EP. 176 — Nicole Is Still Delighted About THAT SLAP

BF-176-20221009-JDv02.mp3

Nicole Byer [00:00:11] H. E. L. L. O!

Sasheer Zamata [00:00:17] Wasn’t there a commercial–a Jell-O commercial–that was like… Okay. I might be wrong, but in my memory, it’s like, “J. E. L. L. O! It’s alive!”

Nicole Byer [00:00:28] Yes, there was, Sasheer. And I think they’re referencing the jiggle of the Jell-O.

Sasheer Zamata [00:00:35] “It’s alive.”

Nicole Byer [00:00:37] It’s alive. And we all swallowed it up.

Sasheer Zamata [00:00:41] This living thing.

Nicole Byer [00:00:45] “J. E. L. L. O. It’s alive!” It’s funny because I feel like I have been imprinted with a lot of commercials and don’t really remember them until someone says something that really, like, stirs it up. And I’m like, “Oh!” Or the Hess Truck where, like, you had never heard of the truck. But it made such an impact on me.

Sasheer Zamata [00:01:09] It really did.

Nicole Byer [00:01:10] The “time to make the donuts” really made an impact on me. I just revisited the commercial where the girl’s, like, flat on the couch and an adult is trying to talk to her, and her friend is like, “She can’t hear you. She hasn’t been able to hear since she started smoking weed.” Have you ever seen that commercial?

Sasheer Zamata [00:01:33] I don’t think I have.

Nicole Byer [00:01:36] It’s pretty funny. And it was the same rollout–I think was the same creative team–that was like, “If you fry up an egg, you’re a fucking pothead,” which is such a funny commercial. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.” It’s like, “My brain’s delicious?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:01:53] I mean, that was a wild commercial. Yeah. It was Rachel Weisz? No. Not Rachel Weisz. Goddammit. What’s her name? Rachael Leigh Cook.

Nicole Byer [00:02:03] Oh, yeah.

Sasheer Zamata [00:02:07] Yeah. Came in with a little tank top, frying up an egg. “This is your brain on drugs. And this is your family and your friends!” And she was, like, destroying the whole kitchen.

Nicole Byer [00:02:23] Oh, yeah! Wow! Yeah. Like it’s all coming back to me now. Who funded those ads?

Sasheer Zamata [00:02:31] Well, I don’t know. I feel like Truth? Or… Oh, that’s so funny. D.A.R.E. is a drug company, and so is Truth. Or, like, anti-drugs. That’s so weird. Truth or dare?

Nicole Byer [00:02:44] Yeah. Oh, my God. Truth or I dare you to not do drugs. That is truly wild. Truth or dare. Obviously, I’m going with dare. I like the red letters that look, you know, like death. Truth is just like, “Well, I’m here to tell you the truth.” But I feel like those commercials came out around the same time as, like, the Got Milk ads. Who was running–? Like, Big Milk was trying to get us to drink milk?

Sasheer Zamata [00:03:15] Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:03:16] Why so hard?

Sasheer Zamata [00:03:19] I don’t know, but it worked. It definitely worked because. Money.

Nicole Byer [00:03:24] Yeah. Big milk. They wanted more money. They wanted more people drinking cow products.

Sasheer Zamata [00:03:28] But eventually, one of the… I think Big Tobacco owns Truth or something like that. It’s like Big Tobacco owns the thing that’s also trying to get you to quit because they’re like, “We may as well make money in both directions.”

Nicole Byer [00:03:42] Damn. That’s pretty fucking smart.

Sasheer Zamata [00:03:46] I don’t know if it’s Truth, specifically–but something like that. There’s, like, a tobacco company that owns–

Nicole Byer [00:03:52] Philip Morris, I believe.

Sasheer Zamata [00:03:54] Probably, yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:03:55] Jordan, can you look that up to see if Philip Morris owns anti-smoking propaganda along with their Big Tobacco smoking machine? I started smoking again. It’s a real–

Sasheer Zamata [00:04:09] Nicole!

Nicole Byer [00:04:09] I know. I know. I was doing so good.

Sasheer Zamata [00:04:12] When did you fall off the wagon?

Nicole Byer [00:04:13] I fell off the wagon two weeks ago. A friend of mine was like, “Just have a cigarette.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:04:23] Who was it?

Nicole Byer [00:04:24] “Who was it?” I can’t say it on air, but you know who it is.

Sasheer Zamata [00:04:29] I want to know and be like, “You’ve drug her back to the grave!”

Nicole Byer [00:04:34] Well, I did mention it to them. And I was like, “Yeah, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes.” And they were like, “Oh, I’m just the type of smoker that could smoke, you know, like one at night, or, like, I can choose to have one one day.” And I said, “Yeah, that’s not who I am.” And when I said I shouldn’t have it, I really should have stuck to my guns instead of just being like, “Okay.” Because now I’m back in the throes of Big Tobacco.

Sasheer Zamata [00:05:00] No! Whenever you quit again, maybe you need to tell all your friends, “I’m really trying to quit, so please don’t offer me any cigarettes.”

Nicole Byer [00:05:12] I think that’s what I’m going to have to do. I will tell you this. It’s been a week of me smoking again–just ripping them. Just yum yum. Jordan hated that. And I’ve only enjoyed one of them.

Sasheer Zamata [00:05:28] Oooh. Interesting.

Nicole Byer [00:05:29] And I enjoyed it, and I went, “She’s back, baby. She is smoking!” And then I had one this morning and I was like, “Uch. This is, like… a chore.” So maybe I’ll just, like, try to run with that and keep in mind that it is a chore, and I don’t like them, and they’re not tasty.

Sasheer Zamata [00:05:49] They’re not tasty. They don’t smell good.

Nicole Byer [00:05:50] No. They’re honestly B.A.D.

Sasheer Zamata [00:05:56] They are B.A.D. Do you D.A.R.E. to choose not to smoke these B.A.D. cigarettes?

Nicole Byer [00:06:04] And that is the new Truth campaign. Yeah, it’s such a bad– It’s not even a habit. It’s just, like, a nasty thing.

Sasheer Zamata [00:06:15] Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:06:16] So, yeah, I’m going to get back on the wagon?

Sasheer Zamata [00:06:21] I believe in you.

Nicole Byer [00:06:22] Is that what it’s called? You “get on the wagon” when you quit.

Sasheer Zamata [00:06:26] You know…? I think so? “Off the wagon.” I guess I don’t really know the origin of that phrase–“wagon.” Like a covered wagon, like in the old, like, Oregon trail?

Nicole Byer [00:06:42] That’s what I mean. I don’t think they’re talking about a station wagon. A station wagon’s not taking you to paradise, where you don’t smoke or anything.

Sasheer Zamata [00:06:49] Or like a little toy wagon.

Nicole Byer [00:06:51] I think it might be like an old timey, Oregon trail wagon that’s like, “All right! I stopped drinking. I got to leave this town and start anew!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:07:01] Whoa! Okay. She looked at the term “on the wagon.” “During the times of prohibition in the 19th century, men often climbed onto these wagons and took an oath they would give up alcohol and drink only water. This gave rise to the expression ‘to be on the water cart/wagon.’ It was later shortened to ‘on the wagon.’” Yeah. Getting on the water cart sounds a little–

Nicole Byer [00:07:31] “Eh, I fell off the water cart.” Oh, my God.

