EP. 222 — Sasheer Needs Her Silver Outfit! with Ron Funches and Gabe Dinger

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Nicole [00:01:19] Hi, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:01:21] Hi, Nicole.

Nicole [00:01:23] How are you doing?

Sasheer [00:01:26] I’m good. I’m a little concerned because… Okay, so we’re going to see Beyoncé–you and I. I’m not concerned about that. I am concerned because I ordered an outfit because she told us to wear silver. And…

Nicole [00:01:38] Is it not here?

Sasheer [00:01:39] It is here. It’s in my P.O. box. But I don’t get back to LA until after the post office is closed. And it’s not open over the weekend. So, I’m trying. I don’t know how to get it. And I’m a little concerned.

Nicole [00:01:56] Oh no. I would go get it, but I have a full day tomorrow.

Sasheer [00:02:01] Yeah, I think there’s a couple of people I can ask that I think hopefully will do it.

Nicole [00:02:07] Where is the key to your P.O. Box? Do you have one somewhere?

Sasheer [00:02:11] It’s a combination. There’s a combination thing. I don’t think I’ve had anyone pick anything up for me. There’s only one time where they ask me for my I.D. and I was like, “Why the fuck do you need my I.D.? I am here all the time.” So, I would hope that someone picking up something for me wouldn’t need an I.D. Then I’m like, “Do I email the post office and tell them someone’s picking my stuff up?” I don’t know.

Nicole [00:02:39] Can you email the post office?

Sasheer [00:02:42] Can you?

Nicole [00:02:43] I don’t even know. These are things we should know as adults, but I simply don’t.

Sasheer [00:02:47] I simply don’t. I guess I could probably call my local branch just to be like, “Heads up. Someone’s coming to get my stuff. Please let them do that.”

Nicole [00:02:57] And you know they’ll say, “Okay,” and not note it down anywhere. They’ll say, “Never heard of it.”

Sasheer [00:03:03] I know. I think it will happen.

Nicole [00:03:10] It’s going to happen. It’s going to be fine. We’re going to see Beyoncé. I’m excited.

Sasheer [00:03:18] I’m very excited. Yes. I haven’t seen her since the Formation Tour.

Nicole [00:03:23] Same. I saw her… Oh, wait. Yeah, I think I saw a formation. I missed her and Jay-Z together. The Carters. The Carters Tour.

Sasheer [00:03:33] On the Run?

Nicole [00:03:33] Oh yeah, it was On the Run and not the Carters Tour. But I can’t wait to see Blue Ivy. She’s hit her prime. You know, she’s got it together. She is killing it.

Sasheer [00:03:49] I’m very excited. I was looking at a breakdown. It was comparing Taylor Swift’s tour to Beyoncé’s, which, like, no need to compare. But it was just saying, like, I guess how many dates they’ve gone on or how many tickets they’ve sold, etc. And it was doing it number by number. And then there was one category that was like, “Children on stage? Taylor Swift: 0. Beyoncé: 1.

Nicole [00:04:25] Honestly, what a funny thing. Someone’s like, “We got to count the kids on stage. For Taylor Swift and Beyoncé, there’s probably gonna be at least one kid on stage or two maybe. Just one. Just one. And it’s Beyoncé’s child.”

Sasheer [00:04:36] And then there was another category that was like, “How many janitor’s buckets or trash cans or something on stage? Beyoncé: 0. Taylor Swift: 1. Because maybe she comes out of a trash can? I don’t know.

Nicole [00:04:51] Taylor Swift comes out of a trash can?

Sasheer [00:04:53] Maybe as a goof. Maybe you’re like, “Are they cleaning up the stage? Are they done?” And then she pops out. I don’t actually know.

Nicole [00:05:02] Maybe it’s to clean up all the friendship bracelets. What’s that shit? What is it?

Sasheer [00:05:09] I don’t know. People are bringing friendship– I guess they’re bringing friendship breaks and trading them.

Nicole [00:05:13] Trading them?

Sasheer [00:05:15] Yeah. I think you’re giving them to other people to be like, “You’re my friend because we’re all here.” And then you receive some, too. I actually don’t know.

Nicole [00:05:22] Interesting. I’m not shitting on Taylor Swift because, you know, not everything is for everybody. But I do feel like her music–for me, there’s no real bops. I feel like you’re going to an elevator music concert. That might sound very rude. And I do deeply apologize because she’s only got one bop for me. And it’s “Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do.” I think I’ve sung that to you before. I do love that she starts it with “the old Taylor is dead.” It’s such a funny song, and I love bopping to it.

Sasheer [00:05:57] Yeah, I think there’s, like, a couple hits. I’m sure the biggest hits of hers I have heard and enjoyed. But there’s some songs where I’m like, “I don’t know if it’s…” Yeah, it’s a specific sound, but people love her.

Nicole [00:06:15] They love her. And I didn’t know that people loved her the way they do. That was an interesting thing for me to learn.

Sasheer [00:06:22] They love her and have loved her the whole time. She’s an empire. And that I love. I respect that. She has created a whole wave of content and music and I also love that she writes her own stuff and, like, is very, very thoughtful with her marketing. Someone was telling me how she has no sponsors on any of her concerts. She just has no need for a sponsorship. She’s like, “I’m good.”

Nicole [00:06:57] I mean, truly outstanding, wild, you’ll love to see it… The music might not be for me, but it’s for so many other people. So, you can’t knock it, and that’s why I was like, “Apologies,” before I said it was elevator music. People are going to come for me. They’re going to be so mean. They’re going to be like, “Your voice is an elevator.” I don’t know. I don’t know what they’re saying.

