EP. 184 — Sasheer Will Have a Glass of Hot Water with Lauren Lapkus & Laura Willcox – Re-Release

 

Sasheer [00:00:03] Happy holidays, everyone. We’re going to take a week off to celebrate, but we are not leaving you high and dry. We are going to rerelease a classic Best Friends episode from behind the paywall, where we play Besting Each Other with best friends Laura Wilcox and Lauren Lapkus. You might have seen Laura on Inside Amy Schumer or You’re the Worst. And you might know Lauren Lapkus from Good Girls, The Wrong Missy, or on her podcast with Nicole, Newcomers. This episode is so sweet. And it’s genuine. And it’s funny. And you can tell that the love is real, palpable, and heartwarming. The perfect holiday episode with friends. Enjoy, and have a great holiday season.

 

Nicole [00:01:00] So this segment we call–

 

Sasheer [00:01:04] Besting Each Other. What were you going to say?

 

Nicole [00:01:08] I didn’t know. I just knew our show is called Best Friends and this was a segment, and I figured you would get it right.

 

Sasheer [00:01:14] Yeah. Besting Each Other.

 

Nicole [00:01:15] Besting Each Other. Okay.

 

Sasheer [00:01:17] This segment is called…

 

Nicole [00:01:19] Besting Each Other. And the third voice you’re hearing… Ooh, baby. Ooh, she writes on The Jim Jefferies Show on Comedy Central. She’s got a book that’s always for sale–they never take it off the shelves ’cause it’s hot, hot, hot–I Am Bride. It’s Laura Wilcox!

 

Sasheer [00:01:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were also on a twoprov team together.

 

Laura [00:01:42] Yes.

 

Sasheer [00:01:42] Years and years ago. Oh, and she has a baby.

 

Nicole [00:01:45] Yeah. This is for Joanie.

 

Laura [00:01:46] I was like, “What is that?”

 

Nicole [00:01:49] It’s our soundboard. It’s bad.

 

Laura [00:01:50] Oh, yeah. That’s a terrible cry.

 

Nicole [00:01:54] Joanie–she didn’t cry when I met her.

 

Laura [00:01:55] No, she cries. I mean, she’s a happy baby, but she also, you know, cries every day.

 

Nicole [00:02:01] Every day?

 

Laura [00:02:01] I mean, they cry.

 

Nicole [00:02:03] Don’t we all?

 

Laura [00:02:04] That’s the only way they can communicate.

 

Sasheer [00:02:05] Yeah. Sucks.

 

Nicole [00:02:06] I’m always crying.

 

Laura [00:02:07] Me too. I love a cry.

 

Sasheer [00:02:08] I will never cry.

 

Laura [00:02:15] You don’t cry much.

 

Nicole [00:02:16] Yeah, I don’t think you cry very much. But you cry.

 

Sasheer [00:02:19] Yeah, I cry.

 

Nicole [00:02:20] I think I’ve only seen you cry twice.

 

Sasheer [00:02:22] I believe that to be sure.

 

Laura [00:02:24] What’s that like? I cry really, really often–really easily.

 

Sasheer [00:02:28] It takes a lot. I don’t know.

 

Nicole [00:02:31] Well, the first time a tear fell in your face, I didn’t know what to do. I was like, “She doesn’t have liquid in her, and it’s coming out.”

 

Laura [00:02:39] “She’s going to get dehydrated.”

 

Sasheer [00:02:40] “This never happens.”

 

Nicole [00:02:41] “She needs the liquid. Suck it back up!” And the second time, I was more prepared.

 

Sasheer [00:02:46] Oh, good.

 

Nicole [00:02:48] And I was just like, “You’ll be okay.”

 

Laura [00:02:50] I’m in awe of people who can just, like, cope. Cope healthily.

 

Sasheer [00:02:56] Well, it’s also maybe, like, detachment, which isn’t great either.

 

Laura [00:03:00] I guess we’re all wrong in our ways.

 

Nicole [00:03:06] Well, Laura Wilcox, we have your best friend, Lauren Lapkus, sequestered away.

 

Sasheer [00:03:11] Locked away.

 

Nicole [00:03:12] We locked her up. “Lock her up! Send her back!” These are fun things I love shouting now.

 

Sasheer [00:03:20] We’re going to take it back.

 

Nicole [00:03:21] We’re trying to take it back. Although I did say during an improv show, “build a wall!” And the crowd really turned on me hard.

 

Laura [00:03:30] Like, “I’m kidding!”

 

Nicole [00:03:31] Yes! And then we had a character named Harvey Builderstein because we were mapping construction with sexual harassment in Hollywood. The crowd was onboard for that.

 

Laura [00:03:41] They’re like, “This we like.”

 

Nicole [00:03:42] But then when we were like, “Build a wall around Harvey Builderstein,” they did not like it. It’s too real. All right. First question. Laura Wilcox, how did you and Lauren Lapkus meet?

 

Laura [00:03:55] Well, we met–wouldn’t you guess–in an improv class. It was–I want to say–improv 301 with also Shaun Diston. People may know him. No, no. Maybe was 401. Whatever. Who cares? I had been in a class previously with Shaun. Oh, my mic is slowly inching away from me. And we wanted to form an indie team together, but we wanted to be, like, the best indie team. And so, we took 401 together, and Lauren was in that class. And she had just moved from Chicago where she’d already been performing. And she was really, really funny. And she was just so much better than everyone else in the class. Like, she was only taking the class so that she could perform at UCB, not because she needed to learn improv. And we were like, “Who is this girl? She’s so good. She’s so funny.” And we’re like, “Should we ask her to be in our amazing indie team that’s so far just the two of us–two new, very young improvisers?” And luckily, she had no friends in New York. She had, like, one friend in New York. So, she was like, “Yes!” And I remember, you know, getting drinks after, like, a show or somewhere maybe after class. And we both realized that our first crush was on live action Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I feel like that was a moment that really, like, cinched the friendship. We’re like, “All right, we are compatible.” And we started doing two-person twoprov together, which we still do– LapCox–you know, when we can out here. And doing that show was so fun. That was one of the first times where I really was like, “Improv’s a drug.” I remember just leaving the theater, being like, electrified. That was, like, the most fun I’d ever had doing improv and performing on stage. It was just so easy and joyful, and I felt so safe playing with her because she’s so good. I feel like I learned a lot from performing with her. So that’s the long answer of how we met.

 

Sasheer [00:05:57] What year was the indie team?

 

Laura [00:06:00] I think it was 2009. Boys Club for Men.

 

Nicole [00:06:07] Yes! I remember that team.

 

Sasheer [00:06:09] Yeah, me too.

 

Laura [00:06:10] I think Lauren suggested that name. It makes me laugh. It’s a funny name.

 

Nicole [00:06:13] It’s a funny name. And I think I only saw you guys after Lauren left.

 

Laura [00:06:17] Yeah. Oh, sorry.

 

Nicole [00:06:20] No, I thought you guys were good!

 

Laura [00:06:23] Thank you.

 

Nicole [00:06:23] We have a similar experience. When we performed for the first time together, it was very electrifying. Also, that first performance still lives on the internet.

 

Laura [00:06:32] Really?

 

Sasheer [00:06:33] Wait, it was recorded? At the Creek?

 

Nicole [00:06:36] No, it was at a weird place with, like, a red background.

 

Sasheer [00:06:39] Oh, yeah, yeah.

 

Nicole [00:06:40] And it’s still online. And it’s still pretty funny.

 

Laura [00:06:45] I think there is an old… I think Lauren had moved to L.A. by then, I was out visiting, and we did a show in the upstairs of IO–R.I.P–which is also online. Someone filmed it. I think it’s still up. And they put, I think even little, like, credits ahead before. It was like, “LapCox.”

 

Nicole [00:07:02] Oh, what a treat. I hope someone else took the time to edit your name on it and give credits to it. I hope there’s, like, a flourish.

 

Laura [00:07:13] A star wipe.

 

Sasheer [00:07:15] I used to edit, like, promo videos for our show.

 

Nicole [00:07:19] You sure did.

 

Laura [00:07:19] That’s smart.

 

Sasheer [00:07:20] That’s how I got into editing. And then I stopped immediately after we didn’t perform anymore.

 

Nicole [00:07:26] I mean, hey, maybe you’ll get back into it.

 

Sasheer [00:07:28] Yeah, maybe. I do like it.

 

Nicole [00:07:30] Yeah. Make us promos.

 

Sasheer [00:07:31] Okay.

 

Nicole [00:07:32] We’ll put them on Instagram. Okay. Laura, what’s your favorite memory of traveling together?

 

Laura [00:07:39] Oh, okay. We went down to Philly to do an improv festival, and I remember I borrowed my parents’ car from New Jersey, drove it into the city, picked up everyone–this was Boys Club for Men. And I remember we had to drive to, like… I hadn’t been to, like, Brooklyn a lot. I didn’t live in Brooklyn. I lived, like, all the way up near Columbia.

 

Nicole [00:08:04] Where?

 

Laura [00:08:06] On 103rd and Broadway.

 

Nicole [00:08:08] I lived at 125th and Broadway.

 

Laura [00:08:10] And then I lived on 111th and Broadway. I lived a little closer to you.

 

Nicole [00:08:12] Oh, look at us. Morningside Heights, bitches.

 

Laura [00:08:19] I remember driving to, like, deep Park Slope to pick her up from a babysitting job, so then we could all drive. And I just remember there was so much traffic, everyone was, like, doing bits like crazy in the car–in my parents Volvo station wagon–and feeling just really tired and kind of stressed out because I didn’t really know where I was going. But then we did the show, and it, like, crushed. I mean, I guess that’s not that specific, but I just remember it being really fun and I was really glad that Lauren was there because I remember her getting kind of annoyed at all the bits in the car, too. We were the only girls on the team, so I think we were like, “All right, shut up.” Otherwise, I don’t know if we’ve traveled that much together. Before I moved here, she moved to L.A. in, like, 2010. So, a lot of our friendship has been long distance before I finally moved out here, so I would come stay with her. And that was always fun. I don’t know.

 

Sasheer [00:09:15] Yeah, that’s great. When did you move to L.A.?

 

Laura [00:09:20] Three years ago.

 

Nicole [00:09:23] Really? Dang! Time really does fly when you’re podcasting.

 

Laura [00:09:27] I know. It’s true!

 

Nicole [00:09:31] I’m gonna die talking into a mic.

 

Sasheer [00:09:33] What’s your favorite thing about Lauren?

 

Laura [00:09:39] Oh, man… I feel like she’s someone I can talk to about anything. And also, she and I share the trait–we’re, like, instant responders. And again, a lot of our friendship was long distance, but we remained really close. And I think it’s because we have similar communication. She’s a good communicator. She’ll respond quickly to a text, and we can have a long conversation by text. Even my own sister–I feel like I’ll go, like, a month without talking to her sometimes because I’ll text her and she’ll two days later be like, “Oh, I forgot to respond.” And there’s just no back and forth. And we both compulsively respond to an email right away and to a text right away. And I just feel like she’s someone I could… We just, like, communicate well. And it was just so easy to maintain a friendship with her from across the country. I mean, we’d only been friends for, like, less than a year when she moved. It made more sense that that friendship should just kind of fade away, but it just got stronger somehow, which is great. Also, she’s funny as heck, and I just… Yeah.

 

Nicole [00:10:47] When you initiate texts, is it a “hello,” or is it with purpose?