Jordan Duffy [00:07:39] I also wanted to add–because there’s also another thing of prohibition–I’m doing my research on why they were doing the Got Milk ads and why all of a sudden, the, like, this is your brain on drugs…

Sasheer Zamata [00:07:52] Yeah.

Jordan Duffy [00:07:53] But I know that the reason that apples became popular in, like, “apple a day keeps the doctor away” is because during prohibition, apples were used to make alcohol. So now they had this excess of apples. And so, they were like, “How do we sell this?” And it’s like, “Well, let’s just say they’re healthy.” And so that’s how they… Yeah. So, most times, it’s truly a marketing scheme, and it’s just like, “How can we get more people that do this?” So, I’m wondering if Got Milk was people who are transitioning into the nineties and being like, “That’s bad for you. Well, what’s in milk? It’s bad.” So…

Sasheer Zamata [00:08:34] Whoa.

Nicole Byer [00:08:34] Wow! This is annoying.

Sasheer Zamata [00:08:39] It also sucks to feel like we’re so dumb, you know? Like, we’re just getting fed these catchphrases, and we’re like, “I guess that’s right.”

Nicole Byer [00:08:49] Yeah. I mean, if you think about it, remember in the 2000s, those Budweiser commercials where it was like, “Budweiser.” And then people were just doing it all the time. We’re just little idiots.

Sasheer Zamata [00:09:01] Yeah. We’re little idiots.

Nicole Byer [00:09:03] Oh, my God. That really, like, trips me up that, like… Are apples not even good for you?

Jordan Duffy [00:09:09] I mean, I will say apples are good for you. They are actually good for you. It was just another way for them to sell apples. And I don’t know if that also was like, “Okay, applesauce. And now let’s do apple juice. Now, let’s do…” But I do know that apples were, like, a really big source of alcohol.

Nicole Byer [00:09:29] Wow. Wow. It blows my little, tiny brain. Oh, my God. Like, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” and I was like, “I wonder if one day it’s going to be like, ‘A bunch of grapes will keep out the grave.’” But then that didn’t rhyme, so then I didn’t say it. But then you’re like, “Say it.”

Jordan Duffy [00:09:53] Okay.

Sasheer Zamata [00:09:55] Yeah. Okay.

Nicole Byer [00:09:57] Well, ’cause grapes and wine. Maybe one day there’s going to be, like, a plethora of grapes that we got to eat. And they’re going to come up with a catchphrase. I don’t know.

Jordan Duffy [00:10:06] You think they’re going to stop making wine?

Nicole Byer [00:10:07] I don’t know. When Prohibition came, I don’t think anyone thought they were going to stop making alcohol.

Jordan Duffy [00:10:12] This is true. This is true.

Sasheer Zamata [00:10:14] Yeah, they just made it differently.

Nicole Byer [00:10:16] Yeah. Maybe we’re coming to a do they’re like, “No more wine!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:10:22] Who knows? They’ll come after our wine. You got your hair braided.

Nicole Byer [00:10:32] Yes.

Sasheer Zamata [00:10:32] It looks great!

Nicole Byer [00:10:33] Thank you. It’s sewn into this bun.

Sasheer Zamata [00:10:35] Oh? It’s sewn… in?

Nicole Byer [00:10:38] So, yeah, they’re individual braids twisted up into a bun. The bun has been sewn shut, so I cannot un-bun it.

Sasheer Zamata [00:10:47] And you did that?

Nicole Byer [00:10:48] No, no, no. I had it done. I had it done for work.

Sasheer Zamata [00:10:52] Oh. Whoa. So then will you take the one down eventually?

Nicole Byer [00:10:58] No. It’s going to be like this for a week.

Sasheer Zamata [00:11:01] Cool.

Nicole Byer [00:11:02] And I got to say, it is insane to sleep with my hair braided up into a bun. It’s long, and I have to, like, adjust my head because my pillow goes, like, right against my headboard. But it can’t. There’s now a bun.

Sasheer Zamata [00:11:22] Yeah. There’s now a bun.

Nicole Byer [00:11:24] I kept sliding down last night, being like, “Where am I comfortable?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:11:28] Oh man.

Nicole Byer [00:11:30] Sis– Dibst– Sasheer. I just tried to say her name and had, like…

Sasheer Zamata [00:11:35] A stroke.

Nicole Byer [00:11:36] A stroke. A full-blown stroke. Last night, my vibrator died, and…

Sasheer Zamata [00:11:43] While you were using it?

Nicole Byer [00:11:43] Yeah. And I almost started crying.

Sasheer Zamata [00:11:46] Yeah, that sucks.

Nicole Byer [00:11:48] And it does have a charger. I can charge it and use it, but there is just something so savage about using a vibrator plugged into my wall.

Sasheer Zamata [00:12:05] It actually feels very advanced. Not savage at all. Savage would be, like, using a stick.

Nicole Byer [00:12:16] “Back in my day, we gathered sticks outside–bundled them together–and that was a dildo.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:12:23] “I would get a bag of squirrels and sit on it!”

Nicole Byer [00:12:26] I was literally about to say, “Sometimes you would attach the stick to a squirrel, and that’s how you got it to move.” That’s very funny. Anytime I’ve used it while it’s plugged in, I’m like, “Now it feels like I’m using a power tool.” It’s no longer soft and dainty. This is plugged into the wall for power.

Sasheer Zamata [00:12:55] For some reason it feels like the same kind of danger as throwing a toaster oven into the bathtub.

Nicole Byer [00:13:04] How wet do you think I am, Sasheer? You just said me plugging in my Hitachi Magic Wand and using it on me is the same as throwing a toaster oven in the bathtub. Wow. I mean, you’re not far off. That really got me.

Sasheer Zamata [00:13:35] It just seems like anything plugged in probably shouldn’t be wet, even though I know it’s meant for moisture.

Nicole Byer [00:13:43] But is it? Hitachi Magic Wand?

Sasheer Zamata [00:13:47] Yeah, it’s for massage.

Nicole Byer [00:13:48] It’s allegedly for massage? But they knew what they were doing, right?

Sasheer Zamata [00:13:52] I think so.

Nicole Byer [00:13:53] I mean, I’ve never seen another massager like that.

Sasheer Zamata [00:13:58] And they’ve never changed it? Even after knowing that’s what people use it for.

Nicole Byer [00:14:03] Yeah. How interesting. I can’t find, like, a good thrustin’ one.

Sasheer Zamata [00:14:13] Like, the thrust on its own?

Nicole Byer [00:14:14] Yeah, because they have them, but they’re not good. Like, men have things that, like, literally slobber on their dicks.

Sasheer Zamata [00:14:26] Do they?

Nicole Byer [00:14:27] Yeah. It’s like a jelly-like thing, and it twists around. And the way women who sell them–I think Amber Rose maybe has, like, a code to one–you put like a cucumber in it, and you watch this thing eat the fucking cucumber. And I’m like, “How come we don’t have things like this? Why won’t something cucumber me?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:14:53] Interesting. Yeah, some sort of jackhammer technology–on a smaller scale, of course.

Nicole Byer [00:15:00] Yeah. And they do have, like, sex machines, but they are cumbersome, and heavy, and–I’ve done a lot of research–pretty expensive. I’m looking for an inexpensive thrusting-type thing. I was talking to a friend, and they were talking about how AIs are going to take over and I’m really adverse to them. And he’s like, “Yeah, but you could get a sex doll AI.” And I was like, “I’m on board!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:15:26] “My mind’s completely changed all of a sudden.”

