EP. 232 — Re-Release: Sasheer Doesn’t Have A Favorite Color! – LIVE

 

NICOLE: Hi, friends. It’s Nicole.

 

SASHEER: And Sasheer here. We hope you’re enjoying your holiday season.

 

NICOLE: This week we’re taking some time off. So, we’re sharing one of our favorite episodes where we recorded live from the Netflix Is A Joke Festival last year.

 

SASHEER: It was so much fun. We discussed the size of pyramids, how I met Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, and if Nicole got power hungry on the set of Nailed It!

 

NICOLE: We hope you enjoy it.

 

SASHEER: A couch.

 

NICOLE: Yes, I know how luxurious!

 

SASHEER: Really stretch out.

 

NICOLE: That’s nice.

 

SASHEER: Nice. This is cushy.

 

NICOLE: I will say this cushion’s a little thin.

 

SASHEER: I do feel the wood underneath.

 

NICOLE: It feels very woody. Thank you, guys, for coming out!

 

SASHEER: Thank you for coming!

 

NICOLE: Did you guys see that fire truck outside?

 

SASHEER: There was two.

 

NICOLE: There was? Oh, that’s why there are so many firemen.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I was just like, “They were all on that one truck?” And it turns out no.

 

SASHEER: No, it was two, and the ladder was extended.

 

NICOLE: I saw that, and I walked under it.

 

SASHEER: Is that bad luck?

 

NICOLE: Oh, fuck.

 

SASHEER: Walking under a ladder. It’s bad luck.

 

NICOLE: I thought that was just, like, in your house.

 

SASHEER: I guess I never heard specifically where the ladder had to be. I just thought it was any ladder you walk under is bad luck.

 

NICOLE: Kimmie? Can you…? Thank you. I don’t want bad luck.

 

SASHEER: I don’t want you to have bad luck. You know what? It wasn’t in your house, so it’s fine.

 

NICOLE: Thank you.

 

SASHEER: It was one of those outdoor ladders, so no rules.

 

NICOLE: I don’t know. Why is it bad luck to step under a ladder anyway?

 

SASHEER: But why is it bad luck to, like, step on a crack?

 

NICOLE: Because you’ll break your mama’s back.

 

SASHEER: Right. But that’s one of those things that they say, I think. There actually might be a story behind it.

 

NICOLE: But that one rhymes.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. I guess I’ve never heard a rhyme for the ladder. “Step under a ladder, it gets badder.” “You’ll burst your bladder.”

 

NICOLE: Oh, my God, this is huge! “Walking under a ladder is considered as bad luck. This superstition is 5,000 years old. It started in Egypt.” Oh, no.

 

SASHEER: “When a ladder is leaning on a wall, it creates a triangle or a pyramid shape, which is a sacred sign in Egypt. So, Egyptians considered walking under the pyramid as bad luck.” Whoa.

 

NICOLE: Fuck! Am I, like, cursed now? ‘Cause that was the size of a real pyramid, I think. I don’t know.

 

SASHEER: I think pyramids were a little bit bigger.

 

NICOLE: You think? Have you been?

 

SASHEER: I haven’t been, but I’m guessing.

 

NICOLE: Has anyone been to a pyramid?

 

SASHEER: A couple of hands.

 

NICOLE: Okay. You’re close. How big are they? They’re bigger than this?

 

SASHEER: Okay. Great. Thank you.

 

NICOLE: That’s all I wanted to know; they’re bigger than this theater.

 

SASHEER: Do you need to explain what this is?

 

NICOLE: Oh, this is a live… What is it?

 

SASHEER: This is a live recording of our podcast!

 

NICOLE: Yes, from sunny downtown LA.

 

SASHEER: From what? From sunny downtown LA?

 

NICOLE: Yes. From beautiful downtown LA, at the Regent Theater.

 

SASHEER: Yes! This is for the Netflix Is A Joke Festival.

 

NICOLE: Yes. Yes, yes yes.

 

SASHEER: Which is why we have a couch and a huge screen.

 

NICOLE: The screen is too big.

 

SASHEER: No, it’s good.

 

NICOLE: You think it’s good?

 

SASHEER: I mean, I can see more of it.

 

NICOLE: Oh, I can see a lot of it. Oh, we’re there. Oh, that’s nice.

 

SASHEER: That’s nice.

 

NICOLE: I don’t know, I feel like I’m in the TV or in the computer and I don’t like that.

 

SASHEER: Sometimes you are in the TV or computer.

 

NICOLE: I know. That’s why it’s so ironic. I don’t know. And then this couch? I don’t know. Is this, like, a Netflix branded couch?

 

SASHEER: It matches all the red.

 

NICOLE: It does match all the red. I got to go on a Netflix jet once.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, so did I.

 

NICOLE: Oh, yeah. You were with me.

 

SASHEER: Sitting right next to you. Yes.

 

NICOLE: I truly was like, “When and why couldn’t you tell me?” Today when I woke up, I opened Instagram. Sasheer was in a picture with Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda and Kelly Clarkson. And I went, “Oh, my God. Does Sasheer know she has a picture with these people? Wait, are these her new friends, and she didn’t tell me? What the fuck?” And then I was like, “Oh, she posted it.” So, then I called her. And I was like, “I went through so many emotions!” Boy, oh boy. Whenever I think you’re creeping behind me, you’re not.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I wasn’t gathering new friends. In fact, all I did was talk about you.

 

NICOLE: Okay. That brings me joy. Thank you. What did you say?

 

SASHEER: So, I did the Kelly Clarkson Show. It came out today. That was my first time. And Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda were on, talking about Grace and Frankie. And they were talking about their friendship that has spanned over decades and their whole career. And it was really nice and cool to listen to. And then I got there, and we kept talking about friendship. And Kelly was like, “Do you have any friends in the biz?” And I was like, “My best friend, Nicole!” And I was talking about how we met through comedy and how we just really enjoy working together and writing together. I looked at Jane and Lily, and I was like, “I hope that we have an everlasting relationship–working and friendship–as long as you guys do.”

 

NICOLE: That’s so nice. Why wasn’t I invited to the taping?

 

SASHEER: You were actually invited to the next taping I was on because of that. Because I was talking about you and hot dogs–we also talked about hot dogs–they were like, “We got to have you back.” So, they built a whole other episode based on my interview. And so, then they brought you on as another set of best friends–Kelly and her best friend–and then we all made hot dogs together.

 

NICOLE: I do remember that. That hasn’t aired yet, right?

 

SASHEER: No. Not yet.

 

NICOLE: It was wild. Kelly was like, “Sasheer likes hot dogs!” And I was like, “So now we’re all going to make hot dogs for Sasheer?”

 

SASHEER: I mean, I did enjoy it.

 

NICOLE: You were the happiest one on stage. And then backstage, someone tried to take your hot dog, and you got really upset.

 

SASHEER: I just didn’t know what they were going to do with it.

 

NICOLE: Hold it! They said that they would hold it. And you looked at that person like they were going to murder your mother. You were so mad at the thought of giving up your dog.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I also asked for mine to be bacon wrapped in advance.

 

NICOLE: It was so wild. You’re the only one with a bacon wrapped hot dog.

 

SASHEER: They said, “What do you want on it?” I was like, “Can you wrap it in bacon?” And they’re like, “Yeah, we can.” I was like, “Well, that’s what I want.”

 

NICOLE: I was just like, “Give me a hot dog, and I’ll slam it.”

 

SASHEER: I will say–we’ve talked about this on the podcast before–I have now in my age been getting migraines. And I looked up, like, what to avoid to avoid migraines, and hot dogs was on the top of the list.

 

NICOLE: It’s sad.

 

SASHEER: And I will say, since I have decreased my hot dog intake, I have not had any migraines.

 

NICOLE: Okay, here’s the thing. I’m going to stop you right there. It is not on you to eat less hot dogs. It is on science to catch up.

 

SASHEER: Thank you. Thank you so much.

 

NICOLE: Science needs to fucking figure out how my friend could continue to eat hot dogs.

 

SASHEER: Yeah! They figured out how to take gluten out of stuff. Take whatever the migraine thing is out of it.

 

NICOLE: Yes! Take the headaches out of the hot dog! Let’s write a letter to Bill gates. He’s fixing shit. Right?

 

SASHEER: I don’t know.