 

Laura [00:10:54] I think it’s just, like, dive right in. I mean, sometimes it’s like, “Oh, I haven’t talked to you in a while. Checking in.” You know, we haven’t seen each other in a little while just because she gets busy. Or it’ll be, “Here’s a thing I just want to tell you.” Or “I’m going to, like, complain about this,” or “Celebrate this.” There’s a bunch of mommy bloggers we follow. We love to rip on their husbands. The husbands are so lame. So, it’s, like, really fun to just text each other photos of the lame husbands of mommy bloggers that we follow. I mean, that brings me–and I think her–endless joy. It’s a big part of our relationship. So, you know.

 

Nicole [00:11:33] I love that. I send Sasheer very long voicemails.

 

Laura [00:11:37] Oh, I like that.

 

Nicole [00:11:40] Like, rudely long. And then I once–two days ago, three days, maybe a week ago–called her old number by accident. A nice woman named Susan has that number, who lives in, like, North Carolina. And she has actually been like, “Please stop inviting me to improv shows.”

 

Laura [00:11:56] Wait, do you guys call each other on the phone?

 

Sasheer [00:11:58] Yeah.

 

Nicole [00:11:58] Do you call Lauren?

 

Laura [00:12:01] No. I call, like, my parents–and that’s it. I don’t call anyone.

 

Nicole [00:12:05] I think we’re weird.

 

Laura [00:12:05] I love that, though. I like that. I wish I did that more with, like, everyone.

 

Sasheer [00:12:12] Yeah, I think you’re the only friend I call.

 

Nicole [00:12:14] You’re absolutely the only friend I call. Well, except for my friend John because he’s in Australia. So, when we get each other and we’re both awake at the same time, it’s like, “Well, we should just call each other and just have a conversation.” But for the most part, yeah, just you. But this woman, Susan, I gave her all my contact information. I was doing a bit. I talked in a baby voice for a full minute, and I was like, “If you need my number, it’s 7–” And then I was like, “And here’s my email addwess.” I might have given her my actual address, too. I don’t remember. But then I, like, texted her. I was like, “Your mailbox is empty.” She’s like, “It isn’t.” And I was like, “Susan.” Oh no. Poor Susan.

 

Sasheer [00:12:54] Poor Susan. Yeah.

 

Laura [00:12:55] I’m going to start calling Lauren. I feel like there’s been a few times I have called her for some reason. She’s like, “Hello…?” Like, I don’t think she talks on the phone much either.

 

Nicole [00:13:04] Oh, it’s startling to call somebody.

 

Sasheer [00:13:05] She’s like, “This must be an accident.”

 

Laura [00:13:07] Yeah, or an emergency.

 

Sasheer [00:13:09] Yes.

 

Laura [00:13:10] Like, “What’s wrong?”

 

Nicole [00:13:12] If you ever had an emergency, I won’t know how to differentiate it.

 

Sasheer [00:13:15] Yeah.

 

Nicole [00:13:17] I guess you text me if you’re having an emergency. “Call me. I’m having an emergency.”

 

Sasheer [00:13:21] Yes. You’ve done that, and it wasn’t an emergency. So, I really don’t know how I’m going to differentiate.

 

Nicole [00:13:28] Wait. No, I haven’t!

 

Sasheer [00:13:29] You texted me, called me, called my man to be like, “Where is she?” And then I called you back, and you told me a story that wasn’t great, but it wasn’t an emergency. Definitely could’ve waited until the next day.

 

Nicole [00:13:44] Yeah, you’re right. I did. I did text your fiancé.

 

Laura [00:13:46] Sometimes you gotta talk; you just want to talk.

 

Nicole [00:13:50] Okay. What is Lauren’s favorite thing about you?

 

Laura [00:13:55] I’m going to say it’s that I feel–and I hope this is right–that she can talk to me about anything or that I think we are on the same wavelength about what we want from our friends, which is, like, someone you can confide in and who can really understand you, support you, and be there for you through the shit. I feel like with any new friendship I make, you need to go through some shit, and then it, like, feels real. I can’t have a friendship with someone I can’t be vulnerable with. And if they can’t feel vulnerable with me, then it’s just surface level. And if you can, like, talk about the real stuff…

 

Sasheer [00:14:36] Yeah.

 

Laura [00:14:37] And hopefully she knows that she can kind of talk about anything with me, I’ll treasure that, and I want her to. She’s worried about her stress, about her man, about whatever… And yeah, I hope that I’m a good friend in that way and that she likes it. I guess we’ll find out.

 

Sasheer [00:15:00] Can you remember when in the friendship you guys started opening up about real stuff and it wasn’t just like, “Oh, we’re just buddies that talk about surface stuff. Now we’re talking about, like, real shit.”

 

Laura [00:15:12] Actually, yeah. I do remember when she was still living in New York–before she had moved–I went out there to her Brooklyn apartment. She was living with our friend Mackenzie. And they lived in this apartment that had a bathtub, like, in the kitchen living room. It was, like, a living room kitchen, but the stove sink had a bathtub next to the closet.

 

Nicole [00:15:35] Stove sink!

 

Laura [00:15:37] And so I went out there to, like, hang out. We’re going to, like, make dinner together. And I brought, like, a recipe for roasted sweet potatoes. And Lauren had never had sweet potatoes before because she’s psychotic. There’s, like, all these foods she’s never eaten. She’s, like, never had a sweet potato before. I, like, brought the groceries with me, and she didn’t have a knife. Like, she had a butter knife. She didn’t have, like, a sharp knife. And so we were, like, hacking up raw, sweet potatoes with butter. And I think she had a pizza roller, and so we were using that. And so, we roasted sweet potatoes, and they were really good. And she was like, “Wow, I love sweet potatoes. Never had them before.” I was like, “That’s nuts.” So, we just had sweet potatoes for dinner. And I just, like, sat on her couch and talked. And I remember she was in a relationship at the time; she was telling me a lot about that. And I think maybe I was in a relationship at the time, too. And yeah, it was just like a nice bonding one-on-one time. It’s a very happy memory. I think we walked around her neighborhood to see if we could buy a knife somewhere. We couldn’t. It was also one of the first times I’d been to Brooklyn, which I lived in for a long time later–actually, in that same neighborhood. But yeah, I feel like that was real–where we just were sharing with each other. It felt very comfortable and fun.

 

Nicole [00:17:02] I love that. Two white women roaming Brooklyn, looking for a knife.

 

Laura [00:17:06] “Excuse me, sir. Do you know where we can get a big, sharp knife?”

 

Nicole [00:17:12] What is something that drives Lauren crazy? What is something that you–Laura–do that drives Lauren crazy?

 

Laura [00:17:22] Oh… I can be really negative, or I’m, like, a catastrophizer. So, I worry a lot, and I project a lot. If I’m waiting to hear back about a job or if I’ve even gotten a job, I’ll be like, “But what if all these worst-case scenarios happen?” And I, like, live in that. And I will word vomit that to her, and she’ll be like, “You need to stop doing that. Or everything can just work out.” So, I feel like I dump on her a lot–all my worries about a situation that hasn’t ever happened and will never happen. But in my head, it’s currently happening. I’m like, “Well, I’ll wait to hear about this job, and I’m not going to get it. And here’s all these reasons, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” And she’ll be like, “Or you might get it. Just wait and see.” And she’ll never say this but sort of like, “Stop. Shut up.” And I’m like, “Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay.” So, I can imagine that’s annoying.

 

Nicole [00:18:20] What is something that Lauren does that drives you crazy?

 

Laura [00:18:28] Food is such a big part of my life. Like, I love to eat. I love, like, eating weird things.

 

Nicole [00:18:34] Like what?

 

Sasheer [00:18:38] Sweet potatoes?

 

Nicole [00:18:38] “Fucking weird.”

 

Laura [00:18:39] Like, going out. That’s something that my husband and I have in common; we’ll spend all our money on, like, fancy restaurants. Like, we just love to eat. Like, it’s just a hobby. And, like, Lauren doesn’t really care. For her, food is more just, like, sustenance. I remember her saying once on a podcast that she’s never bitten into a peach. Hopefully, she has by now. I think that was on WTF. She’s like, “I’ve never bitten into a peach.” And I was listening and driving my car, and I screamed. And I was like, “What? That’s unacceptable.” So, I do feel like sometimes I’m like, “There’s this whole part of my life where I want to, like, go to some crazy ass restaurant. And I’d love to go with her, but that’s not a thing she can do.” This is a very, like, petty, small thing, though.

 

Sasheer [00:19:23] It is important, though.

 

Nicole [00:19:26] Here’s maybe a fun place that both of you can enjoy. There’s this place called Barton something? And it’s in L.A. But it’s like Barton or Barton’s. Anyway, the food’s terrible, but it comes on, like, a big fork or something stupid.

 

Laura [00:19:40] Oh, yes! I’ve seen this on The Real Housewives. There’s, like, lobster pop tarts that come out in a toaster.

 

Nicole [00:19:46] “Barton G. The Restaurant.”

 

Laura [00:19:50] Down.

 

Nicole [00:19:53] That might be a fun way to share the, like, opulence. ‘Cause it is an opulent place. The food is trash. And then the server will bring you your food and go, “May I have your phone?” And you go, “What?” And then they take pictures of you with these giant things.

 

Laura [00:20:06] Oh my God, they do it for you.

 

Nicole [00:20:07] Yeah, it’s great.

 

Laura [00:20:08] I will say also she has, like, all these, like, stomach problems, so a lot of things make her feel sick. And that’s why she does not like food.

 

Nicole [00:20:13] It’s, like, simple food. They’ll be like, “Here’s a cheeseburger… on a mousetrap!”

 

Laura [00:20:22] I mean, I’m really down for that.

 

Nicole [00:20:25] It’s dumb. I gotta take you.

 

Sasheer [00:20:26] Yeah, I want to go.

 

Nicole [00:20:28] It’s so dumb. And it’s, like, insanely expensive for trash food.

 

Laura [00:20:32] I don’t know if you watch The Real Housewives, but in The Real Housewives of New York, Bethenny Frankel was having, like, a meltdown, screaming at Countess LuAnn at one of these places. So, she’s literally standing up and screaming, “You’re sick! You’re an alcoholic!” And, like, someone’s coming in and placing a popcorn machine on the table and, like, a toaster with, like, lobster toaster strudel. It’s so funny.

 

Nicole [00:20:57] I gotta say, reality TV doesn’t get enough credit for being better than comedy. You can’t write it.

 

Laura [00:21:02] You can’t parody it. It’s perfect.

 

Nicole [00:21:04] It’s so good.

 

Laura [00:21:06] It’s so good.

 

Nicole [00:21:06] Okay, we’re running out of time. Two more questions. Who would be better on Survivor?

 

Laura [00:21:13] Probably Lauren because she’s, like, a reality show aficionado. And so, she’s probably, like, watched it. Well, but I feel like I’d also, like, eat a rat, you know? But I feel like she knows how to, like, play the game. And I’d be bad at it just because I’ve never watched the show. But I feel like, you know, maybe together we’d be a strong team. Are there teams on that show? I don’t know. I’ve literally never watched.

 

Nicole [00:21:36] I don’t know. But wouldn’t it be funny if Lauren’s eaten a rat but not a peach?

 

Sasheer [00:21:41] “Oh, I’ve bitten into a rat. I just haven’t bitten into a peach.”