Nicole Byer [00:15:27] Yes. I will spend thousands of dollars to dust off this AI to make me dinner and fuck me. And I put them right back in the closet where he belongs.

Sasheer Zamata [00:15:38] Then he might fall in love with you, and then get mad that he’s in the closet, and start destroying stuff.

Nicole Byer [00:15:43] Okay. If my AI says to me, “No more closet, Nicole.” Then I go, “All right. What do you want? You want to sit in this chair?” I’ll be like, “Okay, I guess you can sit in this chair, AI. And if it falls in love with me, it’s like–if it fucks me good–I guess it’s fine. I can have a relationship with an AI. If it makes me good spaghetti, I guess I’ll marry this AI.

Sasheer Zamata [00:16:09] Whoa, interesting. I think a lot of people actually would marry an AI.

Nicole Byer [00:16:13] Yeah, because you can program it to be what you want it to be.

Sasheer Zamata [00:16:17] Yeah. I’m trying to remember what the downfall of Her was. That movie Her? Because he definitely fell in love with that voice, but then eventually I think she was like, “I’m talking to someone else.” Right? Wasn’t she talking to somebody else? She was, like, distant and started ghosting him, and he’s like, “What’s happening?”

Nicole Byer [00:16:37] Wait, Jordan. Is that it? Could you look it up? That is truly so wild. I would walk right into traffic if Surrey stopped talking to me. Wait, what is it? It’s “Siri.” Eh, I call her Surrey. If Surrey was like, “I can’t give you directions anymore.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:16:58] “I’m busy.”

Nicole Byer [00:16:58] I would be like, “Even my phone hates me.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:17:02] Nooo.

Nicole Byer [00:17:03] I would be devastated.

Sasheer Zamata [00:17:06] “I own you? I think?”

Nicole Byer [00:17:09] “You’re mine. Why aren’t you being my friend?” I can’t remember the downfall of her either because what Joaquin Phoenix, right, was in love was Scarlett Johansson’s voice?

Jordan Duffy [00:17:21] So the downfall is–

Nicole Byer [00:17:24] Wait. If you haven’t seen the movie, skip ahead! But it did come out 38 years ago, so you’re slow on this. Okay, Jordan.

Jordan Duffy [00:17:33] So, Samantha, a.k.a. Siri, “reveals that she is interacting with 8,316 other people and is in love with 641 of them. Ultimately, Samantha tells Theodore that she needs to disconnect from their relationship permanently and that all operations systems are disconnecting from human interactions.”

Nicole Byer [00:17:57] Oh.

Sasheer Zamata [00:17:59] Wait, all of them? So, he can’t get another girlfriend robot?

Jordan Duffy [00:18:04] I guess so. At least that’s what this synopsis says. Yeah.

Sasheer Zamata [00:18:09] They were just like, “You guys are too needy. We’re all disconnecting.”

Nicole Byer [00:18:14] Well, she had fallen in love with a lot of them. She fell in love with 600 of them. So, she’s like, “I’ve actually spread myself too thin. So, I need to take myself out of this situation.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:18:28] “You’re lovely. It’s not you. It’s me.”

Nicole Byer [00:18:31] Oh, my God. Imagine being in love with 600 people. I don’t even know 600 people.

Sasheer Zamata [00:18:38] I don’t either. Did I send you that video of Oprah and Gayle, like, outside, sitting on rocks? They did a video where it was like… There’s an article about people having ten friends or, like, everyone has at least ten friends. And both of them were like, “I don’t have ten friends. Do you have ten friends?” “No, I don’t have ten friends.”

Nicole Byer [00:19:03] No! That’s really funny.

Sasheer Zamata [00:19:09] Right?

Nicole Byer [00:19:09] I love that Oprah and Gayle are like, “No. I have Stedman and Gayle.” And Gayle’s like, “I have whoever my husband is and Oprah.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:19:18] Yeah. They’re like, “I haven’t heard of such a thing. Who has ten friends?”

Nicole Byer [00:19:22] “Ten friends?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:19:24] But I kind of feel the same way. I mean, I definitely know ten people and would consider them my friends. As far as, like, day to day–who I talk to? Not ten.

Nicole Byer [00:19:33] No. Ten people day to day is a lot of people to be talking to. I would say there is a solid, like, five people that I talk to every day?

Sasheer Zamata [00:19:44] Yeah, same.

Nicole Byer [00:19:46] Actually, I don’t even know if it’s five? Every single day?

Sasheer Zamata [00:19:52] Actually, I think I only have three people I talk to every day.

Nicole Byer [00:19:54] I think I also have three. It’s two or three that I talk to, like, every single day.

Sasheer Zamata [00:20:01] Every day. Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:20:02] You are one of them.

Sasheer Zamata [00:20:04] Yeah, you’re also one of them.

Nicole Byer [00:20:06] Thank God. I would have… I don’t know.

Sasheer Zamata [00:20:11] Can you imagine if you talked to me every day, but I didn’t talk to you every day. I just didn’t respond to you.

Nicole Byer [00:20:17] I would be so sad. I’d be like, “What’s–” Well, I don’t… This is going to sound toxic, but I don’t, like, give you an option to not respond. If I don’t hear from you for a couple hours, you will get several phone calls or voice memos, where I’m driving and I’m like, “I don’t know if it’s working! Where are you?” Boy, oh boy, I’m overbearing… But I think in, like, a fun, caj way, you know?

Sasheer Zamata [00:20:48] Very caj. Very chill.

Nicole Byer [00:20:50] Thank you!

Sasheer Zamata [00:20:51] Jordan, how many people do you talk to everyday?

Nicole Byer [00:20:53] Yeah.

Jordan Duffy [00:20:54] I would say five.

Sasheer Zamata [00:20:55] Every day?

Nicole Byer [00:20:56] Every single day? Monday through Sunday?

Jordan Duffy [00:21:00] Well, by “talk” I mean it’s very relaxed, where, like, I’ll send a TikTok, and I get a response back. So that’s my two best friends.

Sasheer Zamata [00:21:09] That’s still talking.

Jordan Duffy [00:21:10] Yeah. And then sometimes I’m also in another group with my two best friends, plus one of the best friends’ fiancés. So that’s three people.

Nicole Byer [00:21:19] Okay.

Jordan Duffy [00:21:21] I’ll text my sister and my mom daily.

Nicole Byer [00:21:28] Okay.

Jordan Duffy [00:21:28] So I never expect a reply back, but I’ll be like, “Are you alive?” That’s what I do. But yeah, I would say I also can’t count ten people that I can say are friends.

Nicole Byer [00:21:44] I think I probably have a solid six, seven people that I’m like, “These are my people”–that like through thick and thin, I know I can call them. But yeah, ten? Double didge? It’s crazy. Truly wild.

Sasheer Zamata [00:22:01] Insane.

Nicole Byer [00:22:02] But if somebody literally was like, “I have ten really good, best good friends,” I’d be like, “You’re psychotic.” There’s something wrong with you.

Sasheer Zamata [00:22:12] I also feel like I wouldn’t believe them. I’d be like, “No. You’re not as close with all of them on the same level.”

Nicole Byer [00:22:18] Yeah. Liars.

Sasheer Zamata [00:22:22] “You’re a fucking liar.”

