EP. 238 — Re-Release: Sasheer Saw Usher in Vegas! – LIVE

 

SASHEER: Hi friends. It’s Sasheer.

 

NICOLE: And Nicole here. This holiday season we’re taking some time off.

 

SASHEER: We’re sharing another Best Friends episode where we recorded live at the Largo Theater in Los Angeles.

 

NICOLE: We shared all about our Vegas trip last year–from my longawaited striptease at Magic Mike to the insane time we had at the Criss Angel show. I can assure you it was amazing.

 

SASHEER: Have a listen and enjoy.

 

JORDAN: Welcome to the Best Friends Podcast. Please give a warm welcome to Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata!

 

NICOLE: Oh no. Are you okay? Drink up. Drink up. Oh no. Oh, are you all right? S

 

SASHEER: Something went down the wrong pipe. That was a horrible way to come out. I was choking on the walk.

 

NICOLE: Were you?

 

SASHEER: I’m okay, though.

 

NICOLE: Why didn’t you say, “Stop the walk”? I guess that would have been insane.

 

SASHEER: No, no, it’s fine.

 

NICOLE: Thanks for coming out.

 

SASHEER: That’s Nicole Byer.

 

NICOLE: That’s Sasheer Zamata.

 

SASHEER: And this is a live recording of our podcast called Best Friends.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I know what we’re doing.

 

SASHEER: Look at these sweaters that Nicole brought.

 

NICOLE: Sasheer was like, “Can you send a picture?” And I was like, “A surprise is not what you want? I’ll give you the colors and the animals,” because I had three sweaters. So, I said, “Pink, blue, black monkey, catfish.”

 

SASHEER: Because I knew she was going to bring something for us to match. And I just wanted to know what pants to wear. And I was like, “Can I get an idea?” And she was like, “Monkey, fish, cat. And I was like, “I guess I’ll go black pants then.”

 

NICOLE: You did good. The green in your shoes kind of picks up the green in the palm tree.

 

SASHEER: I’m so glad.

 

NICOLE: And for the people who are a little further back, the buttons have bananas on them. And then at the bottom, the monkeys are hanging out.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. I guess for people who are listening to this…

 

NICOLE: Yes. Pink monkeys.

 

SASHEER: The sweater is pink. There are monkeys on it–on the bottom, hanging out. Buttons are bananas.

 

NICOLE: Buttons are bananas and palm trees, little sequins–it’s a good time. Yeah, it’s from this company. I think it’s called Quacker.

 

SASHEER: No. “Quacker?”

 

NICOLE: I think. Look at the tag.

 

SASHEER: Why don’t you look at the tag? You gave me a difficult task.

 

NICOLE: Because my wig. Sorry. Oh my God. Imagine Sasheer just started stripping.

 

SASHEER: It’s not from Quacker. It says, “Jack B Quick.” I guess there is a “Q” in there.

 

NICOLE: Well, I thought they were all from the same company. I swear, one of them is Quacker.

 

SASHEER: Well, are these vintage, or are these new?

 

NICOLE: These are vintage, friend.

 

SASHEER: Well, then, so is the company…?

 

NICOLE: There’s a company, I think. Jordan. Can you–?

 

SASHEER: We have Jordan! Jordan on the keys today.

 

NICOLE: No, Jordan jamming. Jammin’ Jordan.

 

JORDAN: Jordan on the Jeeves.

 

NICOLE: Oooh. Jordan on the Jeeves.

 

SASHEER: Who uses Jeeves?

 

NICOLE: Jordan does. Jordan’s sponsored by Jeeves.

 

SASHEER: If you type in anything at askjeeves.com, I’m going to walk off the stage.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Could you look up Quacker Factory? I’m pretty sure that’s the name of the brand. Quacker Factory. See?

 

SASHEER: Ohhh. Okay.

 

NICOLE: Oh, and they still sell on QVC. What does QVC stand for?

 

SASHEER: Quality… Very… Cool. Now we’re looking up what is QVC.

 

NICOLE: Jordan’s jammin’!

 

SASHEER: “Quality value convenience.”

 

NICOLE: Ew. We don’t like it. Who came up with that? “Quality value convenience.” Some man. Ew. I don’t like it, Sasheer. Not one bit.

 

SASHEER: We just got back from Vegas this morning.

 

NICOLE: Boy, we had an adventure.

 

SASHEER: We did everything you could possibly do in Vegas… Except gamble. We didn’t gamble once.

 

NICOLE: Yes, I did! I lost $20 in 30 seconds.

 

SASHEER: Oh, that’s true. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: There was a nasty little slot machine with a little pig on it.

 

SASHEER: Was it Rakin’ Bacon?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Raking Bacon. And I kept passing it, and I was like, “Sasheer, I’ve got to play it.” And then it took my money so quick.

 

SASHEER: Really confusing.

 

NICOLE: Does anyone here know how to play slots? You know how to play?

 

SASHEER: There was a gentle wave in the crowd.

 

NICOLE: Can you go to that microphone and explain to us how to play slots? I need to know! I want to rake that bacon!

 

MATT: Okay, so, like…

 

NICOLE: Wait, what’s your name?

 

MATT: My name is Matt.

 

Nicole & Sasheer Hi, Matt.

 

MATT: Hi. I didn’t expect to be on mic. Okay. That’s okay. So, there’s, like, different slots. There’s, like, ones where it’s, like, high volatile where it’s one of those that’s just going to take your money, but the payout is going to be really big. So, like those you put a lot of money in, but you could do little small bets. And all you want are those big bonus games, where it’s like “woo, woo,” and wheels and whatnot. And then you have the old school, like, “ka-ching, ka-ching” ones. Those ones you can play with, like, a high bet–play for a while and you’ll get some back and stuff.

 

NICOLE: Nothing you said made sense.

 

MATT: It doesn’t make sense.

 

SASHEER: So, is there a strategy or–?

 

MATT: There’s not really a strategy. I’m, like, obsessed with this on TikTok. All I do is watch slots on TikTok. I swear to God, it’s…

 

NICOLE: I love this.

 

MATT: It’s such a niche thing. And, like, I’m obsessed with it. And I’ve seen the Rakin’ Bacon one. I’ve watched that.

 

NICOLE: Isn’t the pig so cute?

 

MATT: It’s so cute. And then have you seen the ones with the yellow and blue and red pig, and they get bigger and bigger and bigger?

 

NICOLE: You are deep in this.

 

MATT: It’s fully my ADHD go-to. Like, swear to God. They’re ten-minute-long videos, and I’ll sit there and just be like, “Ding, ding, ding.”

 

SASHEER: But what’s on the video? Is it people playing the game?

 

MATT: It’s literally somebody playing the slot machine.

 

NICOLE: That’s like when kids watch other kids unbox videos. But that’s sad. This is fun.

 

MATT: This is fun.

 

NICOLE: That’s, like, so sad to me–a child being like, “What’s this child going to open that I don’t have?”

 

SASHEER: I thought that was, like, to review the product.

 

NICOLE: Oh, I truly thought it was to be like, “I wish I could.”

 

SASHEER: I thought it was like, “Oh, I’m thinking about buying an Xbox.” So, they’re like, “Here’s the Xbox. It does this and that. And this is what the packaging looks like.”

 

NICOLE: I truly thought I was just like, “I didn’t get you shit, but watch this.” That’s such a big indication I shouldn’t be a mom. I have a question.

 

MATT: Yes.

 

NICOLE: So, you said do small bets. So, like, hit the lowest thing over and over again?

 

MATT: Yeah. So, they’ll be anywhere from, like, $0.50 to, like, $5, right? So, if it’s one of those, like, big bonus ones–like I think the Rakin’ Bacon one is–you want to do the little, small ones, and then you want to get that big bonus thing because that’s where the payout is.

 

NICOLE: How do you get to the bonus?

 

MATT: It’s all numbers and luck. It’s luck.

 

NICOLE: Because people stare at it like they’re strategizing.

 

MATT: So, in the rabbit hole that I’ve gone into, they’re like, “If the major bonus is really high or the grand is really high, there’s a really high chance it’s going to go off. But if it’s really low, that means it’s not going to go up.” But it’s all bullshit.

 

NICOLE: Oh.

 

SASHEER: How much money have you won doing slots?

 

MATT: Nothing huge. Maybe like 400, 500 bucks.

 

NICOLE: That’s a good amount.

 

MATT: That’s something. But in LA, Orange County economy, that’s…

 

SASHEER: That’s a sandwich.

 

MATT: That’s that smoothie from Erewhon.

 

NICOLE: It’s so much money!

 

SASHEER: But it’s very good. All right.

 

NICOLE: What was your name? Matt?

 

MATT: Matt.

 

NICOLE & SASHEER: Thank you, Matt.

 

MATT: You’re welcome. Thank you.

 

NICOLE: But the first day, we got in the pool. And for whatever reason, the Bellagio–we’re fancy–had three lifeguards for three feet of water.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, there was no need for a lifeguard. They did whistle a lot.

 

NICOLE: So much. And then a man–he backed his butt into the jets in the hot tub. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. We, like, made eye contact as he was just, like, wiggling against the jet. And I was like, “Sasheer, did you see that?” She’s like, “Nah.”

 

SASHEER: I missed it completely. I think he shat in the hot tub. He came by himself, wiggled, and then left.

 

NICOLE: And then we saw Usher.

 

SASHEER: We saw Usher Raymond.

 

NICOLE: My God.

 

SASHEER: So good.

 

NICOLE: You guys, if you give the chance, go see Usher. So, like, he didn’t wear any costumes that were breathable. He, like, started off in a three-piece satin suit and then changed into leather and then closed in… I think it’s neoprene. It’s a nice, thick fabric. I was like, “You stink,” ’cause he never stops moving.

 

SASHEER: Oh, he was moving the whole time.

 

NICOLE: And he’s on skates at one point.

 

SASHEER: Roller skates.

 

NICOLE: And then there’s strippers.

 

SASHEER: Oh, they were so good.