 

Laura [00:21:43] “It just hasn’t come up.”

 

Nicole [00:21:45] Okay. Laura, last question. What do you hope you’re both doing in 20 years?

 

Laura [00:21:51] I hope we’re both still doing something in this dumb ass industry. I hope we’re still friends. I hope, you know, our families are tight. I feel like we should go on a trip together with our husbands. I think that would be fun. Maybe just to Barton G. but, like, in a different city.

 

Nicole [00:22:13] I don’t know if it exists in a different city. I think it’s an anomaly.

 

Laura [00:22:20] It probably exists in, like, Miami.

 

Nicole [00:22:21] Oh, probably. Miami has a lot of dumb places.

 

Sasheer [00:22:23] Or Vegas or something.

 

Nicole [00:22:25] Miami’s fun. Humid, but fun. We went on a dolphing watch.

 

Sasheer [00:22:30] A “dolphing watch?”

 

Nicole [00:22:33] How am I–?

 

Sasheer [00:22:35] A “dolphin.”

 

Nicole [00:22:35] Dolphing watch.

 

Sasheer [00:22:39] Oh, like “whaling?”

 

Laura [00:22:42] “Dolphining?”

 

Nicole [00:22:42] Dolphin. Watch. What was I saying?

 

Sasheer [00:22:45] Dolphing. Like golfing?

 

Nicole [00:22:47] I gotta go home. I don’t feel good. I gotta go home. This is the beginning of a stroke. I don’t know. My mouth is sick. Well, Laura, that’s it.

 

Sasheer [00:23:02] We’ll see you in a bit.

 

Laura [00:23:03] See you later.

 

Nicole [00:23:04] We’ll see you in approximately 15, maybe 20 minutes.

 

Laura [00:23:06] Bye.

 

Sasheer [00:23:07] Bye!

 

Nicole [00:23:08] Bye, bye. Second part of Best Friend Test! Wait, what’s it called?

 

Sasheer [00:23:22] Besting Each Other. Best Friend Test is nice, though.

 

Nicole [00:23:31] No, Besting Each Other. We’ve established something. And I’ve decided to go off the rails. Besting Each Other. Ooh, baby. You know her from Orange is the New Black! You know her from Harvey Girls Forever! Eight episodes of the Big Bang Theory!

 

Sasheer [00:23:44] She’s reading off her IMDb.

 

Nicole [00:23:44] Crashing! Big City Greens! Holmes & Watson! Animals.! And then you’ve got your podcast With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus, and then Raised by TV. And I think you only have two.

 

Lauren [00:23:58] No, I have four. I have Threedom and then the Wild Horses podcast, which is just live shows I’ve already done that I’m releasing right now.

 

Nicole [00:24:04] Yeah. We have the same amount of podcasts. It’s overwhelming.

 

Lauren [00:24:11] We’re ill. We need help.

 

Nicole [00:24:12] We’re sick; we love to talk. I didn’t say your name. I didn’t say your name! Wait, no I did! Lauren Lapkus!

 

Lauren [00:24:20] Hi! Oh, how are you? What’s in your Stitcher mug there? Is there a white, foam cream in there?

 

Nicole [00:24:26] No, it’s just when you make coffee with one of those machines, it gets very foamy and it’s strange and maybe not good for you. I don’t know because I’ve never seen coffee foam the way it does when it comes out of those machines where you press a button.

 

Lauren [00:24:41] Yeah. I don’t drink coffee so I don’t know.

 

Nicole [00:24:43] Oh, you don’t drink coffee?

 

Lauren [00:24:44] Yeah, that’s my humblebrag.

 

Sasheer [00:24:45] Me neither.

 

Lauren [00:24:45] You don’t?

 

Sasheer [00:24:46] I don’t. Never have.

 

Lauren [00:24:47] That’s great. I always love meeting someone who doesn’t drink it. You drink caffeine tea, or no?

 

Sasheer [00:24:54] No, not really.

 

Nicole [00:24:55] You drink decaffeinated tea? You like the taste of tea?

 

Sasheer [00:24:58] I actually don’t. I mostly drink hot water. With lemon.

 

Lauren [00:25:03] Ooh, I’ve never done that.

 

Nicole [00:25:03] She loves hot water.

 

Sasheer [00:25:05] Or apple cider vinegar.

 

Lauren [00:25:06] What does that do?

 

Sasheer [00:25:08] It helps clear you out. It helps your digestion, clears up your skin…

 

Lauren [00:25:13] It’s like O.G. kombucha. It’s just, like, straight up apple cider.

 

Nicole [00:25:17] Yuck.

 

Sasheer [00:25:19] Get that with the mother.

 

Lauren [00:25:21] I hate that it’s called “the mother.”

 

Sasheer [00:25:22] I know. It’s very weird.

 

Lauren [00:25:23] The goo that’s in kombucha is called “the mother” because people grow it to make it. To make kombucha you have to grow the mother. And their mother will get out of control. It will get so big. I’ve seen people post like, “Does anyone want some of my mother because it’s gotten too big!” They have to, like, cut it or give it to somebody.

 

Nicole [00:25:46] Slicing up the mom.

 

Sasheer [00:25:48] Is this pictures of mother?

 

Lauren [00:25:50] Ew. It looks like a big gross meat or something.

 

Sasheer [00:25:54] Yeah, like a slice of baloney or something.

 

Nicole [00:25:56] I’ve never been angrier at kombucha.

 

Lauren [00:25:58] It’s disgusting.

 

Sasheer [00:26:01] It’s a fungus.

 

Lauren [00:26:02] I feel sick.

 

Nicole [00:26:05] Ew. We don’t have time to get into why kombucha is a thing and why people are drinking their moms. Oh, that really made me so upset.

 

Lauren [00:26:14] Well, you can’t think about that if you’re going to drink kombucha.

 

Nicole [00:26:17] Do you drink kombucha?

 

Lauren [00:26:18] I like it. But I’m really shocked that I like it. When I first had it, I thought it was repulsive.

 

Nicole [00:26:21] I think it tastes like swamp water. But I’ve never had swamp water, I just assumed that what… It looks like swamp water.

 

Lauren [00:26:29] Only some of the flavors are really good.

 

Nicole [00:26:29] Oh boy, this lady I met was drinking flavored apple cider vinegar out of, like, a bottle that was, like, for consumption and not just, like, teaspoons. It was like a juice drink. Do you know what I’m talking about?

 

Lauren [00:26:40] No.

 

Sasheer [00:26:42] Did it have, like, a pink label?

 

Nicole [00:26:43] Maybe. It was flavored apple cider vinegar. And she was like, “You’ll like the grape.” And I was like, “That’s because I’m Black.” And she was black, too. And I was like, “You got it. I probably will like it. I love grape.”

 

Sasheer [00:26:53] “You like the watermelon one.”

 

Nicole [00:26:54] I sure do. I love sweet stuff. Okay, Lauren, let’s get into this. Okay. How did you and Laura meet?

 

Lauren [00:27:01] We met at UCB in New York. I had just moved there, and I think she was in my first class. And I was very threatened by her. I was just coming out of Chicago, and I’d been doing improv for a few years, and so then I was like, “I already have been doing improv, and so I’m going to start with people who don’t do improv.” And she was so funny, and I was like, “Oh fuck.” And then I was like, “Okay, I have to be your friend. I should do a team with her.” And so, we started an indie team with Shaun Diston, Nick Vatterott, Jason Curtis, and Nick Faber. Maybe that was it. I hope I’m not forgetting someone.

 

Nicole [00:27:40] Do you remember the name of this team?

 

Lauren [00:27:42] Boys Club for Men.

 

Nicole [00:27:44] Who named this team?

 

Lauren [00:27:47] Me! I really take pride in naming my team. I named Wild Horses, too. I’m just going to put that out there. Thank you. Yeah, I was really excited about that. And then Shaun just did my podcast last week and named the episode Boys Club for Men. Throwback!

 

Sasheer [00:27:58] Oh, that’s sweet.

 

Nicole [00:28:01] Anytime I see the Wild Horses brand wine in the supermarket, I go, “Ooh!”

 

Lauren [00:28:05] Me too.

 

Sasheer [00:28:08] Do you remember what year that was?

 

Lauren [00:28:10] That was 2008 or 2009. At the end of 2008 I would guess.

 

Nicole [00:28:21] Sick, sick, sick. What is your favorite memory from traveling together?

 

Lauren [00:28:27] Oh, wow. Okay, I have a couple. One is, like, the shitty version, which is that we went and did a women’s comedy festival in Texas. And we had, like, no money, so we stayed in a really shitty hotel and were eating peanut butter sandwiches all the time for the whole trip. And then I had a gift card to Applebee’s, I want to say, that someone had given me for $25. And we were like, “Let’s go to Applebee’s for dinner.” But to do that, we had to take, like, two buses and then walk along the highway.

 

Sasheer [00:29:03] Applebee’s is not worth that.

 

Nicole [00:29:05] Yes, it is when you’re poor.

 

Lauren [00:29:06] We were so excited. And we did the whole thing. And then on the way back, it was a little harrowing. And also, we had to spend money because it wasn’t enough for two people. So, we did that. That was a great memory because it was just so fun and just one of those times. But then a better, happier time was she came to stay with me when I was in London doing Holmes & Watson, and we just had a great time going around London together, which was much nicer.

 

Sasheer [00:29:31] I’m sure.

 

Lauren [00:29:33] We had money for dinner.

 

Nicole [00:29:34] That’s funny you’re friends with someone long enough to go from, like, walking on a highway to go to Applebee’s, to spend a gift certificate to, like, “Oh, we just walked around London. I was working on a movie.”

 

Lauren [00:29:46] I know, I know. And she just came for a few days. It was a very, like, fly by the seat of your pants sort of thing.

 

Nicole [00:29:50] Yeah, I love that.

 

Lauren [00:29:53] It was cool.

 

Sasheer [00:29:55] That is cool.

 

Nicole [00:29:56] What is your favorite thing about Laura?

 

Lauren [00:30:02] Oh, wow. I feel like she is such a steady– I almost want to cry, I feel. I don’t know why that really made me feel emotional, but…

 

Nicole [00:30:07] It’s because it’s pure to talk about friendship. It’s so nice.

 

Lauren [00:30:12] It’s, like, so rare to articulate it, but she’s a very constant, steady friend. And she’s very loyal, and she’s always there for me. I think she’s just somebody who…

 

Nicole [00:30:23] I love this. I love it so much.

 

Lauren [00:30:29] She’s just a very constant person, is how I would describe her. She, like, knows who she is and is just very supportive. I’m really crying.

 

Sasheer [00:30:42] There’s tissues right there.

 

Lauren [00:30:42] Oh my God. I know. This is, like… Yeah. She’s just been there for me. And we’ve known each other a long time.

 

Nicole [00:30:57] I really love listening to people talk about their friendship because it makes me smile so hard and, like, we’re all so lucky to have a best friend.

 

Lauren [00:31:06] Yeah. Oh my God. It’s so lucky.

 

Nicole [00:31:08] Oh my goodness, am I going to cry?

 

Lauren [00:31:09] No, it’s so lucky. And of course, we don’t think about it that much. Most people don’t. But looking even at just those couple stories, I’m like, “Wow, we’ve really, like, known each other a long time.” When I first moved to New York and didn’t know anyone, she was one of the first people that I became friends with. That was my own friend–not through somebody else.