 

NICOLE: I don’t know either. Isn’t he?

 

SASHEER: He must be.

 

NICOLE: He has so much money.

 

SASHEER: So much money.

 

NICOLE: And he’s not buying Twitter or nothing, so he’s using it for something good?

 

SASHEER: I would hope so.

 

NICOLE: I don’t know. Imagine having that much money. Sasheer, imagine you have that much money. What would you do? Tomorrow you wake up, and you’re, like, Bill Gates fucking rich. What would you do?

 

SASHEER: I would… Maybe… Oh, it’s so hard because there’s, like, so many things to, like, take care of. Like, in the world.

 

NICOLE: Oh. Yeah.

 

SASHEER: And I guess for myself too. I don’t know. Like, do I want to help some of my family? Do I want to help my community? Do I want to help–I don’t know–science?

 

NICOLE: I can’t believe that’s where your mind went.

 

SASHEER: Wait, where was your mind going?

 

NICOLE: I was like, “I’m gonna hire six muscly men to just be in my home.”

 

SASHEER: Are they doing anything in your home or just in your home?

 

NICOLE: We’ll have that conversation later.

 

SASHEER: First, she’s got to get them there.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I just got to get them there, and then they’ll clean up for me and stuff. That’s my first, like, order of business. Second order of business–I’m going to get all the cars that I want.

 

SASHEER: You do want so many cars.

 

NICOLE: And then third order business–I guess then I’ll be like, “Hey, world, what’s up?”

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: And the hunger.

 

SASHEER: And the hunger. Isn’t that what Elon Musk…? He asked the UN, “What do I need to do? How much would it cost to end world hunger or something?” And then he’s like, “You know what? I’m gonna buy Twitter instead.”

 

NICOLE: What a funny prank, though–to be like, “I’m gonna end world hunger,” and everyone gets really excited. And he was like, “Just kidding!”

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I’m gonna buy something fully not tangible.

 

SASHEER: “I’m gonna buy something that actually empties people–actually takes away from you.”

 

NICOLE: I like Twitter. That’s how I get my news. Sometimes it’s correct.

 

SASHEER: It’s a roll of the dice. Sometimes it’s correct. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: And sometimes I’ll say something to somebody, and they’re like, “No, Nicole.” And I’m like, “Oh, okay.”

 

SASHEER: “You got me.”

 

NICOLE: “Thank you so much. Sorry about it.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: It’s hard. It’s hard to stay abreast.

 

SASHEER: Well, we also have the News app on your phone.

 

NICOLE: Oh, really?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. It just says, “News.”

 

NICOLE: I don’t think I’ve ever opened that.

 

SASHEER: Oh, there’s the news there.

 

NICOLE: Interesting. Here’s something I learned recently. I don’t have to use a period tracker that I pay for. My phone will track it for me for free.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: So why are there apps that you have to pay for if your phone does it for free?

 

SASHEER: Because they do other stuff? I was using the phone tracker that was already there, which was fine. But now I’m paying for one, and it just predicts it a little better. And there’s more categories–like how you feel, do you have acne, are you bloated, what did you eat, are you horny–all these different specifications.

 

NICOLE: And you go, “I’m horny”? You tell your phone you’re horny?

 

SASHEER: I tell this app that I’m horny. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I’m sure my phone is like, “We get it.”

 

SASHEER: “Monday: horny. Tuesday: horny…”

 

NICOLE: “You’re horny every fucking day.” I am horny every fucking day. And last night I was on pornhub.com. Have you heard of it?

 

SASHEER: No. I’m a good Christian girl.

 

NICOLE: Well, that’s where all the porn lies. And I found this, like, really hot couple.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: And then I just, like, fell into a hole. I was just, like, watching them have sex all night.

 

SASHEER: Oh, they have, like, multiple videos?

 

NICOLE: Oh, he has so many. And he has ex-girlfriend videos. So, I got to see the evolution of how he fucks and his relationship.

 

SASHEER: So, he’s the main character?

 

NICOLE: He is the main character, which is disappointing. But you can see that there’s a lot more love happening currently.

 

SASHEER: Oh, that’s nice! I like that!

 

NICOLE: Yeah, it is really nice. Like, the older videos, you’re just like, “You’re just fucking. There’s no love behind the thrusting.” And then later videos, you’re like, “Wow, they’re really in sync.”

 

SASHEER: That’s sweet. Did the production quality improve over time?

 

NICOLE: Sure didn’t. Got worse. The last video I watched, they had set an iPhone up, I think, on a pillow. And, like, mid-thrust it fell over on the covers. And then they popped it back up. And then they both looked in the camera and then looked into each other’s eyes and then they started again.

 

SASHEER: Oh, I don’t want anyone to look at the camera. Oh, my God.

 

NICOLE: I think they were trying to make sure that, like, I wasn’t mad.

 

SASHEER: “Are you okay? Sorry. Please keep watching.”

 

NICOLE: I think they were checking in with me.

 

SASHEER: It’s, like, porn Office-style. Like a Mike Schur show. They occasionally look at the camera like, “Get a load of this.”

 

NICOLE: I would watch it because, as you know, I started watching The Office

 

SASHEER: Yeah, you love The Office.

 

NICOLE: You guys, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but The Office is great. And I think Steve Carell–there’s something about him.

 

SASHEER: He’s got a bright future ahead of him.

 

NICOLE: He really does. Are there any Office heads here? But, like, what season did you fall off?

 

SASHEER: “Season eight?”

 

NICOLE: “Two?” Who said, “Two”? What the fuck?

 

SASHEER: They weren’t into it!

 

NICOLE: Okay. Why? Why two?

 

SASHEER: It didn’t stick.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Fair. Fair. Okay. I think watch the last two episodes of Season Two. It’s already kind of set up. And then Season Three is really fun. And I really like Season Four. And Season Five–oh, boy. And then I stopped at Season Six because I feel like it lost a little bit of what I liked about it.

 

SASHEER: Which was?

 

NICOLE: I can’t articulate it.

 

SASHEER: Okay. How many seasons are there?

 

NICOLE: There’s nine? Wow. They all got paid.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: That’s a lot of fucking seasons.

 

SASHEER: One can only hope.

 

NICOLE: I would do nine seasons of a television series. Who do we talk to? I mean, we’re doing Netflix Is A Joke, so… Is he here? Mr. Netflix?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. One day.

 

NICOLE: One day. Someone said Nailed It! I heard you.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. There’s been a bunch of seasons of Nailed It! already.

 

NICOLE: I think seven.

 

SASHEER: You’re pretty close to nine.

 

NICOLE: Oh, my God! I hope we make it to nine. It’s a fun show to do. I really like it.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Y’all watch it?

 

SASHEER: I did an episode. Finally.

 

NICOLE: I know. Well, they had asked you, and then you were unavailable. Wow.

 

SASHEER: Sorry. Just busy.

 

NICOLE: She’s too busy. And then you were available. It was delightful. It was so funny. At one point, Jacques was like, “I’m just going to be quiet. The two of you have such a rapport.” And I did, like, feel bad, but I was just like, “Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! My friend is here!” It was like Bring Your Mom to School. Is that a thing? No. Bring Your Mom to Work? No.

 

SASHEER: You bring your kid to work.

 

NICOLE: I just wanna bring my mom somewhere. I felt like it was, like, Bring Your Kid to Work.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Not that I’m your mom. Maybe I want to be a mom. I don’t know, but I was like, “This is my friend! Say hello to her!

 

SASHEER: I mean, I did feel like your kid because I was like, “What else is going on?” You’re, like, showing me around–introducing me to people. And you were just, like, the queen of the castle.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, it’s my castle. Everyone’s so nice to me. I demand things, and they bring it. I once asked Wes for a lasagna once, and that was not delivered.

 

SASHEER: Damn. I’m sorry.

 

NICOLE: I also asked for a cake from the Madonna Inn, which is in San Oopsie Loopsie, which is three hours away. And I argued with Wes and the producers for, like, 15 minutes. I was like, “Just have a TaskRabbit drive an hour and a half, have a PA drive an hour and a half, meet in the middle, and bring me my fucking cake!” And they were like, “We’re making a television show, Nicole.” I don’t know. I really wanted that cake.

 

SASHEER: You’re drunk with power.

 

NICOLE: Do you think?

 

SASHEER: It’s a funny thing to request but ridiculous to expect.

