EP. 329 — Nothing But Threesomes (Live from Woodstock)

Chris [00:00:08] Hello, Woodstock, New York! It’s Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hi, everybody. Chris Gethard here. I hope you’re doing well. Thanks for tuning in to Beautiful Anonymous. I remain amazed at how many people listen to the show each week. How many people are out there telling their friends about it after all these years. How many people have told me they’ve been listening from the beginning or I meet, people who tell me they just discovered it. Hello to all of you. I really appreciate you. Truly. I tell you, last week’s episode, I talked with a journalist who’s thinking about quitting and who got caught up in some comedy drama and we had some crossover both in our feelings of burnout, as well as some shared comedy drama opinions. It’s, I tell you, that one seems to have struck a chord over there. Beautiful/ Anonymous, the community, it’s a Facebook group. 30,000 plus members. 35,000 members? And it is such a laid back low commitment thing. Pretty much we post the episodes. People go ahead and air out their opinions. And it’s laid back. So many people jumped in the comments thread of this one, talking about how they feel burnout as well. How they’ve dedicated their lives to certain careers. I mean, we had university teachers, we had other journalists, we had all sorts of people saying, yeah, I’ve put my life towards something and during this pandemic, I’m just feeling this sense of burnout. I’m with you. It seems like that caller in particular nailed something of the moment in a way that really struck a chord. So caller, thanks for calling. Opening up. Thanks to everybody out there who left their comments. Also, Karissa in the group. Karissa, I read your comment and it really struck a nerve of just really a reminder of you’re allowed to get out of your own way. You’re you’re allowed to have dreams that don’t scream impressive to others. You’re you’re allowed to say, I’ve done my time in this and someone else can fill the void. Really a beautiful sentiment and a reminder that ego drives us too much. I think especially here in the States. Anyway. A reminder, you can hear me mentioning this at the top of every show for a while. I’m heading to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. So if you are too, you can go get tickets. ChrisGeth.com. We got the tickets are moving pretty well I hear for my run of my new solo show, which is all about being a dad and thinking about Cal and reconsidering some things about my dad that always confused me. And then on top of it, we’re going to do four or five Beautiful/Anonymous tapings. Those tickets are still not on sale, so keep your eyes peeled. I’ll be sure to announce them. Thanks to everybody who’s been reaching out. This week’s episode, oh, boy. I am excited for you to hear it, man. This is, you know, we did it live in Woodstock. You could tell from the title it’s a sexy one. This caller, I don’t want to say too much, except sometimes you do a live show, you go, I hope this one gets crazy. And then it does. And it’s wild. And I have a feeling people are going to- some people will be shocked or turned off by it. Other people will be laughing real hard. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be turned on. Who’s to say? Enjoy. 

Voicemail Robot [00:03:36] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. 

Caller [00:03:44] Hello? 

Chris [00:03:45] Hey. How’s it going? 

Caller [00:03:48] Is this Chris? 

Chris [00:03:49] This is Chris and a whole bunch of people in Woodstock, New York, just so you know. But they’re really nice people and they have your back. 

Caller [00:03:59] Yooo! Just when I was lamenting not having any plans on a Friday night. You have- this is live, oh my god.  Or whoever. 

Chris [00:04:07] Look at that. There’s there’s a an intimate crowd of people in a in a an old roadhouse bar who are your friends this Friday night. Lucky to be here with you. 

Caller [00:04:18] Aww. Thank you.

Chris [00:04:18] One of them, just so you know, is named Knife Throat, we found out. But I got my eye on Knife Throat. So. 

Caller [00:04:25] Knife Throat? 

Chris [00:04:25] Yeah, Knife Throat. It’s a band name. And then what kind of music would you think Knife Throat was? 

Caller [00:04:32] Uh, actually, you know what? Like, kind of like indie bedroom pop. 

Chris [00:04:38] Yeah, it was bed. I thought it was, like, a hardcore. I thought it was going to be, like, Gorilla Biscuits or Youth of Today or something. No, but apparently I’m the only person who hears Knife Throat and thinks something hard. Yes. No, it’s, it’s more folky. It’s more of a folk band. Yeah. 

Caller [00:04:52] Who would have guessed? Nice to meet you, man. 

Chris [00:04:56] There you go. So, caller, we’re lucky to have you here tonight. How’s things going by you? What’s up? 

Caller [00:05:04] Well, as you know, I had no plans and I was trying to figure out plans. And while I was trying to figure out plans, I got a DM from somebody I didn’t want a DM from. So basically I should just go into this. I moved to a city like a month ago, even though I was born here. I moved back after COVID. And I met this couple at a Halloween party. I was interested in the girl, but it turns out she was a couple. But that didn’t deter them. And then I found out they were 42 and then they set up like a date. And then I found out they were married and she literally texted me, Sorry, my husband was being an asshole. He was literally flirting with you. L.O.L. And now I don’t know what to do. 

Chris [00:05:51] Okay, well, this is- we only have an hour. So. So, okay, so first of all, you said they’re 42. How old are you? 

Caller [00:06:04] I’m 24! 

Chris [00:06:04] You’re 24. So you were at a party flirting with a 42 year old woman, and it turns out she’s married. 

Caller [00:06:12] No, no, no, no, no. I thought she was 30. 

Chris [00:06:13] You thought she was 30, but it turned out she’s 42. 

Caller [00:06:16] She looks young. 

Chris [00:06:17] Also, I will just let you know I’m 41. And the way you’re referring to 42 year olds is actively hurting my feelings. Just so you know. 

Caller [00:06:25] Well, you’re not trying to have a threesome with me, Chris. I got to think about these things. 

Chris [00:06:28] True. True. And I understand that side of it. I will just say, you are saying the word 42 as if you’re referring to like a corpse that reanimated and crawled out of its grave. Like that’s how you’re saying the word 42. Like 42. They’re 42. I’m 41, so let’s take a breath. Let’s take a breath. But it’s okay. I understand. 

Caller [00:06:51] No, no, no. What happened is this. What happened is that I thought about it, and it’s my numbers reversed. 

Chris [00:06:57] Oh, you’re 24, they’re 43. Yeah, that’s a little weird psychologically, huh? 

Caller [00:07:02] Yeah, it messed me up a bit. And I thought he was gay, and they started making out in front of me, so that messed me up a little bit more. 

Chris [00:07:08] So you said you were initially kind of interested in her and how did they segue? And then he was being kind of a jerk it sounded like. She even apologized for it. How does that segue into this threesome conversation? 

Caller [00:07:22] You know, that’s a great question. Basically, we were like the only people dancing because everybody else was stoned. I’m not a smoker. And she kept talking to me and I kept talking to her. And he kept interjecting. And I thought he was dressed up- do you know Ryan is from High School Musical? 

Chris [00:07:41] I’m, once again, I’m 41 years old. I, it’s a little bit that’s just a little bit generational. I, I know what High School Musical is. I can’t place the characters by name. 

Caller [00:07:53] Okay. He was wearing a very skinny scarf, a paper boy hat, a button down with a sweater on the top. That’s who Ryan is from High School Musical. So I thought he was gay. 

Chris [00:08:04] Okay. Okay. Okay. 

Caller [00:08:06] And then they started making out in front of me. And then he set up a date for all of us to hang out. He actually was asking if I wanted to go back with them to like their apartment or whatever. And I was like, No, I’m going to stay, because it was my friend’s party. And then she was like, Give me your Instagram. And I’m like, Okay, I’ll give YOU my Instagram. And then he set up a date. And then she was like apologizing for him through DMS. And then they texted me like, Can we see each other on Sunday? And then she texted me her number. But I can’t get over, “My husband was flirting with you L..O.L.” Like, I didn’t know they were married until I read that. 

Chris [00:08:40] Now, how long ago was this party? 

Caller [00:08:44] Halloween. 

Chris [00:08:45] Halloween. Okay. So, like two weeks ago, not even. And they DM’d you earlier today and you’re bored at home and called me as you are debating how to react to this? 

Caller [00:09:00] I’m debating should I like ghost them or should I go?

Chris [00:09:05] So you’re telling me we are right now on a phone call and hopefully by the end of an hour we will have decided your game plan over if you’re going to go participate in a threesome that you seem lukewarm about or ghost them. 

