICOLE: “It’s big nursery rhyme.”

SASHEER: “When you play it backwards, it’s telling you to do something bad.”

NICOLE: “It’s telling you to eat babies.” God. That’s wild that you came to that conclusion so quick. And I’ve been thinking about that for a while.

SASHEER: Oh, I didn’t know that. I think I had a conversation with somebody, and we were like, “Oh, yeah. People move.”

NICOLE: I feel like I was a part of that conversation, and maybe I missed out on that last bit. Maybe I just spiraled into my own thoughts.

SASHEER: Did you ever…? This is a thing I learned at a school, and I don’t know if it was at any other school I was at. But the ramen noodle packets–you keep the packet closed, pound on it, crunch it up, open the packet, take out the flavoring, dump the flavor in there, shake it all up, and then you eat it like chips. Have you done that before?

NICOLE: Sounds salty.

SASHEER: It is salty but tasty.

NICOLE: No, I’ve never done that.

SASHEER: Yeah. It’s good. When you have hot water or a bowl, you just crunch it up and eat it. Same amount of food.

NICOLE: Where were you?

SASHEER: In Riverside, California.

NICOLE: And you didn’t have no water?

SASHEER: There was a drought. So we can’t spare any water for soup.

NICOLE: Your mother was like, “No soup for you!” And that’s from Seinfeld.

SASHEER: Yes.

NICOLE: And I’ve never seen an episode of Seinfeld. But I know that. We saw one of the most iconic movies of maybe our generation the other night: Madame Webb.

SASHEER: That is what the ticket taker said as we were entering–this kid named Rory.

NICOLE: Yes, Rory of the AMC in the Americana. I love what he said so much. I asked him to repeat it, and he didn’t get that I loved it so much.

SASHEER: He was like, “This is a movie of our generation.” And then I think at one point he was like, “Yeah, I mean, what can I say? It’s a movie. They made it.”

NICOLE: “And it’s here. And it’s a movie.”

SASHEER: These are not compliments.

NICOLE: It was so funny. I love Rory.

SASHEER: He was very, very funny.

NICOLE: Oh my God. I loved the movie.

SASHEER: I was laughing the whole time.

NICOLE: It was riveting. And then I thought about it, and I was like, “Wait, is this a commentary on the comic book genre as a whole? And it’s actually satire? And it really is genius?”

SASHEER: That’s what they should go with. That’s how this should be spun. That’s how they should spin that web… Because spiders spin webs to, like…

NICOLE: No, I got it. It was just so quick. The puns really just, like, fall out of your mouth, and it’s honestly unhinged.

SASHEER: A tangled web I weave.

NICOLE: I hate it. Oh boy, oh boy. They also… I mean, okay, if you don’t want this movie spoiled–

SASHEER: I think it’s been out for a while. Either you’ve seen it, or you won’t.

NICOLE: The villain–he only speaks in ADR.

SASHEER: Yeah, he dubbed his own voice?

NICOLE: Yeah. So ADR… If you don’t know, a microphone sometimes doesn’t capture all the words. And so you have to go into a studio and usually you match it to picture. You watch your mouth move–which is hard for me because I have a very weird cadence, but I do my best. And this man said, “I simply won’t try. Also, I will record some of this in the shower.” His mouth wasn’t moving, and he’d be saying whole monologues.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Also, at one point, she’s driving on the road. Next thing you know, she’s crashing through a building.

SASHEER: I genuinely screamed at that part. My hands were on my head. I was like, “What?” It would turn into Fast and Furious.

NICOLE: It really did. And she’s driving an ambulance.

SASHEER: Yeah. Through a billboard.

NICOLE: An ambulance is not nimble, okay? It is not a sports car. It’s not, you know, doing the hard turns and whatnot. It was a masterpiece.

SASHEER: It was really fun.

NICOLE: I really liked it.

SASHEER: Yeah. And I was saying afterwards that there should be, like, a shit talk night at movie theaters.

NICOLE: Oh, somebody told me that the Alamo Drafthouse has, like, Rude Night or something. That’s the night you, like, talk to the screen and boo and laugh and stuff. Yeah, but honestly, I think every movie should be like that.

SASHEER: Yeah. Is it for current movies?

NICOLE: This I don’t know. You know I didn’t ask a follow up question. And you know I forgot to tell you because this was told to me a while ago.

SASHEER: Yeah. Our friend Wyatt and I would do this thing called Shouting at the Screen where you get, like, blaxploitation movies and play it. And everyone would shout at it and, like, say wild jokes. And that was very fun. But I want something for, like, movies that are currently in the theaters. Like, when once it’s been panned–once everyone has agreed that this is ridiculous–then now on the last Thursday of the month, you can go to the theater, watch this movie, and everyone can scream and say whatever joke they want to say.

NICOLE: I would love that. The audience was not rowdy enough for my liking.

SASHEER: They’re just kinda watching it. I was like, “What are you doing?”

NICOLE: Yeah. What’s happening? Although I think I laughed really hard when the guy behind us was like, “Oh, okay. This is what we’re doing.: I like that. And then I very genuinely said after the movie was over… What did I say? I was like, “We got to get the people out.”

