EP. 245 — Sasheer is Hangry… Watch Out!

NICOLE: Hi, hi, hi! So I do have some shows coming up. On February 23rd through 24th, I’m doing four shows at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. So, come on over. Come on over, baby. Wow. It’s a continuation of Black History Month.

SASHEER: We’re still in it.

NICOLE: We’re still in it, y’all. The shortest month of the year, and it’s ours.

SASHEER: Do you have any more Black history facts?

NICOLE: Ooh. Let’s see. “Top Ten Inventions by Black People.” It’s a tab that I have open.

SASHEER: Oh! Why were you looking at it?

NICOLE: I can’t remember. Oh, I think I was sharing with somebody else that Black people invented hockey. And then they were like, “What else did Black people invent?” And then I was looking it up. So you better believe the mailbox, the traffic light… So communication and stopping and going. The automatic shift gear, the clothing dryer, automatic elevator doors, the folding chair, a furnace, the modern toilet, home security systems… And I believe a Black woman invented the sanitary napkin.

SASHEER: Yes, that’s all true. Wow. I also think I did see a video on the woman who invented the home security system because she was living in a dangerous area and was worried and was like, “I think I can figure this out.” She figured out a whole, like, video system on how to, like, film outside the home–and then, I guess, like an alarm system, too–just sort out of a need.

NICOLE: I love that. She was like, “These people. I’m gonna catch ’em. Imma figure out the fuck how.” I love it.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: That’s great. Also, this lady, Madam C. J. Walker–I think she’s the first Black millionaire because she invented hair stuff. You know, general hair stuff.

SASHEER: Was it relaxers?

NICOLE: I think it might have been relaxers. The creamy crack. You relaxed your hair for a little bit, right?

SASHEER: Yeah. From third grade to 19 years old.

NICOLE: I think mine was a little later, but I have such a sensitive head. And-ooh–it would burn. And it would be so itchy. And then I would scab right up. And it was so painful. Oh. She also invented the hot comb.

SASHEER: I also hated the hot comb.

NICOLE: I remember, Sundays before going to church, my mom would hot comb my hair. And my hair would be sizzling. And it was funny because when, like, my white friends would, like, get their parents to do their hair, it wasn’t in the kitchen. And I was like, “Wait, not everyone does their hair in the kitchen?”

SASHEER: Yeah, I think there was just more room in the kitchen? And also the stove–if you have the stove on…

NICOLE: For the hot comb? Yes.

SASHEER: Washing your hair while you’re on the counter, head leaned into the sink.

NICOLE: A makeshift beauty salon right in the kitchen.

SASHEER: In the kitchen! That’s very funny.

NICOLE: I used to hate having my mom wash my hair when I wasn’t getting a bath at the same time, where it was like, “Oh, hop on this countertop, li’l fatty. Lean your head back. Close your eyes.’ And my mom would get soap or shampoo in my eye and then tell me I was fine. And I would be like, “Ma’am? What? I’m not fine. You’re drowning me.” And then she would burn me and then tell me I wasn’t burnt. She’d be like, “That’s just steam, or that’s just the smoke.” And I’m like, “No, that was my ear sizzling, ma’am. You see what you’re doing.”

SASHEER: “You’re hurting me.” “No, but it’s your fault.”

NICOLE: “It is your fault. You didn’t move your ear in time.” “What? Don’t come at me with it.” God, it was so hot, too.

SASHEER: Why do you think they call the, like, nape of your neck–that hair there–the “kitchen?”

NICOLE: I think it’s because sometimes things get burnt up and crunchy in the kitchen. And then you’re sweating back there, and it gets all crunchy.

SASHEER: Maybe?

NICOLE: I don’t know. Judith, can you look it up?

SASHEER: Because what gets crunchy in the actual kitchen?

NICOLE: Oh, say you fried chicken or something, and the grease gets too hot and gets all crunchy.

SASHEER: Yeah. “The term ‘kitchen’ is used to describe the shorter hairs located on the back of one’s neck.”

NICOLE: But why? “There are many explanations for this term’s origin. Since the hair is located in the back of the neck, hairstyling usually took place in the kitchen. It just stuck.” Oh. Sometimes Googling be hard and you’re like, “Just give me what I need.” You sent me a video where it was a man going, “White slang and Black slang. Black saying is just white slang backwards or the opposite.” And that made me laugh so hard. It was like, “You don’t want a piece of me.” And it’s like, “I’m the one you want.” It was just a bunch of different things that were funny to me.

SASHEER: There was an up and down one. “What’s up?” and “I’m down.” Or…

NICOLE: No, I think that was it.

SASHEER: Yeah. Okay.

NICOLE: Yeah. It’s like, “What’s up? I’m down.” I can’t remember any of the other ones. Wow.

SASHEER: Damn.

NICOLE: It seems like Google doesn’t know. And Google was like, “I’ll never figure it out. You’ll just Google this forever.”

SASHEER: Tell us, Google.

NICOLE: Google, please. Is there anything that you’re going to do this month to celebrate being a Black person?

SASHEER: You know, I don’t often think about it like that. And what should I do? What do you do? Do you do anything to celebrate being a Black person?

NICOLE: No. And I was wondering if you did. And then I was like, “Oh, I’ll just jump on your celebration.”

SASHEER: You know, I’ll probably just continue to be late to things.

NICOLE: And I’ll continue speaking during movies at full volume. Yeah, I don’t really do anything to celebrate Black History Month, and I feel like I should. I mean we have a whole month. And, you know, people complain that it is the shortest month. But I’m like, “I don’t want to be responsible for 30 days.”

SASHEER: “Responsible?” What do you mean? What are you already responsible for?