 

NICOLE: Really? But I want the cake.

 

SASHEER: But it’s not adding to the actual show in any way.

 

NICOLE: Yes, it is. I go, three hours later, “Here’s my cake!” And then everyone gets to watch me eat it. I guess it is drunk with power. But the thing is, like, I came up with, like, a good way to get it.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: And I feel like that was negated. Like, that wasn’t honored.

 

SASHEER: It was good for you. But there’s a whole team of people trying to produce a television show, and they don’t have time to figure out how to get you a cake from three hours away, especially when they’re feeding you cake all day.

 

NICOLE: It’s not good cake.

 

SASHEER: No. Compared to the Madonna Inn cake, it’s not the same.

 

NICOLE: Have you guys had Madonna Inn cake? Oh, my God. It’s so fucking good. It’s the pink champagne cake. Oh, my God. I could come right now. I think it’s so delicious. And I don’t want to drive the three hours to get it.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I thought it was…

 

NICOLE: I swear to God. If you say it’s not delicious–I don’t know–I’ll hurt you. I would never hurt you. Well, you didn’t get the pink champagne cake.

 

SASHEER: I tried it. I thought it was fine. I didn’t think it was three-hour journey good.

 

NICOLE: Okay. So, what do you think is three-hour journey good?

 

SASHEER: Hmm. I don’t know if I would travel that far for food. There’s food around me.

 

NICOLE: I once waited three hours for fried chicken, and it was the most delicious fried chicken I’ve ever had. I love the journey of getting food. I don’t want it if it’s easy. Don’t just put it on a plate for me. Let me hunt for it!

 

SASHEER: Okay. All right. Yeah, I guess I can’t really think when I’m hungry, so I just need it to be done.

 

NICOLE: There’s, like, nothing food wise that you would murder someone for or, like, push someone out of the way?

 

SASHEER: I mean, I just know that I can find an option closer, or, like, I don’t have to kill for it. I waited in line for two hours for a pizza, and again…

 

NICOLE: Okay.

 

SASHEER: It was okay.

 

NICOLE: All right. It’s the end of times. It’s a zombie fucking apocalypse. A zombie is coming at you with a hot dog. There’s no more hot dogs left here. This is the last hot dog on fucking earth. Would you murder the zombie for the hot dog?

 

SASHEER: I think I would murder the zombie to get the zombie out of the picture. I think I just don’t want the zombie to be here.

 

NICOLE: Okay. That was a bad one. Okay. It’s the end of times.

 

SASHEER: Okay. We’re back at the end of times.

 

NICOLE: Everything is bad and, like, dusty. And everyone’s dead and shit. And it’s me, you, and a couple of our babes. And we get, like, a phone call. We’re like, “Oh, my God, our phones work again.” And it’s this mysterious voice. It’s like, “Okay, you have to travel for 16 hours to get the last hot dog. Do you want it?” Are we going to go on a road trip or not?

 

SASHEER: Do we have food?

 

NICOLE: No.

 

SASHEER: Well, then, yeah! We have to go get it! Of course, we have to get it.

 

NICOLE: So, what you’re saying is you would travel 16 hours for a hot dog. Thank you. I rest my case, your honor.

 

SASHEER: But with those parameters.

 

NICOLE: All right…

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I would travel 16 hours for a hot dog.

 

NICOLE: Thank you.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Should we take a quiz? Is it that time?

 

NICOLE: Is it that time to take a quiz?

 

KIMMIE: I mean, it can be that time. Would you like to take a quiz?

 

NICOLE: I think you would like to take a quiz.

 

SASHEER: I’d like to take a quiz.

 

NICOLE: Let’s quiz it up.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

KIMMIE: I have one especially for you, Nicole.

 

NICOLE: Oh, my word.

 

SASHEER: “What Bird Would You Be in Another Life?” Absolutely.

 

NICOLE: If I don’t get duck, I’ll die. I would like that one, please. Thank you. I really will die if I don’t get a duck.

 

SASHEER: Quizyourfriends.com. I’ve never heard of this one! It’s great!

 

NICOLE: Maybe they’re trying to defund BuzzFeed. Okay. “Who do you travel with?”

 

SASHEER: “Myself.”

 

NICOLE: “A pair.”

 

SASHEER: “A small group.”

 

NICOLE: “A flock.”

 

SASHEER: “(LOADS).”

 

NICOLE: “I don’t.” A pair. I usually travel with you.

 

SASHEER: Agreed. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: But I’m thinking I should say… No, a pair. Yes. That’s true.

 

SASHEER: What were you gonna say?

 

NICOLE: I don’t know, I was gonna say flock because that’s bird language. But it’s going to say I’m going to be a bird regardless.

 

SASHEER: You have to. That’s the conceit of the whole quiz.

 

NICOLE: I got worried that I wasn’t gonna be a bird.

 

SASHEER: “You’re just you. You’re not a bird.”

 

NICOLE: That’d be so sad. Okay.

 

KIMMIE: You as well, Sasheer?

 

SASHEER: Yes. Also, a pair. “Which stat do you value the most?”

 

NICOLE: “Skill.”

 

SASHEER: “Speed (agility).”

 

NICOLE: “Beauty.”

 

SASHEER: “Speed (distance).”

 

NICOLE: “Strength.” Well, I do like Sonic. And he can go the distance. So, I’m going to say speed (distance). That’s a weird way to do that. Wait. What do I admire? Skill!

 

SASHEER: Oh. Oh, so not speed?

 

NICOLE: Well, I decided to not, like, go with Sonic logic and go with, like, human logic.

 

SASHEER: Well, this is also about birds.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Great. Speed (distance).

 

SASHEER: I think I like agility.

 

NICOLE: Oh. Okay. Here’s the thing. I don’t think I know what agility means. Does it mean, like, moving fast without knocking shit over?

 

SASHEER: Like, being agile?

 

NICOLE: You can’t use the word in the definition.

 

SASHEER: Like, bobbing and weaving–not hitting trees. Oh, my God! I told you this. A bird hit my window in my house. I just heard a thud. And then it looked like a cartoon. It was just, like, a splatter of feathers. But I think they’re okay. I didn’t see a carcass or anything.

 

NICOLE: Okay, good. I have birds who live at my house. They found these buckets, and they live in the buckets. And a baby bird hatched today. And they left the fucking eggshell on the ground. I was like, “You live here, too. Fucking clean up.” How do you travel?

 

SASHEER: “Clumsily.”

 

NICOLE: “Perfectly.”

 

SASHEER: “Quickly.”

 

NICOLE: “Marathon.”

 

SASHEER: “I don’t.”

 

NICOLE: I mean, I fall down a lot, so I guess I would say clumsily. I really do fall down.

 

SASHEER: I would agree with clumsily.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I fell today. I got twisted up in my blanket, and I fell right down.

 

SASHEER: When was this?

 

NICOLE: This was today. I was sitting on my couch. I was playing on my phone. I was like, “I gotta get up.” And then I don’t know how, but the blankets were twisted at my feet. And I fell far. And I fell all the way down. And then Clyde stared at me.

 

SASHEER: Damn. You fell in front of me at a show recently. We were in a bar, and she was walking down the hallway. And your purse hit a wall that was already there.

 

NICOLE: My body hit the wall.

 

SASHEER: Your body hit the wall. And you just went all the way down the floor.

 

NICOLE: It took me out. There’s, like, a sweet spot between my butt and my mid-back, where if you hit it, I go down.

 

SASHEER: It’s, like, your Achilles heel. Your Achilles back.

 

NICOLE: I fell right down in front of all of these people!

 

SASHEER: You’re already sitting!

 

NICOLE: I have fallen out of chairs. You’ve seen that.

 

SASHEER: That’s true. That’s true.

 

SASHEER: How do I travel? I travel…

 

NICOLE: Perfectly.

 

SASHEER: I don’t think that’s true.

 

NICOLE: I think you travel rather quickly. Sometimes your little feet are going.

 

SASHEER: I guess quickly. Yeah. And I like short trips. “What is your favorite season?”

 

NICOLE: “Autumn.”

 

SASHEER: “Summer.”

 

NICOLE: “Winter.”

 

SASHEER: “Spring.”

 

NICOLE: I want to say summer because, like, sun’s out, buns out. We’re at the beach. But, like, it’s too hot.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Winter? Too cold.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: Autumn? Too many leaves.