SASHEER: “People don’t realize how fun the movies are. We got to tell the people to go back to the theater.”

NICOLE: I munched on a hot dog. I laughed. I had a great time at the movie. Rory was so nice. I tasted ranch popcorn.

SASHEER: That was disgusting.

NICOLE: It’s not good. But I would not have gotten that in my house.

SASHEER: No, you certainly would not have.

NICOLE: I had a blast. “Spider-People,” which is a thing that was uttered in the movie.

SASHEER: Yeah. And then what was the quote that’s kind of like the quote that’s actually in Spider-Man.

NICOLE: So in Spider-Man, it’s “with great power comes great responsibility.” And he was like, “When greatness comes, the responsibility grows.” And you’re like, “Wait, no.”

SASHEER: “For powerful people, great responsibility comes.” I was like, “Wait, what?”

NICOLE: Man, it was great. I had such a good time. I can’t believe people didn’t like it.

SASHEER: Yeah. I was like, “I’m having fun. I’m having fun watching this.”

NICOLE: Do you think movie reviewers watch movies on the big screen? Or are they getting links and watching it on their dinky little computers?

SASHEER: I guess, yeah, if they’re a critic, they probably… If they haven’t seen a screening–yeah–probably on the computers. They need to take themselves to the theater!

NICOLE: They really do. I think they would have a different perspective if they saw everything on a big screen.

SASHEER: Yeah. They’re like, “I had fun. I left my house.”

NICOLE: “Everybody was in a different movie. Things aren’t finished. The timeline makes zero sense. Homegirl parked a taxi at the airport and flew to Peru and came back and the taxi was still there and it’s the same day?” That’s fun.

SASHEER: That’s a fun movie.

NICOLE: Oh boy. Oh boy. Also when the credits rolled I was like, “Four people wrote this?” Oh, I couldn’t believe.

SASHEER: Yeah. That happens sometimes. Could have been, like, they started with the early version, and then at some point, someone rewrote it or added something or…

NICOLE: Oh, God, I loved it. Yeah. And The Beekeeper. Two of my hits of 2024.

SASHEER: I still haven’t seen that. I actually haven’t even seen a trailer for The Beekeeper.

NICOLE: I didn’t know it was a movie until my cousin went, “Do you want to see The Beekeeper?” And I said, “What’s it about?” And she just fumbled her phone and was like, “I don’t know, my dad wants to see it.” And so I saw it with my uncle, Bobby, on the eve of his birthday. And boy oh boy, did he have a good time. Also, my uncle, Bobby, is so funny. So he orders a large popcorn, munches on it throughout the movie, and then goes and gets a refill and takes that home. And last time I was at his house, I was like, “Why does he have movie theater popcorn here? He’s just munching on it?” And I was like, “Oh, because he brings it home and munches on it through the week.” I don’t know how old it was, but it was stale.

SASHEER: I must say, it’s got to get stale hours later. Like, it’s getting stale pretty quickly.

NICOLE: My Uncle Bobby? Very funny. I took a picture of him, and we were going through a bunch of old pictures. And I had taken photos of the old pictures on my phone. And then he was like, “Show me a couple of your mom.” And I was like, “Okay.” And I was showing him the picture I took of him minutes ago. And he went, “What room is this in?” And I was like, “This one.” And he’s like, “How did you get that picture?” And I was like, “I took this minutes ago.” And he went, “Oh! You got me!” And I was like, “I didn’t–”

SASHEER: “I was trying to.”

NICOLE: He makes me laugh so hard.

SASHEER: That’s really funny. “How did you get that?”

NICOLE: I was like, “Am I the crazy one?”

SASHEER: “I have a camera in my hand right now.” I had my second drum lesson today, and it was very fun.

NICOLE: I saw those drum sticks in your car, and I was waiting on you to say something.

SASHEER: I had a really good lesson. My teacher said I am doing a really good job.

NICOLE: Congrats!

SASHEER: Thank you. We’re working on, like, I guess, syncopation and just how to make every limb feel independent, which is pretty hard. Yeah. So this hand will be on the hi hat, this one will be on the snare, and then my right foot will be on the bass drum–and just like getting them all to do a different thing at the same time. But I am getting there.

NICOLE: I have a good exercise for you. So pat your head, rub your belly, tap your foot, and circle the other one.

SASHEER: Oh, boy… Oh– Oh, I am doing it.

NICOLE: Oh, you’re good at syncopation.

SASHEER: I’m doing it. It’s harder on the left side.

NICOLE: Well, I made it up. It’s not, like, a drum exercise.

SASHEER: But I think that probably is helpful because Veronica, our pole teacher, told us to brush our teeth with both hands. Did she not? I feel like I have learned this from Veronica, but maybe I learned it somewhere else. Just, like, occasionally, like, switch up when you’re brushing. Just sometimes use your dominant hand and sometimes use your less dominant hand, so when you’re using your hand on the pole in different figurations, you’re not gonna be like, “I don’t know what to do with my left hand or whatever.” So, yeah, actually, every time I brush my teeth, I brush half my mouth with my right hand and half with the left hand.