 

Sasheer [00:31:29] Yeah.

 

Lauren [00:31:31] And it was so meaningful to find somebody who was so like-minded. I feel like we’ve just always gotten along so well. We performed together in, like, two-person improv, and it’s so easy and fun. I don’t know, I just feel like I know what she’s thinking.

 

Sasheer [00:31:43] Yeah. I love that.

 

Nicole [00:31:45] Okay. What is Laura’s favorite thing about you?

 

Lauren [00:31:50] Oh my God. Okay, so when you kind of mentioned that these things might be about me… I really have a hard time guessing what she would say about that. So, I don’t know. I guess I would say that I’m fun and that I can, like, help her make things seem less serious than they are or take things less seriously.

 

Nicole [00:32:20] What is something you do that drives Laura crazy?

 

Lauren [00:32:25] Oh God… I’m sure there’s a lot. I don’t know. I guess I would say I, like, get stuck on the same thing for a long time that I want to talk about over and over again and I’ll repeat myself. I think that’s pretty annoying. I feel annoyed when I do it, so I guess I’d say that’s safe to say.

 

Nicole [00:32:46] Have you ever seen Death Becomes Her?

 

Sasheer [00:32:48] No.

 

Nicole [00:32:49] Boy, you gotta watch that. There’s a scene where Helen Hunt– No, no. Her name in the movie is Helen, but it’s Goldie Hawn. So, Goldie Hawn’s character brings up something she has talked about a thousand times while she’s in, like, this group therapy. And she starts talking about it, and everyone in group therapy goes, “Noooo!”

 

Lauren [00:33:11] Yeah, that’s me.

 

Nicole [00:33:12] I feel like that’s what you’re talking about.

 

Lauren [00:33:17] “We know. We’ll go along with this as if it’s the first time. We’ll walk you through the same realization again. You got there. You forgot that you already thought of that. Yeah.”

 

Nicole [00:33:27] Sometimes I think my therapist is pretending to be like, “Oh. Yes. I’ve never heard this one before.”

 

Lauren [00:33:33] Oh my God. I know.

 

Nicole [00:33:34] Or sometimes she’ll change the subject.

 

Lauren [00:33:38] Harsh.

 

Sasheer [00:33:38] And I’m like, “Okay. I get it.”

 

Lauren [00:33:40] “I guess we’re done with that one.”

 

Nicole [00:33:44] What is something that Laura does that drives you crazy?

 

Lauren [00:33:49] I think this connects back to why she might like me, but she can get ahead of herself with a problem, in her head, where she’ll go, like, “This is going to go wrong and then this will go wrong from that and this will go on from that.” And I’ll be like, “Wait, wait, wait. None of that happened yet, and it might not go that way.” So, I wouldn’t say I’m, like, annoyed by it where I’m complaining or something that she’s doing it.” But it’s something where I go, “Okay, we’re going to play this out for a second. You’re upset about this thing, and it’s going to become bigger to you than it is.” Yeah, “annoy,” I think, is hard because then I feel like I’m like… “Laura, I’m not annoyed. I fully respect it, but your brain just does that.”

 

Sasheer [00:34:31] Yeah, I think most people’s brain does that.

 

Lauren [00:34:34] Yeah. I think I can be better at–as an external force–being like, “None of that’s happening.” I’m sure I do it, too.

 

Nicole [00:34:43] For whatever reason, I think that it’s just in human nature to look at… Not the glass is half empty, but like, “Okay, so I have this, but it might be taken away from me one day.” I wonder why. Probably because it happens in life.

 

Lauren [00:34:56] Yeah, and it’s so hard to… This was some quote I just saw. I’m going to fuck it up. Whatever. But just the idea that, like, when something is good, you can just let it be good, and that’s okay. It’s so hard for a lot of people to just accept that things are good right now. It doesn’t mean that the other shoe is going to drop. It can just be good.

 

Sasheer [00:35:14] Yeah, but also when talking to other people in general, do you guys feel like it’s hard to just say good things and leave it at that?

 

Lauren [00:35:24] Oh yeah.

 

Sasheer [00:35:25] Do you feel like you have to have a complaint or, like, “Oh, well, this is really bothering me or whatever” because it’s weird to just be like–

 

Nicole [00:35:30] “Life is good!”

 

Lauren [00:35:33] And just, like, talk about something else? Yeah, totally. I do feel that a lot, where I feel like you have to go, “Okay, what’s annoying me right now? What’s, like, my biggest complaint, or what am I stuck on?”

 

Nicole [00:35:43] That’s like when someone goes, “I like your outfit,” and I go, “Thank you. I got it from a thrift store, and it was $2.”

 

Lauren [00:35:47] Exactly!

 

Nicole [00:35:48] Why can’t you just say, “thank you?”

 

Sasheer [00:35:50] Although I say that because it’s a point of pride. I like that I found it at the store.

 

Lauren [00:35:56] Well, it is cool. But I get your point where I can feel like you’re going, like, “Don’t be excited about it.”

 

Sasheer [00:36:02] “It’s not that great.”

 

Nicole [00:36:03] “I got it on the floor.”

 

Sasheer [00:36:04] “In a trash bag.”

 

Lauren [00:36:06] “It was thrown at me.”

 

Nicole [00:36:08] “I fought a raccoon for it out of the trash!” I think I do it so people don’t think I spend too much money. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I think it’s anyone’s business what I spend my money on. I’m like, “Just… You know. It wasn’t expensive.”

 

Lauren [00:36:25] Well, that is that thing, like… I’m wearing a dress from Target right now, and Laura was like, “I like your dress.” I was like, “Target.” But if it was a $300 dress, I would have just said, “Thank you.”

 

Nicole [00:36:34] Yeah. I don’t know why. I wonder why we do that.

 

Lauren [00:36:39] I don’t know.

 

Sasheer [00:36:39] We’ll get Mary on the podcast and ask her.

 

Nicole [00:36:43] I really want to have my therapist–

 

Lauren [00:36:44] Would you have her? Of course, I knew who Mary was because I listen to Why Won’t You Date Me? I’m like, “Yeah, what would Mary say?” Would she do it?

 

Nicole [00:36:52] I don’t know if she would do it–one. Two–I don’t know if I could continue seeing her if she started doing it. Three–I think she would blow the fuck up because she’s got really great advice. When I do live shows and mention her, people clap and cheer, and I’m like, “I don’t know if I should tell this woman she’s got fans all over the country.”

 

Sasheer [00:37:08] “Mary!”

 

Lauren [00:37:09] Yeah. What if it was like… Yeah, does she ever listen to it? Do you know?

 

Nicole [00:37:12] I don’t think so.

 

Lauren [00:37:14] I feel like they’re, like, kind of told not to explore that shit with their clients, but I don’t know.

 

Nicole [00:37:20] Well, she’ll read articles about me. But she said she hasn’t watched anything, but she’ll be like, “There was a Times thing where you were mentioned. It seems as if you’re doing well.” I was like, “Thank you, Mary.”

 

Lauren [00:37:32] You think she has a Google alert on you?

 

Nicole [00:37:33] I don’t know, I hope not. But also… I hope so.

 

Sasheer [00:37:36] Well, also the thing is she should know what you’re doing because that’s your work.

 

Lauren [00:37:41] And also, it’s an unbiased view of what you’re doing to be like, “Oh, you were in this important thing.” Even if you were to downplay it or say, like, nothing’s going on, she can say, “Well, that’s not true. I know that this thing is happening.”

 

Sasheer [00:37:50] That’s true. Yeah.

 

Nicole [00:37:52] She’s good. We haven’t crossed a line yet, and I really hope we don’t. It was hard to find a good therapist.

 

Lauren [00:37:57] Maybe don’t put her on the podcast.

 

Sasheer [00:37:59] Yeah.

 

Nicole [00:37:59] I kind of just want to bring her everywhere.

 

Lauren [00:38:00] I know. I’m excited about her.

 

Sasheer [00:38:03] “What do you think, Mary?”

 

Nicole [00:38:05] I love her so much. Okay. Oh, dang. We are already, like, almost at the end. We’re really flying through these. Lauren…

 

Lauren [00:38:15] She took her time with her answers, and I spoke too quickly.

 

Nicole [00:38:18] No, no, no, no.

 

Sasheer [00:38:21] I think we also had a long preamble as well.

 

Nicole [00:38:26] Okay. So, which one of you would do better on Survivor?

 

Lauren [00:38:31] Oh my God. I think we’d have really different skills. I think I would be more competitive about it, and I think she would probably, like, actually be better at some of the stuff. Like, I think I tend to get really competitive in games and sports but then not have a skill to back it. I’m just like, “I want to win!” And I feel like she would be studying the show, get ready for it, and be willing to do the research. Yeah, I don’t know. I’d want to be on a team together. I wouldn’t want to be against her. I think I’d be really good at being, like, conniving, though, and lying.

 

Nicole [00:39:11] Because you do like reality TV, right?

 

Lauren [00:39:12] I love it.

 

Nicole [00:39:13] I’ve never seen The Bachelor, but you pick the best clips to put on your Instagram.

 

Laura [00:39:17] Thank you!

 

Nicole [00:39:18] It makes me laugh so hard I’m like, “Maybe I should watch the show.”

 

Lauren [00:39:22] You shouldn’t. You should just watch my stories because I have to filter it down to, like, the best parts. And already it’s still going to take you an hour to watch these stories. And it really became a job. I just started doing it every week. I mean, people are like, “I love this.” And I was like, “Okay.” And then they were like, “This is the only way I watch.” I was like, “Now, I have a service.” So many people were saying they’d never seen it. I was like, “Well, now I can’t leave out this part because they won’t understand the plot.” And it’s like, “They actually would. There’s no plot. There’s nothing important about this.”

 

Nicole [00:39:52] I love the things we force on ourselves. “The people want it, so I must do it.”

 

Lauren [00:39:56] I could just lay here and watch it, but no. I’m up there in my TV, like, making Mike rewind it. I’m like, “Say what you said again; that was funny.”

 

Nicole [00:40:04] Having your husband repeat jokes.

 

Lauren [00:40:04] I tried to, but then he wouldn’t do it. I was like, “Wait, let’s do it again because it didn’t record. It was so funny.” And then he said something else, and I was like, “All right, what are you doing?” He was like, “You want me to repeat it?” It was good!

 

Nicole [00:40:26] Aw man. I want to be in a relationship so I can make my boyfriend repeat jokes for my Instagram.

 

Lauren [00:40:30] I can’t wait to see who you end up with after all of this. This is, like, what I am just waiting for.

 

Nicole [00:40:37] It’s going to have to be a very special person who’s like, “All of your bullshit I’m okay with.”

 

Lauren [00:40:42] There will be that person. I mean, we all have so much bullshit. Someone agrees to it. I don’t know why.

 

Nicole [00:40:50] I don’t know why. Do you watch 90 Day Fiancé?

 

Lauren [00:40:52] It’s my favorite show! I know you have that pod. It’s my favorite. Do you watch the show?

 

Sasheer [00:41:00] Whenever I’m at her house, I’ll watch it. Yeah.

 

Lauren [00:41:01] The Other Way, by the way, is the best spin off. It’s perfect. The reason The Other Way is the best one–it’s when the American will go to the other person’s country to be with them–it feels like there’s more chance that they’re actually in love with that person because they’re giving everything up to go live in a society where, like, women don’t have as much, as many rights, like, all sorts of things. Their life is getting essentially worse to be with that person. So, it feels a little more exciting to watch it play out because you’re like, “Oh, they must really love each other.”