 

NICOLE: Oh my God. There was one with the juiciest butt. And she did a thing where she, like, clapped her, like, feet together upside down. And I was like, “We all have to clap! She’s working so hard!”

 

SASHEER: And then she was also, like, holding the pole with her knees and then balancing her torso off and started beating her chest. And I was like, “Yeah!”

 

NICOLE: I truly was like, “She could come in the crowd and kill me. That’s fine. Murder me.”

 

SASHEER: She had an air that was very, like, scary. She was horrifying. I was like, “I love this.”

 

NICOLE: I loved her. I found her on Instagram. It took me a minute, but, like, I found her. And now I follow her. And now she’s my polespiration because she’s terrifying. She does this thing where she, like, tumbles down the pole and lands in a split. And then she’s like, “Ah!” And I’m like, “Ah!” And that’s the kind of stripper I want to be. Like, people are terrified and throw money at me because they’re like, “I don’t know what she’s going to do to me.” Oh, she was so good.

 

SASHEER: She was very good.

 

NICOLE: Also, like, 10 minutes in, Sasheer leaned over, and she was like, “Is it over? That seemed like the final number.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. It opened with a medley of hits, and I was like, “Oh my God. Usher, where are we going to go from here? Like, we have an hour and a half left. You’re going to blow your load.” He didn’t. I did. But he didn’t. He sustained the whole time. I was like, “Ahhhh!”

 

NICOLE: It was so good.

 

SASHEER: Quite a catalog.

 

NICOLE: Oh my God. When he did Climax, I was, like, so horny. Oh my God. It was so good. And then he told us that he started at 11 and has been in the game for 22 years. And I was like, “Usher, you’re not 33.”

 

SASHEER: I was really confused on the math.

 

NICOLE: You have a Vegas residency. You’re not 33.

 

SASHEER: And we refused to look up how old he is. We’re not going to figure it out.

 

NICOLE: And Jordan, don’t you dare! Also, people got shouted out in the crowd. Gucci Mane was there with his wife.

 

SASHEER: Nia Long was there.

 

NICOLE: Kim–no last name.

 

SASHEER: We don’t know which Kim.

 

NICOLE: It was little or big ass Kim.

 

SASHEER: You tickled yourself with that one.

 

NICOLE: I really did because it came off the dome so quick. And then who else was there? I feel like there was one more person.

 

SASHEER: I can’t remember.

 

NICOLE: I can’t remember either, but we were like, “Usher, we’re here, too!” He did not hear.

 

SASHEER: We didn’t let him know.

 

NICOLE: No, we sure didn’t. And then the funniest thing happened during the concert. So, there’s a camera person who follows him around, so, like, everyone has a good view of Usher. And he came so close to this woman, and she, like, pulled out her phone. And Usher is here. She’s holding her phone. And the camera operator gets behind her, and it says, “Storage full.”

 

SASHEER: It was really funny.

 

NICOLE: I screamed.

 

SASHEER: She’s like, “Oh my God, this is my chance!” And she can’t. And he came really close to us, but not really. He was, like, so close but so far. There’s one where he came in the crowd, and he was, like, up on the DJ booth. And we were like, “If you just come one section to the left, we’ll be here.” He never did.

 

NICOLE: He never did. But that’s okay.

 

SASHEER: It’s okay. We probably would have died.

 

NICOLE: Probably. Probably would have passed right away. Oh my God. And then I was so confused because some people didn’t stand; they were seated. But a lot of people were standing. I was like, “So what are you…? You’re, like, listening to Usher and looking at butts? Like, how is that fun?”

 

SASHEER: I don’t know. Maybe they couldn’t stand.

 

NICOLE: Uh oh. I’m an ableist. Wow. Cancel me and my monkey sweater.

 

SASHEER: “How dare you in your monkey sweater?”

 

NICOLE: And then the second day, we went and drove cars. I got to drive a fucking Ferrari around a fucking racetrack. I was the only Black person.

 

SASHEER: And the only woman.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. It was wild.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I was with the rest of the wives, like, “Go get it! Go get it, honey! You do the thing with the machine! I don’t know how to do it.”

 

NICOLE: So funny. You were my wife that day.

 

SASHEER: I was. We were all filming the racetrack, like, “Yes! That’s mine in the red one!”

 

NICOLE: That’s so funny. And my coach’s name was Big Mac. That’s what he said. He said, “I’m Big Mac.” And I said, “That’s a choice.” And he told me that I was really good. And I walked in, and I said, “Sasheer, I’m a fucking racecar driver!” Like a child. I was so happy. Oh my God, it was maybe the best day of my life. Then we go-karted.

 

SASHEER: And then we did go-karts and that was very fun.

 

NICOLE: She somehow beat me.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I was 12. And you were 16.

 

NICOLE: Something like that. But, like, I was in the stall first. Doesn’t that mean I’m the winner? Or, no, I was in there third. So, I’m the third.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know how they calculate it.

 

NICOLE: Me either.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know.

 

NICOLE: I was really upset.

 

SASHEER: I’m sorry.

 

NICOLE: I was going fast.

 

SASHEER: You were so fast.

 

NICOLE: So fast. And then after that, we had dinner with all of our best friends at this restaurant called Le Cirque.

 

SASHEER: It was funny because we were, like, running late because for a racetrack, they were going real slow. And it took forever for us to finish the process. And then we, like, had 15 minutes to get ready for this fancy dinner. And then the restaurant calls my phone, and she was like, “Hello?” And I was like, “Hi.” And she’s like, “How’s your night?” And I was like, “Are you calling from the restaurant?” And she’s like, “Yes, I am.” And I was like, “We’re coming. We’re walking to the casino right now. We’re so close.” And she’s like, “Okay, well, this is a dining experience for an hour and a half. And you told us that you have a show to go to in an hour, so…” And she, like, kept talking. And I was like, “We’re going to be there!”

 

NICOLE: It was wild. I was like, “Is she going to be on the phone the whole time from the elevator to the restaurant?”

 

SASHEER: Almost. And then we get there, and I was like, “Hi, I was talking to you on the phone.” And she’s like, “Yes, okay. So, I did talk to someone. And it does seem like we can fit you in, but we will have to…”

 

NICOLE: And I was like, “Great.” When we told the waiter we only had a short amount of time, he started speaking faster.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, everything was in double time. They threw the menus at us. They’re like, “Here. Wine.” And then I felt like I had to eat fast, and I was, like, shoveling food in my mouth. And I was like, “I don’t have to do that.” And then we were out of there in, like, 40 minutes. Record time. It was so fast.

 

NICOLE: But they were all so nice to us.

 

SASHEER: It was wonderful. They gave us chocolate. It was nice.

 

NICOLE: And then the dessert was my favorite dessert I’ve ever had in my whole life. It was a ball.

 

SASHEER: It was a chocolate ball.

 

NICOLE: It was a chocolate ball. And then they poured hot chocolate on it. And then there was ice cream in the middle.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, it was good.

 

NICOLE: Right? I was just like, “Oh my God!” so loud in this very fancy restaurant. But then everybody loved us.

 

SASHEER: Everyone really loved us. And they’re like, “Come back next time and get the full experience.” I was like, “I guess we have to. I love it here.”

 

NICOLE: We love it. The ceiling was tented? There were scarves? A woman was like, “My scarves!” I don’t know.

 

SASHEER: I think it was to be like a circus tent.

 

NICOLE: Oh, fuck.

 

SASHEER: Because Le Cirque.

 

NICOLE: I truly was like, “The drapery!” And then we went to Criss Angel MINDFREAK. And I’ll tell you something…

 

SASHEER: My mind was freaked.

 

NICOLE: My mind was absolutely freaked. I would die for Criss Angel. And this is why we decided to go. Can you look up “Criss Angel dismembers people”?

 

SASHEER: Maybe. Yeah. Or, like… cut someone in half?

 

NICOLE: Yeah, cut someone in half. It’s a wild video that Sasheer sent me, and I was, like, “Sold! We have to go!”

 

SASHEER: If you don’t know, Criss Angel is the hottest magician in history.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Vanishing Magazine says, “He’s the number one magician of our time.”

 

SASHEER: This is a real thing.

 

NICOLE: He had a show on Spike TV.

 

SASHEER: The Boys Channel.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, TV for men, which was, ironically, my favorite channel because it had Ink Master. I loved Ink Master. Okay. Bloopers? There’s bloopers?

 

JORDAN: What do you want me to find exactly?

 

SASHEER: God, what were they called?

 

NICOLE: So, he’s, like, in a park?

 

SASHEER: Maybe go to YouTube, and then maybe… I feel like it’s one of the most searched ones.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, maybe “Criss Angel MINDFREAK.”

 

SASHEER: And see what happens.

 

NICOLE: No, no, no, no, no. Yes!

 

NICOLE & SASHEER: “Criss Rips Bodies Apart!”

 

NICOLE: It’s truly the wildest thing I have ever seen.

 

SASHEER: This is the era when, like, magicians would go on the street with a baseball cap and be like, “I’m going to blow your mind.” And then they did.

 

NICOLE: And I got to say, the show started late because of a parade. And 10 minutes into the show–he’d done, like, a couple of tricks–he was like, “The show started late because of the parade not because I’m on drugs.” And I was like…

 

SASHEER: I wasn’t thinking that.

 

NICOLE: Not thinking that at all.

 

SASHEER: These are strangers. He doesn’t know these people.

 

NICOLE: He doesn’t know these people. It’s magic.

 

SASHEER: They’re laying on the bench. They don’t know what’s going to happen.

 

NICOLE: They have no idea. So, there’s two people, a male leaning person and a female leaning person laying on a bench, crossed legs, arms up, their cell phone cam–

 

SASHEER: Okay. So now two other strangers are grabbing those stranger’s wrists and feet. Yeah, grab his ankles.

 

NICOLE: So, they’re on the bench, wrist being held, feet being held.

 

SASHEER: Okay. Now another couple is coming.

 

NICOLE: The same thing.