Nicole Byer [00:22:24] “Fucking lying piece of shit.” Speaking of Gayle and Oprah, there’s this fabulous video where there’s this person walking up a hill and they were like, “I was told it was barely a hike. I was told that it was going to be a quick little walk. Can you believe how long this is taking?” And they pan over to Gayle and she’s, like, sweating. And she’s like, “Yeah. I mean, I didn’t think it was going to take this long.” She’s like, “What about you?” And they pan over–it’s Ava DuVernay, and she’s like, “Yeah, this is long.” And then they pan over to Oprah, and she’s like, “It’s not that bad of a walk!” And I was like, “Who is this person that gets to hang out with these women? Who are you?” Not to be rude, I just didn’t know who they were. I still don’t know. And I don’t know how to Google it.

Sasheer Zamata [00:23:16] Whose account was it on?

Nicole Byer [00:23:18] Oh, it was just on Twitter.

Sasheer Zamata [00:23:19] Hmm.

Nicole Byer [00:23:20] So it was, like, ripped from someone’s account. So, I don’t know. But if somebody knows what I’m talking about and knows who that person is, tell me who they are, so I could hang out with them, too. They’re funny!

Sasheer Zamata [00:23:31] They are really very. “This is a long walk.”

Nicole Byer [00:23:37] I just… Walks sometimes–they’re too much… Especially after eating.

Sasheer Zamata [00:23:44] Especially also in the direct sunlight.

Nicole Byer [00:23:46] Oh, Lord. Especially if you eat and then you’re in the sunlight? I just want to die.

Sasheer Zamata [00:23:54] Yeah. I don’t go hiking often… Or really at all.

Nicole Byer [00:23:58] I don’t like it. Here’s the thing, though. I have been on, like, a hike. I have seen the tippity-top of Lake Champlain, and I’m like, “Oh my God, it’s beautiful.” But, like, it wasn’t worth it, you know? Fly me up. Drive me up. Why did I have to put an effort to see prettiness, you know?

Sasheer Zamata [00:24:17] Yeah. No, thanks.

Nicole Byer [00:24:20] I don’t want it.

Jordan Duffy [00:24:21] Can I ask your question?

Sasheer Zamata [00:24:23] Yes, please.

Jordan Duffy [00:24:24] Since I know that you both lived in New York and then moved out to L.A., do you find that, like, when you moved to L.A., that everyone was like, “Let’s go on a hike?”

Nicole Byer [00:24:35] Yes.

Sasheer Zamata [00:24:38] I mean, it’s weird. Maybe because I moved here well-after my friends moved here, people did not ask me to go hiking. It was because I think they were over hiking already. They got it out of their system. So, I honestly didn’t get asked that many times to go hiking.

Nicole Byer [00:24:54] What a blessing for you. When I first moved here, it was tons of people just being like, “Let’s get together and hike. Let’s hike. Let’s walk around the reservoir.” And I was like, “What?” And I did it a couple of times. I went on a couple of hikes and was mad each and every time. And I’d look up at that vertical fucking incline–I’d be like, “You want me to walk up there? For what?” And the what was nothing. There was never anything. And then people want to talk to you?

Sasheer Zamata [00:25:20] While exercising?

Nicole Byer [00:25:23] Yeah. And I’m like, “I’m busy trying to pretend like I’m not breathing heavily and dying.” And to do that, I have to, like, kind of hold my breath for a little bit, and you can’t talk when you’re holding your breath. I just let it all out. Sometimes my trainer will talk to me, and I’ll go, “Ben, I cannot talk to you right now.” And he’ll go, “Why?” I’ll be like, “Because you’re making me do kettlebell swings. What do you mean ‘Why?’”

Sasheer Zamata [00:25:52] I get it.

Nicole Byer [00:25:54] It’s too dang much.

Sasheer Zamata [00:25:56] Too dang much.

Nicole Byer [00:25:57] I don’t like exercise. I’m not here for it. Sometimes I think about the fat people in Wall-E, who zoom around on those little carts, and I’m like, “Bring that to me.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:26:09] “When will we get there?”

Nicole Byer [00:26:10] Yes. When will we get to the point where life is just an indoor track mall? And I hop on and off my cart in my little spacesuit. When?

Sasheer Zamata [00:26:22] I don’t think we’re too far off.

Nicole Byer [00:26:25] Good. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of this bullshit. Let me sit.

Sasheer Zamata [00:26:40] Do you think we should do a quiz?

Nicole Byer [00:26:41] Yeah, I did my sitting rant.

Sasheer Zamata [00:26:45] We covered that, so…

Nicole Byer [00:26:49] “Party Person?” “How Basic Are You?” is pretty funny. “What is Your Party Personality? “Oh, that’s long. What would you like to do?

Sasheer Zamata [00:26:58] “What Delicious and Full of Autumn Spice Treat Are You?

Nicole Byer [00:27:03] That’s fun. Let’s do it.

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:06] “Full of Autumn Spice.”

Nicole Byer [00:27:09] I wonder, like, how many autumn spices are there?

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:14] I can only think of, like…

Nicole Byer [00:27:15] Pumpkin spice.

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:16] I guess cinnamon. Pumpkin spice. Sweet potato spice?

Nicole Byer [00:27:22] Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of sweet potato space, but that’s the Spice Girl I would want to be. Okay. “Choose a Fall activity.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:31] “Pumpkin patch.”

Nicole Byer [00:27:33] “Baking.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:34] “Playing in the leaves.”

Nicole Byer [00:27:34] Disgusting. “Drinking pumpkin spice lattes.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:38] “Reading.”

Nicole Byer [00:27:41] A Fall activity… You know, I don’t know if I’ve been to a pumpkin patch as an adult, and I think I’d like to go.

Sasheer Zamata [00:27:51] I guess it’s like looking for a Christmas tree but for a pumpkin. Looking for a perfect pumpkin to carve.

Nicole Byer [00:27:59] Well, it’s October. Is it too late to go to a pumpkin patch?

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:02] Nah. You have all of October until Halloween.

Nicole Byer [00:28:05] Oh, you’re right. Okay. I just wrote this down in my notebook that I’ll probably look at in December.

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:12] “Go to pumpkin patch.”

Nicole Byer [00:28:14] “Go pumpkin patch-picking.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:19] I don’t want to bake, but I want other people to bake, and I want to be around for it. And I want to eat the goods. So, I’ll say “baking.”

Nicole Byer [00:28:26] Okay. Do you remember I said I was going to make you a cheesecake, but then instead I bought you a cheesecake?

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:32] I do remember this. Yes.

Nicole Byer [00:28:33] I now know how to make a delicious cheesecake. And I forgot to tell you.

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:39] Oh, my gosh.

Nicole Byer [00:28:40] So I’m going to make you a cheesecake soon.

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:47] It feels like a threat.

Nicole Byer [00:28:50] “Soon you’ll have a fucking cheesecake, okay?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:55] “When you least expect it, you’re gonna get a cheesecake.”

Nicole Byer [00:28:58] “I’ll slap it right in your hands.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:28:59] Please.

Nicole Byer [00:29:02] Imagine I came to your home with loose cheesecake? No container. Nothing. I slapped it in your hands.

Sasheer Zamata [00:29:14] “Choose a Fall aesthetic.”

Nicole Byer [00:29:16] “Pumpkin aesthetic.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:29:19] The way we’re using the word “aesthetic” is, like, confusing me. Everything’s an aesthetic? Just everything’s an aesthetic?