 

Sasheer [00:41:34] It’s just called The Other Way?

 

Nicole [00:41:35] 90 Day: The Other Way. So, you have this woman–Jenny and Sumit–they’re one of my favorites. So, Jenny’s 60. She talks like this, she’s from Palm Springs, and she sold all of her furniture to be with Sumit.

 

Lauren [00:41:48] And she went to, like, her accountant, and she was like, “Do you think I have enough money to live? I’m retiring in India.” And then guess how much money she had.

 

Sasheer [00:42:03] $10,000.

 

Lauren [00:42:04] Less.

 

Sasheer [00:42:06] Oh my God. $5,000?

 

Nicole [00:42:10] $6,000. And then she was like, “But then I could collect, you know, Social Security.” He was like, “Not if you’re not living in the United States.” She was like, “This is a blow. This is a real blow to me and Sumit.”

 

Lauren [00:42:21] And then she moves there. And he’s 30 years old and is a young Indian man. His friends basically on the first night–they’re like, “The rules here are essentially you have to have an arranged marriage, it has to be with an Indian woman, and she has to be younger than you.” He’s doing everything wrong, and they’re all upset. He’s lying to his family and hiding–living in another city.

 

Nicole [00:42:42] But living 15 minutes away, where a lot of his family works.

 

Sasheer [00:42:44] Very funny.

 

Nicole [00:42:45] He clips her toenails; he washes her hair.

 

Lauren [00:42:47] That was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen. He initially was catfishing her with pictures of a hot model. And she thought that was happening to her, which makes no sense. And then he came out and was like, “I’m catfishing.” And she was like, “I still love you.” And they’re in love.

 

Nicole [00:43:02] Like, fully in love. Like, when they embrace, I believe it.

 

Lauren [00:43:05] I know! It’s wild!

 

Nicole [00:43:08] 90 Day: The Other Way. Oh, it’s a perfect show for us. Sorry. We’ll get right back to the Best Friend quiz. It’s not The Other Way. What is before the 90 Days? Have you been watching?

 

Lauren [00:43:22] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They said there’s a whole new cast right now, which is really thrilling.

 

Nicole [00:43:27] Oh boy. When Caesar was meditating with a helmet on and sunglasses.

 

Lauren [00:43:30] Oh my God, Caesar. He’s this guy who’s like– Where does he live? Podunk. Middle of nowhere. He does pedicures. And at first, I was like, “Oh no, this man is going to make me very, very sad.” And he’s got this, like, Russian or something.

 

Nicole [00:43:44] So he goes on anastasiadate.com. He pays $400 to give this girl flowers. That is it. Flowers, his email, and his photo.

 

Lauren [00:43:50] And then he pays her $800 a month for five years. He’s given her $40,000 dollars. And she’s never come to visit. And every time it’s about to happen, she backs out for some reason.

 

Nicole [00:44:00] Even though she’s got money for the ticket.

 

Lauren [00:44:02] One of the first things he does is he shows these videos of her and she’s like, “Baby, I love you.”

 

Nicole [00:44:06] And then a producer was like, “Has she ever said your name?” And you watch this man go into full crisis.

 

Lauren [00:44:11] No one’s ever suggested that to him. It never crossed his mind, even though the first thing I thought was like, “He’s sending those to 20 people.”

 

Nicole [00:44:16] And then I was like, “AnastasiaDate–you have to pay to get introduced to the girls. This is not an escort, it’s a sugar baby site”

 

Sasheer [00:44:22] How does anyone even find these sites?

 

Nicole [00:44:25] I don’t know. Well, a lot of people will find the Spanish Hispanic girls because they’re like, “The Spanish girls are very close with their families.” So, they’ll go to, like, hispanicmingle.com.

 

Sasheer [00:44:37] Okay.

 

Nicole [00:44:38] It’s very strange. Oh, the whole thing is so wild. I think I told you this last night, and then we’ll get back to the–

 

Lauren [00:44:44] Yeah, yeah!

 

Nicole [00:44:45] When Angela went to Cotton Dreams to get married to her boyfriend from Nigeria, I was like, “You cannot bring him to America and make him get married on the Cotton Dreams plantation.”

 

Sasheer [00:44:55] He’s also a huge Trump fan. When she went to visit him in Africa, she brought him all this Trump gear, and he was thrilled. And then they, like, fucked a bunch. It was so weird.

 

Nicole [00:45:04] But like in a way where he was like, “Angela, no.” And she was like, “You gonna take me.”

 

Lauren [00:45:15] How about the one with the Aladin where she brings a vibrator. She moves to… Where is that?

 

Nicole [00:45:22] Qatar.

 

Lauren [00:45:27] She buys a vibrator on dates two because he’s not pleasing her sexually. And she gives it to him to unwrap, and she’s, like, having him open it in their fluorescent bedroom that they’re sitting in. It’s, like, the middle of the day. And then he opens, and he’s like, “What is this?”

 

Nicole [00:45:41] “A microphone?”

 

Lauren [00:45:42] And then she’s like, “For jiggy jiggy.” Because that’s what they call sex.

 

Nicole [00:45:44] They call sex “jiggy jiggy.”

 

Sasheer [00:45:46] Which also seems very offensive.

 

Nicole [00:45:48] Yes, it’s the funniest show. You cannot write this. A grown man, named Aladin, going, “Oh, I can’t wait for the jiggy jiggy.”

 

Lauren [00:45:56] But he got so offended by the vibrator, he made her throw it in the trash, and he was like, “I’m a man, I can please you.” It was like, “Apparently, he can’t.”

 

Nicole [00:46:04] And when she bought the vibrator, she was like, “Thank you so much. I’m moving to Qatar. Do you know where that is?” And the girl goes, “I don’t know, I sell dildos for a living.”

 

Sasheer [00:46:11] That’s so funny.

 

Lauren [00:46:12] That was my favorite person who’s ever been on it ’cause I was like, “She’s the most self-aware person on the show.” I loved her.

 

Sasheer [00:46:18] “You think I know where that is?”

 

Nicole [00:46:21] “I sell dildos for a living.” Okay, last question. What do you hope you’re both doing in 20 years?

 

Lauren [00:46:27] Okay. I hope we’re still friends. And I hope that we are still doing what we love. I want to say I hope we’re still performing together, but then maybe I hope we’re not–that we’re like, you know, too busy doing other things.

 

Sasheer [00:46:42] Yeah.

 

Lauren [00:46:44] But how old would we be at that point? I’d be 53, doing improv? It’s possible.

 

Nicole [00:46:51] It’s fully possible.

 

Lauren [00:46:51] I’ve seen the path laid before me.

 

Sasheer [00:46:54] One of the first improv shows we saw was Bassprov at DCM. Maybe it was, like, the first DCM I was at. And they were all older gentlemen in their 40s and 50s, and they were sitting. And I was like, “Get active, man. Do an organic transition? What is going on?” Now, I am 32 or 33 and fully will start scenes by dragging out a chair and being like, “Well, I’m going to sit down.”

 

Lauren [00:47:19] No, they’re brilliant. They’re like, “Yeah, the show is we are fishing the entire time.”

 

Nicole [00:47:25] I was like, “Get up!” The older I get, I say, “No. You’re lucky I’m up here making shit up for you.”

 

Sasheer [00:47:30] Or, like, a bat, where they turn the lights out and it’s like, “I’m not even going to move. You gotta use your imagination. I’m sitting right here. Don’t even look at me.”

 

Lauren [00:47:40] It’s essentially a podcast. Live.

 

Nicole [00:47:43] Improv created podcasts! It kind of did.

 

Sasheer [00:47:48] It kind of did. I guess so.

 

Nicole [00:47:49] Who’s the first podcast?

 

Sasheer [00:47:50] I have no idea.

 

Lauren [00:47:51] Oh God.

 

Nicole [00:47:52] Kimmie-on-the-keys?

 

Sasheer [00:47:53] Marc Maron? I don’t know.

 

Lauren [00:47:54] Probably Joe Rogan or something. Hasn’t he been doing it for 15 years? Who are they?

 

Nicole [00:48:00] Of course it was men.

 

Lauren [00:48:01] “Adam Curry and Dave Winer are credited with the invention of podcasting.” Well, thanks a lot.

 

Sasheer [00:48:08] Thanks, guys.

 

Nicole [00:48:10] Thanks, Dave and Henry. Who was it?

 

Lauren [00:48:12] I already forgot.

 

Nicole [00:48:13] Dave and Bob? All right. Should we go get Laura?

 

Sasheer [00:48:20] Yeah.

 

Nicole [00:48:30] Okay. We should get back into Besting Each Other.

 

Sasheer [00:48:36] Oh, be confident, girl. You got it.

 

Nicole [00:48:43] Back to Besting Each Other!

 

Sasheer [00:48:44] Yes!

 

Lauren [00:48:45] I’m so curious.

 

Laura [00:48:46] Did we get it right?

 

Lauren [00:48:47] Did we win, friendship?

 

Nicole [00:48:53] We should have a prize for when people win friendship.

 

Sasheer [00:48:54] We should.

 

Nicole [00:48:56] I don’t know what the barometer is.

 

Laura [00:48:58] A bad hat?

 

Nicole [00:48:58] Yeah. We give you a bad hat that you have to wear for the rest of eternity. Okay. We asked, “Where did you two meet?” Laura said, “Improv class. 301 or 401. Lauren said, “Met at UCB in New York Improv first class in 2008.”

 

Lauren [00:49:16] I think Laura’s right, actually. It wasn’t my first class. I had done 201, I guess, before I met you. And then I met you in 301.

 

Laura [00:49:22] I thought it was 3 or 401.

 

Lauren [00:49:23] No, I think you’re right. Yeah.

 

Laura [00:49:25] One of those.

 

Nicole [00:49:25] But it’s okay.

 

Lauren [00:49:28] I made you more immediate in my New York time, but it took me a few months to meet you.

 

Sasheer [00:49:33] “I just can’t wait to meet you.”

 

Lauren [00:49:38] I don’t remember anyone from my 201.

 

Nicole [00:49:44] Let’s see… I don’t remember anyone for my 201. Do you remember?

 

Lauren [00:49:47] I vaguely remember the, like, class photo, but it also might have been from our class. I had Kevin Hines and Porter Mason over and over again. I literally only had them.

 

Laura [00:49:57] I think we were in Porter’s class together? No.

 

Lauren [00:50:00] Yeah. And he married one of the girls in the class.

 

Laura [00:50:01] Yeah, he married one of the students in our class. That’s true.

 

Sasheer [00:50:06] It all worked out. That’s what happens sometimes.

 

Nicole [00:50:09] Maybe I should start teaching improv.

 

Sasheer [00:50:12] That’s not how that works. It doesn’t work for women that way.

 

Lauren [00:50:15] Yeah, true. Good point. Good point.

 

Laura [00:50:17] You’re going to be like, “I don’t want to marry you guys.”

 

Lauren [00:50:21] But when you’re the teacher, you’d be like, “They’re not funny enough.”

 

Nicole [00:50:24] When I was coaching improv, it was like, “I could say the same thing and it’d be funny. I just don’t know if you’re funny.”

 

Lauren [00:50:31] God, that would be all I would want to say.

 

Sasheer [00:50:33] “You’re just not funny.”