 

SASHEER: These are all strangers. It’s happening at a park. Okay, grabbing the wrist, grabbing the ankles, crossed legs because she’s a woman and she’s wearing a skirt.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, gotta cross those legs. Now he’s looking around. He’s like, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” And then he tells the lady to relax–close her eyes. And then he taps on her torso twice–three times. And then…

 

SASHEER: She’s apart!

 

NICOLE: Everyone in the background.

 

SASHEER: He picked her up! He dropped the torso!

 

NICOLE: He fell down!

 

SASHEER: And this is a clean cut. There’s no blood.

 

NICOLE: No blood. Nothing.

 

SASHEER: And now he’s putting the woman’s torso on the man’s legs. People are running away. He’s not okay.

 

NICOLE: And this man looks sick as hell. This torso man who’s getting put on this woman’s body.

 

SASHEER: Now, he’s reattaching them. Oh no! That’s not where that goes.

 

NICOLE: He doesn’t look good.

 

SASHEER: Because he doesn’t have the right legs on his body. He’s having a hard time.

 

NICOLE: I love this woman creeping up with a pink phone. She’s like, “I gotta get this.” She’s so confused. She’s like, “Cargo shorts? Where’s my skirt?”

 

SASHEER: “Dude, you got my legs.” And then he walks away!

 

NICOLE: He changed these people’s lives forever and just walked away. Sasheer sent me that video, and I was like, “Bought.”

 

SASHEER: I need to see more. Anything this man does I want to see.

 

NICOLE: I’m obsessed with him.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Unfortunately, he didn’t do that trick in the show.

 

NICOLE: But he did levitate and, like, walk around, and we spent hours trying to figure out how he did it.

 

SASHEER: I have no idea.

 

NICOLE: We don’t know.

 

SASHEER: And that’s why it’s Vanish Magazine’s Best Trick of the Year. Ever?

 

NICOLE: Ever. He’s a mind freak. Yeah, man.

 

SASHEER: There was a moment where he was in a straitjacket and was upside down, hanging above the audience.

 

NICOLE: This was his first trick.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. And he’s like, “I’m going to be in the straitjacket.” And we’re like, “Cool.” And then they had these fans on stage, and they blew trash in our face. Like, they just blew a bunch of trash in the audience. And we were like, “No!”

 

NICOLE: And then magically he’s out of the straitjacket.

 

SASHEER: And I was like, “I couldn’t see anything.”

 

NICOLE: We were like, “Was the trick you just blew trash in our faces so we couldn’t see anything?”

 

SASHEER: The wrapper in my I was a bit distracting from the straight jacket thing.

 

NICOLE: And then he did a trick where he disappeared. And then I thought a large woman was rushing past us, but it was Criss Angel.

 

SASHEER: Like, in a cloaked hoodie.

 

NICOLE: In a cloaked hoodie. Runs into the audience. So, it’s funny because to everybody else, he just appeared there. But to us, we were like, “This woman.”

 

SASHEER: We saw him, like, scurry past audience members to, like, sit down.

 

NICOLE: And also, he starts the show with, like, a demon on stage. And there was a child in front of us that was like, “No!”

 

SASHEER: It’s not a kid friendly show. And they should say that.

 

NICOLE: I think they should. He made a bunch of dick jokes and was like, “Ah. Kids.” But honestly, I would die for Criss Angel. I’m, like, obsessed with him.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I would go back. It was very fun.

 

NICOLE: And then we saw Cirque du Soleil. This is Day Two still.

 

SASHEER: We did everything. We saw, “O,” the Cirque du Soleil show that’s in water. And tonally, it was so different from MINDFREAK. My brain had a hard time catching up.

 

NICOLE: I was like, “Where’s the Nickelback music?”

 

SASHEER: “No one’s throwing trash in my face. It’s just, like, nice clowns on stage.”

 

NICOLE: I don’t know what the show is about at all. I paid attention to every second. I could not give you a coherent thought pattern about that show, but it was so beautiful.

 

SASHEER: It was really pretty.

 

NICOLE: There was so much water. And I said to Sasheer later–I was like… Because, like, we were up top. So, like, the stage is here. And then there’s, like, a huge pool and then, you know, the sides of the stage or whatever. I was like, “Sasheer, how do they, like, start in the water? How do they get in the water?” And she was like, “Well, I think there’s an opening. It just, like, goes further than you think.” And I was like, “You don’t think it’s just a door they open.”

 

SASHEER: They’re like, “Hurry! Get in!”

 

NICOLE: So, then I was like, “Am I dumb? Am I stupid?” It’s okay. But yeah, at the end of the show, the people didn’t stand up and clap after people were, like, contorting for an hour and a half, and it was their second show of the night. So, I stood up, and then I was like, “Stand up, peasants!” Sasheer was like, “You can’t call these people peasants.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah, we’re in, like, the VIP area. “Stand up, peasants! I demand it!”

 

NICOLE: Well, they needed to stand up. They did such extraordinary things.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, it was great.

 

NICOLE: God, it was so pretty. And then we went to sleep because I tried to go to a strip club, and you said, “I don’t know how many more minutes I’ll be awake.

 

SASHEER: I was going to be down for it, but then we went outside, and the taxi line was so long. And I was like, “I can’t imagine being upright for any longer.”

 

NICOLE: And then the last day… What did we do?

 

SASHEER: We got brunch.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Oh, we got massages.

 

SASHEER: We got a little sleepy. We lay down for, like, 30 minutes, and we got dinner.

 

NICOLE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. We went to Momofuku, which was so delicious. And then we went to Meow Wolf, which I kept calling “Werepanther,” which was not right. And it was so fun.

 

SASHEER: It was very fun.

 

NICOLE: It was wild. There was, like, a scavenger hunt. And this lady was like, “It takes a couple hours.” I was like, “We don’t have a couple of hours. We gotta go see Magic Mike!”

 

SASHEER: “We’re doing every event you possibly can in Vegas!”

 

NICOLE: So, then we went and saw Magic Mike, and I finally got what I deserved because the last time we went–I think a solid five years ago–Sasheer was stolen from our seats and taken to a piano. And a man played it and she spun around and everyone stared. And then our other friend hooked up with a dancer. And then I got nothing. I stole a glass because the show gave me nothing.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. You know, Magic Mike–they’re strippers. They dance on you. And someone whispered, “Do you want to be a piano girl?” And I was like, “Hell yeah.” And then I sat on the piano. He played in between my legs on the keys. I mean, it was the best. And Nicole was crying in the audience. Couldn’t be happy for me. Although you did say, “I’m in a better place now where I would be happy for you.”

 

NICOLE: I did. But during Cirque du Soleil, there was a piano onstage at one point. And Sasheer “was like, “That’s where I like to sit.” But then it sunk into the water, and I was like, “And that’s where I’d like you to go.” And we laughed and laughed at our top, little perch and looked at the peasants. We’re like, “We have jokes.” But this time was my time because I’ve complained about it publicly. And then a nice man was like, “We’ll give you a nice experience.” And I was like, “Yes.” So, they brought me on stage because it was finally time for me to get what I deserved. And then… Has anyone been to the show?

 

SASHEER: It’s fun.

 

NICOLE: It’s very funny. If you haven’t been, go. But so, there’s a whole storyline, and Mike has to, like, become Magic Mike. And in his first dance he brings someone on stage. Was it his first dance? Or maybe the second dance.

 

SASHEER: First dance, yeah.

 

NICOLE: So, I got brought on stage, and then I got, like, a lap dance. And he, like, spun me around. And he kept whispering in my ear. He was like, “Listen to all my directions.” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “Keep your legs closed.” And I was like, “Okay.” And then at one point he was like, “I’m going to lift you up.” And I went, “No.” And Sasheer took a video, and you could just see my curls going…

 

SASHEER: Her wig was just shaking back and forth. I was like, “I don’t know what’s happening, but she does not want it.”

 

NICOLE: And in the video it doesn’t look like he’s struggling. But, like, I felt it.

 

SASHEER: He lifted you pretty easily, and it looked like he had it.

 

NICOLE: But you can feel it when people lift you, and you’re like, “I don’t know if this is going to go well.” There was, like, a couple seconds where, I think, even he was like, “What have I done?” Oh, but it was wonderful. I loved it so much. I was truly so happy. And then there was a woman so drunk that she was escorted out, and it was maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. She looked like a flamingo; her legs kept locking. And when she came near me, I was like, “Oh no. If this lady pukes on me, I’m going to be so mad.” Wait, we saw flamingos. What day was that?

 

SASHEER: I think that was also the same day as Magic Mike.

 

NICOLE: Oh my God. We did so much. Sasheer was like, “I have a surprise.” And I said, “Okay.” And then she whispered to the cab man outside, and I didn’t hear it because I plugged my ears. And then in the cab, she said it again. I plugged my ears, but I heard it. And she was like, “Did you hear it?” I was like, “Yeah.” “We’re going to Flamingo?” And she was like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “To see Celine Dion?” And she was like, “What?” I was like, “Am I going to meet a dolphin?” She was like, “What?” Again, am I dumb? I didn’t put it together that we were going to Flamingo to see flamingos.

 

SASHEER: Well, I guess I wouldn’t have known–I looked it up–off the bat that Flamingo would have flamingos.

 

NICOLE: I guess not. It was… I don’t want to shit on it because I did get to see flamingos, and I love them. But what a nasty little ditch they had them in. I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “So you took them from their home to live here?”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. The website made it look like… They call it a “wildlife habitat.” It was, like, pictures of parrots and, like, other things. So, I was like, “Oh, they’re gonna have a whole thing.”

 

NICOLE: There was no parrots.

 

SASHEER: It was two ponds and mostly ducks.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, a lot of ducks. And I do like a duck.

 

SASHEER: We love ducks.

 

NICOLE: But I can see a duck anywhere.

 

SASHEER: Ducks are everywhere. And then six or so flamingos.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. And then they had, like, tags on their legs with numbers. And I was like, “That’s not great.” There’s gotta be a different way.

 

SASHEER: But I think it’s, like, if one gets sick, they’re like, “That’s number four.”

