EP. 358 — Valentine’s Day (Live from Sirius XM)

Chris [00:00:04] Oh, hi, everybody. It’s Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour, many phone calls, no names, no holds barred. Hi, everybody. Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful Anonymous. First things first. Hello, if you are finding us from NBC News. That’s right. Beautiful Anonymous was featured on the national news this week. No biggie. Nice story organized by our friend, a producer named Ben. He’s a big fan of the show. He managed to pull that one off. And I thank you and everybody over there and everybody who’s finding us. Welcome. Check out this one. Check out some old episodes. Enjoy. Glad to have you on board. A very strong fan community is part of this show. Maybe you’ll be a part of it. And speaking of the fan community, big announcement time. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know that we once organized an event called Beautiful Con-onymous. It was going to be a fan convention, and I used to have a lot of fun talking about how I had no idea if anyone would ever attend such a thing. And we scheduled it for March of 2020. Guess what? It’s back. May 2023. May 4th we’re doing our kickoff event where I finally go and watch the movie Contact as multiple callers have yelled at me for never having seen the movie Contact. May 5th, sixth and seventh at the Bell House in Gowanus, Brooklyn. We’re gonna have events where you can meet past callers. We’re going to have live calls. We’re going to have comedy shows. We’re going to have music. We’re going to have a lot of dumb stuff. And it’s going to be a great time. And I’m hoping you’ll get tickets today because they’re officially on sale! Go check out beautifulcononymous.com for more info. And a huge amount of thanks to the Bell House and to Nighthawk Cinemas and especially my old friend Marianne Ways, who’s one of the best comedy producers in this country, for producing this insane event. Now this week’s episode. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody. That’s right. Today is Valentine’s Day. If you’re just turning this on because you downloaded it on Tuesday and you forgot, you still have time. Go out there and get your loved one something special. All right? I’m here helping you out. Couple of weeks back, we invited people. We had a small crowd join us at Sirius XM Studios in New York City. We did a special event. We’ve never done this before. Holiday driven show where we said you get two, 3 minutes a call. Tell us about great Valentine’s Day memories, bad ones, your theories on love, why you hate Valentine’s Day, sexy stories, whatever you want. And guess what? People stepped up. A lot of amazing stories coming at ya. I think a lot of people are going to love this format and this episode. And hey, if you’re out there in Memphis and you know somebody wondering why the guy didn’t ask for the digits, let him know about this episode. We’ll put you in touch. You’ll see what I mean in a moment. Enjoy it, everybody. 

Voicemail Robot [00:03:18] Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. 

Caller 1 [00:03:26] Hi, Chris. How’s it going? 

Chris [00:03:28] It’s pretty good. How are you? 

Caller 1 [00:03:29] Good. Okay. I have a lot of thoughts about Valentine’s Day. Are you ready? 

Chris [00:03:32] Yeah. You got 3 minutes. 

Caller 1 [00:03:34] Okay, so maybe it’s because my mom was always my valentine, but in, like, friendship, you know, and elementary school. But I have always thought that Valentine’s Day should be about friendship and platonic love. So when people are, like, sad on Valentine’s Day, I’m like, don’t worry about it. Just like, call up a friend, hang out with a friend. And I started doing these, like, annual photoshoots with friends of mine that were like (UNCLEAR) photography and were like red and pink. And then Parks and Rec came out and like, Galentine’s Day had like an official name. And so I have gone very hard for Galentine’s Day for the last however many years and inviting people over and then in lockdown like delivering care packages to people. And I had a broken leg one year and I still had people over. And so I guess my message to your audience or our audience is to celebrate your friends, call up a friend if they’re far away, and this year I may be outdoing myself because I am releasing a EP of original female empowerment songs for Galentine’s Day. So if you don’t have somebody to reach out to or whatever, you can always just get online and stream the revolution and feel the feelings of Galentine’s Day. 

Chris [00:04:53] I love that you got a plug in. First call. That’s awesome. Well done. It sounds to me like you’re not necessarily anti Valentine’s Day, but you are almost an activist about reshaping Valentine’s Day. 

Caller 1 [00:05:04] Exactly. I am very pro of Valentine’s Day in whatever shape it takes for people. Love comes in many forms. I do have dating advice too, though. 

Chris [00:05:13] Okay. Yeah. We’ve got a minute and 13 seconds left. I’m all ears. 

Caller 1 [00:05:19] Okay. This is going to like people with social anxiety are going to hate this one. But talk to people in public. Like two weeks ago, I just started talking to this guy in Home Depot and we talked for like an hour. And I was like, that was way easier than the first date. Because it didn’t go anywhere, but first dates usually don’t anyway. 

Chris [00:05:35] What do you talk about for an hour at Home Depot? Usually if I go to Home Depot, I don’t want to be there for a full hour. That’s usually a sign that things have gone wrong and I’m being forced to buy more things than I wanted to. 

Caller 1 [00:05:48] Okay, well, it was weird. We ended up being, like, kind of in the same industry and we were also from the same place, like same state. And so it just we just ended up having a lot to talk about. I didn’t mean to talk for like an hour, but I can easily talk for an hour. As you know. 

Chris [00:06:03] Now, we’ve got 20 seconds left. I got to say, you seem like you’re anti the traditional Valentine’s Day, but now you’re endorsing what many people call a meet cute. Sounds like you had a meet cute at Home Depot. 

Caller 1 [00:06:16] I am all about meet cutes. And like I said, love in all forms. So whatever form love, whatever form of love you have this year, embrace that and own whatever love you have. 

Chris [00:06:27] That’s a beautiful note to end on. That was a fantastic 3 minutes to kick things off. Thank you so much. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello. 

Caller 2 [00:06:36] Hello?

Chris [00:06:36] Hi. How are you? 

Caller 2 [00:06:38] I’m good. How about you? 

Chris [00:06:39] Doing pretty good. There’s a bunch of people here with me at the Sirius XM Studios. And you have 3 minutes to tell us your experiences with or opinions on Valentine’s Day. 

Caller 2 [00:06:50] Awesome. (UNCLEAR) I don’t have a ton of opinions about Valentine’s Day. I kinda feel like whatever about it. I’m a little bit of a late bloomer. 31 years old. Not don’t have much of a dating history so I don’t have any exciting stories. But I’m like, I really liked what the last caller had to say about female empowerment. I think that’s cool. But what I thought would be fun to do on a live show is have you help me come up with a dating bio for a dating app or something. 

Chris [00:07:23] Oh, we got 2 minutes! We got 2 minutes. Okay. But I don’t know anything about you! I don’t know who you are! 

Caller 2 [00:07:29] Um, you might know things about me. We’ve spoken before.

Chris [00:07:33] Oh, really? Have you called before? 

Caller 2 [00:07:35] Yeah. 

Chris [00:07:36] Which. Can I ask which caller I’m talking to? 

Caller 2 [00:07:39] Yeah. It’s could you beat a raccoon in a fight.  

Chris [00:07:44] Oh, you’re the raccoon person. Okay. One of the many. One of the many raccoon themed calls over the years. I mean, right there. I feel like if you just made that the name on your dating bio. If if the name was just like, Do you think you could beat a raccoon in a fight?, you’re going to immediately suss out who has a sense of humor with the question, and then you’re also going to figure out who’s like a dickhead alpha male, because they’ll be like, I could fuck a raccoon up. And you’re like, those guys can just get outta here. So even right there, that’s a really great way to lead into a dating profile. 

Caller 2 [00:08:14] That’s true. Like, it makes for a cool conversation, you know? 

Chris [00:08:17] Yeah. And then I think you should say something like- I think you should say something like, I’m just out here looking to have fun while I’m still young. Because that opens that that could mean anything, because then you’ll figure out who the perverts are real quick, or you’ll figure out who’s somebody who’s like, Oh, you want to have fun? Here’s a great date. You want to go on a great date? And they’ll propose something that’s like unusual and not standard fare. I think you got to leave these things open ended so you can suss out all the problem children. Although I’ve never been on dating apps. They started right after I got engaged. Thank God. I would have destroyed my life. 

Caller 2 [00:08:48] Lucky for you. Congrats to you for that. I guess.