Caller [00:09:21] Maybe. I’ll let you guys decide my future. 

Chris [00:09:25] Wow. Okay, well we’ve got a lot of responsibility here in Woodstock. Okay. And people have a hashtag, just so you know, people- there’s a hashtag so people can communicate with me and pass on questions to you. 

Caller [00:09:37] Oh my god, I forgot there’s a hashtag. 

Chris [00:09:38] Yeah, yeah. So everyone can. Oh, like Henry, for example, wants to know what everyone was dressed as. That’s a good question. If it’s a Halloween party, was he just dressed as the character from High School Musical? Maybe that’s not his actual style. 

Caller [00:09:53] No. He was just dressed as himself. I thought he was. Ryan. I asked, Are you Ryan? He said, no, my name is whatever, I was like… 

Chris [00:10:01] What were you dressed as? 

Caller [00:10:04] A ninja. Because I bought nunchucks. And so I was like, I’ll just make up the entire outfit. 

Chris [00:10:10] So you were dressed in a ninja outfit and they tried to pick you up for a threesome? 

Caller [00:10:16] Well, I, you know, I thought what’s a costume that goes well with a mask? I thought, ninja. But I had the mask off. So I guess, I don’t know. 

Chris [00:10:26] Uh huh. Uh huh. So they see a ninja. They say, let’s go make this happen together. So they hit you. So it sounds like you were not a huge fan of this guy. 

Caller [00:10:38] Well, he wasn’t a huge fan of me from what I thought, until he was trying to get me to go back to his apartment with his wife. 

Chris [00:10:45] Mm hmm. Mm hmm. So where’s your head at? Because you said I’m either going to ghost them or go through with it. Well, I guess which, as we’re at the beginning of the call, which way are you currently leaning? 

Caller [00:10:57] Right now, they did say they want to meet me up at a restaurant, so that sounds safe. So right now I’m thinking like, what’s the worst that can happen? I can always leave. And I did tell my roommate who’s like, ready to make up an emergency for me. 

Chris [00:11:11] Okay. So you’re like, you might go get a free drink or two, free food out of this. Feel it out. 

Caller [00:11:16] Yes, I’m 24. I’m broke. You got to get free things come from, you know? 

Chris [00:11:22] So you’re navigating. Okay, I might maybe maybe get some appetizers going, maybe get a little bit of that. Feel it out from there. What, you got the bailout plan with the roommate? I like that. So you’re not totally opposed to this scenario? 

Caller [00:11:39] I’m opposed to the actual threesome. Meeting up with them this Sunday, if we are actually meeting up at a restaurant. 

Chris [00:11:47] Oh, that’s Sunday. Two days. Okay. So this is not you’re hanging up the phone and then going tonight. 

Caller [00:11:53] Oh, no, no, no. 

Chris [00:11:54] Got it. I thought it was like- I thought it was like, okay, it’s 7:30 now, so I got to decide by 9:15. Help me. And frankly, I was feeling a lot of pressure. So I’m glad Sunday is a more reasonable thing. Okay, got it. 

Caller [00:12:11] Yeah, because they wanted to do brunch. Which, again, I thought he was gay. But then we decided for dinner. 

Chris [00:12:17] Brunch is not- a brunch- there is no- I don’t think there’s any- 

Caller [00:12:20] Hey, I’m bi, too. Which is weird because they didn’t know I was bi when they were like offering the threesome. So I don’t know. 

Chris [00:12:26] I’m just saying I don’t know that brunch has any sort of orientation attached to it. I think brunch is for everybody. 

Caller [00:12:33] Are you kidding me? That’s the gay agenda. 

Chris [00:12:34] What’s that? 

Caller [00:12:35] Brunch is the gay agenda.

Chris [00:12:36] Brunch is the gay agenda? But how is brunch the gay agenda? It’s just French toast. 

Caller [00:12:44] That’s what the meme is. Like when people are like when people are like, well, like, why are you so opposed to the gay agenda? It’s just brunch. 

Chris [00:12:53] Brunch is just, like, you can have French toast or a veggie burger depending on where you’re at. Is that the gay agenda? 

Caller [00:13:00] No, the gay agenda is drinking at 2 p.m. with drag queens. 

Chris [00:13:08] Let’s pause right there. Drinking at 2 p.m. with drag queens. 2 a.m. is probably more common. But who, who knows? What do I know? I don’t drink anymore. I can’t say what the appropriate time to drink with drag queens is. I’ve been sober for two decades, by and large. Anyway, let’s pause there now that I made it awkward. We’ll be right back. Thanks to all of our advertisers. And hey, everybody, thanks for listening. Let’s get back to the phone call. 

Caller [00:13:36] No, they gay agenda is drinking at 2 p.m. with drag queens. 

Chris [00:13:45] I had no idea. I thought it was just a I thought it was just a good meal on the days you wanted to sleep in. I had no idea that I was so actively participating in an agenda that I probably do support at the end of the day. 

Caller [00:13:57] It’s a meme. Oh god. 

Chris [00:14:02] I also am feeling very- there’s something very funny where this is, you know, a very sexually driven call. And I do want to just say full disclosure, if you sense me being awkward, it may be because my young son is in the corner of the room attending his first ever. He’s two and a half years old. And we’re going to have to teach him a lot about life after this call. He’s going to we’re going to have him on the changing table tomorrow. Hey, Cal. 

Caller [00:14:25] Oh, my God. Hi Cal. I’m sorry.  

Chris [00:14:31] It’s okay. He’s just staying a little while. So you say you’re bi, so that means you have hooked up with people from all different walks of life in the past. So you’re not opposed to this idea. Have you crossed over into threesome territory before? 

Caller [00:14:46] No. And I don’t think I should I should have this be my first experience. That’s the main thing that I’m like, no. Also, this can’t be my first hookup coming back to New York. Just no. 

Chris [00:14:57] Oh, this is your first hookup back to New York. Okay, so you’re not doing this. So you’re really just debating whether you want to scam these people for free booze and food. That’s really the only debate. The threesome ain’t happenin. This is just do I want to do I want to scam a drink or do I want a full meal out of it? This is really what you’re debating. 

Caller [00:15:15] You’re sayinig scam like it’s a bad thing. I am thinking girlboss. You know, they’re, you know? 

Chris [00:15:22] Okay. 

Caller [00:15:23] They’re doing gaslight, I’m doing girlboss and maybe a little bit of gatekeep.  

Chris [00:15:26] Okay, now, hey, I’m not mad at ya. I’m not judging. I’m just saying you’re not, you’re not winding up in bed with this couple it doesn’t sound like. 

Caller [00:15:34] Uh. I don’t think so, unless something great happens in the dinner, which I doubt it. 

Chris [00:15:41] So you are. It sounds like you are committing to the food. 

Caller [00:15:47] It’s not. I mean, we talked about brunch already. So they moved it to a dinner. I can still do dinner. I’ll put it part of the agenda too. 

Chris [00:15:56] Okay. Some people I’m getting some response here on the hashtag. Arlene is totally with you, says, Get the brunch and go. 100% down with you getting a free meal out of a situation you have no intention of actually following through on with their intentions. Mike is saying, Mike is asking again to reiterate that this is your, this would be your first throuple, it sounds like. 

Caller [00:16:22] Yes. Which is the main reason why we should all say no. 

Chris [00:16:28] Jesse says that brunch is a drunk agenda, not a gay agenda. 

Caller [00:16:33] It can be both. 

Chris [00:16:34] Brian, I think in reference to brunch being a part of the gay agenda says, That heavily depends on the restaurant. Arlene says, My son has been giggling throughout the call. And that’s a good sign. I’m glad you find it funny, buddy. 

Caller [00:16:48] Another child I’ve corrupted. 

Chris [00:16:50] Arlene also wants to know why you have nunchucks lying around. 

Caller [00:16:57] They weren’t lying around. I just entered- there was a store that said, like, you need Chinese gifts. And I was like, Oh my God, I need Chinese gifts. And so I entered. And I found nunchucks for $8. And I bought them. 

Chris [00:17:11] Yeah, that’ll do it. You seem like you- You strike me very much as someone who just kind of goes where the winds take you, huh? You’re like, Oh, this place sells nunchucks. I guess I’ll buy nunchucks. This couple wants to sleep with me. They say brunch. I guess I’ll eat the brunch and we’ll take it from there. You just kind of land wherever the tides toss you, don’t you? 