NICOLE: So much, Sasheer. Just there’s so much on my plate and on my shoulders. And I like that it’s only 28 days. It’s hard to be proud for 30.

SASHEER: We need a break. We’ve been working hard enough.

NICOLE: So fucking hard. Maybe I’ll have a Black History Month party, and I’ll ask everyone to dress up like their favorite Black people from history.

SASHEER: Why are you dressing up your friends like this? You’re gonna get someone canceled.

NICOLE: I’ll invite my allies, and I’ll say, “You can do this however you want.”

SASHEER: “Open interpretation. I can’t wait to see what you come up with.”

NICOLE: I do think the Black History Month of Nailed It! is one of my crowning achievements. I had so much fun because I got to, like, actually EP that episode and pick out, like, all this stuff. And I think people were worried about how it would turn out, and I thought it was really fun.

SASHEER: Yeah, because it was, like, the Tuskegee Airmen.

NICOLE: That I couldn’t say–yes. There was the first… Somebody Chisholm?

SASHEER: Shirley Chisholm.

NICOLE: And then, I think, a runner. Oh, man, I did such a good job that I can’t remember what happens in the episode.

SASHEER: Was it Flo Jo?

NICOLE: No, it wasn’t Flo Jo who? You know, I like that Sha’Carri– What’s her name?

SASHEER: Richardson?

NICOLE: Yeah, I like that she’s kind of picking up where she left off with, like, the nails and the weave and the wig. Like, I love it. Yes. Get dressed up to run, bitch. Nobody can see it. You’re too fast.

SASHEER: But I feel like in one race she just straight up ripped her weave off or something, didn’t she? It was quite dramatic. I liked it.

NICOLE: I like that, too. I found this speed skater–she’s a Black woman who trained for four months and then won the Olympic gold medal. And she was like, “Yeah, I was just roller skating. And then I was like, ‘Better try ice skating.’ And then I was like, ‘Wait, I could qualify for the Olympics?’ And then I kind of did.” And the way she describes it, I was like, “Yeah! Cool!” I wish things were that easy for me. I just decide one day to try something, and I’m amazing at it. I don’t have that experience. I wish I did.

SASHEER: We should look her up because maybe she…. There might be more to the story. Like, maybe she was already, like, super athletic IN something else. I mean, she said she was a roller skater.

NICOLE: I think she was a speed, like, roller skater. And in the video, it didn’t look like roller derby. It looked like a roller skating rink that she was going around fast. And then she was like, “Yeah! Decided to put on skates. And I was like, ‘This is a little hard.’ And then I trained and went to the Olympics.” What?

SASHEER: That’s astounding to me because ice skating is hard. And it’s not like roller skates is a direct transition to blades on your feet. That is very different. Whoa.

NICOLE: Isn’t that wild? Have you–? Are you an ice skater? Do you ice skate?

SASHEER: No. I’ve only done it for, like, a handful of birthday parties in middle school.

NICOLE: Would you want to try ice skating with me? Wow, that seems like a no. There wasn’t even a hint of a smile. Your eyes kind of went dark. You looked at nothing, and no sound came out. And I know the answer. Yeah, I really felt it in my heart. I was like, “Wow. This is not something she’ll try with me.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah. There’s nothing in me that wants to try ice skating.

NICOLE: Fair. And I’ve asked you to do a lot of things.

SASHEER: And I tried most of them!

NICOLE: You’ve tried so many of them. Yeah. I’m really proud of you for being like, “No. I don’t think this is something I would like to do.” But then you do it, and it’s not that bad.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I think a lot about Victoria Falls. And I’m glad I’m so close to you because I get to see your in-peril face. And people don’t see that often… Or at all really, I don’t think! And it sounds mean for me to be like, “I get to see her in trouble, and I like it.” But I really like when you try new things. I don’t know why it brings me such joy. How do I articulate it? I guess it means a lot that you’re willing to do something that you’re unsure of. And then when you’re, like, in peril, you’re like, “I will complete this. I won’t give up because we’re doing it.”

SASHEER: Well, hey, I’m glad you appreciate it.

NICOLE: Yeah. Like, when we were in Hawaii and I was like, “Let’s go down this waterslide!” your face did the same thing it did with ice skating. But then you did it! And then you went down a second time, and we had a good time. And then you said, “That’s enough for me.” And that was enough for me.

SASHEER: I’m glad my efforts don’t go unnoticed.

NICOLE: No, they really do go noticed and noted. And I’m trying to think… Do you have a similar thing with me? Does me doing anything elicit joy?

SASHEER: I mean, you bring me a lot of joy. I guess I don’t have, like, requests of you of, like, things to do because I’m very comfy cozy and I’m just fine not doing adventures. Or there aren’t adventures that, like, you haven’t done that I have proposed, I don’t think.

NICOLE: Do you consider yourself a porch person?

SASHEER: I don’t know what that means.

NICOLE: Okay, so I had these twins on Why Won’t You Date Me? who are on Drag Race–Sugar and Spice. And they go, “Are you a porch person or a bike person?” A porch person is someone who likes to sit, and they’re not looking for adventure. And a bike person is someone who’s looking for adventure.” I think I’m a bike person with a little bit of a porch.

SASHEER: Oh! I think I’m a porch person with a little bit of bike.

NICOLE: Yeah. And I think that works together pretty well. I mean, a thing you’ve made me do–or not made me do but you’ve softly suggested and you’re like, “I’m going to do this, and you should too”–is massages. And I’m getting better at them. People touching me is like a… I’m not here for it. But sometimes I do feel so much better after. Yeah.

SASHEER: Okay. I like that.

NICOLE: Yeah. You’ve made me get massages– Not “made.”

SASHEER: I suggested it.