 

NICOLE: No. If you’re a zookeeper, you know your animals enough. You know who Bobby is. You know who Suzy is. You don’t need tags. No. If you were a zookeeper, wouldn’t you want to know your animals? Like, really know them?

 

SASHEER: There are no zookeepers at the Flamingos Resort in Las Vegas.

 

NICOLE: The website did say there was a zoo talk at 2:00 p.m. and, like, 6:00.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah.

 

NICOLE: Which is a wild time.

 

SASHEER: 2:00 pm and 6:00. They’re like, “No one is coming to those.” Oh, but wait. We didn’t talk about my experience at Magic Mike.

 

NICOLE: Oh, yes, I loved it for you.

 

SASHEER: Well, the host came by and was like, “Do you want to go on stage?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And she was like, “It won’t be as exciting as Nicole’s dance.” And I was like, “That’s okay. I had a really fun, exciting one the last time I was here. I was the piano girl, remember?” And she’s like, “I don’t know who you are.” And then she brought me on stage with an elderly woman named Esther. She was, like, 70-something. And I was like, “Okay, me and Esther.” And then she was like, “Let’s take a look at all these men.” And then, like, the men were surrounding us. We were like, “Ooh! Okay. Something’s going to happen.” And then Esther got taken to one side of the stage, and I got taken to the other. Each had a man in front of us. And then the man in front of me, like, bent down. He took his underwear off, and there was another set of underwear under there. And I was like, “Okay!” And then he, like, took my hands and put it on his chest and, like, rubbed it down and then put it on his butt. I was like, “Ooh.” And then he just held my hands for so long.

 

NICOLE: To the point where I was like, “I guess we’re getting to know each other.”

 

SASHEER: Yes. We were just having a conversation on stage. He was just, like, holding my hands. He’s like, “So where are you from?” And I was like, “LA.” He was like, “What you here for?” I was like “A girls trip.” And he’s like, “Cool.” I was like, “Is he ever going to do dancing or…?” And the audience couldn’t hear the conversation, but we’re just hitting it off. And then the host comes over and is like, “Tell Sasheer how much you appreciate her.” And then he says something French in the microphone. And the host walked away, and he whispered in my ear, “Do you know French?” And I was like, “No.” He’s like, “Neither do I.”

 

NICOLE: Which is so funny.

 

SASHEER: It was really funny.

 

NICOLE: “Do you know French?” “No.” “Neither do I.”

 

SASHEER: “After they told me to say this line.”

 

NICOLE: And that was it.

 

SASHEER: And then they walked me offstage and sat me down.

 

NICOLE: And then the very next thing that happened was a woman got whipped cream sprayed on her, and this man licked it off of her. And we were like, “Why couldn’t she do that?”

 

SASHEER: Why didn’t they pull me over there for that experience?

 

NICOLE: And then another lady got railed on the piano. But you had the nice, dainty time. But a lady truly was like… You said she looked like she was going to fall off the piano.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, he was ramming her.

 

NICOLE: And I was like, “Imagine going to the hospital and being like, ‘Yeah, I broke my neck at Magic Mike.’”

 

SASHEER: But I think… I mean, no one got hurt. I think they know what they’re doing. They are multi-talented. They make instruments.

 

NICOLE: One of them sang in a very high falsetto.

 

SASHEER: Oh, and they have this aerial thing that was not there the last time we were there.

 

NICOLE: It was so fucking good.

 

SASHEER: It was really good.

 

NICOLE: Pretty sexy. A splish splash dance.

 

SASHEER: They were in water. “Splish splash dance.”

 

NICOLE: What else would it be? Splish splash is water. Have you ever fucked in water?

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I just think it’s so unsafe.

 

SASHEER: Unsafe?

 

NICOLE: Was it a pool or a shower?

 

SASHEER: I have done both.

 

NICOLE: Chlorine just slamming up your pussy? Whose pool?

 

SASHEER: Okay. I’m from Indianapolis, Indiana.

 

NICOLE: Is that an excuse?

 

SASHEER: Let me finish. “We all fuck in pools in Indiana!” We’re not near the beach, so we’re like, “A pool will do.” There is a hotel called Sybaris. It’s a pool hotel and a fuck hotel. I’ve seen commercials of it since I was a kid. It just looks so funny. It’s, like, the kind of place that has, like, a mirror on the ceiling and a heart shaped bed and the pool in the room. So, like, you have a bedroom, and then there’s a pool room that you can… It’s your room; you can do whatever you want in there. So, I did fuck in that pool.

 

NICOLE: Okay. All right. Do you remember when I was dating someone and I was talking about fucking in the shower and I was scared, so I was like, “Can I call you while we do it?”

 

SASHEER: I actually don’t remember this. I maybe blocked it out. Like, “That can’t be what she asked me.”

 

NICOLE: I did. I said, “Sasheer, I’ve never had sex in a shower. I’m thinking about it, but I’m really scared that I’ll slip and go through the glass and hurt myself. So can I call you during it, and if you hear anything bad, you call 9-1-1?” And you said, “Of course.” I cannot believe you don’t remember this.

 

SASHEER: I don’t remember this, but…

 

NICOLE: You were a good friend.

 

SASHEER: I would have done it.

 

NICOLE: I can’t believe you don’t remember. It was, like, an emphatic yes. Maybe it wasn’t emphatic.

 

SASHEER: I was like, “Yeah. Sure.” Did you do it?

 

NICOLE: No. Did you get a call?

 

SASHEER: I guess I didn’t, so you didn’t.

 

NICOLE: I will absolutely call someone. I don’t want to die in a shower. Like, just shards of glass in my naked body.

 

SASHEER: Wait, where is the glass coming from?

 

NICOLE: The shower door. If I slip and fall through the shower door. Well, I guess it’s not locked or latched.

 

SASHEER: It would just open. It would hurt, but I don’t think it would shatter.

 

NICOLE: In my brain, it would shatter. Glass everywhere. Then a man with his dick out being like, “Oh no!” And then the phone going, “Is she okay?”

 

SASHEER: “Do I make the call now?”

 

NICOLE: “Can you make the call?”

 

SASHEER: “Yeah, you’re there.” Yeah, also you had to call me. You think both of you will be so incapacitated that you couldn’t call?

 

SASHEER: I guess I didn’t think it all through. I guess it’s a wild fear. Huh…

 

NICOLE: I mean, it could happen. Yeah. People slip in showers all the time.

 

NICOLE: It could. Yeah. But now I’m thinking my fear is, like, a little too outlandish.

 

SASHEER: No. It’s okay.

 

NICOLE: Hey, thank you.

 

NICOLE: I cried at Momofuku. Am I saying that name right? No. Someone said no. What is it? What did I say? Oh no. Say it again. Momofuku? You laughed at me. It sounds like I was trying so hard. Anyway, I cried there because I needed Pepto-Bismol and Sasheer started Googling. And I said, “First, flamingoes. Now, you’re Googling!” It felt so nice that you had done nice things for me. The table next to us–I don’t think they were into me crying.

 

SASHEER: I don’t think they were paying attention.

 

NICOLE: I think they were.

 

SASHEER: Everyone’s paying attention to us.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, we’re always having fun.

 

SASHEER: Well, yeah. I wanted your tummy to feel good for the rest of the ventures we were having in Vegas.

 

NICOLE: We did so much. And you didn’t nap today.

 

SASHEER: No.

 

NICOLE: That’s wild.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I know. My internet wasn’t working, so I was trying to figure that out.

 

NICOLE: This is a saga!

 

SASHEER: I know. I think it’s kind of working now.

 

NICOLE: Kind of?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. They had, like, a… This is so boring. It doesn’t matter.

 

NICOLE: They want to know. They want to know. See? Six people want to know. Everyone else is like, “Fine.”

 

SASHEER: “Woo!” “Sure!” “How is your router?” “Not good!” I don’t know. I think I actually did steps that I didn’t need to do because my Wi-Fi wasn’t working. And then I have my machines…? The modem and the router.

 

NICOLE: “My machines.”

 

SASHEER: I have them in a little drawer. And I opened it. And the router was glowing red, which is bad. And so, I was like, “Something’s wrong here.” So, I took it to the internet place, and I say, “Give me a good one.” And then they gave me a good one. And then I plugged it in. And then I was like, “Wait, it’s still not working.” And so, I took my other thing, which was a modem, to the same place.

 

NICOLE: Your machine.

 

SASHEER: My machine. I was like, “I need new machines.” And then they gave me a new everything. And I brought it back, and it still wasn’t working. And then I called, and they’re like, “Oh, there’s an outage.” And I was like, “Did I even need to do this?” And so, then the outage was done. And then part of it… I don’t need to explain this. It sucks. And I didn’t want to be doing any of this. I went to the store too many times. I’ve called too many companies. And everyone keeps saying, “Just unplug it, and replug it. And I’m like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

 

NICOLE: I’m sorry. You need to get a spectrum technician out to your house.

 

SASHEER: They really don’t want to do that. They really, really don’t want to do that.

 

NICOLE: What other internet is there?

 

JORDAN: There’s AT&T. There’s Verizon.

 

NICOLE: Oh, there is more. I thought Spectrum was my only option.

 

SASHEER: I think it depends on your location.

 

NICOLE: It does depend on my location?

 

SASHEER: I think so, yeah. Not every place services everywhere.

 

NICOLE: Interesting.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Internet is so silly. How come we don’t have, like, universal Internet, like universal health care? One internet for all!

 

SASHEER: I don’t know.

 

NICOLE: Right? Like, why are there different internet companies that are giving me the same fucking thing.

 

SASHEER: I have no idea.

 

NICOLE: Yeah! Down with capitalism!

 

SASHEER: Let’s take it to the streets!

 

NICOLE: Let’s wake up Joe Biden! He’s like, “That’s your only problem?”

 

SASHEER: There’s many. Should we do a quiz?

 

NICOLE: Should we? Yeah. Let’s do a quiz. And then we’ll answer people’s queries from the audience.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Oh, God.

