EP. 215 — Nicole Says ‘The X Games Ain’t Your Momma’s Olympics!’

Sasheer [00:00:03] Hi, friends. This is Sasheer. Do you ever say to yourself, “I love hearing Nicole and Sasheer talk to each other each week, but I’m dying for more content?” Well, you’re in luck. I’m coming out with a new stand-up special where I’ll be talking uninterrupted for an hour. This is the first special I’ve produced, and I’m so excited for you to see it. If you want to contribute, it’ll be available on the 800 Pound Gorilla website in a pay what you can model starting August 15th. And then it’ll be free on YouTube starting August 29th. Thanks again for supporting me, Nicole, and our show–but mostly me. Thank you so much.

Nicole [00:00:53] Hi, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:00:54] Hi, Nicole.

Nicole [00:00:56] What’s going on?

Sasheer [00:00:58] Well, what’s going on with you? What is this energy? What is this? Very presentational right now?

Nicole [00:01:05] Oh, I don’t know. I just… What have I been doing? I just had therapy. I canceled a personal training session today because I am sore.

Sasheer [00:01:19] From a different training session or something else?

Nicole [00:01:21] Well, I did pole on Sunday. And I got upside down, and I did a little leg holdy thingy. And then I just woke up today, and I was like, “Tired… I simply couldn’t lift a weight.”

Sasheer [00:01:40] I understand.

Nicole [00:01:42] So that’s the energy I’m bringing. I’m just a little tired.

Sasheer [00:01:44] Yeah. I’m in Mexico, and I went to the beach two days in a row. And my legs hurt. “And boy, do my legs hurt.” I don’t even know what muscle it is. It’s, like, the inner thigh, but, like, lower than the inner thigh and higher than the knee. Some muscle that I’ve never used before hurts really bad. And I can’t tell if it’s just from walking into the waves because I’m also trying to boogie board because that seems like an accessible water sport. But then I get pounded by the waves. And I’ve been trying to swim out farther. But then my little legs are kicking really hard and I’m not going anywhere.

Nicole [00:02:36] Is that, like, a toe or a current or something?

Sasheer [00:02:39] Probably. I have no idea. I’m new to water.

Nicole [00:02:43] Huh?

Sasheer [00:02:44] I’m new to water.

Nicole [00:02:47] I find swimming backwards–I get more because you can just, like, grab the water and push it forward and kick your little legs. That’s how I get back to shore if I get too far out and I’m like, “Uh oh. I’m not making any progress. Am I going to be lost at sea?” I just turn around. And then I’m right there at the shore, and I go, “Oh, I wasn’t lost at all.”

Sasheer [00:03:10] Yeah, I’ll try to turn around. It was hard. My friends are like, “The waves are better over here.” And I was like, “I got it.” And then I was like, “The water doesn’t want me to go farther. They want me to stay right in this one spot. So, I’ll now go to the shore and walk it and then get it in the water.”

Nicole [00:03:28] I mean, that’s a thing to do. You just swim back, walk over, and then swim out again. But I don’t know anything about boogie boarding.

Sasheer [00:03:40] It’s a sport. You know, I’ve seen kids do it. But I saw adults do it, and they stood on their boogie board. There’s some that you can stand on like a surfboard and, like, do, like, flips and spins and stuff like that. And so, I saw a YouTube video of someone, like, spinning in a wave. And I was like, “I’m gonna try that.” And I think I turned, like, 180 degrees, but then the wave came right into my face, all up in my nose, smacked me down, and it was like, “What are you doing? Why are you trying to go so all out? This is not X Games. This is the water.”

Nicole [00:04:17] Wait, is boogie boarding in the X Games?

Sasheer [00:04:26] I have no idea. Probably not. But maybe.

Nicole [00:04:29] Or is it Olympic?

Sasheer [00:04:30] I have a feeling it isn’t in the Olympics. I think it has a better chance of being in the X Games. And also, I think when you take it seriously, it’s called “bodyboarding.”

Nicole [00:04:42] Oh. They said, “Better get that boogie out of here. We bodyboardying.” Why am I saying this weird? “Bodyboardying”

Sasheer [00:04:53] “Boarding.”

Nicole [00:04:54] Boarding. Bodyboarding. There we go. Just adding letters where they don’t belong. That’s what I love to do. Wait, are the X Games just, like, the cool Olympics?

Sasheer [00:05:13] I think so. I feel like that’s how they were first marketed. Like, “All the extreme sports that your parents don’t want you to do. We got them all here.”

Nicole [00:05:23] Like skateboarding, right? Oh. “Motocross, snowboarding, surfing. skateboarding, freestyle, BMX!” That’s funny to me. “Freestyle skiing, BMX, rallying.”

Sasheer [00:05:41] What’s rallying?

Sasheer [00:05:43] I think it’s with the big cars, and you, like, drive through the rough dirt.

Nicole [00:05:49] That’s rallying? Oh, interesting. I mean, it doesn’t seem like there’s enough events.

Sasheer [00:06:06] There’s a good number.

Nicole [00:06:07] The Olympics has so many events. It’s, like, the 100-yard freestyle, the fucking breaststroke, the fucking other swimmings. They have a bunch of different swimmings.

Sasheer [00:06:19] They do have a bunch of different swimmings and runnings and jumpings. I don’t think the X Games is trying to be the Olympics, though. I think it’s its own thing.

Nicole [00:06:31] Are you sure it’s not your mama’s Olympics?

Sasheer [00:06:36] I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say, “This ain’t your mama’s Olympics.”

Nicole [00:06:39] “This ain’t your mama’s Olympics. We’re the X Games. We’re Cool.”

Sasheer [00:06:50] I mean, they should. They should be advertising that way, but I don’t know if they are.

Nicole [00:06:56] Huh. Missed opportunity. Okay, so if you were in the X Games, what would your event be?