 

SASHEER: Sure.

 

NICOLE: Sometimes you trip on the leaves and fall down or, like, slip on them or whatever.

 

SASHEER: Too slippery.

 

NICOLE: I think I’m gonna say spring because I don’t really fall down in the spring.

 

SASHEER: This is all just based on what’s going to make you fall down. I will say autumn. I like fall. It’s pretty. I like when the leaves turn.

 

NICOLE: I don’t think I knew this about you. Is autumn your favorite season?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. It is.

 

NICOLE: What’s your favorite month?

 

SASHEER: Oh, wow. I don’t know if I thought about that.

 

NICOLE: Okay, so you have September.

 

SASHEER: Sure.

 

NICOLE: October.

 

SASHEER: Uh-huh.

 

NICOLE: And part of November.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I do like August. Is that fall?

 

NICOLE: No! August is summer!

 

SASHEER: Really? The whole month is summer, or just, like, the beginning is summer?

 

NICOLE: The whole month is summer because children aren’t in school in August. They go back in the fall. Autumn.

 

SASHEER: I thought I went back to school in August.

 

NICOLE: You did?

 

SASHEER: That’s what I thought I did.

 

NICOLE: I went back to school in September. Oh no. Is New Jersey failing us?

 

SASHEER: September. Okay.

 

NICOLE: So, I was right. September 22nd? That’s late.

 

SASHEER: That’s pretty late.

 

NICOLE: So, September 1st to the 21st–that’s summer? That’s sick.

 

SASHEER: That is sick. So, when does winter start?

 

NICOLE: When does winter start?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: December 21st!

 

SASHEER: What is it?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: December 21st!

 

NICOLE: How do people just know when winter starts?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: It’s my favorite day to do shrooms!

 

NICOLE: It’s your favorite day to do shrooms? On December 21st?

 

SASHEER: On the Equinox. Whoa. That’s not a bad idea.

 

NICOLE: Seems random.

 

SASHEER: No, it’s very planned, actually. It’s very precise.

 

NICOLE: I guess you’re right. Why that day?

 

SASHEER: Okay, so if you didn’t hear, she does mushrooms on the summer equinox and the winter equinox.

 

NICOLE: And then they do a vegan detox. A lot of preparation. I just eat drugs. I don’t ever prep.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think about it beforehand.

 

NICOLE: Maybe we should empty ourselves.

 

SASHEER: Get the toxins out?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Before we fill ourselves with other toxins.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that.

 

NICOLE: Yes. Thank you. “What is your favorite color?”

 

SASHEER: “White.”

 

NICOLE: “Blue.”

 

SASHEER: “Green.”

 

NICOLE: “Brown.”

 

SASHEER: “Red.”

 

NICOLE: “Rainbow.”

 

SASHEER: “Gray.” Yours is not up here.

 

NICOLE: No, it’s not.

 

SASHEER: Yours is purple.

 

NICOLE: Yes. Yours is up here.

 

SASHEER: Yeah?

 

NICOLE: Yeah.

 

SASHEER: Which one is it?

 

NICOLE: I’m just waiting on you to answer. Okay, well, I know it’s not white.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: I know it’s not blue.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: I know it’s not rainbow.

 

SASHEER: Right.

 

NICOLE: And I know it’s not gray.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: It could be red because I think you like burgundies.

 

SASHEER: I do like burgundies.

 

NICOLE: And it could be brown because you do like a burnt sienna.

 

SASHEER: Yes.

 

NICOLE: And it could be green, like sage. But I’m going to say red is your favorite color. No, I’m wrong. Oh no. How do I not know this? I’m devastated. It’s not green. No, it’s brown. We’re brown people. No, it’s not brown. It’s not brown. It’s red? You love red. Red is your favorite color. You’re wearing it currently. It’s red? What’s your favorite color? We’ve been through this. Oh no! I don’t know you!

 

SASHEER: It’s okay. I kind of don’t really have a favorite color.

 

NICOLE: Thank God.

 

SASHEER: I like gold.

 

NICOLE: And that’s not up there.

 

SASHEER: And I enjoy wearing orange, which is also not up there.

 

NICOLE: Okay, so it’s not there.

 

SASHEER: But maybe I’ll say red. It’s close to orange. So, you were right!

 

NICOLE: Yes. Thank you. I needed that. And I’m going to say rainbow.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Oh, it’s calculating!

 

KIMMIE: This is, Sasheer.

 

SASHEER: Oh, I’m a bald eagle. I am bald!

 

NICOLE: You are bald! Wow.

 

SASHEER: “Strong, fast, and the king of birds. You are not someone to mess with.” All right. I like that.

 

NICOLE: Yes! How American of you. “I love my country.”

 

SASHEER: You were also a bald eagle?

 

NICOLE: This website is America propaganda.

 

KIMMIE: Also, it might be propaganda because I also got bald eagle when I took it.

 

SASHEER: Whoa. It’s actually Quiz your Fox and Friends.

 

NICOLE: I’m devastated. I don’t want to be a bald eagle.

 

SASHEER: I’m sorry you’re not a duck.

 

NICOLE: Thank you for understanding.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I was, like, really excited about it.

 

SASHEER: I know.

 

NICOLE: Just a cute, little duck. I was trying to figure out if I own a duck. And you can own a duck. But they like living in pairs, and they shit every 15 minutes. And I don’t have that stamina.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: To, like, chase a duck around, scooping shit.

 

SASHEER: And they can’t, like, go in a litter box.

 

NICOLE: From what I’ve read, no. And you have to, like, just let them shit. And you can’t put a diaper on them. I Googled, and it was like, “I wouldn’t.” And I was like, “But, like, what if I did? What if I got, like, cute, little disposable diapers for my duck?”

 

SASHEER: Did they say why they wouldn’t put a diaper on a duck?

 

NICOLE: It was like something like, “That’s just not how they live. And it’s inhumane. And they like being outside. Don’t do that. It’s just wrong.” You know?

 

SASHEER: Oh, I see. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

NICOLE: Like, the whole internet–all of Google–was really adamantly against me getting a duck. Oh wait. You can. So, okay, seven people have said you could do it. I would like to see the video.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. There’s a How to Diaper a Duck instructional video from Tyrant Farms.

 

NICOLE: Tyrant Farms? I just would feel bad if my duck was, like, mad at me. You know? My duck was like, “You ripped me away from my home. I was chilling. And you fucking swaddle me up in a diaper to, like, live inside your house?” That would make me sad.

 

SASHEER: I tried to, I guess, have a duck when I was little. There was a duck’s nest on this median in my cul-de-sac. And there was a bunch of eggs there but no mama duck. And a bunch of kids on my street–we saw. I can’t remember how old I was, but maybe seven. I don’t know. And we were like, “Oh, we’ll take care of these eggs.” And we each took an egg and took it home, and I, like, wrapped it in a sweater and put it under my bed. And I was like, “I’m going to raise a duck.” And then my mom found the sweater and was like, “What is this egg doing here?” I was like, “Oh, a duck. This will be a duck one day.” And she’s like, “No, it won’t. This duck is dead. We don’t have enough warmth to incubate it.” And then I was like, “Oh, we can put it back on the nest.” And she’s like, “No because your human hands touched it. The mama duck is going to smell it. It’s never going to come back to the nest.”

 

NICOLE: Your mother told you that as a child?

 

SASHEER: She did. She looked me in the eye and said, “You killed a duck.”

 

NICOLE: I love your mother. She sugarcoats nothing.

 

SASHEER: Not a thing.

 

NICOLE: That’s wild. I would never tell a child. I’d be like, “Not this duck. Maybe the next time around,” and then, I guess, throw away the egg. Wait, did you crack it? Did you see if there’s any yolks? Wait, do ducks have a yolk? Do we eat duck yolk? We eat duck yolk?

 

SASHEER: We can?

 

NICOLE: You can?

 

SASHEER: In what context?

 

NICOLE: I don’t know how come everyone knows when fucking winter happens and that you can eat duck yolk?

 

SASHEER: We have a really smart audience.

 

NICOLE: I’ve never fucking had scrambled duck. I’ve never been to brunch and, like, on the menu was scrambled duck.

 

SASHEER: Oh, I guess it comes like that? What is that? Poached duck? A poached duck egg?