Caller [00:17:31] Well, if I told you how I even ended up at that party, it’s because I made a friend my first weekend here. At the line of a club. And he had a dog and I was petting the dog and he was like, Do you want to go to the club together? And I was like, Sure. And they let us in with the dog. And then we met a couple who wanted to watch, who wanted us to like watch them have sex. This is the second time I’ve been offered for a threesome, man. I’ve been here in New York for a month and a half. 

Chris [00:17:57] So you moved tp New York one- you moved to New York six weeks ago, you’ve been propositioned by couples twice. 

Caller [00:18:05] Twice. Twice!

Chris [00:18:07] Where did you move from? Oh, a small island. I should probably not say where I’m from. 

Chris [00:18:12] Did you say small island? 

Caller [00:18:15] Yeah. Island. Island girl. 

Chris [00:18:19] So you moved from a small island to New York City, and now you’re exuding some sort of energy that’s attracting every poly couple in the five boroughs towards you, as you’re also accruing ninja weaponry and friends with tiny dogs who can get the dogs past bouncers? 

Caller [00:18:38] Listen, when you say it that way it sounds crazy, but I promise it’s all true. 

Chris [00:18:43] These are- all I’m doing is reiterating the details you’ve brought up. A small island. This is like an 80s sitcom. 

Caller [00:18:55] Well, I was going to say something that was going to make you feel bad. 

Chris [00:18:58] What’s that? 

Caller [00:19:00] I was going to say, I was going to say I wasn’t alive in the 80s. But I’ll watch whatever you’re referencing. 

Chris [00:19:06] Oh, I see. So since I’m 41, I was about to reference sitcoms that you were going to be like, that was canceled 12 years before I was born. I’m about to bring up Perfect Strangers. You’re going to be like, Oh, I think I once read about that in a Wikipedia entry about some other more modern show. 

Caller [00:19:23] No, I would probably watch it in a TikTok but sure. 

Chris [00:19:26] You haven’t- there’s no sitcoms I grew up with that you’ve ever heard of, have you? 

Caller [00:19:32] Yes. What’s the one in San Francisco? I also was born in a different country. So this is not a fair game. 

Chris [00:19:41] Full House. 

Caller [00:19:41] Yes, that one. 

Chris [00:19:42] Full house. You ever hear of Facts of Life? 

Caller [00:19:48] Yes. That somebody referenced that. 

Chris [00:19:53] Wow. Okay. What do you think it is? Wait, can I ask you? And you don’t have to be- you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want or even be super specific. What neighborhood in New York did you move to? 

Caller [00:20:06] Brooklyn. 

Chris [00:20:09] Brooklyn. Yeah. And the clubs you’re going out to, they’re also in Brooklyn, right? 

Caller [00:20:13] No, actually, mostly SoHo. But mostly because my friends like going out in SoHo. 

Chris [00:20:17] SoHo. So you’re going out to these SoHo clubs and everybody’s hitting on you. Do you have any idea? And again, I’m just curious, do you have any idea why people are so flagrantly hitting on you and and multiple people are proposing threesomes? 

Caller [00:20:29] You’re making it seem like I’m walking down the street. I wish it was like that. But hell no. 

Chris [00:20:33]  Do you know how many-. 

Caller [00:20:34] What happened? 

Chris [00:20:35] That’s never happened to me. I’ve never been in line for a club, let alone propositioned in line for a club. I’ve literally never been in line for a club. That’s how-. 

Caller [00:20:44] I wasn’t propositioned in the line for a club. I met my gay bestie in line for the club with a dog. Once we got inside, the couple who was obviously not gay was at the bar. So we were like, Why is a straight couple here? Let’s investigate. And turns out we found out why they were there. 

Chris [00:20:58] My bad on all the details getting mixed up. The point still stands. This hasn’t happened to me. So I’m wondering if you know what it is about you and your life that is inviting it. I think it’s exciting in many ways that you’re inviting it. I’m not judging it. But I’m wondering if you can capture what’s happening here. 

Caller [00:21:16] Uh, I think half of it is like I am going out alone. So people who want to go out, you know, people who go out alone in New York have a certain energy to them, you know? You’re looking out for something and you put that out. So that’s half of it. And then the other half is I’m charming. 

Chris [00:21:36] You’re charming? Is that what you said? 

Caller [00:21:38] I’m. I’m charming. 

Chris [00:21:40] You are quite. I will say I’ve found you pretty charming thus far in the call. I feel like you’re you’re giving me the business, but in a way that’s clearly playful, but it’s still got some teeth to it. I think that that’s charming. Sure. 

Caller [00:21:57] Thank you. 

Chris [00:21:57] So what did you move to New York for? Because I don’t think it was to dress up as a ninja and get involved in threesomes. 

Caller [00:22:04] I regret telling you I dressed up as a ninja. 

Chris [00:22:06] Oh, it’s the best specific. It’s also not traditionally the sexiest Halloween costume. I think people expected-. 

Caller [00:22:13] Are you kidding me? It’s skin tight. 

Chris [00:22:15] Yeah, but your entire face is covered and your entire body is. I mean, I guess I’m also thinking of a very accurate ninja costume, which is built more for utility in attack mode than for sexiness. 

Caller [00:22:25] No, think of like a girl dressed up as a ninja for Halloween. 

Chris [00:22:29] Yeah, I guess when you put it like that, I’m probably- in my mind, I’m like, no, ninjas wear like those shoes with the two toes so they can climb up walls and stuff. Ninja costumes are about body protection and utilitarian and flexibility. But yeah, right. It’s a Halloween costume. Got it. Okay, so look- so that’s the other thing. You looked good it sounds like. Okay, people are hitting on you. Now why did you move to New York? 

Caller [00:22:52] Okay. So half of the reason I moved to New York was because I just needed to get out on my little island because I was bored, but mainly because there’s kind of a civil war going on in my family right now between my grandmother and my mother. And I’m in the middle of it. So I thought if I got away, I can get out of it. But joke’s on me, because as soon as my grandmother found out that I was in New York, she came to New York for a week and I had to avoid her. 

Chris [00:23:19] Your grandma followed you to New York? 

Caller [00:23:23] Well, she didn’t really follow me, she just flew here and told me she was here and called me every day. So I guess you could qualify that as following. But my mom told me not to talk to her, so I, I mean, I would, but I wouldn’t, like, meet up with her. Point is, I was back in the middle. They always call me to shit talk each other. But, like, why are they calling me? 

Chris [00:23:42] Yeah. Can I ask how many how many details are you comfortable giving me regarding this Civil War? That’s pretty intriguing. 

Caller [00:23:49] I mean, I can I can give you the main gist. They always kind of disliked each other. They just hid it more. They were better at hiding it when I was younger. I, like my mom would say stuff when I was younger that only to like later on to be like, oh, like she would always say like, don’t name your child the same name as you because you will, you won’t get along. And I’d be like, Why do you keep saying that? And then I’m like, Oh. When I was like older I was like, we have the same name. So that’s why she always kept saying that. And like, she would always like, tell me stories. You know she live vicariously through me for a bit. Like, she threw me like a big quinceanera because she didn’t have one. And then she threw- she sent me to camp because she couldn’t go to camp. So, you know, it’s like little things that I’m like, okay, so they’ve never gotten along. And in Covid it kind of exploded for whatever reason. 

Chris [00:24:43] So you feel like you can look back and realize a lot of your mom’s actions were like direct ways to counteract how she felt she was treated by your grandma. 

Caller [00:24:52] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And like, because I’m my mom’s only girl, she always treated me a bit, like, different than my brothers. It would always be like, because you’re a girl, like, to say stuff like, you can’t do that. But it would also be to like, why, why’s my grandmother doing this? Or like, why can’t I say this or that? Because you’re a girl and that’s how other women treat other women. So, you know, she has mommy issues, so it affects the way she talks to me, I guess. 

Chris [00:25:23] And when your grandma comes to New York and starts tracking you down, that strikes me as a very weird and intense thing to get that call. Am I right about that? 