Sasheer [00:07:02] Out of those ones that we listed? Oh, God. Um, maybe the rallying because I could be in a car, and I feel like I’m more protected. My body is more protected than it is on a bike or snowboarding or something.

Nicole [00:07:20] Wow. That’s not the X Games spirit.

Sasheer [00:07:22] Oh, you’re right. I should be thinking extreme. I should want to hurt my body.

Nicole [00:07:28] Yes. Hurt yourself? These games kill! I would do freestyle BMX biking because I don’t want to follow any rules. Imma freestyle and do whatever the fuck I want. Hop up here, slam down here, twist my little wheels, and have a nice time.

Sasheer [00:07:49] My freestyle is, like, go home. I ride my bike home.

Nicole [00:07:53] “My freestyle is I gotta get out of here.”

Sasheer [00:07:56] Like, “Damn, she doesn’t care about the rules. She went home! That is badass.”

Nicole [00:08:01] “Not your mama’s X Games. She went home! In the Olympics, you have to compete. But not here. You can just leave.”

Sasheer [00:08:10] There should be something that is, like, a competition that’s all the rejected Olympic sports–not even the X Games. Well, it’s actually hard because there are a lot of Olympic sports that I would not have guessed are Olympic sports, but actually are, like curling or ping-pong.

Nicole [00:08:32] Ping-pong is in the Olympics?

Sasheer [00:08:34] Isn’t table tennis in the Olympics. I feel like yes. I don’t know what season.

Nicole [00:08:39] Wow.

Sasheer [00:08:40] Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:41] Wow. I wonder if pickleball is in the Olympics, the fastest growing sport in America.

Sasheer [00:08:47] At this rate, it will be.

Nicole [00:08:50] Wait, Jordan says, “Do you know there’s a professional tag? It’s not X Games, but there are pro teams.” Wait, what?

Sasheer [00:08:57] Oh.

Jordan [00:08:58] Yeah. Like, the game tag.

Nicole [00:08:59] Oh, the game tag.

Sasheer [00:09:01] Oh, yes.

Jordan [00:09:03] It’s so cool looking. And the course is, like, so crazy. It’s almost like parkour meets tag. And so, people are, like, jumping over railings. You have to be in this, like, 20 by 20-foot space. And you, like, tag back and forth. And whoever doesn’t get tagged wins. So… And people get paid for that.

Sasheer [00:09:22] Yeah, I think I was in a bar that was playing it, and I saw that match… Game? I don’t know. And it’s really nice because they hug at the end. It looks like they’re ferociously chasing each other, like, bounding over things, like, jumping like animals. And then they tag each other, and then they give each other a big hug. And they part. I’m like, “Well, that’s nice.”

Nicole [00:09:45] That is nice–to be hunted and then hugged.

Sasheer [00:09:48] Right? “Hunted and then hugged.”

Nicole [00:09:49] Oh my God, they really are just going for it.

Sasheer [00:09:52] We gotta find the video. You need to see how, like… These are athletes. They’re using their whole body.

Jordan [00:10:01] Sasheer, you’re correct. At the end, they are very sweet and kind to each other.

Sasheer [00:10:05] It’s really nice. It’s really nice to see.

Nicole [00:10:09] How wild.

Sasheer [00:10:11] It’s the tag community for you.

Nicole [00:10:13] I’ve played tag maybe twice? I’m just not good at it. It’s tough to get away from people when you don’t want to run.

Sasheer [00:10:21] Yes, this is true.

Nicole [00:10:22] I wonder if Red Rover is some sort of Olympic sport. “Red Rover. Red Rover. Send a friend right over.”

Sasheer [00:10:30] “Send a friend right over.” Okay. Judith’s pulled up a video.

Nicole [00:10:33] But when that person’s, like, so close, you can’t turn around and tag them?

Sasheer [00:10:36] I think there’s only one tagger at a time. I think it’s like one person is It.

Nicole [00:10:41] Oh, okay. Oh my God. Akron, Ohio.

Jordan [00:10:52] I would have run into one of the bars.

Sasheer [00:10:59] Yeah, they’re running at full speed. And there’s, like, metal bars all over the place. I’m sure they’re padded out or something. But that is extreme.

Nicole [00:11:10] It seems very extreme. I also like in the promo–they’re like, “We’re in Akron, Ohio, home to LeBron James.” And it’s like, “Oh… But I came for the tag. I don’t care for the famous people who are from here.”

Sasheer [00:11:21] Why are you listing these basketball players? We’re watching tag.

Nicole [00:11:26] We’re watching tag not the NBA–not the National Basketball Association.

Sasheer [00:11:32] That’s different.

Nicole [00:11:32] It’s very, very different.

Sasheer [00:11:34] From the Tag Arts Administration.

Jordan [00:11:40] But, Nicole, I do have something to share with you about Red Rover. Apparently, there’s a rugby meets Red Rover in the country, India.

Sasheer [00:11:50] Ooh.

Nicole [00:11:52] Oh. And there’s a lot of spectators.

Sasheer [00:11:57] Yeah, there’s a full stadium.

Nicole [00:11:58] Wow. Red Rover’s so hard. I remember being like, “I’ll be good at this.” And then it was like, “Oh, these children’s hands are strong.”

Sasheer [00:12:06] Children have a good grip.

Nicole [00:12:10] They really do. You know when a baby, like, fucking wraps its finger or, like, wraps its hand around your finger and you’re like, “That’s enough of that.” And then they just don’t let go.

Sasheer [00:12:19] Yeah, they’re holding on for dear life.

Nicole [00:12:22] Or a baby tries to take your food? You have to say goodbye to that food.

Sasheer [00:12:25] Yeah, because they squish it too high hell.

Nicole [00:12:28] They really do. Oh boy. Babies, am I right?