Chris [00:08:53] Yeah. Yeah. What do you think about? What do you think about those options, caller? Do they fit you?

Caller 2 [00:08:59] I think it’s a fun way to start. I think the weirdos, like like show themselves really early on, because I’m a plus size woman on dating apps, so they kind of out themselves. The jerks out themselves. 

Chris [00:09:12] Yeah. I feel like you. 

Caller 2 [00:09:14] I want cool people. 

Chris [00:09:15] If you ask some cool questions and you have some pictures out that you’re going to figure out right away who the creeps and the weirdos are and right? That’s a lot of the- that’s a lot- especially, sadly, I think especially for women on those apps. You just gotta figure out how to filter out the creeps right out of the gate. Good luck to you, though. That’s our time. So good to talk to you again. 

Caller 3 [00:09:38] Hello? 

Chris [00:09:38] Hi. 

Caller 3 [00:09:39] Sorry. My dog is vigorously chewing a bone in the background. I don’t know if you can hear that. 

Chris [00:09:44] Oh, wait- is this the same person as before? 

Caller 3 [00:09:47] No. 

Chris [00:09:48] Oh, this is a new per- okay, I’ll start- I’ll restart the clock for you. You sound a lot like the caller right before you. 

Caller 3 [00:09:54] Oh, that’s interesting. Well, I’m a different person. Hi. How are you doing, Chris? 

Chris [00:09:59] I’m doing great. I’m enjoying this so far. How are you doing? 

Caller 3 [00:10:02] I’m good. It’s a Monday morning, so I’m just kind of getting started with work. Anyway, Valentine’s Day was always very like friend focused for me. Like the first caller was saying. Because growing up it was my best friend’s birthday. So that always gave me like a fun excuse all through like high school and college to not have to worry about the romantic aspects of it. But now I’m about to spend the first Valentine’s Day with my new boyfriend, and I’ve kind of been thinking differently recently about like romance and compatibility because I used to be such a strong believer in opposites attract, and my ex-boyfriend was totally the opposite of me. And that relationship just went up in flames and was terrible. And now I’m dating someone who’s so similar to me who I totally would never, I guess, go for it before I started questioning this. And it’s really interesting and I think I don’t know, I think we’re a lot more compatible than I would have expected from someone that’s similar to me. 

Chris [00:11:16] It’s always nice to find people that you’re compatible with. It’s also good to find products and services you’re compatible with, which is a great segway, as we say, in the business, towards our ads. We’ll be right back. Thanks to our advertisers. Now let’s get back to the many phone calls. 

Caller 3 [00:11:43] I don’t know. I think we’re a lot more compatible than I would have expected from someone that’s similar to me. 

Chris [00:11:49] I love that. And do you have plans already for your first Valentine’s Day as a couple? 

Caller 3 [00:11:53] I think we’re just going to stay at home and cook. We’re just going to hang out. You know, nothing big. 

Chris [00:12:00] And was the ex-boyfriend the type that would be like, We’re going to go bungee jumping on Valentine’s Day? And that was very different from you. And this guy’s like, Let’s cook. And you’re like, That’s me. 

Caller 3 [00:12:09] Last Valentine’s Day, actually, my ex and I weren’t even together, but he wrote me a love letter and came to my apartment and put it in the door of my apartment. And we had been broken up for like months. And I already told him I didn’t want to get back together with him. So I don’t know. Very different vibe this Valentine’s Day, because last Valentine’s Day, I was just kind of mad and annoyed. 

Chris [00:12:32] Wait, I want to be clear. So your ex, because initially I think a lot of us, me and you took it as your current boyfriend wooed you last Valentine’s Day with a love letter. It sounds more like your ex was stalking you last Valentine’s Day. Is that more the case? 

Caller 3 [00:12:45] Yeah. No, it was my ex. We had been broken up for months and he reached out and wanted to get back together in January. And I I told him I didn’t want that and I didn’t want him to reach out to me again, because I was hurt over the breakup. And then on Valentine’s Day, he, like, wrote me a love letter and stuck it in my door. 

Chris [00:13:03] Oh, that’s creepy. 

Caller 3 [00:13:03] I don’t even know how he got in my apartment building.  

Chris [00:13:06] Ooh, I was hoping- I had that question. So it was a love letter slash a subtle reminder to you that he could enter your premises? Real romantic, dude. 

Caller 3 [00:13:15] With a printed out like picture of us too. Like, what am I gonna do with that? Just throw it away. 

Chris [00:13:21] I hate everything about that. That’s your 3 minutes. Thank you so much for calling, caller. Very sobering call this episode. Let’s get another caller on the line. Hello. Welcome to our Valentine’s Day spectacular. 

Caller 4 [00:13:34] Hey, Chris. 

Chris [00:13:35] Hi. 

Caller 4 [00:13:37] I just I’ve never been on the show before. I was about to introduce myself and realized that’s not what I’m supposed to do. 

Chris [00:13:42] That’s like the one rule. 

Caller 4 [00:13:44] The one rule. I don’t have any, like, general overarching things to say about Valentine’s Day, except that I had- I need some advice because I had a meet cute on Thursday. 

Chris [00:13:57] Was it at a Home Depot? 

Caller 4 [00:13:59] It was at a dog park. I wish.

Chris [00:14:01] A dog park. Classic meet cute location. 

Caller 4 [00:14:03] A dog park. And I am still thinking about the person, but I didn’t get her number, and I don’t know how to resolve this because I don’t know anything about her except her first name. 

Chris [00:14:19] Her first name. Now, does she- did she mention if she was a regular at this dog park or are you a regular at the dog park? 

Caller 4 [00:14:25] We had both talked about how we are not regulars, but we are there semi frequently. So it’s become this game for me, which sounds utterly creepy, but it’s become this game for me to be like, okay, well what day should I go today on the off chance I might run into this person? 

Chris [00:14:41] Damn. And do you feel like you had the chance to get get the phone number and- 

Caller 4 [00:14:45] Yea, I absolutely had the chance. Absolutely had the chance. Absolutely just blew the chance. 

Chris [00:14:51] You just just got a little nervous in the moment and walked away?

Caller 4 [00:14:54] 100%. This is a big dog park, at risk of like indicating where I am in the world. It’s like a hundred acres of dog park. 

Chris [00:15:03] So even if you go to the dog park again, you could just be standing in the wrong patch of dog park. Where is there a hundred acre dog park? 

Caller 4 [00:15:12] You can you can Google it. I think you’re just as baffled as my dog was the first time we went. She was like, I can just run everywhere? So yeah, I just don’t know what to do because I’m still I’m still thinking about it, but I guess I’ll just keep frequent frequenting that park. 

Chris [00:15:30] Listen, the best I can do- we only have a minute left- the best I can do is tell you that about 100,000 people are going to hear this. And if you want to tell us the city, I can ask people to tweet it out and say, hey, if you met a guy at a dog park in blank and you’ve been trying to track him down, he regrets that he didn’t ask for your number. Happy Valentine’s Day. And we can get you in touch because now Anita has your contact info. You want to say what city you’re in? 

Caller 4 [00:15:56] I will say that. That’s an incredible honor, Chris. Thank you. I’m in Memphis, Tennessee. 

Chris [00:16:02] Memphis, Tennessee. So if you’re out there and you got a dog in Memphis, Tennessee, and you’re wandering somewhere around a inexplicably huge dog park, seeing if you can meet this gentleman. Oh, and what kind of dog do you have, caller? Just so we know that the caller. 

Caller 4 [00:16:16] Can- I guess, is it Beautiful Anonymous dogs or is it just beautiful- I can see my dog’s name. 

Chris [00:16:21] You’re right. We don’t want to we don’t want to drag your dog. Dogs have to stay anonymous too. New rule. Seven years in, we’re still making of new- new rules. But what I can say is, if you’re out there. 

Caller 4 [00:16:30] She’s a hound mix. Hound mix. How about that? I won’t say her name.  