Caller [00:25:32] Oh, yeah. I for a long time since I get that call, I don’t know if I would just see the name on it. And, you know, we all have like these weird nicknames for our grandmother. So it’s not like it says Grandmother. I wish I could give you a nickname from mine, but it probably, you know, put out my identity, so I can’t. But so it’s like this ridiculous name, like, like like, I don’t know, like Meemaw. And I would just be like panicking. People would be like, Why are you so terrified of Meemaw? 

Chris [00:26:00] So it comes up as not- this is the code name, but Meemaw pops up on the phone, people see a name akin to that, and you freak, you’re having a panic attack about Meemaw. 

Caller [00:26:13] I’m sweating and people are like, What’s wrong with Meemaw? 

Chris [00:26:16] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. And you managed to successfully avoid her. 

Caller [00:26:22] I managed to avoid her. I just kept delaying it. Delaying it. And then the last day, what I did was that I got- I went out and got hung over. So I wouldn’t pick up the phone. 

Chris [00:26:32] That’s a classy way to say you got drunk. That’s a very, very classy way to say that you got drunk. I went out and I got hung over. That does go down a lot easier than being like, I went out and got shitfaced. You skipped, you skipped the messy part and you went right to the day after. You are charming. You’re a little charmer. You’re not lying. 

Caller [00:26:54] I mean. Sure. Let’s say that. I’ll take the compliment. 

Chris [00:26:58] You went out and got hungover. 

Caller [00:26:58] Point is. Point is that, yes, I avoided like the last, I would say, day and a half by doing that. 

Chris [00:27:09] Now, Henry in the crowd says, My meemaw is also intimidating. Mike, oh, Mike says you should take your grandma clubbing. I think that that that’s a good idea. It would allow you and your grandma to maybe connect in a way that’s not- doesn’t allow for like intensity and your grandma to corner you, and also will stop couples from trying to pick you up and seduce you in a throuple because you’re there with your grandma. 

Caller [00:27:30] What happens if we do get offered a throuple? I mean, I don’t know what I would do with my grandma. It would be like the same thing with the dog. Like, where do we put it? 

Chris [00:27:40] Mm hmm. Mm hmm. So now that you’re in New York, what do you plan on doing in the city? So you kind of fled the small island life. You fled this family conflict. What do you want to do with your time in New York? 

Caller [00:27:52] The plan was to find myself, but people kept finding me, so it’s a little annoying. I was trying to just like go out there and like I downloaded all the apps, go out on these dates. I went out on two. They sucked. 

Chris [00:28:06] You did? Why did the dates suck?

Caller [00:28:08] And like just kind of have fun? 

Chris [00:28:09] Why did these dates suck? 

Caller [00:28:12] Because they turned out to be crazy. 

Chris [00:28:12] Who be crazy? 

Caller [00:28:14] The dates. The first one I went out was with, you’re gonna think I’m lying. She was married, too, Chris! 

Chris [00:28:22] The first date you went on was with a married guy? Did you know he was married before you got there? 

Caller [00:28:26] No, no, no, no, no. It was a girl and she had a ring on. And I said, That’s an interesting ring. She said, It’s from my fiancee of four years. 

Chris [00:28:34] Hold on. You started mumbling there. She had a ring on and she had been married for four years? 

Caller [00:28:40] No. She had a fiancee of four years. She was going to get married, but she didn’t. Because of Covid. 

Chris [00:28:45] Oh, fiancé. 

Caller [00:28:45] But she did sign the papers. So I don’t know. 

Chris [00:28:47]  Okay. So that was the first date with someone with a fiancee. What was the second date? Why was the second date crazy? 

Caller [00:28:55] Oh, he was just boring. 

Chris [00:28:57] It was just boring. What constitutes a boring date for you? 

Caller [00:29:03] He he just didn’t input- you know, you and I are going back and forth. It was just I was doing a stand up comedy show all by myself. 

Chris [00:29:12] You were doing all the talking while this person stared at you? 

Caller [00:29:17] Yes. And then he wanted to, like, go somewhere else. And I’m like, why would I go somewhere else? This is over. 

Chris [00:29:26] There is something about you that is really intimidating, and I can’t put my finger on why. 

Caller [00:29:35] What?! 

Chris [00:29:35] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re. You’re you’re very intimidating, too. Have you been told this before? 

Caller [00:29:41] This doesn’t make sense because people approached me in twos, Chris… Hello? 

Chris [00:29:55] Yeah. No, I’m still here. 

Caller [00:30:03] But yeah, keep telling me I’m intimidating. I’m sorry. 

Chris [00:30:07] What was your dating life like on your on your quote, small island? 

Caller [00:30:13] Um. It was fine. Like, I didn’t really. I mean, did I date? I think I did. Yeah. There was like a six month guy I dated. 

Chris [00:30:23] You dated a guy for six months. That was your only, like, long term relationship of any sort?

Caller [00:30:29] Yeah. He would bring me stuff to my house. It was very nice. 

Chris [00:30:36] Wait, what’s that mean? 

Caller [00:30:39] Like, if I was sick, he would show up with Oreos, cuz I love Oreos. 

Chris [00:30:42] Oh, that’s nice. Okay, so this was like a real relationship that felt like it had that kind of bonding in it. I like that. So that’s not that much dating experience to throw yourself into the world of New York City dating. 

Caller [00:30:56] Yeah. Honestly, it’s, it’s all a bad plan. 

Chris [00:31:00] Which app are you on that you are that the that the the girl with the fiancee found ya? 

Caller [00:31:08] Hinge. 

Chris [00:31:09] Hinge. Okay. I don’t know anything about any of the apps. Also, apparently, my son. 

Caller [00:31:13] Oh, my God. 

Chris [00:31:14] My son just yelled the words, I’m still here. And his mom, I’ve been told that’s- my son was in the corner yelling, I’m still here. And his mom now has taken him to go to bed. So okay. Now we can get down and dirty. Now we can get down and dirty. We going to do this threesome? Don’t hold back. The two year old isn’t listening anymore. We get this threesome going? You and them. I’m not- I’m- not me. I’m not trying to pick you up. 

Caller [00:31:39] Wait, are you asking me if I’m going to do the threesome? What are you asking me? 

Chris [00:31:42] Yeah, it was a joke. I mean, it’s already clear. It’s clear that you’re not going to do the threesome. 

Caller [00:31:48] Poor Cal. Honestly. I feel so bad. 

Chris [00:31:56] Where do things land- 

Caller [00:31:57] Oh, yeah, Hinge. 

Chris [00:31:58] Hinge. So you want to hit the streets. You want to date in New York City. You’re going out to clubs, you want to be young, you want to get away from the small island life, but it’s already got red flags and it’s overwhelming you. 

Caller [00:32:12] Uh hmm. I don’t know if it’s overwhelming. It’s just frustrating. Like, I thought I was going to get here, I was going to get on the apps, I was going to meet somebody, hopefully not on the apps. And then you could just do whatever. You know, I’m away. I’m all alone. I can do whatever I want. And then what keeps happening is that people who are, I shouldn’t say crazy, not the people I’m looking for, keep appearing in my life. 

Chris [00:32:41] Can I say something food for thought sake? And I’m not trying to be mean. 

Caller [00:32:47] Oh, no. 

Chris [00:32:48] No, I’m really not. It’s going to sound like I’m judging, but I’m really not trying to. If you’re only attracting crazy people, there is a big question. Well, the big question there is why is that happening? And I’m not blaming you, but I am wondering why? 

Caller [00:33:05] I failed. I got finally on Chris and he’s called me crazy. 

Chris [00:33:11] What’s that? 

Caller [00:33:14] I failed! I got to finally talk to you, and the deduction is that I’m crazy. 

Chris [00:33:19] No, not that you’re crazy. That you’re, that you’re attracting a lot of craziness because-. 

Caller [00:33:26] Oh my god. Maybe because my family is crazy? Oh no. 

Chris [00:33:29] What’s the craziest thing going on in your family? Let’s pause after that. What’s the craziest thing going on in your family? I’m gonna make a stunning prediction is that this does not have a simple and easy answer. We’ll find out together after the break. Thanks again to the advertisers who help this show exist. Now we’re going to finish off the phone call. What’s the craziest thing going on in your family? 