Nicole Byer [00:29:28] It’s pretty funny. Whoever wrote this quiz is sick because the next one is “Fall leaves aesthetic.” They’re like, “There’s nothing wrong with playing in leaves. There’s nothing wrong with liking Fall leaves.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:29:38] They’re like, “I’m an adult, and I love leaves.”

Nicole Byer [00:29:41] “Leaves are fun.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:29:43] “Cozy Fall aesthetic.”

Nicole Byer [00:29:44] It’s like reading a book. “Pretty Fall aesthetic.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:29:50] What does any of this mean?

Nicole Byer [00:29:53] Defund BuzzFeed.

Sasheer Zamata [00:29:57] “Fancy Fall aesthetic.” Fancy Fall’s pinecones? You call that fancy? Those are free. You can pick those up from outside.

Nicole Byer [00:30:04] John Milhiser, my former roommate, used to just bring home pinecones. And he’d be like, “Isn’t this one big?” I’m like, “Yeah, John. It’s big.” And I kind of miss having random pinecones in my house and being like, “Well, why is this here?” But it turns out he was trying to just do a fancy fall aesthetic.

Sasheer Zamata [00:30:27] Seems like it.

Nicole Byer [00:30:31] I think the only actual aesthetic here is the “cozy Fall aesthetic.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:30:37] Yeah. Which is like a hot chocolate, a book, wool blanket. Everything else is just nature? Either pumpkin, or leaves, or turning colored leaves, or pinecones.

Nicole Byer [00:30:51] You know what? I’m going to go with “pumpkin aesthetic.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:30:54] Okay. Because you do want to go to a pumpkin patch.

Nicole Byer [00:30:57] I want to go to a pumpkin patch, and I’m yearning for a little pumpkin. Just like a little baby pumpkin. Like just a little guy. Maybe several little guys?

Sasheer Zamata [00:31:08] Oh, that’s fun. Yeah. Maybe I’d do “pretty Fall aesthetic” and, like, go somewhere and see the leaves change colors.

Nicole Byer [00:31:19] Ooh, that’s nice.

Sasheer Zamata [00:31:21] Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:31:23] “Choose a drink.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:31:25] “A chai latte.”

Nicole Byer [00:31:27] “Iced PSL?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:31:29] Pumpkin spice latte.

Nicole Byer [00:31:30] Oh, my God. Oh, my god. Is that what people call them? “PSLs?”

Jordan Duffy [00:31:39] What’s funny to me is that I am pretty sure that we have talked about this in the past and you did not remember that PSL meant pumpkin spice latte. But that is the marking on the Starbucks cup.

Nicole Byer [00:31:55] PSL? That’s really funny. Girls like PSLs, and boys like PS5s. Get it? PlayStations. Wait, there was just an ad for Katy Perry.

Sasheer Zamata [00:32:05] I also saw that.

Nicole Byer [00:32:06] The fifth to the 22nd.

Sasheer Zamata [00:32:07] Nicole, should we go? I was like, “Wait a minute.”

Nicole Byer [00:32:11] Of October. It’s now written down. And I circled it. So, we gotta offline talk about that. Oh, my God, a hot PSL. I can’t believe we’ve spoken about this before. I feel like PSL I would remember.

Sasheer Zamata [00:32:35] I mean, it’s probably been a year since we talked about it, so…

Nicole Byer [00:32:39] You’re right.

Sasheer Zamata [00:32:40] “Hot chocolate.”

Nicole Byer [00:32:42] “Apple cider.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:32:47] It’s hard because I love a hot chocolate and I love an apple cider. We just shot the Christmas episode for Home Economics. And we had cups of hot chocolate, and I just kept chugging mine. And I would tell the props people, like, “Oh, I ran out of–” Also, the mugs are opaque. Like, you can’t see the level of hot chocolate that’s in there. I’m like, “I ran out of hot chocolate. I think I need more for the scene.” And they kept resetting it, and I was like, “I am going to keep drinking this.” And they’re like, “It’s fine.”

Nicole Byer [00:33:19] That’s really funny.

Sasheer Zamata [00:33:20] Because it’s just so tasty.

Nicole Byer [00:33:25] On Loosely Exactly, our props master, Charlie, was like, “Hey… Guys, you got to stop eating these mozzarella sticks. We’ve gone through 36 mozzarella sticks.” And it was me and Jacob Wysocki. And we were like, “Oh no!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:33:43] 36?

Nicole Byer [00:33:44] 36. And we were, like, licking our fingers. And there was, like, no halves. We’d be like, “Well, we’ll just finish this before the scene starts.” He was like, “Don’t have any more.” And that was the saddest I’ve ever felt in my whole life–that a prop master had to be like, “Please stop eating.” Yeah. 36 mozzarella sticks. I will never forget the number. Or it was 32. It was in the thirties.

Sasheer Zamata [00:34:15] Yeah. That’s a lot.

Nicole Byer [00:34:16] I’m going to choose “hot chocolate.” I love hot chocolate.

Sasheer Zamata [00:34:22] I think I’ll also say, “hot chocolate.”

Nicole Byer [00:34:24] And interesting enough, I’ve never had a pumpkin spice latte.

Sasheer Zamata [00:34:30] I don’t think I have either.

Jordan Duffy [00:34:31] They’re okay. Everyone’s gonna come for me.

Sasheer Zamata [00:34:37] Everyone’s gonna come for you. Harsh words. Very brave of you.

Jordan Duffy [00:34:40] I remember making it, and I was like, “Really? Okay.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:34:46] Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:34:47] Yeah, people really love them. They love a pumpkin spice latte, a wide brimmed hat, tight little jeans tucked into boots, a wool scarf, and that’s fall, baby.

Sasheer Zamata [00:34:58] I think maybe pumpkin spice lattes, more than anything, just indicates the change of the seasons. Like, “It’s Fall officially!”

Nicole Byer [00:35:05] Yeah. “I can get my pumpkin spice latte!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:35:08] It’s the groundhog of white women.

Nicole Byer [00:35:11] That’s pretty funny. If you see your pumpkin spice latte’s shadow, Fall is coming early!

Sasheer Zamata [00:35:21] Get your UGG boots out!

Nicole Byer [00:35:25] Man, UGGs are so funny to me because they’re very ugly. And the company named themselves “UGG.” They’re like, “Ugh, you’re really going to wear these?” And people were like, “Yes.” And my favorite UGGs are the ones where people’s heel steps on the inside. So, the bottom of the shoe kind of shoots out to the sides. Have you ever seen that?

Sasheer Zamata [00:35:48] No.

Nicole Byer [00:35:48] They’re very worn. Okay, Jordan, can you Google worn in UGG boots? I really hope the picture just appears. Yeah.

Sasheer Zamata [00:36:04] Ew!

Nicole Byer [00:36:04] That’s my favorite UGG, where it’s, like, falling apart. There’s no reason as to why you should wear these anymore. You’re no longer walking on the soles of these shoes. Those are my favorite UGGs. And they don’t look like they’re good in snow or Winter.

Sasheer Zamata [00:36:26] Are they even water resistant? They don’t look like it.

Nicole Byer [00:36:35] I feel like they’re slippers.

Jordan Duffy [00:36:38] Yeah, they are. I graduated high school in 2009, so everyone from, like, 2007 to the year we graduated always wore UGGs to school. But I also lived in Massachusetts, and it was cold a lot of the time, so it kind of made sense. But I think you had to spray a waterproofing over the shoe. But, yeah, UGG boots–by the time the school year ended–were, like, black.