Sasheer [00:12:33] I wonder what an extreme Duck Duck Goose game would look like.

Nicole [00:12:37] There’d be, like, a fire in the middle and spikes on the outside of the circle.

Sasheer [00:12:41] Everyone has a helmet on, and they have a spike on their helmet.

Nicole [00:12:47] And then those spikes–they retract and come up and down. I mean, I’m into it. I would play extreme Duck Duck Goose.

Sasheer [00:12:55] Did we talk about the show The Floor is Lava. Did you watch that show?

Nicole [00:13:02] I did not watch it, but I do remember it. It was a Netflix–?

Sasheer [00:13:05] It was a Netflix show. Yeah. Floor is Lava.

Nicole [00:13:09] And people just had to jump around and not fall on the floor?

Sasheer [00:13:12] Yes, but the floor actually was water or something or, like, something they could fall into. And then they have to, like, jump on desks and cabinets and things like that.

Nicole [00:13:28] Oh, and just, like, Tetris… No, that’s not a Tetris cube. What’s that called?

Sasheer [00:13:34] A Rubik’s Cube.

Nicole [00:13:35] A Rubik’s Cube. Oh, this is fun.

Sasheer [00:13:38] It was fun. Every room has a theme. It reminded me of, like… What was it? The Hidden Temple Show?

Nicole [00:13:50] Yeah, the one with the faces reminds me of the–

Jordan [00:13:51] Legend of the Hidden Temple.

Sasheer [00:13:53] Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:54] What’s it called?

Sasheer [00:13:56] That’s, like, my childhood. Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Nicole [00:13:59] Oh, I thought you said “Ligions.” And I was like, “I don’t know what a ligion is. Is that some sort of animal?”

Sasheer [00:14:05] I also thought you said, “Agenda.” And I was like, “I don’t think that’s right, but I’m going to go with it.”

Nicole [00:14:12] Agenda of the Hidden Temples.

Sasheer [00:14:13] “This hidden temple has an agenda.”

Nicole [00:14:16] “And you have to hop to and fro to figure out what its agenda is.”

Sasheer [00:14:19] That’s funny. Should we play a game?

Nicole [00:14:38] Let’s play a game!

Sasheer [00:14:39] Slash quiz?

Nicole [00:14:42] Oh, yeah. Okay. I thought you had a game that you wanted to play, and I was like, “Okay. Teach me the rules, and I’ll play.”

Sasheer [00:14:47] I wish. I wish I did.

Nicole [00:14:50] You don’t know any games?

Sasheer [00:14:52] I feel like I’ve tried to explain games on the show and then I do it wrong and I get embarrassed and it never pans out good for me.

Nicole [00:15:01] I get it. I was at a brunch yesterday, and there was a couple playing Uno. And I was like, “Oh my God, should I join them?” But then I was like, “Oh, maybe they’re not a couple. And he’s, like, trying to get at her. And I would just be cockblocking.” But I can’t stop thinking about it. I really wanted to go play Uno with those people. I haven’t played Uno in so long. I need to play Uno.

Sasheer [00:15:22] I also haven’t played Uno in so long.

Nicole [00:15:25] Uno is fun.

Sasheer [00:15:27] Uno is fun! Do you have a deck?

Nicole [00:15:29] Of course I have a deck.

Sasheer [00:15:30] Oh, okay.

Nicole [00:15:32] Of course. I just haven’t had the opportunity to pull it out and say, “We’re playing Uno!” Oh, okay. These quizzes. “What Kind of Clown Are You?” And I better get Cirque du Soleil clown.

Sasheer [00:15:48] Ooh. I did tell you that if you were to be in the Cirque du Soleil, you would most likely be a clown.

Nicole [00:15:57] Yeah, but if BuzzFeed tells me that, it’s not insulting.

Sasheer [00:16:04] I wasn’t trying to insult you!

Nicole [00:16:06] Sure, Jan. Okay. “What Kind of Clown Are You?”

Sasheer [00:16:13] “Pick your dream house.”

Nicole [00:16:15] Okay. There’s a little red house in the middle of nowhere. I think it’s probably, like, a studio house with maybe just, like, a bathroom and a kitchen and a room.

Sasheer [00:16:26] This is a… What do you call those houses? Country? Like, country-style house. It’s got a big wraparound porch. It’s blue. Shingles. White, like, fence posts and whatnot.

Nicole [00:16:44] Okay, this one’s spooky. This one’s a black and white house in the middle of, like, an eerie, foggy forest. And I also think it’s a studio house. Do we call one room houses “studio houses,” or just “studio apartments?”

Sasheer [00:17:06] That’s a really good question. Maybe a one-bedroom house is a bungalow? But also, I don’t really know what qualifies as a bungalow, so I don’t know.

Nicole [00:17:22] I don’t know either.

Sasheer [00:17:24] And this–we have a studio houseboat. Or maybe it has more rooms. I don’t know. It’s a boat. It’s a good-sized boat.

Nicole [00:17:34] It’s a yacht, I think.

Sasheer [00:17:37] Okay, so if you want to live on a yacht, there’s an option.

Nicole [00:17:39] Oh my God.

Sasheer [00:17:41] I don’t love any of these options, to be honest.

Nicole [00:17:44] Me either. I guess I’m gonna live on the yacht.

Sasheer [00:17:50] I will live in the country house with the porch.

Nicole [00:17:57] I think that’s a good option. The other two was, like, spooky, and then the other one was, like, in the middle of nowhere and small.

Sasheer [00:18:02] Really small.

Nicole [00:18:04] Too small. Not good.

Sasheer [00:18:07] “What will you eat for breakfast?”

Nicole [00:18:09] “Bananas.”

Sasheer [00:18:11] “My feelings.” Oh my God.

Nicole [00:18:15] That’s not nourishing. “Crepes.”