NICOLE: I’ll never forget… I don’t know if we talked about this in Africa. We went on this boat that was, like, a night boat cruise or whatever around this river. And we were told that there was going to be dinner. And to me, I was like, “This is peak Sasheer.” On the water, not in the water, and eating good food. And then the food wasn’t good. And my friend was irate–so mad. You were babbling at one point about jokes because we made friends on this river. Did we talk about the riverboat?

SASHEER: I don’t think we did.

NICOLE: We made friends with a lady who looked like Miss Trunchbull. And then, like, a millennial dressed in Forever 21 who is cute and traveled a lot. And we were taking pictures. And throughout our trip, I kept doing that thing where it’s like, in the picture, you’re squishing something. Or you’re, like, picking up the Eiffel Tower or whatever. I think people know what I’m talking about. And I did it for one of the pictures, and Sasheer was like, “Yeah, it’s a thing we do. It’s a joke.” And at that point, everyone knew what I was doing, and Miss Trunchbull and the Forever 21 lady had both turned around and walked away from Sasheer. And she was, like, walking, being like, “Yeah, it’s a joke that we do.” I was like, “My friend has to get food. My friend needs something.” And then, Sasheer, I couldn’t believe it! You wanted, I believe… I can’t remember what your first order was for your drink.

SASHEER: Oh, it was, like, a ginger beer?

NICOLE: You ended up getting a ginger beer. But you, like, looked at the menu, and you were like, “I would like this.” And you pointed to something, and the lady took the menu and went, “Oh, we don’t have that anymore.” You looked this woman dead in the eyes and said, “You don’t have my first option, and you’re taking the menu away? I need to decide on my second option that you do have.” And I was like, “Somebody get her food! She’s turned!You’re not her friend!”

SASHEER: “No one’s safe!”

NICOLE: I couldn’t believe it. Another fun thing about you is if you’re hungry, you’re literally the Snickers commercial. You’re not yourself. Like, you are slightly mean, a little sassy, and telling everybody about themselves. And then when you enter an airport, you’re a fully different person. I don’t think we talked about this. There’s so much we didn’t talk about. We had COVID. We were like, “Um… We went to a trip.”

SASHEER: We were delirious.

NICOLE: But we were getting– Was this–? No, this wasn’t Africa. We went to New York and we were boarding and we were in Delta One. We’re Delta Diamond Divas. It’s a lovely place to be. And there was a tall white man who was in front of us. And he kind of looked like the tall alien from Men in Black who hung out with the smaller one–with the alien in his brain. Anyway, I just need everyone to have a good visual of this man. He’s tall, white, and bald. And Sasheer pushes past him and turns around and goes, “Excuse me, my friend is getting on board, too.” And I was like, “Oh… Yes?” And then this man goes, “I’m getting on board, too. I’m Delta One.” And then he showed us his boarding pass. And then Sasheer turned back into normal Sasheer and was like, “Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” And then the man goes, “Yeah. God forbid you guys are separated for a second.” And I turned around, and I was like, “Yeah, I might have a secret I want to tell her.” And then he was not amused by that. And then Sasheer goes down a separate row because we’re not even sitting next to each other. She’s in the back, and I’m in the fucking front. And then this man is on the same side as me, and there wasn’t room over my seat. So I walked ahead a little bit, put my luggage in the overhead bin, and turned around–he was right behind me. And I went, “I’m so sorry. I have to get past you.” And he went, “Of course you do.” And he was so mad at me. And I was like, “You hate me, and I’m sorry.” And then he didn’t say anything to me. So your insanity made me an enemy. God, it was so funny. And also, I cannot describe it; I can only show it. The way she rolls her suitcase is also pretty funny. And her head is held up high, and your neck sticks out a little bit. And you’re, like, ready to get to the bottom of something. And it’s really incredible to watch. Also, on that trip back, I said out loud, “You’re a different person when we get into the airport.” And not two minutes later, we’re in the airport, and Sasheer kicks an empty water bottle at a pregnant woman.

SASHEER: It was an accident! I wasn’t trying to kick it at her! I was trying to save the whole airport because there was a loose bottle spinning in the middle of the walkway. So I was like, “I’m going to be a hero. I’m going to kick this bottle to the side over where the trash cans are.” I didn’t know my force was so hard that the bottle ricocheted off the column and made the bottle land directly in front of where this pregnant lady was walking.

NICOLE: And she truly was like, “What the fuck?” And I started laughing so hard. The best part was that I understood what you were doing. I understood because someone had kicked it to you because they didn’t see it. And they shuffled it over to you. And I understood that you were trying to kick it out of the way, but the way you kicked it was like you were on the national women’s soccer team. You planted a foot, all of your weight went into that foot, your other leg went so far behind you, and then you launched it at this woman. And then you kicked it a second time when it ricocheted off! And we got closer to it. And I think I literally said, “You have to leave it. You simply cannot keep doing this.”

SASHEER: I was like, “All right. This time I’m going to get it. I see the mistake I made. This time I’m going to be able to kick it to one of the walls.”

NICOLE: It made me laugh so hard. Also on planes, you’re a different person. On the way to Africa… I don’t think I’ve ever told you this. I was watching Blue Beetle, which is an incredible movie. George Lopez is a star. And I don’t know if anyone knows this, but watch Blue Beetle. It’s a great movie. George Lopez is– You guys, he’s onto something. Anyway, the lady came to take your tray, and you had one bite left. And you went, “No. I’m not done.” And I looked at your tray, and I was like, “She is done.” And then you, like, pushed your food around. And then when they came to get your tray, you didn’t move your phone from over the tray. So this lady had to, like, scoop the tray away from you. And I was like, “She was done. And why isn’t she making this easier for this woman? What is happening? What? Why?” And it made me laugh so hard, and I didn’t know how to articulate it to you in the moment. Like, “What are you doing?” You were also, like, half-reclined. Nothing was easy for this woman to get this tray.