 

NICOLE: Well, I guess we have to do Are You a Rat or a Cockroach?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I like that one.

 

NICOLE: I like that one a lot.

 

JORDAN: Oh, the one that I made bold?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. You want us to do it, Jordan?

 

NICOLE: What do you think I am, Jordan?

 

SASHEER: There’s no good answer.

 

NICOLE: I’m hoping to be a rat.

 

SASHEER: Why?

 

NICOLE: I think rats are kind of cute.

 

SASHEER: Oh.

 

NICOLE: I think cockroaches are terrifying.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, we were in Palm Springs one time, and we were in the… Well, you were in the hotel pool. I was rooting you on from the sidelines.

 

NICOLE: We went to the most insane hotel. It was an Instagram hotel that nobody worked at. And the maids just let themselves into your room while you were sleeping. And you had to open an eye and go, “No.”

 

SASHEER: We didn’t know that they were there. Did we? I feel like we woke up and were like, “Everything’s changed.

 

NICOLE: So, the first time it happened, everything changed. Second time, I woke up, and I said, “No.” And then they left. But, yes, the pool.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. So, we’re at the pool. Oh, we were walking towards the pool. And there was a roach in the pathway. And there was, like, a little standoff. And we were, like, stomping our feet and like, “Get out of here!” And it didn’t move at all. And then we were like, “You can have it.” And we just, like, ran past it. And then we got to the pool–having a nice time. And I’m looking at Nicole in the water. And I was like, “Something’s swimming towards you.”

 

NICOLE: And I was like, “What do you mean? It’s the roach!”

 

SASHEER: And it was bee lining towards her. And then it crawls up onto the surface.

 

NICOLE: Yes, it sped, like, past me. And it took no time to adapt from the water to the land.

 

SASHEER: And then it flew away! It was like, “I can do all modes of transportation. Water, land, sky. You cannot escape me.”

 

NICOLE: It was terrifying. We screamed and then shut it down for the night. “We can’t be out here.”

 

SASHEER: No, we’re like, “You own the pool now. It’s fine.”

 

NICOLE: That was the weirdest hotel. It was pretty, though.

 

SASHEER: “Are You More of a Rat or a Cockroach?”

 

NICOLE: Okay. “What is your favorite food?”

 

SASHEER: “Burger.”

 

NICOLE: “Anything with cheddar.”

 

SASHEER: “Toothpaste.”

 

NICOLE: “Cheese.” Imagine I looked at you and I said, “Toothpaste. I eat toothpaste.”

 

SASHEER: I would be concerned.

 

NICOLE: I’m going to say burger.

 

SASHEER: I am going to also say burger.

 

NICOLE: I love a burger.

 

SASHEER: “What is your favorite color?”

 

NICOLE: “Food color.”

 

SASHEER: “Black.”

 

NICOLE: “Yellow.”

 

SASHEER: “Green.”

 

NICOLE: Also, these pictures that are accompanying…

 

SASHEER: Black is, like, chunks of coal.

 

NICOLE: Also, what does food color mean?

 

SASHEER: Just any food coloring? I will say green.

 

NICOLE: Okay. I’m going to say black.

 

SASHEER: Great. I wonder… Sometimes people do the thing where, like, one question is obviously going to be the thing.

 

NICOLE: This one’s tough.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know.

 

NICOLE: Because who’s going for the toothpaste?

 

SASHEER: I feel like both would.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Okay. “How many friends do you have?”

 

SASHEER: “Five.”

 

NICOLE: What? Did you just say five? Did you just answer the question?

 

SASHEER: I think I was reading, like, ahead. I saw “five” on the second one, but I just skipped the first one, which is “none.”

 

NICOLE: “How many friends do you have?” “Five.” So, I’m happy to be one of your five friends.

 

SASHEER: That wasn’t me answering, but also… Kind of.

 

NICOLE: I mean, I truly only have three friends. Okay. “None.”

 

SASHEER: “Between one and five.”

 

NICOLE: “About six to nine.”

 

SASHEER: “10+.”

 

NICOLE: Anybody who says they have 10+ friends, I think, is a sociopath. That’s too many friends.

 

SASHEER: Well, I guess some people have different definitions of “friend.”

 

NICOLE: Ew.

 

SASHEER: I mean, I agree.

 

NICOLE: Wait. What is your definition of “friend?”

 

SASHEER: A person who I love very strongly and has been in my life for a long time or can be in my life for a long-time and… We have a level of trust.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, that’s what I think a friend is. And then I have, like, acquaintances. Those are people I’m, like, down to clown with, but, like, I don’t trust you with things. You’re not my friend.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Okay, good. I’m going to say…

 

SASHEER: Jordan. Jordan’s hovering over between “one” and “five.” Okay. She’s like, “I listen to you guys every week.”

 

NICOLE: Where we’re constantly like, “We don’t have friends.”

 

SASHEER: “I know how many friends you have.”

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I guess between one and five.

 

SASHEER: Same.

 

NICOLE: Because you know how I, like, really quantify a friendship? Like, who’s going to be one of my bridesmaids?

 

SASHEER: Oh, okay.

 

NICOLE: Don’t tell my sister, but she’s not on the list.

 

SASHEER: You can’t even do, like, a…? Just put her in there!

 

NICOLE: No. It’s my wedding. But she’ll give me away because my parents are dead, you know?

 

SASHEER: Why did you say it like that? “My parents are dead.” Are you making fun of me?

 

NICOLE: “Wa-wa! My parents are dead!” You gotta keep it light and fresh.

 

SASHEER: “What is your favorite movie?”

 

NICOLE: “Deadpool.”

 

SASHEER: “Black Widow.”

 

NICOLE: What? These are nobody’s favorite movies. “The Hunger Games?”

 

SASHEER: “Puss in Boots.”

 

NICOLE: Not one person has said, “Black Widow was my favorite movie.”

 

SASHEER: I guess I’ll say Deadpool out of this cluster.

 

NICOLE: I mean, I think they got a lot of things wrong in The Hunger Games. I don’t think they stuck to Suzanne Collins’ original vision. Isn’t it wild that I know who wrote The Hunger Games?

 

SASHEER: I actually didn’t know you read the books.

 

NICOLE: I loved the books! Are you kidding? I felt like Katniss shouldn’t… I thought she should have been an ethnicity because I felt like–

 

SASHEER: Well, she is “an ethnicity.” Also, yeah, she’s not here. Why are you whispering?

 

NICOLE: You’re right. An ethnicity not white.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: And I don’t know why I whispered like Jennifer Lawrence listens to this podcast and was like, “Is she talking about me? I can’t hear it.” But in the book, it felt like she was saying that people in the Capitol were, like, white people who got too powerful. And then everybody else was, like, Black and brown people who had to fight for their, like, sport or whatever. And Katniss is described as, like, tan skin. So, I was like, “So she’s, like, Puerto Rican or, like, Brazilian?” That’s what I thought. So, I would say Hunger Games! Suzanne Collins! I read all three books and was very disappointed by the third movie. I guess The Hunger Games is my favorite movie.

 

SASHEER: I guess so. “How old are you?”

 

NICOLE: “12 to 18.”

 

SASHEER: “19 to 25.”

 

NICOLE: Oh my God. “26 to 38.”

 

SASHEER: “39 to 49.”

 

NICOLE: “52 to 60.”

 

SASHEER: “60+.”

 

NICOLE: We’re almost in that 39 to 49 range. We’re getting old.

 

SASHEER: Well, we are still in the 26 to 30 range, so we can put that. We skirted in there.

 

NICOLE: Okay. “Favorite meal?” Didn’t we do this?

 

SASHEER: No.

 

NICOLE: Wasn’t it the first question?

 

SASHEER: I think it was favorite food. This is the whole last meal.

 

NICOLE: Oh, okay.

 

SASHEER: “Breakfast.”

 

NICOLE: “Snack.” Wait, what is that snack? Is that just a cup of cheese?

 

SASHEER: It looks like mustard with chips. There was also many stores and casinos in Vegas that just said, “Snacks.” “Lunch.”

 

NICOLE: “Dinner.”

 

SASHEER: Oh, okay. So just conceptually, when do I like to eat? I guess maybe breakfast is my favorite meal?

 

NICOLE: I guess I like dinner?

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: I never really thought of it. I do like eggs. I’m never having eggs for dinner.

 

SASHEER: This one just says, “Choose a picture.”

 

NICOLE: Okay. So, like, flames or something?

 

SASHEER: An old-timey bathtub on a wood floor.

 

NICOLE: Just some water.

 

SASHEER: And a cityscape.

 

NICOLE: I like water, so water. This is one of BuzzFeed’s most unhinged quizzes. This is wild.

 

SASHEER: The tub is in a house, and I like that. So, I guess I’ll pick the tub.

 

NICOLE: Okay. “And choose a flower.”

 

SASHEER: Are those tulips?

 

NICOLE: I believe so.

 

SASHEER: Pink tulips.

 

NICOLE: And I think that’s a sunflower.

 

SASHEER: A lily?

 

NICOLE: Yeah.

 

SASHEER: Is that a dried up rose? It’s the rose from Beauty and the Beast?

 

NICOLE: Oh, yeah. That’s definitely the Beauty and the Beast rose. I’m going to pick a lily because that’s my dead mom’s name.

 

SASHEER: I am going to pick the sunflower.

 

NICOLE: Any reason why?

 

SASHEER: Because it’s nice-looking.

 

JORDAN: So, this is Nicole.

 

SASHEER: Nicole’s a rat!

 

NICOLE: I am a rat! “You’re a sneaky, little rat. You like snooping in others’ business and stirring the pot.” I mean, who doesn’t? “You also really, really, really, really, really want cheese.”

 

SASHEER: That’s true! You do love cheese.

 

NICOLE: I do, except cold cheese. It has to be melted. When I was little, I used to say, “I don’t like raw cheese.” And then I said that into adulthood until someone finally was like, “Jesus, isn’t raw.”

 

SASHEER: “I like my cheese well done.”

 

NICOLE: I do. I love a little crisp to it.