Sasheer [00:07:17] “Your voice is an elevator.”

Nicole [00:07:21] And then I’ll cry. I’ll say, “No.” But I guess it does go up and down. It is an elevator!

Judith [00:07:31] Real quick. The bracelet trend that the fans are sharing with each other comes from a song. It’s called Midnights, and there’s lyrics that inspire trading the bracelets. So that’s why they’re doing it.

Nicole [00:07:44] Good to know. I wonder if the lyrics are: “Make a bracelet and bring it on down. Trade it with a friend, and you’re bonded for life.” I mean, I could be a singer. Why doesn’t anyone want to put me in a stadium?

Sasheer [00:08:00] It also feels like maybe you could be a new Taylor Swift fan. But it feels like when you jump into, like, watching Marvel or Star Wars or something. There’s so much history and lore and relationships and foreshadowing in other songs and numbers and things like that. There’s so much going on with Taylor’s discography that I feel like I’d be overwhelmed. I would be like, “I’m way too far behind to even try to understand what’s happening right now.”

Nicole [00:08:36] Yeah. Playing catch up with Taylor Swift does not seem like a good time.

Sasheer [00:08:42] You know what does sound like a good time?

Nicole [00:08:43] I don’t know. That was a great Segue. What does seem like a good time?

Sasheer [00:08:46] Talking to two best friends about their friendship.

Nicole [00:08:50] Do you mean it’s time for two people to come on and talk?

Sasheer [00:08:54] Well, more specifically, it’s time for Besting Each Other.

Nicole [00:09:01] And today we have Ron Funches, who’s a national treasure. He’s an accomplished stand-up comedian, actor, and writer who has had many memorable roles on TV, on The Goldbergs, black-ish, New Girl, Transparent, Single Drunk, Female, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Powerless, and Undateable. And you can catch him on Loot on Apple TV+. He is currently on tour doing stand-up. You can go to ronfunches.com for more information.

Sasheer [00:09:22] And we also have Gabe Dinger, who is a witty and talented comedic performer and writer from Portland, Oregon, now based in Los Angeles. With over ten years of experience in the comedy industry, Gabe has appeared on TV and music videos. And he’s opened for Norm MacDonald, Richard Lewis, and Maria Bamford. In fact, Gabe will be opening up for Ron at Cobb’s Comedy Club in San Francisco on October 8.

Nicole [00:09:43] Yeah! Let’s start with Ron! Okay, Ron. It’s time for a segment we call Besting Each Other where we find out whether you’re actually friends or not? And in the end, if you get them wrong, you got to end your friendship and leave town and start a new life. Then you can’t be Ron anymore.

Sasheer [00:10:14] Yeah, we all know that.

Ron [00:10:15] Everyone knows it.

Sasheer [00:10:18] It’s a popular classic.

Nicole [00:10:20] Yes. And we are talking about Gabe. And we would love to know where did you and Gabe meet?

Ron [00:10:27] Gabe and I met in Portland, Oregon at Harvey’s Comedy Club, doing an open mic. It might not have been Harvey’s. I think it was Comedy Club West Side–this comedy club that was run by comedians in Portland, so it was horrible. No one got paid. People just doing cocaine in the bathroom. And he says that at the time he saw me and knew right away that I would be one of the better comedians in Portland. I say for the first couple months that we knew each other, he was a jerk.

Sasheer [00:11:03] Why was he a jerk?

Ron [00:11:05] I think because he didn’t want to invest in someone if they didn’t know if they were going to be around doing comedy for a while. And also, my first wife was around for a long time, and she was not nice. And they didn’t like each other.

Nicole [00:11:22] Oh, I see. Those pesky women getting between friendships.

Ron [00:11:28] Tale as old as time.

Sasheer [00:11:28] So when did you stop thinking he was a jerk? When was there a switch where you were like, “Oh, wait, we’re actually buds now”?

Ron [00:11:40] I think, like, six months in when I started enjoying the way that he would talk trash. And then also that I felt that he was right about my ex-wife.

Nicole [00:11:55] Classic male bonding over a bitch. Just kidding. I don’t know her.

Sasheer [00:12:02] “This guy’s insightful.”

Ron [00:12:04] Yeah, I was like, “Oh, he seems to know what’s up.” So, we just became friends since then. Been friends for, like, 15 years.

Sasheer [00:12:15] Oh, nice. Okay, well, within the 15 years, what is your favorite memory of traveling together?

Ron [00:12:23] I think my favorite memory of traveling together… I would break it down into there’s business and then for pleasure. For business, it was when me, him, and Blair Socci went to Madison, Wisconsin. And so, then we got a car to take us to the Wisconsin Dells. And we just went to Noah’s Ark and played around at the water park for the whole day and went down a lazy river and then went to Culver’s and got a concrete and some cheese curds. And it was just a beautiful day. I mean, it was just a fun day of friendship in a water park. But my overall favorite travel memory with Gabe was when we went to Amsterdam together with him and my mom and my son. And there was just the time where we were staying in this little hotel together. And my mom asked Gabe to roll her a joint. And I just walk in, and I see Gabe rolling my mom a joint, and it was just so wholesome. I was like, “This is so sweet and so fun.”

Sasheer [00:13:30] Family fun.

Nicole [00:13:32] Oh, that’s nice. Were you at all jealous that your mother did not ask you to roll her a joint?