Chris [00:16:32] A hound mix. That’s nice and vague. That’s good. So, listen, if you’re a listener and you’re in Memphis, Tennessee, and you are somehow finding this and you go, I have I talked to a guy with a hound mix and I was hoping he would ask for my number and he chickened out, but I’m willing to give him a second chance. I understand that. And listeners, if you want to spread word on this, go ahead and tweet. Hey, if you’re in Memphis and you’re trying to track down that guy, we’re going to try to perpetuate a sort of You’ve Got Mail Sleepless in Seattle type thing here via the show. We try to help you out, sir. Okay. Great job. Great job. Let’s get another call going. That’s good. We got now we’ve got a mission statement behind this. That’s great. Who’s our next caller on the line? 

Caller 5 [00:17:10] Hello, Chris. How are you? 

Chris [00:17:12] I’m doing really well. How are you? 

Caller 5 [00:17:14] I’m doing good. And so I just kind of wanted to call in and say that I have never really had much experience with Valentine’s Day or dating someone during Valentine’s Day. I tend to agree with what the first caller said, which is, I think, kind of becoming a theme of spending it more with friends. And so I also just wanted to ask your advice about how to meet people besides dating apps and considering that I don’t drink. 

Chris [00:17:46] I mean, I was a sober dater as well. I also had the luxury, though- I can only speak to my life experience- I was also a performer, so I was in bars all the time because of that and meeting people. I, I always feel strange when people ask me for dating advice on the show. How- can I ask how old you are, caller? 

Caller 5 [00:18:07] I’m 22 and getting ready to graduate college. 

Chris [00:18:10] So you’re a 22 year old college senior asking a 42 year old man who’s been married since 2014 for dating advice, which is both flattering and an honor. And I will say I’m not certain, although I got to tell you, the sober thing, that getting in the way, I’ll tell you a… It’s an easy thing to overthink. And I remember feeling like this is going to make dating such an uphill climb. And I mean, I lived a weird life. But also you quickly meet other sober people or you quickly meet other people who are like, Oh, that’s great. You can be the designated driver. We’re going to be a great couple. Like you start to meet people who don’t care at all about it. So I would say get out of your own way in terms of that. I’ll also tell you this. At least a few years ago, and maybe the people in the room with me can vouch for me, in New York City, at least, there was a weirdly known thing where if you are a young person and you’re looking to find somebody to date and you don’t want it to revolve around like bars… There are a number of adult kickball leagues that at least back in the day, it was a known thing for me- you sign up for a kickball league and by the end they’re kind of a big old fuck fest. Like that. That- right? Wasn’t that the vibe back in the day? I’m getting at least one person affirming this. So I think adult recreational sports leagues are kind of a known, Hey, we’ll go do an activity together that’s not a traditional dating thing. And then by the end, we’ll sort of have a sense of who wants to hang out with who. So that is one piece of advice I can give as far as practical advice. How are you at kickball? 

Caller 5 [00:19:45] I’m really not a sporty person, to be honest. 

Chris [00:19:48] Oh, so you have no interest in that? 

Caller 5 [00:19:51] Not that area. But I can see how that would be applicable to a different sort of organization or club and getting involved. 

Chris [00:19:58] That’s I think that’s what you- anything that’s labeled adult blank… I think there is an undercurrent of like the nice thing about those is you can do the activity or you can do the adult, you know? Good luck. Good luck, caller. 

Caller 5 [00:20:14] All right. Thank you. 

Chris [00:20:15] Call back and let me know how it goes. All right. Let’s get another caller on the line. Maybe this person can tell me if the kickball thing is still a thing. That was a known thing for a long time in New York City. All right, hello, caller. 

Caller 6 [00:20:27] Oh, it’s me! 

Chris [00:20:28] It is. It’s you. 

Caller 6 [00:20:29] Hello? 

Chris [00:20:30] Hi. 

Caller 6 [00:20:31] Oh, my goodness. I have to tell you something funny, that my husband is lying in bed with me. And when we first started dating, he showed up in a kickball outfit. 

Chris [00:20:40] He was a kickball guy? 

Caller 6 [00:20:42] He was single and that was where they went to to meet the girls. But it’s not where he met me. 

Chris [00:20:48] But you’re telling me one call later you can vouch that your husband used to be an adult kickball guy in an effort to meet girls? 

Caller 6 [00:20:55] Yeah. And we just saw you on the show- we’re from Chicagoland. We saw you on that special where you talked about how The Hideout is right near the kickball place. 

Chris [00:21:03] It is, right? The Hideout in Chicago, a venue I’ve performed at a bunch of times. It’s right next to- weirdly, in Chicago, it’s like an industrial truck loading zone and endless kickball fields right there on the outskirts of Chicago. Strange area.

Caller 6 [00:21:15] My guy was there. 

Chris [00:21:17] All right, so you guys are just laying in bed. I like that. The Valentine’s Day call, laying in bed next to your lover? I love this. 

Caller 6 [00:21:25] Yep. And see that’s- the calls that I got to hear- I’m stuttering I’m so excited- the calls I got to hear were mostly about meeting people and I- trying to meet people. And I was going to talk about how I had the perfect guy now and that I love celebrating love. 

Chris [00:21:41] Okay. We have some people in the room who are touched. 

Caller 6 [00:21:44] I think it’s kind of a meet cute. I had a lot of bad relationships, including a bad marriage. And at age 42, I walked into the karaoke bar I’d been to a thousand times because it felt like a safe place to not get hit on when you didn’t want to be hit on. And I met my husband. 

Chris [00:21:59] Oh, wow. And what song do you remember what songs he sang that night that impressed you? 

Caller 6 [00:22:04] He- Can you hear it, honey? He did not sing for the first five years. And now I own an improv studio. And after every show, it turns into karaoke and I can’t get the guy off the mic. I was the karaoke whore. He wouldn’t sing at all. I sang Shoop. And afterward I walked toward the bar and there were three girls and a guy. And they’re like, You are great! We bought you a shot! I’m like, Thanks! It seemed safe. It was three girls and a guy, and this other guy comes up and taps me on the shoulder and goes, That was great. I go, Oh, you thought so? So did they. They bought me a shot. And turned around. And that is the first thing I ever said to my husband. 

Chris [00:22:41] You told him, Put up or shut up. You said, buy me a drink or back off. 

Caller 6 [00:22:46] Literally, the day before, I had said I’m finally ready to start dating. And then I met him. He kept talking to me. He was cute. My friend goes, You said you’re ready to start dating. I’m like, I’m not going to meet a guy in a bar! She goes, Well, yesterday you said, I’m not going to meet a guy online. What are you doing? She interviews him, comes back to me and goes, hair, teeth, and a job. Go. 

Chris [00:23:07] And Shoop is a song, I mean, Shoop is a thinly veiled allegory, too, about that’s a song about sex. 

Caller 6 [00:23:14] And he was supposed to be my first one night stand. 

Chris [00:23:18] Oh, that worked out well, huh? 

Caller 6 [00:23:20] Yeah, I was 42, raised Catholic, but agnostic. And I walked away guilt free that morning, going, that wasn’t so bad. Why didn’t I ever do that before? And then he started texting. So not a one night stand. On our wedding invitation and on each of our wedding bands it says, Right time, right place. And everybody- because we couldn’t believe how we met. And everybody always thinks that’s so sweet. But I’m going to tell you, Chris, it says that because as we were undressing, he knew I hadn’t had sex in two years. And he goes, Why me? And I go, I don’t know. Right time, right place. Do you have more questions or we finally gonna do this? So that’s why it says. Right time, right place on our wedding bands. 

Chris [00:24:02] I could not love that story more. Thank you for sharing it with us. What a call. What a day we’re having. All right. A weirdly intimate thing to hear in a studio with 15 to 20 people looking at me. Okay. Hello. Our next caller is on the line. Hello. 

Caller 7 [00:24:20] Oh, shit. 

Chris [00:24:22] Hello? 

Caller 7 [00:24:23] Hey. 

Chris [00:24:24] Hey. 

Caller 7 [00:24:26] Can I close my window? One second. 

Chris [00:24:28] Yeah. Take your time. You have 3 minutes. What if it takes you 3 minutes to close the window and then the call’s over? 

Caller 7 [00:24:38] Hey, buddy. 

Chris [00:24:39] Hey. How’s it going? 

Caller 7 [00:24:42] Oh, it’s okay. It’s okay. So I have for you I want you to answer for from experience, okay? 