Caller [00:34:02] I mean, my grandmother coming to New York was really crazy. But I don’t know what is the craziest thing going on in my family right now besides that civil war? I mean, my mom got into, like spiritual stuff during COVID, so I think that’s crazy. But she doesn’t think it’s crazy. 

Chris [00:34:17] Spiritual stuff like, like what? 

Caller [00:34:21] Like, like she just painted every room in our house pink. Chris, pink. Because somebody told her the energies are better. 

Chris [00:34:32] So someone- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we’re getting there. Yeah. See, I don’t think you’re crazy, but there’s a there’s a foundation of craziness here, and it has not- I, I don’t know that moving to New York City has shaken away- so your mom was told by some sort of spiritual advisor that pink had a good energy and painted your entire house pink? 

Caller [00:34:52] Only the inside though. 

Chris [00:34:53] Only inside. 

Caller [00:34:54] I think she left the living room. I’m not there. But from what I hear from my brothers, she left the living room not pink and their room, but everything else. 

Chris [00:35:03] Okay. 

Caller [00:35:04] Pink. 

Chris [00:35:04] Uh huh. That’s a little. Yeah, that. Okay, I’m starting to see a foundation here. What else? What other crazy specifics are we talking about? What other crazy things are going on? 

Caller [00:35:15] Oh, my God. It’s all the spiritual stuff. I don’t have anything crazier. Like, she does hang, like, little crystal balls in every corner, but. 

Chris [00:35:23] So she painted the whole house pink. She hangs little crystal balls in every corner. Uh huh. Starting to get a vision of this. What else? What else? 

Caller [00:35:34] That’s about it. I mean, she does do her tarot cards every day, but every person who believes in, like, zodiac signs does that. I don’t even believe in Zodiac signs. I think I repel against that because of my mother. 

Chris [00:35:45] So your mom does tarot cards. She’s real into the zodiac. Crystal balls everywhere. The house is painted pink. 

Caller [00:35:53] Every time you say something back to me, I hear it and I’m just like, there’s not- it sounds worse. 

Chris [00:36:00] Well. I didn’t make any of it up. 

Caller [00:36:06] You have a point. You have- touché, my man. Touché.

Chris [00:36:10] What kind of job are you working in New York? 

Caller [00:36:14] Music publishing. 

Chris [00:36:15] What? 

Caller [00:36:17] Music publishing. 

Chris [00:36:18] Music publishing. That’s cool. 

Caller [00:36:22] Yeah. 

Chris [00:36:23] Like bands write songs and you help them file the paperwork to make to get the royalties in their name and stuff like that? 

Caller [00:36:31] Yeah, it’s less paper, more emails. But it is very much like I just make sure people get paid. I make sure your accounts’ set. I make sure any issue is resolved so that the money we collect gets to you. 

Chris [00:36:46] Hey, Knife Throat wants to know if your mom is into rocks because Knife Throat has a spiritual mom and Knife Throat’s mom is real into rocks. Is your mom into rocks? 

Caller [00:36:57] Yes! Why? Why do they like rocks? 

Chris [00:37:00] Knife Throat, why does your mom like rocks? 

Knife Throat [00:37:02] I don’t know. The energies? 

Chris [00:37:03] The energies. Is your mom all about the energies, caller? 

Caller [00:37:07] Yes. And then the you know, the crystal stuff. I hate that stuff. 

Chris [00:37:11] Is your mom into crystal’s too, knife throat? 

Knife Throat [00:37:14] Oh yeah. 

Chris [00:37:14] Does your mom paint the house pink? 

Knife Throat [00:37:16] No. 

Chris [00:37:16] Okay. That’s good. Yeah. No pink house. What’s that, caller? 

Caller [00:37:22] Oh, I’m just laughing that Knife Throat doesn’t have a house that’s pink and I do. Knife Throat.

Chris [00:37:29] Oh, here’s a good idea. Caller, Amanda says maybe if you read us your Hinge bio, we can all come together and help. Maybe if you let us know what’s on your Hinge bio, we can help deduce why you’re attracting some crazy people. Sound good? Oh, caller! Knife Throat is the name of the- this person’s name is not Knife Throat. Their band is named Knife Throat. Is there anywhere you can help knife throat with their music publishing? This was Tyler’s idea. You want to help out Knife Throat? 

Caller [00:37:57] Sure. I’ll look them up in the system and make sure they’re getting paid. I mean, that’s the least I can do for Knife Throat. 

Chris [00:38:01] Sound exchange. Knife Throat, the caller’s going to check into your sound exchange, make sure that Knife Throat’s getting paid. Okay. Caller, tell us what are some aspects of your Hinge profile? And maybe we can all flag why we think you’re getting people who exclusively want to have threesomes.

Caller [00:38:17] Oh, my gosh. First of all, there’s not a unicorn for anyone who’s thinking that. There’s not a unicorn in my profile. So let’s take that off the table. 

Chris [00:38:24] Oh, there’s not a unicorn. 

Caller [00:38:26] You know what a unicorn means, right? 

Chris [00:38:26] Well, unicorn, I think right, in the world of people who are throuples or swingers, a unicorn is an unattached female willing to get down in bed with a male female couple. Right? That’s a very hard thing to find. As rare as a unicorn is, I believe, why it’s that. Right? 

Caller [00:38:43] Beautiful explanation. 

Chris [00:38:46] So you do not identify yourself as a unicorn in your profile? What is going on in your profile? 

Caller [00:38:53] I mean, if you know how Hinge works, you like respond little props and stuff. And like my main thing, like my main like line I guess is, “I’m like a sangria; a little bit fruity.”. That’s cute. 

Chris [00:39:06] Okay. I think I don’t think anyone has a problem with that. Keep walking through. So your main line, I’m like a sangria; a little bit fruity. Okay. Okay. I don’t think that’s raising any huge warning signs. What else is in your Hinge profile? 

Caller [00:39:23] There’s a video. You know, there’s like a little prompt that says like, what- I’m afraid people are going to find my hinge profile now. Anyways, there’s there’s a little prompt that says, This is what dating me looks like, and it’s a video of me like making noise in a restaurant. Like I don’t know. It’s like me being like- my friend was recording me and I was being a little bit cute and obnoxious about it. 

Chris [00:39:48] Okay, so you have a cute, obnoxious video of you making noises in a restaurant. I’m on the fence about this one. I’m on the fence about this one. 

Caller [00:39:59] Oh, my God. Because he brought me cake and it wasn’t my birthday. Anyways. Every time I explain myself, it just sounds worse. 

Chris [00:40:06] It’s okay. What else is in the Hinge profile? What else is in there? 

Caller [00:40:11] I can’t remember. I’m trying to remember like the other prompts. Um, I think there was one of like before the little fruity thing of the sangria, I had like I’m like a $5 bill you forget in your pocket; a surprise. Or like a gift or something like that. 

Chris [00:40:27] Okay. Okay. And let me ask you the big question. Do you list yourself as a bisexual female on your profile? 

Caller [00:40:38] Yes. Does that- but that shouldn’t attract crazy, it should just attract men and women.   

Chris [00:40:44] No. Well, it’s just making me realize that I have to imagine that there might be some other bi female listeners, and I don’t know if anybody in the crowd identifies with this, so you can back me up, but what I’m deducing is that maybe your profile is not crazy. Maybe it’s just that someone who’s new to the city and in their early to mid twenties, listing themselves as bisexual female is in some ways, like you said, you don’t list yourself as a unicorn, but there might be some predators- I don’t want- do I want to say predatory? Might be some cutthroat people out there kind of scanning for that exact situation. And when they see a bisexual female, they might be kind of just putting you in that box, tokenizing you to a degree, thinking of you as only that; someone who serves their purposes for their threesome fantasies, and not considering that you’re an actual living, breathing human being who’s out there kind of looking for a match and some dates and maybe a connection and someone to take care of you and bring you Oreos when you’re sick. Maybe just saying bisexual, female, 24 years old in a profile means that there’s some people out there who disregard everything else in New York City because they just want to have a threesome and they don’t really care. I think that might be why you’re attracting some crazies. 

Caller [00:41:52] Okay. That makes sense why I’m attracting crazies in the app. However, both times I was propositioned for a threesome was in real life. 