 

Lauren [00:50:35] “You’re just not really selling it, so… Something about you. Maybe you should quit.”

 

Nicole [00:50:45] We asked, “What’s your favorite memory from traveling together?” Laura said, “Went to Philly for an improv festival. Most of our friendship has been long distance.” And when Laura would come stay with you, Lauren.

 

Sasheer [00:50:57] Yeah!

 

Nicole [00:50:58] Lauren said, “Women’s Comedy Festival in Texas.” Oh my God!

 

Laura [00:51:00] How did I forget that?

 

Lauren [00:51:03] I thought you might have said it.

 

Laura [00:51:07] Did you talk about walking on the highway?

 

Lauren [00:51:08] Yeah.

 

Laura [00:51:14] Okay, good. How the fuck did I forget that?

 

Lauren [00:51:15] No, it’s okay. I forgot about Philly.

 

Laura [00:51:17] I’m humiliated.

 

Nicole [00:51:18] It’s okay.

 

Lauren [00:51:22] Philly was just an interesting– We made fun songs in the car.

 

Laura [00:51:24] Yeah, I remember it just being, like, a bit heavy, but I remember you and I both growing fatigued from the bits.

 

Lauren [00:51:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah, because the guys wouldn’t stop.

 

Laura [00:51:31] And that was kind of a nice moment.

 

Nicole [00:51:35] And then Lauren also talked about you visiting her in London.

 

Lauren [00:51:45] I don’t get credit for that one because I truly was just going through my photos, like, tagging people’s faces in my photo album on my phone. And the pictures from that trip were coming up. And I was like, “That was so fun.”

 

Laura [00:51:54] It was so fun.

 

Lauren [00:51:55] And you came for, like, four days or something?

 

Laura [00:51:56] Yeah, it was so worth it.

 

Lauren [00:51:58] And it made me realize that a short trip to a faraway place is, like, worth it.

 

Laura [00:52:02] And we also had freakishly nice weather. It was February. And so, the flight was, like, $600 round trip. And then it was, like, 60 degrees and sunny every day.

 

Nicole [00:52:14] London wanted your friendship.

 

Laura [00:52:16] Wow. I feel dumb.

 

Nicole [00:52:17] No! Don’t!

 

Lauren [00:52:20] No. You’re bad, but it’s fine.

 

Nicole [00:52:24] Wait, Lauren, you’re tagging people in your photo album?

 

Lauren [00:52:27] You know, like, on the phone, it, like, tells you who someone’s face is. I was, like, bored, and I just started, like, approving faces. I don’t know.

 

Nicole [00:52:35] Let me show you the picture Sasheer’s phone automatically picked for me.

 

Lauren [00:52:41] No. I’m scared.

 

Nicole [00:52:48] It’s me riding a dolphin but truly having a lot of trauma.

 

Lauren [00:52:53] Oh my God.

 

Nicole [00:52:58] Zoom in on it.

 

Lauren [00:52:58] You rode a dolphin, by the way?

 

Sasheer [00:53:05] A dolphing? You were dolphing, yes.

 

Nicole [00:53:06] A dolphing ride. I had, like, a little meltdown. I was like, “Are they happy to see us? Well, we paid for it.”

 

Sasheer [00:53:15] Yeah, I’m not sure how happy they were.

 

Lauren [00:53:17] I stayed at this hotel in Hawaii recently, and they were boasting their dolphins that were there for you to swim with.

 

Sasheer [00:53:24] In a hotel?

 

Lauren [00:53:25] Yeah, it was right next to the ocean, but they just looked like they could just see the ocean. It just felt really sad. And I wanted to get my room moved away from the dolphins, and they were so confused. Like, the people were like, “You don’t want to be by them?” I was like, “I have to walk by them every time I go to my room, and it makes me feel bad.” And they’re like, “Okay?”

 

Laura [00:53:44] I have a coworker who used to be a marine biologist and switched to comedy.

 

Sasheer [00:53:49] Wild.

 

Laura [00:53:49] He used to work at a dolphin place down in Florida, where you go and, like, swim with the dolphins. And he said that they could read energy really well. And if there was a dude who seemed like kind of a jerk or, like, a dad or something, the dolphins would just disappear and wouldn’t come near that person. And also, he said it happened more than once where they would know a woman was pregnant before she knew. They would surround her because they would do that to pregnant dolphins to protect them. So, they would almost come on really strong, freak the woman out, and be almost kind of obsessive around her. And there was a few times where my friend was like, “Are you maybe pregnant?” And she’s like, “No,” and then later be like, “I was, and I didn’t know.” And the Dolphins would know. They’re, like, incredibly intuitive. It’s crazy.

 

Nicole [00:54:36] We can’t keep them.

 

Laura [00:54:39] They’re better and smarter than us.

 

Sasheer [00:54:41] That’s a fun pregnancy test.

 

Lauren [00:54:45] If you want to know sooner, the first response is to…

 

Laura [00:54:52] If you get swarmed by dolphins…

 

Nicole [00:54:56] Yeah, I didn’t know that keeping all exotic animals is really just terrible. Like, zoos are bad because they’re isolated and they’re not with their family. And then I was trying to take a picture with a giraffe. What a dumb sentence. I contacted a comedian who’s friends with this giraffe. Also a dumb sentence.

 

Laura [00:55:16] I need more info.

 

Lauren [00:55:17] Whitney Cummings? Is that it?

 

Nicole [00:55:18] Yes because she was going to save Stanley, the Malibu giraffe. And I was like, “Well, if you’re going to save him, that means you’re, like, friends with him. You gonna hook me up with a picture with Stanley?” She was like, “Do not take pictures with caged, exotic animals. It’s not okay.”

 

Lauren [00:55:35] Yeah, she’s a big advocate for that. Yeah, we went on tour with Comedy Bang! Bang! to Australia, and we went to, like, this–I don’t know–conservation, where there’s all these animals that were injured. It felt a little bit better because they were, like, kangaroos that had been hit by cars and stuff. And so, they were all being rehabbed. But there were all these ostriches running around the fence, and Scott and I were taking a picture. I think he was doing a selfie with one and it bonked him on the head. It literally reached its bald head and beak over the fence and pecked him. And it was caught in a live picture. It was so funny.

 

Nicole [00:56:07] Yeah, I don’t think the animals are happy.

 

Lauren [00:56:11] I don’t think they like it. I don’t think they want a selfie.

 

Nicole [00:56:12] Yeah, because I guess when people stare at me, I get mad. So yeah, I guess if I was behind a cage and people were staring it might make me even angrier.

 

Lauren [00:56:18] It might feel threatening.

 

Nicole [00:56:21] Although I did go to an animal conservation. It’s, like, north, and they have injured cows and stuff. The Gentle Barn.

 

Lauren [00:56:30] Oh yeah.

 

Nicole [00:56:30] And there was this one cow truly laying around shit. And she didn’t seem well. And they were like, “We call her ‘our diva.’” And I was like, “Whoa. The bar for diva is pretty low here.”

 

Laura [00:56:41] “If you lay in your own shit…”

 

Nicole [00:56:41] “You too could be a diva.” But she was very sweet. Those animals were sweet because they were like, “We’re not doing well.”

 

Lauren [00:56:49] Yeah, I know. That’s too much.

 

Nicole [00:56:52] Okay. “What’s your favorite thing about your friend?” Laura said, “I can talk to learn about anything. We’re both instant responders to text or phone calls. She’s a good communicator, great at texting, and fun. And then Lauren said, “She’s constant. Steady friend”

 

Lauren [00:57:06] I started crying, by the way, and it was really–

 

Laura [00:57:06] Oh my God.

 

Nicole [00:57:09] It was really sweet.

 

Sasheer [00:57:10] It was really sweet.

 

Lauren [00:57:11] It was really shocking. Not that I don’t feel that way, but I never really had to talk about it, I guess.

 

Laura [00:57:14] I broke your walls down.

 

Sasheer [00:57:18] I guess I was like, “Oh, I guess you’re a really good person.”

 

Laura [00:57:20] Aw, I’m so touched.

 

Nicole [00:57:26] Also Lauren said you’re loyal, you’re there for her, you’re a constant person, and you’ve known each other for a very long time. Lauren said that she knows what you’re thinking.

 

Lauren [00:57:39] I mean, more during improv than in real life, but I feel like I have a sense of what your opinions are.

 

Laura [00:57:42] I feel the same way. I think I know your opinions.

 

Nicole [00:57:50] Overall, they were both very sweet answers. Okay. We asked, “What’s your friend’s favorite thing about you?” Laura said, “She can talk to me about anything. We’re on the same wavelength.” Lauren said, “That I’m fun and I can help her make things seem less serious.” You want to take this one, Sasheer?

 

Sasheer [00:58:18] We asked, “What is something your friend does drive you–?” “What is something you do to drive your friend crazy? Why did you give this to me?

 

Nicole [00:58:42] I don’t know!

 

Sasheer [00:58:43] Laura said that she can be negative or catastrophize, worry, and word vomit that worry out to Lauren. And then Lauren said, “I get stuck on the same thing and repeat myself all the time.”

 

Laura [00:59:04] I feel like I do the same thing.

 

Lauren [00:59:05] I don’t feel like you do that.

 

Laura [00:59:07] I don’t feel like you do that.

 

Lauren [00:59:08] Oh, good. I feel like I do it a lot, so good.

 

Laura [00:59:11] Well, great. To me, I guess I don’t notice it because I think it’s a normal way to communicate.

 

Lauren [00:59:16] Right. Yeah. That’s probably how it goes.

 

Laura [00:59:18] It doesn’t even register.

 

Nicole [00:59:26] Would you like to do this one? This one’s easier.

 

Sasheer [00:59:28] Okay. All right. We asked, “What is something your friend does that drives you crazy?”

 

Laura [00:59:32] I feel like Sasheer is panicking.

 

Sasheer [00:59:34] I’m sweating. Laura said that Lauren doesn’t really care about food, and that bothers her.

 

Lauren [00:59:41] Oh, that’s funny!

 

Laura [00:59:43] I was bringing up how you never bit into a peach and also, like, I introduced sweet potatoes to you.

 

Lauren [00:59:48] I’ve liked everything that you’ve ever brought to me. Basic foods. Basic orange food.

 

Nicole [01:00:00] Have you bitten into a peach yet?

 

Lauren [01:00:03] Yeah… Yeah, I have.

 

Nicole [01:00:03] Did you like it?

 

Lauren [01:00:05] Yeah… But it’s, like, so hard when peach candy is, like, your starting point.

 

Laura [01:00:08] Oh, yeah. That’s a step down. That’s fair. It’s not as good as peach rings.

 

Lauren [01:00:16] But I think being friends–I’ve opened up a lot more to a lot of different foods. I don’t feel nervous about eating out as I used to, where I feel like I’d be like, “Oh, what am I going to get at this restaurant?” I’m much more open minded now.  But yeah, when we first started being friends, I was really picky. But also, I’d just never tried anything.

 

Laura [01:00:35] Yeah. But also feel like everything hurts your tummy.

 

Lauren [01:00:38] But not anymore. I think I was going through something because I had, like, a lot of stomach issues–especially in New York. But also, then I think, like, “What was I eating?” I got food at the dollar store and ate eggs exclusively. Yeah, no wonder I was, like, shitting a lot.

 

Laura [01:00:55] I have this memory… A thing I love that we share is we’re cheap.

 

Lauren [01:00:57] Yeah.