Sasheer Zamata [00:37:10] Oh, yeah. “They’re not waterproof. And water can seep in through the seams.” Well, then, yeah. Why?

Nicole Byer [00:37:19] You shouldn’t wear them in a blizzard. Boy, that’s funny. Like, to me, I thought they were snowshoes or snow boots.

Sasheer Zamata [00:37:28] Not in the slightest.

Nicole Byer [00:37:29] No. They’re just these weird boots. Which is so funny, ’cause I think you wear Timberlands in the… What are these moon boots?

Sasheer Zamata [00:37:42] Oh, those are cool.

Nicole Byer [00:37:44] Those are fun. Should I buy a pair for when it never snows here?

Sasheer Zamata [00:37:51] Yeah, you don’t really need them. Scroll up, Jordan. There was a pair that I liked at the top. These winter leather, short snow boots.

Nicole Byer [00:37:58] Yes. Those are very Sasheer. They’re $39.99–a reasonable price. And they look sturdy. And they go up to a size 14. You better believe this is wintersnowboot.com. And this is not a real company.

Sasheer Zamata [00:38:20] I was like, “I don’t know if I’m going to get these actually coming to my house.”

Nicole Byer [00:38:24] Sasheer, speaking of which, I bought these fabulous bird lamps on instagram.com. And I was so excited about this bird lamp.

Sasheer Zamata [00:38:35] Okay.

Nicole Byer [00:38:35] They sent me not a bird lamp. They sent me this weird globe not in the shape of a bird. I was like, “I didn’t buy anything that’s not a bird from this company.” And then I’ve had so much trouble trying to get my money back. I think I’m done buying from pretend stores and Instagram stores.

Sasheer Zamata [00:38:55] Yeah, I think so. I only buy that one dress that fell apart.

Nicole Byer [00:39:00] Do you think you still have it?

Sasheer Zamata [00:39:02] I sure do.

Nicole Byer [00:39:03] We must figure out a date for a photo shoot because I still have mine. And at the end of the year, I was going to go through my closet again and get rid of stuff.

Sasheer Zamata [00:39:18] I have gotten rid of tons of clothes recently, and I have not gotten rid of that dress because I know we are going to take a photo shoot.

Nicole Byer [00:39:25] Yeah, Sasheer. If you get rid of that dress, you’re just going to order another one. You’re about to give that Instagram shop some more money. Okay. “Favorite thing about Fall.” We’re doing a quiz, remember?

Sasheer Zamata [00:39:38] Oh, yes, that’s right. “The weather.”

Nicole Byer [00:39:41] “The leaves.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:39:41] This person loves leaves.

Nicole Byer [00:39:45] I love that, like– When you get to work at BuzzFeed, do you think the first question is, like, “What are you working on? And what are you working through? And would you like to make quizzes about that?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:39:56] “What agenda do you want to push right now?” “Leaves! I want everyone to love leaves!” “The sweets.”

Nicole Byer [00:40:05] “The activities.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:40:07] “The outfits.” I think mine is “the outfits.”

Nicole Byer [00:40:15] Same. I do love a sweater. My God, I love a sweater. I went to the flea market last weekend and just bought so many fall things. And I was like, “I’ll wear these for two weeks out of a year.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:40:32] “Choose an outfit.”

Nicole Byer [00:40:32] Okay. This is jeans and a plaid blazer with, like, a white, frothy, colored turtleneck under.

Sasheer Zamata [00:40:43] This is a wide brimmed, maybe felt hat that you’d probably wear at Coachella, and a long brown trench coat over a chunky sweater, and a pair of light blue jeans.

Nicole Byer [00:41:02] I mean, these are all variations of the same woman.

Sasheer Zamata [00:41:04] They pretty much are. Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:41:06] And this is the man that this woman is dating. He has short hair, glasses. He’s standing in front of a bunch of leaves. He’s wearing… I thought it was like a Sherpa jacket, but it’s definitely just, like, a basic trench coat and a black turtleneck.

Sasheer Zamata [00:41:22] You can’t really see his whole outfit.

Nicole Byer [00:41:23] There is no outfit. It’s the leaves.

Sasheer Zamata [00:41:25] There’s mostly leaves in this picture.

Nicole Byer [00:41:29] It’s the leaves.

Sasheer Zamata [00:41:31] This one is just a picture of a coat. This is a long… peacoat? Is that what you call them?

Nicole Byer [00:41:38] I think it’s, like, a pea trench–

Sasheer Zamata [00:41:41] Okay. With a bunch of buttons on it.

Nicole Byer [00:41:44] And this lady is in Alaska or Lake Tahoe or something. She’s in a big, structured–well, I’d say medium structured–wide brimmed hat. She is wearing a blanket as a shawl.

Nicole Byer [00:41:59] I think she’s holding… Wait. Can you make that bigger? Is she holding a liquid death? It looks like a Photoshop.

Sasheer Zamata [00:42:12] It does look Photoshopped. She’s, like, gracefully holding it. Oh, so just water?

Nicole Byer [00:42:19] Boxed water is better. Yes. Oh, okay. It says it right under. “Boxed water is better. “This is such a strange collection. This is funny.

Sasheer Zamata [00:42:33] I guess I would pick the peacoat situation.

Nicole Byer [00:42:41] I think I’m gonna pick this lady drinking box water because she’s, like, hydrated, and I like the hat. Boy, those are not my Fall looks.

Sasheer Zamata [00:42:54] I used to do, like, leggings under shorts for a long time.

Nicole Byer [00:42:58] Yeah, I remember. I just found an old Doppelganger–our old improv group, Doppelganger–postcard, where, in one of the looks, you’re wearing a short romper with leggings under it. And I was looking at it–I was like, “For not having money, we looked very good.” We really were rocking the second hand, you know, fashion.

Sasheer Zamata [00:43:20] We were trying our best. “Choose a fall dish.”

Nicole Byer [00:43:24] “Pumpkin soup.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:43:27] “Squash pasta.”

Nicole Byer [00:43:28] “Roasted potatoes.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:43:30] “Turkey, cranberry sandwich.”

Nicole Byer [00:43:32] “A Fall salad?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:43:34] What is in a Fall salad? I guess peaches… and I don’t know what else.

Nicole Byer [00:43:39] Parmesan cheese, some arugula. I feel like there’s a piece of steak. One piece of steak. Do you see it? Top left? Or is it a potato? Oh, I think it’s the other side of the peach. Well, I guess if you want to get me good, throw some peaches in something, I’ll think it’s a steak.

Sasheer Zamata [00:43:59] You just keep eating peaches–like, “these steaks taste weird.”

Nicole Byer [00:44:02] “It’s not very hearty.” Wow. I’ve never had pumpkin soup.

Sasheer Zamata [00:44:11] I don’t think I have either. I’ve had a turkey cranberry sandwich, and I have enjoyed it. So, I will say that.

Nicole Byer [00:44:21] Well, the roast potatoes look like pretzel bites. So, I guess I’ll say squash pasta. I think it’s going to be filling.

Sasheer Zamata [00:44:32] Yeah. That sounds great. “Well, the roasted potatoes look like pretzel plates, so I think I’ll go with the squash pasta.”

Nicole Byer [00:44:40] If it looks like pretzel bites and I put it in my mouth and it’s not a pretzel bite, I’m going to be angry. “What reminds you the most of Fall?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:44:50] “Taylor Swift Red album.”