Sasheer [00:18:19] “Cereal.”

Nicole [00:18:20] I’m certainly not having a banana or multiple bananas. I’m not eating my feelings because I need to get them out–not in. I’m not having cereal like a basic fucking loser. No, I’m kidding. I’m going to do crepes.

Sasheer [00:18:36] That’s good. I like cereal. I’ve been eating a lot of cereal lately–but not even at breakfast time. Just, like, as a snack.

Nicole [00:18:44] Cereal as a snack?

Sasheer [00:18:46] Yeah. Cereal and milk. It’s a nice little, like, corner filler, when my, like, little corner is empty.

Nicole [00:18:53] What kind of cereal?

Sasheer [00:18:54] I prefer Honey Nut Cheerios.

Nicole [00:18:57] Okay. Honey Nut Cheerios, I think, are okay. I think Frosted Flakes–they lose their frosticity too quickly in the milk.

Sasheer [00:19:07] Sure.

Nicole [00:19:09] I like bad cereal. I love Cracklin’ Oats.

Sasheer [00:19:14] I don’t even think I know what that is.

Nicole [00:19:16] Nobody does. It’s like grandma cereal. Judith, do you mind looking up Cracklin’ Oats? Maybe it’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran. It’s in a blue box, and I get so excited when I see it. Yes, Cracklin’ Oat Bran! They’re oats!

Sasheer [00:19:32] Oh my God. This looks like what you eat when you need to poop.

Nicole [00:19:38] Yes. And I love them. I’m, like, obsessed with them. I’m so delighted to just see them on a screen.

Sasheer [00:19:46] Like, what do you like about it? The taste? The crunch?

Nicole [00:19:49] The taste, the texture, the crunch, that you can put your little tongue through the whole if you’re having fun. I just love Cracklin’ Oat Bran.

Sasheer [00:20:05] Yeah, I have never seen it. And it looks like I’d break my tooth on it, but–

Nicole [00:20:14] Well, you put the milk on. And they soak up the milk a little. And then they’re a little softer, but they are still pretty crunchy. But they’re so good. I really implore everybody listening to buy them. Judith, I think you should eat them. Jordan. I think you should get them, too. They’re so good. They have cinnamon?

Sasheer [00:20:43] Ooh. Have you just been eating the plain one?

Nicole [00:20:47] I’ve been eating the plain ones, but that’s enough for me. That’s enough flavor. It is a flavor explosion in your mouth. Honestly, they’re such a treat, and I can’t believe more people don’t eat them.

Sasheer [00:20:57] I mean, yeah, they do look like a healthy option.

Nicole [00:21:02] I don’t think they’re healthy. That’s the thing. I think it’s really misleading. I don’t think they’re healthy whatsoever. I think they’re full of sugar and carbs.

Sasheer [00:21:12] Oh, they look like… I don’t know… Bran?

Nicole [00:21:16] A half a cup is 300 calories, and then you’ve got to add your milk. And then half a cup? That’s not a full cereal. Half a cup is nothing. You need at least a cup to be fucking around with something.

Sasheer [00:21:29] “I’m trying to fuck around with the cup.”

Nicole [00:21:32] A cup is 600 calories. I don’t know if that’s healthy. I don’t know what meals are. I don’t know. But there’s no sodium.

Sasheer [00:21:40] Hey, there we go.

Nicole [00:21:43] And there’s protein. And there is a little fiber. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. I just know about calories, I guess. But I don’t even know about that. I don’t know. Someone’s going to write in and be like, “They are actually healthy, Nicole.” And I’ll be like, “Great.” Okay. “Where will you go on vacation?” I’m going to go to the Kellogg factory and watch them make Cracklin’ Oat Bran.

Sasheer [00:22:06] Okay, but that’s not an option here.

Nicole [00:22:10] “Bermuda.”

Sasheer [00:22:12] “France.”

Nicole [00:22:13] “California.”

Sasheer [00:22:14] “New Jersey.”

Nicole [00:22:15] Who’s going to New Jersey for vacation?

Sasheer [00:22:19] They have, like, a boardwalk beach situation.

Nicole [00:22:24] The shore is great, but I can’t imagine getting on a plane to go there and being like, “That’s the destination.” But maybe it’s just because I’m from there.

Sasheer [00:22:33] Yeah. It’s because you’re from there. I would go, I think, Bermuda.

Nicole [00:22:38] Ooh. I want to say Bermuda, too, but I really want to go to Aruba because they have a beach where you can sit with fucking flamingos and feed them. So, I’m going to say France.

Sasheer [00:22:54] “And, and for those reasons, I’m going to say France. “Pick a pet.”

Nicole [00:23:03] A wild looking monkey who seems haunted.

Sasheer [00:23:07] A robot dog.

Nicole [00:23:09] I feel like that’s good for you because you don’t really like animals up in your business.

Sasheer [00:23:13] You’re so right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:17] I think this is a crow.

Sasheer [00:23:20] Yeah. Hopefully a crow. Or a raven?

Nicole [00:23:23] It looks like a pigeon pretending to be a crow, actually. It looks like it’s in, like, a crow costume.

Sasheer [00:23:30] It does. Like, his real head is sticking out and is gray.

Nicole [00:23:34] Yeah, because his head is, like, gray.

Judith [00:23:37] I think it might be a vulture, actually.

Sasheer [00:23:39] How do they expect us to know what a vulture looks like? I only know it as a big bird of the sky. I don’t know what it’s like up close. And the last one is a stinky little pig.

Nicole [00:23:56] You better give me that little oinker. I love pigs. I also do love birds. I want to hold a bird so bad. It’s on my to-do list.

Sasheer [00:24:09] I actually sent you a bird earlier on Instagram. Someone made a comment in the comment section I screenshotted to tell you at a later date about bird ownership. And it was like, “Important things to know before wanting a bird. Please adopt. Bird rescues are overwhelmed with birds in need of homes. Birds can live 20 to 80 plus years depending on the breed.”