 

SASHEER: Okay. What’s mine? I’m also a rat!

 

NICOLE: Oh, yes. Thank God. I’m glad we’re not cockroaches. When you picked the bathtub, I was a little worried because I feel like that’s a cockroach place to be.

 

SASHEER: I really couldn’t predict anything from this quiz.

 

NICOLE: It was pretty tough. I wonder if the person who wrote the quiz is okay.

 

SASHEER: I feel like they’re just running out of topics. I’ve done so many quizzes, so they’re like, “I don’t know. Are you a rat or a cockroach?”

 

NICOLE: Okay. Now we’re going to do questions.

 

SASHEER: Yes!

 

NICOLE: Okay. So, there is a microphone.

 

SASHEER: Jordan, were you going to say something?

 

JORDAN: I just wanted to triple check. Do you only want to do audience questions? Or do you want to do–?

 

NICOLE: Oh, yeah. Ooh, fuck.

 

SASHEER: Maybe, like, one either written or called-in question. And then we’ll take it to the audience.

 

JORDAN: Perfect.

 

NICOLE: Does that work for you guys? Okay. Oh, we gotta read.

 

SASHEER: Okay. Oh, this is a Sitsheer with Sachair question.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: British accent!

 

SASHEER: I hope it doesn’t require a British accent.

 

NICOLE: I was crying when you did that because we had had a conversation where Sasheer was like,” I had to do an English accent for an audition.” I was like, “Oh, how did it go?”

 

SASHEER: She was like, “Oh, I had a little help from a friend.”

 

NICOLE: And I was like, “Oh, okay,” and then thought nothing of it until she did it on the podcast, and I was like, “Oh!”

 

SASHEER: I don’t want to do it.

 

NICOLE: You don’t have to do it. But it made me laugh so hard.

 

SASHEER: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: Because it was really funny, not because you were bad at it.

 

SASHEER: No, I was bad at it. That’s why it’s funny.

 

NICOLE: No, you committed. That’s why it was funny.

 

SASHEER: Thank you so much.

 

NICOLE: You’re welcome.

 

SASHEER: You’re very nice.

 

NICOLE: You can read it in whatever accent you want.

 

SASHEER: “Hi, Nicole, Sasheer, Jordan, and Kimmie. This is sort of a question for Sitsheer with Sachair, but it’s also kind of a friend’s question because my couch is my best friend. I love my couch. I talk about it daily. But she’s a bit enormous, and she won’t fit up the stairwell of my new apartment, which resulted in me crying on the floor while my movers navigated around me to bring the other stuff in. Anyway, I had to take my couch to storage and in the process crashed the storage truck into the side of the building. But that’s not really important here. I’m having a really hard time finding a new couch because I’m so busy being in love with the one that got away, which is how things go with dating after a breakup, too. But this isn’t a metaphor. It’s really about the couch. Do you have any advice on how to proceed with this absolute nightmare of a situation? Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Furnitureless in Philadelphia. I’ve never actually been to Pennsylvania.”

 

NICOLE: This is a funny email.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I feel like if there’s a will, there’s a way.

 

SASHEER: She literally said, “It doesn’t fit in the apartment.”

 

NICOLE: I would get different movers.

 

SASHEER: What do you think could change, though?

 

NICOLE: I don’t know. Someone with ingenuity. Is that a word? Ingénuity? Ingenuity? Somebody with a sparkle in the brain.

 

SASHEER: “I want to get an ingénue to help me with my couch.”

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Or, like, find someone who’s an engineer.

 

SASHEER: I guess you could leave it in storage until you’re in a bigger place.

 

NICOLE: No. I really think she can get this couch into her apartment.

 

SASHEER: I don’t think she can.

 

NICOLE: I really do.

 

SASHEER: It wouldn’t go up the stairwell.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, because of these idiot movers. Who knows if we got somebody else on the case? I think she should try again with different people.

 

SASHEER: Okay. All right.

 

NICOLE: Or measure the couch, measure the stair– I would exhaust every option because I love my couch and I don’t want to part with my couch, even though it’s a bad couch. I want to figure out how to fix my couch. And she loves that couch.

 

SASHEER: Aren’t there people who cut couches in half and then, like, move it in?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Madea!

 

NICOLE: “Madea?”

 

SASHEER: Madea cuts couches?

 

NICOLE: What did you say?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Y’all gotta get it together. It’s Juneteenth.

 

NICOLE: Bitch, I don’t know what the fuck you talking about! You can’t say, “Madea,” and then tell me to “get it together. It’s Juneteenth.” I’ve seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Chainsaw!

 

NICOLE: Oh, I’m talking about how to keep the couch.

 

SASHEER: This is when she destroys the couch because she’s so mad?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: You never see her destroy it. You just see her cut it in half.

 

NICOLE: That’s destroying it.

 

SASHEER: What I was talking about… There are people who dissemble a couch and then put it back together in the actual space.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: Call Criss Angel.

 

SASHEER: Oh my God. Criss would have it in a flash. Criss would be like, “Your couch is over here. It’s inside your stomach!”

 

NICOLE: He would put it together with one side normal, one side upside down, and walk away.

 

SASHEER: He’s like, “You’re welcome.”

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I think you should call a couch cutter.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, she can call a house cutter. I also think it might be a nice opportunity for a new thing. You’re shaking your head no.

 

NICOLE: I don’t like change. Change really affects me and makes me upset.

 

SASHEER: It also sounds like… I know the person writing in said it’s not about the breakup, but it sounds like maybe they just went through a breakup and they’re trying to hold on to something.

 

NICOLE: Maybe.

 

SASHEER: There’s nothing wrong with that.

 

NICOLE: Maybe they just don’t like change.

 

SASHEER: There’s nothing wrong with that. But maybe keep the couch in a storage unit. And since you do need a couch in your current place, maybe get a couch that fits the current place. And then maybe over time, you might be like, “Actually, I realize I don’t need that old couch anymore. It doesn’t fit my life currently, and literally.”

 

NICOLE: Boo! Really, I would exhaust every option to get that couch in there.

 

SASHEER: You’re like, “I love my old baggage!”

 

NICOLE: I do. I love it. Let me bring it everywhere. Yeah, you’re probably smarter or whatever or, like, have a better handle on it. But nobody’s taking my couch.

 

SASHEER: No one’s trying to take your couch.

 

NICOLE: You can’t have my couch!

 

SASHEER: Did you write this?

 

NICOLE: Just a little something on my mind.

 

SASHEER: All right, should we answer audience questions?

 

NICOLE: Yes.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. You could form a line to the mic. You can ask really any question, but we try to focus on friendship questions. Oh, no. This one right here. Okay. Hi. What’s your name?

 

LILA: Hello.

 

NICOLE: You can angle it…

 

LILA: I’m Lila. Nice to meet you.

 

SASHEER: Nice to meet you.

 

LILA: So, I’m curious–what advice would you give for someone who, like, has had a best friend and kind of could see that dynamic within what I think is your dynamic, where you just love each other so much and you’re, like…? Just like that. But then, like, you’ve drifted apart, and so now you’re missing that connection with that person.

 

NICOLE: Reach out to them. I think maybe, like, trips. Like, if you can afford going on a trip, that’s really great. If you can’t afford going on a trip, maybe if you don’t live in the same town, you spend time together in some sort of capacity, where it’s uninterrupted fun time. You were away for six whole months.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: And then you came back, and then we went to Vegas for three days and had a lovely time. And I feel very connected with you. And I don’t know if I felt a disconnect, but it was like so much time passed. I was like, “Oh my God, I really miss my friend.” So, like, this weekend was just magical and nice, and it was fun to spend so much time with you.

 

SASHEER: I agree. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: And I didn’t snore, you guys.

 

SASHEER: She did so good. And you can also just, like, send her random texts. People love random texts. It’s like, “Hey, I was thinking about you.” Or like, “I saw this thing, and it reminded me of you. Do you want to meet up?” Any excuse to, like, say hi. I feel like in the pandemic I forgot about people. Like, you don’t see people all the time. And then I was like, “Oh yeah, I used to hang out with this person all the time.” Or like, “I love this person, but I just haven’t said anything to them in, like, months.” So, I think it’s okay if the drifting happens, but if you just, like, say, “Hey, thinking of you,” or like, “I miss you,” I think you’ll find that people will respond extremely positively to that.

 

NICOLE: Because they also might feel the same way. You just don’t know because you haven’t reached out. Any time I’ve reached out to any of my friends I haven’t seen in a while, I’ve been like, “I really miss you. Can we–?” And they’re like, “Yes! I fucking miss you, girl.” And then we go to dinner, and it’s a nice time.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Hope that helped.

 

NICOLE: Solved!

 

SASHEER: Solved!