JORDAN: Wait, you know that time when we asked people how they put a bra on? Are people not brushing their teeth with both–? I feel like I do that.

NICOLE: What? Why?

JORDAN: Well, I believe I’m ambidextrous, so I do my eyeliner, like, with this one…

SASHEER: Oh, that I have not even tried.

NICOLE: I could never do my eyeliner with the opposite.

SASHEER: Judith, do you…? How do you brush your teeth? Just with one hand?

JUDITH: Yeah, right hand–and everything else on the right. If I tried my left hand, I would look crazy.

JORDAN: Am I the weirdo?

SASHEER: No, I think you are ambidextrous, and maybe other people who are ambidextrous do that. Really, brushing my teeth is the only thing I do with my left hand. I don’t try to do makeup or anything, but maybe I should try because maybe I can get good at it. But I think it’s also supposed to, like, open up pathways in your brain.

NICOLE: Oh. Interesting. I’m always looking to explore my mind. I’ve never said that before in my whole life. “I’m just trying to get free, baby. I’m just trying to find the real me.” I also brush my teeth wrong. So you have an electric toothbrush? How do you brush your teeth? Perfect question for podcast.

SASHEER: I guess for the listeners, I’m just moving my hand in front of my mouth. Yeah, I guess I stay on the bottom left section of my teeth for 30 seconds until it buzzes or whatever. Then I go to the top. Then I switch over to the other side of my mouth to the top right and then bottom right.

NICOLE: But you just, like, hold it over the tooth as the bristles spin, right? I mean, I guess I’m moving it, but yeah. Yeah, I’m holding it over the tooth, I guess. I have an electric toothbrush, and I brush like I don’t have an electric toothbrush. And it’s constantly red because it’s like, “You’re doing it too hard! Help! Help!”

SASHEER: Wait. What’s red? Your gums?

NICOLE: No. The… So, on my thing, it’s like–

SASHEER: You’re running out of battery?

NICOLE: No, it’s, like, pink for not hard enough. Green is good. Red is you’re too hard on your teeth.

SASHEER: Oh, I don’t have a toothbrush like that.

NICOLE: So, you don’t have an Oral-B?

SASHEER: I do have an Oral-B.

NICOLE: You do?

SASHEER: Yeah, I do.

NICOLE: Do you have the latest model?

SASHEER: Probably not. Mine is pretty basic and doesn’t have colors like that.

NICOLE: Mine tells me things.

SASHEER: So it’s telling you, like, the pressure’s too hard. Well, that’s good.

NICOLE: Yeah. But I’m truly in there. I just don’t want to go to the dentist again. I will go, but my cheek never recovered.

SASHEER: Yeah. I’m sorry.

NICOLE: It’s okay. This cheek is just thicker than that cheek.

SASHEER: Oh, I’ve never noticed.

NICOLE: I feel it. You know, you can’t do anything.

SASHEER: What does it feel like when you try to brush your teeth without, like, scrubbing–without using your force in your hand.

NICOLE: They don’t feel clean. It doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything. And I want to do stuff. “I wanna feel the pain. I’m not dating anyone, so I want to feel something somewhere.”

SASHEER: Might as well feel it in my teeth.

NICOLE: Oh my God. Where is this shirt from? So, if you’re listening, you can’t see it. You better believe it’s got none of the colors of the rainbow.

SASHEER: They’re, like, royal colors.

NICOLE: Yeah. They’re real jewel tones. We got, like, a Burgundy plummy, an emerald green, silver, gold… Where’s this from? It’s vintage.

SASHEER: Some thrift store. I can’t remember. I’m glad that you like it. I don’t know if I’ve worn it other than this time. I’ve had it for a while.

NICOLE: I really like it. I wear a little uniform, especially when I’m performing, because the uniform helps me when I can’t think in the mornings to get dressed. And then it helps me with the performance because I’m like, “Oh, I know this fits. I know I can move around in it.” And when you came to pick me up, I was wearing one iteration of my little uniform. I was like, “I have to change.” The only thing that changed was the shade of the jeans and the color of the stripes on my shirt.

SASHEER: That’s so funny. I actually didn’t know you changed. I really thought you went upstairs, ran around, did some stuff, and then came downstairs in the same outfit.

NICOLE: Wait, are you kidding?

SASHEER: I am not kidding.

NICOLE: What did you think when I said, “With or without the vest?” It was a different outfit.

SASHEER: Well, you had the vest on earlier. And then I thought you were like, “Should I switch it up a little bit by taking the vest off?”

NICOLE: The shirt I was wearing before was three quarters sleeves!

SASHEER: Now this is, like, a half an inch longer than that.

NICOLE: This is a long sleeve shirt! What I was wearing earlier–the jeans were, like, four shades lighter.

SASHEER: I mean, I guess I just glanced at you before you went upstairs.

NICOLE: And the shirt was black and white! There was no blue or brown.