Nicole [00:24:44] 80?

Sasheer [00:24:45] “Exotic vet care is necessary and can be expensive. Consider getting pet avian insurance. Birds require constant attention and interaction. Leaving them alone for long periods is not sustainable. Keeping birds confined to cages without proper enrichment is like sentencing them to a dungeon. Birds are loud, and they all scream. They are not suitable for dorms or environments with noise restrictions. Birds can suffer neglect and are at risk from dogs and cats. Exotic vet bills can be costly. Avoid using candles, plugins, and harsh chemicals around birds. Use bird safe cookware.” Bird safe cookware? Why?

Nicole [00:25:26] What does that even mean?

Sasheer [00:25:27] I don’t know.

Nicole [00:25:28] I have to cook for the bird? I can’t shake something out of a bag?

Sasheer [00:25:33] Is that what they’re eating out of? I actually don’t know what that means. “Birds are sensitive to smoke and become sick or even die from exposure to smoke.” Oh, birds have cookware. “Nonstick cookware such as Teflon can be fatal to birds.”

Nicole [00:25:54] Wait, should we be eating off Teflon if it could kill a bird.

Sasheer [00:25:57] I don’t think we should. I feel like I’ve seen many things that are like, “Teflon is not good.”

Nicole [00:26:03] Here’s something I learned about nonstick cookware. You know how you cook in, like, one of those silver pans without the Teflon, you, like, cook in it, and you’re like, “Aw, shit. All my stuff is stuck to it”? You want to know why?

Sasheer [00:26:17] Why that?

Nicole [00:26:18] You have to preheat the pan. You can’t just be putting shit on it cold. You have to get it hot, and that’s how the pan works. No one fucking told me this. Instagram fucking told me this, Sasheer. And then I said, “That can’t be.” And I did it. Nothing was fucking stuck to the pan.

Sasheer [00:26:39] Damn.

Nicole [00:26:40] Not one goddamn thing. And I said, “Who did this? Who? Who was supposed to teach me and didn’t?”

Sasheer [00:26:48] Or why isn’t that just, like, in the instructions on the pan? I’ve never heard that before. That’s so helpful.

Nicole [00:26:55] Have you ever read a pan box or the pamphlet in there?

Sasheer [00:26:59] No, I took it right out, put it right on the stove, immediately started cooking something, and got it stuck on there.

Nicole [00:27:06] I’ve never read the instructions to a pan because I’m like, “I’m not a fucking idiot.” Turns out that was a lie. I am a fucking idiot. I didn’t know.

Sasheer [00:27:14] I didn’t know. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Nicole [00:27:18] Wow. It’s frustrating. The older I get, the more things I learn that, like, I’m like, “I should have just known this.”

Sasheer [00:27:25] I know. But also, people don’t tell us. We don’t share the information. They’re being gatekeepers.

Nicole [00:27:31] They sure don’t. Everyone’s a fucking gatekeeper. But you know who’s not? My little pig?

Sasheer [00:27:40] Oh, yes. You want the pig. I will take that robot dog because it’s true. I would really rather not have a living animal. I don’t want to clean up any hair. I don’t want to clean up any poop. I don’t want any, like, liquids or things coming out of orifices. And I want to take it to the vet. If anything, I just need to change batteries or recharge it, and that’s great.

Nicole [00:28:04] Yeah. Let me tell you, I took Sir Clyde out for a fucking walk today–took a shit right in the middle of the road in front of some construction workers. And when I went to go pull out a bag, your friend didn’t have no bags. So, I had to walk all the way back home and all the way back to where we were because I was like, “I simply can’t leave it there.” Some people leave dog shit, but I was like, “It’s in the middle of the road. It’s going to get on someone’s tires. Someone might step in it.” Also, I would just think about those construction workers being like, “That dumb, fucking pigtailed idiot left shit in the road.” So, I had to go back and get it. I was so annoyed.

Sasheer [00:28:44] I’m proud of you for doing that. There’s so many people who would not–who would just, like, leave their dog shit anywhere–and be like, “Oh, well. It’s fine.”

Nicole [00:28:53] Oh, I can’t. I think it’s so gross to just, like, leave excrement–anyone’s excrement anywhere. We all have to be picking up our shit or finding toilets.

Sasheer [00:29:04] That’s right. Either teach your dog to use the toilet or pick up its shit.

Nicole [00:29:09] God, if I could teach Clyde how to use a toilet, all of my problems would go away. I would find someone to love me. All of my dreams would come true. People would rally and check up on me and love me harder. And life would just be great if I could teach this little idiot how to shit in the toilet.

Sasheer [00:29:33] Some of those things seemed unrelated.

Nicole [00:29:36] No, no, no. I’d be able to flip flop anywhere. Anything I want to do on the pole I could do. I would get new cars. Everything would be coming up fucking Nicole if I could just teach this little idiot how to shit in a toilet. He doesn’t care. He’s not even paying attention to me.

Sasheer [00:30:00] He’s like, “I’m storing up a big one for later.”

Nicole [00:30:03] Ugh. Honestly, sometimes his shits are so big, I look at him, and I go, “Are you okay?” Like, he’s so tiny. He’s 13 lbs.

Sasheer [00:30:13] He does eat a lot though.

Nicole [00:30:15] He does. He loves food. “What do you do when you’re not clowning around?”

Sasheer [00:30:27] “Reading.”

Nicole [00:30:29] “Gaming.”

Sasheer [00:30:29] “I’m always clowning.”

Nicole [00:30:36] “Exercising.” These are the wildest things. Like, what?

Sasheer [00:30:42] I’m hardly ever reading, hardly ever exercising, never gaming, but I also don’t think I’d be clowning around all the time.