Chris [00:24:49] Yeah. 

Caller 7 [00:24:50] A Valentine Valentine team question. So, are you ready? 

Chris [00:24:56] Yeah. Yeah. All ears. 

Caller 7 [00:24:58] Okay. Okay. By the way, I loved your did you remember that special you did for soda? You reviewed soda? 

Chris [00:25:09] Oh, yeah. The episode with the guy from hot (UNCLEAR). Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Caller 7 [00:25:12] Yeah. That was amazing, man. 

Chris [00:25:14] Thank you. Yeah, I really do enjoy soda. 

Caller 7 [00:25:15] Really yeah you real know your stuff. 

Chris [00:25:17] I know a weird amount about soda. This is true. Yeah I was proud of that. 

Caller 7 [00:25:21] Okay, so my question. My question is, what do you think? Can you love someone? Can you go into a relationship if you don’t really love yourself? 

Chris [00:25:33] Ooh. Everyone in the room has an opinion? Who? I think. I mean, I think you can, because people do all the time, right? The real question is, should you? And I can say that I’ve had relationships end because I didn’t love myself. And the bad thing about those as I think about them now as a grown up, is those are the ones that are really hard to explain to someone else, right? When you’re like, oh, it’s it’s really got nothing to do with you. I’m just full of self-doubt and self-hate and self-loathing and you… It’s not your job to solve any of those things. So now I have to hurt your feelings. Sorry. That’s really bad. Why do you ask? 

Caller 7 [00:26:19] Oh, you know… No, no, no. I don’t know, man. I get so so quick to fall in love with someone. You know, I think it’s not from… From like, I want to love those people, but it’s from, like, the insecurities I have, you know? So, yeah, I think you’re expert. No offense, but, like, you had a rough adulthood right? You can…

Chris [00:26:45] Did you just say I’m an expert in low self-esteem basically? You’re not wrong. I’ve made it work. I somehow wound up with a very cool, pretty wife even though I have had a lifetime of publicly announcing that I feel nothing but shame all the time. 

Caller 7 [00:27:02] Yeah, that’s cool, man. That’s cool. You got to the top. I applaud you. 

Chris [00:27:06] Yeah. Thanks. I’m glad to give the other nerds hope, I guess. 

Caller 7 [00:27:12] Yeah, well, thank you. Thank you very much. 

Chris [00:27:15] Thank you so much for calling. And I’m glad you like the so the video, and I hope everything turns out okay. Let’s get back 3 minutes on the clock. Let’s get our next caller going. 

Caller 8 [00:27:25] Hey, Chris. How are you doing? 

Chris [00:27:26] I’m feeling really good. How are you, my Canadian friend? 

Caller 8 [00:27:30] No, but close enough to the border that you could probably rubs off. I don’t know. 

Chris [00:27:35] There you go. Okay. Okay. I tried. 

Caller 8 [00:27:38] So in the same in the same vein, I wasn’t- I didn’t even hear all those other calls, but I was going to tell you about how my husband and I met. So this was in the 1980s, a tai chi retreat. And the way he tells the story is we met naked on the beach because, and like, he just does that for the shock value, including at a wedding reception where my father was in earshot. And he like, turned ghostly white. And I’m surprised he didn’t just drop dead on the spot. But anyway, so we met naked on the beach of the tai chi retreat. And then, like at the time that we started getting together, I had to walk through stinging nettles to get to his front door. That is how important it was for me to fight for this relationship. 

Chris [00:28:32] You had to walk through what? 

Caller 8 [00:28:34] Stinging nettles. Do you know about stinging nettles? Maybe they only grow in this part of the country. They, they actually, if you brush against them with your skin, it leaves a stinging rash that doesn’t go away for hours. 

Chris [00:28:46] Oh, wow. And you had to walk through those to get to his front- there was no path to the door? 

Caller 8 [00:28:52] He just didn’t bother to, you know, clear the path until I started dating him. And then I was like, We need a coffee pot, and you need to cut down the stinging nettles. 

Chris [00:29:03] That’s- I have to say, if those are the standards for the relationship, I need coffee and you have to stop poisoning me with deadly plants. Can I also say, like to go on a tai chi retreat that involves nudism is- feels sort of fringe today. People doing that back in the eighties, that was real wild in the eighties, huh? 

Caller 8 [00:29:25] It was really cold water, too. We were swimming in the upper part of the Pacific Ocean and it was it wasn’t so much swimming. It was like a you know, it was more like a polar bear plunge where you, like, take your clothes off, run into the cold, cold water and then run back out ontot he beach. 

Chris [00:29:44] What’s it like- I’m asking this very genuinely, we have 30 seconds left- to start dating someone when you met naked? Is it is it weirder the first time you go out with clothes on? 

Caller 8 [00:29:57] You know, maybe I was less inhibited back then. I’m sure I was less inhibited back then, but I lived in a house with a hot tub in the backyard. We had parties all the time where people got naked. It just wasn’t like a sexual thing to be naked around people, especially your friends. It wasn’t- I mean, that was weird because it was being naked around strangers. But being naked around your friends was not unusual for me at the time. That was a long time ago. 

Chris [00:30:27] Can I say, I have no idea how old you are. You sound so sweet and reserved. And I have a feeling that when you go about your day and go to the grocery store and then, you know, stop at the bank to hit up the cash machine that most people are like, I bet this is a person that was throwing naked hot tub parties all throughout the eighties. 

Caller 8 [00:30:49] I bet you’re right about that with my gray hairs and wrinkles. Yep. 

Chris [00:30:51] Oh, I love it. Thank you so much for calling. What a great call. All right, let’s keep it going. Who is our next caller? 

Caller 9 [00:30:59] Good morning from Alaska. 

Chris [00:31:01] Alaska? One of the five states I have not been to. 

Caller 9 [00:31:05] Yeah, you need to come up here. 

Chris [00:31:07] I’m working on it. 

Caller 9 [00:31:08] I’m really excited for the day that you come up here. 

Chris [00:31:10] Working on it. Someday. Someday. Hopefully soon. 

Caller 9 [00:31:14] Yeah. So I am hoping that I can take advantage of there being a crowd. My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years, and I feel really silly and kind of juvenile calling him my boyfriend, but I haven’t come up with an appropriate word I feel like to describe the relationship properly. I used to say significant other. And then people would tease me. I used to work in a, um, an environment with like a lot of older gentlemen. So maybe it’s just a new word. 

Chris [00:31:54] Sure. And can I ask, do you anticipate that someday you two might get married or have you talked and decided that marriage is not your thing? 

Caller 9 [00:32:03] I we talk about it all the time. I think that, you know, he has some social anxiety. And I’m pretty sure the actual wedding part kind of freaks him out. But we are committed and, um, we have a really, really great relationship. And I do think we will get married someday, but it just hasn’t been like a rush, I would say. 

Chris [00:32:30] Would it drive him. 

Caller 9 [00:32:31] Excuse the dog. We met when we were really young, like- 

Chris [00:32:35] Your dogs are furious about this. 

Caller 9 [00:32:38] They get so jealous when I’m on the phone with people. 

Chris [00:32:42] I get it. I get it. Would would it trigger all of his anxiety if you sort of if you started calling him your future husband or your sort of husband or your pseudo husband? Would those things drive him nuts?

Caller 9 [00:32:55] I don’t think so. He doesn’t correct people when people call me his wife at work. 

Chris [00:33:00] Okay. 

Caller 9 [00:33:00] And I already call his mom like my mother in law. 

Chris [00:33:04] There you go. Okay. You could also call him your- 

Caller 9 [00:33:05] It’s the getting up in front of people and actually saying vows and that sort of thing. 

Chris [00:33:11] You- partner, you could say a lot of people whose partner. You could you soulmate if you want to be a little more romantic. 

Caller 9 [00:33:17] Oh, soulmate. 

Chris [00:33:18] A friend of mine who used to- my friend Murph who used to be on my TV show with me. Him and his wife refer to each other only as their lovers. He never says my wife. He always says my lover. 

Caller 9 [00:33:28] I thought about doing that to make people really uncomfortable when I first meet them on purpose. 

