Nick Kroll is one of the most prolific Earwolf guests, so he was destined to show up on Professor Blastoff! That is, if destiny exists. Destiny or fate, or karma, or astrology, or free will. It’s all up for grabs this week, along with a pre-posthumous message from Tig and Nick’s new “Weird Gypsy” character. I would say to enjoy it, but perhaps your enjoyment has already been determined. Trippy, right?

It’s Stars and Stripes Forever (or at least for one day) on The Apple Sisters as we celebrate our independence! The girls use their powers of performance to bring the listeners a look at the writing of the constitution. They even summon a visit from Mr. John Hancock himself! Which freedoms are you thankful for, lovely listeners? Leave them here on Earwolf, or over on The Apple Sisters’ facebook page.

Happy Fourth of July Laimewads! Our most patriotic gift to you is this glorious gem of a podcast with the super sharp and hilarious comedian, BLAINE CAPATCH! We talk drugs, meditation, waking nightmares and lots of other exciting uplifting family friendly* topics! (*If your family is all over the age of 18 and has a slightly twisted, dark sense of humor) Enjoy.

Eardrop is the 100-calorie pack of Earwolf. It’s just as deliciously hilarious as our other shows, but in a convenient travel size!

Inspired by the hit new song “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before,” Bob sends out his own love call on the winds of change that are always blowing. We love you all.

Two Comedy Bang Bangs in one week? Why, this must be a Christmas miracle! I bet this is how all those homeless people felt when David Guy Levy, producer of the upcoming film Terri, generously gave to the LA Food Bank this past Christmas. However, as you’ll learn from this episode, his donation was not completely selfless: He got to co-host Comedy Bang Bang! Along with mostly-enjoyed guest Harris Wittels and a special surprise guest he brought himself, David guides us through segments like Harris’ Phone Corner and the What’s Up Hot Dog Memorial Plugs. Be sure to see Terri this weekend! David supports us so let’s support him!

It’s a packed house in the Earwolf studio today! We have musical guest Ugly Duckling live in house who open the show with one of the best (if not THE best) Sklar-themed ciphers we’ve ever heard! They help us understand the Phillie Phanatic and freestyle a theme for Sklarbitration before we bring in Brian Unger to get political up in this joint! He offers a rare glimpse into the early days of The Daily Show and explains Crossfit to a confused and cynical room. Then you know how it is: Some Ron Artest chat, Woody Allen bits, Charlie Sheen revelations, and a final segment with our good friend and Haiku poet Tiger Woods. Why celebrate the long weekend with noisy fireworks or sweltering barbecues when you can spend it listening to Sklarbro Country?

Today we’d like to impart a message of hope with Glitter in the Garbage. Whether you’re feeling helpless in the face of distracted policemen, or frustrated by the incompetent customer support of your bank, we’ve all experienced the feeling of hopelessness. Sometimes all you’re trying to do is make sure the kids of today see a brighter, more milky tomorrow when the Faye Dunaways and Chloe Sevignys of the world get you down. But take a lesson from Drew, Mike, and Chris and soldier through it. We know you can make it! We love you!

We love all our Earwolf listeners and are impressed by their contributions to the network as fans. This episode celebrates those listeners by speaking to three of our biggest superfans: Dustin Martian, Julia Hays, and Mike McCawley. They all started listening at different times, for different reasons, and with different preferences, but they all make our jobs at Earwolf so much easier. Learn who your fellow listeners are and how they’ve developed relationships not only with Earwolf, but with each other as well. We’d love to hear your Earwolf stories in The Wolf Den forums!

Now that we’ve all become acquainted, Bob is ready to get very open and honest with all the listeners. Today he reads a particularly sensitive selection from his diary entitled “The Slippery Slope of Comparison.”

Eardrop is a daily uncensored morsel of comedy for our Earwolves to enjoy for five minutes or so a day.

Andy Kindler is one of the best in the business, skilled at mauling the mediocre and skewering the sub-par, but is he any match against Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Pitbull? Yes. Moving on. We visit U.S. iTunes for a look at their top singles before finding our way to the cinema and eventually to the pub for a round of darts. Fans of Andy surely won’t be surprised by his views on The Zookeeper or his impression of Brody Stevens, but you might not guess his opinion of Russell Brand or feelings for Adele. Be sure to visit Earwolf to hear the July 4th Birthday chart and to submit your entries in the I Heal with My Steel Video Contest.

Happy to help those in need, Bob has taken to answering letters from some of our listeners. Today’s letter comes from Mike, a nice guy in need of a great friend. Best of luck, Mike!

Why can’t more movies be like Crank 2? Sure it’s racist, sexist, implausible and disgusting, but that’s what makes it so much fun! Jensen Karp is our lucky guest in the studio with Paul and June (Jason is still in New York, but is live via satellite or something), and together they figure how tar enemas and full-body Tourette’s can make Chev Chelios’ second adventure so much better than the first. If this podcast doesn’t get your heart pumping, well…you’ll die, I guess. So you better listen!

Bob has made significant progress in his poem therapy and has finally overcome his performance anxiety enough to read one for you. Here is his latest opus: The Battle Tattered Flapping Flag.