SASHEER: I’m sorry, but everything you… These are slight variations. You’re basically wearing a black and white striped shirt right now. There is brown. There’s also green and blue, I think. But there’s definitely black and white stripes in there.

NICOLE: I’m, like, blown away.

SASHEER: I didn’t study your outfit before you went upstairs.

NICOLE: You didn’t have to study it. The jeans were simply lighter. If the shirt didn’t have brown in it or this, like, teal–?

SASHEER: Where are you going?

NICOLE: I almost fell right down. I almost fell out. I am so shook.

SASHEER: But I love this outfit. This looks great.

NICOLE: When I wear my little uniform, are people like, “Oh my God, she’s wearing the same thing over and over and over again,” even though there’s color variations?

SASHEER: No, I think usually you have really different variations. The variation between the shirt and the one you had earlier is ever so slight. Please don’t cry.

NICOLE: This is so wild to me because I was like, “Should I change? Should I take the vest off? Light jeans with the black vest is different than darker jeans with the black vest.” And I can’t believe you’re just like, “No, it looks good.” But you just thought it was the same thing I’d been wearing. What did you think I was doing upstairs? I was running back and forth.

SASHEER: I really thought you were just running around.

NICOLE: You thought I was just running?

SASHEER: Well, I knew you were getting your makeup bag together.

NICOLE: I was naked!

SASHEER: I had no clue. I thought you just came down in the same outfit. And I was like, “I guess she was, like, maybe freshening up her makeup, putting her bag together, and…” I don’t know. Sometimes when I’m leaving the house, I tidy up stuff, and I, like, do things I don’t need to be doing. So I was like, “Maybe she’s doing that.”

NICOLE: Wow. Really, it makes you think if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?

SASHEER: Now, why does it make you think that? How does that apply to this?

NICOLE: I don’t know. I think because you thought I was doing different things. And maybe trees are doing different things when they fall down in the woods and nobody’s there to hear it.

SASHEER: What kind of things can they be doing?

NICOLE: Maybe, like, “Whooo!” Or falling silently. I don’t know. I didn’t think it through. I just said it right out loud.

SASHEER: It’s okay. It’s fine. But I do think it’s smart that you have a performance uniform because–yeah–it does take less thought out of the process. That’s why, like, Steve Jobs always had a black turtleneck or Zuckerberg always has, like, a gray shirt. It’s easy. It’s more efficient. You can, like, move through the day quicker because you’re not thinking about what you’re going to wear.

NICOLE: Yeah. I also pack in an incredibly quick fashion when I’m touring because I’m like, “I’m gone for four days. Four striped shirts, two pairs of jeans, and then 100 pairs of underwear.” I pack like I’m going to shit myself every single minute of the day. Whenever I’m like, “Why do I have so many pairs of underwear–?”

SASHEER: Just never know. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

NICOLE: But I have never been like, “Thank God I have an extra pair.” I’ve never needed it.

SASHEER: But you probably have.

NICOLE: No, because what I do is if I’m like, “oh, I’m bringing workout clothes,” I then bring… So if I’m gone for four days, I’ll bring four pairs of underwear, five for just in case, and five more in case I work out. So that’s ten pairs of underwear for four days. And then sometimes I’ll go, “Well, what about another two for extra measure?” So, at any point in time, I’ll be gone for four days with 12 pairs of underwear. Not once have I been like, “Ooh. Ran through those.” For Africa, I truly think I brought 30 pairs of underwear for 13 days. I also brought so many outfits and wore the same things over and over again–my little uniform–because I was like, “Well, I’m not home. I can’t, like, change change. I only have what I brought. It’s limited.”

SASHEER: But that’s hard because, like, we were doing so many different things on that trip where I was like, “Sometimes we need to be dressy, sometimes it can be very hot, sometimes it’s going to be so cold…” We needed all of our clothes.

NICOLE: You’re right. I also don’t like change and stuff, and, like, you really embraced safari outfits. You were a safari queen. And I was like, “I’ll just wear my leggings.” I’m not a safari queen. But by the last two game drives we did, I was dressed like a safari queen.

SASHEER: Yes you were!

NICOLE: I said, “Yes, I will slip on these sweat wicking Amazon pants I got for $19.” And I really liked who I was.

SASHEER: I did, too! You had a little visor, scarves because there was too much dust going into our face… We had to, like, do it a few times to understand what was needed because it’s hard to imagine what is happening on safari.

NICOLE: And nobody really explains it to you very well. And then at one point, something in the brush cut me. And I was like, “Oh, Sasheer, I hope it wasn’t poisonous.” And you were like, “We have to get you boots.”

SASHEER: Yeah. I was like, “Why are your ankles out right now? You need to cover all the skin.”

NICOLE: I always have my ankles out. Did you know that about me?

SASHEER: I guess I didn’t know that was a thing about you.

NICOLE: All of my pants are either cropped or pre-rolled. I simply don’t know why.

SASHEER: Well, you don’t really wear boots per se or much. And you don’t like wearing socks higher than your ankle. So, yeah, I think that makes sense.