SASHEER: Wait, what do you mean my phone was on the tray?

NICOLE: So you were holding your phone over the tray.

SASHEER: Oh, I see.

NICOLE: It was in the air over the tray. And when you said, “Yes, I’m done,” you didn’t move the phone to be like, “Here’s full access to the tray.” You were like, “I dare you try to get it.” And this lady was like, “All right. I guess that’s my job for the next minute and a half.” And she was, like, struggling. And you were just, like, on the phone. And I was like, “What?” It was very funny.

SASHEER: I don’t think so. I don’t believe this.

NICOLE: Oh. Oh. Okay. You don’t believe this? I can’t wait until you fly again. I’ll remember nothing. I won’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. I won’t remember to get anywhere on time. I’ll forget everything. But I will remember to film this. I will remember to look for this and film this and show you because it happened.

SASHEER: I’m very helpful to people who are taking things away from me. I even pass it to people sometimes.

NICOLE: Sometimes you do, and sometimes you fall asleep. And then I have to tell them, “Oh, I think she’s done.”

SASHEER: It’s not my fault.

NICOLE: “I don’t think she’ll wake up and want that sliver of crumb cake.”

SASHEER: Yeah, usually if I’m asleep, it means I’m done. Case closed.

NICOLE: And then once I told the flight attendant… I think we’ve talked about this, but it just makes me laugh. You sent me a protein bar or something because I was hungry because, again, we were not sitting near each other and didn’t even try. We were sitting across so far away. And then the flight attendant was like, “Your sister said you might want this.” And I was like, “I have a sister?” And then you were waving at me, and I was like, “That’s my sister.” And then you had fallen asleep. And then I told the flight attendant, “Please wake my sister up for meal service. She’ll be really angry if you don’t.” And then I thought about it, and I was like, “Why did I say it like that? I didn’t have to say the last part–that you’ll be angry.”

SASHEER: “She’ll be really angry.”

NICOLE: “She’ll be so upset if she misses her meal.”

SASHEER: “She’ll just wake up disoriented and angry like, “Agh! Why didn’t anyone wake me?”

NICOLE: But here’s the thing. I’ve been on flights with you or heard you’ve missed meal service, and you’re upset. You’re like, “I woke up and we landed and no one woke me up for food!” Yeah, I think someone studied you and came up with that Snickers campaign.

SASHEER: Yeah, I guess so. I guess I’m not myself.

NICOLE: It’s very funny because when I get hungry, I don’t think I get irritable. I just think I get, like, listless and sad, and I’m like, “I don’t know what’s happening. I feel weak. Oh, I simply can’t make a choice.” And then we’ll eat food, and I’ll be like, “Oh! That was it! I was hungry! Wow.”

SASHEER: “Look at that.” I was describing New Orleans to someone about when we were there for my special taping. And you and a friend were coming after the group to a restaurant for breakfast. And it maybe was, like, six of us. And then you and the friend were coming later. And the waiter was like, “I have a whole spiel to give about the menu and the restaurant, so we’ll have to wait for your other two people in the party to get here before I can start.” And I was like, “Well, can we order? Do we need to hear the spiel in order for us to order?” And he’s like, “Yes.” And I was like, “Oh. Well, we don’t know when the other two friends are coming. They might not even get anything. You could just do this spiel now, and then, like, they’ll order when they get here.” And he’s like, “I have to have a full party in order to do the spiel.” And I was like, “Oh, so this is for you.”

NICOLE: Did you say that out loud?

SASHEER: I did say that out loud.

NICOLE: See? You tell people about themselves when you’re hungry. “Oh, so this is for you?” “No, ma’am. It’s for you! I want to tell you what’s on the menu.”

SASHEER: But, like, everyone thinks that their spiel is different. I have been to restaurants. I know how restaurants work. I have the menu in front of me. I don’t know what is going to be different after you’re done speaking. I’m going to tell you exactly what I want. And then he, like, hustled over, and he’s like, “Okay, what would you like?”

NICOLE: Imagine you went to a restaurant, and they were like, “Have you ever been here before?” And you’re like, “No.” And instead of just describing a normal restaurant, they were like, “A murder will take place, and you have to solve it. And that happens in the middle of your appetizer. And if you don’t solve it by dessert, you can’t leave. You’re arrested because you’re an accomplice.” Even at Red Lobster, they’re like, “Have you been here before?” And if you go, “No,” they’re like, “Well, we serve lobsters, and you can order off the menu or off the menu.” And you’re like, “What? This is the same as every restaurant.”

SASHEER: “I could figure it out. I think I just want to order the food that I see in front of me.”

NICOLE: Yeah. That’s all I want to do. And oh, my goodness. I don’t like when they have specials because I’m like, “You made this server memorize this? Why?”

SASHEER: And I’m also a visual person, so if you just say it to me–if you said four specials to me–my brain is not going to remember what all of them are. Maybe I thought one of them was good, but now I wasn’t listening to the last two. And I’m like, “Oh!” And then you walk away, and I’m like, “Well, what were the specials? Did I want them? And now I don’t have the option of reading it over and over again in front of me.”

NICOLE: And I just don’t understand why more restaurants don’t have a board that they change. And they bring it with them to the table. And I can sit and peruse the board and the menu.

SASHEER: Or have it on a wall or something.

NICOLE: Yes. You know, that would be helpful for all of us visual learners.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Jordan went away, and I had a question. She was drinking a liquid that looked just like Windex. And I know she wasn’t drinking Windex, but it really rocked my world. And I was like, “I simply can’t keep talking until we address it.” But now she’s gone.