You are either listening to Professor Blastoff, or entering a new dimension. We’re not sure which one it is. We are also unsure if it is the forth dimension, fifth dimension, or one of hundreds of multiverses you are entering. And we cannot guarantee that in this dimension your junk will retain the same size and shape that it does in the third dimension. Or if dementia is somehow related to the concept of dimensions. But that which we do know will be given to you in easy, memorable riddle form. So listen ahead, and don’t be afraid to look up once in a while.

With a cascade of puns, a round of “no, but” style improvisation, an appearance of cake bugs, and latent racism, this is a classic Comedy Bang Bang waiting to happen. Our guests are Colin Hanks and Myq Kaplan who match wits on What Am I Thinking? while throwing down on Would You Rather?. We also have an appearance by Kylie Bloom (I think) who is the editor of Spa Magazine (I think) and shares the Cake Boss’ gift of the second sight (that one I know for sure). I can neither confirm nor deny the appearance of a certain deceased hip hop legend, but I can tell you that you will give this episode a Thumbs Yes!

Sometimes we do the best learning when we’re on our way to class. This was Bob’s experience with his most recent healing venture: Art Therapy. Feel free to send in your own therapeutic self-portraits to AffirmationNation@earwolf.com.

Why thank you, kind listeners, for joining us this week for The Apple Sisters. We are here to talk to you about etiquette in the most genteel and polite way we know how. Our guest is the delightful Miss Manners who teaches us all a thing or two about behaving with class and dignity. Our wonderful listeners sent us in some insightful questions, and we answer them like the gracious ladies we are. We even include a message to the men our there on how we like to be treated. Thank you once again for tuning in. You can all expect a handwritten note of appreciation for listening.

Writer and Producer, his most recent credit is creating and producing LOST, but he’s also worked on the Star Trek reboot (and the upcoming sequel), Cowboys Aliens, and so much more.

She’s a hilarious comedy writer and performer and even though Elizabeth was really concerned, thank heavens almighty, she’s VERY PRETTY! ERIN WHITEHEAD came on and she and Elizabeth bonded over their inappropriate jokes about dead parents and their lack of ability to imagine being a prostitute! Enjoy.

Eardrop is the 100-calorie pack of Earwolf. It’s just as deliciously hilarious as our other shows, but in a convenient travel size!

Bad news guys! We taped a great episode of Sklarbro Country with Steven Seagal as a guest but, well…Shaq recorded over it with his sex tape. Fortunately Tig Notaro (of The Sarah Silverman Program) and Kyle Dunnigan (Craig on Reno 911) of Professor Blastoff stepped in and made a ten times better episode with stories of their past pilots and impressive Johnny Carson impressions. As if that isn’t enough, our good friend Bruce Jenner stops back by to catch us up on the success of his Jenn-ocide seminar and tell us about his new breakfast cereal (available exclusively at Costco). Hitch up those pants and get to listening! Oh, and thanks to Joel Watson of Hijinks Ensue for his awesome Ziggy Sklardust portrait (check it out in the episode pictures).

After the wild success of his last guided meditation, Bob is back with yet another relaxation exercise. Breath deeply and enjoy.

Beverly recounts a recent trip to Planned Parenthood, and the ladies talk to Weeds star Justin Kirk about promiscuity, whether or not all vampires are r****ts, and why he won’t hire a midget.

Eardrop is a daily uncensored morsel of comedy for our Earwolves to enjoy for five minutes or so a day.

It took us long enough, but we finally have Earwolf hosts on The Wolf Den! Those hosts are Randy and Jason Sklar of Sklarbro Country, our sports-themed comedy show that comes out every Friday. You might underestimate their awareness of download numbers and Twitter follower count, but as you’ll learn, these guys put a lot of time and effort into their show (sometimes to the detriment of their personal lives). Learn why they love doing Sklarbro Country, even when it affects their travel plans, job offers, and patience. You’ll also learn how Chris Cox (Tiger Woods, Jerry Jones, Sam Elliott, etc) got involved and why we all love him so much. Leave your shouts of “HENDERSON!” in the forum thread for this episode!

Before you leave your house this morning, ready to conquer the world and achieve all your goals and dreams, listen to the story of Bob’s mustache surgery and the unexpected passion it awarded him.

Our good friend James Adomian is moving to New York City without us! So as he shuffles off to Broadway, we will bid him farewell with a true Hollywood-style Glitter in the Garbage sendoff. The show is star-studded with famous faces like Neil Patrick Harris, Kyle Dunnigan, Rachel Maddow, Kevin Berntson, and fashion designer Bijan. Drew pulls out all the stops for James, even when it means confronting his weird neighbor or watching Priscilla Queen of the Dessert. We’ll miss you James! Call us so we know you got there safe, okay?

It’s summahtime and the livin’ is easy! That’s because we’ve got Oscar nominee Aimee Mann in studio and not even terrible L.A. traffic can stop this show from happening! Aimee dishes on music based reality T.V. and pervy bus drivers with the Billboard Digital Album chart, and with the movie chart we explore the songwriting possibilities of Four Loko plus penguins. In honor of our penguin friends at the box office, Hermes the Chart Goose drops by to get Aimee talking about her visit with the Obama family and her love of boxing. Hear Howard’s summah gum choice and get an explanation of Green Lantern from Kulap this week on Who Charted?!