Nicole [00:30:53] Clowning around all the time seems exhausting. Reading is hard. It’s a skill that I don’t have very much anymore except late at night if I, like, need to read something. And exercising? You know–okay–I’m going to turn exercising into pole dancing, and I’m going to say exercising.

Sasheer [00:31:20] I’m gonna say… Gosh. I guess I’ll say exercising, too, because I guess of those options, I do that more than anything else.

Nicole [00:31:34] Oh, did I tell you about the pole class I took in Denver?

Sasheer [00:31:38] No.

Nicole [00:31:39] It was so fun. I was like, “Wow. Sasheer would have had a really good time had she just come to Denver like I asked her to.”

Sasheer [00:31:47] Stop asking me to just go to places you’re doing stand-up to hang out.

Nicole [00:31:51] So rude. I was like, “I can’t believe my friend doesn’t want to support me.”

Sasheer [00:31:57] Of course I’m supporting you. But I’m not going to fly to Denver to just, like, hang out in your hotel room.

Nicole [00:32:03] I couldn’t believe it. It was a themed hotel. Thank you. We were on the laughter floor. Thank you.

Sasheer [00:32:10] Wait, what was the theme?

Nicole [00:32:11] It was a loosely themed hotel. So, it had, like, Rodney Dangerfield quotes and then, like, a big picture of those glasses with the nose and the mustache. And then I went to another floor, and I can’t remember what the theme was, but I was like, “Oh, they say a theme and they mean it loosely. There’s just a couple pictures on the wall.”

Sasheer [00:32:31] That’s funny. But how was the pole class?

Nicole [00:32:38] Oh, it was so fun, and I really thought you would have enjoyed it. I had a nice time. We learned, like, two little moves. Christine nailed one. No, she nailed two. She got both of them. And then we got to do, like, a little free dance at the end. It was fun.

Sasheer [00:32:55] That sounds very fun. “What’s your favorite of these movies?”

Nicole [00:33:02] “The Little Mermaid.” And hold on. I have not seen the new Little Mermaid, but I was shown the Scuttlebutt rap, and it is scary. That crab is scary. They do slow zooms on a rapping crab, who’s moving his claws back and forth. And I was like, “I don’t think I could watch the rest of this movie. These animals are scary.”

Sasheer [00:33:34] It is always strange when they take an animated film and make it into, like, a CGI realistic version of itself because–yeah–they may look like real animals. But then they’re supposed to be talking and moving, and it feels very unnatural. I will say the Scuttlebutt song is so fun. I loved it.

Nicole [00:33:58] It is fun. But the slow zooms took me out of it. That was scary. The slow zooms on this crab with these itty-bitty little eyes. Haunting.

Sasheer [00:34:11] Oh, that’s very funny. Oh, “Dracula” is another movie.

Nicole [00:34:18] “Star Wars.”

Sasheer [00:34:19] Or “none.” No movie.

Nicole [00:34:22] That’s insane. The Little Mermaid, Dracula. Star Wars, or you don’t get a movie?

Sasheer [00:34:29] Those are the only options.

Nicole [00:34:31] Oh my God. Oh my God. Well, definitely not Star Wars. I don’t think I’ve seen Dracula, but I do love the original Little Mermaid so much. So, I’m going to say The Little Mermaid.

Sasheer [00:34:48] Yeah, I’m also going to say The Little Mermaid. That’s my favorite movie. I also love the new version of it. I have not seen Dracula I don’t think.

Nicole [00:34:58] I don’t think so either. I guess I should go see the new Little Mermaid. I don’t know what I’m waiting on. I do want to see that Barbie movie.

Sasheer [00:35:05] Can’t wait. I love all the promo around it.

Nicole [00:35:11] Oh my God. We went and saw Spider-Man, which was so good. I gasped at the end. I was stunned. But we walked in, and I was like, “I love all the Barbie promo!” And then there was a big Barbie box, and I stepped right in and started screaming. Oh, I had a nice time. “A building is burning to the ground. What do you do?”

Sasheer [00:35:37] “Run inside and save people.”

Nicole [00:35:41] “Watch from a distance.”

Sasheer [00:35:43] “Try to distract the fireman.”

Nicole [00:35:45] Oh my God. “Pop popcorn.”

Sasheer [00:35:49] “Pour a comically small amount of water on the fire.”

Nicole [00:35:54] “Absolutely nothing.”

Sasheer [00:35:55] “Livestream.”

Nicole [00:35:58] “Run around in circles.”

Sasheer [00:36:01] You know what? I forgot what this was about. And it’s about clowns. So now all these options make sense. But I was like, “What a heinous person to, like, try to distract the fireman or pour a comically small amount of water on the fire?” But that’s what a clown would do.

Nicole [00:36:20] That is what a clown would do.

Sasheer [00:36:25] Gosh. I would say “watch from a distance” because it’s the only one not actively ruining what’s happening. It’s not making things worse?

Nicole [00:36:37] Yeah. Okay. I’m not running inside to save people because that’s scary. Pop popcorn seems insane. Have I rolled out a microwave? “Try to distract the firemen?” “Absolutely nothing?” “Pour a comically small amount…” I guess run around in circles. That seems pretty Nicole. Like, “Ah! I don’t know what’s happening! Nooo!”

Jordan [00:37:02] Alright. This is Nicole’s.

Nicole [00:37:04] I can’t believe it. I’m a mime? “This is barely a clown the same way you are barely tolerable. You always have to be different, don’t you?”

Sasheer [00:37:16] Whoa. BuzzFeed. That was really aggressive. “You always have to be different, don’t you?” Oh my God.

Judith [00:37:29] This is Sasheer’s.

Sasheer [00:37:29] “You’re a fish clown.” Or isn’t that a clownfish? Sure. Whatever. “You live in an Anemone and have a symbiotic relationship.” Okay. “Kids love you, and so does the pet industry.” Okay.