Chris [00:33:33] I’m going to vote for that then. I’m going- to say that in front of a man with social anxiety is so cruel, but also so funny. 

Caller 9 [00:33:44] I love it. That’s so funny. 

Chris [00:33:46] I briefly thought you were going to propose in the course of this three minute phone call, but maybe next year. 

Caller 9 [00:33:52] He’s at work right now. I’ve thought about it, though, because we’re supposed to take a really nice trip later this year. 

Chris [00:33:56] Ooh, well, good luck. Call back, let me know how it goes. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello. You’ve got 3 minutes here on the Beautiful Anonymous Valentine’s Day spectacular. 

Caller 10 [00:34:08] Hey, Chris. 

Chris [00:34:08] Hey. 

Caller 10 [00:34:10] How you doing? 

Chris [00:34:10] Good. How are you? 

Caller 10 [00:34:13] All right, So I wanted to share a funny story about how my husband and I met. We met playing a video game online, and he shot me in the head. 

Chris [00:34:23] What? What video game? 

Caller 10 [00:34:26] Counterstrike. 

Chris [00:34:28] You met playing Counter-Strike? He shot in the head? Most- 

Caller 10 [00:34:33] I am absolutely abysmal at Counterstrike. And he shot me a couple of times and finally was like, okay, can you please teach me how to play? And it just evolved from there. 

Chris [00:34:42] You became Counterstrike buddies. Now the stereotype of people who speak to each other on video games is that you’re constantly dealing with like racist 14 year olds from weird parts of Florida. Right? Like, that’s the cliche of who is speaking on a video gaming. How do you develop romance? Do you live near each other? Do you eventually move to be with each other? 

Caller 10 [00:35:05] Um, we were long distance, so he eventually was passing through when I finally met him in person. And I told my sister that day that I was like, This is the man I’m going to marry. 

Chris [00:35:14] The Counterstrike guy. I’m sure you’d spoken on the phone by then. What era of history was this? Were you able to, like, get on a video chat? What’s that? 

Caller 10 [00:35:26] Yeah, we had a forum and I was playing on my sister’s server, so I just wanted to join the forum and we chatted that way a lot. 

Chris [00:35:32] On a private forum. Okay. And when he came through, had you seen him at that point? Had you seen had you done video chats at that point? 

Caller 10 [00:35:40] No, because this was pre a lot of the video chats. 

Chris [00:35:44] So it was sight unseen. You just knew him as a Counterstrike advice giver. 

Caller 10 [00:35:50] Pretty much. 

Chris [00:35:51] And then he passes through and you’re like, Ooh, this is a handsome fellow. 

Caller 10 [00:35:56] Yes. 

Chris [00:35:58] And how did you- what is the- what are the speeches like at that wedding? Do you play Counterstrike at the wedding? 

Caller 10 [00:36:06] Um, we didn’t. We had some nerdy speeches. And the most memorable one was from one of my friends who was wanted to make toast while making the toast, but forgot the bread. 

Chris [00:36:18] I got it. Wanted to make- got it. 

Caller 10 [00:36:21] He made it about how sometimes marriage is forgetting the beand. You have to work around that. 

Chris [00:36:26] Got it. Got it. Wow. This is a truly nerdy friend group you’ve got. 

Caller 10 [00:36:32] It is. It really is. 

Chris [00:36:34] And how long have you been married? 

Caller 10 [00:36:36] 15 years this May. 

Chris [00:36:38] 15 years in May. Do you still play video games together? 

Caller 10 [00:36:41] Oh, we play Minecraft right now. And I have a friend who suggested another one that’s similar to Minecraft that I’m trying to check out. 

Chris [00:36:48] Are you ever put in a weird position where if you or he talked to people through your gaming headsets, you’re like, hold on a second. Are you are you like, that’s cheating in a way?

Caller 10 [00:36:59] No, not really. I mean, I- because he’s not from around here, I also found some friends for him. I commute on a train line. And I saw one guy who kept wearing nerdy t shirts and I was like, Hey, you seem like a nice guy. So we sat together and talked for a train ride, and I brought him home as a friend for my husband. And his group of friends… 

Chris [00:37:17] That’s amazing. Well done. Great call. Getting another caller on line. To everybody sitting, remember, you get 3 minutes to tell your story. As long as it relates to romance, dating, sex, love Valentine’s Day in some way, it has a home here on our Valentine’s Day show. Welcome, caller. How are you? 

Caller 11 [00:37:36] Hey, Chris. Good. How are you?

Chris [00:37:37] What’s that? 

Caller 11 [00:37:39] Oh, I said, how are you doing? How’s the live crowd? I was actually supposed to be there today, but I woke up feeling way too shitty and busy to ride a Megabus and then get on the subway system. So I decided to call in instead. 

Chris [00:37:51] That’s very smart. Thank you for not risking the rest of our health. Everybody’s nice. I’ll tell you, this is the second time I think we’ve done one of these shows in the Sirius Fishbowl, and it’s very fun. But I think the crowd would agree with me. Kind of weird. Like we can all- the lights are on. It’s not like a show. Like we can all make eye contact constantly. There’s only two rows of seats. So it’s like kind of not that intimate, but more intimate than it should. It’s landing in a weird ground of intimacy, but we’re all on the same page about it, so I think we’re good. I think the 15 or so people that were there would all agree with me, that felt pretty on target. And was really nice meeting all those people. Very, very kind people. Made me feel good. Made me feel like we’ve got to do more of these things. Anyway. Got some ads. We’ll be right back. Thanks to our advertisers. And now let’s finish off the episode. There’s only two rows of seats, so it’s like kind of not that intimate, but more intimate than it should. It’s landing in a weird ground of intimacy, but we’re all on the same page about it. So I think we’re good. 

Caller 11 [00:38:58] Sounds fun. Hopefully next time I’ll make it and join in that intimacy. 

Chris [00:39:02] We’d love to have. 

Caller 11 [00:39:03] Awesome. So for my story, I dated in New York for six years and nothing really came out of it. One of the reasons is because I dated with chronic illness. And actually, before I get to that, I’m going to tell you one of my weirdest stories that kind of revolve around chronic illness for one of my dates. So I had this random leg pain and I had to cancel the first date with this guy. And he was like, okay, sure, no problem. The pain never went away. X-ray, MRI was negative, so I was like, You know what? I’m just going to go on the date. So we go on the date and he’s like, Oh, don’t worry that you canceled. Like, I had this, leg pain too, and I had to get the surgery called a fasciotomy. And during the date, he literally whips out a picture of, like, surgery during the O.R. with his leg cut open. 

Chris [00:39:57] On the first date? 

Caller 11 [00:39:58] Irony. First date. Yup. And then the irony behind that is, a week later, I ended up going to the same surgeon this guy went to, needed the same surgery, but he ghosted me so I never got to tell him the story. But now I have that picture in surgery, so I can totally show that to someone on the first date. Or probably not, but… 

Chris [00:40:19] So you didn’t get anything romantic long term out of that date, but you did wind up with a surgeon who helped fix your leg? 

Caller 11 [00:40:26] Yeah, pretty much. 

Chris [00:40:27] Yeah. That’s not bad. I would take that. I would take that trade. 

Caller 11 [00:40:32] So definitely weird, but I’ll go with it. And then just in general, dating in New York with chronic illness, I found it very hard, and especially with COVID on top of that, because the last two times I got COVID, I had to go to the hospital and I ended up like out of commission for two months in a wheelchair, this whole thing. So I’ve been terrified to just, you know, try it again. And then the other component of it is going out and not being able to drink or have dairy and having to explain that to someone on the first day or before the first date. So that’s definitely really been a challenge between those two things. 

Chris [00:41:13] I bet. Your 3 minutes is up. I thank you for calling. I know from my time in New York, like… New York, one of the most fun things about it is that it’s fast paced. There’s always things happening. You can go in a million different directions on any given night. But if you are someone with chronic pain, maybe you don’t want to live a life that’s fast paced and being pulled in random directions and I can imagine how hard that is and my heart goes out to you. Let’s get our next caller on the line here for our Valentine’s Day show live from the fish bowl at Sirius XM. 