 

Laura [01:00:58] And also when we first met, we were both, like, just so broke. Yeah. But I think you were staying with me when you were shooting Orange is the New Black because they didn’t put you up anywhere. But you had, like, disposable income at this point. But there was a pizza place around the corner from my apartment in Brooklyn. We went there. And you’re in town to shoot a TV show, and you showed them your old college ID to get 25% off a slice of pizza.

 

Lauren [01:01:26] It still worked. I mean, I would never do that now.

 

Laura [01:01:30] She saved a quarter.

 

Lauren [01:01:34] I could save a quarter now, I would. But I feel like there’s that risk of like, “We know you’re not in college because I can Google you and see that you’re 33.”

 

Laura [01:01:43] It made me laugh, but also I was like, “Yeah, I get it. Why would you spend a quarter you don’t have to?”

 

Lauren [01:01:48] I’d rather have that quarter. I was going to say, “I’d rather tip with that, but I probably didn’t do that.” I just put it in my pocket.

 

Sasheer [01:01:56] It’s for the subway!

 

Nicole [01:02:01] I think you’re more adventurous with food than me.

 

Sasheer [01:02:05] Yeah. Yeah.

 

Nicole [01:02:07] I also don’t want to be embarrassed by not knowing how to eat something. She once got salmon. And I was like, “That’s such a big bone on that salmon.” And she was just like, “Uh huh.” And then our other friends were like, “What bone?” It turns out it was just on a wooden slab that I thought was the bone. And I was so confused.

 

Sasheer [01:02:25] It was also, like, three weeks ago. And I was trying to be, like, accepting. I was like, “Yeah. Maybe she sees bones in here. I don’t know.”

 

Laura [01:02:40] “Maybe she has a different definition of what a bone is.”

 

Nicole [01:02:42] I can’t remember who it was–she was like, “What the fuck? There is no bone.”

 

Lauren [01:02:48] I love that you were trying to be nice.

 

Sasheer [01:02:50] I was like, “Yeah, I guess.”

 

Nicole [01:02:52] She does it a lot. She goes, “Oh, okay.” Then later we’ll be like, “What were you talking about? I’m your special friend.”

 

Laura [01:03:02] Oh. What’s annoying about me?

 

Sasheer [01:03:03] Yeah. Lauren said she can get ahead of herself with a problem–over worrying.

 

Laura [01:03:10] What’d I fucking say?

 

Lauren [01:03:12] But I also said it doesn’t annoy me. I just know it’s a pattern.

 

Laura [01:03:17] Yeah, I don’t care that much about, like, what you eat.

 

Lauren [01:03:18] Yeah. Yeah.

 

Laura [01:03:19] I was just like, “It’d be fun if we could go to some wack-ass, wacky restaurant. Wait. Did you tell her what you suggested?

 

Nicole [01:03:24] Oh. You gotta go to Barton G. The Restaurant.

 

Lauren [01:03:27] What’s that?

 

Laura [01:03:27] It’s on The Real Housewives all the time.

 

Nicole [01:03:28] So it’s on La Cienega and, like, a little bit past Santa Monica. It’s a wild restaurant that’ll serve you, like, something on a big fork.

 

Laura [01:03:38] Novelty items.

 

Lauren [01:03:39] Oh, yeah. I want to go there.

 

Nicole [01:03:41] Or, like, popcorn shrimp that’s in a popcorn machine.

 

Lauren [01:03:41] Wait, did you post something from there recently?

 

Nicole [01:03:43] Not recently. A while ago. A big fork.

 

Lauren [01:03:45] Okay, it was a big fork.

 

Nicole [01:03:47] I bumped her on the head with it accidentally.

 

Laura [01:03:49] There’s a drink that comes out with, like, a kamikaze sword, I feel like I’ve seen.

 

Lauren [01:03:55] Let’s do that. That sounds really stupid.

 

Nicole [01:03:56] The servers instantly just, like, put your food down, and then their hand goes out for, like, the phone to take the picture with it.

 

Sasheer [01:04:02] “We know what this is.”

 

Lauren [01:04:03] Oh my God, that’s so sad.

 

Laura [01:04:04] “You’re not here for the food.”

 

Lauren [01:04:06] Part of the job is to hold their hand out for your phone.

 

Nicole [01:04:10] It’s fun. There’s never a person in there. Or there’s, like, someone who really thinks they’re at, like, a nightclub. And, like, a lady in a very tight dress and a man who’s like, “I ordered this!” And you’re like, “Okay…” It’s fun.

 

Lauren [01:04:24] Weird clientele. Okay, I’m in.

 

Nicole [01:04:26] Also, have you ever been to Mastro’s?

 

Lauren [01:04:31] I think I have. A steak place or something?

 

Nicole [01:04:33] It’s in Beverly. It’s not great, again.

 

Sasheer [01:04:34] Did you take me there?

 

Nicole [01:04:35] Yes. And that’s where we found the condom on the floor, and I pointed out all the sex workers with their Johns.

 

Laura [01:04:38] Okay, yum.

 

Lauren [01:04:40] Oh my God.

 

Laura [01:04:42] That’s a thing at steakhouses.

 

Nicole [01:04:43] Yes, because it’s expensive.

 

Lauren [01:04:46] I feel like I would never know that’s what was happening.

 

Nicole [01:04:47] Oh, when you see a 60-year-old, white man with a Black woman with, like, a crooked wig on who’s like, “Can I get two diners?”

 

Lauren [01:04:55] It starts to become clear.

 

Nicole [01:04:58] Yeah. Like, a white lady, who’s got a Russian accent, who’s like, “I will order one of everything!”

 

Lauren [01:05:04] Just, like, every couple makes no sense together.

 

Nicole [01:05:07] Yeah. It’s fun. And then sometimes there’s live music and they sing too loud.

 

Sasheer [01:05:11] Yeah. I was like, “Is this karaoke? Oh no. It’s a band singing way too loud and badly.”

 

Nicole [01:05:17] It’s a place people go to impress other people. And I think it’s funny.

 

Sasheer [01:05:21] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

Laura [01:05:23] We should start going to bad restaurants.

 

Lauren [01:05:25] With, like, big whole things about them–like kitschy, sort of weird places. I mean, I did go to SUR Vanderpump.

 

Nicole [01:05:32] Terrible.

 

Laura [01:05:32] Bad food.

 

Lauren [01:05:34] I got, like, really drunk immediately.

 

Nicole [01:05:35] Really?

 

Lauren [01:05:37] The drink was so strong. I don’t know. I was in a different world.

 

Laura [01:05:41] I ordered the Chilean Sea Bass. It was very oily. And it was like $35. It was like wedding food.

 

Lauren [01:05:48] I didn’t eat food. And I was part of it, too.

 

Laura [01:05:51] Don’t. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had just had drinks.

 

Nicole [01:05:52] I got very sick at Pump–like, finished eating and instantly was like, “Well, I got to shit to the moon!” It was not good.

 

Laura [01:05:59] Oh no.

 

Lauren [01:06:00] Do you watch Vanderpump?

 

Nicole [01:06:01] No. But I’ve seen bits and pieces, and those people seem insane.

 

Lauren [01:06:06] But aren’t they all, like, getting money now and, like, having better lives, so it takes away the point of it?

 

Laura [01:06:12] They all just bought houses near each other. But we haven’t seen that yet on the show. I just know from, like, real life.

 

Nicole [01:06:22] They’re lives are better, they have money, and that takes away from the show.

 

Laura [01:06:23] It does!

 

Lauren [01:06:25] Well, because part of it, I thought, was watching, like, the servers who are struggling, but they’re having drama. And now they’re all just, like, reality stars who are rich.

 

Laura [01:06:34] But they’re still struggling.

 

Sasheer [01:06:35] That’s like The Jersey Shore when they still worked at, like, a t-shirt shop. I was like, “You guys are all millionaires.”

 

Laura [01:06:40] “Yeah, you’re really famous.”

 

Nicole [01:06:42] But The Jersey Shore is still funny. The one episode I’ve seen since they’ve been back–Vinny and Pauly had a bro wedding in Vegas, where an Elvis impersonator bro-married them. And then Vinny sat in the corner and ate the cake because the whole bit was, “He’s so fat. Don’t give him the cake!”

 

Lauren [01:07:02] Oh my God.

 

Nicole [01:07:03] A real dumb show.

 

Lauren [01:07:05] Do you watch Teen Mom? I’ve been watching Teen Mom OG just as of yesterday. I started binging it again. I haven’t seen it in years.

 

Sasheer [01:07:09] Is it still on?

 

Lauren [01:07:10] Yes! And it’s all the original people. It’s, like, from like ten years ago.

 

Nicole [01:07:13] And they’re, like, fucked up.

 

Lauren [01:07:13] Their kids are ten!

 

Laura [01:07:16] Are the kids messed up?

 

Lauren [01:07:18] Um… Surprisingly, not. The kids seem okay.

 

Laura [01:07:21] That’s very shocking.

 

Nicole [01:07:21] One woman was dismissed from the show, right? Because her husband shot a dog.

 

Lauren [01:07:25] Yes, I saw that on Instagram, but I haven’t gotten to that story on the show. She’s not good.

 

Nicole [01:07:31] That’s fucked up.

 

Lauren [01:07:32] Yeah, that’s a bad family… The rest are great.

 

Sasheer [01:07:36] Yeah.

 

Nicole [01:07:37] Oh, I saw one at the VMAs. She has blond hair, and her mom wears glasses. I wish I could remember her name, but she was having a full-blown meltdown on the red carpet because she wasn’t on–

 

Lauren [01:07:50] Kailyn?

 

Nicole [01:07:51] Maybe. But she was talking to one of the MTV execs. She was like, “I need to get back on my show!” And I was like, “Oh boy!” It was fun to watch.

 

Lauren [01:07:59] Oh, that’s great to witness that live.

 

Nicole [01:08:00] And then the one who’s had a lot of surgery and did porn.

 

Laura [01:08:04] Sarah. That’s the one I know.

 

Lauren [01:08:05] I saw some of the porn.

 

Nicole [01:08:06] Is it good?

 

Lauren [01:08:07] It’s really crazy.

 

Nicole [01:08:08] Oh no.

 

Lauren [01:08:09] Well, it’s like she’s with… I don’t know if she paid him or something to do it. There’s, like, this famous porn star. I can’t think of his name. It’s not John Deere, but it’s like something–

 

Nicole [01:08:18] Oh, James Dean?

 

Lauren [01:08:19] Yes!

 

Nicole [01:08:20] “It’s not John Deere.”

 

Laura [01:08:22] The tractor.

 

Lauren [01:08:22] I knew that was wrong, but I knew I was on the right track.

 

Laura [01:08:25] Wait. That should be a porn star’s name, and he should ride in on a tractor.

 

Lauren [01:08:29] “Let me plow ya!”

 

Sasheer [01:08:30] Yes. Yes.

 

Lauren [01:08:31] And she had him, like, do porn with her. And they did anal and stuff. And then she started selling things you buy that were, like, forms of her vagina and butthole.

 

Laura [01:08:42] Oh, fleshlights?

 

Lauren [01:08:46] That were made exactly off of her own vagina.

 

Laura [01:08:48] And butthole? So, they had to do plaster casting of her asshole?

 

Nicole [01:08:50] Front and back.

 

Lauren [01:08:51] And she was selling them. Yes.