 

JOSE: Hi. My name’s Jose. Short version of my question is just I had a falling out with a friend, and I just need to know if I should pursue kind of repairing things. The longer context of it is my friend has been dealing with a meth addiction for going on two years. And so initially what had happened was that he would tell me stories about his relationship with his family and with other friends, and he would only give me half of the story. So, he would say, like, “They’re not listening to me. They’re throwing my addiction in my face. I’m just going to have to cut things off.” So, I didn’t really think anything about it. Then we get to a camping trip that I invited him to. He was high on mushrooms and weed the entire time to the point where he was just out of it. And, like, he almost put his foot into the fire and didn’t even realize he did it and then got angry that we weren’t inviting him to go on a hike. And I told him quite literally, “You are so out of it that I was afraid if we took you on a hike, you would fall over a mountain and die.” And so, he told me that he didn’t want to hear that and that we would have a talk. But then when we had the talk, he didn’t really want to talk about it. And he just kind of talked about how he was indulging more in his vices, and he was saying, quote unquote, “I was becoming Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and I was becoming the monster that I like to be.” So, I just kind of needed to separate myself from that. But then he started giving me ultimatums and saying, like, “I don’t know if you actually want to be my friend, but if you don’t, that’s completely fine. We can just cut it off.” And I said, “Okay, let’s talk about this.” And then our schedules weren’t aligning. And then finally he just kind of said, like, “I don’t really appreciate you not being there for me,” because there was one situation where he got blackout drunk, got on a scooter, rammed it into a parked car, knocked out all of his teeth, and passed out on the floor. And he tried to use that as leverage for me to stay friends with him. And I just kind of… For me personally–because I know about addiction–I was just like, “You can’t really use leverage against me because that’s not fair to me. Like, if you’re going to be my friend, obviously I’ll be there for you. But you shouldn’t be using that against me.” So, he just finally cut things off with me and didn’t want to talk. And then I cut things off–just blocked him on socials–blocked his phone number. And the day after that, I noticed that my side mirror on my car was completely broken off. And my friend lives right down the block from me. So, I kept on spiraling and thinking that it was actually happening. But I had heard from some mutual friends that he was getting better and that he was taking his treatment seriously. But then apparently his job started finding out about what he was doing, so he likely had another relapse and started spiraling. And a mutual friend kind of confirmed to me that said addiction friend actually broke my mirror and was bragging about it. So, my thing is, like, I understand that a lot of this behavior is just kind of the addiction coming to the forefront and that maybe somewhere down the line we could remedy things. But I’m just kind of finding it difficult to actually find a headspace to, like, find any hope for any kind of reconciliation. And I don’t really know if it’s worth pursuing in the long run.

 

NICOLE: This it’s tough because addiction does take over people. They are a different person. It’s technically not their fault because they are addicted to something. But I do think there is a line between being a good friend and being taken advantage of and having your boundaries crossed and your life being affected by this person’s addiction. I think as long as your life is being affected negatively, I do think you should go no contact with them because I don’t want you to spiral and feel bad or, like, have them do something that then affects you in a negative way, then you take it to work, or you take it to other parts of your life. I do think there is something to sending a message and being like, “When you’re ready to work on your addiction…” Honestly, maybe sobriety is not the thing they need. Maybe it’s just some sort of, like, therapy or, like, I don’t know… Like, they do ketamine treatments or whatever. Like, there’s a lot of different treatments that you still use but, you know, not as badly or whatever. I think you can reach out and be like, “I’m happy when you get your life under control to be your friend again.” I think… This is a little tough. I will say maybe talk to a therapist about it because I’m not a therapist. But yeah.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, we’re definitely not experts on this. But I like what you said, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry your friend’s going through this. Addiction affects so many people, and it sucks. And I think maybe if you do want to say anything at all, a message of, like, “Well… When you’re ready, I would like to actually be friends. But in the state that you’re currently in, that’s not going to work.” And–yeah–it sounds like when your friend receded, they weren’t in a place where they wanted to get better. And that’s hard to be around. You can’t help them if they don’t want to help themselves. So, yeah, I think right now maybe focus more on yourself and, like, protecting your peace before you try to bring this person back into your life. I hope that helps.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I have a friend who is currently an alcoholic–pretty bad alcoholic. I just put up boundaries that I don’t drink with them. And if they get too drunk, I leave a location because I don’t like seeing him like that. It makes me feel bad. And then I feel like I’m enabling him when I drink with him. So, like, that’s the boundary I’ve put up with him. So maybe that’s helpful? I don’t know.

 

MATT: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: You’re very sweet. Thank you.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Hi. Sorry. My heart is beating so fast. I kind of feel like your tit that one time.

 

SASHEER: Oh my God. Why would you bring that up? She’s talking about my first kiss. I had my first kiss when I was 17. And I was so nervous–my heart was beating so fast out of my chest–that my tit, like, gyrating out of my shirt. And the guy was like, “Are you okay?” I was like, “Yeah. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Okay. So, I understand that previous question was kind of heavy, so I have something shorter and a little bit more lighthearted. If you two had your own separate romantic comedies, who would you want to play as your love interest, and who would you want to play as yourselves, respectfully?

 

SASHEER: Why would it be separate? You’d be my love interest.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, you’d be my love interest. Not every love is romantic.

 

SASHEER: Exactly.

 

NICOLE: Some of it is platonic. I recently told my grandpa that Sasheer was my life partner. And I was like, “I think when we get old, if we’re not married, we’ll probably, like, live together and take care of each other.” And he was like, “Show her to me.” And I showed her. I showed my grandpa Sasheer, and he went, “Oh, okay.” And I don’t know what that means.

 

SASHEER: It’s like, “I trust that face.”

 

NICOLE: “I trust that nice. Okay.” Yeah. You’re my love interest.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Okay, so if I had to pick, like… a man… I actually wouldn’t pick a man. I’d pick Michelle Rodriguez. I really love how she’s just there. And I don’t mean that as, like, shade or anything, but, like, sometimes she’ll just be like, “Dom.” And you’re like, “You’re falling off a mountain, and, like, you’re just like, ‘Dom.’” Also, go see Fast X. It’s really fun. She’s so chill. That’d be my love interest… Or Jason Momoa in culottes.

 

SASHEER: Why in culottes specifically?

 

NICOLE: He wears a lot of gauchos in Fast X, and his nails are painted.

 

SASHEER: Are these all based on Fast X? You’re like, “That’s the last movie I saw. I would date all of them.”

 

NICOLE: Like, “Actually, Jason Statham. Actually, the Rock in the post-credits scene. Actually, you know, Dom’s son, Brian.” I’m kidding? That was a child. I did have one problem with the movie.

 

SASHEER: That’s not her question. But yes, what was your problem with Fast X?

 

NICOLE: Dom named his son Little B–Brian–after a person who’s alive in the franchise but dead in real life. It’s confusing. I answered the question. Michelle Rodriguez.

 

SASHEER: Yes, yes, yes. I would say Tessa Thompson. I had a thing for Domhnall Gleason for a while.

 

NICOLE: Oh, wait, I still have a thing for him. Him, too.

 

SASHEER: Yes. Those are answers.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #4: Thank you.

 

SASHEER: Thank you.

 

ANNA: Hi, my name is Anna. I’m here actually with one of my best friends, Cassie.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yay!

 

ANNA: And I’m currently in, like, a situationship. I’m dating someone that she doesn’t like, so I’m wondering…

 

SASHEER: She’s crossing her arms! She hates it!

 

ANNA: To be fair, I’ve given this guy multiple tries before, and he’s just not it. But I just keep coming back to him. And I know it’s a situationship. So, what would you say about dating people that your friends don’t like? Should I run? Is that the answer?

 

SASHEER: Well, Nicole definitely dated someone I did not like and… You know this!

 

NICOLE: It took me a second. I truly was like, “Who?” Yeah, he was bad.

 

SASHEER: Yes. But I think there were times where I was, like, maybe trying to give advice that I thought I would do if I was dating this person or whatever. And I felt like that… I mean, you tell me how you– Or whatever. Either respond to this or don’t. But it felt like if I was, like, too overbearing with, like, cautious advice or saying, “This guy sucks,” or whatever, you would recede.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I just didn’t tell you anything.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. And eventually I was like, “I’d rather know what’s going on because I don’t want you to be, like, sad by yourself or, like, being in a shitty situation I don’t know about it.” So, then I kind of, like, reeled my own opinions about this in and kept it more to myself. If there was something really bad, I would say, “Hey, I don’t like this.” But I would try not to harp on it too much because I was like, “Well, she’s going to learn her own lesson one way or another. I can’t tell her what to do. It’s her life. And I’d rather, like, know she’s okay than not.” So, I guess that’s more advice to your friend. She’s going to make her own mistakes. You already said you know it’s not a good situation, so let her go through it.

 

NICOLE: Does he have, like, a big ol’ dick?

 

ANNA: He really does. He really does.

 

NICOLE: The dude I was dating had an enormous, uncut dick And I was like, “Oh my God.” Every time I’d be like, “Maybe it’s love.”

 

NICOLE & SASHEER: Aww.

 

NICOLE: I thought you were coming to dispute the length of the dick.

 

SASHEER: She’s like, “Actually, I’ve seen it.” Okay. Well, I hope that helps.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I think she only doesn’t approve because she wants the best for you. Like Sasheer would be, like… I would tell her terrible stories, and she’d be like, “And how did that make you feel?” I’d be like, “Not good.” But it was, like, nice that you listened. Do you know what I mean? Like, it would have been not fun for you if you kept lecturing me to be like, “You shouldn’t be with him. Blah, blah, blah.” I’m like, “I’m not with him. We never go out during the day!”

 

ANNA: To just add to that, I do feel like I just have, like, lessons I need to learn. So, thank you for that.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, no problem.

 

NICOLE: Also, I’ll tell you this. You’re worth more than a situationship.

 

ANNA: Thank you.

 

NICOLE: You really are. I promise you.

 

AARON: Hello.

 

NICOLE: Hi.

 

AARON: My name is Aaron.

 

SASHEER: Hello.

 

AARON: So, mine is a little bit similar to theirs… Kind of. Kind of. It’s just friends and dating. In my friend group, we have Tyler and Zach. Tyler went out…

 

SASHEER: Do you really want to say their names?

 

NICOLE: We were all like, “Wow. Tyler and Zach.”

 

AARON: I was in line making up fake names.

 

SASHEER: Oh, good job.

 

AARON: So, Tyler went out with this guy, and the date didn’t go well. It was bad. And then a month later, Zach went out with the same guy. And they’re doing well. And since it’s our friend group, Tyler obviously found out. But now he’s giving Zach an ultimatum, like, “Me or him.” And we’re all like, “Tyler. You went on just one date with one guy. It was bad. Just get over it.” But he’s just in his feelings, so… I’m neither of the guys. What should both of them do, I guess?

 

NICOLE: I mean, the one who is rejected should just get over it. In my brain–I mean, it might suck to see this person and be like, “Oh it didn’t work out between us.” But, like, you can’t be happy that your friend is doing well with this other person?

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. What was the details of that?

 

AARON: They just didn’t get along. They didn’t vibe well.

 

SASHEER: Well then Tyler should know, like, obviously… Oh, Tyler does not like the guy?