Caller 12 [00:41:44] Chris, how are you? 

Chris [00:41:45] I’m good. How are you? 

Caller 12 [00:41:47] Good. So I don’t think anyone has done this yet. But I have an embarrassing sex story for you. 

Chris [00:41:52] All ears. 

Caller 12 [00:41:55] So my partner of five years, who I love, we went to Catholic high school together. So we’ve been a lot of, you know, firsts or whatever. So. We got to go back a little bit for context here. So I wake up the said morning and I’m not feeling good. I’m like, I don’t know what’s going on. My stomach hurts, you know, whatever. So I go to work. He goes to work. We get home, we have a nice dinner and, you know, start to set the mood a little bit. So we get into, you know, the deed and we both look at each other and we’re like, you know, the most disrespectful smell that I’ve ever smelled in my life graced my nose. So I’m like, What’s going on? We’re looking at each other. And, you know, he’s very loving and, you know, like, it’s okay, whatever. So that happens. The deed is done, it’s over with, it’s an afterthought. And so, you know, I go to the bathroom, I’m like, What is happening? And turns out it was a rogue tampon that had been up there for God knows how long. And he is still with me today. 

Chris [00:43:00] I’m going to tell you, our entire live crowd, I heard everyone gasp. And then a gentleman in the second row just went, Oh, my God. And that’s what we all- that was our collective reaction. I think that summed it up. Wow. Yeah, that’s I mean, I’ve heard I’ve heard that that can happen. I’ve heard that that is a thing. Were you okay? Because I also know that can lead to some health stuff. 

Caller 12 [00:43:21] Yeah, I was okay. I was, like, feeling really sick. And then as soon as it was out, it was I was fine. Like, 10 minutes later. So the love must still be very alive because he is still with me after all of that. 

Chris [00:43:32] That’s that is a that is a great story. That is a traumatic incident. And I have a feeling many people will now make it a habit of checking after hearing this episode. 

Caller 12 [00:43:45] Yes. And that is my goal. 

Chris [00:43:48] Did it does it create? How long ago did this happen? 

Caller 12 [00:43:52] Um, probably like a month ago. 

Chris [00:43:55] A month ago! So you’re kind of still in the aftermath. So now are you like, are you still having a thing where you’re, like, a little paranoid? 

Caller 12 [00:44:03] Oh for sure. Absolutely.  

Chris [00:44:07] All from a couple of Catholic kids, too. That’s not good. Like, this is why the nuns yelled at us so much! 

Caller 12 [00:44:13] They’re the worst. 

Chris [00:44:17] Yeah. Yeah. Wow. A month ago. We’ve got 10 seconds left, and I feel like all I can do is just still keep reacting to that. 

Caller 12 [00:44:26] Yeah. You’re gonna be thinking about it for a while. 

Chris [00:44:29] Yeah. Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day. Thank you so much for calling. Let’s get our next caller on the line. We had our first sex story and it was a doozy. Hello. Welcome to the show. 

Caller 13 [00:44:42] Oh, no. I have to follow the tampon story. 

Chris [00:44:44] Yeah. Yeah. You are. You are living in a post tampon world. 

Caller 13 [00:44:50] I am indeed. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, at the top here, I want to say I got to see you in San Pedro with my girlfriend back a few months ago. And you were great. 

Chris [00:44:58] Thanks. At the Sardine, one of the great venues in this country. Place is awesome.

Caller 13 [00:45:02] Totally. So weirdly enough, I’m actually at my girlfriend’s parents house right now, and she is not here. She went to go get some, get some tea. So, yeah, she as soon as I told her I got on the line, she was like, Oh, I’m gone. So, yeah, that’s how romantic we are. 

Chris [00:45:21] That’s cool. 

Caller 13 [00:45:23] Yes. So we actually are going to move in together in about a month. 

Chris [00:45:29] Nice. Congrats. 

Caller 13 [00:45:29] We’ve been dating for, like, a year now and yeah. Yeah, it’s exciting. Her parents are, like, super happy that she’s leaving because we’re adults. We’re, like, in our thirties, and she moved back in with them during COVID, so she’s been here for, like, three years. So her mom is like this British lady who’s like, super- I don’t know if you know British humor at all, but like, she’s super mean? But like, funny mean. But mean. 

Chris [00:45:56] I feel like you’re giggling as you say that because she might be in earshot. 

Caller 13 [00:46:00] She’s downstairs, hopefully asleep, but who knows? 

Chris [00:46:03] Okay. Okay. 

Caller 13 [00:46:05] So, yeah, we met just over a year ago online. And the funny thing about my girlfriend is she’s a birthday party clown. 

Chris [00:46:16] Whoa. That’s cool. 

Caller 13 [00:46:18] Yeah. Yeah. So she mostly just works the weekends and whatnot, but yeah, she makes balloons for kids and does magic and stuff. And basically, like, she’s a self-described like 13 year old boy in like a 38 year old, six foot tall lady body. 

Chris [00:46:35] Now I got to ask. I’m sure, when you start dating, you don’t- you’re not you’re not aware like how long into dating before you see her in her clown outfit or doing her clown act? Because that’s going to be a real moment of truth, right? 

Caller 13 [00:46:53] Right. Well, I’ve still never seen her act before, but I have seen her. I’ve been over when she had to go, like go to a birthday party or something and was like gearing up to do that. I’ve also seen her at the end of a really long clown day where, you know, all the makeup is starting to, like, just melt off of her face and she’s super tired. And after you have to, like, take off her wig and get her out of her, like, you know, her big her big shoes and help her unpack her, like, magic bag full of like, like squeaking chickens and and and party tricks and balloons and stuff. 

Chris [00:47:26] And what do you do? 

Caller 13 [00:47:29]  I’m an actor. We we actually bonded because we were both children’s performers. Like, I used to be on the road doing, like, educational theater for kids across the country and stuff. And she does performing for kids like as part of her job. So we kind of bonded over that. 

Chris [00:47:46] That’s awesome. I can see that where I was hoping you were going to say, like, I’m a stock trader and I make money and that’s my whole thing. And she’s a clown.

Caller 13 [00:47:53] Oh, God, Chris, we’re going to be so broke.  

Chris [00:47:59] Well, good luck. I hope you are broke and happy and artistic and helping kids and everything works out great. And thank you for calling. That is a very funny image in my mind. Okay, let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello. Welcome to our Valentine’s Day episode. This is Beautiful Anonymous. 

Caller 14 [00:48:17] Hey, Chris, How you doing? 

Chris [00:48:18] Good, good. How are you? 

Caller 14 [00:48:20] I’m doing great, man. Man, what’s going on? Well, I’ve been trying to call the regular show forever, and the thing I’ve always want to talk about with you relates to sex and romance and the rest of that. And that is dating and trying to find love in a very niche sex group, kink group which there are many of. But anyway, yeah. So the one the one that I am in, it’s been challenging and whatnot but finally had some success you know this this past year and I’m with someone who we’re going to be buying a house together and hopefully getting engaged the next calendar year sometime. So I’m just kind of like a, you know, you know, it works out and you just got to keep and, you know, keep keep your eyes open kind of thing. 

Chris [00:49:08] I’m glad to hear it works out. I got to ask you, what’s the kink? 

Caller 14 [00:49:13] What’s the kink, what’s it’s it’s an odd one and it’s one that gets mixed reactions. I’m wondering how everyone’s going to react. Has anyone ever heard of age play?

Chris [00:49:21] What play? 

Caller 14 [00:49:23] Age play. 

Chris [00:49:24] Age play. Like number like like like what age you are. How old you are. 

Caller 14 [00:49:30] Kinda. Yeah. The real the term buzzword is ABBL. 

Chris [00:49:38] Explain. We’ve got a minute and a half. Explain how this works. 

Caller 14 [00:49:41] Yeah. So, okay, So it is people who are into either a fetish for diapers or for roleplaying, you know, in a younger age category. 

Chris [00:49:54] Oh, so I because I have heard of the kink where like where people will sleep in a crib and wear diapers and and embrace the idea… So are you the one in the diapers or do you are you the daddy? 

Caller 14 [00:50:09] No, that would be the other way around. No, I’m. Yeah, I’m the one who would be in diapers. Yep.