 

NICOLE: Interesting.

 

SASHEER: A salted duck egg.

 

NICOLE: I would not taste it, I don’t think. But maybe I would. Ooh, this is diapering of a duck? I would like to see how to diaper a duck, please. Oh, my God, look at that duck! It’s got suspenders! That duck is trying to escape.

 

SASHEER: That duck does not want to put a diaper on. Oh no.

 

NICOLE: It sure doesn’t.

 

SASHEER: They’re clamping this duck down.

 

NICOLE: Oh, wait, maybe that duck’s trying to get into the harness.

 

SASHEER: He can’t wait to get into the harness.

 

NICOLE: That duck is like, “You better give me my fucking diaper so I can take a shit.” Oh, my God, the way she’s holding this duck’s neck!

 

SASHEER: She choked the duck, put this harness around his neck, wrapping it under its belly/hole, I guess–

 

NICOLE: His hole.

 

SASHEER: There’s a hole down there.

 

NICOLE: This is a lot. I think this duck has trauma.

 

SASHEER: Oh, and it’s going over the tail part.

 

NICOLE: Okay. This doesn’t look like it fits.

 

SASHEER: Oh no. They’re snapping it?

 

NICOLE: I don’t know about this.

 

SASHEER: This duck looks so uncomfortable!

 

NICOLE: And now they’re massaging the butt part? Oh no. This duck hates it! Okay, Kimmie. That’s enough. I can’t do that. That’s inhumane! Google was right. I can’t have a duck. Wait, Sasheer. Should we solve the prob–? Did you get an eyebrow pencil?

 

SASHEER: I mean, I have used an eyebrow pencil.

 

NICOLE: Did you use one today?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I did.

 

NICOLE: Wow.

 

SASHEER: Does it look good?

 

NICOLE: They look great.

 

SASHEER: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: They’re, like, thick, full, fierce– You look good!

 

SASHEER: Thank you so much! I got some glitter on my eyelids, too.

 

NICOLE: I know! I meant to comment on that earlier. I really like it. It’s really cute. What brand eyebrow pencil are you using?

 

SASHEER: Oh. I can’t remember. You know I just get stuff for free, and I’m just like, “Thank you.” I don’t really know how to shop for makeup. But, like, if I finish a show, they’ll be like, “We’re either going to throw this away because we used it on your face, or you could take it.” I’ll just take it.

 

NICOLE: Well, it’s good. I really like it.

 

SASHEER: Thank you. But you just got a new eyebrow pencil, right?

 

NICOLE: I did. And I really had to rush through it, so they’re not as nice as I’d like them to be. Okay, you guys. So, Gucci–if you have the money–has a wonderful makeup line. If you have, like, combination skin, the foundation is really good, and the eyebrow pencil is like butter. It fucking, like, glides over your fucking head, and it’s great. I love it.

 

SASHEER: Wow.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I can’t say enough. The lipsticks–don’t like.

 

SASHEER: Oh, okay.

 

NICOLE: Don’t like. They’re not good.

 

SASHEER: But they have other good stuff.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. So many other good stuff. It’s as if Gucci’s doing ads on this podcast.

 

SASHEER: And they really are not.

 

NICOLE: And they won’t give me anything for free. I have asked.

 

SASHEER: The Lip Bar has a really good eye pencil.

 

NICOLE: Who?

 

SASHEER: The Lip Bar.

 

NICOLE: Who’s that?

 

SASHEER: They are a makeup company.

 

NICOLE: Oh, wait. I think I know them. They’re in Target? And it’s black owned? It’s, like, two black women, and they went on Shark Tank?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, yeah.

 

NICOLE: And the Shark Tank was like, “No.” And they’re like, “We’ll get you.” And then they sold their shit in Target. I know the whole story.

 

SASHEER: You were like, “Who are they?” and then told me more than I knew. So, you do know them?

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I do. I guess. It just all came to me–rushed to my brain. Okay. Should we do another quiz or help people?

 

SASHEER: Help people.

 

NICOLE: Okay, let’s help people. “Coworkers and threesomes?” “Hi, lovelies. So, a month or so ago, one of my friends–let’s call him Greg–came by to…” Oh, my God. Can you read?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. “So, a month ago or so, one of my friends–let’s call him Greg–came by my work to hang out. Long story short, he ended up hooking up with my coworker, Gina, that night, and I was like, ‘Hell, yeah! Go for it!’ and happy for both of them. A week or so later, I’m hanging out with Greg and some other friends. And at the end of the night, it’s only me, Greg, and my friend Julia who are left. One thing leads to another, and the three of us have drunk, fun sex. It was my first ever threesome. I always wondered how those happen.”

 

NICOLE: “I don’t think I want it to happen again. It just felt like a fun night between friends. And the next day, we were all chill friends again. I thought about telling my coworker Gina about this, but then I felt weird about it because that would maybe make it feel like a bigger deal than it is. So, she was talking to me about maybe hitting him up again, and I felt weird not saying anything. But I also feel weird about telling her. And then I thought that if I do tell her, I kind of want her to know that it was a threesome because that seems like less of a big deal. I don’t know. What would you do? Would totally love answers from all four of you.”

 

SASHEER: Interesting.

 

NICOLE: Interesting. Falling into a threesome and then being like, “Never again.”

 

SASHEER: Sometimes it happens when you try something and you’re like, “Glad I tried it. I don’t need more of that.”

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I’m trying to think of what I’ve tried and said, “Never again.”

 

SASHEER: You just like it all.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I mean, sexually, sure. But I was thinking other things.

 

SASHEER: Oh, just in life.

 

NICOLE: I don’t like pickled things.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: But I guess we are talking about sex.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I don’t love a handjob. Like, “What are we doing?” And they’re, like, looking longingly in your eyes, being like, “Are my hands soft?”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Okay. I don’t know if I want to say mine.

 

NICOLE: Oh, my goodness. Save it for later and tell me. Okay, let’s see. You do a threesome. You don’t want to do it again. I think you can say… Oh, I don’t know. If it happens, it happens. Let’s not, like, set up another one.

 

SASHEER: No, I think the question was–

 

NICOLE: Oh, did I fuck it up?

 

SASHEER: I think the writer’s asking, “Should they tell their coworker that they had a threesome with the person she had sex with?”

 

NICOLE: I was really stuck on the “I don’t want to do it again.”

 

SASHEER: No, that was just such a small part of it. I think they just want to know… Like, Gina wants to see Greg again. And Greg is the writer’s friend. And I guess she’s like, “Should I say, ‘Oh, by the way. We had sex.’”

 

NICOLE: Oh, yeah. No.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. It’s not necessary.

 

NICOLE: You never have to disclose that you fucked anybody. I fucked so many people that you have fucked. I’m kidding, I haven’t.

 

SASHEER: Wait. What?

 

NICOLE: So many fucking people. You fuck them on Tuesdays, and I fuck them on Wednesdays.

 

SASHEER: Wait, have we ever fucked the same person?

 

NICOLE: No.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: Yes. Wait.

 

SASHEER: No. No.

 

NICOLE: No. I just shared a hotel room with someone you fucked, but we didn’t fuck.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: He just kept me up with his snoring. It was really awful. Yeah, I’m, like, 100% sure we’re not… Is it…? Oh, I think we say “snow sisters” now.

 

SASHEER: Wait, what were you going to say?

 

NICOLE: “Eskimo sisters.” But then I said that on my podcast, and you better believe people on Twitter were like, “Nooooooo! It’s ‘snow sisters’ now!” And I was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” So now I will never forget it’s snow sisters and not the other one.

 

SASHEER: Got it. Yeah. Great.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. We’re a different kind of sister.

 

SASHEER: Soul sister?

 

NICOLE: I just said it because, like, we’re, like, really close. But then after, I was like, “It’s going to be weird to be like, ‘We’re Black sisters!’”

 

SASHEER: “Sistahs!” With an “A” at the end. You said you made this term up. We “tandem fucked,” where we fucked at the same time, but in different places.

 

NICOLE: Different people, different places. Is that something I made up?

 

SASHEER: I’ve only heard you say it.

 

NICOLE: Has anyone else heard that term? Okay, so I definitely made that up. And I remember I said it like it was a thing. I was like, “Oh, we tandem fucked!” And you were like, “What?” The same time, just in different locations. I think we’ve tandem fucked a lot.