 

Nicole [01:08:54] Well, at the VMAs, someone was holding–

 

Lauren [01:08:55] How are you going to do a plaster cast of your asshole?

 

Laura [01:08:57] Of your vagina either?

 

Lauren [01:08:58] It’d stop you up. They probably put something in there.

 

Sasheer [01:09:00] Maybe it’s silicone?

 

Laura [01:09:02] I don’t know.

 

Lauren [01:09:03] Yeah. Yeah. Silicone.

 

Nicole [01:09:04] Because I feel like you can’t scoop out plaster.

 

Laura [01:09:06] Yeah, that’s not healthy.

 

Sasheer [01:09:08] Why do they put on your teeth when you get braces? Or, like, a retainer or something?

 

Nicole [01:09:11] Oh, it’s, like a gum mold? Like, a gummy mold?

 

Lauren [01:09:14] Yeah, what is that? I can, like, feel it.

 

Nicole [01:09:16] Kimmie-on-the-keys! What’s that?

 

Kimmie [01:09:19] “What do you put in a vagina to form a mold?”

 

Nicole [01:09:22] Yes.

 

Laura [01:09:27] An alarm starts going off. “You can’t Google that!”

 

Nicole [01:09:31] Ooh. Of course, Reddit has the answer.

 

Laura [01:09:33] Ask Reddit.

 

Lauren [01:09:37] Oh no, they got a bunch of bad jokes.

 

Nicole [01:09:39] Reddit’s not a place for good people to find out anything. Oh, I think– Yep. “Silicone.”

 

Lauren [01:09:46] Wow. Do a lot of people want to do this?

 

Nicole [01:09:49] “The Great Wall of Vagina?”

 

Lauren [01:09:51] Nicole, would you sell it for your podcast merch?

 

Nicole [01:09:56] Oh boy. Wait. I mean, here’s the thing. People would buy it.

 

Sasheer [01:09:58] Yeah, they would.

 

Lauren [01:09:59] Oh my God. No, no. It would be a hot item. I’m not kidding.

 

Nicole [01:10:01] I think it would fly off the shelves.

 

Lauren [01:10:02] And honestly, I wouldn’t judge you at all.

 

Sasheer [01:10:06] Also, it could be like, “You get a test run before you try to date me.”

 

Nicole [01:10:12] And then when we go on our first date, you better bring it, so I know you have it. Oh, how terrible?

 

Lauren [01:10:22] No. And I kind of assume that she made a lot of money with that. Like, don’t you think?

 

Sasheer [01:10:27] Ew. These are scary casts.

 

Nicole [01:10:29] Very scary.

 

Lauren [01:10:30] I don’t want that.

 

Laura [01:10:31] “You can buy the kit and do it yourself for 60 bucks,” it says.

 

Nicole [01:10:33] Oh, no thank you.

 

Sasheer [01:10:34] That’s a deal!

 

Lauren [01:10:34] I think I heard a horror story of a guy doing that with his dick.

 

Laura [01:10:38] And it didn’t work out?

 

Nicole [01:10:39] I think that’s a recipe for a yeasty–

 

Lauren [01:10:43] Oh, yeah, you’re going to get something in there.

 

Laura [01:10:44] For sure. At the bare minimum.

 

Lauren [01:10:46] It’s like those Mold-A-Rama machines.

 

Sasheer [01:10:48] “Clone a Pussy!”

 

Nicole [01:10:50] Clone a Pussy. Oh, thank God, amazon.com.

 

Laura [01:10:53] And it’s $35.

 

Lauren [01:10:55] That’s not enough, I feel.

 

Laura [01:10:58] Anyone can afford that.

 

Nicole [01:10:59] Someone is in a very hot warehouse somewhere packing Clone a Pussies and getting paid $2 an hour.

 

Laura [01:11:04] It’s not for the 1%. It’s for the mass.

 

Nicole [01:11:07] Boycott Amazon!

 

Lauren [01:11:09] This can arrive tomorrow if you click now.

 

Sasheer [01:11:12] And you can Clone a Willy! Clone a penis.

 

Lauren [01:11:15] The mold looks a little small.

 

Nicole [01:11:16] It does.

 

Sasheer [01:11:19] Yeah, the one they’re showing doesn’t look that great.

 

Nicole [01:11:21] I mean, they’re being realistic and rude. Like, they’re being really shady.

 

Lauren [01:11:24] They want the regular guy to want it.

 

Laura [01:11:27] If I’m cloning a dick, I don’t want to clone that one.

 

Lauren [01:11:28] Yeah, that one we can totally get anywhere.

 

Nicole [01:11:32] Any old place. Any old street corner. We asked– This one’s easy. Do you wanna do this one, Sasheer?

 

Sasheer [01:11:36] Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. We asked, “Which one of you would be better on Survivor?” Laura said, “Lauren because she knows reality TV.” Oh, but then Laura said, “I’d probably eat a rat.”

 

Laura [01:11:54] I’d eat that rat.

 

Sasheer [01:11:56] Yeah, you’d be better at the actual surviving parts of it. Lauren would be better at the game. And then Lauren said, “We have different skills. I’m more competitive, but she’d be better at the stuff.”

 

Laura [01:12:10] Eating a rat.

 

Sasheer [01:12:10] “She’d be studying the show, and then Lauren would, like, jump in after her.”

 

Lauren [01:12:14] Yeah. I thought that we’d be a good team.

 

Laura [01:12:16] I said the same thing.

 

Lauren [01:12:17] Oh, good.

 

Laura [01:12:17] I think.

 

Lauren [01:12:19] Yeah. Well, yeah, it’s the same idea that, like, I feel that I’d be good at the game, but you’d be good at the actual skills.

 

Laura [01:12:24] I have no interest in the game part. I just want to eat rats.

 

Sasheer [01:12:28] “Gimme those rats.”

 

Nicole [01:12:31] You’re just in the corner eating rats.

 

Laura [01:12:33] “Why are you eating rats? No one’s ever done that before in the show.” I’m like, “Well, shouldn’t there be a first?”

 

Sasheer [01:12:40] “Do you want good TV or not?”

 

Nicole [01:12:43] We asked, “What do you hope you’re both doing in 20 years?” Laura said, “I hope we’re both working in the industry, we’re still tight, our families are tight, and we go on a trip together. Lauren said, “Still friends doing things together, but also I hope we are doing improv together.” But then you said also, “Hopefully we’re too busy to do improv together.”

 

Lauren [01:13:06] But then I thought, “Could be great.”

 

Laura [01:13:09] Yeah, it’s, like, an hour.

 

Lauren [01:13:10] It’s an hour of our lives. We’ll be 53.

 

Laura [01:13:14] People love watching 53-year-olds do improv.

 

Sasheer [01:13:17] Especially women.

 

Nicole [01:13:18] You’re saying it in jest, but it’s true.

 

Laura [01:13:22] Let’s do it.

 

Lauren [01:13:22] It sounds so much older than we are right now. But then when I think of 53-year-olds that I know, that’s not.

 

Laura [01:13:28] No, I’m going to feel like a child.

 

Nicole [01:13:32] I wonder when that mentality goes away because right now, I’m like, “20 years is so far. I’ll be 50. That’s crazy.” But then when you’re 50, you’re like, “A hundred years. A hundred years old?”

 

Sasheer [01:13:41] Yeah.

 

Nicole [01:13:42] I hope I’m dead before I hit 100.

 

Lauren [01:13:44] Okay, but I hope you’re, like, 99. I think I’ll be very funny as an old woman.

 

Laura [01:13:51] Oh, God. You’re gonna be so funny as, like, a 90-year-old woman.

 

Lauren [01:13:54] Wait, someone was saying– Do you listen to Seek Treatment? It’s a very funny podcast. It was making me laugh. They were talking about the idea that, like, you know, we think of ourselves when we get old as being, like, war vets or something. But we’re still going to be us and still have the same, like, stupid references to like Rugrats or whatever the fuck. Like, all the shit that we say now is going to be our humor then. It’s not like we get to be 100 and then we’re like, “In my day…” Like, we don’t have hard stories to tell from the war.

 

Laura [01:14:21] None of us have hard lives.

 

Sasheer [01:14:23] “In my day, I couldn’t AirDrop to my friend’s phone. And it took too long.”

 

Laura [01:14:33] “We had to use wires, you see.” That will be the thing. We’ll be like, “We had wires.” And our kids will be like, “What’s a wire? What the fuck are you talking about, bitch?” Our kids will be rude.

 

Nicole [01:14:44] Do you ever think about if Joanie is going to be rude?

 

Laura [01:14:47] She fucking better not.

 

Lauren [01:14:48] Oh, my God. It’s so crazy to think that, like, you will have a phase where she’s like, “Fuck you,” and then she’s like, “I’m sorry!”

 

Laura [01:14:57] “I hate you, mom!” I think I’ll laugh because it’s, like, so cliche when she’s a teenager and she’s, like, doing cliche teenager things.

 

Sasheer [01:15:02] You’re like, “Hack!”

 

Laura [01:15:04] I’ll be like, “Come up with original material, kid. That’s been done.” Yeah. I mean, if she’s rude, that’s kind of on us, right? That’s my fault.

 

Lauren [01:15:14] I don’t know. I feel like that goes through that.

 

Nicole [01:15:17] I also think they learn it at school.

 

Laura [01:15:20] It depends on the age. You know, if it’s, like, a rude three-year-old, it’s kind of funny–but still bad and should be discouraged. But if they’re, like, ten and rude, then it’s just like, “You’re shit. Stop it. That’s bad.” Don’t be rude, Joanie, if you’re listening to mommy’s podcast.

 

Lauren [01:15:36] If you’re a teenager now and you’re listening to this podcast…

 

Sasheer [01:15:39] Go to sleep, Joanie.

 

Nicole [01:15:43] Oh, look, we’re talking about Joanie, and you went to Joan’s on Third.

 

Laura [01:15:45] Yeah. And my parents got a mug. My parents were eating at a Joan’s on Third when we called to tell them we’d settled on her name, which was Joan.

 

Sasheer [01:15:53] Oh my God.

 

Lauren [01:15:53] That’s so cute!

 

Laura [01:15:56] They got a little mug. Isn’t that cute? They’re like, “We’re at Joan’s!”

 

Lauren [01:15:57] I love that.

 

Nicole [01:15:57] What a treat!

 

Sasheer [01:15:59] Full circle.

 

Nicole [01:16:02] This has been a full circle.

 

Laura [01:16:06] This was fun and sweet.

 

Lauren [01:16:06] It was so nice!

 

Laura [01:16:06] My heart is warm.

 

Lauren [01:16:09] Me too.

 

Sasheer [01:16:10] Thank you for sharing your friendship with us.

 

Lauren [01:16:11] Thank you for having us!

 

Nicole [01:16:13] This is the end!

 

Sasheer [01:16:18] Train’s leaving! All aboard!

 

Lauren [01:16:21] What is this sound effect machine?

 

Nicole [01:16:22] We just have a random soundboard?

 

Sasheer [01:16:34] Well, thank you so much. This was so fun.

 

Nicole [01:16:39] Wait. Do one more thing with them, or no?

 

Sasheer [01:16:40] No, that’s all we have with them.

 

Nicole [01:16:42] Oh.

 

Sasheer [01:16:42] They gotta get out here.

 

Nicole [01:16:43] Oh yeah. You guys gotta get it out of here. Git!

 

Sasheer [01:16:45] Bye!