Ron [00:13:37] No, I know my mom won’t smoke around me. We’ve never smoked together. She likes to maintain some air of, like, you know, just being above me. So, she’s like, “I can’t smoke with you.”

Sasheer [00:13:50] Yeah. Makes you two equal.

Nicole [00:13:54] Yeah, I get that. What is your favorite thing about Gabe?

Ron [00:14:00] My favorite thing about Gabe is that he is, like, just a true-blue dude. He’s just completely who he says he is, and he’s always there for you. He’s got your back no matter what. He’s honest in his opinion about things. He’s a great supporter. I like to go on the road with him, and I’ve gone on the road with other people. And, you know, I understand everybody has a different viewpoint on things. But whatever I need done, Gabe will do. If I need him to, like, do 25, 30 minutes because I don’t have enough time at the time, he can do that. If I need him to go sell merch for me and wait for me to come out because I don’t feel like coming out for like ten, 15 minutes and just have him push to merch for me, he’ll do that. Whatever I need him to do, he shows no ego or no push back. He’s, like, one of the best supporters I’ve ever met. Hmm.

Nicole [00:14:57] That’s sweet. I like that. I also like you taking time for yourself before meeting the people.

Ron [00:15:04] You gotta take five to ten because if not, you get the people who don’t give a fuck who are just like, “Oh, well, he’s there. Let me take a picture with him.” But if you give them that ten, the people who know or the people who want to wait will wait that ten minutes, and then the other people will be gone. So, it’s great.

Sasheer [00:15:21] That’s actually really smart because then you’re not standing there taking pictures with everybody who came. The ones who are, like, so-so can just leave.

Ron [00:15:28] Yeah, the ones who are like, “What’s your name again?”

Nicole [00:15:34] It’s like, “You watched me do an hour of comedy. The least you could do is say, “Hi, Ron.”

Ron [00:15:41] “No, you can go. Go away.”

Sasheer [00:15:42] Okay. If you had to guess, what do you think Gabe’s favorite thing is about you?

Ron [00:15:54] I mean, I think it’s that I’m a really good friend. I’m a really good gift giver. I don’t think that he would say it like that. It’s not a monetary thing. I just think that I’ve always supported him and pushed him in anything that he does. And I believe in him. And I always see the best in the people around me and sometimes in a frustrating way to them, where I’m like, “You could be doing more.” And so, I think that just how much I always push him–how much I always believe in him–hopefully will be what he said.

Nicole [00:16:27] I like that. I like friendships where people are pushing each other to be the best they can be–not anything else–just, like, the top of what you can do.

Ron [00:16:37] Yeah, exactly. Gabe had my back on everything–my specials, my anything that I’m doing–he’s always there looking out for me. We give each other tags and notes on jokes. And it’s just cool when you know someone for so long who knows your voice and knows you as a real human being. One of the greatest gifts Gabe ever gave me was that there was a time where after I did my first special and I was a little bit… I didn’t know exactly how to proceed. I was like, “Oh, well, my jokes were about, like, riding the bus and doing this and then that. I don’t ride the bus anymore, and I don’t want to ever ride the bus anymore. I don’t know if I can sell the same person as being in this, like… I’m just this for-the-people guy, who doesn’t have money and…” And Gabe was like, “That’s not who you are. You never sold that. You sell freedom and joy, and you can do that whatever amount of money you make. So just keep doing that.: And I was like, “Oh, that really changed the way I wrote from that day forward.”

Sasheer [00:17:52] Oh, wow. That’s so helpful.

Nicole [00:17:56] It’s very helpful to be like, “Yeah, the amount of money you have doesn’t make who you are. Yeah, you are a joyful person.”

Sasheer [00:18:05] Yeah.

Ron [00:18:07] It just makes more sense now.

Nicole [00:18:12] Well, what is something you, Ron, does that drives Gabe crazy?

Ron [00:18:17] Oh, what do I do that drives Gabe crazy? I’m trying to think of things where he goes, “Buddy. Buddy. Come on.” I mean, there’s probably times, like, when I’m congested and I make that noise where I’m clearing my throat. I know he hates that for sure. I wouldn’t even subject you guys to it.

Nicole [00:18:46] I kind of want to hear it.

Sasheer [00:18:47] I hear a lot of our listeners.

Ron [00:18:54] Like that? You know? You know that one?

Nicole [00:18:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Ron [00:18:57] Yeah, he hates that for sure.

Nicole [00:18:59] No, I can see that.

Ron [00:19:03] I hated it when my dad did it. I was like, “Oh no, I’ve got it now.”

Sasheer [00:19:11] I know. Isn’t it weird when we’re like, “Oh no, this thing that my parents were doing that was so embarrassing–now I’m doing it.”?

Ron [00:19:16] Yeah, all the time.

Sasheer [00:19:18] I stretch in public. My mom would just put her knee up on a fence and just start stretching. I’m like, “Oh my God. Can you wait till we get home?” Now I’m doing that. I use my environment as my Pilates.

Nicole [00:19:36] I like it. Maybe it’ll inspire someone else to stretch. They’ll be like, “I am tight.” And then everyone will just be stretching in Erewhon. I don’t know where you grocery shop.

Sasheer [00:19:45] I definitely don’t grocery shop at Erewhon.

Ron [00:19:50] That’s just for snacks.

Sasheer [00:19:53] Yeah. You can’t get a meal there. It’d cost $5,000.