Nicole [00:38:04] Wow. Cool. So, you’re loved by everybody. And I’m a mime.

Sasheer [00:38:11] “You’re a mime that’s barely a clown. And you just always have to be different.”

Nicole [00:38:17] Wow, you’re a fish clown. No one has ever said “fish clown.”

Sasheer [00:38:26] It’s a clown fish.

Nicole [00:38:26] BuzzFeed hates me. That was so mean.

Sasheer [00:38:30] That was really aggressive for no reason.

Nicole [00:38:33] I can’t believe it. Oh my God. Should we try to help people? I don’t know if I’m in the mind space.

Sasheer [00:38:53] The mime space?

Nicole [00:38:56] Oh, you made it worse.

Sasheer [00:39:03] Okay, we have an email.

Judith [00:39:04] Yes, this is an update from, I believe, the last episode. We talked to someone who was grieving a breakup and the good things that were happening in their best friends’ lives. And they wrote us back. So here it is.

Sasheer [00:39:21] Okay. “Hi, team Best Friends. You took my call on the latest pod. I was the bad friend grieving a breakup, feeling like my life was out of control, and feeling shitty for being not super present for my pregnant bestie. We’ve been friends for nearly 15 years. I hate that I’m grieving while she’s going through this amazing time. And it’s been so isolating. Thank you for hearing me out.”

Nicole [00:39:48] “I burst into tears listening to the beautiful words everyone shared. Everyone on the show is a gem. Truly the best people. Sending you all the best wishes for your own seasons of abundance. Hopefully you’re all in them–and if not, that they’re around the corner for you. Sending you all so much love, and love to the Besties community.”

Sasheer [00:40:08] “Thank you, Nicole and Sasheer, for letting us into your friendship, Jordan, Kimmie, and Judith. Thank you for the beautiful words, for supporting the show with your work, and for keeping the giggles going in the background.” Nice.

Nicole [00:40:19] That is nice. “Also, I didn’t know that about perimenopause. The work being done. Thank you all.” That’s nice.

Sasheer [00:40:29] That’s nice. Cool.

Nicole [00:40:32] Yeah. Now that we know we’ve helped people, let’s help more!

Catherine [00:40:42] Hey, Nicole and Sasheer. So, this is Catherine. I recently went out with a friend on Pride Weekend. Actually, I went out with a couple friends. But this particular friend–we’ve been friends for over 20 years now, and we went out with her fiancée. I personally am engaged as well. I’ve been with my partner for now eight years. And so, we went out to the gay clubs. You know, we had a good time. Both of us are both queer. But her fiancé, Ray, who’s an older male, had an issue with how affectionate we were. And I can only recall me, like, slapping her thighs to wake her up because we were at a new spot or, you know, we kissed goodbye a couple of times on the mouth. But it wasn’t really a lingering kiss. So, I’m not really sure what he’s upset about. But then he messaged me, like, two days later and said that he was breaking up with my friend because he sees the connection that we have and that we should be happy together and “I hope you have a good life together” and he’s upset that he didn’t see it sooner. And it was just a really weird text that caught me off guard. So, I didn’t respond to it. I then texted my friend about it, and she said everything was cool. You know, whatever. And then he texted me again, and then he was like, “Oh, it is what it is. I’m still breaking up with her.” And then the next day I responded, and I was like, “Do what’s best for you, man.” It’s never been like that between us. But hey, whatever you’re feeling–feel how you feel. You’re entitled to that. Well, a couple of days later, I actually called and talked to my best friend, and she ended up three-way calling him with me. And he just said it was just really disrespectful how we treated each other in front of him. And I don’t know. Is he overreacting? Are we underreacting? I feel like we just have a difference of opinions in how love between friends and partners goes. So, if you could help me on this, that would be great. I love your show. I love all your shows, Nicole. I love Home Economics, Sasheer. Yeah. Thanks. Bye.

Nicole [00:43:33] I feel like this person’s overreacting.

Sasheer [00:43:41] I agree. Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:44] I feel like it’s a little wild to be, like… And this person who called in is partnered, right?

Sasheer [00:43:52] Yes. And also, everyone’s partner was there.

Nicole [00:43:56] Yeah. I don’t know. I feel like maybe this person doesn’t get enough love outside of romantic relationships. Like, I’ve kissed friends on the lips.

Sasheer [00:44:06] What?

Nicole [00:44:07] Huh?

Sasheer [00:44:07] You…? I’ve never gotten a kiss on the lips.

Nicole [00:44:18] You’ve never gotten a kiss on the lips?

Sasheer [00:44:20] From you.

Nicole [00:44:22] Surely, I’ve given you a kiss on the lips.

Sasheer [00:44:25] Probably on stage.

Nicole [00:44:27] Yeah!

Sasheer [00:44:28] All right.

Nicole [00:44:31] That counts!

Sasheer [00:44:32] I guess so.

Nicole [00:44:35] It’s just, like, not a social… Actually, it is social. There’s people there. And if anything, it’s more than just a kiss at a bar because people are watching.

Sasheer [00:44:46] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Cool.

Nicole [00:44:55] Yeah, I think this person is really overreacting, and I’m not sure how to approach it other than what they’ve done, where they were like, “It wasn’t no thing. Do what’s best for you, but there was nothing between us.” Also, this person–it might not even be about the kiss. This person might be using that kiss as a scapegoat to be like, “That’s why I’m breaking up with them.”