Chris [00:42:02] Goddamn it. I thought I took a real good stand there. I thought I took a real good stand there and you blew that one out of the water. You’re right. You’re right. 

Caller [00:42:10] So that means it’s something that I am exuding. But it doesn’t make sense because the first couple, it wasn’t really a threesome. They wanted me and my new friend with the dog to watch them have sex. But that happened at a lesbian bar, so that was confusing. 

Chris [00:42:24] What? 

Caller [00:42:24] And then the other one was at a Halloween-. 

Chris [00:42:27] No, hold on. You don’t get to just move on. So wait. You were at a lesbian club and a couple wanted you and your gay male friend to watch them have sex? That was the first proposition. 

Caller [00:42:40] Yes. That’s the one with the dog, remember? 

Chris [00:42:44] Uh huh. 

Caller [00:42:45] So basically what happened was that I left the date with the boring guy and I thought to myself, I want to make out with a girl. 

Chris [00:42:55] So you went on a date with a guy that was so bad that you wanted to make out with a girl immediately. 

Caller [00:43:02] Yes. 

Chris [00:43:02] Yup. Got it. Yup. Okay. 

Caller [00:43:06] And so I Googled lesbian bar near me. Found one. Met the guy with the dog. Got in line together. Went inside. We saw a straight couple. We thought, why are they here? And then they propositioned. Well, it wasn’t like immediately, but like maybe half an hour before the club closed, they propositioned us to go back to the hotel room because they were from Connecticut. And I’ve heard Connecticut people are crazy. They come to New York to do their things and they go back. And they wanted us to go back to their hotel room to watch them have sex. They even showed us videos of them having sex in like on their phone. Like they literally- I was like, don’t like, don’t show me nothing you’re not comfortable with, like talking to the girl. And then my gay friend was like, I want to see! I want to see! Is that your dick? And I was like, No! But then we thought about it. But then we didn’t go because of the dog. 

Chris [00:43:56] You didn’t go because of the dog? 

Caller [00:43:59] We didn’t know where to put the dog, Chris. It was a small hotel. 

Chris [00:44:04] So you were actually like moments away from going to watch a straight couple you met with a gay man in a lesbian bar have sex except for that damn dog. Foiled again by that damn dog like a goddamn Scooby Doo cartoon. Scooby Doo was this cartoon-

Caller [00:44:20] I mean, I was more apprehensive but he wanted to go. 

Chris [00:44:24] Back when I was young, there was a dog. Scooby Doo. He hung out in a van with a bunch of stoners. Yeah, they’ve relaunched Scooby Doo a number of times. So you did see videos of this straight couple having sex on a phone? 

Caller [00:44:40] It wasn’t them really having sex. But do you want the details? Is Cal gone? 

Chris [00:44:45] We’re good. What are the details? 

Caller [00:44:47] Is this ever going to get published? I don’t think this is going to get published. If I give you the det- anyway. I’m just going to give you the details. 

Chris [00:44:53] I think it will highly increase the chance. Yeah. 

Caller [00:44:57] Oh, God. It was a video of I’m like fucking in between her tits. And then, like, he would come on her. And I was like, Why are you showing us this? And the girl was like, sweating. She’s like, Tim, stop, Tim. Oh my gosh, people are going to see. And I was like, What the fuck? And my gay friend was like, Is that your dick? And the dog was asleep on a chair. 

Chris [00:45:16] Wait, the dog being asleep on the chair is not the end. That that’s an incidental detail. That is a severe diversion. So they showed you a video. So you go. So you, a bi female, go to a lesbian bar where you interact with everyone except lesbians in the course of this evening. 

Caller [00:45:41] You know, I left that day defeated because that was my one mission. And I didn’t fucking complete it. 

Chris [00:45:45] I hear you. So you wind up hanging out with a gay male with a small dog. You wind up meeting a straight couple who shows you a video of the male member of the couple ejaculating onto the chest of the female couple. They want you to come back to the hotel room to watch more live in person. You’re both down. Except for the dog. 

Caller [00:46:08] Well, yes. I mean, the girlfriend was kind of apprehensive. She was the one that was, like, less like, no, like, we only have one more day in New York. Like, let’s go. Like, she was, like, trying to get her boyfriend out. But her boyfriend was doing everything to like, make me make out with his girlfriend. And then I was like, I’m not going to do it if she doesn’t want to. Even though I wanted to. But I wasn’t going to do it because I respect her, unlike her boyfriend. And then my gay friend just wanted to like fuck him, so… 

Chris [00:46:37] The gay friend wanted to fuck him? Was he down with that, too? 

Caller [00:46:42] No. He kept saying it wasn’t homophobic, but he couldn’t do that. But my gay friend had faith. I don’t know. 

Chris [00:46:49] This man was homophobic but showing videos of himself ejaculating on to another human to your friend? 

Caller [00:46:55] He said he wasn’t homophobic. He kept saying he’s like, I’m not homophobic but I can’t. He was like saying like, he couldn’t. But I mean, I don’t know. If we went back to the hotel room, I think, like, anything could’ve happened. But we didn’t. Okay? We didn’t. 

Chris [00:47:11] These goddamn Connecticut people. Really living up to that notorious reputation of the crazy Connecticut person. That well-known thing that not you know, you’ve heard about it. I’ve heard about it, been saying it for years. I’m in Woodstock with all of us, not too far from Connecticut. And I think we can all agree, if there’s one thing they say in the greater New York metro area, it’s Connecticut people are fucking nuts, man. No, I’m being sarcastic. I lived in New York City for 16 years. I’ve lived in North Jersey my whole life. Not one time has I have I ever heard this stereotype that Connecticut people are notorious lunatics. Not at all. 

Caller [00:47:53] Well, I heard that they come to New York to do their freaky shit and they leave. That’s because a friend, like, knew a Connecticut guy. 

Chris [00:48:00] That’s the bridge and tunnel crowd. Yeah. I mean, yeah, there’s- there are people who go into New York City to act, you know, act out all sorts of fantasies and get messed up and stay up all night and do drugs. And sometimes in this case, yeah, some sex stuff and want to get out. Sure. Goddamn Connecticut. Um, caller. 

Caller [00:48:24] Yeah. 

Chris [00:48:26] Be honest with me. Are you looking-

Caller [00:48:29] Yes. 

Chris [00:48:29] Are you looking for, like, a stable one on one long term relationship when you go on Hinge? 

Caller [00:48:34] Yes! That is all I want. All I want is to date someone who will bring me Oreos again. All I want is someone who will stay in with me and watch Netflix shows. It’s getting cold. It’s (UNCLEAR) season. I don’t want to go out in ninja costumes anymore. Not like full body cover and into costumes just in case. I just want to find somebody. 

Chris [00:48:59] Have you ever thought about switching your Hinge profile away from the line about, I’m a little fruity to saying, I just want someone who’s going to bring me Oreos when I’m sick? Because I have a feeling no couples looking for a threesome will message you if you say that. 

Caller [00:49:15] You know what? I will switch it up and let’s see. And if I do get in that relationship and he does end up bringing me Oreos and is stable, all after I change that, I will, I don’t know, DM you about it or something. But you will be right. 

Chris [00:49:29] Amanda agrees with me. Says that’s your new bio, the Oreo thing. If anyone else out there has ideas for what should be in the caller’s Hinge profile, please, people at the Woodstock Colony, let’s go ahead and pitch them right here. Caller. 

Caller [00:49:51] Yes. 

Chris [00:49:51] Oh, wait. Hold on one second. There are some people, I just found out, using the hashtag Deaf Haunted Anonymous, as in can’t hear. It D E F as in definitely. So I just. Now Jessie sits here and says she 100% does not want a relationship. That’s Jesse’s uh Jesse in the crowd seems to think that you are not looking for a relationship. 

Caller [00:50:18] Well, here’s the thing. I do want a relationship. But I want a relationship who will go out with me. Like we need to go out dancing. Like I can’t be in a relationship that we will just stay in and eat Oreos and watch Netflix. Like we need to be a fun couple. 

Chris [00:50:32] And what does being a fun couple entail? It entails dancing? And you can be totally honest. This is anonymous. 

Caller [00:50:37] I will tell you what it doesn’t entail. It doesn’t entail threesomes. 