Ron [00:19:56] Yeah. No one can afford a full meal. And then I think he also… What else does he hate when I do? I can’t think of anything else. I’m delightful, truly.

Sasheer [00:20:12] Yeah. We don’t need many things.

Nicole [00:20:17] Yeah, just one.

Sasheer [00:20:19] Okay. What is something that Gabe does that drives you crazy?

Ron [00:20:24] I hate it when he does impressions. I just don’t enjoy them. He’s good at them. I just hate them so much.

Sasheer [00:20:32] Of, like, celebrities or people you know?

Nicole [00:20:34] Yeah, what’s the worst impression?

Ron [00:20:36] Donald Trump. He does a Donald Trump all the time that I hate. Or a Bernie Sanders. Whenever he does political impressions, I’m like, “Hey, can you go fuck yourself right now?”

Sasheer [00:20:47] Does he know he’s not good at it?

Ron [00:20:55] No, he is good at it!

Sasheer [00:20:55] Oh, he’s good at it. But you just don’t like it?

Ron [00:20:59] It’s off-putting to me to do that. It’s not like we’re onstage. This is just in conversation.

Sasheer [00:21:05] Oh, interesting.

Ron [00:21:16] Your face! “I also don’t know if I’d enjoy that.”

Sasheer [00:21:20] I don’t know if I would.

Nicole [00:21:20] I don’t know if I would either. I’m just like, “You’re telling me a story about Donald Trump, and you have to do the impression? I barely want to hear about this person, let alone see an impression at my dinner table.”

Sasheer [00:21:33] Yeah, exactly. You get it.

Nicole [00:21:36] Yeah, I get it. I’m on board. I hate that about Gabe, too.

Sasheer [00:21:38] We gotta tell him about this.

Nicole [00:21:42] Yeah, tell him about himself.

Ron [00:21:47] Please.

Sasheer [00:21:47] Okay. Which one of you would you better on the televised series Survivor?

Ron [00:21:56] Oh, on Survivor? Probably Gabe, for sure, because he doesn’t need much to live. He’s been basically living the life of Survivor for the past ten years until he managed to find a woman with a six-figure job to take pity on him. Up until then, he was struggling and just living like a castaway.

Nicole [00:22:30] I love that. Okay. Wait. Do you think you would do good on Survivor?

Ron [00:22:35] No, not at all. Not at all.

Sasheer [00:22:39] He doesn’t take buses anymore.

Ron [00:22:42] I mean, most of the time, if I’m in a beachy area, it’s resort based. So, I don’t feel like that’s going to go well. There’s a lot of lying and subterfuge. And if people think I’m lying, I get real mad. It’s one of my biggest issues. If someone thinks I’m lying and I’m not lying, I start to get infuriated. Oh, so I don’t think I would do well at the game.

Nicole [00:23:13] I don’t think so either. What do you hope that you’re both doing in 20 years, the year 2043?

Ron [00:23:23] I hope that we’re both working together still in comedy. Hopefully, in the grand scheme of things, I would love it if I was hosting some… I mean, if it’s 20 years from now, then I hope I’m hosting The Price Is Right and Gabe is my lead writer or whatever he could get.

Sasheer [00:23:42] “Whatever he could get.”

Nicole [00:23:48] “Whatever they hire him as!”

Ron [00:23:53] “Whatever they allow him to come on as.” He’s good. We worked together before. Probably the most fun time in our life was that little period of time when Quibi was the dream. And everybody knew, but they’re still like, “Hey, no one else is giving me a show! Let me go over here. Fuck it.” And, you know, we did a game show together. And he was a writer, and I was the host and it was, like, one of if not the only time where I was like, “Oh man, we’re getting our version–our style humor–out at a bigger scale. We have fun everyday–improvised different stuff. I felt good at it. He made me feel more secure in it when I was doing it–having him there. And it’s just like, “This is what I want to do, so hopefully that’s what we will be doing.”

Sasheer [00:24:41] I love that.

Nicole [00:24:42] I love that. I think it’ll happen. What’s your favorite meal at Petit Trois? That’s where your hat is from, right?

Ron [00:24:51] Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:52] Okay. What’s your favorite meal from there?

Ron [00:24:55] Well, my favorite meal right now is unavailable, because they’ve taken it off for the season.

Sasheer [00:25:05] Oh no!

Ron [00:25:05] I know, but I’m waiting. He said it’ll be back by winter. But my favorite meal–just go there for lunch, get that warm goat cheese salad, which is a delight, and their crab cake, which is large and plentiful and more crab than cake. And it is a delightful lunch for any time you want it. Not too heavy. Not too light. Perfect.

Nicole [00:25:30] It’s like a spring day of food. Have you taken Gabe there?

Ron [00:25:35] To Petit Trois? No. We will either do, like, bigger meals or just real casual meals. Petit Trois is kind of more my, like, second date place if I enjoy you because I also know the manager there. So, he’ll come by and bring extra things and make me look good, you know? And so that’s always a delight when you’re like, “Oh, also try this. How are you doing, Ron? It always makes me look good. So, I tend to take dates there.”

Sasheer [00:26:07] Very smart.

Nicole [00:26:09] Smart. All right, Ron. That’s it for this. We’re going to talk to Gabe and see if you actually know each other.

Ron [00:26:16] Let’s find out.

Sasheer [00:26:17] Let’s find out.

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Nicole [00:27:34] Okay, Gabe. We’re here to ask the hard-hitting questions about your relationship with Ron. First stop–how did you two meet?