 

SASHEER: Yeah? Probably.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. You leave the bar with somebody, it’s not like we’re reading books.

 

SASHEER: No, we’re fucking. All right. Let’s do another question.

 

NICOLE: Yeah.

 

KIMMIE: Here’s a voicemail.

 

SASHEER: Oh, nice.

 

NICOLE: Ooh.

 

REBEL: Good morning, Nicole. Good morning, Sasheer. Good morning, Kimmie. Good morning, Jordan. My name is Rebel. I am a first-time listener, long time caller. And I have a question about best friends, acquaintances, and magic mushrooms. You see, my best friend–let’s call him Ross because that’s his name–he is having a birthday very soon. And I decided to message him and ask, “Do you want to partake in some mushrooms to celebrate?” We’ve smoked marijuana before for several years, so this seemed like something that would be okay. But he kind of just didn’t give me any kind of response. He just ignored my message. So, I took that as a no, he doesn’t want to partake. And that’s totally fine. But his roommate who has the exact same birthday–they’re going to be celebrating together. I am acquaintances with the roommate. I don’t know them very well. But I did message the roommate and say, “Do you want to partake in the magic mushrooms?” And they were like, “Yes. I’m in. Let’s do this. Hallelujah. Slay.” So, I’m just kind of in my head of, like… Is that a dickish thing of like, “Well, my best friend doesn’t want to do this for his birthday, but his roommate is okay.” Like, I got a negative answer from my best friend. So, I went around him to his roommate and asked. I don’t know. I feel kind of confused and unsure, really. So, if you ladies have any advice, thoughts, or opinions–or any advice for first time mushroom takers–I would love to hear it. Thank you, ladies, so much for everything you do for this podcast. So entertaining! Have a good night.

 

KIMMIE: So, if that was unclear because it’s hard to hear them sometimes, our caller has a best friend. He asked him if he wanted to do mushrooms for his birthday. Best friend didn’t respond to the text. Our caller then texted the best friend’s roommate who he is just acquaintances with. And the roommate said, “Yes, please.” And now our caller feels awkward and doesn’t know what to do.

 

SASHEER: Is it the caller’s birthday as well? Or was it the best friend and the roommate’s–

 

KIMMIE: Best friend and the roommate are birthday twins.

 

SASHEER: Okay. Not actual twins. Okay.

 

NICOLE: I wonder if it’s like they’re all going to the same party and they’re going to be on mushrooms because that’s fine. I think if it’s, like, a group event…

 

SASHEER: I thought it was like a “We’re taking a journey. I’m gonna take you to the park or the woods or maybe my house. I don’t know. But the mission is mushroom. That is what we’re doing.” And it’s our caller’s first time? Or the friend’s first time?

 

KIMMIE: I believe it is the caller’s first time. And it sounds like the best friend has also not partaken in mushrooms before. They’ve never done it together.

 

NICOLE: Interesting. I do think it’s kind of a weird move to ask the roommate if you’re not close with the roommate–if they’re just an acquaintance.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know. I mean, it sounds like the caller wants to do the drugs. It doesn’t have to be for the birthday. They want to have this experience. It doesn’t sound like the best friend wants to do that. They’re allowed to say no. And they want a buddy on this journey, which they should have. Don’t do it alone on your first time. So why not? Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t see anything wrong with being like, “Yeah, this person’s down.” You want someone who’s, like, down.

 

NICOLE: I guess. Yeah. I mean, if their friend doesn’t want to fucking do them, find someone who wants to do mushrooms. I guess I’m, like, really bumping against not wanting to do mushrooms, you know? That is a nonstarter for me. I love mushrooms.

 

SASHEER: Some people get scared. They might be like, “I don’t know what I’m like on it.”

 

NICOLE: Fun.

 

SASHEER: They don’t know that yet. But maybe they– Someone shouted “birthday,” I think. Maybe it should be rebranded. Maybe it shouldn’t be “This is the birthday celebration.” Just be like, “I’m gonna try this. Your roommate is also going to try it with me. You’re welcome to join.”

 

NICOLE: Yeah, that sounds nice and reasonable.

 

SASHEER: But not like, “I got these mushrooms for your birthday. And you don’t want it, so I’m doing it with your roommate.”

 

NICOLE: I had therapy today, and my therapist is like, “It’s all about framing. You have to frame things.” And that’s a good reframe. So, did you sit in on my session today? Were you on the zoom?

 

SASHEER: I was just texting your therapist as you were chatting. I was like, “What are you guys talking about? Tell me!”

 

NICOLE: I think that’s, like, a really good… Yeah, just reframe that shit.

 

SASHEER: They also asked for advice for a first-time shroom taker. And I honestly want to just ask our friend in the front row who has been giving us equinox tips and cleansing tips. Do you mind? Do you mind getting on the mic? What’s your name?

 

TERESA: Hi, my name is Teresa.

 

SASHEER: Hi!

 

REBEL: I actually do have an opinion about this. I feel like shrooms are such an amazing tool, but I feel like you really have to cultivate how you’re going to do them and who you’re going to do them around because they will take your brain to a different place. And if you’re around people you don’t feel comfortable or safe with, it can really just fuck with your head and then ruin it completely. So, yeah, I would say definitely go back to your friend and say, “Hey, I want to have this experience. I would like to do it with you. Are you interested in this?” And then kind of make sure that that person has a-okayed it or not okayed it. They’re like, “Yes. Maybe. But not on my birthday.” That sort of thing. And then if he still wants to do it, he can. But you have to clear it with your friend first, so you don’t ruin that because the roommate… Who the fuck are they? Like, they could be gone in however long. They don’t have a relationship with their best friend’s roommate.

 

SASHEER: These are great points.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. And it’s good to do with someone you feel safe with because the first time I did shrooms, I did them with a bunch of girls. And one of the girls fell into the closet, and I thought the closet ate her. And I left her.

 

SASHEER: You left her?

 

NICOLE: So, I was not the safe person. And she came downstairs and was like, “You let the closet eat me.” And I was like, “Yeah, because I didn’t know what to do.” And she was like, “You could have saved me from the closet eating me.” And we had an argument about how I let the closet eat her. So yeah, do your mushrooms with someone who will save you from the closet.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. You have to.

 

NICOLE: Because it wasn’t me at that time.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. And maybe if the best friend knows that “my roommate and my best friend are doing it. This is enough of a community that I feel safe…” The first time I did mushrooms was with three people total. And that felt good. I feel like one other person feels a little too intense for your first time. I’m trying to think if I’ve ever done it with one other person. Mostly it’s been with a group–at least three.

 

NICOLE: I’ve done it. Yeah, usually it’s three people. But in the beginning of the pandemic, I did do it alone, and I did try to hug my trees because it looked like they were trying to hug me. And I was like, “I have to reciprocate.” And I really wonder if, like, my neighbors saw that–saw me outside staring at my trees, being like, “Come here, big guy.” I love mushrooms.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Solved.

 

SASHEER: And I would say definitely settle the thing with the best friend before you do the mushrooms. Otherwise, that’s all you’re going to think about.

 

NICOLE: Yes. That’s a good one. Solved.

 

SASHEER: Solved!

 

KIMMIE: Do you guys want to do one more? Do you want to do audience questions?

 

NICOLE: Oooh. I think they’re chomping at the bit.

 

KIMMIE: Can we have the audience mic out?

 

SASHEER: There. Mic is up. Oh. Hello again. It’s our Equinox friend.

 

TERESA: I just have to say, you guys are amazing. I’m lowkey, like, not crazy obsessed, but I love you guys. Like, in person, I’m like, “What the fuck? You guys are gorgeous.” Nicole, how the fuck are you still single? And Sasheer, you came out with that bald head, and I was like, “Biiiitch.” I’m so excited. So, one of my best friends actually lives in Hong Kong, and I introduced her to the podcast. That’s one of the ways that we stay in contact. We listen to it separately, and we talk about it. And I told her that you guys were having a show tonight. She’s like, “You have to go!” I’m like, “Okay, I’m going to go to the microphone and shout her out.” So, Nikki in Hong Kong, I love you!

 

SASHEER: Yay! I love that!

 

NICOLE: So, fucking sweet.

 

SASHEER: That’s so sweet.

 

TERESA: Literally, that’s it. All right. I’m leaving.