SASHEER: Maybe because she’s throwing up because she realized it was Windex. But maybe it was an accident, and she didn’t know. And she’s like, “Oh no. Now I’m sick.”

NICOLE: Oh, that would be so devastating to be like, “Yum, yum, yum. I’m going to drink my blue drink,” and then, “Oh no! Now I’m sick!”I don’t know when I discovered Kool-Aid where the sugar was mixed in it and I could just make a glass of Kool-Aid. But that for a while was how I got my water intake. Isn’t that terrible?

SASHEER: That you did not get a water intake?

NICOLE: Well, the base is water.

SASHEER: I mean, the base is water in a soda, too.

NICOLE: What?

SASHEER: There’s water in soda… And coffee. But that doesn’t mean these are water intakes.

NICOLE: A Coke freestyle machine now makes sense. “We’re adding syrups to bubbly water.”

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Whoa! Okay. Wait, Jordan. Jordan’s back. What were you drinking? It looks like Windex. And I know you’re not drinking Windex. Can you imagine? Or are you?

JORDAN: No, this is… There’s MiO in the water, and it has electrolytes and B vitamins. Some of the medicine I’m on–it can make me a little bit nauseous. And so having extra hydration helps. It’s not Windex. It does look like it, though.

NICOLE: It does. It really does. Thank you for explaining it. I got lost in water TikTok on my Instagram. It is a thing. There are, like, zero sugar packets of, like, flavor. And they’ll mix the flavors together. And this one man layers the flavors. And then you could see the distinction of colors. And then he stirs it all up. And then he’s like, “It’s so good! It’s hints of cotton candy with a touch of pineapple!” And I was like, “Oh…” And I recently mentioned this, and I was like, “I’m really into, like, flavored waters. What’s your favorite flavor?” And I didn’t know how to be like, “Watching people. Watching people make flavored water is what I meant.”

SASHEER: “Not that I drink flavored water. I like watching people make flavored water.”

NICOLE: Never in my life have I made a flavored water, but–boy–I have watched a lot.

SASHEER: Interesting.

NICOLE: Yeah.

SASHEER: I wonder if they could be, like, a flavor flavored water bar or something.

NICOLE: You know, bars should offer things like that in, like, the mocktail category. Like, I think that would be a nice alternative because most mocktails are so sugary.

SASHEER: Yeah, definitely. Or it’s just, like–yeah–a cocktail minus the booze. But it could just be a pretty flavored water.

NICOLE: Yeah, a zero sugar Skittles water pack that you can charge people $10 for because there’s a garnish.

SASHEER: And then you can have, like, a watertender.

NICOLE: A watertender! “Gourmet water bars?”

SASHEER: Oh, it does exist.

NICOLE: Oh my goodness. “The AQUA Water Bar by LUQEL is a destination for hydration in Dubai.” Yeah, Dubai seems wild.

SASHEER: They’re doing everything.

NICOLE: They are. Should we go to Dubai one day?

SASHEER: Sure. I don’t know what’s there, but sure.

NICOLE: I don’t know what’s there either. You have to pick where we go for New Year’s this year. So it’s around the corner, so you better get on it.

SASHEER: It’s coming up. Tick-tick.

NICOLE: Tick-tick-tock! I do think our Africa trip was well planned and fun, but, like, what if we started even earlier–earlier than three weeks before we leave?

SASHEER: Well, that seems crazy.

NICOLE: I said it, and I was like, “What am I doing?” I like how on the fly we are. Is that a phrase? “On the fly?” Yeah. It feels like we’re living by the seat of our bottoms.

SASHEER: Yeah. Where’s the adrenaline rush if we know where we’re going months in advance? Ew.

NICOLE: I have learned that I think part of the vacation I like–and this is just in general–is, like, getting to a destination, getting a feel for the destination, and being like, “What can I do with this destination?” And then planning. And if I, like, plan things in advance, what if I get there and I’m like, “Oh, no, this destination is not for what I planned.” You know? Sasheer, I like a new thing. So on top of being a soup girl, I now like pineapple.

SASHEER: I actually didn’t know you didn’t like pineapple.

NICOLE: Interesting. I hate pineapple. I love pineapple now.

SASHEER: Oh! What changed?

NICOLE: When I was in Hawaii, I had a beautiful piece of pineapple, and I was like, “Wait, this is how it could taste?” I just don’t think I like old pineapple or pineapple that sits in its own juice for too long because it’s just, like, too juicy. This pineapple I had had, like, not a crunch to it but a crispness. And then the juice exploded in my mouth, and it wasn’t wet already. And I was like, “Oh my God. I need more of this.” It was so good.

SASHEER: Yeah. Fruit in other places where fruit actually grows is really good.

NICOLE: Yeah. Yeah. I had some delicious strawberries. Have you had any recent things where you’re like, “I don’t like this. I love this!”

SASHEER: I don’t know if this is recent, but grapefruit. I really didn’t like grapefruit. And now I kind of like it.

NICOLE: Interesting. I think it’s too tart.

SASHEER: It’s very tart. Yeah, but I think, like, I’ll take, like, a grapefruit drink. I don’t know if I’ve had a grapefruit to eat–like a slice–anytime recently. But I have been surprised by grapefruit drinks.

NICOLE: Okay. Yeah. Not a grapefruit, girl. I don’t like it. I wish I liked oranges, but I don’t like the little veins. Those grossed me the fuck out, but I can put an orange in my mouth, chow down, and squeeze all the juice out. But then I have, like, what’s left, and that’s gross to, like, spit out.