NICOLE: Okay. I’m so tense right now because I don’t know why I’m always showing off my ankles.

SASHEER: It’s just a little bit of skin to me–risque.

NICOLE: Yeah. Trying to tempt some men.

SASHEER: They’re like, “Damn, look at that ankle! You can’t see anything else with all those stripes.”

NICOLE: I don’t know why that rocked me–that you called out my stripes. I think it’s because I know what my uniform is, but I don’t know if other people do.

SASHEER: I think they do.

NICOLE: Yeah. I once had a friend be like, you wear a lot of stripes. So I was like, “Huh.” And then they wore a lot of stripes. And then sometimes we’d go out together and both be wearing stripes. So sometimes I would consciously not wear stripes, and then they wouldn’t be wearing stripes. And I don’t think either one of us was comfortable. I love stripes. They’re just so elegant, classy, and timeless.

SASHEER: Sure. Yeah.

NICOLE: But also, I do sometimes feel like I look like Chucky. Chucky was in stripes.

SASHEER: I guess so.

NICOLE: What do you mean you guess? Wasn’t he in stripes?

SASHEER: I don’t actually know.

NICOLE: You don’t know Chucky?

SASHEER: I do know Chucky, but when I’m, like, trying to paint a mental picture, I’m thinking of, like, primary colors, like red and green or something. I don’t know if I necessarily see stripes.

NICOLE: Can we pull up a picture of Chucky?

SASHEER: Oh, there’s– Yeah. That’s right.

NICOLE: Yeah. There’s stripes. I’m Chucky. Wait. Chucky gets married?

SASHEER: You absolutely have an outfit like this.

NICOLE: Are you kidding me? At any moment–

SASHEER: Yeah. The Bride of Chucky.

NICOLE: I don’t think I knew that. I thought Chucky was a child. Or is Chucky an adult trapped in a doll?

SASHEER: I actually don’t think I’ve seen any of the Chucky movies, so I don’t even know what the backstory is.

NICOLE: Me either. So–okay–Chucky is a “vicious serial killer who bleeds out from a gunshot wound, transfers his soul into a good guy doll, and tries to transfer it to a human body.” Interesting that he knew and had the technology to do that.

SASHEER: Was it technology?

NICOLE: Well, how would you transfer your soul into a doll? By some sort of mechanism.

SASHEER: Maybe it’s a ritual.

NICOLE: Wow. Hmm. I’d be mad if I was stuck in a doll. You can’t reach nothing.

SASHEER: He reached knives.

NICOLE: I guess so. I guess you just have to crawl around. I don’t want to be crawling around. I want to be full size.

SASHEER: Well, let’s hope you never have to transfer your soul into a doll.

NICOLE: I don’t have the technology. Did you have any full-length dolls growing up?

SASHEER: I had a dolphin that was the size of me that I slept in the bed with.

NICOLE: Oh, that’s kind of fun.

SASHEER: It was fun before I knew how evil dolphins were. I think that was it. I can’t think of too many other dolls I had that were big.

NICOLE: I had a doll named Henrietta. I don’t know the brand name of this doll, but she was a my-size doll that was Black. But I don’t think she was part of the Barbie lineage because she was pretty big. And I remember going into my mother’s bathroom, pulling out all of her Clinique, and going, “Henrietta needs a makeover.” And I painted all of Henrietta’s face. And the makeup, for whatever reason, wouldn’t come off, which I was like, “This should be concerning for my mother. You know, if it’s not coming out of Henrietta, what’s it doing to your skin?” But I would drag Henrietta everywhere with us. And one day–I think we were at the doctor’s office–and I wanted to bring Henrietta inside. And my mom was like, “No, we’re not lugging…” Because she was heavy, she’s like, “We’re not lugging this doll inside.” So we left Henrietta in the car, and a woman was like, “Your child! And then she insisted that my mother had left her child in the car.” And then, like, the lady made my mom open the door because she really thought that Henrietta was a child. And then I didn’t get to bring Henrietta anywhere else.

SASHEER: Yeah, that makes sense.

NICOLE: I miss Henrietta. Oh, well, should we answer questions? Is it that time?

SASHEER: Yeah. Maybe we can find Henrietta. You gave this doll the name Henrietta?

NICOLE: Yeah, there was Henrietta, Mousey Mouse, and Dog. And I have Mousey Mouse and Dog.

SASHEER: Is Dog a dog?

NICOLE: He better believe. And then he sings, “How much is that doggie in the window?” Or he doesn’t sing it. It’s just the melody. But it’s the instrumental.

SASHEER: Nice.

NICOLE: They’re in my closet. And sometimes I Toy Story them and like will close the closet and open it and be like, “Y’all talking?” And then sometimes I’m like, “Are you guys okay in here?” But they don’t talk back.

SASHEER: Maybe let them out for a little bit. Let them breathe.

NICOLE: Yeah, maybe.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Yeah, well, I’m qualified to answer questions. I’m going to let my stuffed animals out to breathe, and would you have a question for me?