Chris [00:50:40] It doesn’t? Not ever? 

Caller [00:50:42] It- not the first year, I guess. 

Chris [00:50:45] Okay. No threesomes in the first year. No threesomes in the first year. 

Caller [00:50:52] Oh, my God. Maybe like, just like people who can dance. I like people who like to dance, I like people who watch dance. I like people like rooftops. I like people who want to have fun. People who will entertain me. And also be entertained by me. I want people who have fun ideas and cool spots for pictures. 

Chris [00:51:16] Cool spots for pictures? 

Caller [00:51:20] Yeah. You know how like some days- well, I don’t know if you know, but some days you and your friends just hang out and you go to, like, a cool spot, and you all take pictures of each other, and then you go out to eat, and then that’s it? You can do, like, a little couply, like photo shoot. My friends do it. 

Chris [00:51:37] Little couply photo shoots? That sounds sweet. That sounds sweet. And you throw them up on the Instagram, right? 

Caller [00:51:45] Actually, I left Instagram, so I don’t even know why I want to do that. But I do want to do that. 

Chris [00:51:50] You left Instagram. What social media apps are you using now? 

Caller [00:51:54] TikTok. Only TikTok.

Chris [00:51:56] TikTok. Yeah, I am old and you are young. There is a clear generational divide that has only grown since. 

Caller [00:52:02] Twitter. Twitter. 

Chris [00:52:03] You use Twitter as well. Okay. That’s my- face- when was the last time you logged on to Facebook? 

Caller [00:52:10] What? No. Maybe… High school? I had to do like a project or something?

Chris [00:52:18] You had to do- it was required for a project in high school. 

Caller [00:52:21] No, no. No, no, no. Wait. No, it was. It was in college. We had to buy, like, a ticket for a club through the Facebook group. 

Chris [00:52:29] Oh. So only when you have to purchase goods that are only sold through Facebook do you log on to Facebook. When I bring up the word Facebook, do you immediately just in your head, are you just like, fuck off, Boomer? Is that like your initial thought in your head?  

Caller [00:52:40] No, no, you’re making it seem like I’m ageist. 

Chris [00:52:44] No, you’re not ageist, I’m just saying there’s a clear divide between us. You rolled your eyes at Instagram. So you go on TikTok. TikTok is baffling to me. Okay. I’m just going to stop saying things that make me sound old. Okay, everyone- Mike says everyone knows the no threesomes in the first year rule. Unless you’re from Connecticut, then all bets are off. Well said, Mike. And Benjamin says there has to be a Facts of Life episode that can sort all this out for her and her family. Has to be one exploring these exact family dynamics. Caller, can I ask you a blunt question? 

Caller [00:53:18] I mean, why stop now, please? 

Chris [00:53:20] Well, you said, you know, you told us your mom’s hanging crystals and into rocks and painting the house pink. And then you said your grandma’s flying to New York and trying to kind of, like, get you alone but your mom is saying, don’t see her. You’re in the middle of the Civil War. It sounds like you don’t want to be in the middle of it. Just in a blunt way- and saying this as non-judgmental as possible- but just hearing that these prior generations of your family are putting you in the middle, who do you think is the one that’s kind of being crazier, your mom or your grandma? 

Caller [00:53:50] Oh, between them, two? 

Chris [00:53:51] Yeah. 

Caller [00:53:52] Oh, that’s easy. My grandma. 

Chris [00:53:54] Your grandma. So what’s your grandma doing? Because if your mom’s painting the house pink and hanging crystals from every corner, what’s your grandma doing that’s making her the crazy one? 

Caller [00:54:05] Well, calling me every other day, showing up. Well, she doesn’t call me anymore after I ghosted her in New York, thank God. But she used to call me every other day. Showing up unannounced to people’s places and requesting to see people when they obviously don’t want to see you. It’s more confrontational. So I think that’s more crazy. My mom is just having fun at her house, painting it pink. That doesn’t bother anyone. 

Chris [00:54:33] And what’s your grandma trying to confront you about? Like when she sits you down, what’s the what’s the stuff she says that’s making you avoid her? 

Caller [00:54:42] She doesn’t say anything to me. That’s the other thing that’s annoying. They- it’s very coded, very like behind each other’s backs. And then when I tell it to them, they’re like, of course she would say that! I’m like oh, god, what’d she say? But it’s more of like my mother doesn’t talk to her anymore, so she wants to get to my mother’s through me. So she’s like my mom just like disappeared during Covid. She was like boop, I don’t have to see you. I can’t see you. Goodbye. And my grandmother never got a reason why or a goodbye. And so I think she just wants to confront my mother through me for that. But that’s- so it’s not really like she says anything to me. It’s not like she’s yelling at me or telling me like, tell me the truth! What’s going on? It’s more of like, telling me a sob story so I will tell my mother. And then my mother tells me, of course she would say that. She wants you to think she’s not being the crazy one. 

Chris [00:55:37] Got it. 

Caller [00:55:37] And it’s a back and forth. 

Chris [00:55:39] And now when you say small island, how small we talking? 

Caller [00:55:44] Small enough that I don’t want to say it. 

Chris [00:55:47] Small enough that if someone on the island hears about it, they’ll they’ll know this was you? Like everybody knows everybody? 

Caller [00:55:56] I don’t think anyone listening to this, but it might sound a bit too familiar to some people. 

Chris [00:56:05] Ouch. 

Caller [00:56:05] What do you mean, ouch? 

Chris [00:56:05] I mean, it’s a pretty popular show. Someone on the island. It’s conceivable that someone on the island is a fan of my work. 

Caller [00:56:14] No, I know my friends listen to your podcast, so I need to be careful. But if anyone on the island would listen to your podcast, I don’t think it would immediately be like, Oh, it’s this person. But if my friends listen to this, yeah, they know it’s me. 

Chris [00:56:31] Now, when we say small island, do we mean like you can walk from one end of the island to the other? 

Caller [00:56:38] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not like that. I mean, small island, because it is kind of like living in a small town where everyone knows everyone. But we have access to, like, big city things. Like it’s not like small small. It’s just that the social circle is small. So that’s why I’m trying to keep- 

Chris [00:56:55] So everybody knows each other’s business. Now. 

Caller [00:56:59] Yes. 

Chris [00:57:00] You had mentioned dating. 

Caller [00:57:01] My mom hates that. 

Chris [00:57:02] I bet. Now, you mentioned dating a guy, I believe you said, for six months on the island. You said this was kind of your most substantial relationship. You’ve also said-. 

Caller [00:57:11] Oh, that I wasn’t on the island. That was in Boston. 

Chris [00:57:14] Oh, that was- 

Caller [00:57:14] Oh, I shouldn’thave said that maybe. 

Chris [00:57:15] You lived in Boston for a while. 

Caller [00:57:17] It was in the U.S.. Yeah. 

Chris [00:57:19] That was after you moved to the US. Well, I was going to ask, in a in a culture where everybody learns about everybody’s business, I was going to ask if coming out as bi if that was tougher because everybody knows your business right away. I wasn’t sure about that. 

Caller [00:57:39] Well, funny enough, they don’t really know. The only people that know are my friends and my brothers. Where like family wise they don’t know. And the reason they don’t know is because I saw my cousin go through it. She’s gay, gay. And she really went through it. So I was like, You know what? I’m going to keep this. 

Chris [00:57:59] Your cousin came out and the whole island, it became like the whole island’s business in a way that wasn’t fair. So you said, let’s not let’s let’s express this once I get to the States? Let’s explore this? 

Caller [00:58:09] Funny enough, the whole island was fine with it. It was the family that wasn’t. 

Chris [00:58:13] It was the family. 

Caller [00:58:15] Yeah. 

Chris [00:58:16] Mm hmm. So your mom doesn’t know? Your grandma doesn’t know? 

Caller [00:58:22] No, unless they listen to this podcast. 

Chris [00:58:24] So you had a stretch of life where your grandma was stalking you around New York while you’re in- there’s- was your, was your grandma in New York when you went to that lesbian bar? 

Caller [00:58:37] Was she? I hmm, I don’t think she- actually, maybe. Maybe she had arrived. Yeah, I think that was the day she was arriving. 