Chris [00:50:13] So you enjoy a kink where you- and how old do you like to age play? How old do you embrace as your age? 

Caller 14 [00:50:20] You know, I’m so I’m someone who falls more into the category of it being a fetish first. So it’s really more just like a comfort thing for the whole, you know, regression age play aspect of it, of just kind of like feeling cared for and supported and loved. So it’s, you know, it’s like feeling, you know, like of that age that you (UNCLEAR). But for me and for a lot of people, it’s, again, this is a very wide category. This was a fetish for me that, like, goes back to my earliest memories that I you know, when you’re so young, you don’t even realize what it is until you hit puberty kind of thing. But it’s like my earliest memories kind of revolve around having a sexual attraction to to that. 

Chris [00:50:57] I’m telling you right now, I’ve loved every caller thus far in our Valentine’s Day episode. Hey, Anita, let’s write down this guy’s number and call back and do a full episode with you, sir. How does that sound? Because I got so many questions and if there’s ever- there have been some of these where in 3 minutes it felt like we got a good, satisfying beginning, middle and end. That one felt like not even a trailer. That felt like it, that felt like a teaser. That felt like a teaser. That was incredible. Okay, we’ll call- maybe maybe later today we’ll call that guy back. All right. Let’s get another caller on the line. Hello. Welcome to the show. 

Caller 15 [00:51:36] Hello. 

Chris [00:51:37] Hi. What’s your kink? 

Caller 15 [00:51:39] Hi. Oh my god. 

Chris [00:51:42] I was just kidding. It doesn’t have to be about kinks. 

Caller 15 [00:51:45] Cool. Awesome. Well, currently sitting on a bidet. I knew if I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, I would somehow get through. 

Chris [00:51:52] Oh, I thought that was your kink. 

Caller 15 [00:51:52] I’m a mom, and I just want to share a little advice it’s for moms who feel like they’re never going to get that little zaz back in their relationship. Get a bidet. You feel like you can’t shower? You feel like you’re gross, you’re not in the mood cuz you’re feeling gross, a bidet is life changing. 

Chris [00:52:13] So you’re saying for new moms, a bidet helps you get a little bit of that, a little bit of that step back. 

Caller 15 [00:52:19] You can get clean without having to take the time to take a shower. And it’s a game changer. I feel like it’s unexpected. I’ve got a couple kids and especially after the second, it’s been hard getting in the mood and making time, you know, for sexy time with my partner. But a bidet and a little bit of Delta 8 gummies changes the game. 

Chris [00:52:41] So you hit a little edible, you hit the bidet, and then you’re ready to go. It it and it helps in the bedroom a little bit. 

Caller 15 [00:52:47] It’s been worth it. And now when I tell my husband that I finally got through and this is what we talked about, he’s gonna have a time. 

Chris [00:52:56] Let me ask you a question, because as a dad who wants to be a supportive partner and who understands exactly what you’re saying, that idea, especially when my son was first born, that first year or so of like, I don’t even have time to take a shower, and a lot of these things that we both felt, but that my wife definitely felt more… If I was to get her a bidet as a Valentine’s gift, how do you think that goes over? 

Caller 15 [00:53:20] Honestly, if you splurged for the one with the heated seat, the female setting, and the warm water, dude, it may be a little weird at first, but the payoff is worth it. 

Chris [00:53:29] What is the female setting? 

Caller 15 [00:53:34] The nozzle moves a little more forward. 

Chris [00:53:39] Got it. I can picture it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how body- Yeah, right. Yeah. I took health class in middle school. Got ya. Got ya. Wow. Okay, so for everybody out there listening, get a bidet. You’re saying bidet. Spice things up in the bedroom by spicing things up in the bathroom first. 

Caller 15 [00:53:59] Mm hmm. And especially if you’re curious about, you know, butt stuff, it’s, it’s a must. 

Chris [00:54:05] So you’re saying in general positive effects. Butt stuff? Look, it pays itself, pays for itself in days. 

Caller 15 [00:54:18] Yeah, it does. It does. 

Chris [00:54:20] Wow. I didn’t think we’d get advice on how to encourage healthy, clean, butt exploration today. But if there’s any episode where it’s fitting, it is this one. Thank you for the call, caller. Everybody out there, we just had a a rush on bidets on the internet as soon as this episode dropped. Okay. Let’s get our next caller on the line. We’ve got time for a few more. Hello, caller. How are you? 

Caller 15 [00:54:41] Hello? 

Chris [00:54:42] Hi. 

Caller 15 [00:54:43] How’s it going? 

Chris [00:54:44] It’s good. How are you? 

Caller 15 [00:54:45] I’m doing all right. I’m just in between meetings at work. Well, what I’ve got to share is mostly just cheesy, like typical. We met in high school, and we dated through high school and college and then got married while I was in college. And everybody expected us to have a very typical Midwest marriage, which was like after we finished school, have kids, but instead we moved out west. And I, I work for a tech company and I’m elite strength athlete now and my spouse is an ultra runner. So, you know, no kids in the picture and my family is baffled, but it’s been fun. 

Chris [00:55:35] So you’re an elite strength athlete. Is this relate to like what I would think of as powerlifting? 

Caller 15 [00:55:41] Yes, it does. 

Chris [00:55:42] How much can you bench? 

Caller 15 [00:55:45] The most I’ve benched is only 195. 

Chris [00:55:48] Oh, only. 

Caller 15 [00:55:50] Bench is my worst lift. But for a woman, that is pretty good, I guess. 

Chris [00:55:55] I will tell you for anybody that’s good, I’d imagine. I once- long story short, I was- I’m friends with a pro wrestler and we were living together in Scotland and we joined a gym together. And he once had to rescue me because a bench press bar came down over my chest and throat and there was no weight. It was just the bar. And he came and rescued me. 

Caller 15 [00:56:18] Oh my God. 

Chris [00:56:19] Does that make you pity me? 

Caller 15 [00:56:23] It is kind of surprising that I took up with this sport because when I was like in high school and you had to test your max for gym, I did have a 95 pound bar dropped on my teeth. 

Chris [00:56:34] Oh wow. Can I ask- can I ask you a question that I probably normally wouldn’t ask on a regular episode? If you don’t answer it, that’s fine. But it’s the Valentine’s Day one, and we’re talking here about love, romance and sex. Can I ask you, when you are like an elite powerlifter and your partner is an ultra marathoner. 

Caller 15 [00:56:57] Yeah. 

Chris [00:56:58] The sex is good, right? When you got bodies like that. 

Caller 15 [00:57:03] Yeahhh. 

Chris [00:57:03] What? 

Caller 15 [00:57:04] Yeah! So another thing I’ll just throw in there is my partner is also a climber. He does a lot of, like, top roping, lead climbing. And so he’s pretty good with his hands, if you know what I mean. 

Chris [00:57:17] Oh, so you’re both, like, muscular, hot people who are really in touch with your bodies and each other’s bodies. 

Caller 15 [00:57:24] I wouldn’t say like hot, but I would say like, we’re both, like, pretty bricked up. I don’t know if that’s the right way to describe it, but, you know, it’s not like we’re shredded. You know, we understand the importance of maintaining a healthy weight. And that doesn’t mean like having a six pack all the time. But yeah, it’s pretty good. 

Chris [00:57:44] God bless you. 

Caller 15 [00:57:45] Another thing I throw in there, too, is like, you know, he’s he’s over 30 now and I’m approaching 30 very soon. And he started getting a lot hairier. And I’m actually really attracted to it. I, I did not think, you know, starting dating when you’re in high school, you’re not into, like, really furry bodies. But now that I’m older, yeah, man, I like the fur.

Chris [00:58:07] There you go. I bought a kettlebell and it has only been used to hold open a door. 

Caller 15 [00:58:13] To be fair, kettlebell movements are not my favorite either. 

Chris [00:58:18] Okay, I’m going to use it at some point. Thank you so much for calling. Definitely the horniest portion of the episode so far was that, was that call. Let’s go ahead. Let’s keep it rolling. We got time for a couple more. Let’s get our next caller on the line. Hello.