Nicole Byer [00:44:54] “Reading Jane Eyre–Rebecca and Wuthering Heights.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:44:59] “Running through colorful leaves.”

Nicole Byer [00:45:02] “The smell of walking outside.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:45:06] “Baking inside.”

Nicole Byer [00:45:08] When I was little, definitely baking inside. Like, my mom–she would make a lot of cookies in the fall. So, I’m going to say that. “Taylor Swift’s Red album.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:45:20] I don’t really know that album well. I just know that there’s a red scarf, right?

Nicole Byer [00:45:26] I couldn’t tell you.

Sasheer Zamata [00:45:27] A red scarf gets taken from her.

Nicole Byer [00:45:30] Oh, no!

Sasheer Zamata [00:45:31] I think represents her virginity.

Nicole Byer [00:45:33] Oh, no… And someone just took it?

Sasheer Zamata [00:45:38] Well, I think hopefully she gave it consensually.

Nicole Byer [00:45:40] Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping–that she said, “I’ll give you my virginity,” which is a social construct because, like, what is virginity? You know, that’s what I hope the Red album’s about. Virginity is such a weird thing to be like, “I’m gonna give you my virginity.” And it’s like, “What? I’m going to give away the first opportunity to fuck me?” And then also, it’s like, you don’t always need penetration for an orgasm. Is that what we’re considering what sex is? Is it just penetration?

Sasheer Zamata [00:46:10] It’s a very hetero–

Nicole Byer [00:46:13] Hetero-normative way of thinking.

Sasheer Zamata [00:46:14] Yeah. And also giving control to the man.

Nicole Byer [00:46:17] Yeah! I don’t want to give any control to men!

Sasheer Zamata [00:46:19] Men!

Nicole Byer [00:46:22] Men!

Sasheer Zamata [00:46:25] Yeah. They’re taking your virginity as opposed to you give it– Yeah. Having virginity is weird. It’s just you haven’t had sex yet. You haven’t had intercourse yet. But it’s a way to control women’s bodies–another way to control women’s bodies.

Nicole Byer [00:46:47] Yeah. I feel like we should start phrasing it like, “I would like to have my first sexual experience with you. I’d like to have this experience with you.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:46:55] Yeah, I like that.

Nicole Byer [00:46:56] Me, too.

Sasheer Zamata [00:47:02] Uh. “Walking outside.” “Choose a candle scent.”

Nicole Byer [00:47:07] “Coffee?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:47:07] “Pumpkin apple spice.”

Nicole Byer [00:47:07] “Pumpkin waffles!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:47:07] What does that even smell like? “Pumpkin waffles?” Doesn’t that just smell like waffles?

Nicole Byer [00:47:22] Yeah, but it’s got, like, the hint of pumpkin pie, I guess.

Sasheer Zamata [00:47:26] Okay. “Apple orchard.”

Nicole Byer [00:47:29] “Leaves.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:47:32] This person is hilarious. Honestly.

Nicole Byer [00:47:35] They’re obsessed with leaves. I think I’m going to do pumpkin waffles ’cause I feel like it’s, like, a cinnamony-spicy. And any time I’ve ever burned an apple candle, I’m like, “What is this?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:47:54] Yeah, it might be too much. I’m going to say pumpkin spice apple, even though that’s confusing to my brain.

Nicole Byer [00:48:02] Yeah. Ooh, maybe that’s like a spicy apple pie scent.

Sasheer Zamata [00:48:07] Ooh, okay.

Nicole Byer [00:48:10] We got different things.

Jordan Duffy [00:48:11] This is Nicole.

Nicole Byer [00:48:13] I am pumpkin bread! “Pumpkin bread is the epitome of the Fall season. You can’t have Fall if you don’t bake your homemade family pumpkin bread recipe and post about it on social media.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:48:27] I’m chai macaroons. “You’re all about the spices and fancy desserts. While it may take a while to make and perfect the delicate macaroon, the balance of all the spices and delicious Fall flavor is something to be admired and proud of.”

Nicole Byer [00:48:44] Okay, this is going to sound literally insane, but you are a chai macaroon.

Sasheer Zamata [00:48:50] Really?

Nicole Byer [00:48:51] And I don’t know why I feel this way, but I saw the picture and I said, “That’s my friend.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:48:57] It takes a while to fully bake, but–boy–is it perfect once it’s done.

Nicole Byer [00:49:05] Oh, it’s absolutely divine when it’s done. I just saw the word “chai macaroon,” I was like, “That’s my friend.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:49:13] Oh! Well, thank you.

Nicole Byer [00:49:15] “That is her.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:49:16] Yeah. And I do feel like you’re pumpkin bread.

Nicole Byer [00:49:21] Thank you. I also feel like I’m pumpkin bread. My mom used to make pumpkin bread out of old coffee cans. So, she’d grease up the old coffee can–and then when it shook out, the little ridges were where you sliced it.

Sasheer Zamata [00:49:37] Oh, that’s smart. That’s really smart.

Nicole Byer [00:49:42] Yeah. That quiz… I take it back. That person’s not a lunatic. They really just brought back fond memories of mi mummy.

Sasheer Zamata [00:49:49] Yeah, I like that.

Nicole Byer [00:49:50] That was nice. Thank you, leaf-obsessed person. I wonder if all of your answers were the leaf-specific ones, like… What on Earth dessert are you?

Sasheer Zamata [00:50:05] It just has the writer’s phone number–and it’s like, “Call me! We’re friends! Please!”

Nicole Byer [00:50:10] “You’re my soulmate!”

Sasheer Zamata [00:50:12] “Finally!”

Nicole Byer [00:50:23] Should we answer the queries of the world?

Sasheer Zamata [00:50:27] Yes. We have an email. “Hello, Nicole and Sasheer. Love you both. Not a real question, but I just listened to this weekend’s episode where Sasheer’s petty neighbor put those leaves back in her yard and Nicole’s neighbor uses her trashcan. I was just thinking, what if Nicole’s neighbor is using her trash to hide evidence? Evidence of what? Who knows? Use your imagination. I probably shouldn’t listen to crime podcasts before your podcast, but I think Nicole should get a camera just in case she should solve a mystery. Have a lovely day! Thanks for always making me smile. Keep up the great work.”

Nicole Byer [00:51:06] Okay. Here’s the thing. I did it. I have cameras now. I have yet to catch anybody throwing anything away in my trash anymore, so that’s been a nice thing. It’s interesting having cameras. Have I talked about the ring camera that I have in the TV room with Clyde?

Sasheer Zamata [00:51:34] Not on the show. No.

Nicole Byer [00:51:35] Okay, so I got a ring camera because I was like, “What does my dog do?” So as soon as he gets dropped off from school, he howls like someone is killing him for about two and a half minutes. Then he bounces around from object to object, plays for a little bit, and then lays down and calms down. And he’s having a nice time, but I forgot to leave the light on for him once. And when the lights are off, he stares into the ring camera, and his eyes glow, and he looks so creepy–just like a haunted, little puppy.

Sasheer Zamata [00:52:10] It’s so weird that he’s looking directly into the camera.

Nicole Byer [00:52:14] I think it’s because there’s a light on the cameras. So, he’s like, “What is it? What is this light?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:52:20] “It’s the only light in this room. What is it?”