 

SASHEER: Oh. Thank you.

 

NICOLE: That’s so sweet. We love Nikki in Hong Kong.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. They tandem listen. They listen to the podcast in different places. Hi.

 

NICOLE: Hello.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Hi, Nicole. Hi, Sasheer. I have a good question. If you guys were to wake up in each other’s bodies, what would be the first thing you guys do?

 

NICOLE: I’d honk them titties! I’ve never had big ones, so it would be an experience.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I would try on all your wigs. And maybe I’d just, like, get on that pole.

 

NICOLE: You would? Okay. After I finish honking your titties, I’d probably put on some of your outfits, because I do love… You have some really, really cute things–namely these acid washed jeans that I really, really like and then these, like, turquoise, purple, and blue pants with a pattern that we got in Canada together. I love those pants. I’d slide them on my body, and I’d go, “Mmm.” And then I’d probably call your mom because I love her.

 

SASHEER: Oh boy.

 

NICOLE: And she’d be like, “What is this? Why are you calling me?” And I’d be like, “Just tell me a story.” And then what would I do? I think that’s about it.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Maybe I’d take your body to get a meal because you’re always hungry. And, like, I know that I am you now, but, like, I want to honor that you like food.

 

SASHEER: Thank you. You’re welcome.

 

NICOLE: I realized how insane that sounded. I’m gonna take your body to go get food to honor that you like food. But I stand by it. I’d go eat a hot dog.

 

SASHEER: Thanks. Thank you for taking care of my body.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Or maybe a chicken sandwich or something. No, chips. I’d go to the grocery. I’d get some chips.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I want chips. I don’t know what else I would do with your body.

 

NICOLE: It’s okay. No. It’s fine. You just don’t want to take me for a spin.

 

SASHEER: Well, I guess I would just go find me. I would find you.

 

NICOLE: Oh, that’s so funny! It never occurred to me!

 

SASHEER: We would just go hang out. I don’t think I would, like, be in your body for long without going to find you.

 

NICOLE: It would probably take me a couple of hours before I was like, “Oh, yeah. I should, like, find my body and see if Sasheer is in my body.” I wouldn’t be able to call because you have a lock on your phone. I should know the lock to your phone.

 

SASHEER: Okay, I’ll tell you later. Great question.

 

NICOLE: That was a very good question.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Thank you guys.

 

NICOLE: Thank you.

 

SASHEER: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: That was better than that question where that person was like, “If there were two Sasheers on a roof…” I think about that a lot.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah. It really stressed you out?

 

NICOLE: It really did. And sometimes I’ll think about it right before bed, and I’m like, “Oh, my God.”

 

SASHEER: It won’t happen. You won’t have to do that.

 

NICOLE: It might. Shit’s getting wild.

 

SASHEER: It’s true. Hi.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 Hello.

 

NICOLE: Are you wearing a robe?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 I am.

 

NICOLE: I love this. Is your body out?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 No. I wore a tank top underneath.

 

SASHEER: Oh, it does look like your chest.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 I’m just this pale.

 

NICOLE: I like it. This is a look.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 Thank you very much. Speaking of looks, you looked amazing on Season 14. You know the fit. And Sasheer, you’re my partner’s favorite comedian. It’s just your Instagram videos between our chat, so…

 

SASHEER: Oh, I love that.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 Thank you both for being so lovely.

 

SASHEER: Thank you.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 My question is, I have a very dear best friend. You only go to your best friend with partner issues–when you need to talk to somebody or vent to somebody. The more he vents to me, the more I don’t think I like the partner. And they just moved in together.

 

NICOLE: Ooh. That’s a little tough. But I do think you have to bear in mind that, like, the things they’re complaining about is, like, them specific. And it doesn’t have truly anything to do with you. And it’s a little amplified because they’re together. Yeah. But unless it’s shit where it’s like, “It’s bad, and I’m not safe!” then it’s like, “Yeah, you don’t like them. That’s bad.” But I think it was just like things that you’re just like, “Oh, that sucks.” I think it’s just like, “I have to remove myself from that because I’m not in the relationship and I’m just here to listen to venting.” Am I right?

 

SASHEER: That sounds great. That was really good. Yeah, you have to remember they’re upset and so they’re just complaining. But I’m sure there’s good parts of the relationship that they’re not telling you because it’s not on their mind. They’re just enjoying the good parts. But then something annoys them, and they go to you and complain about it. But I would hope they wouldn’t move in with this person if it was all bad.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: What if it keeps happening consistently though? Like, it’s a similar theme in the issue.

 

SASHEER: But that’s also… Unfortunately, that happens in relationships. And sometimes there are consistent, like, “Well this is it. Here we are again.” But if it’s, like, horrible, well, maybe this person needs to be removed.

 

NICOLE: Can you share specifics, or no? No is okay.

 

SASHEER: I don’t want to share specifics.

 

NICOLE: Fair. I think Sasheer’s right.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: Okay, great. Thank you.

 

SASHEER: Yes!

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Hi, guys. So, I was introduced to your podcast today with my friend Rene, and that’s the only friend part about the question. But in the podcast, it was at the point of your show, Nicole, where you talk about, like, the very weird messages you get from people. And it was the one where the guy, like, wanted to stuff you with froyo and take you home and–

 

NICOLE: Is it you?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

 

SASHEER: And he’s like, “And I brought the froyo.”

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: No. So, like, while I wouldn’t do the froyo thing myself, as I was listening, I was just like, “Is that the worst idea?”

 

NICOLE: Yes, that’s the worst idea to take me to TCBY, put me upside down, and fill me up!

 

SASHEER: Wait. Did you try?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: No. I mean, yeast infection aside, like, I don’t know. Maybe. But that’s beside the point. What I was going to ask was, like–

 

NICOLE: “Yeast infection aside.” That’s a doctor’s visit.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: I mean, that’s why you go with a man who has, like, you know, insurance. But the real question is, have you ever, like, heard one of those messages and thought to yourself, “That’s actually a great idea.”

 

NICOLE: No because people literally want to fill me with clam chowder or, like, put me on a table and fuck me while Guy Fieri watches. No one has ever said anything romantic. Everyone’s like, “I want to flip you upside down and fucking stuff you with hot dogs and let Sasheer be upset that she can’t eat them.” Like, they’re all so fucked up.

 

SASHEER: I don’t want to be involved in this. H

 

NICOLE: I know you don’t. You’d be so mad to watch me get stuffed with hot dogs in my pussy.

 

SASHEER: What a waste.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: So what’s your idea of romantic?

 

NICOLE: Are you hitting on me? Yes?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Is it working?

 

NICOLE: Well, I’ll say this. This is cheating. You can’t just be like, “What’s your idea of romantic?” then I tell you, and then you do it. You gotta, like, surprise me.

 

SASHEER: No, I like saying what I want and getting what I want.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Here’s what I find romantic. I get home tonight, and there’s a piece of pink champagne cake on my bed. And we slowly and sensually eat it together. And you let me have the last six bites. And then you slam me down on my stomach and fuck me till I die.

 

SASHEER: Nice.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that’s romantic.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: I don’t know about till you die but just till one of us falls asleep. Thank you.

 

NICOLE: Wait. What? I missed it. What did you say?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: I said, “Not till you die, but, like, till one of us falls asleep. So…”

 

NICOLE: Oh. Well, when I say “die,” I just, like, want to be cross-eyed and be like, “What is my name?”

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Oh, I mean, that’s always intended. So… Thank you.

 

NICOLE: What, Sasheer? Would you like me to bring him up here and fuck him?

 

SASHEER: I didn’t say that.

 

NICOLE: Imagine! People would be like, “Netflix is a joke.”

 

SASHEER: Oh, also, I can’t remember the name of this website. I used to know it, but there was this–

 

NICOLE: Pornhub.com.

 

SASHEER: It was a different site. You know how it used to be, like, 2 Girls 1 Cup? Like, that’s the thing? So, like, there was one that was just filling people up with food. And it was, like, cereal and milk. What is it?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Feedherfuckher.com.

 

SASHEER: Feedherfuckher.com?

 

NICOLE: What are you, a subscriber?

 

SASHEER: Wait, this is our romantic man.

 

NICOLE: That’s my boyfriend.

 

SASHEER: Never mind.

 

NICOLE: “Yeah, I met him on feedherfuckher.com.