Gabe [00:27:46] So I know the answer to this–when we met. I’m going to go as specific as possible. I think it was 2007 in Portland, Oregon, at Harvey’s Comedy Club when Ron did his first open mic.

Sasheer [00:28:01] Oooh, okay.

Nicole [00:28:03] All right. And do you remember anything about the first interaction that the two of you had or when you became friends?

Gabe [00:28:10] So the first interaction–he’s going to have a different story than me–he always says that I was a bit of an asshole the first time we met.

Sasheer [00:28:19] Do you disagree?

Gabe [00:28:20] I do. I mean, I get where he’s coming from, but I was trying to be nice.

Sasheer [00:28:28] What did you say?

Gabe [00:28:29] So, you know, Ron was really good his first time just right out of the gate. And so, at the time, you know, Portland didn’t really have much of a comedy scene, so there wasn’t a lot to motivate you to keep going. So, I used to tell people who I thought were funny after their first set, “The easiest thing to do in stand-up is to quit.” And so, it was my way of saying, like, “I think you should keep going. Like, it’s going to be hard. You should keep going.” But I said it in this weird kind of riddle that, you know, kind of made me come off as an asshole. But it was my way of being like, “I think you’re really funny. Like, don’t take the easy route. Like, do the work.”

Sasheer [00:29:16] Yeah. But I think most people just want to hear, “Hey, I think you’re really funny. Stick around.”

Nicole [00:29:22] “You did a good job.”

Gabe [00:29:24] In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best way to give encouragement.

Sasheer [00:29:29] Maybe you’re the reason Portland didn’t have a good comedy scene. You kept telling everyone to quit. “I thought I did a good job. This guy came up to me after the show and told me that the easiest thing to do is quit. So, I guess I should get out of here.”

Gabe [00:29:43] Well, good if you take the easy way.

Sasheer [00:29:46] Yeah, that’s true. They couldn’t hack it. What is your favorite memory of traveling with Ron?

Gabe [00:29:57] My favorite memory of traveling with Ron was probably when we went to Amsterdam, and it was only three or four days. And on the last day we were going to get this apple pie. It’s, like, a world-famous apple pie.

Nicole [00:30:13] It’s so fucking good. I can’t remember the cafe, but it’s delightful.

Gabe [00:30:19] Neither can I.

Nicole [00:30:20] There’s a green awning.

Gabe [00:30:22] On the way there, I saw this stupid, stupid waffle that looked like it was a German chocolate cake. And I was like, “Oh, I want that instead of the apple pie.” And it was the most stale… It had been in the window all day. It was awful. And Ron got the apple pie. And he’s like, “Bet you regret not getting that apple pie now.” And to this day, it is… So that’s probably one of my favorites. The Amsterdam trip or when he recorded his special. That was an awesome trip.

Sasheer [00:30:58] Oh, nice. Where was it?

Gabe [00:31:04] It was up in Seattle, so it was kind of back up in the Northwest. But, you know, it was just one of the coolest moments in the world. You know, two sold out shows. He crushed it. We wrote a little intro for it. I mean, it was just amazing. It was the coolest weekend ever.

Nicole [00:31:26] Oh, I love that. Did you get to taste the apple pie, at least?

Gabe [00:31:30] He did. He gave me a small bite. I was like, “Do you want to try some of my stupid waffle?” And he’s like, “No. No, I don’t.” And even when he went to Amsterdam recently, he’s like, “I got the pie again.” Someday I will get that pie.

Nicole [00:31:58] One day. What is your favorite thing about Ron?

Gabe [00:32:01] My favorite thing about Ron is he’s super loyal. He’s believed in me in times where I didn’t believe in myself. He’s always been encouraging. He’s just there for me. Like, I know no matter what, I could turn to him. And I love that. And, you know, he’s funny. We laugh together. He’s just a very genuine person. And I think that’s super rare.

Sasheer [00:32:35] That’s so sweet.

Nicole [00:32:36] I love that.

Sasheer [00:32:38] I love that. Sometimes Nicole believes in me a little too much. She thinks I can float, and I can’t.

Nicole [00:32:44] I really do believe you can float. And I’m going to get you in a pool soon. This is a threat and a promise.

Sasheer [00:32:53] It sounds like a threat.

Nicole [00:32:55] I’m going to get you in a pool. I’m going to get you in some water. And we’re going to float. And you’re going to fucking love it.

Sasheer [00:33:00] We already tried this.

Nicole [00:33:02] No, listen. But we didn’t do it in a pool.

Gabe [00:33:04] Floating is the best.

Sasheer [00:33:06] It seems great.

Nicole [00:33:07] We did it in a jacuzzi.

Sasheer [00:33:09] I guess. But I feel like we’ve also been in multiple pools together, and it just… And it’s okay! I’ve accepted it. I’m one of a few percent of people who cannot float.

Nicole [00:33:20] You can float, and we’re going to do it. And I can’t fucking wait. I’m going to hold you, I’m going to slowly lift my hand away, you’re going to float, I’m going to be like, “You’re doing it,” and then you’re going to get scared and unfloat. But we’re going to build your fucking confidence, okay? You will fucking float!

Gabe [00:33:35] Yep.

Nicole [00:33:40] Don’t jump on this, Gabe!

Gabe [00:33:42] I am all for floating is the best.

Nicole [00:33:45] Thank you, Gabe.

Gabe [00:33:47] Gotta float.

Sasheer [00:33:47] All right, fine. We’ll try again for the 27th time. But I really believe I will not be able to do it.