SASHEER: Yeah, I have seen people clean an orange peel–eat the orange clean off the peel. And I’m like, “What did you do? Did you just eat the other stuff? You chewed it all up? Your teeth are so strong, you can chew it all up and then swallow it? ‘Cause I feel like I have a wad of, like, gauze in my mouth.” And then what do I do with it? I spit it out–put it in the trash, I guess. But there are people who just eat it, and they swallow it.

NICOLE: I don’t understand it. It’s not for me, but I do love freshly squeezed orange juice. But to get a glass of orange juice from an actual real orange? You’re only getting a thimble!

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. I had, like, five oranges from my little orange bush in my yard, and I got half a glass.

NICOLE: That’s crazy.

SASHEER: I know. It was tasty, but I was like, “I mean, that’s that, I guess.”

NICOLE: Are seedless grapes genetically modified?

SASHEER: I want to say yes. But also maybe there’s a strand that has no seeds. But I feel like they did something.

NICOLE: A little something something to them?

SASHEER: They did something to them.

NICOLE: Because I forgot grapes had seeds until recently when we were in the Seychelles and we were eating grapes of seeds. And I was like, “Wait, what?” Oh, seedless grapes are not genetically modified. “They occur naturally and have existed for 20+ years.”

SASHEER: Thank goodness.

NICOLE: I would love to have a grape tree. Do grapes grow on trees?

SASHEER: Vines.

NICOLE: Yes, vines. I love grapes. There was a time where I was getting grapes every week, and I was going through them.

SASHEER: Really? I don’t know if I’ve ever gone through a whole bag of grapes because they are so big.

NICOLE: Yes, they are big. And the trick, I felt like, to get through them is to de-vine them–take them off their little branches–and then put them in a Tupperware or a bowl and keep them out. And every time you pass them, you munch.

SASHEER: Oh, that is smart. The vines are intimidating because it’s like, “There’s just a whole bunch?”

NICOLE: Yes! But when it’s just in a bowl, it’s like a bowl of M&M’S except not chocolate and doesn’t have a candy-coated shell. And they’re different.

SASHEER: And they’re different–but, yeah, a little, like, healthier. Yeah, I like that.

NICOLE: And I love me some red grapes. I’m not a green grape head.

SASHEER: There’s also pink grapes. But they’re, like, sweet.

NICOLE: Are they the cotton candy grapes that you find at Gelson’s?

SASHEER: Yeah, yeah.

NICOLE: Aren’t those crazy?

SASHEER: So insane.

NICOLE: So sweet.

SASHEER: Should we answer some questions?

NICOLE: I would love to.

SASHEER: Yes!

NICOLE: How are we going to help people today? Okay. “Falling in love with the best. Hey, Nicole, Sasheer, Judith, Kimmie, and Jordan. I love you all. And this question has been weighing on me for months. I have had a friend in my life for nearly 20 years. We know everything about each other and have only gotten closer over time. Over the last year, our conversations have gotten very personal and intimate. And–oops–I fell in love! My friends and even my mom have caught me talking about my friend and asking why I don’t date him. Honestly, nothing would make me happier. His hug alone makes me feel the warmth and love like I’ve never felt before. During a nice night hanging out, I finally mustered enough courage to tell him how I feel. He shared the same feelings of love, but I wasn’t sure if he just meant like friends or if he felt it, too. He also said he wasn’t quite in the right place to date, but it was very wishy-washy.”

SASHEER: “We have continued to hang out but have not spoken about it since. I would honestly wait for him. He’s the most perfect person I’ve ever met and one of the few people in the world that makes me feel special. What do I do?” Okay. I just started watching Dawson’s Creek. Have you watched it?

NICOLE: “I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over.” No, I’ve never seen it.

SASHEER: I just finished the first season, and it is this. It is Katie Holmes is in love with James Vanderbeek. And they are, like, 15 years old. They’re starting to mature. They’re starting to, like, get a little horny. They’ve been friends since they were, like, six years old or whatever–since they’re young. And then Katie’s like, “Oh my God, I’m realizing that I’m in love with my best friend.” Dawson’s a dumb boy. And he’s like, “What? Just this dumb girl down the creek? No, it’s just Joey. She’s one of the guys.” He has no fucking clue. And everyone around them is like, “The tension between you is crazy. Can you not see this?” And Dawson’s like, “What are you talking about? It’s just Katie Holmes.” And then by the end of the season, she, like, does a beauty pageant–starts looking pretty–and he’s like, “Wait, my best friend has looked like that the whole time? I think maybe I’m in love.” And she’s like, “But I don’t want it like that, Dawson. I don’t want you to all of a sudden like me because I was pretty for two seconds. I need you to love me for who I am.” And it’s, like, complicated. And this probably goes on for, like, seven seasons. I’m only on the first season, but I’m sure this keeps happening. And there are moments like this, where one of them professes their love, and then they have to reel it back in because they don’t want to ruin their friendship. So anyway, I think it’s really brave of you that you have even brought this up to your friend because it’s a risk. And Jordan said that we should do a Dawson’s Creek recap. I would love to.

NICOLE: I guess I gotta watch it.

SASHEER: You got to get into it. It’s dramatic. I am gasping all the time. These people are straight up punching each other in the face. Katie Holmes is a full superhero in one episode and just beats up three football players.

NICOLE: Three football players?

SASHEER: Yes, because they’re just being rude. And she just, like, kneed one of them in the crotch, used her lunch tray to smack the other one in the face, and then haul ass and, like, punch the other one in the face and knock them out and then got suspended… Not suspended–you went to detention. And there was, like, a whole Breakfast Club episode.

NICOLE: Just detention? She only got detention and not expelled for annihilating three people with a lunch tray.

SASHEER: Also, there’s a full on teacher student relationship happening with Joshua Jackson!