Chris [00:58:42] There’s a chance your grandma was, like, following you around and looked through the window and over your shoulder saw you watching a video of a guy cumming on a woman’s chest while the man and the woman in the video were, like standing there, grinning with wide, eager eyes? And that’s how your grandma was like… 

Caller [00:58:57] There is there is a chance. 

Chris [00:59:02] How do you think your grandma would have reacted to that? 

Caller [00:59:06] Oh, I honestly, I think she would have just like beeline to me and grabbed my phone and called my mom. I don’t think she would have cared. 

Chris [00:59:13] Nothing would have brought your mom and your grandma together more than your grandma being like, do not go to this hotel room with these people from Connecticut. This cannot happen. Your mom being like, we finally- me and me, me and your meemaw finally agree on something. You’ve brought us together. You can come back to the island. Everything’s okay now. 

Caller [00:59:35] If that was the thing that needed to happen for them to get along, I would do it. I would find that couple. Because they did add me on Instagram in case they came back from Connecticut. I’m telling you, Connecticut people are crazy. You laugh. But they did get my Instagram in case they came back. 

Chris [00:59:49] Is that the couple that wants to take you to brunch? The one where you’ve already seen a video of the man ejaculating? 

Caller [00:59:55] No, no, that’s a different couple. But they both have my Instagram for some reason. 

Chris [00:59:57] Different couple. Okay. They’re both. So you’re not contemplating meeting up with the Connecticut couple anytime soon? 

Caller [01:00:06] No. They’re not here. But no. 

Chris [01:00:09] What would happen if they got back? So you are friends with them on Instagram too, you said? 

Caller [01:00:14] Yeah. They added me before they left. They grabbed my phone. 

Chris [01:00:18] So there’s a chance you get a DM from them one day where they’re like, Hey, hope you’re well. And you’re like, Hey. Yeah, cool. Like, remember that time you showed me explicit videos of your sex acts? Uh yeah. 

Caller [01:00:31] Yeah. 

Chris [01:00:31] Wow. 

Caller [01:00:31] Exactly. You want to know something crazy? Oh, my gosh. I shouldn’t maybe say this. What if he listens to this? The dude, he worked for the Secret Service. Or at least he said he used to. That he used to work for the Secret Service. I don’t know if that’s fake or not, but he said that. 

Chris [01:00:53] The guy who showed you the video of him ejaculating on his wife’s chest? 

Caller [01:00:56] Yes! 

Chris [01:00:57] He works for the Secret Service? 

Caller [01:00:58] Yes! 

Chris [01:00:59] Oh, well, now I’m on some some sort of list. You dragged me into this. That’s where our tax dollars are being spent, everybody. That’s where our tax dollars are being spent. 

Caller [01:01:11] He said he used to work for the secret- And you know what? The other couple. I’m just I’m putting everybody’s business out there. You know what the other couple does? 

Chris [01:01:18] What? 

Caller [01:01:19] They’re on Broadway. 

Chris [01:01:22] That one’s less surprising. 

Caller [01:01:29] Well, that surprised me. They kept harmozing. I’m like, I feel like I’m on Broadway. And they were like, We are. And I was like, Whoa. 

Chris [01:01:35] Yeah. A couple of artists getting out there getting freaky. That makes sense more than a guy who’s like, Yeah, from um, you know, 28 days of the month, I’m out there protecting the Secretary of Agriculture. And then the other three days of the month, I’m out here showing videos- showing my videos to you of me fuckin blastin! Like that’s, that’s definitely… 

Caller [01:02:00] Oh, my God. This is too much. 

Chris [01:02:05] Caller. 

Caller [01:02:07] Mm hmm? 

Chris [01:02:08] What are you doing after we get off the phone tonight with your Friday night? 

Caller [01:02:14] Honestly, I was going to check my texts because I was talking to my friends. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. So I was going to see who responded, who didn’t, figure it out. And if nobody responds, go out alone again and meet some crazy sicko people, I guess. 

Chris [01:02:29] If you wind up going out alone, do you have any ideas where you might head? 

Caller [01:02:34] Yes. But I shouldn’t say. 

Chris [01:02:36] I mean, we won’t be publishing this in the next 2 hours. 

Caller [01:02:41] You’re in front of a live audience, Chris. 

Chris [01:02:43] In Woodstock, New York. They would have to drive two and a half hours to try to meet you. 

Caller [01:02:47] Oh, you’re right. You’re right. 

Chris [01:02:51] And as long as you’re not dressed as a ninja, they’ll have no idea who you are. 

Caller [01:02:57] You’re right. I forgot. Okay, wait. I mean, the two options are the rooftop that I love, that I always go to, been going since high school. Um The Standard Highland Hotel has a rooftop called The Bank. Amazing. Saw a threesome in there in a hottub. What is happening? Every time I say a story, threesome comes up. What is happening? Anyways. And then the other place that I wanted to go, haven’t been to yet, is the House of Yes here in Brooklyn. 

Chris [01:03:21] I’ve been to the House of Yes. You’ll definitely see- if you only see a threesome at the House of. Yes, that’s a low number for the House of Yes. The House of Yes is fucking cool but it’s like an art arts collective, aerial theater, experimental, physical theatre collective. So if you’re only hanging out on rooftops in Soho and the Meatpacking District, you’re going to the cocaine spots. That’s why you’re seeing threesomes! You go to places where people are doing tons of-. 

Caller [01:03:51] I don’t do cocaine. I don’t do cocaine. Only one of my friends does cocaine. And good for her. I don’t do cocaine. 

Chris [01:03:57] And that’s the person who clearly plans your social agenda, it sounds like. 

Caller [01:04:04] I just like to dance, bro. And people on cocaine are apparently good dancers, from what you’re saying. 

Chris [01:04:08] I don’t actually know if the House of Yes is a cocaine spot. And what I can say is that that’s-. 

Caller [01:04:13] Yeah, you’re blasting them. 

Chris [01:04:14] I know that place is cool and experimental and I like it and I’ve seen shows there. Caller, I wish you nothing but the best. You’ve got 30 seconds left. How do you think how do you think your night’s going to end? If you go out by yourself and you go to this rooftop, how do you think it ends? 

Caller [01:04:35] Probably with another weirdo on my Instagram. That’s the most probable answer. 

Chris [01:04:42] I hear you. I hear you.  

Caller [01:04:44] Or, just finding love. Who knows? Maybe you’ll give me good energy. I doubt it. 

Chris [01:04:48] I like that that’s where we ended. And I hope you find love. But I just have a feeling it’s going to be a series of fucking weirdos for a long time. But I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that I hope that you find everything you’re looking for. And let’s just see our last few audience contributions we have… Oh, no. Oh no.

Caller [01:05:14] Oh, no. What? What? 

Chris [01:05:16] We have people saying this show is now being wiretapped since you brought up Secret Service. We have someone saying, Jesse telling me that their 65 year old babysitter went to the house of Yes last weekend. So that’s very cool. And then Henry will close this episode. Henry. You have- this- I don’t know. I don’t want to hype this up too much because I don’t want to say that like I’ve never had an audience member put the cherry on top of a sundae the way you are about to. But the closing line of this episode is that Henry says your new hinge bio should be: I saw the Secret Service shoot a woman. 

Caller [01:06:03] Oh my god! 

Chris [01:06:04] Well. Done. Henry. And thank you so much, caller, for filling us in on your crazy threesome life. I wish you nothing but the best. Caller, thank you so much for calling in and for being so open and sharing so much with the live crowd in Woodstock and with our listeners here today. And much love to you. Thank you indeed. This show is produced by Anita Flores. Got to say thanks to Andrea Quinn and Jared O’Connell, who always help with the live shows and also to Ryan Connor, who engineers the show. Our theme song is by ShellShag. You can go to ChrisGeth.com if you want to know more about me, including my live dates. Got Chicago, Wisconsin, Georgia, all sorts of stuff happening. Hey, wherever you’re listening, you can hit subscribe, favorite, follow. It really helps when you hit that button. You can also find our latest merch at podswag.com. We got mugs, shirts, posters and more. And if you want your episodes of Beautiful/Anonymous without any ads, you’re going to want to sign up at Stitcher Premium. Use the promo code “stories” for a one month free trial at Stitcher dot com slash premium.