Nicole [00:33:54] Listen, we’re going to do a whole thing beforehand where we’re going to do affirmations that you can float. It’s going to be great.

Sasheer [00:34:03] That’s the problem because it’s all in my head.

Gabe [00:34:06] That’s totally it.

Sasheer [00:34:08] I don’t think so. I think it’s my body.

Nicole [00:34:10] No, don’t blame your body. That beautiful, bodacious body that gets you around. Don’t blame it. My body is dense. It’s dense as hell.

Gabe [00:34:21] Slow, shallow breaths. Just stay calm and be in the moment.

Nicole [00:34:26] Gabe, Gabe, Gabe.

Sasheer [00:34:26] Okay. If you had to guess, what do you think Ron’s favorite thing is about you?

Gabe [00:34:39] Probably that I’m loyal. Once I love someone, I’m all in. So, yeah, I would have his back for whatever. I’m reliable. I guess those are kind of the same thing. But, like, if I say I’m going to do something, I do it. And, I mean, hopefully that I’m funny. That matters to me, so.

Sasheer [00:35:06] Yeah. That’s a good quality to have.

Gabe [00:35:09] I do think that, like, he and I just share a very similar language in comedy. Generally, if there’s something he thinks is funny, I will agree and vice versa. We just kind of speak that same comedy language.

Nicole [00:35:27] That’s I think important to a friendship where you’re both funny people. Even if you’re not in comedy, you got to be tee-hee-heeing at the same fucking shit.

Gabe [00:35:38] For sure.

Nicole [00:35:41] What is something that you do that drives Ron crazy.

Gabe [00:35:46] I guess I could be a bit of a know-it-all about things I don’t know very much about. I mean, I’m getting better at it, but sometimes, when people are like, “Oh, I wonder why the sky is blue,” I would just say some shit that makes sense to me without knowing if it’s necessarily true.

Sasheer [00:36:10] Is it because you think that you like, like, heard a fact at some point in your life and you’re saying it. Or are you truly just, like, guessing?

Gabe [00:36:18] No, I mean, I think that I’ve heard this before, but then if someone’s like, “Where’d you hear it?” I’m like, “I could have just made it up.” But yeah. Ron has warned significant others of mine, “Double check whatever he says.” Just asinine facts. It’s never anything, you know, important.

Nicole [00:36:44] You say, “I love you,” and she goes up on Google and is like, “Does he love me?”

Sasheer [00:36:49] “Or is he making that up.”

Gabe [00:36:52] No, but if I tell you why there’s a highway system instead of a railway system, like, definitely double check that.

Sasheer [00:37:04] Okay. What is something that Ron does that drives you crazy?

Gabe [00:37:12] I guess communication would be the hardest thing. Sometimes you’ll text him and you just won’t hear from him for a while. And I get it. He’s busy. So, I mean that’s probably the most annoying thing. It’s just, you know, reliability. It’s fine if you’re going to be two hours late, just tell me you’re going to be two hours late.

Sasheer [00:37:36] Is it fine?

Gabe [00:37:39] Look, I get it. You know, life happens, but just give me a heads up. Give me a heads up in the first hour.

Sasheer [00:37:48] Have you brought this up to Ron before?

Gabe [00:37:50] Not really because it really isn’t, like… You know, that’s if I had to pick something. You know, he’s a pretty solid friend.

Sasheer [00:38:02] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but even if people are solid, you still gotta let them know.

Gabe [00:38:13] And again, it’s not that big of a deal.

Nicole [00:38:16] Fair. You do seem pretty chill about it. Here’s another question coming at you. You remember the show on CBS, Survivor?

Gabe [00:38:24] Yes.

Nicole [00:38:25] Who would do better on it?

Gabe [00:38:29] The short answer is I would do better. I think he would be more entertaining. He would get more clips in the commercials than I would, but I think I’d place further.

Sasheer [00:38:42] And why do you think you would do better?

Gabe [00:38:45] Because… I don’t know. I just think I can sleep on the ground better than he could. But again, that’s where he would be entertaining. I’d just be like, “Well, I guess I’ll just lay in this ditch until morning.”

Nicole [00:39:05] I’d watch the show if I saw that in the commercial. “I’m going to my ditch.”

Gabe [00:39:11] Ron would be like, “I’m not laying in that.” He would be much more entertaining. But I’d probably get further. I still wouldn’t win.

Sasheer [00:39:21] You would just get along further.

Gabe [00:39:24] Yeah. Like, I would be the next person to be sent home.

Sasheer [00:39:29] Okay. Last question. What do you hope you’re both doing 20 years from now?

Gabe [00:39:37] I mean, hopefully eating apple pie in Amsterdam.

Sasheer [00:39:42] Finally. After 20 years, you finally get that pie.

Gabe [00:39:46] I think it’ll be time. Yeah. No, I just hope we’re still talking shit, vacationing, laughing… You know, I guess we’ll be, like, 60 then. So, I guess I hope we’re still doing stand-up, but in a way that’s fun and not desperate. Yeah. I hope we’re still having fun together.

Sasheer [00:40:13] I love that.

Nicole [00:40:14] I love it, too. “Fun and not desperate.” 60-year-old comedians.

Sasheer [00:40:19] That is key.

Nicole [00:40:19] Yes, it really is.

Sasheer [00:40:23] It could go either way, honestly.

Gabe [00:40:24] It really can.

Sasheer [00:40:27] Okay. Now we’re going to bring Ron back, compare your questions, and see if you two really are friends.