NICOLE: That’s why I was not allowed to watch it. My mom didn’t like that, but we watched Ally McBeal. Like, it just didn’t mix. She was like, “I don’t like it. You can’t watch that.”

SASHEER: And I get it. The whole time I was like, “Why is this allowed?” I don’t know what year this came out. But even then, I feel like this was still crazy. Anyway, for the common person running, good on you for saying something because you don’t want to just, like, hold this in. And you never know. Maybe they’re feeling the same way. Maybe something could happen. And his response was what? He’s not in a place to be in a relationship? That is a no–a straight up no–because whether you’re quote unquote “in a place or not,” if you do like the other person, you would just say, “I like you, too.” Yeah. So I don’t think you should wait for our lives to be over. I don’t think you should wait for this person. It seems like they made it clear, which sucks.

NICOLE: Yeah.

SASHEER: But they can still be a good friend. If you think you can still be friends with this person, I guess go for it. But just know that there is a big chance that it may not turn into something. Also, crazy things happen in Dawson’s Creek. I’m sure there’s a moment where they’re going to date, but I don’t think you should hold out hope for that because this is reality and not a TV show.

NICOLE: Unless they’re like Truman Show. They’re, like, on The Truman Show, and is TV. No, I agree. I do think if you expressed love– Like, you’re like, “I really like you and I, like, want to do something.” And they’re like, “I feel the same way, but I don’t want to be in a relationship.” But then you’re like, “Oh, that’s not a real answer.” It is a real answer. It does suck. It has happened countless times to me where someone’s like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship.” And then I wait around, hoping that they would change their minds. And then their minds don’t change. And then they date somebody else right after me and get married because they did want to be in a relationship, but they just didn’t want to be in one with me. And that is painful. But you want to date someone who’s excited to date you. The best case scenario would have been you told this person how you feel and they said, “I feel the exact same way. Let’s just start dating.” But since that didn’t happen, I do think you should not put all your eggs in that basket because there’s a hole in it and your eggs are going to splatter and you’re not going to be able to make breakfast. I do think–if you’re able to–hold this person close to you because they seem like they’re a good friend to you. And if you’re not, you can take some space. You know, maybe don’t hang out as often, but, like, try to put yourself out there to see other people. And you might be putting this person up on a pedestal that they don’t deserve. But also stranger things have happened. Maybe in, like, a year they’re like, “I want you.” But then maybe you’re dating somebody else.

SASHEER: But I think live your life with the understanding that this may not happen at all because people date when they’re not in a good place all the time.

NICOLE: All the time. I’ve dated many a people who need years of therapy before they get into a relationship. And I’m like, “It’s okay. We’ll be fine.” Nobody’s fine.

SASHEER: Nobody’s fine. But yeah. If they wanted to date, they would just date you. It doesn’t matter where they are in their life. People date who they want to date regardless of if they’re ready or not.

NICOLE: Yeah, I was not stable in my early 20s, and I was out there in those streets. Not good for anybody, but I was like, “Come on.” Yeah. Live your life. Get your eggs out of that basket. Solved.

SASHEER: Solved. Okay. “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. First, I want to say that I love your podcast so much. It always makes me tee-hee-hee, and your friendship is truly inspiring. Also, I want to thank Nicole for her swimsuit line. I’ve been wearing one-pieces since after high school. I’m a fatty. And I’ve been loving the one-piece with cutouts from Kitty and Vibe. I’m still not ready for a bikini, but I’m one step closer, thanks to Nicole.”

NICOLE: Listen, wait. You don’t have to be ready for a bikini. A one-piece with the cutout is brave. You’re brave.

SASHEER: You are brave. This is less of a friendship question and more of a dating question, but I’m hoping you all can help. I’m a 36-year-old widow living in Milwaukee. My husband died four years ago, and I’m starting to think about dating again, but I don’t know where to start. I have never used dating apps, and I’m dreading it, but I think I’m going to have to since I’m not going out and meeting people like I was in my 20s. And all my friends have families, so it’s hard to meet people through them.”

NICOLE: “Also, I’ve lost my confidence in my attractiveness since my husband died. Nicole, with your dating app experience, are there any that you liked or disliked more than others? Are there any that seem more fat-friendly? Do you have tips for my profile as far as pics and content? How and when I should bring up that I’m a widow? Any thoughts, advice, or words of encouragement–that would be really helpful. I don’t know how all this works, and it’s very overwhelming!” Oh boy, I don’t like the apps and I–this year–got rid of my apps. I mean, I still have them. I open them. I don’t use them. But I have connected with some single friends and have planned, like, single friend nights where we, like, go to a bar and, like, we push ourselves to talk to people. Also, I think a class might be helpful. Maybe, like, a cooking class. I feel like that’s where you can, you know, find like-minded people and a mixture of different, you know, gender expression people. Unfortunately, I don’t really think any app is, like, fat friendly. I know there’s, like, WooPlus; that’s, like, a fat-friendly one. There’s a couple, but I’m not on them. But I don’t think people are going to contact you unless they’re attracted to you. Yeah. I don’t know. I’m not having a great time lately, so this is hard for me.

SASHEER: I do like your idea of the single friend hangs out and about. That sounds actually fun. This person commented, “I don’t go out like I did in my 20s.” Why not? I mean, you don’t have to do it like you did in your 20s, but you could go out and go with a group. You can also go with, like, no expectations. You don’t have to be like, “I have to meet my boyfriend or my husband in this bar. I have to make sure I get someone’s number or take someone home.” It could just be like, “I’m gonna flirt and just see what happens. I’m just going to talk to people and see what happens.” Who knows? They can just be fun to, like, meet new people. And even if you meet new friends, they can maybe introduce you to their friends. And who knows? If you already know who’s in your friend group and they’re all married and have kids, make new friends. Maybe they have access to people who are single and your age and, like, ready to mingle.