CALLER: Hello, best friends. Oh, I just love you guys so much. I really hope this gets on the pod someday because I think this is a really fun question. My best friend and I listen to your podcast every week and we talk about it. We currently have a long distance friendship. I’m trying to be the Nicole and work on bringing my friend out to the West Coast because I know that Sasheer ended up moving from New York to LA to follow Nicole. So just putting that out into the world, too, if this gets on the podcast. Girl, we’re listening to you. Anyway, my question is very–

NICOLE: Wait, pause it. This person thinks you moved to LA solely because of me and not the booming film industry that you have a robust career in. I’ve never said “booming” or “robust.”

SASHEER: No. I moved here for you.

NICOLE: Good to know. And then you just got lucky.

SASHEER: Yeah, I just happened to get jobs here. Thank God. I don’t know what I was going to do.

NICOLE: That’s really funny that this person believes that. Hit it.

CALLER: Okay, it’s really kind of for Nicole, but it’s about both of you. Nicole, what would you do if Sasheer got pregnant and had a baby? How would that make you feel? And, Sasheer, what would Nicole have you feel like? We have sort of assigned one of you to each of us in my friend and I’s best friendship. And we just had this very funny conversation about what if that happened to us? And then, “Oh, my God, what if that happened to Nicole and Sasheer?” So we’d love to know. Love you guys. Love all the producers. Kimmie, I hope you’re doing well. Jordan and Judith–love you guys, too. Thank you very much. And just keep being awesome. You’re the best. Love you.

NICOLE: Okay. If tomorrow, at 3:30, you called because that’s when doctors appointments happen–in the afternoon.

SASHEER: Some time in the morning.

NICOLE: No. What are you talking about?

SASHEER: If I was going to the doctor, it would probably be in the morning.

NICOLE: Why?

SASHEER: I like getting it over with.

NICOLE: But why would you wake up early to go to the doctor?

SASHEER: So then I have the rest of the day free, and I don’t have to, like, sit in traffic going to the doctor at 3:30.

NICOLE: I always do my doctor’s appointments at 1:00 and then get home by, like, 3:30. And that’s when people will want news. You’re gonna wake me up at, like, 11:00 a.m. with your news?

SASHEER: Yeah. You’re not going to take my call at 11:00 a.m.?

NICOLE: I will. But you want to wake me up at 11:00 a.m. to tell me you’re having a baby? That’s 3:30 news.

SASHEER: It shouldn’t matter when I’m calling you. The news is the news.

NICOLE: They have the 6:00 news because it’s like the day’s done. What information can I take in? The day’s halfway over. What information from my friend can I take in? I can’t start my day with news that’s not my own.

SASHEER: But I feel like I’m having a baby is, like, breaking news. And it doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, I’m gonna tell you. This is, like, alert on your phone news.

NICOLE: But, like, 3:30–school’s out. And guess what?

SASHEER: I don’t need to tell anyone who’s in school! I don’t know anyone in school that I need to tell that I’m pregnant.

NICOLE: “School’s out. News is out. You know those kids you see outside? I’m having one.” That’s great.

SASHEER: I don’t need a segue to tell you I’m pregnant! “Hey. These kids at school remind me of how I’m having a baby.”

NICOLE: Fine. Call me at 11:00 a.m. Okay. It’s 11:00 a.m.

SASHEER: Ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring.

NICOLE: “Oh, my God, my phone. I can’t believe I changed it from Cher. Hello?:

SASHEER: “Hi. Did I wake you?”

NICOLE: “Of course you did.”

SASHEER: “All right. I have some really important news to tell you.”

NICOLE: “Ooh, are we going on a trip?”

SASHEER: “No. I’m never going on a trip again because…”

NICOLE: “What? You’re on the No Fly List?”

SASHEER: “No!”

NICOLE: “Did you do terrorism?”

SASHEER: “No, I did not do terrorism. I’m pregnant!”

NICOLE: “Wait… With what?”

SASHEER: “A baby!”

NICOLE: “Oh. Do you want me to come over?”

SASHEER: “You can.”

NICOLE: “Okay. And we’ll talk about this.” I think that’s exactly how I would respond. “Do you want me to come over, so we can really just discuss this?”

SASHEER: What are we discussing?

NICOLE: Whether you’re keeping it or not.

SASHEER: All right, now, I’m gonna call you at 3:30. Ring, ring.

NICOLE: “Hello?”

SASHEER: “Hi, Nicole.”

NICOLE: “Oh, baby. Guess what I did today.

SASHEER: “Oh. What?”

NICOLE: “Okay, well, I went for a walk. And Clyde bit my neighbor again.”

SASHEER: “Oh, no. That sucks.”

NICOLE: “Yeah, that’s about all I did. What’s up?”

SASHEER: “Well, I had a very interesting day. I just found out I’m pregnant.”

NICOLE: “Whoa! I can’t believe you waited to tell me. When did you find out?” That’s exactly probably how I’d respond. “When did you find out?”

SASHEER: “About 11:00 a.m. today.”