Caller 16 [00:58:32] (MAKES SEXY MUSIC SOUND)  

Chris [00:58:35] Hi. Porno music. 

Caller 16 [00:58:37] This is a spicy episode. 

Chris [00:58:39] I’m glad you think so. I’m feeling it. 

Caller 16 [00:58:41] Yeah. Uh, goodness. I wish I would have gotten on right after the butt stuff call, but time has passed, and, and here we are. Hi, Chris. I am, god, Valentine’s Day is going to be super special this year. I’m I’ve gone from dating no people to dating two people. It’s like my first foray into ethical non-monogamy, and it’s been pretty frickin great. Everyone knows everything that’s going on. It’s all above board. And I don’t know, I feel pretty fortunate to have not just one but two people in my life that want to have sex with me on a regular basis. 

Chris [00:59:27] And is this is this do you term it as like, I’m just dating and I happen to have two people that are both partners of mine and they know about each other, or do you consider this is it like more of a thing that might be viewed as a poly thing where it’s a lifestyle that everybody’s tapped into and parts of a greater whole? 

Caller 16 [00:59:48] Uh oh God, what a great opportunity for a pun. I think I, I for me, it’s like I’m dating two people. One of those people is also, like, partnered, married, you know, like in, in what I think is like, their priority relationship. But for me, I’m just dating two separate people. It’s never like the three of us all at once. But they’re friends, you know? They know each other. They know about each other. And honestly, I’m not even sure. This is all very new for me. 

Chris [01:00:20] And so for Valentine’s Day, does this mean that the the married person will spend Valentine’s Day with their spouse and you’ll focus more on the other partner in your life? 

Caller 16 [01:00:29] That’s my plan. Yeah. So I’ve already committed to plans with my non-married partner for Valentine’s Day. And I’m I guess I’m assuming at this point that my other partner will spend it with with their husband, which makes sense, I think. Right? Everyone wins in that scenario. 

Chris [01:00:50] And your partner who has a husband, can I ask… Their gender? 

Caller 16 [01:00:57] So I’m dating a woman and she’s married, and I’m also dating a cis man who is not married. 

Chris [01:01:04] 2023, baby. We’re living in a new world! Sounds pretty fun if everybody’s cool with it. 

Caller 16 [01:01:12] Yeah, yeah, everyone’s cool. Everyone knows what’s up. I think until this woman it had been like 15 years since I had been with a woman. And I was terrified. But I got back on that bike last week and-. 

Chris [01:01:25] Last week?! 

Caller 16 [01:01:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Chris [01:01:29] You just hooked up with her last week? 

Caller 16 [01:01:31] Yeah. Yeah. 

Chris [01:01:33] And how long have you been dating the cis guy? 

Caller 16 [01:01:36] That’s been kind of like it’s been, like, off and on since last August. So, yeah, so we’ve we’ve kind of like, cause I’ve been terrified of commitment in any way. And so this has been like, a nice, slow burn. Like a grilled cheese. It’s been low and slow, and now I’m ready to eat it. 

Chris [01:01:59] Just on my end, while I appreciate your mastery of of of words there to take something as sexy as the situation you describe and be like it’s sort of like grilled cheese, low and slow. I wasn’t expecting that analogy. 

Caller 16 [01:02:12] What isn’t sexy about a grilled cheese, Chris? 

Chris [01:02:15] Let’s write down this person’s number as well. I got to find out how this all went down. Thank you for the call. Let’s go ahead. I’ve been told we have time here in our studio for one more call before we got to clear out of the fishbowl. So everybody listening, I’m gonna patch one more person through and then, hey, if you’re sitting online and you’ve been trying to call, please call back some other time. Maybe we can talk for a full hour. And I want to thank everybody who’s called today and everybody has been sitting and hanging out and enjoying the calls. This hour has flown by. Let’s finish it off with one more call. Hello, caller. You’re our final caller here on our Valentine’s Day episode of Beautiful Anonymous. 

Caller 17 [01:02:47] Is this me? 

Chris [01:02:48] It’s you. 

Caller 17 [01:02:50] Oh, hi, Chris. I have never gotten through and I’ve been trying for how many how many years have you been on? 

Chris [01:02:56] Coming up on 7. 

Caller 17 [01:02:57] Has it been 5 now? 

Chris [01:02:57] Seven. 

Caller 17 [01:02:59] Yeah. Seven. Wow. Pretty good. Well, I don’t know if I should be the last caller because I actually had a really sad Valentine story. But I will say I am married, happily married for eight years now. Actually, we got married, I think the day before you did, August 31st, 2014, right? 

Chris [01:03:16] That’s the day after me. I got married August 30, 2014. 

Caller 17 [01:03:20] Oh, that’s right. Day after. Yes. I’ve always wanted to tell you that just so you know. 

Chris [01:03:26] That makes me feel a connection. That’s awesome. 

Caller 17 [01:03:27] Yeah. Well, okay. The reason I thought about calling today was I actually back in college got broken up with on Valentine’s Day. 

Chris [01:03:35] Ugh. This is a good call to end on. 

Caller 17 [01:03:40] Yeah, I don’t want to be a downer. If you want to hear the story, I can. 

Chris [01:03:45] Yes, I want to hear the sad story. Yes! We all want the sad stories. 

Caller 17 [01:03:50] Oh, my gosh. It was. Yeah, this college boyfriend. We were like on and off for a year and a half. Looking back, it was like extremely dysfunctional relationship. We just were not good for each other. So it was Valentine’s Day. We had like a nice dinner at his place. I did the classic, like I bought some new lingerie for Valentine’s Day and we did our thing. We hooked up. And afterwards he said, You know, I don’t love you anymore. 

Chris [01:04:20] After the dinner and the lingerie sex? He waited till after the sex for the breakup? Ooh, that’s awful. That’s awful. 

Caller 17 [01:04:29] Isn’t that so awful? Oh, my gosh. I like- like I said, it was pretty dysfunctional. So we had been, like, on and off for a little bit. But after that one I was like, Oh, I can’t come back from this. Like, how humiliating is this? Right? Like, oh my gosh. And so I called, so I just like, left like in shame. I think I threw that lingerie in the trash, which of course I spent like full price on and I was a broke college student. And yeah, I called my sister. She was working at a nice restaurant at the time, and so she sent me a Valentine’s Day dessert and I ate it and cried. And I didn’t like Valentine’s Day for a really long time because of that. 

Chris [01:05:13] And do you remember who brought you back to Valentine’s Day? 

Caller 17 [01:05:17] My husband did. 

Chris [01:05:18] He did! 

Caller 17 [01:05:18] My husband did. Yes, he did. I was not into it for a long time until we were dating and it was our first Valentine’s Day. And he’s like, well, we have to go to dinner. We have to I’m going to get your roses and do all this. And I was like, Why? Why are you going to do all those things? Like, that’s the worst time to go out and that’s the worst time to do this. He’s like, But I want to. And I was like, okay, well, if this is how you want to do it, then I will be in it. And it’s been a really great Valentine’s Day ever since. And now we’ve been happily married for eight years now with two little boys. 

Chris [01:05:53] What a note to end on. I think it gives everybody, the people who want to believe in Valentine’s Day can end with the hope. People who hate Valentine’s Day can just latch on to the lingerie story and be like, Fuck this holiday! And everybody gets something. And what a note to end on. Thank you for calling. Thanks, everybody, for calling. Thank you to everybody in the studio, especially Anita and Jared, for organizing this and all the staff at Sirius XM. Thanks to everyone who came out and sat awkwardly with me in a fishbowl, especially as we all made eye contact as a person explained using a bidet. Thanks for listening. This show’s produced by Anita Flores. It’s engineered by Jared O’Connell. Our theme song is by Shellshag. Go to ChrisGeth.com if you want to know more about me, including live tour dates. And hey, wherever you’re listening, subscribe, favorite, follow. That button exists. You know it helps us so much when you hit that button so think about doing so. You can find our merch at podswag.com. You can also find ad free episodes of Beautiful Anonymous at Stitcher Premium. Use the promo code “stories” for a one month free trial at stitcher.com/premium. And if you like this podcast, the number one way you can help us? Tell a friend about it. Word of mouth goes a long way. Thanks, everybody.