Sasheer [00:45:15] Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah, because they sounded very final and, like, sure of themselves because it wasn’t, like, a question. It wasn’t like, “Hey, is there something going on between you two?” or like, “I’m just a little worried.” It was straight up like, “I’m breaking up. I hope you two are happy.” It sounds like a seven-year-old. It sounds like a little child being like, “I hope you have a great life together. I can now see I was blind before.” What? Grow up. I also really don’t like that the best friend put the person who called in on a three-way call with their partner. Really the person who called in isn’t involved. They actually don’t need to be involved in any of the conversations at all and probably have been involved with too many. Even if he actually did want to break up because he thinks that his partner and this person who called in have a thing going on… You still don’t need to reach out to the other person. That’s a conversation between you and your partner, and that’s it.

Nicole [00:46:23] I agree. Yeah. I’m not getting good vibes from this person. I don’t think you should cut them out of your life, but I think maybe boundaries can be had with them. And I don’t know what those boundaries are. I just really… I don’t know. In my old age, I cannot imagine saying to someone, “Be happy together. I’m breaking up with you.” I’m like, “Oh, okay.”

Sasheer [00:46:47] Yeah. I think if either the guy or your best friend comes to you with this again… What Nicole said. Put up a boundary of, like, “This doesn’t involve me. I don’t actually need to explain myself at all because I did and also, there’s no further information I can provide to help you with whatever you’re thinking. It’s not on me.” That’s a weird situation to be in.

Nicole [00:47:21] I’m sorry that you had to go through that.

Sasheer [00:47:29] It’s uncomfortable, but also, it’s really not anything to do with you. It’s really your friend’s fiancé’s deal, and I hope he figures it out.

Nicole [00:47:39] Me too because good lord.

Sasheer [00:47:43] Okay. Let’s do another.

Caller #2 [00:47:48] Hey, Nicole and Sasheer. I just wanted to ask your advice on something. So, basically, I live with two other roommates. One of my roommates goes home to Arizona every summer for an internship with her family. Blah, blah, blah. And that roommate that leaves every summer–their, like, love language for their friends is very motherly, open-door policy, open fridge policy. And me and my other roommate are not quite the same on that just because we don’t make as much money or have as much money as the other roommate. So, everything we buy and stuff, like, we intend to eat. That’s our food. We can’t really afford to share like that. And so basically, they had a friend come over a little while ago with only two days’ notice on our half, which kind of sucked for us. And then the friend expected us to feed them and made a mess and left a mess in our house, which wasn’t the best. And then they left, and we were very relieved. But they have recently reached out again to ask if they can come for another weekend. And I don’t know if we could do another weekend like that. I could really use the help on how we can politely decline that ask to come over again because to be honest, I can’t handle taking care of another human, especially one that can afford to take care of themselves. So, any advice on this would be wonderful. Thank you so much. You guys are all wonderful beings–Nicole, Sasheer, the whole crew… Okay. Bye.

Sasheer [00:49:15] I had a friend who was a bad houseguest who asked to be a houseguest again, and I ignored it. I just ignored the request. But also, I probably helped because they asked a general question to a group chain, so I wasn’t the only one being asked. But I just pretended like I didn’t see it. But I guess you could… Oh, God. How do you decline?

Nicole [00:49:46] I think maybe it’s like, “Hey. It felt chaotic having a new energy in the house. And right now, I don’t think I can handle that again. Maybe at a later date that would work. But for now, I think just me and the other person is all I can handle right now.”

Sasheer [00:50:09] I like that. Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:17] Or if you really are like, “I don’t want to, like, put a bad taste in my roommate’s mouth who’s gone…” Uh oh, I have to sneeze.

Sasheer [00:50:29] Bless you.

Nicole [00:50:29] Thank you. You can say that the friend who’s coming… You can make some ground rules. “If, like, we clean up after ourselves, you have to bring food. You’re not a guest. This is a place for you to stay, like an Airbnb, where you have to bring the food clean and check out.”

Sasheer [00:50:54] I like that. And maybe if it’s awkward to have that conversation with the guest who’s coming, maybe it’s a conversation you can have with the friend whose room it is, so that they can relay that information to whoever is staying in their spot because your roommate should feel responsible for any person they put in their room when they’re not there. So, I think maybe if you communicate to your roommate, “Hey, we need everyone who comes in this place to, like, make sure they treat it as if it is their place or, like, treat it as if it’s your place and not like a hotel and just, like, you know, do basic things, like clean up after themself, etc. And hopefully, they can handle that. And then if you feel any pushback or she’s like, “Oh, it’s fine,” then you can be like, “Okay, then actually, we don’t want any guests. We actually can’t have any guests in your room while you’re gone. Sorry.”

Nicole [00:51:55] Yeah. And I think there’s something to being like, “The three of us–our dynamic works. The energy just is, like, not there for me. And it’s kind of tough to live like that. I know it’s two days, but I just would love peace in my house.”

Sasheer [00:52:13] I like that. That’s a smart tactic, too–to make it more positive. Like, “I love our dynamic when the three of us are here. But since you’re not here–and then there’s someone else that comes in that isn’t you–it’s hard.”

Nicole [00:52:27] “It makes me yearn for you. Actually, I’m in love with you.”

Sasheer [00:52:31] “I just miss you so much.”

Nicole [00:52:34] “Let me kiss you.”

Sasheer [00:52:36] “Can I go to Arizona with you?”

Nicole [00:52:39] “Can I meet your family? Can I move in with you in a different way?”

Sasheer [00:52:43] Moves out completely.

Nicole [00:52:45] She’s like, “Goodbye.” Solved!

Sasheer [00:52:51] Solved. Okay, great. If you have any questions or queries or updates for us, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com or call or text 424-64507003.

Nicole [00:53:04] We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

Sasheer [00:53:10] Oh! We have transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

Nicole [00:53:15] Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support this show.

Sasheer [00:53:27] That was a little secret at the end.

Nicole [00:53:28] I have a little secret for ya.

Sasheer [00:53:31] Okay. Bye, Nicole.

Nicole [00:53:32] Bye, Sasheer.