NICOLE: “I can’t believe you waited. Why would you wait till school’s out? I needed to learn during school hours.” There is no good time to tell me you’re pregnant. I do really think my response would be like, “Would you like me to come over to talk about this?” And then you would walk me through what your thought process was because we’ve just talked so much about not having children. And then I feel like I would feel… Not, like, left out of a decision or, like, not included because it’s your life or whatever. But, like, I think I would feel like, “Huh. So a whole life-changing decision was made, but you didn’t just tell me that you were thinking about it?”

SASHEER: Thinking about having a kid?

NICOLE: Yeah.

SASHEER: Well, me saying I’m pregnant is me saying I’m keeping it.

NICOLE: And that’s why we’d have to have the discussion because I would drive you straight to a Planned Parenthood or a paid one. Wait, do you have to pay for Planned Parenthood?

SASHEER: Yes, I think so. I think for sure.

NICOLE: How do abortions work? Do you pay money?

SASHEER: I don’t think any of them are for free.

NICOLE: They don’t.

SASHEER: I don’t think so.

NICOLE: I think they should.

SASHEER: Well, it’s still like someone is working.

NICOLE: Is that an okay response? Can we talk about it?

SASHEER: Yeah, because of what you said. We have discussed how I do not want to have kids. So me saying, “I’m not pregnant,” is like, “Well, what does this mean?” Does that mean I’m going to keep it? Does it mean I’m making big decisions? Yeah. How do I feel about it? Yeah, it’s a whole thing. If I was trying to get pregnant, that’s a different response.

NICOLE: Yeah, if you were trying to get pregnant and didn’t tell me, I think my feelings would be really hurt.

SASHEER: Yeah, I think it’d be strange if that was the case–if I was trying to get pregnant and I was like, “Guess what?”

NICOLE: Phew. That was really vulnerable of me to say. And I was like,”There’s a 50% chance that Sasheer might be like, ‘Well, that’s my business. That’s my life.’” And I was like, “Oh, my God. I’ll have to jump right out a window.”

SASHEER: I mean, like, yeah, it’s my business. But that’s a big decision that… Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be–? If you were like, “How’s it going?” and I just didn’t say, “I’m trying to get pregnant,” that’d be very strange.

NICOLE: Okay. Thank God.

SASHEER: Yeah. You would know.

NICOLE: I would never get pregnant behind your back and keep it.

SASHEER: Thank you so much. But wait, you would get pregnant and not and not tell me?

NICOLE: No. Never. No. If I got pregnant in any sort of fashion–keeping it or not–I would tell you. If I was trying to have a baby, I would tell you thank you. If it was a mistake, I would tell you.

SASHEER: Thank you.

NICOLE: If I was Jesus’ new mommy, I’d tell you.

SASHEER: You have to.

NICOLE: I absolutely would. I would never have a messiah and not tell you. That’d be crazy.

SASHEER: “Do you know Nicole is the new Mary?” And I’m like, “What?”

NICOLE: “People are worshiping my son.”

SASHEER: “You didn’t tell me?”

NICOLE: “You missed it. Sorry.”

JORDAN: That makes so much sense with Deuteronomy now.

SASHEER: Deuteronomy would be a messiah.

NICOLE: Sasheer, what if I called you and I was like, “I’m pregnant.”

SASHEER: Same thing. I’d be like, “Do you want me to come over? Do you want to talk about it? How do you feel?”

NICOLE: I really love that we’re treating pregnancy like a crisis. “Are you okay? Let’s talk.”

SASHEER: It’s a lot. If you don’t actually want a child and then you get pregnant, it’s like, “Okay, an accident must have happened. Now a decision needs to be made. What do you need?” You know? And then even when you make a decision, it’s a lot of emotions around it regardless of if you’ve always decided you want to be childless or what have you. There’s a lot happening with your body and with your mind, so… Yeah.

NICOLE: I wonder if in real life you called me and you were like, “I’m pregnant,” I would have been like, “I’m not falling for that again. What is this, April Fool’s Day in July?”

SASHEER: Oh no. I still regret doing that. It wasn’t very nice.

NICOLE: No. It’s maybe the meanest prank anyone’s ever done to me just because I, like, really snapped in a way that I’ve never snapped. I was like, “I’m here to help.”

SASHEER: You were really in crisis mode.

NICOLE: Yeah. I think I’m good in a crisis. Nobody saw that coming.

SASHEER: Yeah. I don’t know. You, like, laser focus or something.

NICOLE: I think it’s ADHD. And that was even before I was medicated.

SASHEER: Yeah. This is true.

NICOLE: “Nicole. I’m pregnant.” “All right, well… We’re in this together?”

SASHEER: “What do you need?”

NICOLE: I was ready to, like, move in with you and, like, help you raise this kid if you wanted to.

SASHEER: Yeah. And I was like, “April Fools…”

NICOLE: And you let it go for so long.

SASHEER: I did.

NICOLE: Like, an hour.

SASHEER: No, it couldn’t have been an hour.

NICOLE: Listen, I don’t have the time.