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Nicole [00:41:48] All right. We’ve got the two people here. We’ve got a Ron and a Gabe. And we’re going to compare your answers to see what friendship is. We asked, “How did you two meet?” Ron said, “We met in Portland, Oregon, at a Comedy West Side, run by comedians in Portland. It was run horribly. Nobody got paid.” Gabe saw Ron and knew that he was going to be a good comedian. And in the first few months, Ron said Gabe was a jerk and he didn’t want to invest in a comedian if they weren’t going to last. Also, Gabe did not get along with his wife. But six months in, Ron liked how he talked trash. And then he was right about his ex-wife, and they’ve been friends for 15 years. Gabe said, “We met in 2007 in Portland, Oregon, at Harvey’s Comedy Club when Ron did his first open mic.” He says that Ron says he was a bit of an asshole when they met, but Gabe disagrees. He was just trying to be nice. Ron is really great out of the gate, and Portland didn’t have a strong comedy scene, so Gabe would tell people the easiest thing to do in comedy is quit. He was trying to give encouragement but came off like an asshole.

Gabe [00:43:05] It could have been comedy Club West Side as well.

Ron [00:43:08] I mean either one. I also said it could have been Harvey’s. I mentioned both.

Nicole [00:43:13] You did mention both. But yeah. Friends.

Sasheer [00:43:17] Yeah. That was good. All right. Then we asked, “What is your favorite memory of traveling together?” Ron broke it up into categories. Favorite memory of traveling for a business is when you went to Madison, Wisconsin, with Blair. You went to a water park and played on the Lazy River. And it was a beautiful day. And then favorite memory of traveling was in Amsterdam with Gabe and Ron’s mom. “And we walked.” And then Gabe was rolling a joint for Ron’s mother, and it was super sweet. And Gabe said, “My favorite memory of traveling with Ron is we went to Amsterdam, and we were going to get this world-famous apple pie. And on the way there I saw a stupid waffle, and I was like, “I want that instead of the pie.” And he hated it. It was stale. It was awful. And I was like, “Oh, I bet you wish you had that apple pie.”

Ron [00:44:08] One of the best desserts I’ve ever had in my life.

Nicole [00:44:13] And then Gabe also said one of his favorite childhood memories is when Ron shot his special in Seattle. He said, “He crushed it and it was amazing.”

Ron [00:44:23] Aw, I remember that, too. That was fun. And then we went to Ocean Prime.

Nicole [00:44:27] Ooh, the steak house?

Ron [00:44:29] Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:31] That’s a nice swim.

Gabe [00:44:32] The waterslide park was another one, but I was just thinking travel. But yeah, that’s a good one.

Ron [00:44:38] Well, we got to Amsterdam, and you told the other story that I would have told. But I thought that it would make you look like an idiot.

Gabe [00:44:47] That haunts me.

Nicole [00:44:52] We asked, “What’s your favorite thing about your friend?” Ron said, “My favorite thing about Gabe is he’s a true-blue dude. He’s completely who he says he is. He always has your back. He’s a great supporter. Whatever I need done, he’ll do it. If I need him to sell merch or do 15 more minutes of time, he’ll do it. He shows no ego–no pushback whatsoever. He’s the best supporter I’ve ever met.” Gabe said, “My favorite thing about Ron is he is super loyal. He’s believed in me in times I didn’t believe in myself. He’s just there for me. I know no matter what I can turn to him. He’s a genuine person, and that is rare.”

Ron [00:45:25] Oh, you make me cry.

Gabe [00:45:28] I’m, like, tearing up over here.

Nicole [00:45:31] I love that! That’s friendship!

Sasheer [00:45:34] Yeah, we love hearing people talk about their friends.

Nicole [00:45:37] It’s sweet.

Ron [00:45:38] Yeah, it’s important.

Gabe [00:45:40] I love it.

Nicole [00:45:41] Okay, then we asked, “What is your friend’s favorite thing about you?” Ron said, “Gabe’s favorite thing about me is that I’m a really good friend, I’m a great gift giver, I’ve always believed in him and have pushed him. And I think he likes how much I believe in him and how much I push him to be the best he can be. And one of the greatest gifts that he has given me was telling me that I can sell freedom and joy and make people laugh that way through my pure joy. And that has honestly helped me with my writing.” And then Gabe said, “Ron’s favorite thing about me is that I’m loyal. Once I love someone, I’m all in. I’m reliable. And if I say I’m going to do something, I do it. I’m funny, and we share a similar language in comedy.”

Ron [00:46:24] Yeah, he’s right. That does sound correct.

Sasheer [00:46:27] Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:29] It’s so sweet. So, then we asked, “What’s something you do that drives your friend crazy?” Ron said, “The thing I do that drives Gabe crazy is when I’m congested, I make that sound to clear my voice or my throat. My dad used to do it. It sounds awful. Now I do it. Also, I can’t think of anything else. I’m delightful.”

Gabe [00:46:47] I’ve never noticed that sound.

Nicole [00:46:53] Gabe said, “I could be a know-it-all about things. I don’t know much. I could be a know-it-all about things I don’t know much about. When someone asks a question, I would say some shit that made sense to me, whether it’s true or not. I think if I’m grabbing info about something in the past, I could be making it up. It’s always about asinine facts. Ron’s always like, ‘You better double check that.’”

Ron [00:47:14] The more sure Gabe is about it, the more I go. “I should double check. He sounds real certain.”

Sasheer [00:47:18] Can you think of what’s the last ridiculous thing that Gabe was so sure about that was actually, like, not true?