 

SASHEER: But they would take, like, a speculum and, like, open up an asshole and, like, pour cereal and milk in there. And then someone would eat it out of there.

 

NICOLE: Honestly, shut up. That’s funny.

 

SASHEER: It is funny.

 

NICOLE: That’s really funny. Someone brainstormed that. Yeah, someone’s so upset, she’s leaving and she’s like, “You will not open me up and eat Lucky Charms out of my fucking butt.” But it’s funny that they came up with it and then executed it and got someone to agree to do that.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

NICOLE: Okay. If your butt was opened up, what cereal would you want?

 

SASHEER: Reese’s Pieces?

 

NICOLE: Oh, okay. Like, the Reese’s Puffs cereal? Okay. That’s good because I, at first, was going to do Honey Bunches of Oats. But I think the jagged edges would really cut me up. Hey, what’s going on?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: I have a question for my partner because she was too shy to come up and ask.

 

NICOLE: Oh, okay.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: The question is, she wants someone to talk about her partner with. How does she make a best friend as an adult?

 

SASHEER: Your partner told you this?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Yeah, she just told me.

 

NICOLE: Gotta say, either very healthy or not at all. It’s one or the other. I’m going to say healthy. I like it. That’s a good question. Well, see, now, I need to know what your partner is into. What is your partner like?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Snakes and anime.

 

NICOLE: Snakes and anime. I feel like you could find someone on the internet who’s into anime. And then maybe, like, find a snake class.

 

SASHEER: Maybe! I have no idea.

 

NICOLE: My follow-up to that was, like, “What is a snake class?”

 

SASHEER: Like, how to care for them?

 

NICOLE: A petting zoo? These are very specific. I feel like your partner could find a friend on the internet. What is, like, an in-person anime thing?

 

SASHEER: Conventions?

 

NICOLE: Oh, send your partner to Comic-Con and don’t let them come back until they have a friend.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Okay. Got it.

 

SASHEER: Was that the question?

 

NICOLE: I don’t know.

 

SASHEER: Wait.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Well, how do you make a best friend? You can make a friend anywhere. How do you make a best friend?

 

NICOLE: Well, I mean, I locked eyes with Sasheer, and I said, “She will be mine.” And then I did it. So, maybe your partner needs to manifest somebody.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. And it’s possible your partner already knows their best friend. They don’t know it yet. We knew each other, we were already performing together for a while, but we didn’t become best friends until, like, a certain phone call, honestly. And we realized we had more to talk about other than comedy and improv. So, I think once you get past the surface stuff and you start realizing, “oh, I like you,” then that’s one of the best friendships that can possibly happen. So yeah, there might be a person that’s already in this person’s life that they get along with that maybe they can just ask to hang out outside of work or outside of a convention or wherever they are going to have fun. Yeah. Try that.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: You’re welcome.

 

DANIELLE: Hi. How are you guys? How are you doing?

 

NICOLE: These pants are great. Where are they from?

 

DANIELLE: Fashion Nova.

 

NICOLE: Fashion Nova. They’re great. I like that.

 

DANIELLE: Y’all use the word “tandem”? It’s actually one after another.

 

NICOLE: What is that? What do you mean? The word “tandem” means one after another?

 

SASHEER: But what about a tandem bike? That’s just, like, connected.

 

NICOLE: No, one is after the other!

 

SASHEER: I guess I thought it was, like, they’re riding the bike together at the same time.

 

NICOLE: I am humiliated, which is a word I know how to say correctly because in a voiceover I said, “Hummiliated.” And they were like, “What are you saying?” My world is done.

 

SASHEER: Are you sure?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Kimmie? We’re going to disprove you.

 

SASHEER: “When two or more–”

 

NICOLE: She’s right! “Having two things arranged one in front of the other.”

 

SASHEER: So, if we were tandem fucking, I would be fucking someone in front of you fucking someone. So, it would just be a foursome.

 

NICOLE: Okay. It’s either a foursome or one of us started to fuck first.

 

SASHEER: And then they left, and then you came in?

 

NICOLE: No, like, you get to your hotel room first, you start fucking, and then I get to my hotel room a little bit after and start fucking after. So, one is happening after the other. Listen, I’m really just trying to make this work for myself. I’m honestly devastated. I have been using tandem incorrectly for 47 years. What’s your name?

 

SASHEER: And why are you doing this to us?

 

DANIELLE: I just wanted to let you know.

 

NICOLE: What is your name?

 

DANIELLE: Danielle.

 

NICOLE: Danielle, you have ruined our lives. I’m really shook. I don’t think I know what very many words are.

 

SASHEER: It’s okay. Now we know.

 

NICOLE: Thanks, Danielle.

 

DANIELLE: I do have a question.

 

NICOLE: I’ll get over it. I forget shit all the time. I’ll just remember you, Danielle. Okay. Do you have a question, or did you just want to correct me?

 

DANIELLE: No. I had a question, too. So do y’all have any advice on, like, how to keep a guy in the friendzone that you’re having sex with?

 

SASHEER: How to keep them in the friendzone?

 

NICOLE: Wow! Danielle came in here to make me feel bad! Danielle got in her car! She said, “I’m gonna make this bitch cry tonight!” Danielle parked her car, walked into the theater, and said, “I’m fucking ready!” Wow, Danielle!

 

SASHEER: Okay, so… Has this person been trying to fuck you?

 

NICOLE: They’ve been fucking.

 

SASHEER: Wait. Oh, you already fucked?

 

NICOLE: Yes. And she’s trying to friendzone him. She’s like, “Your dick is good but not good enough to betroth me!”

 

SASHEER: Oh, I thought they were trying to fuck.

 

NICOLE: No, Danielle’s very lucky.

 

SASHEER: I see. Have you guys had conversations? Like, do you know what this person’s goal is? Or are they, like, just down for the hang?

 

DANIELLE: They’re down, but then, like, having over sex over and over again, I guess, they developed feelings and they want a relationship. But, like, you already made it clear that you don’t want to be, so I don’t know.

 

NICOLE: Wait. Sorry. They say they want to be in a relationship with you? Oh.

 

SASHEER: Oh, they can’t. I’m sorry. It’s too late.

 

DANIELLE: Can’t do it?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. This should have happened earlier. I’m so sorry. They caught feelings.

 

DANIELLE: Well, what if they don’t say it?

 

NICOLE: If they haven’t said they want to be in a relationship with you? What is the truth?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. You can’t be like, “What if…?”

 

NICOLE: Danielle, did this person say they want to be in a relationship with you?

 

DANIELLE: Yes.

 

NICOLE: Yes. Okay, Danielle. That’s the issue at hand. No. Okay, so, Danielle, you’ve got to be honest with this person. And you got to say, “That dick is great. I love it. You dick me down so good. But, like, I’m truly not looking for a relationship. And if you can’t handle that, we have to stop having sex because it’s not kind.”

 

DANIELLE: Okay. Thank you, guys.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: And you’re tall. You’re pretty. You’ll find somebody else. And you’ll ruin their life by telling them definitions of things.

 

SASHEER: There you go.

 

NICOLE: Wow, Danielle.

 

SASHEER: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: Thank you. Hi!

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Hi. If you could pick the theme song of each other, what would you pick?

 

SASHEER: Oh, like, a song that exists in the world already?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Sure.

 

SASHEER: I mean, the first thing that came to my mind is the Muppet Baby theme song.

 

NICOLE: I’ve never heard that.

 

SASHEER: Really?

 

NICOLE: No.

 

SASHEER: Do you know the show?

 

NICOLE: No.

 

SASHEER: It’s the Muppets, but they’re babies. It’s a cartoon! And then–yeah–they were in daycare? I can’t remember what they were doing. But there’s, like, little toddlers running around and having adventures.

 

NICOLE: Okay. My theme song for you is Family Matters.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know the words. What are the words?

 

NICOLE & SASHEER: “There’s a rare condition this day and age…”

 

NICOLE: That’s it. Thank you, guys, so much for coming out to sunny downtown Los Angeles at the Regent Theater–part of the Netflix Is A Joke marathon! That’s Sasheer!

 

SASHEER: That’s Nicole. Kimmie-on-the-Keys. Jordan Duffy.

 

NICOLE: I love you, Jordan. Thank you, guys, so much! Okay! Bye-bye!