 

SASHEER: He does.

 

NICOLE: So, he still likes him, so he’s, like, not over it? Tell him to listen to some Frank Ocean and, like, fucking move on.

 

AARON: He’s also a little bit, like, Bro Code. Like, “I went out with a guy.”

 

NICOLE: But it was one date? One date?

 

AARON: Yeah,

 

NICOLE: No, he gotta get over it. Let’s see. How do you present that to a friend, though? Wow. You guys are harsh. “Get the fuck over it! You ever seen Diaries of a Mad Black Woman?”

 

SASHEER: I mean, it sounds like someone needs to ask Tyler… Like, Tyler gave the ultimatum to Zach, but, like, “What matters more to you, Tyler? Your friend, who you were friends with for years, or this guy you had one date with?”

 

NICOLE: That’s good. That’s a real rational way of thinking. I’m like, “Get over it!”

 

SASHEER: Yeah, because that’s not fair because you’re, like, prioritizing this new person.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that might put things in perspective for them. I think that’s actually really good, Sasheer.

 

SASHEER: Thank you so much.

 

NICOLE: You’re welcome. Oh my gosh.

 

SASHEER: And I hope it helps.

 

AARON: Yeah. Thank you.

 

NICOLE: Solved!

 

AKILAH: Hi, guys.

 

SASHEER: Hi.

 

AKILAH: My name is Akilah. I’ve been in LA for, like, eight years.

 

JORDAN: Can you do me a favor? Could you just be a little bit closer to the mic? Thank you so much.

 

AKILAH: Is this better?

 

NICOLE: Pull it down.

 

SASHEER: Lower it. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Yeah.

 

AKILAH: I’m too short. Okay. Here we go. My name is Akilah. I’ve been in LA for, like, eight years, and I’ve had trouble finding quality friends. So, if I go to a dance class, I meet really cool people, vibe with them, share Instagrams, but just nothing pans out or they’re pretty flaky. So, do you have any tips on finding quality friends in LA?

 

NICOLE: Yeah.

 

SASHEER: There’s people here.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, there’s people here. Also, trap them. So, when you meet them, instead of just exchanging Instagrams, be like, “There’s a very cool place I wanted to try for dinner. Are you free any time next week to try it?”

 

AKILAH: Okay.

 

NICOLE: Trap them. And then they have to go through their phone and then be like, “Oh, I’m busy every day.” Or they’re like, “Tuesday works.” And then you’re like, “Tuesday works for me.” And then you go to dinner, and then hopefully it blossoms into a nice friendship.

 

SASHEER: I like that.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Trap them because LA people are flaky. And any time I’ve wanted to make a friend with someone here, I’ve had to trap them. I mean like, “What day will you see me?”

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I agree.

 

AKILAH: Get plans the first date?

 

NICOLE: Yes. The first time you meet them, and you’re, like, vibing or whatever, like, when you exchange Instagrams–instead of doing that, have a restaurant in mind to be like, “I want to go to this place.”

 

AKILAH: Thanks, guys.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Okay. I think this is the last one. No pressure.

 

AARON: No pressure. Hi. Longtime listener, first time questioner.

 

SASHEER: Oh. That tickled you.

 

NICOLE: I really liked it.

 

AARON: Wow, that was just a life goal of making you giggle. And I truly am going to ride that high for a long-ass time.

 

SASHEER: Aw.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: But I want to start off by saying, Nicole, I really appreciate how much you talk about therapy. COVID was hard for me, and I openly talk about therapy at work now, about how I need a mental health day, and about how things are really hard for me. With my family, who, you know, doesn’t use therapy at all–it’s helped my husband and I go to couples therapy. And so, I just want to say, like, I quote you all the time.

 

NICOLE: Oh, thank you.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: And both of you make me so happy. So, I just want to say thank you so much for, like, how much you talk about therapy. It just makes me feel like, you know, I’m not the only one out there. And I feel like not a lot of people do that, so I really appreciate that.

 

SASHEER: Thank you for telling us that.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Thank you. Everyone should be in therapy! We went through three years of a pandemic, and we’re all like, “We’re fine!”

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: And no one talks about that. It’s still going.

 

NICOLE: I keep saying it to people. I’m like, “We all went through something so dramatic, and we’re like, ‘La, la, la! We’re in Vegas! There’s the Eiffel Tower!’” We almost died!

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: We sprayed Lysol on french fries, and no one talks about that. Also, how’s Clyde?

 

NICOLE: Clyde is good.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: I thought I saw a dog here, and I was really excited it was Clyde?

 

NICOLE: No, he bites people.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: I’m okay with that.

 

NICOLE: I went to the Irvine Improv, and I brought him with me. And he bit the server, and she had to go to the hospital. And then I had to, like, present his paperwork that he didn’t have, like, rabies and shit. So, I don’t bring him anywhere anymore. Also, he doesn’t have very many teeth. But he’s like, “I’ll get ya!”

 

AARON: He’s going to use those once.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. But he’s good. Thank you for asking.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: I also went to your fake funeral in Montreal, and I have to say, it was pretty great.

 

NICOLE: Oh, thank you. So, in Montreal, there was, like, a living wake. So, it was a nice roast, where people say, like, nice stuff. And Matteo Lane did it. And he told a story but only got two words out, and we both started laughing. I don’t know if he finished the story.

 

AARON: It was great.

 

NICOLE: We just laughed so hard. Thank you.

 

SASHEER: Do you have anything to say about me?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Well, I didn’t know how much time I had.

 

SASHEER: I’m here, too.

 

AARON: Damn. Dragged alive. I did have, like, a half a bottle of Sauvignon blanc before I came up here, so I was nervous.

 

NICOLE: Yes, diva!

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: But I got a question, I swear to God. Sorry. So, I had a really bad falling out with a friend from high school. I live in D.C., and I just never went home to North Carolina to see her. And so, you know, it just was kind of like a toxic me always being the planner–always being the person who did all of the work. And kind of I was just like, “Why am I doing this kind of thing?” And then I found out that I had planned this whole activity–this whole weekend–taking time off work. They were going to come. And then one of my other best friends tells me they were on a trip with them, and they had been saying how they had been just lying to my face the whole time and weren’t going to come. And they had told me they had been running. And I was like, “Oh, that’s great. You always said you hated running. Let’s go do this race together. You know, I’m not a great runner, but, like, you know, we could train together from far and, like, kind of bond over that.” And they said, “Yeah, I just don’t really want to tell him the truth. So, I just keep telling him I’m going to come. And I never went.” So, I just stopped responding to her because I have, like, you know, mental health stuff like everyone does. And so, I was like, “I’m just not doing that shit.” My husband was like, “Yeah, just give up. You’ve put a lot of work into it. It’s just not worth it.” And so, I did, and they sent a lot of texts, you know, apologizing after the fact. But now I have to go to a bachelorette, and I might be officiating a wedding where they’re a bridesmaid in it for our other friend. And I wanted to know… Yeah. So how should I approach that? I texted her because she got married the other day. And she texted me when I got married. And we hadn’t talked. And I was like, “Good luck. Godspeed,” but just, like, you know, trying to be like, “You did it, so I’m going to do it back to you.” But now I’m kind of like, “How do I not make this super uncomfortable because we’re going to New Orleans, so no one will be sober?” So, I just want to avoid, like, attention being on that and taking away from anyone else.

 

SASHEER: Do you want to do a phone call before you get down there?

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking kind of.

 

NICOLE: I think–yeah–a phone call might be nice.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Because I just want to be like, “We had our situation. Let’s move on and know that it’s about this other person and not us.”

 

SASHEER: I think that’s great.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: But I’m just, like, dreading it.

 

NICOLE: I feel like most conversations I’ve had with friends or anyone in my life that feels heavy–it’s usually better or easier than you anticipate.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Because we’re probably both nervous.

 

SASHEER: I’m sure. I’m sure your friend is also like, “Oh my God, I don’t know what will happen.”

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: We’ve been friends since high school. And then all of a sudden, I was just like, “It’s just not worth it.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah, I think maybe, like, send a text like, “Hey, do you have time to talk before we go on this trip? I’d love to, like…” You don’t even have to say what it’s about. Just like, “Do you have time to chat?” And then it isn’t going to be a long chat. You don’t have to rehash anything. It could just be like, “Yeah, I want to be around you in the situation and not have it feel weird because we’re here for somebody else’s celebration. And let’s do that.” So yeah.

 

NICOLE: I agree. I think that’s very smart. And I know I catastrophize in my brain–evidence with the shower sex stuff. I can’t believe that I thought the glass– Anyway, I tend to have this issue. I need to talk to somebody, but like, “What if they hate me? What if they’re mad at me? What if they push me down the stairs?” which is a thing I say to my therapist a lot. She’s always like, “Why do you think people are going to push you down the stairs?” I’m like, “I don’t know! It could happen!” But I think you might think it’s going to be a worse conversation than it is. Your friend might just be like, “Yeah, we did have a falling out. We’re not as close anymore. But we can still be in the same room, and we can still have a conversation.” But yeah, I also do think it’s important to remember that, like, it’s not about you. It’s about your friend getting married. And if drinking does, like, make things more intense… I mean, it might suck, being in New Orleans, but, like, maybe you just drink a little less. Maybe two in, you’re like, “That’s my limit for now.” Or if, like, she’s getting really drunk… Do you know what I mean? Just, like, remove yourself a little bit from a place where something could, like, be contemptuous? Look at these words.

 

SASHEER: You plopped down like it wore you out. “Enough big words for me.”

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: I’ll Google that when I get home.

 

SASHEER: I hope that helps.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #5: Thank you again for everything.

 

SASHEER: Yes! Thank you. I think that’s it.

 

NICOLE & SASHEER: We did it! Thank you so much for coming.

 

NICOLE: Hopefully we’ll do more live shows because Sasheer is back in town and there’s a writers’ strike!

 

SASHEER: So, we’re around!

 

NICOLE: So, we’re both unemployed! Solidarity.

 

SASHEER: Thank you for coming! Have a good night!