Ron [00:47:34] It’s usually just simple things, like directions to the way of a place, the time we’re supposed to be at something…

Sasheer [00:47:41] Oh no. Really important things.

Ron [00:47:47] And it’s just the tone. He gets a real white man tone. “I know where we’re going.” I’m just like, “All right. Well, I don’t think you do.”

Sasheer [00:48:01] We asked, “What’s something your friend does that drives you crazy?” Ron says, “I hate it when he does impressions. He’s good at that. I just don’t enjoy it. The worst is his Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders. It’s off-putting to me. And they happen in conversation, not the stage.” And then Gabe said, “Communication is the hardest thing. Sometimes you’ll text him, and you won’t hear from him in a while. And it’s fine if you’re going to be, like, two hours late, but just give me a heads up.”

Ron [00:48:42] Isn’t my lack of response saying something?

Gabe [00:48:52] He can be very late. He can be very late.

Nicole [00:49:03] We asked, “Which of you would do better on Survivor?” Ron said, “Gabe, for sure. He doesn’t need much to live. He’s been living like he’s on Survivor for ten years until he met a woman to take care of him. Other than that, he’s living like Castaway.” Ron said he would not be good on Survivor. “If someone thinks I’m lying and I’m not, I hate it.” Gabe said, “Eh, I would do better. Ron would be more entertaining. He would get more clips in the commercials. But I would place better. I think I could sleep better on the ground than he can. I would just lay in a ditch till morning. Ron would definitely not do that. He would be more entertaining.”

Ron [00:49:45] “I’m living in a ditch.”

Gabe [00:49:48] I’m sitting in a closet right now.

Sasheer [00:49:55] And lastly, we asked, “What do you hope you’re both doing 20 years from now?” Ron said, “I hope we’re both working together and still in comedy. I hope I’m hosting Price Is Right and Gabe is the lead writer or whatever he can get. The most fun time in our life was when we did a Quibi show, and it was a dream because we did a game show together where he was a writer, and I was the host. And it was the only time where we were getting our style of humor out in a massive way.” Gabe said, “Hopefully eating apple pie in Amsterdam. I hope we’re still talking shit, vacationing, laughing, doing stand-up in a fun way and not in a desperate way. And I hope we’re still having fun together.”

Ron [00:50:39] Well, I’m really glad you made that… Lord knows I don’t want to be doing the desperate way. I don’t want to have to go to LOL in San Antonio.

Gabe [00:50:55] We need to make sure we never go back there.

Nicole [00:50:56] What happened at LOL?

Ron [00:51:01] We just had a horrible time. Sets were mediocre. Every time that it comes back up, people act like we had horrible sets. I don’t feel like that was the case. Were they great sets? No. Absolutely not. But we weren’t, like, unprofessional. They’re just not fun. And we were staying at a hotel that was having a police officer’s ball, so we moved and left there. And then any time we went to go smoke weed, people were staring at us–made us feel real uncomfortable.

Gabe [00:51:33] The HDMI cord in your room was all… Someone had shoved, like, a screwdriver in the TV.

Sasheer [00:51:39] Oh, my God.

Ron [00:51:41] I couldn’t hook up my video game system. We ended up going to Target and buying a TV so we could play video games just so that we had something to do. And returning it at the end of the trip. And the club just played the Beatles anthology the whole freaking time, and there’s not a lot of upbeat songs on that.

Gabe [00:52:01] They’re playing the most down… Like, Eleanor Rigby and shit before we were coming on stage.

Sasheer [00:52:05] “Get ready for comedy!”

Ron [00:52:10] So I just tweeted out that we had a bad time there, and then it ended up on the local news.

Nicole [00:52:18] O I mean, that’s a testament to what’s going on in San Antonio.

Sasheer [00:52:23] That’s the most interesting thing.

Ron [00:52:27] The whole story was: “Guy we don’t know don’t like us.” Let it go. But I end up getting a bunch of death threats and stuff.

Sasheer [00:52:42] That’s crazy.

Ron [00:52:43] Just telling me to stay out of San Antonio. And I said, “No problem.”

Nicole [00:52:52] Damn Well, on that note, you guys are friends!

Sasheer [00:52:55] Yeah! You passed! Yeah. This is very fun. We can see the love between you two.

Nicole [00:53:04] Yeah. Thank you guys so much for doing this.

Ron [00:53:07] It’s a pleasure. It’s fun to hear those things said out loud.

Gabe [00:53:11] Yeah. That was really fun.

Sasheer [00:53:12] Good. Thank you, guys.

Ron [00:53:15] Thank you.

Nicole [00:53:16] Bye!

Gabe [00:53:16] Bye!

Nicole [00:53:19] Okay, that’s it for this episode of Best Friends. We didn’t take any calls, concerns, or questions, but you definitely can do that if you want for other episodes. Oh, smooth. And the email is nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. And the number is 424-645-7003.

Sasheer [00:53:37] We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

Nicole [00:53:40] And transcripts or something we got too for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

Sasheer [00:53:46] Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support this show!

Nicole [00:53:51] It sure is.

Barilla [00:54:02] Barilla knows when your day goes a little like this… There’s nothing better than coming home to–

Nicole [00:54:17] Hey, dinner’s almost ready.

Sasheer [00:54:20] Thank you.

Barilla [00:54:22] Count on Barilla’s always perfect al dente pasta. And enjoy the recipe for togetherness. Since 1877, Barilla–a sign of love.