NICOLE: And… Okay, I just thought of this. If there’s a local bar near you that’s, like, cool and hip and people your age hang out, you can start going alone as well, which is a little intimidating. But also you can bring Uno with you. And if there’s another person alone, you can play Uno. Become the Uno lady.

SASHEER: The Uno lady. That’s really funny. She becomes a savant. She becomes the best player in town. People are just coming to watch. They’re like, “I don’t know what the lady is up to, but it’s great.”

NICOLE: Oh, and then the confidence thing. I think you’re beautiful. I think everyone is beautiful in their own ways and everyone’s ugly to everybody. Or–you know–if somebody’s ugly to somebody, someone’s beautiful to somebody.

SASHEER: I’m ugly to everyone?

NICOLE: Sorry, Sasheer. I hate to tell you this, but everyone has been talking and they’re like, “You ugly.” Everyone. Everyone. Well, you know, not everyone is attracted to everyone. And there is someone in this world who thinks you’re ugly, Sasheer. Isn’t that terrible to think about?

SASHEER: I hate this.

NICOLE: But I think you got to put on something that makes you feel good. And look in the mirror and practice saying, “I look good. I look really good today.” And, like, flap your fat arms and go, “This is my fat. This is beautiful. I am beautiful.” And if you say things enough, you will believe it. I didn’t like my arms for a really long time. And then I started wearing sleeveless shirts because I was like, “Hmm. What am I doing with this, like, cap sleeve? Like, people can see the fat under the sleeve.” And then I started wearing, like, belly shirts because I was like, “People know that there’s a fat belly under here, so, like, why not see a little sneak peek. And I got tattoos, and why not show it off?” And then I, like, really grew to like what I saw in the mirror. And I was like, “I don’t think my body is here for anybody else’s consumption.” Sure, we’re out in the world and people have eyes and they look around, but I’m dressing to please myself. And I am presenting myself the way I would like to be. And I like that.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I don’t know. If I’m not feeling super confident, I’ll put on lashes, I’ll put on a little blush, I’ll be like, “Oh my God, she’s a stunner,” I’ll do my hair differently, I’ll wear… Like, I went out to dinner, and I wore my fur coat and a matching set. And I looked insane, and people were staring at me. But I was like, “I wanted a little attention, and I think I look fabulous.” And also, it was hot, and I didn’t need the fur coat. So that was pretty upsetting. But…

SASHEER: But people were paying attention.

NICOLE: They were looking. They were like, “Ma’am, are you overheating?” And then I asked for all the heat lamps to be turned off where we were sitting. What I’m saying is make an entrance, okay?

SASHEER: Yeah. I also have no idea if this is helpful in regards to being a widow, but I wonder if having some sort of physical change–like a haircut or a new outfit–would be helpful to, like, make it feel like this is a new chapter or a new era. I don’t actually know. But something that makes it feel intentional, like, “These are my date clothes. These are my, like, going-out-looking-for-a-person clothes…” Maybe some stuff is reminding you of your husband. Or, like, maybe you’re like, “I can’t wear this shirt out because it feels like this is what I wore when we did X, Y, and Z.” And that’s okay. You can keep the shirt. But maybe get a new shirt that feels like, “Okay. This is the shirt I wear for this new chapter. Old chapter is still here. But also we’re doing new things, too, because we want to invite newness into our life right now.” That’s what it sounds like you want to do. So I wonder if that would help make it feel like that’s what’s happening.

NICOLE: Yes. And also, I think you should be kind to yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard. Be gentle. Be kind. And honestly, I don’t think you need to tell anyone that you are a widow unless specifically asked, like, “Oh, why did your last relationship end?” which I think is a weird question, and I don’t love it. But then you could just be like, “Oh, it ended because he left the Earth.” Or you can say it with a little bit more tact.

SASHEER: Yeah. I guess whatever makes you feel comfortable. But–yeah–you’re dating. You are getting to know someone. This is a part of your life. This is something that is a part of your story. So it’s also okay. I don’t think you have to avoid it because it’s just a true fact. I think everyone is going to go through loss at some point in time. So I don’t think it’s something that should be, like, scary or… I don’t think you’re going to scare people off because either they have also experienced loss or they will. But if this is someone who’s actually going to be in your life, they also need to understand that this is something that is a part of your story. And that’s okay.

NICOLE: Also, look up widowed speed dating, so everyone there is starting on the same page–or, like, widowed dating events. I know that in LA I have friends who are going to more, like, in-person dating events. And I think there is a move that’s away from the apps and more in-person stuff. So yeah, a quick Google to be like, “Is there any widowed friend things I could do?”

SASHEER: Yeah. Jordan also Googled something and said that there are weekly singles meetups in Milwaukee.

NICOLE: Oooh! And then you can, like, ask a married friend to go with you if all of your friends are married. Or ask another single friend to go. I believe in you, and I think you’re going to do it!

SASHEER: Yeah! Solved.

NICOLE: Solved.

SASHEER: If you have any questions or queries or whatever, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com or call or text or leave a voice memo at (424) 645-7003.

NICOLE: I want to hear about the whatever. We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

SASHEER: We have transcripts for our new episodes. You can check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

NICOLE: Lastly, don’t forget it’s Black History Month, so what you can do for us is rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support these Black women during this month on this show.

SASHEER: Yes! That’s how you can celebrate Black History Month.

NICOLE: Yes. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and so do I that you will rate, review, and subscribe.

SASHEER: That’s how he wanted it to be used!

NICOLE: Yup. If you read between the lines of that speech, that’s what he was talking about.

SASHEER: Bye-bye.

NICOLE: Bye!