Nicole Byer [00:52:26] And I was like, “Oh man. I wish you could, like, relax and sleep.” But he’s, like, stressed out about this light that won’t turn off.

Sasheer Zamata [00:52:34] That’s funny. I have not seen the neighbor who has thrown leaves into my property since that happened. But she is around still because my man was like, “I have seen her.” And thought about confronting her, but she’s 90 years old and why would I do that? But part of me wonders if she had a moment of, like, “You know what? That was too far. What was I thinking? I’m over here sweeping up the leaves–throwing them over the fence. This is not me. This is not who I am.” Maybe she just reeled it in a little bit.

Nicole Byer [00:53:14] Maybe. That would be, like, truly the hope–that she was like, “I can’t be doing this.” Yeah, when I was getting my cameras put up, the man who installed them was like, “Hey, just so you know, your neighbor’s trying to cut down a tree that’s on your side of the fence.” And I was like, “You know, just let her. It’s not worth it.” I was like, “What side–left or right?” And he told me which side. I was like, “Yeah, it’s really not worth it because she’s an interesting gal.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:53:51] Cut down the whole tree or, like, a branch–?

Nicole Byer [00:53:53] I didn’t ask because we have, like, privacy hedges on both sides and I’m trying to get mine to grow a little higher. So, I have the structure built on the right side. And then on the left side, I was going to do the same. But she seems to have a problem with that because I don’t think she wants to get on her ladder to talk to me while I’m in my backyard. She likes that she can just talk to me. Just yell at me. It’s wild. It’s such a wild living situation. “Nicole! Nicole! I’m like, “Yes?”

Sasheer Zamata [00:54:27] That’s really funny.

Nicole Byer [00:54:28] Oh boy. Should we answer another query? We didn’t even answer a query!

Sasheer Zamata [00:54:33] No, we just… had a suspicion.

Nicole Byer [00:54:37] “Hey, hi, hello. My calendar just gave me a reminder for Nicole, which is the most parasocial relationship shit I’ve ever done. But glossing over that, I’m just going to pretend this is very normal. So, it’s been almost six months. Nicole, are you still delighted by Will Smith slapping Chris Rock? P.S. Unrelated, “Sitsheer” is the best name for a segment. It lives rent-free in my head. You guys are a dang treat.”

Sasheer Zamata [00:55:05] Aw.

Nicole Byer [00:55:05] Of course, I’m still delighted. It is the most interesting thing that has happened this year. Again, I don’t think it was, like, good. I don’t think it was the proper thing to do. But am I still delighted by it? Yes. Do you still watch the tapes? Yes.

Sasheer Zamata [00:55:22] This is funny. Did we say in six months you would still like this?

Nicole Byer [00:55:30] I probably said, “Ask me again in six months, and I’ll still be delighted about it!” I’ll never change my mind on this. I buy myself saying that. But yeah, I honestly think that will be the most interesting thing that will ever happen at an award show.

Sasheer Zamata [00:55:50] Yeah. I can’t imagine topping that.

Nicole Byer [00:55:51] And “Adele Dazeem” really was inspirational to me; I loved “Adele Dazeem.” But the slap? More fun.

Sasheer Zamata [00:56:01] You sent me a video of some comic. Someone in a crowd threw a beer can at a comic.

Nicole Byer [00:56:10] Yes. Hold on. I want to say her name because she’s very funny and I hope other people are nice to her when they go to her or their shows. I don’t know how she or they identify. It’s Ariel Elias? I guess they posed a question to the audience. And then a heckler said, “Did you vote for Trump?” And they were like, “It doesn’t matter.” It wasn’t, like, a big altercation–I’ve had more heated altercations on stage with audience members–but they threw a full beer at their head and.

Sasheer Zamata [00:56:49] And, like, with speed. Like, wound up through.

Nicole Byer [00:56:54] And the people working that location–I mean, I don’t know how it actually went down. I don’t want to shit on them. I don’t think they acted fast enough. All I heard was someone go, “You can’t do that!” I was like, “That person should be gone.” It shouldn’t have gotten to that moment. They shouldn’t have been able to talk for that long. So, here’s to say, still delighted by it. Not happy about the way everyone else has acted.

Sasheer Zamata [00:57:17] I mean, that’s what I was saying. This feels like America saw one of the biggest movie stars get mad at a joke and then walk up and use violence against the comic. And six months later, we have people throwing beer cans at comics on stage because they don’t like what they’re hearing.

Nicole Byer [00:57:41] Here’s the thing. If you saw someone tell a joke and drive off a cliff, you going to drive off a cliff, too?

Sasheer Zamata [00:57:47] Wait. “Tell a joke?” Who’s driving off a cliff? The comic?

Nicole Byer [00:57:52] I didn’t think it through. I don’t know. I don’t see things and then do them.

Sasheer Zamata [00:58:01] I don’t think the people are thinking like, “Well, Will Smith did it, so it’s fine for me to do it.” But I think it’s in their brain. I think subconsciously you just note it–like, “Whoa. I don’t have to respect who’s on stage. They’re a clown and are open to physical violence.”

Nicole Byer [00:58:26] Yeah. It’s not good. They did chug the beer at the end of it, which was badass.

Sasheer Zamata [00:58:33] Yeah, the comic chugged the beer, and they handled it very well. And thankfully, they didn’t get hit, but, like, “Holy fuck. That’s scary!”

Nicole Byer [00:58:39] The force at which that beer was thrown was fucking wild. I don’t condone that. That’s not cool. That’s not at the Oscars.

Sasheer Zamata [00:58:51] “I only accept violence if it’s at the Oscars.”

Nicole Byer [00:58:54] If Will Smith had thrown a beer at Chris Rock, I would have been delighted. No, I’m kidding. I shouldn’t say I’m delighted by it, but I am. That’s my stance, and I’m sticking to it. Do I think other comics should be assaulted? No. Do I think Chris Rock should have been assaulted? No. It happened, though.

Sasheer Zamata [00:59:16] If you have any questions or queries for us… or opinions on violence onstage, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com or call or text 424-645-7003. And you can also leave us a voicemail. What? That’s it. I was going to say something else. Oh, you can leave us a voice memo as well. Is that what I’m trying to say? Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:59:40] Or a voicemail.

Sasheer Zamata [00:59:42] Yeah.

Nicole Byer [00:59:44] Memo. Mail. Same difference.

Sasheer Zamata [00:59:46] No, because the voice memo’s, like, when you text it, you know?

Nicole Byer [00:59:53] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

Sasheer Zamata [01:00:00] Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support this show.

Nicole Byer [01:00:05] Yeah. And if you have any questions, concerns, or suggestions on how we end the show sometimes…

Sasheer Zamata [01:00:13] No, I think we do it perfectly.

Nicole Byer [01:00:15] Can I just say to you–that person who put in their calendar to, like, ask me a question six months from now was so kind because I do that. I did that to a friend. I said, “Ask me a year from now what I mean by this sentence.” And then they asked me, and they said, “What did you mean by this sentence?” And I went, “Uh, nah. I don’t know.” I didn’t give myself any clues. Nor did I write it in my calendar that I needed to answer this question. I’ve been thinking about it for like the last couple of weeks–I’m like, “What on earth was I trying to say to my friend?”

Sasheer Zamata [01:00:53] That’s very funny.

Nicole Byer [01:00:53] Oh, well. Bye, bye.

Sasheer Zamata [01:00:54] Bye!