SASHEER: It was too long. You were right. But I let you sit with it. And then I was like, “April Fools.” And you’re like, “What the fuck?” When I saw how serious you were, I was like, “Oh, God. This is a bad joke. I shouldn’t have done that.”

NICOLE: But it probably proved I’m a really great friend–loyal through and through. I’d take a bullet for you. I would raise a kid for you. And honestly, if you asked me to kill someone, I’d think about it.

SASHEER: All right, well, let’s cut that out.

NICOLE: You wouldn’t kill for me?

SASHEER: I ideally won’t kill. But what do you mean “for” you? Like, are you asking me to kill someone?

NICOLE: You call me at 1:00 a.m. You can’t ask someone to murder during the day because then I’ll just really think about it. But, you know, sleep on it. If someone did something so egregious to you and so baffling and so bad and nasty, let’s do it.

SASHEER: Okay I don’t… Yeah. Yeah. I guess.

NICOLE: I shouldn’t have brought this up during the day.

SASHEER: Yeah. This is 1:00 a.m. conversation.

NICOLE: Yeah. Let’s go down together.

SASHEER: All right. Next question.

JUDITH: And just to answer the question earlier, an in clinic abortion can cost up to around $800 in the first trimester. So it does cost money, and it can go up from there.

NICOLE: That’s kind of expensive.

SASHEER: Yeah. “Hello, Nicole and Sasheer. First off, I love you both. And you make every Wednesday a great day. Now down to a serious matter. Last night, I had a dream where I was talking with Sasheer. I told her I had the feeling that I was a difficult person to be friends with and that I was exhausting. Sasheer confirmed that feeling and said that sometimes I do come off as needy and she needs a break. So my questions are how do I stop being a needy, exhausting friend? Also, how do I stop an anxiety dream like this from happening and making me feel like I’ve let down a person I admire but have never met? Any advice is welcome. And I’m sorry I’m this way, Sasheer. I’m trying to be better. I hope all of you have a great day. Dreaming in Minneapolis.”

NICOLE: Wow. I wonder if they know Sleepless in Seattle. I know I’m a lot and I’m very needy. I think sometimes I’ll just be like, “Is this a lot? Am I being too much?” I feel like I have asked you that before. Yeah, I think you can just ask people.

SASHEER: Yeah. I don’t know if you can stop anxiety dreams. But I don’t think you have to or need to unless it really feels like it’s affecting you. But sometimes dreams can be good indicators of the things that are irking you in your subconscious and, like, something you might already be feeling. So it’s possible that maybe you yourself are feeling in other areas that you’re too much or exhausting or something and maybe figure out where that’s stemming from. And if it’s with a specific friend in your life you can ask. And sometimes it’s nice to ask because there are times where you have backed off without asking me. And then I’m like, “What’s happening? I feel like you’re being distant.” And you’re like, “Oh, I didn’t want to be a bother. I thought I was being too much or whatever.” And I’m like, “Ask me because I didn’t. I wouldn’t have said that.”

NICOLE: I think it’s sometimes scary because I know my brain goes, “If I ask if I’m being too much, there is a chance you might say yes. Where do I go from there?” And my therapist says to me a lot, “Stop making up answers that you don’t know the answer to. What’s the point of doing that? Just ask.” Like, I didn’t like my hair once. And the woman who braids my hair–a very kind, loving, wonderful woman–she gives mom energy. She’s so nice. And my therapist is like, “What do you think is going to happen when you tell her that you want your hair changed?” And I was like, “That she’ll never braid my hair again.” She’s like, “And if that happens, you don’t want that person braiding your hair.” And I was like, “Okay.” So then I told her, and she was like, “Yeah, come in tomorrow.” And that was it. And then she’s like, “Before you leave the shop, just tell me.” And so I guess I get not wanting to, like, voice it too much because someone might go, “Yes.” But also that can become self-awareness–to be like, “Oh, I’m acting like I’m too much again. So maybe I dial it back a bit.” But also just ask!

SASHEER: Yeah, because maybe the person–if they do say yes–might have suggestions. When you call me at 1:00 a.m. and talk about your murder plans, it’s interrupting my sleep. Maybe don’t do that all the time.

NICOLE: All right. But I did send shovels to your house.

SASHEER: And, again, that’s a little too much.

NICOLE: Okay. Solved!

SASHEER: Solved.

NICOLE: If you would like things solved, you can email us at nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. You can call, you can text, you can leave a voice note–(424) 645-7003.

SASHEER: We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

NICOLE: We have transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

SASHEER: Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support the show!

NICOLE: Well, Sasheer, I’ve really enjoyed our time together.

SASHEER: I have also enjoyed our time together.

NICOLE: Murder…

SASHEER: No.

NICOLE: All right. Fine. Honestly, that might help you in court.

SASHEER: Me saying no?

NICOLE: Yeah, because it’s recorded.

SASHEER: Well, it’s not going to help you!

NICOLE: Oh no! I hope no one in my life goes missing! Ooh, that sounds incriminating, too. Oh no!

SASHEER: Oh no!

NICOLE: Bye.

SASHEER: Bye.